about that rough day

ah, yeah, remember that rough day i mentioned?... yeah, (yeah, yeah again), well, yesterday was a long work day and while that was rough it was the kind of rough that i love, helping others... and then came today...

the work was not completed yesterday as promised, again, and instead of taking today off i woke and went to work because the painters were due to come in and finish... the work they did yesterday was very poor quality and obviously they needed another day to fix it... or cover it up... and today started out rough, waking laste, then as i am groggy and catching up on mail and texting jackson about the unfinished apartment, in walks one of my nurses to hand me a letter of resignation... she vented for over an hour about all sorts of things and told me more of the story of her life before i told he i had to get ready for the managers meeting... the managers meeting was good, but lasted an hour and a half... i headed out after that, but drove around for hours because i did not want to go home and find painters...

finally getting home i find happiness pooped in the living room and tracked it all over the place... or was that the painters leaving a response to my complaints... another coincidence like the power off and nail in the board waiting in the bedroom?... so i started cleaning it and ran out of carpet cleaner... so i drove out to get carpet cleaner and the store had none... frustration continued to build and i bought chips and onion dip and nestle's crunch for breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the car and then, the phone rang and it was a parent with a concern... the plan to visit curly today was slipping away and even though i was not sure about the outcome with the parent, i cancelled the visit and it felt like a lie... the parent did end up taking my evening so i couldn't meet curly anyway and the day simply sucked all around, mostly cuz i was back home and exhausted...

as for home and the construction, this is how i just summed it up in a comment to a friend who asked...

i should just publish the on-going saga of emails... as of yesterday, the apartment manager finally did enough of an inspection to have to admit that there was actually real water damage just as i had been saying all along... she changed the construction schedule and said the apartment would be finished today... and today, the apartment was finished, except for my bedroom...

they might claim to have finished the bedroom, but they did not and the apartment manager may be quite upset with the workers as they either lied to her or she lied to us... i am betting on them lying... they seem to do shoddy work and never get jobs done in the time frames promised...

so i continue living in the living room on the way too soft back breaking couch and i continue to be grumpy and distracted and not wanting to write much (cuz even i get tired of grumpy distracted complaining)...

i told them i would be deducting $200 from the rent this month and if they could not accept that they could start the eviction process and we will end up in court... the apartment manager forwarded my last email to her regional director and she hopes for a response monday... rent will be late after monday, so we shall see if they agree or if i contact bring in a lawyer i know who handles construction claims...

drama is so boring...

and so what's new in your world? :)

betrayed again

that's just the natural way of the human as far as i can tell... i told the office no to working in my room tomorrow and the office manager told jackson they were going to do it anyway and jackson said ok... she lays down like a doormat whenever confronted... i love her, she's my best friend and family, but i wish she would see when she is being taken advantage of or getting dumped on...

it's rained all day and evening and the weather report says rain all night and showers during the day tomorrow... the water splashing up under the wrap they nailed and taped to the wall is seeping into the insulation, staining the drywall (which is anything but dry inside the wall now), and warping the baseboards... and tomorrow they think they can cover all that up with plaster and patches... there is mold growing on the baseboard where it has separated from the wall which is a clear sign that there is mold growing in the wall and jackson will let them cover it up tomorrow...

she knew i had to be at work from 7am the 11pm tomorrow and is either ignorant of the health risks of covering up a mold problem or just doesn't care about my health... or hers or the animals... that sucks... that really really sucks...

like i am going to sleep tonight... tomorrow is going to be a very rough day...

hope i survive...

fuck.

no sacrifice

been reading my favorite meg writer (as opposed to my favorite meg actress, no doubt), and after draining the dvr for all it's worth, listening to the current moody music mix (and the leaving toronto cd, elton's made in england joins in and jackson almost shared half of it which was surprisingly respectful and kind and sharing of her) as i lick more wounds and feel the wonderful feeling of giving beyond reason and sacrifice and all (but it's no sacrifice at all, ya know?)... ah, music, how i miss thee... you too...

it's a recentreminder of an ancient memory that is barely scratching the surface, but still touching... and telling... for those who hear... see me, feel me, touch me, heal me, ya know?... i'm free too...

narf :)

again with the limits

can't even give you the poop in peace here in blogger goggle land as the post limits demand eighteen character captcha entries so the catching up stops... meanwhile, here in the (e)thereal, life goes on busily within and all around and it was another expensive day thanks to my favorite spendaholic (so i celebrated with pickles, the almost new york deli that is relatively just around the corner, by car, at least)... yeah, so much for losing the weight, but then, i don't have a sexy new incentive to get under my skin, now do i?...

whatever all this means, i trust the light at the end of the tunnel won't burn our eyes before we can see what it illuminates... kind of a long wish, or fortune cookie kinda thought... may the light at the end of your tunnel not burn out your retinas before you see what it illuminates... dark humor, no doubt... it's one of those moods on one of those nights...

the apartment manager was not receptive... and the work will continue for several more weeks... this body does not like that idea at all from the aching neck to the aching back to the overall malaise... i requested a mold and air quality inspection which costs a lot, so we shall see if that motivates some reciprocation... sucks at home, work is still as good as work gets, so i focus on work life in my head where success and comfort and respect and healthiness is much more real and present than here at home... since i blog here at home, i don't blog much...

and that's the poop... narf :)

legaleaze

or legal sleaze, perhaps... anyway, i wrote the letter to the community manager rambling on about negligence and name dropping construction lawyers (who just happens to be the sponsor of my sunday softball team) and compensation and inspectors and costs and ultimately, i will take a 50% reduced rent for the time the interior construction is going on... or else... else being i consider the lawyer route or at the very least, i insist on an air-quality inspection and a mild inspection and assorted other costly inspections... most seriously, this poor sleeping is getting to the body and mind and health and soon, we hope, this physical discomfort must stop...

we shall see what the community manager, who has been on vacation and returns tomorrow, has to say... she's in a tough spot, no doubt, but so are we and she can go home to comfort each night and get another job... we are stuck here in a lease until next february and either endure for nothing or get compensation...

meanwhile, good day for softball, 3 for 3 with a single, double, and triple and several rbi and 3 runs scored... also gave up no earned runs and the biggest mouth (prima donna) on the team made most of the errors, again... we won 14-3, though it should have been a shut out but as usual, it was not... i forgive others their errors a lot more easily than mr prima donna who's attitude is poison on the team, but everyone continues to ignore it because he usually hits pretty well... anyway, everything else was fun...

lots more happened, one of these days i just may catch up again... until then...

narf :)

days slip by again

with the distraction of the construction inside and outside of my living space and the outer wall to my bedroom full of wholes and the bed and everything in the bedroom piled up against the opposite wall and living and sleeping uncomfortable in the living room for more than a week (and the back is hurting tonight), writing has not been on my mind much... that rarity is a sign of just how much the construction has intruded and how unhappy i am with the management here... every day since last week there is something different in the bedroom, more holes in the outer wall, more tape, more nails on the carpet - yes, nails left on the carpet of the bedroom...

remember last friday?... we locked the kids in the bedroom and the construction guys never did come into the apartment so i packed up the bedroom and put the mattresses up against the wall (and locked up the kids) for nothing... wtf?... typical of the delays and lack of respect... it was nerve-wracking to go away for the weekend and enjoy the softball tournament last weekend not knowing what they might be doing in our apartment... so i stopped thinking, shut down, and surely did not feel like writing...

one evening i got home late and the power was out in the bedroom and as i am trying to figure out why i find out they cut the wires in the apartment next door and the maintenance guy said they may have done that in my room as well... after a while i found my way to the circuit breakers and found they tripped the breaker to my room... so they are either incompetent or vindictive since i have complained about their mess outside and their disrespect and disregard for the people paying to live here (a neighbor is talking about a petition to ask for a free month's rent for our inconvenience since the construction for each apartment is taking a month or more)... anyway, i turned the lights on and realized how lucky i was as i found, inches from the base of the light and outlet i was trying to turn on in the dark, a board with a rusty nail sticking up ... they pulled off one of the baseboards and left it there, carelessly or intentionally, right where i could have stepped on it... i took pictures and called the police to file a report and have it on record... a lawyer would have a field day with the negligence if i actually did step on it in the dark... the owners are very lucky i am not looking to sue...

so it has been a frustrating distracting not-wanting-to-think or be here week...

but i still love you, so here are a few words...

narf :}

the suckage of renting

yeah, so i am still awake doing laundry and packing up stuff in my room and hiding stuff and making sure there is no reasonable reason for the workers that are invading my bedroom tomorrow to touch anything because the path to and the area around the window they are supposed to remove is clear for five or more feet in all directions... yeah, it's like moving out, but i will not have sweaty dirty strangers moving my clothes or anything else around in my bedroom... i get home tonight and see a letter in the door telling us they are coming in the apartment tomorrow to remove my bedroom window for a few hours... will i ever be comfortable in that bedroom again?... probably not... this is florida... you don't leave an old apartment exposed to the elements for hours... i expect bugs and moisture to move in and never leave... i already see water damage to the walls and carpet from holes they punched in the walls from the work they are doing on the outside... i found a three inch rusty nail on my bedroom floor...

so why am i not sleeping?... burning deep inside... and hungry... ate very little today again... lots of carrots... vitamins and red yeast rice capsules (for the blood pressure... no, i have not taken the drugs they gave me... next week i should see about making appointments for the other specialists though... gonna be lighter, that's for sure... hopefully i will also be alive...

went with jackson to her therapist tonight... they say it went well... i thought it went well... the car made it up to 24.3 mpg... still sucks for the model... lemon?... we shall hope for a better second tank mpg... not taking the car to tampa... learned it is not good for the car in the first 1000k... more about all of this next week when i get back...

believe...

narf :)

feeling violated

and betrayed... i said it over and over... i've got to move boxes before anyone works in my room... over and over... i've got to prepare my room before anyone works in there... again and again... i've got to...

and jackson let one of the siding guys into my room... she moved boxes and he taped walls and i don't live there anymore... there is white pieces of popcorn ceiling sprinkled over my bed and other places... and the carpet saw it's first shoes as i do not wear shoes in my bedroom... and the disarray is visceral... don't know where i'm sleeping now... don't know how long it will take to give in to fatigue and sleep on that bed... two hours sleep yesterday... three the night before... don't know which boxes are clean clothes and which boxes are dirty clothes so i've got to stay up as long as i can doing laundry tonight and tomorrow night so i have clean clothes for the tampa tournament which i will arrive at with less sleep than i've had in years... who cares... every obstacle and challenge possible in surviving and getting healthier (optimally) and . . .

. . .

and so tired...

still not asleep

i know, ridiculous... two hours at most... sleep, that is... i want to be at work early and this night was not a night for sleeping... maybe it was shawn white... or the red yeast and garlic... or the softball... or the emotional sharing... or the lack of food... or the dog (he seems to wake in the middle fo the night and comes out to the living room when i am awake and he is obviously not comfortable either itchy or something... he needs me to sleep too)... alas, no masterfully clever entries, not profound wisdoms, no complex word-plays, no simple laughter, just a sigh and a wish for more time (and the usual self-mockery {self-deprecating?} humors) in the day (nothing new here, at all)...

still, a few or more entries were uploaded tonight (anything worth reading?... i dunno, you tell me)... and there is happiness trotting out from the bedroom to drink water and start his nightly complaints and moaning/whining and begging for attention... i should let myself fall asleep tomorrow night so maybe he will too... with a softball tournament coming up this weekend, i definitely need more sleep... but tomorrow i want to go to the batting cages after work... and thursday i will be going with jackson to the cages and to her doctor... and friday we leave for tampa right after work... and i must do laundry before we leave... and i have work to do at work...

time for bed, two hours sleep, please?...

nite narf :)

work stuff

so while i was out playing softball one of the staff at work called me with a complaint and said she already called my boss and was about to call the complaint hotline and others claiming nothing is being done about her complaint... i didn't even know her name (had to look it up on the work server) which tells me she has not introduced herself and has not made an impression on me by speaking up at meetings (she is one of 95 staff and works evenings) or in any other way been friendly as i made rounds... and this is the first time i am hearing that she has a complaint and she was not specific other than to say she was being harrassed (how?... and who did you tell?... and why go to my boss and corporate before even letting me know you are not happy?... i'll ask her tomorrow by text as she works evenings and i do not want to set a precedent of calling staff at home...

so i spent time exploring the staff in the files online and saw she used some big works in a very positive comment to an evaluation that was not so great and included a performance improvement plan requiring some clear criteria to stay employed (yet she praised her supervisor and expressed major appreciation for the opportunity to work with us)... yeah, instead of sleeping...

busy and very early day tomorrow, should sleep, right...

narf :)

softball returns

subbed-in as pitcher for a friend's team and after walking the first batter (only walk), i settled down and struck out a couple and gave up just one earned run, fielded well, hit poorly (just one hit, a triple, in three at bats and two rbi and one run scored), coached third during our big seven run inning - pushing runners to take extra bases that causes several errors - it feels good when i coach successfully) and we won 11-3... they were satisfied with my performance... and it was on my favorite fields (two asa umpires, scorekeepers, scoreboards with countdown clocks, more perks), right around the corner from here... wish i could find a permanent spot on a team there... i may head out there more evenings to see the level of play and see if i can meet someone who might need a pitcher...

and when i got home jackson was doing dishes instead of sleeping and she needed to talk and we had a seriously heavy talk and it turned out very well and we feel closer than ever with deeper trust and respect and we hugged a lot and then she went to bed and i am/was still wired from softball and the emotional talk and not eating (or rather, not eating heavy... i had no breakfast, a granola bar for lunch, and carrots and two yogurts for dinner... a few ounces of coffee just before the game to wake up (i was up for 16 hours and am not sleeping more than 6 hours lately) and when i eat lean i am not nearly as sleepy so here we are and continue...

watching the olympics... don't want food cuz i want to drop weight... not hungry either... changing habits, getting serious about losing weight, but the body needs sleep... still more to say...

narf :)

office painting

so i made a lot of rounds, inspected the property with the maintenance supervisor, identified lots of work order i will put in tomorrow (when i get my office and computer back), took a ride in the new car, explored the area around work, talked with clients and staff a lot, and did assorted other out of office things...

probably more... maybe i'll remember later...

narf :)

the new car

i wrote to toyota about the new car for a few reasons... instead of sleeping... yeah, fool i be, but these things were on my mind and i didn't think of them today at work... in case you want to know, this is what i wrote to toyota:

First I want to say that Sylvester Cole is an exemplary representative of Toyota and provided me with outstanding sales experience and follow-up. I will be calling him tomorrow in regard to these questions, but I also wanted to ask here in case I don't have time to call.

1a. Does my 2014 Toyota Corolla S Plus need any specific actions or driving style in order to optimize the engine, transmission, brakes, and other mechanical parts?

1b. I am planning a trip of several hundred miles and my Corolla has 250 miles on it. Should I use another car to make the trip or modify my driving (speed, RPMs, etc) in any way?

2. I have seen 22.5 mph for the first 250 miles in mixed city/highway conditions with minimal traffic. I am driving so that the "ECO" indicator is is almost always on. I have used the air-conditioner or heat (i am still learning the "auto" feature) about 50% of the driving time. I am concerned that the mpg is so low. Is this common for a brand new Corolla S Plus?

In the past few months I have rented a Nissan Altima, VW Jetta Wagon, Mazda 6, and Honda Civic. With each I drive the same way I am driving my new Corrolla and found at least an average of 29-31 mpg with mixes city/highway driving.

Thank you for your time and answers. Feel free to respond by email or call.

hopefully i will get an answer before we leave on friday...

diet, exercise, pills (pushers)

that's what the medical profession is about and i've certainly found a doctor totally part of that medical industry pushing pills better than any junkie maker on the street... so i've got boxes of free pills and urging to take them and no discussion of the potential side effects at all... how corrupt the physicians have become... deluded into believing the magic pills are the way to fix the body because that is what the insurance company wants, so slap diagnosis labels on as fast as you can so the insurance company will pay and then push the pills as much as possible so the pharmaceutical companies will pay... money makes the world go around... nothing new here, keep moving along...

the madness of it all is that the pill that is supposed to lower blood pressure has a side effect of raising glucose levels so you need a pill that lowers sugar levels and that pill raises cholesterol levels so you need a pill to lower cholesterol levels and that pill (or the combination) destroys your liver and/or kidneys so you need more pills to help your kidneys and liver survive (survive the poison pills by taking more poison pills) and those pills have other side effects (like all the commercials say, tell your doctor if you have thoughts of suicide and so, the cycle continues that puts more and more money into the pockets of the doctors, the insurance company, and the big pharmaceutical companies... oh, and the funeral homes, let's not forget them...

no push for diet or exercise, just a sheet with basic nutrition on it... no incentive to diet or exercise, just take the pills... the more i think about it, the more i want to find another doctor who is not pushing pills... my insurance company will probably not want to pay for me to find another doctor, so i will pay myself...

that's what life's all about...

narf...

sucks to make late reservations

so somehow the evening turned into the night and i am still awake... again... i was doing something and the laptop froze and whatever i was doing was erased into the whatever of cyberspace and i've got to turn to the second page of history just to get a clue of where i was cuz the past few hours were spent searching for a place to stay for the softball tournament this weekend and all the decent inexpensive places are gone so it's $250 for 2 nights and we have our fingers crossed that it isn't a seedy place (never can tell online no matter what the reviews say)... we won't be spending much time there, but still, don't want bed bugs or other bugs or smells or whatever, ya know?... and no crime please, i'll be driving my new car on a long trip for the first time...

the team is all staying in different places, some team... if jackson wasn't going i really would have no one to stay with... so jackson and i will be staying on our own and meeting the team at the field and whatever happens happens... i'm not sure why these guys stay together or keep me around other than the fact that i am one of the better pitchers in the league, but it sure would be more fun if we were a team... we are of different worlds, i suppose...

anyway, into the night we go once again... and narf, lots of narf :)

famous in the sixties

this guy was at berkeley in the sixties getting his graduate degree in some sort of engineering and taking photos and as the website shows, he's also into creating music... a computer geek before the word geek was coined, he got bored with saving the world and created the first wysiwyg html software program and moved to nova scotia (where the lox comes from)... eventually he found his way back to the san francisco area (perhaps he left his heart there) and lives on an island in the bay...

this entry was going somewhere (like he ain't heavy, man), but then it got lost... if it's ever found (what's that brother?), i'll be sure to let us know...

narf :)

yeah, still awake

this is real time... and work is tomorrow (later) and i have a 9am doctor's appointment and i am still awake... so i spent the last four hours or so organizing mail, yes, that again... this time i opened outlook and now my less spammed more private email that some of you have goes there, sorted, filtered, and accessible, even... if i remember to open outlook... and you probably noticed yet another invite to the blog family blog... i'll just keep inviting you until i can't anymore... it's the way i am, remember?... i also linked my two gmail accounts on google so many i have access to both there with one login... i haven't figured out it i do yet though... fatigue is winning the cognitive battle... though happiness just woke and is going rather nuts scratching himself...

meanwhile, there are thirty tabs are open in the browser... a few car manuals, mostly stuff i searched for for jackson and she went to bed before i could talk to her about them... hopefully tomorrow...

nite nite :)

answers are good things

even when they are not the answer hoped for, answers are good things, especially when an answer is wanted... answers bring closure and peace to a mind unsettled by questions... and while i have not found all the answers we seek tonight (perhaps some are still blowing in the wind, aye?), i did find my answer to why the phone won't connect to the laptop via bluetooth... this model doesn't come with bluetooth... it would be nice if the computer knew that instead of leading me to a bluetooth folder and bluetooth utilities when i search for bluetooth on the laptop... of course the utilities didn't work, there's no bluetooth on the laptop... toshiba is willing to sell an adapter for under $30, but it dook me more than an hour of trying the utilities and searching just to know i needed one... silly toshiba, wasting my time... and money...

technology... can't live with it, can't live... both are lies, actually... so anyway, i did not get the usb cable i needed tonight cuz jackson wasn't in the mood to ride around and i wasn't gonna push beyond the lowe's stop we made... i need two, actually, one for data transfer to the laptop and one for the car (two for the show, three to get ready and... anyway)... and the cheap charger i bought jackson for her phone dead (so much for a $7 charger) so she needs an electronic thing too... could even get a bluetooth adapter for the laptop, maybe... sure, spend more money... where did i put that money tree again? lol... laughing all the way to the poor house, are we?... anyway, she wasn't thinking much while we were out... headache and blues will do that... i suppose i could ride out to the 24 hour walmart... the neck is draining me of motivation...

so what in the world are you up to tonight?...

narf? :)

jackson's blues

alone hurts when you're unsure of yourself, when all you want to be is loved by someone else... alone hurts, when old friends die, when all you want to know is why - and you can only cry... and it does not matter how beautiful you are inside if you don't know it... it doesn't matter what anyone says . . . on another night, that might be a song... tonight though, neck aches are in the way... the title refers to it being a tough weekend for jackson... she's dealing with the death of a friend who was younger than she is... sudden death, causes unknown, which makes it even more unresolved and challenging for her especially because she does not deal with death well at all... anxiety is way high... depression too... and today was the funeral... so all of my excitement about buying the new car is not even scratching the surface of her blues this weekend... alas, a bad weekend to buy the car and yet, i can still enjoy the new toy by myself even as i console her... even more challenging is the fact that after sitting around the house most of the time for the last six weeks her coping skills have been strained to the max... she's feeling useless and helpless and all those things that come with losing physical independence for many weeks... no way to help her much with that, in fact, anything i do for her just reminds her of how dependant she's been... so this weekend has a good mixture for a recipe of how to feel like crap...

and tomorrow is the sour icing on the crappy cake... she's going back to church for the first time in many weeks and is torn on many levels, in big part because it will be the first time she sees sanford since their breakup and she does not deal that well... another reason to spend a lot of today crying... she knows, intellectually, that she and sanford are not right for each other, but the first public showing of the break-up will be extremely challenging for her... especially since she rediscovered her enjoyment of her faith at a different church today and realizes that she does not get that sort of come to jesus stuff at her current church (which accepts everyone, including atheists in the congregation... did i ever mention sanford was an atheist?... yeah, torn is my best friend on so many levels this weekend and she is even more torn by realizing how torn she has been for so long and how much she gives up of herself for love)... wish i could help, but i can only give her support and remind her that she is beautiful and very worth knowing and has a gazillion wonderful strengths and qualities that have great value (and she needs no one to be who she is)... she must find her answers inside herself...

we did go for a ride in my new car tonight, so she was my first passenger after buying the car... didn't go far, she wan't into it... we stopped at toojays for dinner and headed home... she went to bed and here we are, alone again, naturally...

and if my neck was not hurting, it would be a wonderful night for babble... and rhyme...

yummy lunch and tv

this is one way to spend a rainy day alone... i cooked up a ribeye steak and it turned out rather excellently, broiled in six different sauces, garlic, and a smoky spice mix... sweet potato pancakes and a salad were the sides... so yes, it was not the healthiest meal i could have chosen to make, but it was balanced and an delicious and yummy and while sharing it would have been sweet, sharing it would have also meant cooking twice as much and i almost was too lazy to cook what i did cook, so savoring myself is cool too... the tv is playing sci-fi channel stuff... stuff i wouldn't cry over if i missed mostly because the stories are way way waaaaaay too slow moving and so much like a soap opera i've got to fast forward through stories, not just commercials, and unless i am falling asleep, i am usually writing or doing something else (like cooking, cleaning, eating, and so on) while the tv is on, but these shows are something to pass the time of day... so far today has seen helix, being human, lost girl and still up on the dvr is elementary, castle, intelligence, csi, ncis, psych, criminal minds some sports and other stuff and a few other shows too...

life is like this sometimes, alone, i mean... i've gotten used to it, but i'd still rather be sharing...

narf :)

another rainy day

temperatures outside are in the low 50s and it is a steady light rain (with occasional heavier rain) so it's no fun being outdoors and on a saturday around here, it's definitely no fun driving with saturday drivers in the rain (saturdays are bad enough around here without the rain)... i could take a ride into the country... it would only take ten or fifteen minutes to get out where there is less traffic, but still, i don't want to push the test drives for the first time on a wet surface... i will head out in a little while though, the urge to drive the new car is much stronger than any whimpy caution or other more real obstacles lol lam...

for the moment i'll catch up on some of the shows added to the dvr this week... what sucks most about the rain (and the rain all week) is the construction on the building is in mid-process so there is no siding on any side of the building and all that is trying to keep out the rain is some building cover material imperfectly nailed and duct taped around the building... so far we have not had to (cuz we sit around in long sleeve sweats), but using the heat to keep out the chill will raise the monthly bills that i pay and that's frustrating, but it's the potential water damage and moisture and long term mold mildew in the inner walls without outer walls on the building that really frustrates me... and then there is the florida insect population moving in and the longer there are no outside walls, the better chance of ants, roaches, termites, and whatever to build nests in the walls, especially when it's chillier outside... the good news is that it is not summer (or spring or fall) so the bugs are not quite as active, but still, it's an old building and it is getting wet on the inside... i've got to get the insecticide out and mixed and into the walls...

anyway, it's time for lunch... anybody wanna join me? :)

blue in the tooth

a little sad (though laughing at the bluegtooth reference) cuz i have not been able to connect my phone and computer for a while cuz i need a new cable cuz my cable is at work cuz that's how i charge my phone there and i have not been able to connect my phone to the computer by bluetooth (now you get it? lol lam nyuk :)

the phone connected to the car in a snap and all my contacts are in the car now and i can call someone just by saying their name (omigosh, i've forgotten how much i love new technology and the extra money to get all that new tech in the car was so worth it (fingers crossed that nothing goes wrong, buti did buy the 10 year coverage that is supposed to pay for anything that does) and so yay for the car and phone but boo for the computer and phone... i need a new laptop anyway as this one is three years old or so and still has the wonky sucky windows vista on it as you probably know if you've read my complaints... still bouncing around about the car so no worries, the euphoria will last and override any sadness for days, at least :)

yay for new toys :)

reading the manuals

cuz nobody is bouncing up and down with me all excited to drive around in the new car... jackson is finally able to drive so she went out on a date last night instead of enjoying my new car with me the first night i had it and today she has a funeral for a friend, which is sad and has her bummed and grumpy and preoccupied so the universe did not choose the best weekend for her for me to buy a new car but i bought it finally cuz i could no longer use hers and wanted to give her back her car with it as good as new which is why we took it to the car dealership to get all sorts of maintenance done (tune up, oil change, belts changed, alignment, balancing, rotation, full servicing and more... almost $900 in service work which ultimately helped with the sales and financing for my new car because i pointed out that we now have two toyotas and obviously spend money to take care of them {and service and extras is how dealerships make their money much more than the little profit they make on the car sale itself} and jackson will probably be looking for a place to buy a new car in the next year or two and all that good negotiating stuff) and i really don't feel like calling too many others (helena knows but she has family in town and is busy all day and night) and harpo knows (but he can be such a worry wart and spent our brief telephone conversation cautioning me about using the right oil and not liking the dealership i went to, but that's ok, i don't like the dealership he goes to {and we both have toyotas} so it balances out) and happiness and curious know but i don't think i want my first passengers to be a wet dog and cat with muddy paws and it is a chilly nasty raining day out there, so i am enjoying myself by myself as usual (alone again, naturally)...

the little sad doesn't last long when i start reading the car manual and sitting in the car exploring all the toys ya know...

yay for new toys :)

the car business

so who got the business at the car dealership... maybe i did... we started with the car on the lot and when i finally decided which one i wanted to buy, we started talking financing... the sticker price was around (yeah, i forgot to ask for the sticker and they didn't give it to me) $25,000... or more... hey, the model i chose had almost everything in it, after all... and then the negotiations began... hour after hour, the game was played... gears turned, pressure was applied, i almost had the assistant general manager and finance guy (or whatever he might be called... he was going crazy trying to contact banks and hide the screen from me until he realized he had to come clean and showed me all the screens and worked and worked and worked... ultimately his job was to sell me the extended warranty and other extra stuff so the dealership could make money... ultimate he gave me everything he was selling for less than the original cost of the first offer without all the extra stuff he was selling... in the end, i got the actual cost of the vehicle down to $18,365... toyota does not have all of the options i've got listed but this is as close as i can get on their site... mine has more... serious discount just to get me to buy $3000 worth of extra... ultimately, the initial offer was about $28,500 total including everything (and all finance charges(... after agreeing to buy the extra $3000 worth of extra warranty and insurance packages, the end total was $27,500... it took him doing some major work with the banks and major cuts in the car cost and in the end, i pay less than the original offer and get a 10 year full car warranty and insurance that covers the finance charges, among other odds and ends...

and that's the car business...

narf :)

yesterday revisited

i mean this, which is that now, but was this yesterday, or even now... last night, perhaps?... when?... where is the reason or rhyme... where is the question?... what is the question... what?... yes... and who's on first...

oh but seriously (as opposed to head seriously, perhaps?), i thank you for your caring, your comments, your communications, you reminded me i am not alone... and you understand that some nights just feel more alone that others... and expressing it as i did (again and again, apparently), and while i feel kinda sorta big time alone right now, it's not as much cuz i am soon to be much rewarded today with food and a new car (we'll get to that) and excitement for me and for jackson and jackson will give me almost the whole day (cuz i will be spending a lot more money on her today) as we will start very early by taking her to her doctor's appointment and then we will to get my lab work done and hopefully the results i get monday will make my fast worth it and finally i will be able to eat so we will go to first watch and ate some standard us yummies (i will have eggs and a mushroom melt and hash browns and english muffin and orange juice and jackson will have an omelette and similar stuff though without the mushrooms) and then we will go to the dvm to get jackson's driver's license reinstated (ticket not paid, procrastination not good) and then we will go to a toyota dealer to get jackson's car serviced and then, finally, i will take car shopping seriously and then, hours later, i will sign dozens of times and own a new 2014 toyota corolla s plus with the full driver's convenience package (lots of toys) and the only thing missing was the heated seats, but this is florida, remember?... they don't sell air conditioned seats for the corolla, nyuk nyuk...

yeah, all that will happen today (i am prognosticating, aye?... no, actually, i am catching up in the future tense, but shhhhh, you can believe i a psychic) so between then and now and later there may be entries written after this one cuz the excitement is exploding and it is dark and chilly and rainy and wet outside and it is not the time i want to drive my brand new car (did i mention it had 9 miles on it when i first sat in it?) so i am home bubbling over with so very much joyous giggles and bouncing and fun stuff spinning through my head...

and these are the nights i feel so alone

getting home from a 16 hour day, or was it longer, when i organized and managed and pushed myself to limits on every level adding fasting the entire day to the mix of challenges and realizing i need to wake in six hours to run around a very long day from doctors (jacksons) to license renewal (jacksons) to lab work (mine) to car shopping (mine) to other things jackson is gonna wanna do to finding some food and maintaining the weight loss mind set to looking ahead to a very busy weekend to knowing i must find time for sleep for the body and the mind and the best chance of getting a decent car deal and the road goes on forever and it would be so nice to have someone to share this push cuz if i die alone, who cares...

i know you care... and jackson cares... sheesh, jackson would freak out if i died... i don't know what she would do, she couldn't make it financially without a lot of help and emotionally, she'd likely shut down and try to find someone to love her... or she'd finally stand up on her own... so am i in her way, enabling her, great, just what i need right now, a conscience that sees the infinite possibilities...

and there is no food tonight... must fast for the blood work... must get some sleep... but it's the kind of lonely that wants me to be awake to suffer it... laughing as i do... dang fool understanding, makes it so challenging to just give up and die...

chilly rainy night... once upon a time i would have gone out running challenging the body to push even closer to it's limits, much much closer, and either live or die... is not doing that getting old or just finally finding some common sense... laughing at myself has become my greatest defense if you believe in yourself you'll never die... whatever, perhaps cha cha cha and a very wonderous alrighty to all of you too... cuz, after all, when all is said and done... you're such a lovely audience...

the neck does not want me to babble... but the mind, mind control, on and on...

narf :)

wow, so many entries unnoticed

even the spambots did not find many of the january catch up entries, alas, so i can only hope somebody someday returns to read them for they are the trees falling in the forest of blogs, literally (kinda, i mean, if this blog was printed and each entry was a page, that would be part of a tree and if the page was never read, that would be a part of a tree that fell and was never heard, never noticed... but ooooo, such sounds they all make)...

so many entries unfinished too...

narf :)

sudden strangers

there are people i say hello to regularly online and offline... some respond and we share something more than hello... like the how are you and what's going on and so on... some share more, most do not... that is the way it is with humans, at least in my experience... i've come to accept it without lament or sadness most of the time... though an underlying sadness over the unfulfilled potential of humanity is not ignored as it is reality from my perspective... whether it is knowing too much or believing too much or creating too much hope, it's part of me... i sigh and move along in the moments, for the moments are all there is (even when we bring memories or dreams into them)...

sometimes some who share lots, who are friends or lovers or both or closer (and family of all sorts), just go silent... they seem to fall off the face of the earth and get lost in the wherever they might be... i wish them well and hope they return to catch up someday... the saddest cut of all though is the connections that remain, those who have the means to share but choose not to for their own reasons... and one day we look around and seem surprised we've become sudden strangers... it is the realization that is sudden, of course, but it still comes as a shock at times... some of you are out there and i hope you find your way to sharing in some way again soon...

don't be a sudden stranger, be here now (your now is now :)

narf :)

does the delight come through?

most of the time there is so much delight during and especially after an entry... even the most whiny complaining or frustrated entries... even the worst negative emotions and expressions bring with them the delight of release... the delight of letting go of the negativity and finding some balance... much of the time in this life i am enjoyed a wonderfully balanced peace and happiness and when i am not, i am on the way to peace and happiness, always... and knowing that... and doing that... and experiencing that... and writing it all out... that's simply wonderfully delightful... and sometimes i wonder how much of that delight gets through the words to you...

yeah, i wonder... in thousands of blog entries before this one... in the more than 5,500 blog entries in this blog alone... i wonder how much of the delight really comes through...

aye? :)

not sleeping with animals

so instead of writing myself to sleep last night, the kids came out of the bedroom wide awake and instead of waking their momma, found me nodding off on the couch after a wonderfully refreshing catch up session (though definitely incomplete) and would not let me sleep... happiness might not have been feeling well... not sure if he ate something he should not have eaten, but he definitely was acting like he got into some meat or spice as he drank his entire bowl of water and then had more after i refilled it and his bladder was so full he was frantic to get to the grass to let it out... much more frantic than his usual frantic... jackson sleeps deep in her white noise so his whimpering and moaning and scratching only wakes her when he is on the bed or when she wakes to pee or something, so tonight he came to me... my bed is lower to the ground and so is the couch and i can be found sleeping on either most of the time... due to his aging miscles and bones, he no longer jumps up on beds, especially not jackson's which is higher than mine... curious just sat watching his distress after she got tire of playing with her toys... anyway, so much for not sleeping with animals...

he seems ok now...

the kids are wide awake

yeah, it's 3:11am and the kids are wide awake... curious is scratching and playing with her toys and happiness is drinking water like he's been lost in a desert (maybe he had a dream of being lost in a desert) and making odd sounds and walking in circles like it's morning and he is expecting to be walked immediately... we are supposed to be sleeping, remember?... meanwhile, i am sitting here in the dark not making a sound as i have been for the past three hours... the energy, perhaps, or awakening... the zen, perhaps... and the right ear itches... a red spot was noticed deep inside, perhaps on the drum, after it was flushed... it was not clear whether it was caused by the flush or was caused due to the impaction... hopefully infection doesn't follow (i've known too many ear infections in my time and they suck)... anyway, we all have dhyāna of sorts... or so i hope... thinking in devanagari, perhaps... or perhaps it's just my samadhi, even... i'd like a samadhi and cheese on an onion rool please... yeah, i know, i can be ridiculous at times... it's my samadhi and i'll do with it as i please...

well, alrighty then
... i'll get him outside before he explodes... so much for my profound meditative babbling catching session up or subitism, aye?... ommmmmmm... lol lam lal laa...

narf :)

alrighty then... ok, then, even

all caught up and no place to go... or is that all caught up and no one to read?... oh stop, i know you are out there... and we know that i should not be flaunting being caught up just yet cuz a dozen or so (at least) of the catch up entries (especially tonight's leap from here to here ya know) over the past five or six or more weeks are simply, well, not worth mentioning (no less flaunting)... but this is now, real time, actually the first moment making the time date stamp accurate in many weeks and it feels quite odd and almost celebratory, no matter how ordinary it truly is (or how depressing the previous entry may be or become, aye?... shhhh, let's enjoy it while we can)... so anyway, how the heck are we?...

what can i say?... don't let the parade pass you by?... tomorrow will be better?... really?... trust the links and click and read and click again and read again and make wonder and excitement and amazing in your mind?...

make wonder your friend
make excitement your brother
make amazing your sister
and make love your mother
make wisdom your father
make passion your god
make zen your master
and don't make it hard

yeah, so what's zen, anyway?... lol lam lal laa... what's new? :)

narf :)

gee wiz, everybody

somewhere in that title may be a character from the simpsons, perhaps the doctor... not that i saw the doctor today, no, i walked into the walk-in clinic that is where the doctor i chose after hours of trying to find a doctor among the doctors listed on my insurance website and finding that the first five or six doctors i chose were no longer at the number or location listed (a fine way to start, insurance company... shall i have blind faith confidence in your ratings of doctors the way i am supposed to have blind faith confidence in the medical profession when you can't even maintain an up-to-date database of doctors?... anyway, after finally choosing a doctor and wading through the automated recordings and pushing the buttons on my phone, i made an appointment... i could have had an appointment for tomorrow morning, which might have been a clue that this doctor was not very busy, but as my schedule was booked for tomorrow and the doctor was not in on friday, i made an appointment for monday morning... and then i decided not to wait to take care of unclogging my ears...

yes, my ears clogged up to the point of frustrating hearing loss which happens every few years when i finally try to clean my ears myself... this body is an ear wax producing machine and no amount of careful cleaning or rinsing of the ear canals is gonna irrigate enough to keep the canals from eventually getting clogged so every year or so i really need to have them professionally irrigated and so i decided to call the doctor's office and find out whether they take walk-in patients and if they can irrigate an ear... they said yes over the phone... they are open seven days and upon arriving i see that the doctor i chose actually was one of two doctors running a walk-in clinic... hmmmm, have i become a number in a medical industry revolving door?... so i saw five people... a receptionist who did the paperwork thing, am unidentified girl who took my vitals, an MA (whatever that means) who took some information (and ultimately irrigated my ears), a PA who took more information and played the role of the doctor, and a billing person who said no charge for today... they were alarmists when they saw my blood pressure was high and both the MA and PA urged me to take a psychotropic medication... klonopin, used in psychiatric hospitals (with lots of warnings and disclaimers and monitoring) for bipolar disorder, seizure control, and other perception and mood altering reasons (stop talking klonopin if you feel the urge to kill yourself after taking klonopin... sure, that right there is reassuring enough to take it to lower blood pressure, right?... freakin medical industry seems to have lost any sense of rational logic)... am i ranting?...

anyway, they brought in the MA to double-urge me and warn me and document my double-refusal of klonopin cuz their lawyers tell them they better do that or i might sue them (note i was there with the primary complaint that i could not hear them and actually could not hear them as they ran in circles around my blood pressure) and then irrigated my ears and sent me on my way (i thanked them for my hearing and told them i look forward to meeting my doctor monday... i wonder if he will be as alarmed and panicked and drug-pushing as the people i met today were)... interestingly, they gave me very skimpy paperwork and no HIPAA paperwork to sign... the typical no real patient relationship walk-in clinic rush... i mean, it was great to be seen and in and out so quickly (i was screened and getting my ears flushed before i completed my new patient paperwork), but i am hoping the first meeting of my new primary care doctor is not so rushed (i am already considering getting a second opinion, primarily because i am looking for a doctor who takes a holistic approach after taking the time to get a detailed history of a patient's medical history, lifestyle, personality, and preferences and not just the skimpiest of screenings of medical history)...

in other words (to all medical professionals), if you want to treat someone with high blood pressure, then calm the fuck down!... i mean, that is what you want the patient's body to do, right?... slow down, relax, and stop being a drug pusher...

narf :)

. . . . .

life, death, whatever

(never mind the time) this is where you reach me, if you want to reach me, if you want to communicate... this is where you find me, if you want to find me, if you do before it's too late... i am slowly dying, you are slowly dying, we are slowly dying, it's life great?... that is just what life is, on the way to death is, where we are and we can call it fate... whatever, what does it matter, we can ignore it, we can lament... we can condemn it, we can embrace it, we can worship it, we can celebrate... we can believe in gods that have all of the answers, we can find comfort in anything we choose... we can just be here now in this experience... we can accept... we can refuse... we can see life as a gift or we can see life as paying our dues... it ends when it ends, win or lose, silently unknown or in the news...

and if you found me here along the way, well the you know, love it all and fuck it all and laugh at everything is what i say... that is, embrace, accept, and enjoy everything along the way...

narf, ok? :)

lost day (sort of)

didn't get much done... lost in the under-water bubble feeling that clogged ears brings when they get too clogged... need a medical professional to flush it... challenging day trying to find one i might trust though... off to see the gizzard now...

narf :}

maybe skimping a bit (or a lot)

depending on perspective (and memory... and future fill-ins) i may be skimping on entries a bit these past many weeks during this catch up session...

maybe :)

long day, right ear

tough day... challenged by the DON who appears to want to stir up trouble and point fingers and blame others whenever she feels inadequate or screws up and does not want to own up to it... and the ears are majorly clogged... and moving and unpacking the office... i'll tell you all about it another time, maybe...

not so narf...

something more

something will appear, i almost promise...

see?

changes

respect, convenience, logic, insecurity (mine?), something... moved offices, dude's idea (spontaneous name for my vp boss that may or may not stick)... makes sense... but i am a little insecure about it hoping she is ok with it as i now have the power office and she is in the cubby hole... a matter of perspective perhaps as she is now in the more private office that can only be reached by walking through others offices and mine is one of those... we shall see how it plays out... stay positive... even on the awkward or challenging days, aye?...

narf :}

and so i visited facebook

just a brief visit to find a link to a video by her that jackson asked me to download for her and it was interesting... naked appearing children in devil costumes dancing around the singer while she repeats i will dance on your grave one day... very odd.... even odder that jackson asked for it... based on the responses to her facebook post i am guessing the song dates back to her marching band days... anyway, i downloaded the song and sent it to jackson and it is still an odd somg amd video and probably somewhat erotic to pedophiles... i wonder if it is intended to be a fuck you song to an ex or a party song to celebrate the life of someone not afraid to die... hoping got the later, in spite of the pedophiles...

hey, what can i say, it's facebook lol... and if you don't get the joke (or have gaps in your sense of humor, in other words, find some things have no humor potential at all, alas, i can only hope you open your mind one day and get past your fears and judgments and whatever else is clogging you up... mental laxatives, everybody needs one now and then)... anyway, maybe maybe this makes sense to someone...

narf :)

superbowls

enjoyed the superbowl from the perspective of loving the city of seattle and wanting to live near there one day, but otherwise it was a sad day for one of the greatest quarterbacks who ever played the game, a quarterback that history will asterisk as one who does not win the big game... yeah, he has one superbowl win... but he has twp superbowl losses and a record twelve playoff losses, most by any quarterback... he's had the bad lucky of playing in the time of brady, who used to own him, but he still does not seem to be able to handle the big games... his teams don't seem to handle the big games well either with many foolish mistakes helping, receivers who don't know which direction to run, penalties by a defense that does not tackle well when it matters most, and a few poor calls by the referees, but what matters most is - does the quarterback does not rally his team when it counts... in this case, the answer is no much more often than it is yes... on the other hand, the best defense in football played like the best defense in football and took advantage of every mistake the best offense in football made... four times in superbowl history the best defense played the best offense and all four times the defense won...

meanwhile, in the interest of complete disclosure about superbowls, the food was good and plentiful and after indulging all night during the game, the toilet is clogged... i mean mine at home... i mean by me alone... the first huge dump almost clogged it but the second, well, yes the second dump that asked to come out just fifteen minutes after the first was bigger (in volume, though not in width... i did mention full disclosure... not every detail is measured even by eye though, so i suppose we can consider ourselves lucky, aye?) than the first... phew and all that... we might say that at least in the case of my bathroom tonight, unlike the game, there was no defense to stop this offense...

yeah, superbowls, what did you expect? :)

upsy downy

fatigue, map, headache or sorts perhaps... rhymes cry out, who listens... words cry out, who hears...

maybe tomorrow...

narf :)

fill this in later

cuz i am determined to leave a legacy of rambling moments, after all, even when i did not stop to do it (or smell the roses) every moment along the way... i do, even when i am not recording it... recording it, that reminds me (record of a life, who cares, and assorted other blogs, ok?... yeah, thanks for the reminder, i'll get right to that when i get back to this... if i don't die first, aye?... he may never return, he may never return ... how did that song go again? ... not the song that never ends again ... what?)...

lol lam lal laa...

narf :)

long day (of many, no doubt)

this entry (i mean this entry, actually) has links to some of the highlights and lowlights and light lights and heavy too that has slipped into the mix over the past weeks that started off this year... at least as of that particular date stamp... i suppose i somehow found the time and motivation that i did not have in this prior entry, so go figure...

meanwhile, back to the moment (whenever this is), today was a long day... just didn't feel right since wake up... the body did not get enough rest and i could feel it fighting off the bugs floating around (jackson has a cough-cold too and i am hoping it does not find the flu)... i feel much better now and had a good evening, but it was tough all day... still was finally able to clear my bed and jackson did a wash for me so i have pants and shirts for work for this week... still have at least five or six or more loads of wash to do, but surviving on the home front...

the wonderful life continues, even on the long days...

narf :)

keeping up with the time

it just keeps moving past, or perhaps we are moving through it, but it just keeps changing, or at least that is our perception of it... time... did we learn this perception or is it really a constantly changing experience... wonder when that question and others like it will be answered... and whether, when that much more knowledge and awareness is finally a real part of human consciousness, whether we will still be asking god for answers when it finally is... the more we know, the more we know that there is more to know... but the unknown only remains the unknown when we stop asking the right questions and when we stop seeking asnwers in ways we can experience them with sensitivity and awareness we have in the moment of asking... perhaps someday we will understand the universe without needing physical proof of what is and is not... and then, who knows what we will call the energy and all we know... and just as amusing to me, who knows what we will call all we still won't know even then...

today was a reasonably restful day with waves of stress a bit more than usual... highs (food, friends, movies, new friend with possibilities for love for jackson) and lows (bad drivers, minor car damage, friction as i continue to try to pull jackson out of adolescence cuz it undermines her relationships and leaves her feeling helpless and depressed, the aging animals, and a chilly rain that is delaying the apartment renovations that is leaving us in a cluttered limbo way longer than we hoped)... jackson went out with a new friend and enjoyed that and she's out with work friends now and i may or may not be picking her up in a little while... happiness is slowing down more these days, alas, aging is a tough thing to watch (as work has proven lately with one of our family dying this month, though it was sixteen days after being discharged to hospice and not in our care) and another may be going to hospice in the next few weeks and yet another in the hospital in critical condition from the swine (h1n1) flu that became pneumonia) and curious is, well, a cat and doing relatively normal cat things as she becomes more and more comfortable in our home...

and even if we are not caught up yet, i still want to know how you are in case you wondered :)

stupid drivers (why am i complaining here?)

the primary reason i have little respect for police on the road is because they do not follow or enforce most driving laws... there are dozens of laws that can be broken behind the wheel and most are broken often, but the vast majority of tickets are for speeding with red lights and stop signs second... rarely do just as dangerous - or more dangerous driving actions ticketed before an accident... so most drivers are entitled idiots who think nothing of ignoring their mirrors, cutting other drivers off, and simply being stupid drivers...

especially in the rain... so a young girl who probably just got her licence decided she would rather be in the right lane than behind a car in the left lane (after being fully stopped behind the car in the left lane at the red light) and she cut in front of us forcing me to skid into the curb and luckily not hit her... jackson's right front hub cap is broken and wheels are probably out of alignment... the stupid girl had the nerve to give us the finger... if jackson did not have to be home and was running late to meet someone, i'd have gotten out of the car and asked the girl for her drivers information and told her i would be reporting this as an accident that she caused by carelessly driving in front of a moving car without checking her rear view mirrors, but i just made the right turn and took jackson home... gonna cost me money now to get jackson's car checked out... like i have time for that... fucking stupid drivers... check your damn mirrors before changing lanes, especially when you are stopped at a red light... stupid drivers...

and i am pissed at myself for it, of course...