just in case (epilogue)

as if the silly obscure confusion never ends, this entry was written some time ago and every year around this time I reset the day a year further into the future because it is scheduled for a time when I do not return to this blog anymore (but what if i just stop coming here... will it be a mistake or metaphor?... oh sure, muddy the waters even after i am gone... ok, well, let's get on with it then)... call me ashes...

i died... sigh (oh wait, no more sighs... the body breathes no more... jokes after death, how like me)... simply, in the style of the pythons monty, the flesh is deceased... the body moves no more... kicked the bucket... ceased to be among the living... non-existent in human form... passed on... away... poofed... [insert your most comforting euphemism]... apparently not alive... dead...

whatever dead is...

i did not know how else to break the news... i mean, since the fingers are not moving anymore... i had to find a way to let you know i will no longer be here without being here... or there, for that matter... or anywhere i might have gone from there after i sort of left here (even though i never left anywhere while i had a choice and if there is a way to write and blog after death, i'll not rest until i find it because, after all, never give up, never surrender, remember?... because i am not... here, that is... i wonder who as my number now... call it, 407-325-1482 and let me know... oh wait, i forgot (for the fun of it... or maybe i just wanted you to prank call someone for me... one last amusement we could almost share), well, i wonder anyway... old times... good times... i miss it... and you... even the mind-numbing social media times...

google/blogger/blogspot (thanks) provided a way... see, this was a scheduled post and if i do not reschedule this post, it will automatically be uploaded... unless the auto post feature didn't work, in which case, nevermind... i've already rescheduled it a couple of times over the years... i wouldn't mind rescheduling it another hundred years, but for all the magical mystery in this world, i am substantially not immortal... we ought to be prepared for the inevitable, right?... so just in case i forgot to reschedule this post before it was automatically uploaded and am still breathing (ooops), i will write something better tomorrow, or as soon as i notice (in case i abandoned blogging for some reason or left the online blogging habit completely, which is not likely but anything is possible), i mean, if i did not actually die... with profuse apologies for the premature report, of course... but if i did die...

i just wanted to say i love you one more time...

i love you one more time...

i hope i am with douglas adams
robin williams and

so long, and thank you for the love :)

Still Wide Awake

On the first of may (what can I say?... strangers, friends, it never ends). Did you notice I was gone? Did you find me somewhere else? Do you even know my name? Has this all just been a game? How long have you been on this journey? Time is relative, in case you forgot or didn't get the internal memo, or emo, for that matter. Are we doing this alone? Don't you know that you don't need to always be on your own? What?

Something change? Did you notice a story keeps growing on the right? Not to mention the entries that keep slipping in behind this one, in real time, just cuz love never ends, like Abbey Road's going to #1 after 50 years, Sgt Pepper would be so proud.

and in the end
the love you save
is equal to
the love you gave

...or something like that What? You want a theme song? Here's a theme song.

POW!   aye?

The real theme song. You want real? Really? You may have missed it (if it ever began).

asleep?
Awake: Real true real, this blog actually ended years ago, shortly after Happiness died. He was such a beautiful soul, though there is no absolute end until the fingers can no longer type, so entries appear here and there as if they've always were, like the song that never ends, somewhere, and I will likely update this entry again and again, adding links, for posterity, for the depths, or doubts, even, and just for the fun of it, or whatever, and you can make of each one and all of them and everything as you see fit, or as Wesley said, as you wish (you too lol).

I mean, do you really want to know? :)

The fact is, so few do. Maybe no one does. Are you no one? Ah, we play with words to create hope where there may otherwise be none. Are you none?

If you came from TheReal(TM) you went (e)thereal (you're looking at it) but the babbler struck again after a while, so now... if you still want to know me and this life there is another place to go (see below) where I tear myself apart to censor myself to respect others fears while still doing my best to live my dream of finding the one and sharing everything completely openly and honestly... still here too. Still exposed.

I am here now in this new blog (and more, so much more), in case it matters. Narf.

No need to cry. I mean, just cuz of all the lonesome, ya know? If you remember. Narf.

You know narf is also a sigh, right?

Narf :)













PS... Hey blog family - you still matter to me :)













PPS... I am still awake, and still the same, even as everything constantly changes.










PPPS... Hey, what are all those links to the right there? (asked nonchalantly) lol :)











PPPPS... Maybe I'm a mazed lol. :)










PPPPPS... Write more, they say, and I do, almost every day, and then some. more? LOL you don't now the half of it. The question is, do you really want to? :)









Narf (yes, again) :)

.








Epilogue 1... the end is only the end if you believe in endings :)

All Of Me

Once upon a time, someone came close, almost knew me, almost... the heart wants nothing but love, unconditional honest love... the mind wonders if that is possible in this world between humans, humans with so much fear and rules to hide behind, who is real?... years of life, youth searched, early on, I was scratching out my dreams, creating me, letting my imagination run wild and free,what does it mean?... year I searched, feelings like colors, as if from afar, but so deep within, where no one ever goes, goo... years I wandered, moving on, into the night, as if an alien or immortal as love, believing love never ends, so the energy never dies, babbling on as randomly as relatively, trying to fit in, to be human, to live the heart's dream of sharing everything in love, unconditional honest love, but who?... almost... but left alone, again, unnaturally, asking who cares and realizing... I do... through all the bull, the fundamental things apply, still, so much left unsaid, unread, unheard, yet to be, it's only words... once upon a time, someone came close, almost... you may not understand, maybe, all I know is all I know (and in the end, the love, that's enough for me... cuz it just has to be)... to be free... to be me... to be happy...




Narf :)

Anonymous Comments

If I only had more time, I'd let you know more about all the Anonymous comments left on this blog and how I respond to them. Typically, I respond to them one by one, but since I don't write in this blog anymore, I didn't check for comments in some time and I just uploaded more than 75 comments to various entries. These entries received the most comments so you can see for yourself if you want to click on the links (in case it matters). I didn't have time to respond one by one (that's usually fun, pretending each one comes from a real person as I respond... I imagine many come from comment-bots, but hey, a friend might be mixed in there too, right?... there's always hope, ya know?). Anyway, I'm still not here, but I just stopped by to point out that many new comments are sprinkled through, some worth reading, in case it matters. :)

More will follow, time permitting, cuz the fun never ends (just like love), but really... I am here now, in case you didn't catch that first link on the right sidebar. :)

Enjoy life and KIT!

Narf :)

This One's For You (As If)

I write to you as if you care
then I wonder where you are
when I am alone and no one's here
am I wishing upon a star?

Imaginary friend
I'm here tonight
believing in you
it helps me write
to someone who cares about me
even if you're just fantasy
even if you never know me
this is my reality
some creativity
maybe therapy
or insanity

I write to you as if you're real
then I wonder where you are
when I am alone and I feel
like wishing upon a star

Imaginary friend
I write to you
believing in dreams
that don't come true
will someone care about me?
even if it's just fantasy?
will someone ever know me?
in reality?
is this therapy?
creativity?
or insanity?

This one is for you
as if you existed
as if you cared about me

This one is for you
wherever you may be

This one is for you
as if you were right here
sharing this melody

This one is for you
my dream of harmony

And in the end, I wonder
silently...
Did you ever know
how much you meant to me?

And in he end, at least I have you... imaginary friend

Days of Future Past

I return here only occasionally, as I do with my other "daily" blogs, or the dailies as they are called in what passes for a table of contents of sorts, I suppose (and this is where I usually link the other older dailies, but perhaps we shall pass on that much self-indulgent hope for your interest, unless, of course, you are the one, in which case you would have already asked, but I'll likely somewhat subtly {though my subtle can sometimes be like a brick to the face}, even rather nonchalantly, somewhere down the page), but this one holds extra special dearness as it spans the last chapter in this life where I was living the illusion of sharing, maybe even almost a family, for as much as it was... but that's another story. The point of this opening aside is I KIT (keep in touch) with that span of time within myself and this blog was and is a record of that KIT, for those who shared the illusion and for posterity, even if, in the end, is is and was always only me.

This entry could be subtitled Song Cues Abound.

Today I though of family. I can only imagine what it's like to have a family. I develop relationships with as much, if not more dependency than most people I know. Working 24-7 jobs throughout my career gives me a sense of connections and responsibility that maybe something like family. Perhaps that is why I have chosen a professional life of helping others a a level of responsibility that is tethered 24/7 to a phone that I am expected to answer anytime it rings. Them in the personal life, I choose to live with someone much more than I choose to live alone. Living with a roommate and/or choosing a friend to unconditionally trust (which is a whole deeper level of my quest for sharing families ties) may get me closer, though the relationship tends to become what a therapist calls enmeshed and people do not seem to deal with that well. I am not sure if that is because I do not need the boundaries most people need (and why I don't need them is another book or two someone can write, if I'm ever interesting enough to anyone outside of my head... of course someone inside my head could write it or them, but another time, certainly, at least) or whether it is because I have such secure internal boundaries (unless I forget, which I have done from time to time in my quest to understand humanity and become more human, to fit in, but that's an even older daily blog, perhaps) that I don't have to think about them. I ask little more than consistency and contact from others. So far, that has been asking for too much in almost every case. Maybe every case.

That may or may not be why the cover entry for this blog has remained the same (which requires future-dating it, if you know what I mean), but I just thought I'd mention that here and now as if it mattered and belonged here. But I really don't think I'm a creep, a musichead (who started as a radiohead, surely), yes, but not a creep. Sadly, the music died, but I never really said goodbye or even bye bye cuz the song goes on forever, so welcome back my friends to the show that never ends and do save a seat, or even the last dance, for me.

Or something like that.

Did you ever want to go back in time to see how you were and if you would have liked yourself? It could start with a short trip (though that could be a rabbit hole without an end cuz it goes on and on my friend). Maybe, maybe I'm wrong. I'll go on anyway. Walking on, and on, with hope in my heart. It's just my way, an impossible dream, perhaps, but I've got to be me. Honesty. Love. All we need. The whole world could be in love, actually live in love, if we wanted to. It would be such a better world. Imagine.

There is so much more to follow, more even than came before, from pain to bliss, euphoria to trauma, agony to ecstasy, and what's the opposite of depression?... but anyway, anyway, this is where this pauses in time and space to say hello to you. Hello, I love you, create peace and joy in your life, radiate love, share, care, be well, be aware... Whomever you are. Wherever you are. Whenever you are.

Shall more follow?

Narf...

false alarm

Reports of my demise have been in error, premature, even. You see, I have a farewell entry, an last-entry-ever (at least for this life as I know it), an entry scheduled for the future and, like tomorrow, it is always a day away. The thing is, for better or worse, if I don't remember to change the future date on the entry, it accidentally gets posted before I am soup. It is my final entry, after all, the entry that says farewell because the body breaths no more, the fingers type no more, the blah blah blahs no more.

I don't know exactly when that will happen, the end of the babble, but there's always hope that it will be next year, as opposed to this year, since next year, as you may have heard somewhere, is always a year away (get it?). Yeah, so I'll die tomorrow, I don't have time to die today. It's a philosophy, or something like that.

So, just in case you happened to spy those last words that slipped out here on to the internet in the past hour (and just imagine if I didn't have this sudden impulse to come here to write after being away for days and days, aye?), with much fanfare and celebration, I apologize for any stress, concern, or sorrow you may have felt.

I am not gone, only forgotten.

If you wonder why, here is a sampling of the wonders you've missed., a typical summary of food intake, for instance.. Carrots and a small low-carb tortilla smeared with fat-free cream cheese and a ribbon of grape jelly was a midnight snack after a dinner of a few slices of almost fat free ham and turkey and cheese on, you guessed it, a low-carb tortilla. A 100 calorie chocolate protein shake washed it all down. A yogurt and a shake was lunch, so today was a reduced calorie day after yesterday's all-I-could-eat pig out at the taste of Sanford food festival. That was fun.

The real, remember?

The daily blog, filed with all the daily trivia, from food to poop, from work to play, from highs to lows, and all that's in between. The daily details that make a life lived. As I said on the right, that daily chronological blog is elsewhere now. Here, at least for the last seven or five entries, entries appear rather haphazardly, randomly, and abstractly at times, as this blog was put to bed some three years ago when the daily life took a dramatic turn in another direction, a spiral downward that did not need recording, actually. Woe seldom does. It's much better now, but at the time....

Lonely days of abandonment and emptiness instead of support and repayment for betrayals and usury, the story of a life is still the same (old story). Several months went by and nobody mentioned that they noticed, but then, yet another phoenix of sorts rose, several, actually, in case it matters, and the daily life continued to be recorded for posterity. Feel free to applaud. Or just send money if that's easier.

Outrageous, no doubt.

There is a reason for everything, after all.

Someday... somehow... somewhere...

This will too.

Narf :)

Family is Forever

I wanted it to last forever.
How can it be real if it ends?
Family is meant to stay together
Especially a family of friends

When there is no biological family
Friends are all there is to be family
I was hoping you would be my family
If it ends how can it be family?

Ah, the question I've asked since before I knew I was asking. When I discovered I had no biological family, I realized that to have family, I had to choose to bond with those around me and choose family. I realized I had no definition, no reference other than the biological families I observed and stories about families and they were all so different in so many ways. I needed to define family for myself. I looked for the commonalities and similarities in how families behaved and decided that the ideal family lives and would die for each other. The ultimate sacrifice for another living being is being willing to give your life so that other being may live.

It's in all the books. lol.

I laugh to keep from crying.

Unfortunately, I have yet to find anyone who might die for me and so I accept a compromise of the ideal and base my choices on core values, on purest intentions, on what the person wants most in this life. My family is a person who wants peace and happiness in this life and above all else, to do no harm. My family wants no pain or suffering by my (or our) hands. I've come to compromise that as well, since we eat living things in order to survive so we have a hand in the death of living things. It may contradict my wanting to belief that all life is family, but there is an idealistic dreamer at my core who reaches beyond the understanding of life and death as we know it to find peace with some sort of unexplained balance. Intend no harm, do as little harm as possible. This is how I want to live. This is how I want my family to want to live. This is how I want us to help each other live.

Did I mention I have not found someone who wants to share this?

Still, there's always hope. Jackson is as close as I've come to a heart with purely harmless intentions. She does not always succeed, like me and perhaps everyone else, but she hurts more than anyone I know when others hurt. She does not handle it well and I sometimes fear for her emotional safety (even her physical safety at peak pain-feeling). I am not sure she knows she is an empath or maybe she does not understand how to process the feelings all the time. It is what makes her my choice for family at this time.

Being empathic comes with a fragility that requires great strength and many empaths do not develop such strength, leaving them confused and releasing the emotions in a variety of ways, some that appear incongruous with the caring that brings the ability to feel as an empath feels. The emotion coming in overwhelms the mind and it can lead to erratic, even violent behaviors that appear random (and may well be at times), sometimes aimed inward (ulcers are one result of repressed emotional energies, but the body reacts in a myriad of ways we barely know of).

In some ways, perhaps it is a desperate attempt to find some control of the flood of emotions overwhelming the mind and the people, experiences, and/or events stimulating the emotions. It is challenging for many people to accept some things are beyond our control, or unknown, for tat matter.

Anyway, this blog began maybe a year before I moved in with Jackson, which was part of a life change that inspired a shelving of the previous daily blog (that babbling madness called Behind The Candoor, for those of you who've been around that long. Have I said thank you lately? More than words will ever be able to express, I love you for continuing to check in on me. I am still hoping we will share more, if just a (or another) brief visit so we can look into each others eyes and smile, someday.

As I was saying, this blog has since been shelved, relatively, and a new daily has been flowing since the last major life change, which included Jackson and Curious (her/our cat) moving out, the loss of Happiness (her/or dog, who's ashes, or at least some of them, are carefully placed on a shelf wherever I may live... I still miss him dearly), and an adventure in living like a refugee in various places because, well, you can read about it in the current daily, ironically called in case it matters.

I stopped by here today for a specific purpose, however, and it appears that redefining what family means to me is part of that. The inspiration for this longer-than-usual brief daily retrospective entry is simply to say...

I chose you as family
because your heart is pure
I see and feel you feeling me
for your heart has no door
love is forever when it's real
and that can be challenging
for people lie and cheat and steal
egos all want to be king
but for those of us who's hearts take lead
this world can be cruel to feel
when it overwhelms, please remember me
I am here to help you heal

It's my own way of being family
I don't know how else to do it
whatever you may be going through
I am here to help you through it
I want no one to ever feel pain
and I know you wish the same for me
so you know I will say it again
we are family

On the day you came into the world
This world became a better place
and every year I will remind you
with the smile upon my face
when I think of you and feel your heart
I feel hope for humanity
so as another year of your life starts
Happy Birthday, family
Happy Birthday, my family

Happy Birthday, Jackson
Happy Birthday, E

Not The Best Date

Was it this way every year? What, sleepy? Oh, no, I mean not the best. Certainly once, but then, what is time? Is this now, or later? Reeling in the year (or years), as so often done to distract, obscure, and otherwise build the maze that keeps you ought and hopes the one will find me in it. Maybe it's a sick joke (or just sick?... maybe). Maybe not. Close, but no cigar. I don't know why, I just do.

When the answer is I don't know, most people let fear overcome good reason, but here in this land of blog, you never know exactly when change may come and if you have any sort of issue, aversion, or fear of change... well, you probably shouldn't. Even if it doesn't change, it might. It you are awake, then you know everything changes, so get over it and maybe you'll remember something that will bring you back home like old friends or chocolate.

It is real, I tell ya, really real.

Narf :)

We Did Have Fun Once, Right?

I just don't want to let go of the sharing we had, whatever it was, I want it to have meaning and lasting effect on our affect in this life. I just want to remember the good times and resolve the unspoken frustrations, the challenges and betrayals, so I know I was not just used and it meant something to you too. I want to believe it was more fun than stress, more fun than anything else. So I don't let go and I keep coming back because I want to know what it meant to you to live with me all these years.

There's always hope (so I hope), ya know?

I just want to know.

Narf :)

Today (Once Upon A Time)

The real, aye? What is real? is it what the majority believes is real? Is it what you feel? How can you tell? And do you tell? That would be telling, no doubt.

you know I used to think it mattered
so I would come here every day
writing as if you were reading
as if I had something to say
now I know it doesn't matter
it is just a game I play
believing someone cares
and love will find a way

A year from now and then a hundred days and two score more, that is the time, in case it matters. This appears here so the entry that was here can be advanced another year so it would always appear as the first entry visible when coming to this blog. Is that real? Is it illusion? Is it truth or a lie? Is telling real? That would be telling, ya know?

Still awake?

So anyway, did anybody i actually know in life offline ever really read this? (or take it seriously?) Could be all in the side bar over there (glancing to the right). And tomorrow may know, but it isn't telling, cha cha cha.

Round and round and round we go
where we might stop, nobody knows

Naturally there will be more, even if it seems over.

What Was Real, What Is Real

Maybe you were never here
and maybe you never cared
maybe you just used me when you needed me
I hardly ever see you now
but you still call when you need something
even now

and next year
and next year
will it still be the same
will you leave me alone
until you need something

we all need something
I need honesty
I need someone who cares
I need loyalty

we all need something
I need a friend
someone who won't leave
love without end

and still I keep this blog alive
somehow to keep this hope alive
that you may stop the lie
and be a friend someday

and if that time ever arrives
I hope I am still alive
so your heart doesn't hurt
because you stayed away

it is still not too late to keep your promise
to not abandon me like all the others
it's still not too late to be the person you want to b
it's in your heart to believe we are all sisters and brothers
imagine all the people sharing all the world
the dream really can come true
the goodness in your heart has the best of intentions
but what is real is what you do

what was real, what is real
is you only use me when you need me
but what is real can change in a moment
you can be the friend you want to be

another year
it is next year
will it still be the same
will you leave me alone
until you need something

we all need something
and when you need me
I'll still be here
I'll still be there

we all need something
and I need you to be
the person you want to be
so you can know peace
stop being afraid
to be who you want to be
true to your word
a true friend
true to family

the end of this song is waiting for you...

b

So many people promise to love forever, to always be there, to always care. So many people just drop that promise when someone else comes into their lives. So many people are torn by betrayal, living in fear, afraid to share. You don't have to be one of those people. Live up to the ideals of your steeple. You don't have to abandon your friends. You can prove your love never ends.

Yeah, yeah yeah.

Everyone I've ever loved has left me. Still somehow I believe in the possibility that human beings can be trusted. There are almost seven thousand entries in this blog, almost all written while living with my BFF. At least that's what she called me. A while back I lived with someone who called me the love of my life for eight years. We even bought a house together. I don't hear from her anymore. I gave everything I had to another who let be take the role of father to her kids and she left me on the street with nothing, literally, nothing. It took me more than a year to rebuild a life. Then there was first love. We were forever, or so we said. BFF is supposed to be forever too. Forever doesn't mean the same thing to me I guess.

There were others I trusted and they took everything I could give until I had nothing left and they left when I had no more to give them. All called themselves friends. All took everything I could give and left as soon as I had no more to give. None stayed in touch, except one, but mostly by text unless she need something. Yes, you.

I don't know why I continue believing in human beings when I have so much evidence that people can not be trusted. I just keep believing there is someone who can give it all the way I do and keep hoping I will find her and she will want to share it all with me.

None of the doors ever close. None of the blogs ever end.

That was real, this is real.

Narf :)

The Wandering Away

Just like this one, 0 comments

Life is Pretend

This is the real. Did you think otherwise? Maybe for some, some of the sharing is genuine and some of the caring is real. I envy those people sometimes, but then, I see the pretending they do too and they pretend not to know they pretend. Or they choose to be ignorant of their choice. Pretending people care. I live in the real, alone. No one knows when I feel pain or fear or love or happiness. We exist in the vacuum of our minds and we try to explain what is going on in there, what we experience as being one within one. All connected, all consuming each other. Life consumes itself to survive, We use species delineations to pretend we are not cannibals. Illusion, pretending, making it up as we go along. Nobody knows what really goes on in another's head, for each collection of trillions of cells form a unique experience, different from every other if we really compare it, but we pretend to be alike, to think alike, by staying on the surface and staying with other life that looks like us, other people who look like us. Real is that we are more easily convinces to fight and kills each other than share and care for each other. Love is scarier than fear. That is real. See beyond the illusion, the pretend, and you may understand what you understand.

It would be depressing if I was not so incorrigibly hopeful that we will someday know we are all part of one.

Who will you consume today?

Narf :)

This Is The Real

Sometimes I feel oh... yes, sometimes I feel like I've been tied to a whipping post. So much betrayal, so much abandonment, so much fear in this life. Even those with the purest hearts and best of intentions will sometimes want to squash me, suppress me, silence me when all I want to do in this life is sing out loud and proud and free and open and honest about all I feel and think and do and am. I am so sad to think that sharing honest love and unconditional trust can feel like pain to anyone. For me, holding back, hiding, letting time go by not giving the dream my all is like dying.

And I wailed in the night to anyone who cared...

let me be who I am...

and please please please let me love again.

Sadly, I must accept that many are gone (so many more in their own private gardens that have not breathed in my ear in decades) and even sadder, some who are not gone would rather be gone and forgotten. I am so very sorry it hurts to be here with me and I shall do my best to be as obscure as I can be - but love is the opening door... I'll leave you out of it as challenging as that may be when I just want to shout from rooftops

thank you for being, for caring, for inspiring me to believe in love and continue nurturing what little hope I have left that my dreams really can come true in this life.

Shhhh...

I am trying to understand, trying so hard to resist my nature, to understand the fears, and hoping my maze obscures my defiance enough to amuse or console enough so I can continue living my dream of sharing everything with respect for privacy. If this is a baffling entry, then I may have succeeded. My hope is you are amused at the lengths I will take to compromise even as it may drive us to madness (gleefully, I hope).

But nobody heard... . . and that is the real.

Narf.

NGUNS

Could be say no to guns which would be a much more healthy, humane, and heroic motto than the hypocritical say no to drugs soapbox the warhawk's wives have been peddling for years, but it is, for me personally, never give up, never surrender and that is the truth, from the big rocking chair to the core of my being. Years pass, I survive. Most important (or importantly, for your grammatical fevers), hope survives. Belief in love survives. The dream survives.

Even as the people I believe in fail me.

no one picks you up when you are down
when you are giving up
from my experience

stories told about the saddest clown
are never quite enough
for the delerious

tell me how your god is gonna save you
tell me how you care and how you pray
everything you do shows me the opposite
where is all your caring today?

paying for guns, paying for bombs
paying your taxes and closing your eyes
children cry help us and no one responds
you party as the world dies

I challenge you to save the world
I challenge you to live or die
I challenge you to tell me the truth
you hide, you run, you deny
I challenge you to tell me why

I know fear, but I still care. I am almost giving up, but not quite. The real goes on trying to live the dream, trying once again to reach out to you tonight. (e)thereal still reaching for the light. (e)thereal still trying to do what is right.

never give up, never surrender...

narf :)

I Won't Give Up On Us

Close to a birthday of family adopted 22 or more years ago yet silent for much of the last 20 years and so much murky waters have passing into the abyss that any reasonable normal human mind might suggest I cross the line into insanity or at least some accepted mental disorder, obsessive compulsive or (open the DSM V and explore) whatever, but I am what I am and I do not renege on my adoptions as anyone who knows me can attest (and a new test is on-going as this date occurs, no doubt {and there is no doubt that the challenge this time is second only to the challenge last time and what does that make this, test four in this life?... A, S, G, E... others?... adopt, separate, give, [no word for E quite yet , so perhaps expect, evolve, abyss , eternity, extrapolate, ethereal, oh so many are in contention, every one with more or less potential, can it get more exciting than this?], e... or actually perhaps five [M before A but not after X or ?... ?] or more as well, but this was he second longest adoption with living together [and, come to think of it, there were at least two more N, M, after G but before H, though my investment was slightly less emotional and dependent] with dependency since the longest and age plays a definitive roll in the bounce back regeneration process, but all this [and that too], is an obscurity [multiple layers of obscurity, in fact] of many different colors [and this was a parentheses of many different levels, one for the ages, no doubt, again] that we can explore [if we remember] when we are a we again}, and it continues in this blog in some sort of mad secret life lives on some different plane of consciousness or alternate universe, even, perhaps in ethereal as the e-the-real will not let go of hope, faith, belief, or any such conceptual connections), so this added value entry appears as if it was always here, if you dare dive deep into the abyss of the ethereal with me and make some semblance of sense of the multitude of words and thousands of entries you can find here.

What?

I won't give up on us, that's all. Every one. (wink)

Narf :)

Again

More to follow

(hopefully)

Reality Squared (One Year Later)

Again, maybe (not in the classic maybe, but something much more inherent and specifically referenced {as specific as references get, perhaps} in this particular blog), repleat with the usual fanfare, I return to titillate the senses (and voices in my head) with the hope of some magical mystery tour someone might join me on someday (soon would be nice). If you do not follow, you will never get there. Yeah, profound good morning to you too.

later, tater

This Date, A Year From Now (Or Maybe Tomorrow)

Likely before next week, next year, at this time.

Today is a good day for magic
Today is a good day for love.
Today is a good day to take a chance on
that dream that you've been dreaming of.

Yeah, baby... Take a chance on the dream you've been sleeping and then take a chance on the promise you've been keeping and then take the final step past the final straw and throw all caution to the wind (to the winds, even...

then, just maybe, you can finally begin.

or end

every now and then

Always, always, always...

I miss you so.