everybody dance!

and by dance, i mean move... any sort of movement will do, but the vigorous the better... get the heart pumping to at least twice, if not three times it's resting rate and make the rest of the muscles burn... lactic acid is your friends... for as important as rest and relaxation is, moving is important too... there are those who cannot move and must accept being in an atrophic body and choose between despair and depression or determination to make the most of the mind (so it does not atrophy)... there are those who are born without movement or higher level cognitive abilities (like language or analysis) and the must accept life as they are (often quite happy just to use what senses they do have to interact with anyone who comes near)... the point of this title is to encourage every one of you (and me too) to do what we can do as well as we can do it and most specifically, move regularly through the day and move as much as we can at least an hour or two a day to help the body maintain maximum conditioning and regenerate cells as optimally as possible... let's start a movement for life...

yes, i can be positive at times... and yes, this message is worth repeating (and simplifying, so feel free to go for it), especially by the body (come on body, don't die on me yet)... this is just one more way i strive to be me, in this case using words to remind us to choose life and stay alive as much as possible on this journey toward death and to do all we can to get the most out of this life experience...

and make it fun :)

fat truth sucks

really, i had the best of intentions and still do, but i have wandered away from the path of goodness and righteousness as long as we both shall live... wait, that's another story... i mean i have drifted off task, the task being living a healthy life as if i want to continue living a healthy life for a long long time cuz when it comes to the consumption of calories, i consume about twice as much as i need some days and the last two or three weeks i've had a lot of those days... in a row... consecutively... yes, the body of evidence is clear, i am years past my prime and allowed myself (body, mind, soul, anima, ka, etc.) to vege into obvious stupidity (with a touch of haunting memories of conscious awareness and perfection)... alas, i knew it all once...

the ignorance i have accepted in some selfless attempt to be normal (or was it a selfish attempt to quell loneliness?... yeah, one of those... or both) has consumed me and all that is left is a bloated shell of my former self... if only losing one's mind helped one's body lose weight, i'd be svelt and feeling so much less lethargically inclined... you must have know, you watch it happen, or at least read about it... you might have saved me if you wanted too... but no, now that i am an unattractive pathetic ball of pre-diabetic blubber with no core which is so sad, i mean, even the fat girl pitching softball with no neck has a core, i mean, just watch her swing, but not me, i am a blob of jellified flesh masticating away, or something like that...

there, that ought to wake me up to the slow suicidal tendencies i've been living in recent years... it might not be in time to return to myself or survive the insanity, but at least i will be more aware of why i die when i die... next time, i intend to focus more consistently on sex which ought to keep the body motivated to stay healthier and quell the out of control taste buds... yeah, the kissing diet, that's what i'll do next time... i mean, if there is a next time... life, that is...

narfat sucks too, even as i laugh at myself...

narf :}

and then it was one

one o'clock, that is... yes, as ridiculous as it is (unhealthy, even), and in spite of being away more than eighteen hours and falling asleep sitting here some ten hours ago, i am way too awake and waking in five hours again is so not a good idea... itchy testicles?... perhaps you've been sitting with the laptop on your lap too long, or falling asleep with it on your lap, or maybe it's crabs... did you fall for the distraction or are you checking your groin?... hey, women are not immune, even if you are ballless... ballless, is that a word?... looks weird... blogger doesn't do spell check, does it?... i forget... you good go mad and never know it, ya know?... then again, maybe not...

and then i stuffed myself with pasta or oatmeal and chips and more (depends on which night this is, not that this is any sort of generic entry or what not) and the scale reports a rise in the weight, again, and the fool lives dangerously closer to the edge and end and i'm wasted and i can't find my way home... at least for the moment... james corden is no craig fergusen, but he can be amusing...

i'm done, narf :}

tough loss

some nights we just don't show up and some nights not all of our players show up and some nights we choose the wrong game plan and that's what happened, all three, tonight... so we were in a three way tie for first place and not we are in a three way tie for second place, losing to the first place team twice... one of the three way tie for second place teams is the other team we lost to and we play them next week... another must win... will our best players show up?... will we choose the right defensive strategy?... will we hit?... stay tuned in and we will find out next week, similar bat time, same bat blog (bat, softball, get it?... oh, you though i meant the caped crusader?... silly puppy lol)... what sucks personally is i pitched an average game and we played average fielding and we hit poorly and i hit crap, first 0-fer in weeks... grumble grumble hear me mumble losing focus as i stumble watch my batting average tumble... there, that's reverse psychology witchcraft, in case you wondered... hey, are we having fun yet?...

stuck around and watched jackson's game and they lost too, but jackson played really well... anyway, time for something completely different... so an american in paris is a musical on broadway?... yeah, distractions are us... girls just wanna have fun, after all... no, i don't want to write to prisoners again... been there, done that, back when i published the letter exchange... prisoners were just a small part of the readership/audience... it was a magazine for pen pals, if you know what that means... people, once upon a time, use a pen to write words on paper that they stuffed in an envelope and put in mailboxes to communicate with each other... i know, weird, right?...

i think i'll stop now... the sting of losing is gone... till tomorrow, and all that jazz...

narf :)

the first people

even that name is pretentious (or something like that) as it is a name they did not choose, but rather a name conquerers gave the people... like indians... or native americans... a few hundred years ago the brutal conquerers did everything they could to erase ten thousand years of human culture... genocide... grumble...

the hypocrisy of condemning other people who committed genocide is a proud american way (not just here from the start, aye?... sigh)...

yeah, well, sometimes i rail at injustice, for what it's worth...

and sometimes i just get sick of humans...

narf...

the best of intentions

yes... once there was a way to get back to where we once belonged... and this is one way as it is an internet archive (for as long as it lasts), a repository of every web page ever put on the internet (at least that's the intention... it may miss plenty, but who would know... oh yeah, the page creator looking for their page, that's who)...

all through this life i have beeen in love with the written word and writing started shortly after i could hold a crayon... i set about continuing writing as the internet came along and started putting the writings with the intention of sharing them with anyone who cared to read and creating a web world of words that would preserve my writings long after i was gone... sites offered web pages for life and i believed...

and then they were gone... deleted by one corporation after another... while some of the words are on hard drives on old computers, many were lost forever because i did not have hard copies, only web copies... and then i found that the internet archive saved many of the pages from the original site and the links to the main entrances are explained a bit below... this entry probably has a lot more to say but for now, this is the return of the original web world...

MAIN GATE - ah yes, the replicated main gate was as close as i could get to the original main gate and was meant to be the first page, the portal to the web world i was starting to create in the 1990s... it linked the portals to the other entry points i created along the way that i describe below...

FRONT DOOR - and the front door, the original starting point for me on the web, my first web page, a simply rambling, ever-growing narrative branching off with links to each of the other pages that started my writing on the web...

WINDOW - influenced by the beatles she came in through the bathroom window and melissa's come to my window and other references including the many stories in which friends visited each other through windows from the romantic visits at juliet's balcony (or jasmine's) to the best friend visits in forrest gump or dawson's creek or more recently, twilight... personally, my own window was a profound visitation point for my best friend and my first love... so here i was welcoming those who truly wanted to know me past the fears and lies and suspicions, here i welcomed potential true friends...

BACK DOOR - not quite as close and personal as the window, though it pretty much replaced the main gate, front door, and window once att deleted the entire web world i trusted to their free web page service... i still feel the burn and loss, though the wayback machine helps...

THE WRITTEN GARDENS - this was the cover page, the portal to the creative writing and eventually, to almost all of the writings i put on the web for those who wanted to read and not necessarily want the personal contact the other paths offered...

CROSSROADS - and this was the table of contents found after entering the written gardens, the single page directly linking all the other parts of the web world i created back then... it was presented in three sections, the top being the creative theme writings, the middle section (the gardens of ones) explained below, and the bottom section the personal writings of journals, diaries, blogs, and so on... at the very bottom of the page the odds and ends were linked...

GARDENS OF ONES - once upon a time i dedicated a book to writings inspired by specific people and each section contained were rhymes and letters inspired by individuals who moved me to write to, for, or about them in some way...

NEWSBEE'S UNIVERSE - the public writings in newsgroups and other public places on the web were collected here as i spent much time in conversations using the handle newsbee...

WEBBOT'S WORLD - and webbot was the alter-ego of anonanonanon (and this handle still represents me on facebook when i find time to go there), though webbot's world barely got off the ground before att deleted everything...

OLD GATE - and even before the loss of all the words and images linked here to att's greed, all of this was rebuilt on the att site after disney deleted the first web world i created that was the core of everything linked from the portals listed here that then expanded into what is linked here... this became a simple page explaining my frustration of losing everything...

sick puppy

alas, happiness is a sick puppy tonight... lethargic, diarrhea all day, could not hold it several times in the past two days... all the signs of a gastrointestinal or urinary infection (or both)... the poor old guy is sick as a dog... yeah, we're trying to laugh, but there's no laugh in him tonight... he will probably have an accident tonight while i am sleeping but i've got to sleep and he doesn't want me anymore when he is sick, he doesn't even want to get up and tonight he didn't even want to go out for a walk which is extremely rare because he fights coming back indoors these days... he can't find a comfortable spot, just keeps struggling to stand, walks in circles, and struggles to lay back down... he's nearing his end, alas... hopefully by monday he'll feel better and we'll get another month or year of his happy smiley bouncing life in our lives...

meanwhile, i had four italian dinners today so i'm on the bloated side... yeah, i couldn't just have one or two, no, i had to have four meals today... i should be the one with the tummy ache, aye?...

narf :)

this was last night

first, some impromptu fortuitous philosophy and nonchalant self-promoting cuz i really want someone to know me (or something like that)... what you want it to be it will be if you understand what makes everything move (and i mean everything for there is so much more to explore and that is just where it begins even if you don't recall) with intensity beyond reason and the point of it all could be random...

and now, briefly (is that ever possible?... of course it is, i just don't often do it, but before we digress too far before we even begin, we will leave the infinite confines of this parenthetic aside to continue with the paragraph just starting up... or out, for that matter... yes, it would appear i am in a semi-incomprehensibly multiple adverbial word and possibly confusion creating creating seriously irreverent babbling mood so do feel free to proceed at your own risk) summing up the life lived in the physical world offline, after a long day of continued transitioning my management team (being down two managers is not always fun and considering i've reduced the management team from ten to six with just four of the six currently filled, there is a lot more work on my plate these days), i rushed home to grab some food and change and found happiness needing to go out and as i was putting his leash on he peed from that spot all the way to the front door which put a damper on my plans since there was then no time for food what with the carpet and rug and floor clean up (did i mention he pulled off the leash outside and proceeded stop in front of a couple of neighbors coming home from work to pee on the sidewalk so they had to walk on the grass around him?... awkward) jackson got home and rushed to dress and we headed to softball... the frustration passed and i met the new girl who seemed cool, though shy so it'll take a bit of time to get to know her, and after an 18-8 run rule victory for our friday night softball team with jackson playing for the first time in many weeks and hitting pretty well considering the layoff, we went to eat at hurricane grill because the it was approaching 10pm and both mykonos (greek, in case the name doesn't give it away) and tiajuana flats were both closing at 10pm and i had a burger that did not live up to expectations because they did not make it to my order but that is to be expected at most sports bars which is why i prefer not to each at sports bars, especially not full meals when i am really hungry and i was really hungry, but their appetizers were really good, so i didn't complain and we had fun and then headed home (i stopped for jeremiah's) and jackson headed to bed because every day is a work day for my hard working underpaid dear heart thanks to mostrous student loan debt she will be paying off until she retires, or beyond, and i sat at the laptop with the tv on in the background all set to catch up on shows and babble on a bit and before long, i was watching more tv than writing and fell asleep before i uploaded any words, but all this happened and is now recorded for posterity and anyone who cares...

and yes, well, the real (sarcastic) excitement was what we pulled off the dvr tv tonight: mr robot... wayward pines... under the dome... complications... defiance... killjoys... dark matter... astounding, no doubt, how sci-fi attracts my attention even when it is wrought with bad drama, though i put it to you, am i just imagining it because i am in an easy to please mood or is the latest offerings in this genre suggesting a slight improvement in writing creativity?...

so how was your night?...

narf :)

seriously, relax

i remember when macd's burgers were a quarter... not a quarter pounder, i mean twenty five cents... and nathan's franks were a nickle... at least i think i remember that... maybe i just saw pictures... i think i remember knishes for ten cents... ten bagels for a dollar?... yes, new york food... when pizza was a quarter a slice too... what pizza wars?... fans?... new york pizza, yeah... all that's missing is a chocolate shake... but then, call some place paradise, some mofo's gonna wanna blow it the fuck up... right on right on...

see, i'm not crazy and neither are you... we're just stressed and overwhelmed by a practically inconceivable disparity of wealth and a world in which people are conditioned to accept the unfairness of ever increasing poverty that traps most people in a daily struggle to survive and leaves them so tired they are blind to the hamster wheel they run on... and those of us aware that they are on the wheel are taught to believe they are powerless to get off or change anything... and we grow to doubt ourselves as fatigue overwhelms us and leaves us lost in a cloud of whatever just wanting to catch up on sleep so we can make it through the next day of running the wheel... the bottom line is all we can do is relax and enjoy it...

at least that's what they want you to believe...

narf :}

the words flowed

from the beginning (thank you elp and all the ships at sea and all the friends at home for all the time i roam), but seriously?... i mean (suddenly leaving the past {and the past moment} behind), i upload more than a dozen entries (i mean, the words flowed, ya know?) in one brief few hours and each entry gets four page views and that's it?... no made rush of page views like a couple of weeks ago when there are almost three hundred in a day? (if you didn't realize i was talking in the millions of page views, well, you are living in a dream world... different than mine, for sure)... astounding... so what to do, what to do, what would you do?... what do you do?... how do you do?... scooby dooby do?... what?... you are too busy watching wayward pines to notice?... maybe you'd rather be under the dome, aye?... yeah, i know, the nba draft is on, how could anybody be inerested in some silly soap operas?... but what i meant to ask was seriously, what do you think of this answer?... network with a whole new twist, perhaps... yes, there are references in italics, you are not imagining it... and yes, mr. robot grabs the paranoid market hands down, but how in the world is the illuminati and one percent of the one percent allowing it?... must be part of their plan...

robert klein would have loved these times, his sound was made for it...

narf :)

crossed promises

when you love someone can you love someone else and not be able to decide which love is stronger or who you want more?... how can you choose?... who is to win, who is to lose?... will you divide the attraction into component parts?... into libido and mind and spirit and soul and heart?... which part of you will get exactly what it wants?... how can you choose?... who is to win and who is to lose?... when you fall in love with two what do you do, how do you choose... who is to win and who is to lose...

and when both are gone how do you carry on?...

carry on...

the words flow

even when i am not here, the words flow... even when i am not uploading them, the words flow... sometimes i push, when the words get hard to find... most of the time the words are pouring out and those hard times are just when i am not catching them... losing words to the ethers, or aethers, thin air, even, such a typically irreverence thing to do... so universally casual, as if there is an infinite time and space to expand into whenever the moment is right... patience is the greatest ally of the creative mind and yet, it can be the greatest foe of the genius... the balance is revered when it happens... those who find it are called gods or kings or something like that... maybe... we believe what we want to believe, after all... and our belief makes our belief real, at least in our mind, especially when we declare it... share the belief with someone who believes in the same belief and wow, how real can it get... the world was flat once, after all... just like the universe... coulda woulda shoulda if you know what i mean... barb amy shari . . . sandy dawn gail . . . goo...

still amused, after all these years... cha...

narf :)

still awake, fool

yes, another early day tomorrow, no more bp pills, and an important inverview to lead at 10am so i will skip the morning med and consider leaving after the interview to try to find a doctor who will write a script for the med the medical industry got this body addicted to... maybe i should watch the new show proof to find out what to expect tomorrow when the body rebounds and the blood pressure sets off a stroke or heart attack (did i mention how much we love drama?) and now i can mock how fixated we are on death... it's a cultural thing, right... so what will prime time mainstream tv make of this life after death concept? Ican they do it with rational scientific thought and now lay on the religious dogma?... probably not in this country)... or is it cable... way-too-rich guy wants to live forever or at least know what happens after life and buys the illusion of knowing that medical science might provide?... but he's so down to earth... did we just laugh or was that just me?... lol... of course she'll play hard to get, skeptic use intellectualism to hide their fear while believers use ignorance to hide theirs... profound comes out of nowhere sometimes... maybe it's anticipation of no more bp pills... rational what?...

or long term sleep deprivation...

narf :)

invasions of privacy

the internet is bugged, in case you didn't know... so i search for my doctor because he seems to have disappeared and i get a recorded call from my health insurance company asking for my date of birth and social security number and when i press zero a dozen times to try to get a human voice, the automated call devise hangs up on me... i called back and was connected to the same automated caller... greed knows no shame... so i called to complain to a human and the human swore to me that the health insurance corporation would never have an automated calling system that would ask for such personal information... yeah, right... so either they are corrupt and sell my personal health information to some third party or they have a website that has been hacked... or maybe it is zocdoc, since i went there too... or perhaps it is cvs, since they have an automated calling system too and they know my diagnosis and my insurance company... amazing how connected we are, aye?... how do rich people sleep at night?... they must not know how easily and suddenly everything they have, and are, can be gone... identify theft is a bitch, ya know?...

people believe what they want to believe and that is enough for most people...

narf :)

is this irony or coincidence?

yeah, whatever, like i really want to know or anyone cares or can really provide the answer that can satisfy the masses or me, even, but the fact is this old entry got the most page hits today and just moments ago i pigged out on more taco bell food than anyone should ever eat in one sitting because i said fukital to health and indulge the taste buds and provide myself with the emotional comfort food brain body high rather to pass the frustration of finally reaching the doctor's office only to find he is no longer there and there is no way i can get my blood pressure meds without making an appointment and starting over with a new doctor (but they offered to let me see the pa in a couple of days at 7am) so i will tke my last blood pressure pill tonight and start tomorrow without the meds and who do i sue if i die or vege out with a stroke?... yeah, i know, ridiculous question... but is the medical profession any less ridiculous?... so i am not dead yet, but maybe the gods of the page visits know better...

life, what a farce...

narf :}

so where have i been, who wonders?

there is a lyric in there, somewhere, out there, over the rainbow, even... sky rocketing blood pressure prices have increased the pain in the neck and provided enough distraction from any form of clarity that all i can do is babble on into the night as sleep is warded off by pain, in case you didn't know, and all the wonder and excitement of dreams gone by can not put the eggman back together with the walrus, koo koo ka choo, gadzooks-heit mercy buckets and a happy new year... the preceeding nonsense was brought to you by 86% cacao and a ridiculous amount of fat and carbs, limited exercise, an aging body, and a medical profession (and any number of religions) that will kill you if you don't comply... remember that the next time you see your doctor... or your priest... meanwhile, the sci-fi channel is not working tonight, which sucks, because they have one of their terrible film festivals on... not to mention the laptop so full of dust it's not only overheating too easily, it smells like toasted marshmellows, only burnt... human hair burning, ya know?... minka kelly just showed me her left breast...

and then my laptop quite suddenly said google is not available... of course, brighthouse is down again... brighthouse sucks, by the way, in case you didn't know... after not using the laptop all evening and night i finally sit back with my feet up ready to type and then fall asleep and suddenly brighthouse is down again... they abuse the word friend...

and we were going so well...

narf :}

must win against a slugging team

tonight we went out there knowin we had to win to keep up with the first place team (we have two loses, they have one) and everyone told me how to pitch without understanding how to pitch... meanwhile, just like last week, we scored only six runs... the good news is i didn't listen to them and pitched the way i know how to pitch and they played great defense behind me so we won 6-2... must win, did... so we move back into a tie for first by breaking our two game losing streak and three teams are now 5-2 with another team at 4-3 with three games left and we play both of the other 5-2 teams in the next two weeks (we beat the 4-3 teaam twice and our two loses were to the other two 5-2 teams the past two weeks)... must win, must win... felt great to have a solid defense behind me...

so how was your night? :)

the energy is so off tonight

so much static in the air, internal fuses are blowing, the internet stopped working, the sci-fi channel is breaking up, the phone won't charge, the neck is aching, the tinnitus is screaming, the bloat is high, stress is higher, physical discomfort is preventing sleep, and i need to be at work in four hours... reboot the box, reboot the laptop, reboot the body, reboot the brain, reboot the world... universe?... reboot the big bang?... bigadabangaboom...

and tomorrow i will think... how did i know?...

and why am i smiling...

narf :)

stress raises blood pressure

stressing over running out of blood pressure medication is what?... ironic?... sardonic?... stupid?... yeah, well, i may need a new doctor again... the doctor who put me on the blood pressure medication has once again failed to respond to the pharmacy that requested a faxed refill order so i am out of blood pressure medication tomorrow and i can't reach anyone at the doctor's office until tomorrow and must find time at work to do that... what usually happens at work is that i forget to eat, no less remember to make personal calls or do anything not work related... it's a wonder i remember to take the damn pills i never wanted to be on but was talked into it before i realized it becomes a physical addiction and the body rebounds to higher blood pressure levels if you stop the medications... when i confronted my last doctor about her continued recommendations to put me on more and more medications, she told me her legal department advised her to drop me as a patient... so i went off the blood pressure meds for a few years and returned to them this year because 200+ over 100+ is not a good blood pressure to walk around with for years... and now, for the fourth or more times, i am stressing over running out of the medication...

the pharmacy auto-called me last thursday to say my medication was due for refill and i should press the number one if i wanted the refill, as if i have a choice anymore... i pressed number one and the recording said my prescription will be ready sunday... a prescription that takes fifteen minutes will take four days due to the automated system?... anyway, i went to pick up the prescription and the pharmacist said they did not hear back from the doctor and there is a no refill order on my prescription for blood pressure medication... fuck you medical profession... get the body addicted to a drug that risks death if i stop taking it and then prevent me from taking it by not refilling the prescription... seems unethical, but it forces me to pay the doctor more money to monitor my medication which naturally is not working because i am stressed and not taking the meds because the prescription ran out... definitely wrong, probably legal... i see why people become or go to lawyers...

i've got a very early day tomorrow and this will be keeping me awake tonight...

brilliantly disturbing

the video is brilliantly disturbing... the sounds, the visuals, the story, the presentation, the artifice, the message... chilling... and so i declare for all to see once again (how noble and self-important, aye?... well, the self-mockery of this parenthetic interruption ought to balance the pomp, or so the theory goes) i want to know her (and play with her and hug her and squeeze her and take her home and name her ka cuz she's not a george, she's more kawaii though much deeper, but you get my drift if you remember the reference)... she is living the dream i dreamed when i was her age in so many ways... there was no way to do it back then, all the equipment, the toys, the stuff i would have had... kind of a perfect ad placement too, but that's beside the point (or is it?... if she chose the add {what ad?}, that is another way of making the point... near perfectly, perfectly even, if we believe perfect is possible)... cute and musical, yes, but so much more...

the long narrow hallway on the way to surgery is way too symbolic... and the maze i can't believe you found your way (favorite line of believers, if you know)... proof is already extremely disappointing, but then, what can we expect from mainstream tv that only knows how to regirgitate the same old stories...

narf with a sigh :)

the hardest part?

while many would agree with the musical premise that waiting is the hardest part, perhaps somewhere in the brain i inhabit i decided that it is not since i choose it (waiting) over the other possible choices or perhaps i am simply not ready to take a chance again which is another musical premise to be considered... it's not all about sex, after all, but that doesn't mean we should do without sex just because we are waiting for the perfect love... what's that song?... you can stumble on to somthing real and never know... oh... jackson wants to watch the the new life after death show... interesting, since her biggest fear is death... maybe she's growing, aye?... love to tease people about their fears, you know... i'm just mean like that... truth is, if you must force me to admit it, i do it because i love so much, honest love... get over your fears and you will understand the beautiful freedom of life... you won't know it all until you do...

waiting, yup, that's not always the hardest part...

narf :)

waiting

so i reached an epiphone in the shower last week (and now that's a week before, perhaps, so i'll just post this here and leave it while i work on the dozen or more other entries started since the last entry which was last monday) that might have been between the sugar madness and the trees falling (see catch up below) but was primarily influenced by the pores opening and brain focusing and as quickly as it popped it's little head up from the dark murk of the depths of my psyche, i got busy with work and life and didn't turn this laptop on (or think about it or writing or myself or anything being work and softball and the simple distractions i enjoy (tv, or not tv, that is the question... oooo, get the brilliant classical literature reference?... yeah as long as the silly simplicity of such word play amuses me to over-dramatic fanfare {could be random}, all is well in the head regardless of appearances)... and days later, or more, this entry still sits in the notepad awaiting something like completion or cohesiveness or perhaps just getting to the point yeah yeah yeah)...

anyway, the point of the epiphone (as if jumping right into it will somehow distract us from the depths of stupidity and let it pass with little more than a casual mention), i have chosen to wait for someone else to take the lead, to care enough to be the one to run ahead... yeah, waiting for someone else to come along before i return to be the best i can be has been a lifestyle choice for a long long time (linda ronstadt song reference intended, though there is so much more within and behind as usual)...

waiting, aye?...

narf :)

nothing to do on holidays

not that mother or father's days are holidays in the time off from works sense, but being that they are scheduled on sundays many people who do work are off from work (and considering how many people do not work, though there are far fewer housewives or househusbands these days than there used to be since there is a much much smaller percentage of people who can afford to be in single-income households, but that's beside the point as is so many important facts and figures), there is a certain sadness that comes from a certain loneliness that can creep up on one or the other parental holidays, especially for parents who have long wached their offspring leave their nest, but even for people who never created or adopted kids along the way on this life journey... i received a happy dad's day text this morning about 7am while i was still fast asleep which reminded me it was father's day out there in the world beyond my imagination (where every day is an all-inclusive holiday celebrating being alive) and this entry rolled out all these hours later as i smile whistfully and realize there is no softball practice or games scheduled for today, so i can do whetever i want and what i am choosing to do, so far, is hang out home alone with words and music... doing this once a week has become a treat and rest i so enjoy, even loneliness doesn't overpower the feeling of simply solitary pleasure...

fact is, i often have nothing to do on holidays because i don't celebrate as others do and don't enjoy the pretense or escapes or delusions most people buy into in so many ways... i'd rather be playing softball or running a 5k or playing some other game, enjoying life without the pretense that we need a reason to get together to simply enjoy life... i see the weak egos desperate for applause and attention and it is an unpleasant feeling to realize i do not relate to that mindset which just increases loneliness instead of decreasing it, so i prefer to be by myself in my own world where i can choose the pretenses and escapes and delusions that satisfy me...

may you enjoy your holidays as much as i enjoy mine :)

sports drama

some things are just ridiculous, like the sports soap operas that seem to fill every sports off-season as if to say don't forget about me... the addiction to trivial drama is sick... amusing, but sick... nothing sets off those crazy endorphins like tearing down hero... just ask tiger... the most powerful persuader humans have is ostracization, a favorite of groups who believe one thing who refuse to accept others might believe something else, contrary even... or paradise... remember the last resort?... just let me know when you get lost and i'll follow you... freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose, after all...

pushing the limits can kill a body... hope it doesn't happen tonight...

narf :)

saturday mornings are right for sleeping

and somehow awake way too early on a saturday... a text from work didn't help, but then, there is so much to do at work so a text from the manager who went in to tak care of something for me is better than waking even early and going in to take care of it myself... late, a double header in a new softball league at 3 this afternoon is on the schedule... and continued searching online (way too many hours have been put into this search already this week) for a room in atlanta (waited too long apparently because anything good that meets what we want in a good neighborhood under $150 a night is gone and i've spent way too much time searching and the grumps are definitelly ready to burst out and ruin someone's day so i am pausing from the search), but otherwise i hope to have nothing else to do but relax today... been eating a bit too much lately and approaching the 200 pound mark again sensing i'm not stopping this time... we'll have to have a serious heart to heart talk with my selves real soon if i wanna come back now, ya hear?... the priority you choose makes you who you are...

you don't have to die to live, you just need to remember you will to stop wasting time...

narf :)

someday my princess will come

until then i'll just laugh at the futility of my hopefulness lol lam... and glance up at the tv as i ramble on through the night and focus on the words during the commercials than then wanderer aimlessly (or so it seems) through the references in the storylines... everyone sees what they want to see, after all, just as everyone believes what they want to believe... and that is enough for some... did i mention it's not enough for me?... more, more, more, there's always more to know and that's what i'm here for... constant craving for learning more... what is the end of the universe? (and is there really a restaurant there?... what do they serve?... how many different flavors of chocolate?... is there a bill to pay?... what?)... what happens when the body dies? (does the mind go on somehow?... consciousness in ethereal form?... is there a bill to pay?... what?)... the fact is, there is no fact, only belief... believe what you will, that's the fact... and words are the most fun language can have, at least on their own... music makes them even more fun if you know how to use it... soulmates they are, words and music... sigh...

sometimes these entries will be (or are... were, even) such a sudden upload they were missed because the eyes gotta blink, ya know?... well, you know what you wanna know... except for the unknown, somewhere out there... and it can all be amazing fun with or without the one (but it's better with)...

narf :)

love it when stories cross

stephen king is a master at it, referencing one story into another as if the stories are real bits of history... like of course that makes sense when you accept the other story or stories as background... so yes, it really did happen again (not stephen, a past story reference), but this time it was not tied into the storyline so much as tied into the actor's career... sci-fi writers come full circle as linda hamilton says come with me if you want to live to nolan in defiance with almost the same mechanical stare that arnold made so famous in terminator... jackson doesn't get the reference, she never saw the terminator... she's not the sci-fi fan so much... so anyway, it's been a few days or more since i turned on the laptop as this has been another very busy week at work and some extra softball practices kept me out too and vegging seemed like the right thing to do each night when i got home before a reasonable bed time... skimped on sleep this week as well...

feel free to jump in here anytime...

narf :)

crazy mixed up world

what kind of crazy mixed up world has this become when heinz is selling mustard and french's is selling ketchup... it gets better when the ketchup bottle has a link to what they call heinz mustard... thank goodness that couldn't have happened to these guys... of course only in the us would such an offensive round of people expressing offense be such big news... open minded people just laugh... i can hardly wait until french's puts a link on their new ketchup product... and of course (condiments aside), not to give computer users a chance to catch their breath (or spend money on anything else), microsoft has a new product to force down everyone who isn't computer savvy enough to use another company's os as windows 10 (yes, not 9... i blame the beatles) is due for release this summer (welcome to the buggy nightmare, again) so everything else will be obsolete (again), and in this version, you are forced into automatic updates which means you are tethered to the internet if you want to use your computer, like it or not... still heading in the direction of chip implants in your brain that cannot be turned off, in case you refuse to see the natural progression of your world...

people believe what they want to believe and that is enough for most to make it real for them... declaring the belief makes it even more real for them... testify about the alien who abducted you or about your visions in your near death experience or your conversation with gods or angels or any belief you choose, it makes it more real for you and for others who choose to believe it with you, but it does not make it any more real or truth for those who don't share your belief and none of this makes anything right or wrong... who ya gonna call?...

narf :)

wtf is that?

what the title refers to is google choosing this when i enter "who wrote" into the search box... really?... they either assume they know most frequently asked who wrote question or their algorythms or computations simply show most who wrote questions are about religious books... it really is scary how much time (and money and energy and lives) people spend on religions... fear of death drives the mind to all sorts of delusions, perhaps... but then, who am i to know what is a dream and what is real and what is delusion... people believe what they want to believe and that is enough for most, i suppose... i've always wanted more... still do... so where is this more already, aye?... maybe that is the one's name...

can we laugh at the devil in the pale moonlight tonight?...

narf :)

dumb windows, smart money

once again a prolonged windows update has shut down the creative flow and paused the babbling blogging that we so love and the wmsrtx64 is still installing, or so the windows update window says... ridiculous, from a user's perspective...

anyway, i confirmed a rental car for the week in columbus ($382 for an suv, which was cheaper than a full size care) so four of six needs for the two trips are reserved and there is just hotel accomodations left to find and confirm... the two nights in knoxville don't concern me as much as the week in columbus due to costs... the 'host' hotels are generally $150 a night or more and i find they are not always worth it because we don't necessarily spend a whole lot of time there, especially on a two night stay... wednesday during practice i must speak with the reast of the team about accomodations for the week long series... sunday at practice i'll talk to the other team about the weekend, though if nobody wants to share i'll just stay in a place myself as i did the last weekend trip... i just don't have the time to take off extra days and don't want to spend the extra money like some of them do...

nice day off... seriously...

narf :)

sugar madness

so the past week or so i've piled on the sugar (when did i buy the frosting {or did i call it icing?} and cakes and cookies?... well, all gone now except for an unopened box of cookies that will hopefully remain closed for a month, at least, if not trashed... yes, the bloat has reached the 200 pound mark and i've got some 'splaining to do... well, not so much 'splaining, but definitely corrections... back to the lean protein and wean off the carbs... though there is plenty of easy pasta in the place, i must restrict carbs for a week or few, at least... the body is aching a bit from the increased exercise, though the exercise is minimal at the moment... that is another change that must come this week... last night in a steamy hot shower, the first in some time (not the first shower, the first steamy hot unrushed shower taken just for the heat and not just for cleaning the body) the answer came back again, the fact that i know the secrets of everything and i've simply stopped caring to actualize them so i present as an ordinary weak frail confused uncertain human... not good for my current chosen interactions, so maybe it is actually time for that change again...

sadly, i completely sabotaged myself with any medical tests i might take as the a1c level will be ridiculous as i undid six months of lowering it in the past week or two... the weight being at 200 again sabotages blood pressure and other things... dummy... suicidal dummy... but the taste buds and sugar zones in the brain are euphoric...

someone save my life tonight?...

narf :}

trees are falling

and nobody hears... yeah yeah yeah, trees are falling and nobody hears... trees are falling and nobody cares... fires are burning almost everywhere and trees are falling... and nobody cares... the world watched tv instead while the trees disappeared...

meanwhile, in the momentary existence loosley called this life... calling all techies (calling all techies) be on the lookout for the best tech out there and let me know... help me if you can i'm feeling down... well, not actually down, more like lonely and tired and old (did i say old?) and wanting to use modern tech to live longer and better and want to know what the techie insiders know about what is best to use for health and welfare and fun... and i ain't too proud to ask... sing along? :)

alas, i am feeling like that tree out here on the web with so little interaction and so little notice... i love you (j, z, and the rest of you who check in now and then) and wish you peace and hope a smile finds you or comes up from within today (there's always hope)... but to the whole wide world (and all ships at see... universes included) i ask, seriously, would you like to swing on a star?...

narf (with a sigh and a semi-sad smile)...

softball sunday returns (unexpectedly)

so the team who asked me to join them for the world series (because my team did not show up enough to practice enough to win enough to qualify this year) had a practice this morning and while i wanted more, it was a decent workout especially since the sun was baking the body and i was about to head home to do whatever (procrastinate some more or maybe clean a bit) when the old sunday afternoon team jackson and i started many years ago (offshooting from the work team, our first softball championship in orlando) texted and asked if i could pitche for them because their pitcher was not available and so i did... it was the playoffs and the team we played was good and the old team (which had mostly new players) gave the game away in the first inning when i got the first batter to fly out and struck out the second batter and then the third batter grounded a ball to short and the flood gates opened... six or seven errors later and the other team had seven runs... the next inning we didn't hit and the rest of the game was sadly given away by more errors...

personally, i did walk twice and score once and pitched really well... they had a lot of trouble hitting me, a lot of ground balls and easy fly balls (just one really good hit that scored two runs)... our defense just couldn't keep the ball in the gloves and there were so many errant throws i lost count... we could have (and should have) won that game, but we gave it away and the other team scored 17 runs and only two were on a clean hit... we scored 13 runs with the help of more than a dozen walks and we left bases loaded three times... unfortunately, the last out was bade by me by hitting into a double play with runners on first and second which really frustrated me... but that's life... and that's softball... and the body is aching... it was really good to see some old teammates...

softball follies, softball fun, la la la :)

just watching tv

anybody else finding the new colonel sanders kinda creepy?... maybe it's that cackling laugh... or maybe his trying to sell baseball as a game that never has any cheating... baseball aside though, he just comes off as a creep guy to me... definitely not someone i want to buy food from... sad really, but then, sadder for the chickens... meanwhile, the nba finals are grossly disappointing... mediocre play with a few highlights, but nothing compared to the nba when great players and great teams played basketball... the game today is more like hockey with flor checks and pushing and physical bullying all over the court... of course lebron has record breaking stats, he is the biggest heaviest strongest bully on the court... golden state shoots and leaves him under the basket to grab every rebound when they miss... he just pushes people out of the way at the offensive end in ways that used to be fouls when the game was a game and not a wrestling match... actually, it is more like shoulder-elbow-forearm boxing... golden state is either deliberately stretching the series by playing poorly or they are just sloppy careless team...

did anybody ever test lebron's blood for growth hormones or other drugs?... i don't think the nba cares about that, i mean, they'd alienate a large part of the audience if they did... they certainly don't pay attention to his pushing people around or his traveling, so why would they scrutinize their cash cow about other rules... in the end, whatever, this culture has seriously warped values when greatness is defined by physical ability and children are homeless on our streets because those heros are paod billions while 95% of the culture lives from paycheck to paycheck if not in poverty... most of our heros are probably decent people in life, but the way people masturbate their egos is a sign humans do not have healthy or logical priorities... of course i could be wrong... what do you think?...

this would probably be a meaningless complaint except i don't feel like complaining, i am lamenting the sad state of humanity, but not complaining, nope, just observing... and due to madness or relative acceptance, laughing as if everything will be alright someday and we'll all look back and laugh at the foolishness of humanity at this stage of development...

and a narf :)

later today

well, a day of good exercise and sunshine and fresh air but still ate a lot more calories than necessary today... i did go shopping for the canned chicken and other healthy low calories items... and renewing my membership to costco, i spent a lot more money than planned... i did some impulse shopping and picked up two luxury pillows and other stuff... batteries and a lunch box and food... yeah, more stuff... good stuff, useful stuff, stuff i need to sleep better and eat better and live better and hopefully, live longer because there is still stuff to do like find the one and fall in love and live in love and live happily ever after and cuz there's always hope, ya know?...

yeah, so this entry sums up the morning and the day and later today too which might confuse you if you are reading this with some expectation that the entries are in some sort of chronilogical order (well, they are in some sort of chronological order, just not the one usually expected in this ever so conforming culture, aye?), but there is a table of contents somewhere that might help with the indigestion and nausea that time distortion can bring if you can't adjust yourself to it... let go of the supposed-to-be and embrace the could-be for anything possible in cartoons...

or something like that...

narf :)

so much work to do at home

mostly because i don't want to do it, especially not by myself, so i procrastinate and ignore the clutter that piles up on other clutter and so on... i don't have enough shelves or drawers or closet space for all my stuff so some of the stuff remains in boxes (like boxes in the packed 20x50 foot storage locker just north of niagara falls and the coincidence of the abbott and costello bit has never been lost on me even if few make the connections), stuff just seems to accumulate because i do not throw out things easily because i do not want to add to the trach humans produce especially when the stuff is still useful to someone who had a used for the stuff and i don't have yard sales or donate to thrift stores because i want to share the stuff before i give it away... so i wait for someone to care to look through the stuff with me and more stuff accumulates... the world needs me and my stuff, after all, and it all must be recorded for posterity by my companion, like dr who, the historian who chronicles the journey through this life of the one known as me... yes, posterity will know and then, so will everyone... like all the iconic legends throughout history, i may be long gone when it happens, but someday everyone will be in precious grateful awe that i saved all the little things (and not just the collectors)... ego out...

perhaps this should have been titled message from ego lol (with a touch of self-mockery, naturally, of course)... of course ego just offers up yet another irreverent distraction to keep us from the truth, whatever that is... someday we'll all understand...

narf :)

fitness gadgets

fitness gadget nuts, lend me your ears... i want to buy one of these fitness tracking bands... it must have continuous heart rate and sleep monitors and i'd like it to be waterproof, have email alert, and at least silent alarm if not audio alarm as well... i am debating between the models that are sleek and light and do not do much run data tracking and the models that are more watch-like and track all sorts of running data (and then do any tell time and have multiple alarms or alerts?... or do we have to move up to the iwatch for something like that?)... i really would appreciate an honest reliable expert so if you know one, please connect me... i'll pay for the honest reliability of the information... finders fee too if you need the dollars... with work heading toward a seriously busy season (three manager positions will be vacant until i can fill them and i've already cut out three other manager positions and redistributed that work to the managers remaining, so monitoring this body is more imperative than every)...

oh where oh where has my partner gone, oh where oh where can she be?...

narf :)

wave back already

this one will be later but for now it is uploaded now... maybe this (or this, even) will remind me to listen to this one of these nights... at the moment, orphan black is on in the background and fatigue is rolling up on me fast... style points for catching more than a few references as i slide around somewhat randomly from thought stream to thought stream loosely threaded through various entries uploaded haphazardly as time goes by... some things are vital to do... some things are vital to get... some thing are vital to process... and some things just happen as they should... nobody actually said or suggested there was more than a professional relationship between hannah and her horse, right?... yeah, distraction is my only true friend...

and fantasy... imagination is my only true friend... so saturday night and i ain't got nobody once again, though the phone rang and i listened to a parent complain for two hours and then curly called and i listen to him catch up on his life for an hour or so... so much drama and assumption and dissatisfaction, alas, is that what happens when one does not have much to do in life (or when one becomes too single topic focused?... perhaps... what is missing from snl in recent years is variety, especially a variety of well thought out well carved characters, which is not good for a variety character driven show...

(this is a test of the reason for being out here broadcasting system)
narf :)

lazy saturday

no exercise after the web series, cooked up some onions, squash, beans, and franks or hot dogs for dinner and then the chocolate creams (milk and dark chocolate and buttermilk icing spread on chocolate chip cookies and chocolate covered twinkees) for dessert... softball practice at 10am tomorrow and then maybe i'll call the batting cages to see if they've reopened yet but i really must stop for the canned chickem and a few other things i've been using to cut the fat and carbs and lose the weight i want to lose... then maybe i will put the canned pasta and chocolate desserts on hold for a few weeks so i can drop another twenty pounds and get back to the doctor for the annual check up i've not had in a few or more years... there's a plan, now we shall see if i follow through on it tomorrow... monday i intend to head downtown for a couple of hours for a meeting and then take the rest of the day off (as much as i can take a day off... i took yesterday off and was on the phone or email about two hours... today i was on the phone or in email for four hours... it's just a way of life in my chosen position)... and still, it is one of my favorite things i love to do in this life...

if you don't know me by now you may never ever ever know me, oooooh, oooh oooh...

narf :)

staying alive

and this one too, remind me to watch, that is... yes, the thoughts are skipping around the head and the entries and there is a bit of bouncing off the walls, but more just super sighing and deep breathing and pushing the limits (will we take it to the limit one more time?... stay tuned and we'll find out) and general bloat... must increase exercise and body monitoring and focus and balance... must drop weight and eat even healthier (like cut out the binges and establish a new regine with new parameters of moderation that fit the current body years and lifestyle)... and a hair cut, i really need to schedule a hair cut (the heat is getting hotter and the time it takes to care for a lengthening mop top steals time from sleep and other fun)... and music, i must add more music to the mix and words, i must make time for the writing that literally keeps me hanging on... yeah, definitely a lot to do, a lot of changes that must start or return...

ah ah ah ah stayng alive (shame on me for that)...

narf :)

more distraction

following up on the importance of distraction and sexual fantasies emphasized in the previous entry, i am watching other space and my first reaction is influenced by the horrible streaming provided by the terrible service from brighthouse that i may attribute to this old laptop or kaspersky or spybot or something, but it still sucks and as i said that influences the viewing of the show... so my first reaction is poor quality and poor acting and mediocre script, so far... also, the non-stop pizza commercials are definitely not what i want to be watching... so i must be somewhat desperate for distraction to continue watching, but then, since it's just a short series, i might watch, even if it does force me to each pizza... or maybe i'll substitute hot dogs in an onion sauce... the streaming lag is so bad that it's like listening to a radio show while watching stills of the actors... i want to know what happens so i'll listen to the episodes while i cook some food...

unfortunately, the lag is getting worse and worse and the sound is starting to lag now so i may not be finding out what happens in the last episodes dangit... the same commercials over and over are really annoying, especially the pizza... episode 4 mocks reality shows... badly... hunger, a stiff neck, and the lag may be influencing this review... the commercials are definitely influencing this review negatively... eventually i went to cook dinner and missed a bit here and there, but eh, over-acted and playing to the audience rather than to each other, but it distracted me from life for a few hours...

the end was an old idea not done too cleanly, but semi-amusing anyway...

narf :)

ms distraction

because it's out there (i mean, we could say the universe or some god provides, but that's been done and there is enough of the same old in this world so pardon me whilst i offended the masses so subtly they don't even know they were offended unless they really try too hard, which can be so awkward in mixed company, which is an awkward phrase in itself), so speaking of awkward, milana and stevie (ms, get it?... wiki imdb) offered a wonderful distraction because i love their style and interaction and friendship and wish i could have sex with both of them at the same time because that would be the most awkward sex ever and there is a nerd deep inside of me who would so get off on that even if this mention is simply a distraction meant to be as awkward as they are (but i couldn't be that awkward, could i?) so yes, they need me to complete their act so we must have our people call each other and set it up so we can knock it down... i really don't know if i want to move to la though... can we meet somewhere else?... we could do our parts from where we are and edit them together, though that might make the sex less fun... more awkward though, so it might be a thing of genius... we should run a marathon together (did i just see four eyes roll?)... the title has so many potentially awkward meanings for intelligent viewers...

maybe we'll continue processing seriousness later...

narf :}

so what did you do today?

ten entries written in a few hours this morning (eight here) were just uploaded for your viewing pleasures... a short slow jog with walked, a bit more than a mile, and the body reminds me of how quickly stamina and strength fade when workouts are not happening daily... cleaned a bit, ate a relatively healthy lunch (low calorie), watched some tv, went shopping for some decadent desserts and yum yum yum in the past hour... soft chocolate chip cookies and chocolate covered twinkees augnmented by three types of frosting (buttercream, milk chocolate, and chocolate fudge)... bzzzffsztszzzzz... laundry and worked on the bedroom enough to clear the bed... the bedroom has been in disarray for a few months due to a number of factors... actually, it has been since october of last year come to think of it... early october... maybe even september... i did not want to talk about it (cuz the names are changed to protect the guilty too and respect privacies and respects and altruism and selflessness and the giving tree and lorax tree and family tree and the rest of the forests cuz we all need a little green now and then, remember? (kermit suddenly meets audrey for dinner, but who eats whom?... little shop of rainbows?... ribbit)... sigh and alas and all that jazz, ya know?) and so i almost didn't and when i did i did it so obscurely amidst distracting babble and in several different places that even i don't remember which date the whole world changed again, but it did and i haven't been sleeping in the bed since, in case i never mentioned that or made it clear and that is likely why i still have not processed the events or resettled the unrest still under the daily grind of work distractions that wake me to problem solve too often (so much stress when exercise goes away and questions go unanswered and the serious discussion required for resolution of betrayal of trust is avoided and ignored and la la la, we are certainly obscuring this entry in volume and peanuts and gravy... if i wasn't so bloated i'd head to the buffet... stop the bloat this week, dammit, or just roll over and die already, m'ok?... {and as i typed m'ok? and closed that parenthetic aside the text message arrived that said group dinner at buca soon, you in? so having foodie friends does not help the weight loss program i am supposed to be re-starting which leads me to laugh as i think that the universe is so very good at providing the sardonic laughter of ever so appropriate dischotomous distractions right on time... no wonder most people think there is a power controlling every little thing in our lives... maybe it's not just the incessant egocentrism of the human mind after all, aye?... laughter is such good medicine and there must be some way out of this parentheses {and i promise i did not consider the deeper reference of the song before i referenced the lyric there must be some way out of here but oh there is a shiver and a shake and a cathartic laugh from deep within the tears that approaches oh wow}, not to mention the unprocessed trauma (what watchtower?} i may have started to mention {process, really?} somewhere in this massive missive loosely called a paragraph before this rapidly approaching classic or even epic level parenthetic aside took over)... so where were we?...

i think it may be time for the next entry to begin (a lily moment, no doubt)...

narf :)

the writing excites me

call it meaningless babble or profound personal catharsis or mediocre meandering through a myriad of literary styling for no apparent reason or anything you'd like (but if you'de like to call it, yay for attention, aye?), but the writing excites me and even when there is no one reading and even if nobody cares, there is much pleasure and reward for me personally in the pouring of words out of the brain and into the computers and ultimately on to this world wide web... and that makes it worth my time, no matter what may come of it beyond me... . . . enough to put on the running shoes and head out for a weak walking slight jog... yes, i put on more than running shoes, i did not go out there naked, though i have gone for naked runs in the past down in the boone docks of loughman where i use to live once upon a time... naked and barefoot runs are quite liberating, though the feet need to work their way up to those... once i was in really excellent physical condition, actually, dawn might remember... and the friends from lake buena vista as well... early nineties memories are very fit and luxuriously extravagant... sigh and all...

so four laps around the smaller loop of this community and i am sad at the state of the muscles of the legs and the state of the stamnia in the lungs... sure, i should expect atrophy since i have not run distances (running around the bases doesn't count as running to a runner) in more than a year and there is this blood pressure pill killing my muscle stamina and other aspects of the athlete i once was, but the layoff hurts a lot and there is no way to really know how much of this set-back is the lay-off and how much is the medication and how much is simply aging... crap, aging is crap... it's not all in the mind anymore... thunder rumbles outside and grumbles rumble inside and still, somehow, the light of excitement about writing and the hope of connecting and reconnecting with friends continues to shine through the bummer of the body condition... sometimes the spirit amazes me... the body doesn't always like the mind (and vice versa... i believe j get that)...

narf :)

the many lives of candoor

yes, there have been a few online incarnations of the writer known as candoor (there is even a gmail address by that name which coincidentally arrives in my email box when i check it, which is not as often as those writing to the address would like, but that's life) over the years from early diaryland days (actually, mostly nights) to the long ago blogspot days (again, mostly nights) to many other places where candoor was known (as opposed to candor, which is my name, by the way, though many others on the internet usurped it before i decided to use it out here (back when the internet was the wild wild west using an actual name was frowned upon, which is why sharetruth, childinside, anonanonanon, sysquash, newsbee, webbot, bugs, and several other monikers were born, or created, depending on perspective)... just imagine if i took time to link all of those, each being a web world all it's own and just a part of the sprawling written gardens once so lovingly planted and nurtured over the years...

all this to say, or re-introduce, the original candoor place because, for whetever reason there may be found or created in the head or by posterity, there is a relatively sudden resurregeance of life as in words popping up there and while stealing words from here to seed the renewed diaryland babbling might seem like (and even be) cheating for the purists out there, all creativity is interwoven somehow and i defy anyone to show me a truly unattached, unconnected, unreferenceable new original idea even if i don't offer a mllion dollar reward for it... alas, the diaryland world is full of wonderful people, but the features are not to my likely and as i upload and edit i am remembering why i left... the text entry box is so small and the feature to expand it doesn't work, so many things in the way of just babbling over there...

still, it's been a wonderfully fun journey that is excitedly restimulated in part due to the rediscovery of the original gardens via the way back machine and there is even more hope than ever that the journey will continue and even more of me and you and the sentient beings of the universe will find their way to enjoying the babbling somehow, someday, somewhere...

narf! :)

so much narf :)

yes, the amusement of the moments of carefree word play are certainly good for the brain in the head in the body i inhabit, even if pinky's word play always got on the brain's nerves in the classic cartoon offshoot of the most intelligent cartoon every developed for mass audiences (i'll leave you to figure out which one that is one your own, i mean, if you follow any of this and have any interest or care at all, with only the clue that my facebook namesake was a clever second place... so many references you can find if you really wanna)... while work just doesn't give me even a few hours of "being off" i am enjoying some time at home and doing my best to resist logging on and only responded to a couple of emails and texts so far (the phone never sleeps)... aside from the chronic work interruptions, there has been much amusement in the past couple of hours since waking on this day out of the office... if you only knew the myriad of connections in the brain in the head of this body i inhabit, you'd bee rolling on the floor laughing in the brain in the head in the body you inhabit too...

anybody wanna join me for a run?... or in the gym?... or in the pool?... or anywhere?... i don't mean i am falling apart (though come to think of it) or any other joining (i'm not a club, after all, but you can follow if you like), i mean spend time doing something active with me (sex is optional, but a very flexible body and sense of humor is kind of mandatory unless you just want to be a loving audience which is ok as long as you don't mind me nudging you to work your body for your own sanity and healthy and fun too, m'ok?)... there really is so much fun to be had on a day off, all we need to do is begin... and narf is just the beginning, after all lol lam laa...

narf :)

what did you think i would do at this moment?

being an unnaturally born chameleon, what would you expect if fame and fortune ever did find these oddly shaped entries in this sprawling garden of words all over the internet (did i mention that i recently found a way back to the old world?... quite the excitement ensued and still does, in spite of the low energy) after all?... did you think i would crumble under the pressure?... succumb to the mold of desperate attention seeking to maintain a modicum of the momentary celebrity? (what?... i don't do enough attention seeking as a way of life as it is?... i mean, why should i stop the fun of self-mockery just because everybody else finally joined in, i mean, be logical for a moment if you dare... i know, i ask a lot)... give me anything, but promise me your heart... cuz that is where the real really starts... (e)thereal always knew...

so this is what happens when i take a day off (or try to) and sleep until ten (almost, with wake-up breaks through the night) in the recliner, whatever this is... is anobody out there?... well don't just nod, i can't see you after all... yes, what happens is a renewed desire to share and a devil-may-care way of reaching out for attention from the comfort of the brain where word play is therapy and fun all rolled into one... digesting years of stress and turmoil and clutter and disarry that comes from rushing through life taking care of others is not an easy thing to do in a couple of hours, after all...

narf :)

ain't no politics here

not if i can help it... it's not that i don't have strong feelings about the stupidity of one social control freak (politicians must have some control freak in them, i mean, either that, or a large dose of egomania cuz altruism and greed are not compatible and i don't see too many politicians choosing to give back all the money and perks) out there in the world, i just don't see any point in empowering those in power with any more attention or energy than they already have... the system is way too screwed up (as in detached from it's cause due to mismanagement and lack of effective communication which fosters special interests and selective hearing and minimal actual caring or awareness which the benefits the greedist control freaks who tend to rise to the top in such a dysfunctional system) or rigged, even, for any real change to happen through normal channels, so i simply voice my opinions in the obscurity of these words as if this in one more marker in the vast field of blogs of the unknown soldiers that exists whether anyone cares or understands or not...

mostly not, i suppose...

narf :}

just because no one is here

does that mean i can get away with anything?... like can i post child porn when nobody is paying attention?... not that i am interested in posting child porn, but from a theoretical perspective, if the child porn is posted on a tree in the forrest and nobody sees it, yeah, well you might be clever enough to get the gist of the question and see it has nothing to do with child porn, child porn are just two words representing the anything i was asking about and were likely chosen for the shock value and attention seeking nature of this entry, i mean, this is a question seeking an answer and all questions are attention seeking, after all... some more than others... no offense to the children out there, after all, i was a children once... and as many will freely attest, i still am quite the child most of the time... but what's the real different between childish and child-like?... some semantic cleaning up of a dichotomous similarity or just the human tendency to form opposing camps and be snobbish?... or perhaps the love of being offended so many humans exhibit in their natural habitat... there are answers out there (and truth), i know it... could be i simply have not found the right bait...

if i am the only one amused by the play on words i play on here in this seemingly never ending blog of babble and brevity (brief babble, what a concept... so what dreams came?, robin?... there's a future t-shirt when i have too much time and money on my hands... perhaps in another life) then at least there is one of us laughing all the way home...

narf :)

wanna have more fun

does being constipated always mean you are full of shit?... yes, words do have multiple meanings and they, words, that is, can be more fun than a barrel of monkey (and just how much fun is a barrel of monkeys, anyway, really?... and did people really put monkeys in barrels to have fun once upon a time?... whatever for?... i mean, just to have fun or was there another purpose for putting monkeys in a barrel?... i suppose there is some weird truth to putting fish in a barrel for the poor marksmen with low self-esteem out there, but monkeys?... people in a barrel i've seen, pickles for sure, but monkeys?... who remembers emily littela?... where are all the brilliant writers these days?... anyone?... hello?... bueller?... maybe they all moved to facebook, which brings me to the whole social media phenomenon and the dichotomy of increased loneliness in spite of the increased connectivity in this instant information age... personalizing for a moment or few, it sucks...

like why do i have more than a thousand facebook friends listed on the frieds page and when something is posted to my wall (others do most of the postings on my wall), i might get one like if even that as if my wall does not even exist... could it be the lack of my real name or image in my profile?... i provide my telephone number, so how much more real and open to inquiry can i get?... i post a dozen links to my web world where i pour myself out without inhibition, so how much more open to scrutiny can i get?... perhaps people are just not interested in me or what i have to offer... worthlessness is not an easy reality to accept, alas, but the reality i experience is that what i have to offer, what i share, the being i am is simply not worth the time of other beings in this world... must be some sort of odor or aura i present that repels the mature human species... i mean, animals and children generally approach freely... insects certainly like me... so when i am asked by those who want to use facebook as a means of communication why i do not like facebook, i should simply be blunt and say because nobody likes me on facebook which is depressing and i don't want to go anywhere that is depressing... maybe what mayes sense to me doesn't make sense to others...

like narf :)

wanna have fun

but the energy level is so low (and the bloat factor is high cuz i've eaten way too much pasta this week... fatigue breaks down discipline and will power and increases impulsive hunger, in case you did not know) so low so low (and being solo so long {solo so much so long, even} doesn't help as the variaety of inspirations from within care become tiring after thousands of years, in case you were not aware of the facts of life) so low so low (are you paying attention and if you are, are you following any of this?... do you follow a lot?... am i writing these words to you?... how would you know?... are you curious to know?... why don't you ask?... are you so low so low too?... am i talking to myself... do you want to play a game?... how about ruzzle?... how many colors are in your world?) so low so low that there seems to not even be enough energy to really sleep deep (or is that the lack of space?... too much clutter?... i need a clutter nazi, whatever that means... if i knock on your door and ask nocely, will you come out to play?... do all these words amuse you or do all these words drive you away?... where is away, anyway?)...

before we narf, i will remind you that serious, even profound words have flowed through this internet so don't let an entry like this one deter you from your appointed path, whever it is you are going... when last seen, i was headed in a circular direction... and i don't mean spinning around the world in 24 hours like everybody else on this planet, speedy group, we life forms, no doubt, but rather i mean something less apt to explanation through modern physics or any other science, no less words... somehow, the motivation and energy for exercise is rapidly becoming a dire need in this physical life if i want this physical life to continue (and perhaps that is the question, to be or not to be, in case you had not figured that out by now)... please please me like i please you... perhaps i don't please anybody... what if, aye?... that would explain a lot...

narf :)

tried to sleep

so i left work early to get some rest and as i am about to eat, the phone rang... and then, after i ate, i fell asleep and the phone rang... awake again, naturally... and hours later, i shopped around for flights to knoxville and columbus and bought round trip tickets to both places so i have transportation set for the tournament in knoxville in july and the world series in columbus in august... i didn't reserve a rental car yet because i want to talk to the team about whether anyone is riding with me... if not, i can get an economy car and save money on the car and on gas... and then there's the hotel, but there too i'll talk to the respective teams i am going with to see what their plans are... the frustrating thing is they usually wait until the last minute and therein spend more and wind up piling six people into a room with two double beds and that just does not work for me because i want to rest between the long days of multiple games and there is little rest sleeping in those crowds... wish jackson could come along but she's working three jobs and just used her vacation time to head up to maine this week, so i'm on my own again with the teams... they are fun and the tournaments are great fun, i just don't have a close friend to partner with on the trips which makes the room arrangements and travel less fun...

so here i am after midnight again and wide awake... there is still much excitement about finding the older online written gardens (so much so, aye, i mean, just look at that link length) and the profound continues between the lines about every other (or third) entry if you know what i mean (and can read between the lines... i mean, you don't have to be a genius, but it helps... jabberwonk wonk nyuk nyuk lol lam laa)... if you only had the time, you'l know it all... if i could only remember, so would i... time time time, it's telling us a story, alas... it's all just waiting for you...

did you get any of that?...

narf :)

could it be? (blast from the past)

one of the first web pages i ever uploaded that was updated for almost ten years before att deleted it seems to have been resurrected by the way back machine (bless you web archive, whomever you are) which means it is possible that the original main website and the original crossroads (table of contents) and all the pages linked to it (or some, at least) just might be available after years of being lost... you can even come in through the window again (like friends do when we're young) and maybe, just maybe, find the original journal and heartbeats and the original kit pages and the goo (and the thousands of pages once thought lost omg omg omg) back to the '90s (oh, those were challenging times and i was so very young and naive and hopeful and stupid, alas)... and what's this?... there is a 1997 introduction, one of the first on the web for me... tears of joy would fall if i was not so deeply tired...

ok, i really should try to sleep (and you really should check out the previous entry and the links at the end of it too cuz all this joy needs some sort of balance after all and you love me... or maybe you are just a curious soul)...

narf :)

no music for you

alas, Internet Explorer 9 users (those poor souls still stuck in Windows Vista... like me) will not be able to play any of the music i occasionally add to my blog posts which is very sad as the music expands and enhances the message and the experience of reading my writing (even if you don't take it seriously... maybe especially if you don't take it seriousy lol) cuz IE9 does not support the audio tag... seems like it used to, but maybe not... the audio tag works fine in Google Chrome and Mozilla Firefox, so use one of those for the best experience reading my blogs... unfortunately, blogger controls don't work as well in either so i use IE to upload blog posts... go figure, Google's browser does not work well with Google's blog site... why do humans seem to like the confusion of a babylon based sommunication system?... yeah, rhetorical, but feel free to discuss...

meanwhile, in life, i got home early, ate, napped, woke and started thinking (stressing?... some... three counselings, one suspension, and one elimination of a manager's position to do tomorrow... the last is tough as it is a demotion and leaves a whole lot of work for me to do until i hire two new managers which could take all summer) about work issues, and now i am awake again... i did get two loads of laundry sort of done... the sort of refers to the fact that i leave the clothes in the washer or the dryer (or both) too long and there are more wrinkles than i'd like (and i don't iron cuz i don't want to spend time ironing cuz i have so little time for me or sleep these days) and the dress pants need to get to the cleaners (some cuz they are dry clean only and others cuz they just need a new crease burned into them so yeah, stressed) and lonely too cuz nobody shares or knows the life i live and there's nobody to talk to (alone) like myself, but more tired than anything else (and this came out tonight too so it's not all blah as i tried to say somewhere as i tried to encourage you to read the last three entries and then some and others linked in the past ten days of entries and then some in a previous entry) and hopefully i will get some sleep in a little while...

i've always liked what's come out of mike scott's head...

narf :)