losing and less eating

maybe... alas, after striking out two people in the first inning the other team racked up 17 runs on some good hitting, some errors, and some really lucky field conditions that stopped ground balls in their tracks... we came back with 13 runs but the team i was substituting for tonight was not hitting well and while i went 4 for 4 with a double, four rbi and three runs scored, it was all for a losing cause... can't win them all, and all that... tired, i ate cold pizza and chocolate milk and ought to go to sleep (i haven't seen bed in months, alas), but the women's college basketball tournament has a little of my attention so i may be up a while... and now that i am here, i may even let my mind wander where it will go cuz i've been feeling like i'm fixing to fix that hole again for a few days now, or longer, even... a wise man once said, "The universe rolls on it's own; why get out and push?" and in an unrelated quote when someone asked what is wrong, i once said, it is not so much what we do that is wrong, but what we do not do that allows something to go wrong...

so much for filling in for my friend's monday night team... tomorrow night i am filling in for another friend's tuesday night team... hopefully i shall hit even better and pitch even better and the team will play even better (especially on defence) and we shall get back to our winning and eating ways... it was good to eat less tonight... now if i only sleep more tonight, life might return to some semblance of healthy balance... unlike that character in the next entry with blisters on his fingers (while his guitar gently weeped... or wept, in fact... get it?)...

narf :)

more winning and eating

and more ncaa basketball, mens and womens... way more tired than i ought to be, which would be concerning if i wasn't still sleeping on the way-too-soft couch that has the back hurting and woke me a few times last night... so i was achy and stiff and cranky and the team did their usual give-away as we were down 11-6 going into the last inning, but we were able to come back to tie 11-11 and we went into extra innings... the errors continued as we gave up a run we shouldn't have given up... we then scored a run to tie again and poor base running prevented us from winning in that inning... up comes the ninth inning and we give away two more runs on errors... with a little luck, like three walks, we scored three in the bottom of the ninth and won 16-15... if they kept track of earned runs i maybe gave up one, but the stats they post do not calculate earned runs so once again it looks like i pitched poorly, which is frustrating since they post those stats on facebook... all i can do is ignore the team page and ignore the questions people send to me... at least the team page is private, but there's no motivation for me to go be part of that page cuz the report/stats just brings me down...

winning isn't everything...

we went to the host bar afterwards to eat... graffiti junktion in thornton park which usually has pretty good burgers so i got one... they were out of onion rings... unfortunately the burger was overcooked but i was too hungry to send it back cuz it took forever to come out and i had not eaten all day and was feeling a serious sugar low so i ate it with a whole lot of ketchup and yeah, the body is telling me i had too much salt... surviving for now, with a nyuk nyuk here and a sigh over there... jackson posted pictures on facebook, in case you are curious for visuals...

there is no perfection, but we had fun...

random, no doubt

i really think everyone should buy some of these (and for no apparent reason i want to remember to check out Extant om the tv pm july 9th, just cuz it's caught my attention for a few reasons i might remember some other time)... commercials that inspire a resounding WTF!? now has another oddball addition with the semi-french framily with a daddy who just happens to be a hamster in a ball with a strong accent introducing new words to the language, yeah, wtf... random, no doubt...

really, no doubt...

narf :)

winning and eating

and some ncaa basketball... that's my night, how about yours?... jackson is over at her new crush's place and probably staying the night... we are still such teenagers inside, but that's why we get along so well most of the time... even better when we let out little kid drive the wagon... but anyway, it's me and the kids here and next to me sits a can of dark chocolate covered cashews and a can of honey roasted cashews and a pint of ben and jerry's half baked and a jar of hershey's chocolate spread and a big bottle of mountain dew that washed down dinner which was eggplant parm with yummy bread and butter and watching louisville let kentucky come back into the game after they had them on the ropes early and the fresh air coming in through the open patio (in spite of the damage the construction people did that allows insects in), so yummy night and softball fun earlier winning 25-12...

so a long work week ends with a fun yummy night relaxing at home (some of the team went out to a place i don't like and i was tired anyway, nodding off before the game, so i came home and yummed and the relaxing is exactly what i want (and the body needs) as you might notice from the lack of creative play in this weak babbling, happy, but weak, ya know? :)

make your night happy too...

narf :)

fat thinking

that is where my mind has been, that is what my mind is doing, that is what is killing me... and the moment i sit down to type here comes curious to rub for attention... she is pushing her limits and jumping up in spots that force her to try to step across the keyboard and she gets quite huffy when i block her path and she jumps down acting like she didn't mean to hop up on the couch (if cats don't have egos they sure do act like they do) and nonchalantly strolls away, but offers a wonderfully effective distraction from whatever this entry was going to be about, ya know?... cha... badaboom babdabah... chiga chiga chiga chee...

what i mean is, i just ate a whole pack of $1 franks, that's a package of eight hot dogs that cost $1... can't be much meat or anything healthy in that, no doubt... and beans... had a very extremely rare craving for franks and beans... been a few years, i think (the blog might tell if you want to search)... and with two 100 calorie sandwich thins (cuz ate least i can cut back a bit on bread calories?... stop looking at me as if i am not making any sense, there is a method to my madness, surely there is... and no need to call out surely, or old puns, for that matter... just move along, nothing to see here...

except the fat thinking, calling that out for sure...

narf...

tournament time (the madness)

yes, my perfect bracket continues (what?)... wichita state was not getting past several of the teams and would have likely not made the final four, but their bracket was unfair to them and to kentucky and louisville and i am not a fan of any of those schools... anyway, i don't see any of the #1s in the final four this year, though florida does have the easiest path as usual... they, like the miami heat, are helped along so much by their corporate masters it reduces the fun (and fairness) of the game... pros too... i mean, did you see the cry-baby miami heat superstars complaining because the refs did not give them the win against indiana... the refs tried, but they just were not good enough that night in spite of the refs help... they would never have won the two chamtionships without the refs help, but that's another story of injustice and corporate american greed... anyway, tonight the ncaa tournament, aka march madness, returns to the tv... i'll leave the visual on but listen to music, or the night, cuz either is more entertaining and enjoyable than sports announcers... especially biased announcers...

so if you must know what happens later, wisconsin should have little trouble knocking off baylor... baylor will be lucky to score 50 and it could be an embarrassingly low score... and dayton should beat stanford, though that could be a lot closer, depending on whether the stanford big man can keep his cool... kentucky-louisville?... i say kentucky has a shot, they should have beaten florida in their championship game but got too much one-on-one lebron style on the last play and florida is a referee favorite... because of that i see louisville moving on, unless the referees allow kentucky to beat up and get away with bullying louisville, in which case i see kentucky moving on... in the end, louisville has a weakness at the free throw line and that just may be their undoing, even if they play well everywhere else... and michigan state should take down another #1 by beating virginia... still, so much in basketball depend on whether the refs let the players play and whether the refs have a bias because ref bias is rampant in basketball...

i may have mentioned that...

anyway, moving right along (and more ambivalent all the time), arizona-san diego state should be a good game but i don't know if sd state can keep up with arizona for the whole game... it could be the closest game of the night... florida is one of the better teams in this year of relatively poor quality college basketball and i doubt ucla can take them down, but florida is overrated... what they have is stamina, a great coach and a very easy bracket... in fact, the midwest bracket makes all the other brackets look easy and unbalanced... it's not the best year for college basketball... other games tomorrow don't matter much, no offense to the schools or fans, but that's life...

sadly, the poor officiating dominates the basketball experience in the nba, not as much in college cuz there is not as much money involved... we live in a quite corrupted culture, in case you didn't know...

you enjoying your bracket? (what?... you didn't fill one out?... join the club :)

technotrauma

hey, i was going somewhere with this last night when i got too tired to continue, but wtf, we are not all always heroes... or cheerleaders, for that matter... anyway, while some, perhaps many, especially many of a certain generation, may have technoctrauma at the drop of a hat, or a remote, or just thinking about using a computer, my particular little technotrauma tonight was that the laptop would not boot up and i feared i had a boot drive failure, but it may have been confusion as the phone was connected (could the phone bios confuse the laptop bios?) or maybe the battery failure did it (but then it booted up after i unplugged the phone and the laptop, though it only had 42 minutes on a full charge so the battery is sucking it's last gasps, or at least showing serious signs of age) or maybe it was something else (ask george r r martin, naturally)...

it was a decently reasonably good day... i am too tired to catch up any more...

till tomorrow...

narf :)

nothing happening

all that drama and emo and human stuff poured into words has be quite exhausted... taking the human experience and co-dependency seriously really perks up the conflicts and that ought to expand my readership right?... shhhh, it's real, really it is... i don't just get into intensive emo care just to please human readers, really i don't... what?... look, a squirrel...

i am craving sugar water now... so thirsty... just iced water, m'ok?...

oh, the drama...

narf :)

maybe i should play the lottery

i deserve to win, after all... i've been giving everything i have away my entire life and don't deserve to die alone in some home with strangers wiping my ass... so much for the pleasantries of justifying spending some dollars every week on a million to one shot... can you believe that you really are reading this?... i mean, right?...

i would be so fearfully depressed if i did not have my warped sense of humor...

alas, and all that jazz...

narf! :}

and the bad news is

the good news is jackson may have finally heard me cuz she sat down and wrote down some of her bills... there are several key components messing, like animals expenses and gas/toll/car expenses and food expenses and living/fun/recreational expenses and well, a lot of money not factored into her monthly nut... unfortunately, even with all that not in the monthly budget, she will have trouble earning enough to pay rent... i see why she has to borrow so often and seldom pays rent... so until she can earn more, the issue is impulse spending... and she is still not ready, as far as i can tell, to stop that... she just signed up for $180 a month for a personal trainer at LA Fitness... that is in addition to the $30 for the gym membership... her impulse spending is wiping out my savings... even if she went to the extreme of giving me her checks and living on a small weekly allowance (which she may not be able to handle emotionally because she is so addicted to impulse spending), stretching her income to pay all of her bills would be tough... I pay rent and utilities and cable and wisely do not spend $180 a month on a personal trainer... and she wants a relationship that will increase her spending a lot which is why she needed to borrow every month last year when she was in a relationship...

so the reality is... i am screwed... i should have never bought a new car... alas, who will be there to take care of me when i am too old to work but still alive cuz i will not have the retirement savings i might have had... alas...

and narf too...

distraction, please

haley, hook, renn... the trilogy of anti-christs who really thought they believed in god, or perhaps they knew not what they did, or thought, for that matter... numbers do that to people, wahe them up no matter how deluded they are... so hook's law of elasticity is possibly trumped by newton's laws of motion... maybe galileo knew... or kermit the frog, for that matter...

the distractions are out there... you just need to be open to them...

narf :)

is the end near again?

so here we are, dear friends far away, dear internet fan club, dear screaming millions, and anyone else who cares now or ever... the people closest to me in life don't, as usual, but i will continue doing what i do (helping and hoping enlightenment and awareness finds them before i die)... and the title refers to this blog which may be reaching for some sort of pausality, or end, that is... not that blogs ever really end, but as we've seen with previous blogs there does come a time when the life experiences or subject matter or something takes the blog to a new place that asks for a new blog... perhaps the exposure of the personal conflicts and potentially embarrassing details at home might be that thing... sometimes the new beginnings are a renewed attempt to wash something (or someone) out of my hair and send myself on a more positive path after the human interference muddies the waters too much, or something like that... yes, this is (e)thereal, but are we getting too real, too personal, too uncreatively unfun?...

the purpose of writing for me is manyfold... and there are many dozens of blogs and hundred of books before the internet, each with a specific rhyme or reason, a purpose for being started and few, if any, ever concluded... this (e)thereal blog is the most recent of the dailies, those blogs that simply exist so i have a place to come to write when words bubble out of the brain, and with each incarnation of these dailies, the closer we have come to the actual daily life lived offline... and with each incarnation, the rambling babbling nonsensical fun of free association was reduced, kind of like a shrunken head, perhaps, or a dryer sheet after too many uses... metaphors aside, the real life lived offline slowly found it's way through the layers of respect for privacy and fear of rejection and concerns about judgments and damage to relationships or opportunities offline... and this past week, or weekend, even, these daily life blogs have crossed into the personal as much as ever i think (as if i recall every entry, right?)... and that brings me to wonder if it is time to start again on a new level of openness and sharing...

and once again, i wonder who will notice... and who will follow... and whatever... and narf, don't forget the narf...

narf :)

on my own again, as always

there have been those rare occasions when i almost felt like i was genuinely trusting someone who could be trusted and maybe once that was true and yet, here we are again... there is no more trust here, no more belief that she wants to change enough to do it, just the glaringly cold realization that she is a spending addict and will not face it unless i find a way to force her to and her defense is to hurt herself, so i've got to perform this psychological surgery with great care... someday she may read these entries i wrote this weekend and i can only hope she has changed when she does... but i've got to make it real for me now, there is no more denying or hiding it... cuz if i keep pretending she will changed willingly i will continue down this rabbit hole... and if i keep pretending i can wait, i will do more damage than good to both of us... must reduce the enabling without pressing the wrong buttons...

and most of all, i must stop going in circles...

so it's done...

let down again

and the promise is broken again... jackson decided to fill in for another team and didn't get home until just a little while ago and she chose not to wake me and she's gone to bed... so much for we will definitely deal with the budget issues today, which she said yesterday... and so much for we will definitely deal with it tonight, which she said earlier today... she woke me to ask if i wanted to go watch her play softball, but not to deal with the finances so it is unavoidably obvious now... she is using me, no doubt now... and now, i've got to figure out what to do about it...

fucking people suck... even the ones i adopt...

narf.

so is it soul yet?

somehow the fingers re-interpreted the intended title for this entry (or perhaps you will believe it was a god-like intervention... robert klein music not required) which was, in my mind at least (and at the conclusion of the previous entry which is one of a series of entries all babbled out in one sitting, probably), so is it soup yet?... layers of emphasis intended, no doubt...

someday we'll all understand...

a little hungry

so my choices are no fun to look at... go into complete shut down self-sacrifice mode or take a huge loss and trade in the car and start over or cuz out cable, phone assistance i give to others, driving anywhere that isn't a necessity, and going into a modified shut-down self-sacrifice budget freeze mode... life's choices are so un-fun sometimes, ya know?...

meanwhile, i am a little hungry... that is a sign of life, which is better than total shut-down... so i am not quite yet ready to roll over and die... partly cuz i've got people depending on me in so many ways including literally for survival and for at least a couple, i don't see anyone else ready to step in if i am suddenly gone... save the cheerleader, save the world... you might not get that and/or you might not get it precisely as i mean it in my particular peculiar personal life, but it's still true...

gonna heat up some wonton soup and sit back and watch some ncaa tournament after i browse the web to see what i might be able to do with the car... previous entries might fill in the blanks, if they remain out there in public... telling secrets is a delicate balance... telling mine is fun, but sometimes telling mine means also telling (or at least alluding to) some of the secrets of others and that is not fun at all unless the others are a lot like me and i've never actually met anyone who is a lot like me so... where's that soup?...

narf (hey, there was almost a smiley face after this one, so lighten up, will ya?)...

and then there is acceptance

must vent some of my frustrations (yes again, it's how i maintain peace and happiness in the real life in the mind and body and experience... everybody should have one)... yesterday jackson's response to my considering taking a $7-10,000 dollar loss by trading in the new car for a car that will have minimal or no payments was the usual (not good, not productive, and definitely challenging), but we worked through the walls around her taking money seriously and she said we would finally have the money talk today cuz we had nothing but softball... she had other plans all day and evening yesterday... and all last week... and the past few years whenever i bring up the fact that she seldom pays any bills and most months i am giving her money... but she said we would have all day today after our morning softball and she said she understood the importance...

and then this morning on the way (in the car) to our double header she tells me she is playing with the afternoon team this afternoon and after getting home from the double header she went to the gym (which is good, but still avoidance), so she is blowing off the money talk yet again... she said on her way out that we can do it tonight but she's not going to like my answer if she even brings it up later because my answer will be that we can talk after she is all caught up on her work if she really wants to set herself up for failure by trying to do what she has avoided so long after a long day when she's way too tired... she is not going to use me to undermine her keeping her job and she is risking losing it by not getting her work done each week... first priority is keep the job because at least that pays some of her bills, with my help... without the job, what's the point of a money talk... she will like be quite upset and not be able to focus on work and go to sleep early and continue the pattern that has been consistently undermining her work and draining my savings and remains a wall between us and here i am venting about it right here in this public place because i've reach that point where privacy does not matter anymore... it's doubtful anyone who knows us in the physical world where we live will read this anyway as nobody really wants to know each other in real life as far as i've found... hiding it does not help me get the venting required for balance...

so as i mentioned in the previous entry, softball did not go well for me today... telling me she had forgotten about her commitment to spend today addressing a budget that would stop her from askinging me for money every month on the way to our double header shut me down... i didn't want to be at the field... i didn't say a word... i hit like crap (2 for 6 with a walk) destroying my best hitting season (4 outs today was more than i had gotten all season) bringing my average down from .800 to .667... big shit (reality check), the numbers are fun but softball and stats are meaningless compared to my bleeding money every month...

accepting reality is not always easy... reality is that i will work myself to death at this rate when i could have been retired if i had not given so many hundreds of thousands away in this lifetime (and at least many tens of thousands in the past few years to jackson)... and i must accept that it is time to stop ignoring it... it is time to accept that she makes her choices and sets her priorities and i must wean her off my wallet... i will do what i need to do to survive... and i will offer her my hand and help, but i must not let the bleeding continue... i made a big mistake trusting her to come through with some rent money each month this year and buying a new car based on that trust... it sucks to write this... it sucks to accept this... it sucks to experience this... but in reality, the worst reality is better than a self-destructive illusion... i've got to take care of me or she will not have anybody to bail her out and that, coming too suddenly, would be a whole lot worse for her than being poor...

some things i will not write here...

narf...

same old sunday softball

alas, we almost pulled off the surprise victory, but we will rarely beat a decent team because we do not have the fundamentals of catch and throw in our toolbag and good teams will beat us on our errors and sluggish play... so they scored 14 runs and the online recap that software the coach uses will point at me and even the scorebood he keeps will not show half of the errors, but i know they should not have scored more than four or five runs... we were playing for first place because we were tied for first place... we simply gave away too many runs on easy ground balls that should have been easy outs (or double plays after the first error let a runner get on) and on very slow outfielders who do not have the fundamentals of cutting a ball off and any ball that gets by them is a home run and some get by them between their legs, yes, in the outfield... i've just got to vent about it because it's been years and there is no improvement, no practicing the fundamentals, no getting the ball in fast and back to the pitcher fast...

what bugs me the most is how cocky they are... today they were mocking the team playing before us while standing right next to the dugout and the other team's coach called them out and said you could mock us further away so you don't bring us down... that team will not be rooting for our opponent at every game and the word will spread... egos way too big for their skill level... and so we beat the really bad teams, play close with the better teams, and get beaten badly by good teams... there are no good teams in our league and we have a short memory when it comes to tournaments (wgos are like that), so the mouths talk and the poor play continues... and after the game i hear several voices talk about how well we played... it's a fifty-fifty shot at getting an out on slow ground balls and lower on anything to the outfield and they thing that is playing well... every game - if we did not throw the ball erratically when we should not have thrown the ball at all (because too many think they can throw accurately when they cannot) or if the outfield just got the ball in to the pitcher immediately after picking the ball up (which they don't do because they stop and look and take a few seconds or longer to think about where to throw the ball while the runners advance an extra base... it's the same thing with running the bases, they slow down to look for the ball instead of paying attention to base coaches), we would win every game in this league and do better in tournaments, but egos rule and bad habits get more and more ingrained with each passing season...

stll, it's the most organized league in town and it is one of the best teams in this league and jackson loves this team, so i shut up and bite my tongue and watch the same old sunday softball follies and i ignore the egos bragging about how good the are...

my bat was was way off today, but that's another story... a little exercise, that's what matters most...

narf...

blogging inspires opinions

in fact, i become quite opinionated when i blog... dramatic too... thing is, i rarely judge anything or anyone outside of myself in the real world (as opposed to the (e)thereal world, no doubt)... most of the opinions i express are momentary and might change, but even when they are not changing they are not nearlly as argumentative or severe or whatever word fits, , as they may seem... i just tend to speak as though i really know what i am talking about... or write, in this case... anyway, still watching the louisville st louis game and definitely not impressed by either team's offense... and yes, both defenses are good, but the shooting is really terrible even when the defenders are not there... and the louisville defense is slipping, looking tired, as the second half rolls along... not as fast in the feet and the bigs are not keeping their arms up... i don't understand how so many talking heads on tv rave about louisville when they have such poor shooting... maybe they will bear down and show something like shooting talent in the last five or ten minutes... st louis is still playing rough street ball, though their elbows have calmed down a bit, but they still push off with them a lot...

i am nodding off and wish i could nap, but i'm getting up to feed and walk happiness and that will likely wake me out of the after meal afternoon nap mode... i really do give a lot, more than money... yeah, i'm such a sweetheart... wah wah wah too... feels good to give... feels not so good to be alone so much... and life goes on (so do it, m'ok?)...

narf :)

afternoon delight

taking a break from the delicious reheated chinese food lunch i reheated for myself (did i mention the food was reheated?) and realizing, as i checked the soups that sat in the living room all night, that they did include the shrimp with lobster sauce that i thought they might have forgotten and not charged me for cuz $75 is a very good price for all the food i got (see last night's entry for a list... and ignore the mention of not having the shrimp in lobster, m'ok?) so yummy yummy yummy there's good food in my tummy...

watching the ncca basketball tournament and not planning on doing anything more today except some laundry cuz i am in a no spending (except on food) mode and in a rest and relax and unwind mode and in a me-time mode and also cuz jackson will not be home until late and somebody has to walk happiness a few times and feed him between now and then... anyway, the st. louis - louisville game is on and all the talk about how good louisville is definitely has not shown in the first eleven minutes because they have no offense at all... terrible shooting and it is not due to the st louis defense because they have a whole lot of open shots and are 3 for 14 and a worse percentage from the free throw line... it is 12 to 6 and 7 of the 12 points for louisville were on turnovers... great defense, but the only thing worse than the louisville offensive show is the st louis offensive show... the rest of the first half was not as bad, but still a very horrible offensive performance... st louis is resorting to throwing elbows and only one connected so only one was called a foul (flagrant 1), but the refs better get a hold on those elbows because the two that did not connect were much more aggressive and deliberate attempts to hit someone than the one that connected... the third one i saw was reaching as if fighting, not just clearing out... the only reason it did not connect is the other player was already falling down... anyway, boring game when thrown elbows is the most excitement in the first half...

loving the relaxing time, how about you? :)

ah, the folly of organizing volunteers

jackson and i volunteered for my company this morning and while they threw a curve at us and did not let us volunteer together (they randomly separated us which separated children from their parents which was a very bad idea so they god a lot less productivity than they would have had parents not had to stop working to check on their kids and had people who brought friend volunteers been able to enjoy the experience with the friend(s) they brought... the thought, i suppose, was to balance the work groups cuz they were having a contest for who could produce more but overall they got less production... it was especially unfair because they did not stop people from changing groups so one group ended up with twice as many people as when they started and naturally they won... i was with a group that included a kid who did almost nothing and got in the way too much and two people left early so the fact that we produced more than half of what the group that had three times the number of people as us showed we produced more per person, but that wasn't rewarded so the contest idea backfired cuz some people do not want to do it again because they are competitive and the organizers made it a competition... if you are going to make any activity a competition, then make it fair...

it was still fun, even as i was pushing the team i was with to keep up as fast a pace as possible so we didn't talk or joke as much as other teams... being the numbers geek that i am and also the administrator who does not like wasting time, the group waited around for a half hour while the organizers set up snacks and drinks... the work was sorting hand towels for disney... due to the seasonal rush, there are way more towels than the operation can handle, so salaried staff were asked to come in and volunteer and many brought friends or partners or kids... great idea, but poorly organized... anyway, we emptied 11 carts of towels in 17.5 man hours... the "winning" team emptied 19 carts of towels in 54 man hours... that's .629 carts per man-hour while they did .352 carts per man-hour... the stats even get more ridiculous for the winners when we factor in the content of the carts as they were on the side of the room with the in-progress carts, meaning their carts had less than a full load, some just half full... we were on the receiving side of the room so all of our carts were over-the-top filled, 2-3 feet more of towels, so just estimating we did 22 more feet of towels than they did... we won't compare quality, but i think we did a better job of sorting too...

if they let jackson and i work together it would have been fun and fun would have been the focus, but since i was not working with her, the numbers and competition became more of a focus... all in all, we helped a lot but they are still waaaaay behind in keeping up with the carts and while the next scheduled 'volunteer day' is april 12 (jackson's birthday and yes, we have plans), they are gonna need a lot of help a lot sooner than that... good sense would say they should ask, but we shall see if they ask...

home to ponder my navel now... how about you? :)

entries come and entries go, but names still hurt

sometimes i just write to keep myself company... random words and thoughts and whatever just pop out of my head, sentences form for no apparent reason but there is a reason (there is!) and that is simply to keep myself company... to occupy my mind... to imitate rem sleep... or an rem song, for that matter... you can't lose what you never had... human beings are highly evolved pattern recognition machines... didn't you know?... of course on a more pessimistic note, people will always do the stupid selfish thing... at least tht is all i've experienced so far, personally... and in many other ways too, most, in fact... sugar and caffeine is the cultural drug, get with it and join the party or you will never fit in... they will judge you poorly as the outsider, except in movies where the solitary rebel is a hero... not so much in real life... conformity is the way to succeed... no wonder i choose to fail, at least by the standards of the normal human culture in this western world... perspective is everything, get some...

what good is enlightenment when the world chooses to be blind...

narf...

do whatcha do

it is an old harry chapin song, for what it's worth.. if you don't know the message, it's the same as any other, but if you do, it's the secret of life... or one of them... everybody's got a dream... everybody's got a thing... a thing to do... it was a good thought, a right thought, and living thought... what?... you just need to know one thing, yourself... and when you are asleep, our brain goes through consolidation... just one more reason sleep is so very important and i've missed out on so much of it, i am severely diminished, life and self retarded... and still, it is all relative cuz if nobody knows what i could have been, then nobody knows what i am, just an image shining in the night... or someone everyone can judge for themselves... and it really doesn't matter if i've wrong or right or whatever, just that i am me cuz that's what i've gotta be... doing what i do... or something like that...

everything else is just the drama... you could have searched for it, after all...

narf :)

yeah, so anyway (for the umpteenth time, i suppose)

the title, the feeling, the sigh... yeah, so anyway, this one time, at band camp... fill in the rest from your own fantasies... meanwhile, in the realish world, i decided to splurge on chinese food tonight... not feeling like going out, i ordered in, almost... i picked up $75 worth of chinese food... three entrees (butterfly shrimp and bacon, shrimp in lobster sauce, jumbo shrimp and black mushrooms {though they made it with regular mushrooms cuz they were out of black mushrooms and then they didn't put it in the box and i don't think they charged me for it either, but it was good the last time i ordered it} and a lot of appetizers (crab rangoon, shrimp toast, shrimp rolls, vegetable rolls, and they throw in two quarts of soup for free) and a large order of spare ribs and it should last the weekend... all mine until jackson comes along and wants some...

waking early tomorrow to go into work for four hours to help bail out another part of the organization with a lot of my managers and their families (motivating people to volunteer hours on a saturday morning, nice trick)... jackson said she was going to go but she's not home yet so i don't know if she will be back and i can't wait for her in the morning... worse yet, the kids will wake me as they've been begging for attention since i got home... happiness needs a lot more walks... responsibilities... right, so i pay the bills, take care of her kids, been here before, aye?... yeah, so anyway... whatever...

the food was yummy, the mountain dews were too... should have ate and drank before the softball game i was asked to fill in for earlier cuz i was very tired then and less tired now, but napping much of the afternoon felt good too and i really would have been burnt out at the game without the nap... work woke me six times while i was trying to nap... it's a full time 24/7 job these days... like happiness... got to make the most of my me time... selfishness is necessary to maintain balance...

narf...

the stats got boring

yeah, i know, there are lots of stats entries with links to other stats entries among the many thousands of entries in this blog and my love of numbers was, for a while, making for much fun of the stats... but i've noticed that recently, mostly likely because i have much less time and a whole lot more numbers to play with at work, the blogger google stats have become quiet boring...

just saying, in case you wondered...

narf :)

don't be sad

cuz sad don't feel so good... and it is a choice, in the end, to feel what we want to feel because feeling are generated by perspective and perspective is a choice... so i am not pleased with jackson as another year moves toward it's fourth month and i am giving her more money than she is giving me and i am paying all the rent and bills and she still avoids sitting down and talking about why she spends all her money without paying much, if any living expenses... and i don't want to think about trading in the car but that has been on my mind this week... i dragged my feet buying the car for this very reason and we talked about it and we were close to an understanding that we needed to not let the pattern of the last few years continue... at least i thought we were...

and here i sit tired from a very long and challenging work week and jackson is out on a date (hopefully the date is paying for everything) and we didn't have the talk about why i had to give her more money this week... frustrating, but don't be sad... cuz the joy of giving is still a blissful happiness for me... just adding disappointment and frustration tempers the joy, but still, not sad... cuz i am doing what feels good for me...

meanwhile, happiness is getting older by the minute and he needs to go out again... jackson is going to be quite upset with herself for not spending more time with him in these last year(s)... thing is, if you are true to yourself you will know happiness... first though, you must find yourself... yeah, that's the ticket...

narf...

time changes everything (sort of)

did you ever notice that the entries pouring out at the rate of nearly a dozen a day last year when i was not working were way more fun and interesting and a lot less whiney and tired and maybe that's just cuz the grass always seems greener on the other side or memories brighten even the darkest experiences or something like that... when i have next to nothing, i give what i have... when i have a lot, i give what i have... what changes is how much i give... there may come a time when i have no more to give and just once i wish i met someone who did not take, but gave like i did... but the world is full of vampires and we are full of blood, so it's give or stay away...

sometimes i wish everyone would just stay away...

sigh...

why i am alone

so instead of stopping for taco bell (which i didn't really want) or something else equally high in calories on the way home (i might have had the line not been so long) and chowing down and laying down and being asleep by now after an 18 hour (and i am out of the house at 6am tomorrow), i wandered the kitchen and cupboards for minute after minute until thirty or more wandered by as i found nothing quick and easy and realized i have nothing quick and easy to eat in the house and so i had a can of soup cold from the can then had something else and then an ice cream bar and then a yogurt and then some cream cheese and jelly and i realized i do not like squeezable jelly containers cuz they remind me too much of watching happiness try to poop a really sticky poop and then i drank some chocolate milk made with hot chocolate mix cuz there is not other chocolate in the house and i realized that hot chocolate mixes do not mix well in cold milk and then i thought dozens of other abstract things related and unrelated and then i wondered where the extra and came from and ...

maybe this is why i am alone...

narf lol lam sigh :)

the internet says go to sleep

if only... but nobody understands, not even jackson and she lives here... happiness understands, but then, dogs are dogs... it is deeper than loneliness (copyright, yeah) as the nights toss restlessly by without a home or a bed or a place to lay my weary head (la la la) and the song said remember what the good book said (feed your head, naturally)... the best drugs are not legal, alas, so i overdose on chocolate once again, washed down by the extra caffeinated sugar overload of a frosty dew, and the world still spins around... one of these days i will attempt another search for another doctor and start the attempt to bring some balance to the body since i've been allowing the blood pressure to go unchecked for quite a few years now and there is all sorts of damage that could be going on according to all the medical books, but then, that's just science, right?... mocking death right up to the end, must be insanity, aye?... i miss sex...

the previous entry not withstanding (cuz it's not size that matters as much as sensitivity and placement, of course), there is a longing to awaken and share brewing somewhere deep inside (for how many years now?... toronto might know, toronto and buffalo... wish they all could be cali girls, ya know... but the truth be told, it's once in love, always in love, and the story never ends {same old, same old} till the end of time)...

someday we'll all understand, right dan?...

narf :)

some of the old ways

every now and then, though much more way back then than now, i would wander the web and pass along some of what i found or find out there to you in random ways (and even directly, sort of once upoin a time (will the catch up ever be caught up?... only by following and returning to check in will you know), so why should i not return to a tried and true inspiration when the world slows down to a silent stillness?... who knows, what we may know is the internet is full of fun and frolic and the occasional surprise (and shock value amusement, even) so maybe i ought to return, at least now and then, to that tried and true linkage method (ah, the linkage method... you know i just took out the copyright and registered the trademark on that, right?)_ perhaps we should call it, before sex, there is candy but then, why not just call it what it is... candy before sex... hey, don't mock my friends and playmates unless you've got the balls to take it back, m'ok?...

when frank zappa meets arlo guthrie a rambling story is interrupted by something like this...

narfeggio lol :)

5555 entry

or entry 5555, to be exquisitely imprecise (or acutely approximate, for that matter), but that probably has more to do with the price of eggs in china or the actual subject or intended content of this entry, so never mind the counting and focus on the profundity that may appear here someday... your input it welcome...

somewhere in storage is a jersey with 55 on the back...

for what it's worth, even...

tbe, no doubt...

narf too...

alone again, alas

as usual, naturally or not (still seems unnatural at some depths even though it is the state of being of this life and i've been well aware of that since the beginning of consciousness in this life... a stinky curious wakes me to let me know jackson came home and while i was nodding sitting awkwardly here on the couch and i really wanted a friend to talk to after a long day, jackson is busy with work cuz she didn't do any since friday morning so it's just me and a very stinky curious (she either has gas or some poop stuck to her butt but it's too dark to see) as she curls up against my side and rubs her nose and butt (alternating) and hopefully i won't continue smelling the stink once she tires of sitting here and so... that's life around here tonight...

the mens ncaa basketball march madness brackets are dominating the babbling on the tv and without someone to talk to about it i am not so interested... the boxes are piled all around me and i sit here in the living room amidst this clutter on this terribly uncomfortable couch all alone... jackson doesn't want to know why i was upset earlier... it's not that she does care, she just doesn't handle me being upset or hurt well... she apologizes for not being the friend she wants to be and she doesn't like it and hurts over it, but at the moment that doesn't help me... feeling this alone sucks...

i understand... i think,,, i guess she just needs me to be her rock and her rock needs to be perfect... no cracks... no needs... most everybody needs someone like that it seems... that's what gods are about i suppose, but also parents... alas, i just want someone to talk to, someone who wants to know how i feel and why, and it would be really sweet to have someone who understands my perspective... but just someone who can listen and hear and support... sigh, it's tough to always be a single parent...

life is like that...

narf...

organized, not

so i am responsible for not helping and the excuse of being ignored and underutilized and blamed for others mistakes - and flat out disrespected - is bullshit because i can still help out more and ignore my hurt feelings and the disrespect because they are children and humans and are simply conditioned to whatever... after the game we started setting up for the concession stand cuz it was our week to handle that... each week a different team gets to do it and make some money for their team to pay for equipment, fields, and trips to tournaments... the first games are 9am, but we didn't start cooking until after 11am, maybe closer to noon... nobody took responsibility for getting a grill or setting up the tent... so for over an hour i and another guy held the tent down because the wind was blowing it over... finally somebody found a crappy piece of twine and i tied the tent to the fence and it was secure... about then one guy rented a truck and picked up a grill (meanwhile potential customers were turned away for almost three hours)... that guy and i cooked for the next two and a half hours and a few other guys helped make sales and sold almost everything they bought to cook and we earned about $300... so much more could have come from it and i don't know why only five guys did all the work, but i stayed three hours longer than planned to get it done...

happiness was ok when i got home (he's been sick and the reason i was supposed to leave about noon)... after taking care of him, i checked the team facebook page because they told me they were posting stats and recaps and... well... nevermind...

life goes on, within and without me...

narf :}

softball follies

yeah, i need to vent a bit, so move along to the next entry if you don't want to hear it... a team does it's best when everyone is contributing the best they can contribute, everyone is trying their best, and everyone is in the right place based on their skills and knowledge... a team that does not do that is frustrating for me...

twenty minutes before the game, when i find out that we are home team, i start encouraging people to take the field and warm up because we are not a great early morning team (and it is a 9am game) and because we can be very slopping in the field when we do not warm up... typically it takes two or three innings before most of the fielders are actually ready to field and throw... nobody listened... the coach was not around and they played deaf as they often do - mostly because they are lazy... laziness and sports do not go together well, so they frustrate me... the coach showed up two minutes before game time and i asked about warming up and he nodded... we didn't warm up... he counted five errors in the first two innings... he didn't count five wild throws... there were about twenty errors in the game due to not bending over, lack of hustle, and casual throws... but the game recap will say that the pitcher gave up 9 runs and about 20 hits... they don't count errors or earned runs, they just blame the pitcher for all the errors behind him...

it doesn't help (or make sense) that they just added a new assistant coach who just started playing the game, does not know the fundamentals, and is not a leader, but that's another story... so we do not play as well as we could on the field because laziness is accepted and our coach makes mistakes... that (and the published stats) keeps me from taking the game and statistics and team page and the "team" seriously because it is not the team who is held accountable, it is the pitcher... i still have fun doing the best i can as long as i don't expect much and ignore the fact that they ignore me and don't utilize me and misrepresent me on the web... i am 12 for 15 on the season with four or five doubles and a triple... i bat ninth with the weakest batter behind me... i still scored at least a half dozen times... i love statistics because i love playing with numbers... i respect statistics because accurate statistics represent actions, achievements, and empirical reality...

i hate lies because they are a waste of time and worse, misrepresent people...

inaccurate statistics are lies...

barf...

short thought

i don't get it... the popularity, i mean... i don't get how so many people writing relatively stupid words with little humor, meaning, or message become so popular on the web... but then, i don't get much of what humans do... and they don't get me much either... i mean, just look around... hope you don't feel too lonely here...

narf :)

please let me sleep

unfortunately, the kids don't read this blog or pay much attention to my requests, so curious wants her attention and she will not let me sleep... happiness begged to go out again so i took him out and when i got back curious was laying on the couch right where i was trying to fall asleep... do they miss mommy?... are they attention seeking monsters?... am i going to play poorly cuz i will be tired and grumpy come morning... yes, yes, and probably... and my batting average was so good so far this year (.750)... and we play a team that is tied with us for first at 3-1... and i must be awake... blah blah blah... so curious is getting the boot and hopefully will not continue climbing on the couch (or my head)...

life is so much fun with animals around the house, ya know?...no really, it is when i get enough sleep...

narf :}

i should be sleeping (how many times?)

probably dozens, or hundreds, even... midnight rolls around and i have an early day tomorrow and i am just not wanting to give up on the hope that someone will save my life tonight or fall in love (someday my princess will come, ya know?), to be more precise, as if it's gonna happen while i sit here semi-nodding off alone in this living room but hey, here are the words, maybe she'll find them and come over, right?...

i know, i can be quite the hopelessly hopeful romantic, as if that is news to anyone who really knows me... whatever happened to those who really know me?...

narf, nite?... oh, narf :)

they get so needy when she's gone

and while i used to just get busy with my own life and stuff, more and more happiness is needing tlc and more frequent attention and walks and so i cut back on activities when jackson is away and this particular weekend the tv is boring to the extreme and i am semi-blah myself so i am not into motivating myself in any reasonable way mostly cuz i am tired cuz i am not sleeping well cuz of the couch and the neediness as happiness and curious wake me way too regularly to get any decent sleep so i put my head down several times today and when the kids didn't wake me the phone did cuz i had someone break the key off in the refrigerator at work (that's not the first time either which is just one more bit of evidence that people are careless which is quite frustrating) and harpo needed a lot of phone time today because, well, he's harpo and he can be a bundle of neurosis and so, it was a day for others... i did have linch with helen and friends which was a pleasant break from the neediness around here... so life is as good as it gets as usual...

the poor kids are still so needy... happiness needs to go out a lot (at least he tells me) cuz of medical stuff he's dealing with (he's got lots of medicines and $300 of jackson's rent money went to him this month... that's happened more than a few times over the years, like a lot... money money money, i give so much away as i always knew i would... cuz people matter more than money... some people just say that... maybe most... i like living up to my words and ideals, even when i am poor (first world poor, still plenty lavishly wealthy compared to most people on this planet)... so be at peace amidst the turmoil, and all that jazz...

narf :)

sleep would be good now

and so it was, sort of... still on the way too soft and uneven couch and with jackson away, happiness and curious nudged me awake a couple or few times... happiness is older than ever and is having assorted medical challenges including digestive challenges that increase his need to go outside and has to take medicines and so on... meanwhile, my nose is still trickling so breathing is annoying cuz i am not blowing out the stuff in it to clear it cuz i want the broken blood vessel to heal and blowing the nose puts too much pressure on the darn thing and what a way to wake up, but this is waking up these past six or seven or more weeks since i moved out of the bedroom cuz of the construction...

well that was a meanderingly babbley wake up, now wasn't it?...

narf :)

leap frogging time

yes, so, well, anyway, ok, alright, yeah, so?... now that might have been a more interesting title if i was not making any reference to the cosmos show (tyson, ya know, the new one), which i actually was not intending to do at all, but since i mentioned it, whatever, i mean, right?... in any case, the dvr is busy at work and creating conflicts with three and even four shows on at the same time (and the brighthouse dvr does not allow more than two and also does not allow recording a series at alternate time slots so, yet again, suck it brighthouse), and hopefully i will remember to record the alternate time slots each week one day at a time, la la la... first world problems...

tv is such a waste of time on so many levels...

fortunately, life goes on and the passage of time in this blogging life (which has hardly been a memory in so many ways and places and such and so on) has been leap frogging past whole days, at least, even though i may decide to do one of those catch-up sessions (or dance, even) if this nosebleed ever ends (started last night, made it through the whole day at extremely busy work on hold, then started again minutes before the softball game and may have sort of semi-paused until i started eating delicious italian food and is still trickling, but that may be so far beside the point the point may have gotten lost) this weekend (they have been quite sort of epic at times, ya know?) when jackson is out of town visiting her parents and i am sullenly grumbling over the continuing saga of ridiculously disrespectful incompetence that is the fubar of construction downgrades to the community (the work is so shoddy it can not longer be considered upgrades)... don't let it get you down, it's only castles crumbling...

work, much of it, much challenging, much wonderfulness as i dance with the devil in the pale moonlight, o0r something like that, and reach for ever more creative and simply complex solutions (changing long-term engrained group behaviors)... play, much of it, much fun as three teams asked me to fill in for them this week and the sunday team continues to move through a new season and life, the grand game, continues... home still sucks thanks to the construction, but when i close my eyes i watch my world unfold before me, ya know... jackson is out drunking it up with a new potential love interest so the poor sick happiness (who is on medications for several ailments) is gonna wake me tonight cuz part of his ailments include needing to go out more...

more after a walk, perhaps...

narf :)

a kiss is just a...

do all cultures kiss on the lips?... there are lots of diverse traditions and opinions probably vastly differ in different cultures, maybe we should study kissing in a scientific way, but then again even science might consider it amazing, but however we might explain it and whatever the reason why, kissing apparently has a long history...

and when we ask where did kissing on the lips come from?, well, if the links above didn't give us a clue, maybe we should ask how to?... yeah, call me maybe, but opinions differ and only four lips know what is right for those four lips, after all... origin stories differ, but most of us would probably agree that there is little doubt about it, there are
other ways to put it too...

something in the way she moves me, or something like that...

narf :)

don't stop blogieving

or listening to the music, for that matter... old or new... curious misses mommy... so does happiness... and the little fish wander along the trail of tears... what;s nall this about life after death, anyway?... so what do you believe?... and does that make it real?... depends on how much you doubt, no doubt... so how much do you doubt?... question?... what if god was just a figment of the imagination, would all the time humans have spent living, dying, fighting, and loving because they believe god is real be a waste of time?... or just sad?... and if god was not just a figment of imagination, what then?... does that make the fighting and dying any better?... it's a ridiculous question for believers... a futile question for non-believers... and for everybody else, not even a question, just a sadness... tv influenced this entry, by the way... ressurection... and cosmos... and through the wormhole...

meanwhile, in the blogosphere...

its a journey, ya know?...

four year old dreams

even though the world is dark try to light a little part, don't go run and hide... give a little of my heart only then the beat will start, keeping me in time... life doesn't wait too long... do you know why every human story has to include religion?... fear of the unknown, perhaps... they burned witches too... and bruno, poor bruno... ten years later the telescope changed everything... ten years too late for bruno, you know... and we are still afraid to let ten year olds have sex (or four year olds, for that matter), but bo knows... i did too, when i was four... most of us forget, i suppose... can't stand the sensitivity, truth be told... or the truth... sometimes the truth just does not fit into your box, or your mind... i mean, when it's too big, you know?... well, maybe you don't know, that's the point of this point i suppose... and this entry?... well, it's an enigma within a conundrum within a riddle or cacophony or something like that... don't go breaking, you don't have to be that fragile, yes?... and you don't have to be afraid either, unless you wanna be... do you wanna be?...

really, isn't there enough violence in the world without deliberately choosing to watch fake violence on tv?... even from a child's perspective, it's stupid...

barf, ya know?...

what tv is good for

distractions, mostly, but even more, fantasies... imagining being someone else... imagining being somewhere else... in another life... in another body... even imagining the sex, you know, the sexual fantasy... whatever you want, you can find it there... at least in a mostly two dimensional audio-visual way... whatever you're into, it's there... even if it's illegal to do, you can fantasize about it (and is that illegal?... not until the thought police get here, i suppose... or else you could put a mouse in a microwave, turn it on, and wait... wanna blow up and then come back as something (or someone) else?... you can do that too... some will condemn you, but personally i focus on helping people and leave the judgments to others who have time for such matters... what?... yeah, i'd rather spend my time helping people than judging them... be that way...

but it's not all about the genitals... even if genitals think so...

narf :)

doin the dew

like burning the candle at both ends, the dew pushes through the mind... caffeinated sugar make for great friends, as long as the heartbeats are kind... if stroke is not in the off'ring, if blurriness does not take eyes... we just may survive the transition into what we will become without lies... when you worship money then nothing is funny unless you can buy it (you try to deny it) addicted to profit and power and pills you don't care who your passion for greed kills ... who are you?... why are you here?... what are you doing?... why should i care?... do you have cupcakes?... are they filled with creme?... the end of the nightmare... is the beginning of the dream... stop me in the name of love if you don't know what we dream of and bring your whole heart to the table... if you are able... want to be able?... make it real or make it a fable... could be tv, could be cable...

life is not an experiment... or maybe it is... black blood is a sign of viral infection, or cancer, or something not of this world... or maybe it's oil... and on some world, oil may be blood and could life be silicon based?... what if mitochondria could digest methane?... in a super sub zero climate... are you thinking what i'm thinking?... don't let the vectors get you...

it's a drug thing... at least until the medical marijuana gets here...

narf :)

you could be happy

if your face was in your hand, would you enjoy a high five?... palm face would know... when did the dodge dart become cool, sporty, or youthful?... and when cotten or toilet paper is lost in the nose, what good are the tweezers you were going to buy?... live for today, this moment, for you never know what might happen in the next nostril... just be careful, in this world, in this culture, in this fear driven day and age, when you let a child sit on your lap (especially if she wants to stradle you)... children behave (that's what they say when we're together)... why do they cover up more girl parts than boy parts, anyway?... and then, you know when you've had enough tv when tv reaches a point where even seth mcfarlane isn't funny anymore... check with your doctor to determine whether your heart is ready for sex... or war, if that's your turn on... macho men make the craziest bedfellows... what's so great about getting your butt kissed, anyway?... noses come in many colors, so do swamp monsters...

call a scientist... or seth mcfarlane... or mila kunis, if she ever gets over her childhood crush, poor thing... she could be happy (or the sweetest sex toy in the shop, even)... with respect, seriously... wait, did you take all this seriously?...

narf :)

time's not here

cheech and chong would get it... listening to a mix cd made for me by someone who called herself blue some years back somewhere on the internet... hey blue, wherever you are (and whomever you are lol, aye?), thanks for the music... definitely a fun diverse mix... and i think i head you laughing in the background of some of the mixes, especially the acdc/def leppard dance mix (and there are more snips and samples i hear you snuck in there too), clever girl... and since windows music player put the assorted folder in alphabetical order (dumb program), insomnia seems to be right on time, ahem... wish i could share the music mix with you all, but the limits of my tech savvy and this blogger site seem to prevent that once again... anyway, listening to music as i unpack some more boxes (found a video of my sky dive from a few years ago) after jackson crashed (she lasted through one box of cassettes and i could only bring myself to part with about a dozen of the few hundred... i may be a hoarder, but music... how do you throw away music?)...

and i found one of the 1000journals lost in my boxes for a decade or more... it's #873 for anyone searching or keeping track... somebody might care... maybe this guy... and then there are comments in waiting and responses in progress, but time time time, especially tonight when i am jazzed to unclutter and yet must wake early tomorrow to be ready to play a 9am game (life would be much less fun without softball)...

and now that daylight savings time stole an hour of sleep and there are only about four left to be had, i better lay down and let the sleep come... so much more to write and upload, so much more to say and rhyme, so much more i want to share, but so little time, so little time...

narf :)

awash in wishes

i wish i could share my twitter feed tonight with you, but i don't know how to link a specific moment of the feed for your viewing pleasure... my ever so casually selected twitterers are fun to read tonight, from the oscar watchers to the star gazers to the odd individuals i just enjoy now and then (i think the last time i checked my twitter feed was before last halloween) cuz i work a lot now and don't have the time to wander around online (just think of the amazing content i might be missing, aye?... ah, but am i missing anything or am i complete even if i am not aware of it just now, when?... now now, let's not get too metaphylosophical, ya know?)... stop me before i get back to facebook (you really ought to see my feed there too)... what?...

yes, well, whatever, but maybe on the flip side, or somewhere else, sometimes i really want to kiss somebody on the lips but i am specifically repulsed by most lips because of some instinctive sensory perception thing, or something like that... yes, empathy plays a role, but it goes more expansive and much deeper than that... really, i just thought you ought to know, #4noapparentreason and me too...

narf :)

many entries missing

this is the mark (or sign) of many entries missing... stay tuned to this space and we might see many entries suddenly appear at some past future (or future past) date... until then, feel free to amuse yourself as you wish... in any way you please, that is... sending photos or a video gets extra credits...

more to follow...

narf :)

what now? (who's love?)

well, the heat is on... it must be cold outside... and the insulation sucks in this apartment... so the heat is on... and the electric bill will go up now that they've upgraded the apartment because they hired a construction company that does very shoddy work and the inspectors are either paid off or don't care...

chocolate milk and shortbread cookies at 3am followed the dinner (at 5pm of chips and dip and chocolate... and i definitely did not eat just one... it's a comfort food thing, not to mention a sudden change of subject cuz when distraction is needed, distraction is found... what squirrel?... so like she said, "i don't care which cock i'm holding, i just want to know how it got there"... elementary, dear watson, it's sherlock's cock and he put it there... vo do dee do doh! (oh homer, you say the silliest things)... huh?...

it's a mad entry, yes it is (heavily influenced by the lightness and humor of background tv, in case you didn't know)... and what's all this about the god dam freaking god particle crap, anyway?... humans are so delusional and weak they are too afraid to open their minds so they cork any openings with gods and even more ridiculously arbitrary rules (like bleep out certain words because they are dirty or offensive)...

how many buttons (pushed) does it take to get to make a tootsie pop?...

later, more