and then there is acceptance

must vent some of my frustrations (yes again, it's how i maintain peace and happiness in the real life in the mind and body and experience... everybody should have one)... yesterday jackson's response to my considering taking a $7-10,000 dollar loss by trading in the new car for a car that will have minimal or no payments was the usual (not good, not productive, and definitely challenging), but we worked through the walls around her taking money seriously and she said we would finally have the money talk today cuz we had nothing but softball... she had other plans all day and evening yesterday... and all last week... and the past few years whenever i bring up the fact that she seldom pays any bills and most months i am giving her money... but she said we would have all day today after our morning softball and she said she understood the importance...

and then this morning on the way (in the car) to our double header she tells me she is playing with the afternoon team this afternoon and after getting home from the double header she went to the gym (which is good, but still avoidance), so she is blowing off the money talk yet again... she said on her way out that we can do it tonight but she's not going to like my answer if she even brings it up later because my answer will be that we can talk after she is all caught up on her work if she really wants to set herself up for failure by trying to do what she has avoided so long after a long day when she's way too tired... she is not going to use me to undermine her keeping her job and she is risking losing it by not getting her work done each week... first priority is keep the job because at least that pays some of her bills, with my help... without the job, what's the point of a money talk... she will like be quite upset and not be able to focus on work and go to sleep early and continue the pattern that has been consistently undermining her work and draining my savings and remains a wall between us and here i am venting about it right here in this public place because i've reach that point where privacy does not matter anymore... it's doubtful anyone who knows us in the physical world where we live will read this anyway as nobody really wants to know each other in real life as far as i've found... hiding it does not help me get the venting required for balance...

so as i mentioned in the previous entry, softball did not go well for me today... telling me she had forgotten about her commitment to spend today addressing a budget that would stop her from askinging me for money every month on the way to our double header shut me down... i didn't want to be at the field... i didn't say a word... i hit like crap (2 for 6 with a walk) destroying my best hitting season (4 outs today was more than i had gotten all season) bringing my average down from .800 to .667... big shit (reality check), the numbers are fun but softball and stats are meaningless compared to my bleeding money every month...

accepting reality is not always easy... reality is that i will work myself to death at this rate when i could have been retired if i had not given so many hundreds of thousands away in this lifetime (and at least many tens of thousands in the past few years to jackson)... and i must accept that it is time to stop ignoring it... it is time to accept that she makes her choices and sets her priorities and i must wean her off my wallet... i will do what i need to do to survive... and i will offer her my hand and help, but i must not let the bleeding continue... i made a big mistake trusting her to come through with some rent money each month this year and buying a new car based on that trust... it sucks to write this... it sucks to accept this... it sucks to experience this... but in reality, the worst reality is better than a self-destructive illusion... i've got to take care of me or she will not have anybody to bail her out and that, coming too suddenly, would be a whole lot worse for her than being poor...

some things i will not write here...

narf...