alone again, alas

as usual, naturally or not (still seems unnatural at some depths even though it is the state of being of this life and i've been well aware of that since the beginning of consciousness in this life... a stinky curious wakes me to let me know jackson came home and while i was nodding sitting awkwardly here on the couch and i really wanted a friend to talk to after a long day, jackson is busy with work cuz she didn't do any since friday morning so it's just me and a very stinky curious (she either has gas or some poop stuck to her butt but it's too dark to see) as she curls up against my side and rubs her nose and butt (alternating) and hopefully i won't continue smelling the stink once she tires of sitting here and so... that's life around here tonight...

the mens ncaa basketball march madness brackets are dominating the babbling on the tv and without someone to talk to about it i am not so interested... the boxes are piled all around me and i sit here in the living room amidst this clutter on this terribly uncomfortable couch all alone... jackson doesn't want to know why i was upset earlier... it's not that she does care, she just doesn't handle me being upset or hurt well... she apologizes for not being the friend she wants to be and she doesn't like it and hurts over it, but at the moment that doesn't help me... feeling this alone sucks...

i understand... i think,,, i guess she just needs me to be her rock and her rock needs to be perfect... no cracks... no needs... most everybody needs someone like that it seems... that's what gods are about i suppose, but also parents... alas, i just want someone to talk to, someone who wants to know how i feel and why, and it would be really sweet to have someone who understands my perspective... but just someone who can listen and hear and support... sigh, it's tough to always be a single parent...

life is like that...

narf...