glue stuff

it would appear that i have been operating been under a cloud of lonelies lately, though only one day, yesterday was kinda dark and going out to socialize helped a lot as it usually does and yet that also kicked up a small storm as it sometimes does, the storm being the deeper lonelies that simple surface socialization does not cure... not sleeping enough this week does not help (understatement, ho)... words from friends helped cuz the deeper lonely is in large part the nobody actually knows the deeper me feeling if you know what i mean...

the pending change to a new schedule, new job, new responsibilities and less free time does not help and couple that with the fact that i did not motivate myself to physically take care of this body better during this time off and knowing the luxury of so much free time may not happen again for a lot time (or may happen again in three months) is a duel edge as i wasted opportunities for free-time exercise and recovery (yeah, i know, the foot/ankle is a valid excuse, but still) and the lack of health insurance preventing rehab and basic medical maintenance check-ups sucks (a technical term meaning is dangerous and annoying and too good an excuse to not push the body)... a few body ailments are distracting and concerning at times, the ongoing and nagging pain in the left neck and the left ear tinnitus, for instance... a recent rash on shin (over the counter cortisone creme should fix that) and yesterday slight ankle swelling that was puzzling and could be a sign of all sorts of not good stuff, which is a first time occurence i shall sort of ignore for the moment... sucks to watch and feel the body age and not have health care... or a partner to share life... or the financial means to retire and live comfortably... or a partner to share daily life expenses with... rent and bills and gas and food is steep these days... maybe i should consider another roommate, but living with a third person and a dog?... not seriously, really?...

ah, it's mostly the lonelies cloud raining on life's parade, not as bad as yesterday and yesterday wasn't that bad, so no worries... it was raining here outside today which is not good for the foot/ankle or the rash and i'm on my own this weekend for activities cuz jackson twisted her ankle while we played a little light tennis on tuesday and she's skipping softball games tonight and skipping the 5k we were going to walk/run tomorrow morning and so i am on my own pushing the foot/ankle and rehab which totally sucks...

for the 5k tomorrow a friend is driving up but she's a runner and will finish ten (more like twenty) minutes before i do cuz i will be walking a lot thanks to the foot/ankle... would be nice to have someone pushing the pace with me... and i have softball practice at 10am, but if it's rained out maybe we'll get brunch and hang a bit... she's cool... maybe ego needs a stroke or the lonelies want some sort of acknowledgment and connection... maybe? lol lam...

just woke and two hours ago and got distracted while typing a comment to a friend (that mostly turned into this entry)... and realizing that this (e)thereal blog has been the glue holding my thoughts together, grounding me, for years and even though there are signs of branching into several other dailies, and i might as well stay together especially when the lonelies are brewing (so casually tossing out the idea of falling apart... ah, what a tempting idea it is too... am i laughing? :)