yummy soup

kind of like the soup on tv, perhaps, or the wisdom of the prime time cartoon shows, virtually the most intelligent writing on television today, but onl;y in a bowl with noodles and yumminess...

yup, that's the report for this moment as i take five minutes or three every few hours when i am home or away to produce these masterpieces of literary epicness just for your entertainment and titilation...

kind of like twitter, only soupier :)

omigosh, excitement

i've found people from the first and second grade and from all the way through high school... and i even think i found a few old lovers (queue up paul simon?... only if you're still crazy after all these years too, koo koo kachoo)... yeah, who knows, when i get back tomorrow after all these friend requests and emails i'm sending out, i might explode (unfortunately, i'll be working late tomorrow and need to get a good night sleep tomorrow night cuz there's the softball tournament thursday and the life of leisure six days off is over, alas, i miss the nineties early retirement at moments lie these... still, i giggle :)

no worries, the drama will be back soon :)

wow, people are out there

just a year or however long ago it was that i did a web search for old friends i didn't find any and suddenly (i wonder if it's the new laptop actually letting me surf... imagine if i had a decent internet connection, aye?) there are people popping up on myspace, but much more, on facebook... facebook seems to be the new acceptable grown-up social network... that must have happened relatively recently, but whenever it happened, sweet...

so i'm wandering the internet paths from profile to profile finding familiar names and as time permits, maybe even reconnecting with old friends (if there is ever time, aye?)...

what are you up to? :)

back to music

the latest mix, the first using windows media player (which leaves much to be desired, so find me another better player/mixer i shall, eventually) just about doubled in size and took a turn toward the nostalgic (which is a good sign of pending progress, but there's so little time for truly in-depth focus and creativity these years, alas, and still it turns me on)...

and there are suddenly connections coming up in searches that could make for a bouncy exciting day... time will tell, aye?...

make it a great one :)

don'tcha just love it?

if you've spent years online reading me year after year for years, you might not notice the time go by like the child seems to grow a lot more when you haven't seen the kid in weeks, know what i mean?... what?... yeah, well, if you've wandered the web into the wee hours for years and years as i have, at least once, then you might have noticed all the drama... it seems that is much of what the web is about, and who's to say that is not a reflection of tv, which could very well be a reflection of all human entertainment, which is likely a reflection of human nature, which is basically insecure, fear-driven, and full of drama...

over the years i've done my best to live up to that and hopefully you've enjoyed the melo, the drama, and the rash excitement that somehow keeps pouring out of the fingers onto the net night after night... i do it all for you, after all...

thanks for the love :)

sucked into the net

there i was nodding off innocently drifting into la la land (not demi lovato's version) when i found myself finding interest in finding friends online (an on-going project, of course, as my web pages attest, however not one i've focused any energy on for quite a while) and like quicksand, the net is sucking me in... it started with looking for some music and then, as i occasionally do expecting nothing cuz most of the people closest to me in this life do not seem interested in the online world... but all sorts of wonder awaits...

after i sleep... nite nite :)

thought i did this

i mean, i thought i uploaded two more entries than i find later when i wake, so i am uploading them now as if i did then because i thought i did and i did, but it never happened (stare blankly into the eyes of the universe and know what is not seen... omigosh, is that faith?... nyuk :)

the last entry says a lot to you, if you are out there or not, whenever you may arrive... and this entry says, so tired, yeah, that beatles song... so i'll be heading to bed soon... cuz there's nothing to say here, move along, nothing to say here... nyuk :)

make today wonderful :)

someday

yeah, someday you will find me here, or somewhere, rambling on in words as i've always done... you may remember the letters i'd write and maybe you still have some (i'd love to see them)... the writing is and always has been my solitude, my meditation, my therapy, my confident, my friend... and you were and are welcome to be part, to read, to respond... i don't know if i will ever stop as long as i can type or hold a pen, though the few times i fell in love and lived with someone who shared that love i did slow to a few words every now and then...

someday you will find me here and read all these words, the laughter and the whining and the silliness and the drama and the fantasies and the attempts to relate the real, thereal, the details of the life as i live it in the physical world offline... i do it for you, because i believe you still care... even though some friction, some hard times, some challenges came between us... even though i made foolish mistakes that hurt... we cared, we loved, and i believe that never ends... family forgives everything... love conquers all... and in my heart, i believe in your heart...

so someday, when you find me here, or somewhere, welcome back my friend... i've missed you and i hope you let me know you found me... i hope we stay in touch this time... i hope we visit and catch up and share some new memories... cuz i've missed you and i love you...

about forty

that's how many tabs are currently open in four browser windows... and somewhere in the mix is potential contact information for two of the best (and worst, cuz not being connected to the best is sad) memories of this life and i am sending emails where i found emails and am pondering sending a snail mail or calling the phone numbers i found (though none are verified as current, alas, so who knows who i might connect to)... yes, a couple of blasts from the past might pop up in my email or phone any day now... maybe...

that took up about eight or nine of the tabs... the rest are all sorts, a bunch of myspace, in fact, which is where i found one of the people, though she hasn't been there since august of last year and looks like she just set up the account and never went back... alas, there's always hope :)

and this is just the fifth night off... can you imagine the trouble i could get into if i had a few weeks off, or longer? :)

hope you're having fun too :)

cuz he rambles

i've just realized, that is, in my consciousness, why i enjoy craig ferguson so much... it's cuz he babbles... he just rambles on about whatever comes to his mind, fresca, mazda, legoland, and he almost always ends up concluding with positive suggestions...

hmmmm, a little like looking in the mirror...

popcorn and sprite

party!... yeah, ok, so it's just popcorn and sprite, but a party is as a party does, or something like that... it's a state of mind and i'm in the party state, hee haw yippee and all that...

now some might see this six day off in a row adventure as a total waste as after starting to clean and re-arrange and sort and do all sorts of in-depth analysis of this and that and the other thing and maybe even some internal house-cleaning and rehabilitation, i have increasingly vegged of late... and indulged taste buds... and walla walla party party too...

perhaps we should step on the scale?...

who said that?... beat the blighter with a dozen wet noodles... oooh, noodles, yum... cheese sause, yes, all is well... popcorn and sprite, there's the healthy snack party... is there any more liquid chocolate in the house?... exercise?... the gym?... really?... maybe... ooo, exciting suspense, aye?...

yeah, so anyway, hope you are making fun of yourself, or making your life fun too :)

amercian idol rewind

so a dinner of leftover boston market and no noise from the abdominal muscles (so turn it up tomorrow, right?) and the stickiness was no issue at all, which is a good thing... and the tv keeps me company tonight as i watch a rerun of american idol and feel the loss of the people who died this weekend... sad people die, but if it doesn't remind you to live more, better, and now, then i think you miss the point...

of course that doesn't mean i don't enjoy some drama and all the emotions of life and memories and feeling connected in the time line to all the losses and changes and rebirths and tapestry and so on... so watching the top 13 american idol show tribute to michael jackson and the one thing that stands out head and shoulders above the rest is how far and away the most talented entertainer-performer of all the idol candidates and the only reason he he came in second is because he scared the small minds in middle america and the true audience for adam does not watch the show...

chris is an excellent musician and good singer, but he is not an american idol entertainer... but a sexually ambiguous elvis-like entertainer scares people, as does an aggressive janis joplin-like girl, alison, who should also have a very successful career... a half dozen, at least of this year's idols should have successful careers, but to suggest that adam was not the most talented singer, entertainer, and performer on the show in 2009 is farcical...

though some news reports about unfair voting were retracted and may have been exaggerated, att did not deny any of the allegations of impropriaety in voting procedures... and att admitted that att employees actively helped arkansas voters multiply their votes for chris manyfold, teaching voters how to send multiple text messages that would be counted by the computers, as reported by the ny times and other reputable news sources... yes, att admitted this... the show will not release the real voting numbers, perhaps thinking that adds to the publicity and glam of the show, but it just detracts from the show's credibility as a talent contest and for me, sours me to the whole idol experience...

still, i think a half dozen deserve recording contracts and chris is one, but the best performer who epitomizes all talent and qualities that the judges and the show hype repeatedly state is required to be an american idol, by leaps and bounds, was adam in 2009...

meanwhile, in spite of the human greed, unfairness, injustice, and general paranoia, life goes on and i'm feel great...

how about you? :)

up to 75

yeah, 65 with eight minutes to go and 75 for the last three minutes cuz it still wasn't doing the work i wanted it to do, but i'll not go farther this first time just in case there's more first-reaction ache tomorrow than i expect (and i expect some, for sure cuz no pain no gain, cha know)... feels great and i considered another 20 minutes or turning it up to level 2 or 3, but i'll be cautious for now as i've already done twice the time at way higher than the recommended first day use already... i can hardly wait to try it again... tomorrow or wednesday, depending on how the abs feel tomorrow... at least level 2, maybe level 3, and at least 75 the whole way...

rock hard eight pack here i come (narf, giggle, whatever :)

oh so cool so far

i turned up the intensity to 40 to start and after about 8 minutes to 45... wow, the feeling is wonderful... the muscles are tensing and relaxing without me doing anything, like electronic magic... and i am feeling great after ten minutes, thinking about moving up to 50 (intensity goes from 1 to 99 and they recommend starting at 40 and working it up to 90 in five weeks)... the energy pulse is at it's lowest level of six levels (20 minutea at 14 micro-coulomb) and they recommend keeping it there for the first two weeks... i can see going to level two either tomorrow or wednesday, being impatient and suddenly determined to ab-up... they recommend rest the second day and i'll see what the muscles feel like tomorrow before deciding)... i moved the intensity up to 50 for the last 6 minutes... i can see (feel) positioning matters a lot as i am getting a better workout on my left side than my right... the right side is a bit low... next time i'll pay more attention while positioning...

in fact, i am going for another 20 minutes right now... there's no burn, no feeling like i did any sit-ups at all (yet), so i am increasing to 55 and doing 20 more minutes... ah yes, 60 and i am starting to feel the strain as if i am doing a sit-up... hmmmm, sit ups for another 15 minutes?... that might leave a serious ache... we shall see if i continue at 60 or turn it down after a bit...

and the excitement continues to build, aye? :)

hungry now

and here i sit waiting for the ab-belt charger to re-charge with the ab-belt wrapped around my waist... so much for the time-saving easy-exercise rationale for the $200 or so purchase, aye?... and the gell pads may be ruined and need replacing after just one use at this rate, but then, it is my own lack of preparation, naturally, and not any fauly by the manufacturer... still, this is not the easy exercise aternative it was represented to be...

so how is your evening? :)

dagnabit

so i wake from another relatively long deep sleep feeling great with a touch of stiffness from yesterday's softball and i think, ummmm, food in the fridge, but i reach for the ab-belt and put it on, first time, and then i realize that i didn't put the charger-controller in the box so i look for it and find it and alas, it is discharged... so i am charging it now, three hours or so, i think, and i am ruining the first experience with the ab-belt as the sticky pads are stuck to me hairy belly and will wear out faster because of the body oils and oh well, i'll make the best of it and wait for the charger to charge...

meanwhile, i hope i don't ache too much later or tomorrow from this first in a long long long long long (continue several more years, ummm, decades) time since the last time i actually exercised my abs... anticipation kind of spoils the impulsiveness of waking and putting on the belt without thinking much about consequences... i'll probably turn it up to level three (recommended level 1 for a week then level 2 for a week and then level 3) just to teach myself a lesson about taking this ab exercise thing seriously... i am off tomorrow (but not wednesday or thursday and play a double header thursday if it doesn't rain), so this could be an interesting (and painful) week...

stay tuned for the excitement, aye? :)

first wmp playlist (very unfinished)

If Make a Plan to Love Me Landslide Wasted Time Everybody's Lonely The Late Show True Gold Isn't Life Strange Shameless The Heart of Me Shooting Star Here, Here and Here First Episode At Hienton Remember Me, My Friend To Make You Feel My love Guardian Angel Like A Song Believe In Me I Could Fall (In Love With You) The Dance

Bread Bright Eyes Fleetwood Mac Eagles Harry Chapin Jackson Browne The Telling The Moody Blues Garth Brooks Alexa Ray Joel Harry Chapin Meg & Dia Elton John The Blue Jays Garth Brooks The Telling Lenka Demi Lovato Jen Chapin Garth Brooks

music mixing

and as if it couldn't get more exciting (re: sarcasm), i did it, or rather, i started to do it on the internet a little while back, but i learned that the internet is a temporary sketch pad and it cannot be depended upon to store any creative play (or art or anything) permanently (yeah, so when will i decide to figure out how to download all my blogs so they don't all just disappear one day like the stars in the snl spoof of star trek?... and when i die... and so it goes), but i decided to let myspace fool me into believing that maybe myspace respected the music enough to maintain a stable archive so i tried again more recently, but i found songs disappearing at will and worse, my internet connection (thanks to continuously sucky (and quite expensive) att aircard service, 3g my pretense) is so bad i cannot listen and often can't even create a playlist so the main playlist is unfinished and only tentative... you can find the first myspace playlist here...

and then, tonight, i finally used windows media player to create a playlist from the few (3.5gb or so) cds i've ripped onto this laptop so far (impatient, i am, aye?... maybe a good sign)... it too is quite tentative as i only have a relatively few cds to choose from and there are many songs i feel fitting in that i have not ripped yet, so patients, again, and the finished product will flow eventually... but for now, you can find the first very-in-progress unfinished wmp playlist here (it's the next entry)...

i am finding windows media player quite quirky as it mislabels cds when it seeks cd info from the microsoft site and also it often gets the years wrong... but still, the magic is that i am moving closer to listening, maybe hearing, maybe feeling, maybe experiencing, maybe being in the words and the music again... am i still crazy after all these years?... of course, but am i still standing?... most likely, but how erect, that be the question... and we shall see...

wonder of wonders, aye? :)

this barren existence

is it just the emptiness of the white walls, i wonder... is it just the void of personalization... is it just the vacancy sign where my heart used to be... is it just the lack of attachment to anything around me, i wonder... is it just the poverty of sharing so evident in the experience... is it just the missing connections, the absence of color and style and personality in the space... is it just that i am always wanting more, i wonder... is it just the carefree momentary existence i perceive as living in this life... is it that there's nothing in this world i care about enough to call mine, i wonder... or is it all just a blank check waiting to be written in my mind...

is it just that i am feeling lonely...

is it just the hour...

and so it goes

such a sad song if it was not so true... for one who gives it all, for one who sees giving everything as the only way to actualize love, unconditionally and completely... for one who see no sacrifice unless it is wasted, unreciprocated, unappreciated, and simply taken and used and discarded... for one who believes in the power of unconditional trust and the magic of true love... for one who has given everything and finds himself still alone... such a sad song because it is so true...

for you're the only one who knows...

approaching the now

yes, finally catching up with time as it seems to be flying by this weekend and as much as i would like (and the body needs, i suppose) rest, i am compelled to dose the body (and mind) with caffeine just to continue the conscious enjoyment of the time away from work, away from the negativity, away from the poison of humanity...

oh, can we be any more cynical or whatever?...

consider it a challenge (and the eternal optimist child giggles inside cuz all he's doing is looking for someone as unbelievably (quixotically) idyllistically optimistic as he, but don't tell anybody cuz then the game will be less fun)... convince me that life is worth living, that people are worth trusting, that humanity is worth believing in... come on now, you can do it if you believe it...

well? :)

and the tv amuses me

yes, tonight it is the tv that amuses the child, the cartoons and then, the news, briefly, cuz there is much change in the world to be told... deaths sudden and expected... shall i ponder my own mortality as i play russian roullete with this body?...

and politics and economics, how do the republicans do it so well, spend four to eight years ripping off the taxpayers and leave the democrats holding the bag... sure they are similar, but at least the donkeys spend most of the money in this country while the elephants spend most elsewhere, in other countries or in international corporations... just what did spending billions a day in iraq do to save jobs or help the economy for the average joe american, really... and allowing the banks and wall street and the biggest usa corporations to be run into the ground by criminals and incompetents, how did that help the american people... seems that once again, american intelligence is as stupid as it wants to be...

and if this new kennedy set up for crisis and failure does not fail and turns the depressed us economy and spirit around like jfk did, will he too have to be assassinated to keep the power brokers running the world banks and everything happy?... so afraid of change, of loss of the consolidated power that more than two hundred years of corruption has provided... the people must not know... the people do not want to know... after all, the people cannot handle the truth...

let's just get lost in reruns of crime shows now...

alright, catching up again, again

getting home from softball practice with some boston market in toe cuz i did not feel like cooking or even heating up anything or eating cereal or some other cold food and the carnivore in me sought protein of the fleshy variety so sick as it truly is in the big picture knowing the poultry industry atrocities and uncleanliness, i ate boston market...

and i'm gonna watch fox cartoons now...

hope you enjoy your night too :)

good sleep

even though i woke three times, at least, and at least twice got up to empty my bladder (so was it the bladder waking me, or was i just rising from the depths of rem sleep to the surface where i decide if i want more sleep or more awake time?... well, i do consistently sleep in four hour rem cycles and I often recall rolling over and fall back to sleep more often than not when i wake enough to notice my arm is asleep or i am sleeping in a position that is uncomfortable, like in a position that creates pressure on my shoulder or bladder or something, and i usually don't wake at all when i don't drink a gallon or more of water in the last five or six hours before going to bed {which I do often cuz I drink a whole lot of water and love fluids} and i easily {and regularly} go twelve hours or more while awake without peeing cuz i forget sometimes like i forget to eat when i am busy doing something like at work or writing or playing a game so it was probably the latter and not the former, if you remember what this parentheses was about in the first place, huh?), it was still good sleep…

phew, that was close… I mean, run-on-sentence-wise…

more music, more re-arranging stuff, more cleaning and unpacking, more catching up on these thereal blogs, more keeping in touch with you, even if you never know, more hope, more loyalty, more keeping the promise… and more fun…

make your day more fun too :)

slipping in the slide zone?

still not set up for music all night long or even for music to fall asleep to, but closer... who knows, a playlist might be formed any day now and a cd could even be burned... though will the same devotion to the meaning in the message in the lyrics and musical composition be there?... not today, but maybe someday soon... somehow... somewhere...

nite nite :)

softball tomorrow

gonna let sleep come soon cuz i want to be rested for softball tomorrow and continued sleep deprivation will not be good for the body or the softball tomorrow... and i wonder what has transpired in your mind if you've journeyed with me through this recent sudden time off or more, if you've been travelling along with me on this latest incarnation of the written gardens story of a life, thereal...

seriously...

narf :)

serious saturday

like that energizer bunny, aye?... yeah, still going, still thinking and feeling and sorting and tossing the waste into the trash and remembering the blessings and the curses and the bliss and the pain and the... unsaid unspoken?... what is really between the lines?... and how much of this day and the last few (dozen?) entries were the result of an over-active imaginations stimulated by sleep-deprivatyion and the euphoria of sudden time for myself and the caffeinated sugar protein drinks and the memories stirred by unpacking boxes and the excitement of restoring some semblance of actual connection to the physical spaces and something else again and the music... the music of the mind, the music of the night... and the memory of the music of the tapes... oh those wacky tapes again, will they never let us rest?... gues that's what she wanted got what she wanted, lost what she had thank you gavin...

it is so easy to ignore what is unpleasant, especially when it is our own actions... but why let a cruel act continue for more than a decade?... that is the puzzle deep within my mind that i do not really want to solve... and that is why i spend most of my time in the moment and have detached from the lifelong dreams and the timeline of history that creates a deeper fuller me... so am i shallow, after all?... have i learned to be human?... sadly, the answer may be the fact that i do not see what is right before my eyes...

do you? :}

the secret lies of sleep

sleep allows the mind to bury the truths that do not please the heart... sleep allows the conscious to be sold an illusion by the deeper mind, an illusion that is easier to accept than the real experiences and circumstances of the live actually lived... sleep allows the conscience to be placated by rationality that sometimes uses twisted logic, pretenses, and flat out lies to distort the senses, reprogram perceptions, and revise memories to justify acts and experiences that would otherwise be crimes of conscience or even crimes under the law of the culture... sleep allows the mind to reboot and in that physical act, just as with a computer, the mind can be re-written to suit the user, the operator, the person...

sleep deprivation can expose all this, so take care with your all-nighters, for the reactions in the mind are similar to that of some serious drugs once called mind-altering, hallucinogenic, or mind-expanding... you may find out more than you wanted to know... which, for me, is sad, for why would you know want to know everything about yourself completely openly and honestly?...

but then, no worries, just sleep and you will believe you do...

and the intensity

and i clean, and i read, and i listen, and i sort, and i see and i remember, and i ponder and i feel... and i clean, and i read, and i listen, and i file away the memories and injuries and rhapsodies in blue... and i clean, and i read, and i listen, and i find new tears and laughter in the things that remind me that life is real... and i clean, and i read, and i listen, and i re-arrange the story and rebuild the life on what i knows is true... so i have something real in thereal that i can offer to you... so i have something real in thereal to share, cuz sharing is what i want to do...

yeah, so, it is time to explore inside... and i realize how far i have come from myself, how much i have turned away from my dreams, how far down i have turned my energy, and the intensity, how weak it has become... or un-become, in fact, as i have too...

what difference does it make to those who know me as i am today?... and who would want me to return to the intensity i once creative within this body?... who would want me to return to the focus i once created within this mind?... who would want me to return to the passion i once created within this heart?... who would want me to return to the eternal infibity i once created within the ethereal (some might call spiritual) energy of consciousness called me?...

when all it inspired was fear and all the branches of fear - discomfort, jealousy, greed, selfishness, and worse, negative actions against me... so what will become of this weekend?... probably the same that has become of all the other writings of depth and substance and pondering personal experiences in this human life...

gotta sleep sometimes

but not just now... there is just too much energy flowing... too much emotion growing... too much memory owing... owe-ing?... too many seeds need sowing... too many winds are blowing... how many roads must a man walk down?... too many answers showing... too many rivers flowing... the fool on the hill is still and so am i...

the cds are all stacked up in alphabetical order and entered into the database... only 655, and here i thought there were more... the hundreds stolen in 2001 were not all replaced, but a lot of them were... and some of the cds left in toronto that were not copied or returned were found, though not the personal mixes i made which are not truly replaceable as they were one-time momentary creations for myself and for the one and it's a shame that someone would be so cruel as to steal my chance at sharing them with the one, but i've learned that people do things without realizing just how cruel or selfish they are...

still, it's not easy to accept because i may only have this one life and for someone to deliberately try to prevent me from actualizing my dreams, well, that, to some creative souls, just may be an act worse than murder...

the end
is just a little harder when
it's brought about by friends

thereal is not always easy to live in... but for me, it's better than the alternatives... may you find your place in this world... and may you not let anyone take it away or prevent you from reaching it... cuz if you do, you'll be destined to write long babbling melodramatic blogs in the internet for all of your days... or at least until your trust is restored by the person you gave it to or you simply move on and rebuild your dream without the trust, without the pieces of the puzzle someone chose to take out of your life for their own selfish reasons... and to try to believe you can recreate the magic and purity, to accept the smile with the missing teeth as just as beautiful as it was before the teeth were knocked out...

or something like that...

seriously?

the real thereal may never be known, but we sure can dramatize the appearance of the real, aye?... yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away... yea yea yeah... yeah...

if you took the time
to read every rhyme
and ponder the meaning
between every line
you might understand something more
but the truth is you will finally find
exactly what you're looking for
in your mind

yeah, so in the blunt, the truth, thereal, if you are depressed, you will see depression... if you are psychotic, you will see psychosis... if you are happy, you will see happiness... for what you see is a mirror, a reflection of yourself...

and when you truly see that, then perhaps you can start opening your eyes to see beyond the mirror... not through the looking glass, but beyond, into thereal beyond your eyes...

come saturday morning

is that what this is?... an old movie?... a soap opera?... a blessed moment of revelation?... a silly self-importance madness?... oh come on, you oughta know (dance dance dance)...

just something to occupy the time...

and keep track of the life in thereal just in case you, or someone, today, or someday, might want to know... kind of like writing a journal or diary, or recording a soundtrack that represents your deepest psyche, your identity, that's it, your true identity... somewhere amidst all the words, between the lines, within the lyrics... someone who needs, someone who feels, someone who sees can find you... remember?...

there's the hope, always...

where was i?

how often i asked that question, mostly rhetorically, usually irreverently, mostly not, but sometimes, so generally it could only be answered by someone inside my head and we all know who that is...

almost as silly as asking who was i?...

aye? :}

more to do

love, love love, thank goodness and the universe and whatever power are anywhere for the music... thank the music most of all... and the words... the words and the music together, thank you...

wide awake at 4am without a soul... meanwhile, so much is getting done around here and yet, still more to do... stuff stuffed into boxes over the last ten years and moved from one place to another without thought of inspection, finally getting looked at and tossed in the trash... and realizing how long i've lived without looking around at the details... more than a decade i've lived like a refugee, a fugitive, a whatever... living out of boxes, living in spaces i paid for but never called mine, never made mine...

so alone... so disconnected... so little to offer... the words?... maybe the words were all i had to offer here after all... thereal, the words... and i leave them here as if it doesn't matter if anyone ever finds them, all there is to me... oooo, who has chills?...

seriously (shhh, indulge the fool a moment longer)... the dream of sharing, is it over?... or just sleeping?... the who or the beatles, and how deep it goes... if anyone ever read it all or just listened to the tapes, they might know for so many of the pieces of the puzzle are there... left behind in boxes... in the trust of love... and maybe it was all a lie, a farce, a delusion... so why do i keep believing if i just keep on keeping on, head in the words, heart in the boxes, don't face the facts, the loses, the betrayals, the abandonments... am i a fool for continuing to believe everything will work out fine?...

or is it more wise to just give up on trust, on love, on believing in the human heart?... i put so much faith, power in the music, in the words, in the tapes... it always comes back to the trust placed in the tapes and the promise... the belief that no matter what, the love was real, the understanding of the importance of the identity stored on the tapes was clear... that is why they were so important... the tapes... the record of my memory, my beliefs, my identity... that is why they were so treasured and why they were kept... why they were held on to... why they keep coming back to my mind even though they have not been shared, copied, returned...

if i had time, or cared more (oh crap, this not caring enough to continue weaving the tapestry is not a good sign), i'd find the threads, the entries, and link a path through the maze to more detail, to the evidence that proves to me just how important this has been for so long... instead, i might guess (does the link work?... does it lead to where it's supposed to lead?... to the three prior entries?... maybe, and maybe i'm wrong... sigh, moody blues... and maybe it's completely random narcissistic (erp?) self-indulgence, aye?... what's thereal without some melodramatic confrontation or even, the illusion of self-doubt?)... so much is missing...

so much more to do...

but it's too exciting to be sad for long

as much as i enjoy, yes enjoy (shhh, i actually love it) playing the martyr because it allows me to feel superior cuz it leads to the logical conclusion that i love more intensely, more loyally, more deeply, and more truly than anyone in spite of the horrible pain and negative aspects of the experience (not to mention it being one of the most profound actualizations of loneliness), but really now, life in the moment, the sharing of the wonders and loves and passions, that is the magic that makes life way too exciting to be sad for long...

if dying for you would make it better for you, i would... but in thereal, it wouldn't, and it didn't, and we'll all enjoy life a whole lot more when get over the fear and leave that delusion behind... believe in this and you are free...

someday we'll all understand :)

delving the depths

cuz it's so much fun to be deep and delve, ya know?... yeah, another epic opening live following another classic title, i know (or i know, as craig would say), cuz irreverence is the elixor for the human condition for those smart enough to know and even smarter enough to know how to survive knowing happily, or happily survive knowing, for that matter...

once, i thought i met someone who understood, but now, i doubt anyone ever actually did... unless understanding can actually be ignored, but then, can that actually be understanding (not as i understand understanding, but then, who says i know everything, or understand it, for that matter)... i only know what i know, what i feel, and what i understand... once, i thought i met someone who understood, but now...

we're not even scratching the surface anymore...

yeah, the catching up

and the excitement is overpowering the sadness as the memories of toronto are washed away by the wonders of a life lived for others, inspired by music anjd creative play and word, dear sweet words, and the magic of love... i live without the trust burned on to cassette tapes, i live without the images and reminders of myself, i live without the toys and games and creative writings of a lifetime, i live without the memories, most of the time... i enjoy the moments, the now...

may you, in your mind, in your heart, in your life, in your time, find the wonders of the now :)

musical memories

back to the unpacking and sorting and finding stuff boxes long ago and most of the experience, as usual, is like reuniting with an old friend (cuz i love memories) and even the bittersweet stings, like finding photos of three kids who i adopted in my heart who are no longer kids and if any of you (that includes all of you, even though i don't have pictures of all of you) are out there i hope you are building beautiful lives and i almost died physically trying to keep my promise physically but i realized i could be no help if i died physically so i stayed alive and kept my promise emotionally cuz i am still here loving you and would do anything i could for you if i could... and i hope you still know that...

the musical memories lead me to the most painful memories... the missing music... the pretending it's ok to deliberately do something to hurt someone... the pretending we forget the promises... smiley happy torture sucks... knowing the person doing it knows and lies and pretends and smiles as if words erase on-going actions... alas, the memories of the missing music does bring sadness because the promises continue, the lies continue, and the pretenses continue...

maybe tomorrow... there's always hope...

what was i like, musically, in this life?... i recorded the songs on the tapes, the music of my mind, the lyrics of my psyche, the trust... it would be nice to know myself again... and just maybe, trust someone that much again...

mercy... merci... narf :}

catch up laters

the past day (or is it two?... three?... are we counting?... who would we be, actually?... are you out there?... am i in here?... are we an entity, actually?... actually, i'm not sure where or when i left off and i am almost positive it matters little in the relative scope of the universe or these personal blogs, even, cuz the flow is as impersonal and general and universal as it is intimate and specific and personal and so, hi everybody...

you can name the cartoon later, i mean, when you get here, if you exist... i have been sorting through boxes of stuff stashed under things and in corners for the past decade or so and shit me a new asshole (yes, a shockingly unamerican colloquialism just had to be used, or created, even, for this moment cuz it is so epic or monumental or something), if i have not been buried for a decade or what...

of course we knew this, but the visual is worth a thousand blogs... and then some... and so a few minutes ago, ironically as the pizza was cooling, while flipping through stacks of hundreds of cards and paper and plastic, i find three photos, school photos of three kids from alton, nh... and there they are all dressed up in their northern american working-man's finery with forced smiles and i ask myself, what?...

i'll let you know what i ask myself just as soon as i find the words, maybe, if i remember to come back to this thought... knives, nay, razors slice through the delicate underbelly of memories and healed scars with the precision of a drunk butcher the day after thanksgiving... or maybe xmas, for surely a crucifixion could be associated with the experience, whatever that means...

meanwhile, aside from this sudden bit of babbling wtf?!, all is well, peachy keen, in fact... i am off for six days in a row and this is only day two and i am cleaning, deep cleaning, and preparing for another move, which is seriously excellent news... 80% or so of the cds are now in a database which is also extremely excellent news (roots people know this well)... and music has usurped the tv foir most of the last two days, though night time tv (ah, what have we learned on the show tonight?) occupied some scattered brain cells as i deep cleaned long into the morning hours... i am disposing of the trash once again... most excellent...

i hope your days and nights are most excellent too :)

did i sleep?

omigosh, i don't think so... i think i drank some caffiene and got back into the music and cd sorting and buzzing and something or other and then i did something else and watched some tv and then i did something else and i may have started to do laundry and then i did something else and am i wired or what?...

yeah, i should sleep soon before my head explodes...

nite nite (for real this time)...

stunningly blurry

was i asleep?... i think i was asleep, for a moment or few, perhaps, but still standing up as i set the laptop up on a platform high enough to be comfortable standing as i was standing and moving around as i unpacked and cleaned and sorted stuff and alphabetized and entered the purchased cds (as opposed to the copies, which wait for more time) and i could keep so definitely going with this sudden not working and indulging self-interests and re-organizing space and sorting through all the boxed stuff (and this isn’t even the storage facility boxes, aye?) stuff until the deepest memories rise from the sleeping subconscious and are all together partied out and re-sorted and anything unresolved is resolved and anything not healed is healed and halleluyay plays all around the mind and heart and everywhere thing for weeks, at least, but i only have six days so i'll try to limit the number of words in my run-on sentences to a hundred and sixty-nine (not including hyphens)… so I’m gonna go to bed now…

nite :)

re-arranging

the space, the head, the body, all together now (well, not quite, not even almost, but moving mostly in that direction (except for the body, which is just kind of standing and looking in that direction, nyuk, nyuk, not quite barf, narf... chuckle)...

enjoying the time off, some vegging, some active working on the space, some pondering my navel, some blissful oblivion, some suicidal self-indulgence, so idle laughter, some insane whatever...

it is fun to see the cds stacking up, about nine stacks of almost a hundred each in the purchased stacks... the copies are more abundant, but they do not stack as readily accessible so i will most likely leave them in their books... the mellow mushroom order continues to tantalize my taste buds (and i recommend tantalized taste buds to all of you whole heartedly... now, cuz implusively increases the tant)...

and we all can enjoy a high tant factor, naturally...

tant! :)

softball again

well, it rained in the third inning and we were only up 11-2 so they couldn't call the game... we won 18-3 and we move on to the next round of the playoffs next week... i headed home (everybody did) not just cuz i was soaking wet, but cuz i wanted to continue to clean/sort unpack and throw out stuff...

time off is a wonderful thing :)

heading out for softball

continuing to clean and unpack and sort and throw out usless papers and magazines and stuff and undo my pack-rattiness and it's so refreshing... and continuing to enter cds into the database and organize stuff... and continuing to come home again... but for now, i am heading out to softball, first game of the thursday night playoffs...

have fun :)

home, excited

cuz it's home and i am feeling like moving in somewhere cuz i am decided to move out of here and look for a space that is more in tune with my personality and wavelength and idiocyncrasies and all that jazz and rock and soft sweet romantic ballads too...

a fitting tribute to the madness of, hey wait a minute, this what day is this?... date?... the stamping is all haywire all of a sudden... not blogger this time, it's me, i'm forgetting what day it is...

oh, how wonderfully wonder filled :)

still flying

though perhaps not so high, but smoothe... pausing in the cataloging of cds to rest the back as the lower back has been neglected almost as much as the abs and what is one without the other, after all, especially when stuffing the face with delicious pasta and stuff (tried the new mellow mushroom last night and oh so yum!... yes, a new top five pizza place has been born right down the street... i'll probably move further away from it (but then, things within walking distance are so rare in florida, it's ok-ish) when i move in august, but delightful decadent surrounds me and fills the air tonight, or this morning, to be more precise), but progress is progess so yay!...

gonna go to nap soon and wake whenever... oh, what a lovely time, whenever... everyone should experience it as often as possible... daily would be nice... may you find your morning as beautiful as this one i experience right here and now...

always :)

poised at the gates

could be i've been here for many years, or lifetimes, for that matter... fifteen thousand years ago, practically prehistoric, what fools these mortals be, and a hundred thousand years?... sevent million (or sixty five, even) years ago, what history would anyone have been writing?... the destructive forces of nature, (universal entropy?), time vs space, energy vs matter, knowledge vs. all that has been eraced, memory is such a fickle reporter, after all...

but if you reach deeper into the night, you may find...

:)

coasting late

this may be the night... or more likely, the weekend, when i finally turn on the abs belt i bought last month... or earlier this month, actually, just a couple of weeks ago... or so... anyway, the energy is mounting because i am looking at six full days off in a row, the longest unplanned time off in years and close to the longest time off since the retirement years of the 90's (which bled into 2000, language chosen well, but that's another story)...

cds are being sorted, alphabetized, and entered into the access database i created for media and yay, the cd stacks may just come back to life again with (shudder) the mix-tapes (now cds) returning (gasp) and all that may flow (and dreams may come) from that process/experience (wow)... could be... who knows... something coming?...

if only the one who got every reference would step forward, we could fall back into the blissful abyss of whatever will be will be and what dreams may come together forever and ever and all this that came before (including the previous blisses) would meld into the foundation of the greatest story every lived (or told, if we choose to tell it)... wonder of wonders...

I hope you find your miracles someday soon too :)

turn it up

weekdays at midnight hold the conflicting magic (majiks?... magyks?... majyks?... majics?... madness?) that cross the precious morning sleep-awake where tink and other magical mysteries (and a few tours) live and that awake-dead where werewolves (not just of london) and vampires (not just in twilight) and other things that go bump in the night (and not just this literary reference either) exist to chase and capture, mesmerize and haunt, tickle and seduce (and not just for those with minds in the gutter, purile humans, tsk, tsk, narf) and i, me, myself, find all and more...

and it's the more where i wait for you :)

spin! :)

omigosh, is it excitement?

bouncing?... well, at least standing tall, (don't you fall over that silly human pride now), erect, and waking the lower back, at least... unfortunately, pigging out too, which is ngoing to delay any upper body (no less conscious) awakening that might come, but the lower body is coming up (thank you sir paul) and the song is not over (what's that who?), but somehow is peeking through the legs and finding life exists, continues, and reports of the death of the spirit soul and life above and below have been only slightly exaggerated...

the database has opened, finally, office access 2007 is the latest new learning experience (figures, as 2010 is poised to release it's magical mystery tour later this year or soon) since the geniuses at work would not buy it for me until just recently and the genius at home would not buy it until just as recently, only slightly sooner, but not to mean anything in the grand span of the timeline, which is neither here nor there anymore as it's here, the now here and now the here nor there referenced in the previous here nore there...

yes, well, you had to be there...

urp... giggle... narf... nyuk...

dance! :)

starting to organize

which means, finally, after living here ten months, starting to unpack and sort through all the crap i've boxed over the last decade and...

daze later, maybe only semi-daze, the party has started... the move-in party, that is... definitely only semi-move-in, however sufficient at this point in time to be considered a wonderfully sublime celebration, appropriately subdued by circumstance and history to remain a happenchance and mystery woven together by third-grade clauses, confused cliches, mixed-up metaphors, sinful similes, analogous anagrams, illiterate illiteration, and the righteous typo as i insert my newest member neatly between the literary legs of the posts previously opened for others...

the space, she is opening up and as we brush away the cobwebs, standing tall and erect, if only for the forced exercise and altered perspective, but no, also to maintain the movement that is at the heart of the act, and the seeds of life stored for so long within the bowels of the darkness spew forth to find whatever firtile ground and spaces we can create...

sorting and filing cds too, yeah yeah, yeah :)

and the excitement continues (hee-haw)

yes, the excitement of actually having the next six days off bubbled up all afternoon (for the past three hours or so) and i put the surface kapash on my office so that it actually looks somewhat organized with a clear desk and file slots and shelves in order and all that appearance stuff that is so very important... those with clear desks and nearly empty offices who have no idea what they are doing are praised while those who actually process the paperwork, crunch the numbers, and make sense of it all so the kids can actually receive the best care possible are scorned and harrassed (the ignorant always do that to the people who know though, human nature and all)...

of course there is the philosphy that flying by the seat of your pants into the human mind, the art of psychology and psychiatry (and medicine, for that matter) is the true calling and way of the medicine man (or woman) and all the science and mathematical proofs in the universe are worthless busy-work that doesn't really help anybody but the bean counters, bureaucrats, bankers, and politicians (moneylenders and merchants?)... superstitions are so much easier to base a philosphy and power based upon, after all... while i represent the opposition in my current position (ironically, since my philosophy is primarily based in the arts and and formal credentials are more heavily based there as well, aye, but people seldom look beyond the uniform, the surface, and their own fears and i certainly represent human fears in many ways, but that's a whole life story of so many other colors and this is the daily dribble, after all)...

but now, in the moment, i am home, excited about time off, and oh, the adventure begins :)

tripping work

the undermining continues to increase the more i organize and produce the work i am requested to produce... the actions to undermine are becoming more and more obvious behind closed doors and even at meetings... so my job is becoming increasingly a matter of cya, documenting my attempts to do it and documentings the opposition and ultimately, the power and responsibility is in the ceo's hands, as teflon as they have been over the years...

wouldn't it be an interesting experience if this novel was read by those at my real job and taken as some sort of disclosures about them personally?... but professionals wouldn't take a fictional account of corporate bungling and comedic incompetence seriously, right?... have you ever seen the office or office space or... the caine mutiny, even?... we all laugh at the colonel klinks and we all know, being mature adults and all, it's business, it's not personal, it's business and you've got mail so tell it to your godfather...

we're all stooges on this bus, nyuk nyuk :)

trips and work

as if there's a deliberate plan to undermine any real progress or success (is this the conservative mindset?... fight change through subtrifuge, fear-mongering, rudeness, and every subtle and overt trick in the book?... is it because they are so afraid because of their insecurities and fear-based religions and such?... so strange), the mandate from the boss is take off the next six days...

yes, the end of the month, end of quarter, end of six month reports be damned, mismanagement of the budget has created a crisis and most management staff are being told they must take time off, vacation or time without pay, so the numbers (budgetary) look better for the month and quarter... business games, since we get paid anyway, but vacation pay comes from a different fund, so oh well...

i'm probably close to or over the vacation accrual limit anyway since i hardly ever take time off, but the timing could not undermine my department or work any more than at any other time except the end of year reporting period, so understanding and support from the top still remains the last thing on the ceo's mind... and the latest corporate survey reflects that, but they don't really seem to care either...

meanwhile, i think i'm going to enjoy the heck out of my time off and leave the job behind for the next week, mostly :)

focusing energy

today i chose to focus energy on my space at work and get some of my work done since, well, making everybody else's job easier (and sometimes doing it for them cuz that's the only way some learn) is just part of my job... i figure it's about time i took care of my own business as the boss loves to nit pick and find fault with the surface without looking beneath for the actual job...

yeah, definitely not the ideal work environment and still dysfunctional, but hey, i enjoy most of it and maybe the next few months i can actually save some money again after spending so much on others for the past ten months... a couple of years of hard savings would give me more viable moving on options, which was the goal in the first place ten years ago... if only i stayed alone, i'd have a fortune saved by now, aye?...

life is like that, aye tom? :}

yeah, morning

days roll around, or stumble into consciousness, or pop up out of the universal toaster, or some such literary construct that leaves readers smiling at the uniqueness of the phrasing and lo and behold, a writer is born, or formed out of the ethers of language...

anyway, hi ho :)

yes it is

craig ferguson woke me from a nap with his odd brand of ambidextrous (or some word like that) humor... all sorts of giggling references (intelligence?... cleverness?... silliness?... nonsense?... genius?... all of the above below sideway and more?)... and double and triple entendres and questionable statements and just good old fashioned what did he say? type things that leave one wondering if they (or he or she) should laugh or be shocked or offended or what... like is that rude or funny?...

and facial expressions that are so cartoony expressive...

anyway, i am going to get some water and drink ir and then fall asleep... might even go to bed... cuz you aren't here so it's not rude... if you were here i would stay awake and talk to you and play with you and have fun with you and... no, i didn't mean you are a toy, i mean, unless you want to be...

yes, it is :)

house is mental

yeah, tuesday tv is house and mental between the usual cartoons (cuz anything is possible in cartoons)... i haven't tried bing.com yet, but it's on my list... so is sex, drugs, and rock n roll, but i've tried those... tv makes people fat... the commercials, i mean... humans are stupid that way... in many ways, at that... but then, it tells us it's ok while showing us it is not... but would you rather be a frog?... so are they exploiting the emotional instability that makes them fat?... the fat girls reality show, i mean... really sad, but then, so are most reality shows... american idol is coming to orlando... one of the best singers i know may be trying out... if he wins it all, i'll let you know... lately i eat more shrimp than any other animal... maybe i'll start seeing things... or am i just playing russian roulette with my cholesterol?... never was high before, i wonder what it would be these days... hey, remember when i used to insert all sorts of odd random links in my babbling as if they were an intergral part of the flow of the words?... well i miss you too, awwww...

scattered thoughts, aye?...

toons do that... what's your excuse? :)

so close, and yet

a fine dinner of stir fried shrimp and onions and rice, sweet and sour, and there I was, so close to slipping into the sweet depths of oblivious sleep and there is the phone… work… amazing, even for that place… just three hours ago I had a room full of people going through training for what to do in the event of several types of incidents, emphasizing what to do with a specific incident… we went over what to do several times… I handed them a piece of paper that stated what to do… we went over it again…

three of the people in the room were supervisors… and one of them apparently was not actually listening because she called me to ask me what to do in the exact scenario we went over at least four times, not counting the written instructions she had in her hand… she is the person responsible for teaching the nurses… scary is just the beginning of the thoughts… she called me, then went home…

of course that sudden drop into the bliss of deep sleep isn't rushing back now, five ridiculous phone calls later... and after a ridiculous refresher course in the piece of paper I handed to them just three hours ago, they might be following the instructions now…

yeah, amazingly scary...

going home early

well, not too early... but it's not yet five... of course since i was in before seven, it's still a long day... much accomplished, much more to get done... and of course my boss, dear ceo, focused on the surface bs, the piles of paper on my desk, the office not looking perfectly organized, and the complaints from the people who do not want to do their job, pay attention to detail, and every time i started to speak he projected his odd on me pretending i was arguing and subtly told me to shut up with the words "don't argue with me"... no one can disagree with him and he obviously feels threatened these days because i am asking him for direction less and taking initiative more and the control freak in him is freaking out... lucky we are in a psychiatric hospital, aye?...

another day at the lab... how's yours? :)

crazy busy morning

four meetings already and a pile of work done between them... and training, it is training day... trying to convince the staff to document what they do accurately, professionally, intelligently, and legally... too much to ask, some say, but then, that's the trouble with the place, low expectations and minimal accountability... i am trying to change that in spite of the the resistance, nay, opposition from the others at the top... but i figure if i hang in there at the top long enough even though they are doing everything they can to keep me out, they just might accept a bit of positive change via osmosis or something like that...

yeah, impossible dreams r me :}

what am i doing here?

awake again, getting ready for work... ridiculous, but that's what i do these days... responsible director... good director... insane director... ah, there's the laughter i was looking for... see why i blog? :)

(if not, nevermind... and good morning)...

make today precious :)

fool in a head

yeah, watching craig ferguson again, so with the early rising planning for tomorrow, only four hours sleep tonight, so maybe i'll crash after work tomorrow... and since the mind is vegging, this entry won't be nearly as cute or clever or whatever as the previous ntwo entries which were classics in their own mind nor will it maych the latest addition to the sidebar, which is there...

i'd get more sleep if i wasn't so much fun :)

nite nite :)

aww shucks

yeah, there i went and got all mushy in the last entry and you'll just have to find it in the archives if you missed it, but then, that's the life of the blogging maniac... still, no twitter... but the wonders of blogging every few hours can still be endearing if your heart is soft and mushy like mine...

another 97 degree day around here (100 degrees just a little bt northwest i hear) and it's 85 degrees at the moment... and nobody here to share the slippery sweaty sex that nights like these can inspire... ah, memories, soaking wet in the moonlight... and here i am all alone with only my appetite to keep me company...

sigh and all :)

nite :)

alright then...

the habit of late, a few weeks at least, longer perhaps as the volume of posts reflects it, the habit, that is, is to slide on home from work at whatever hour i finally leave and cook some dinner (which is not the light diet as much lately, as in the past week or two lately, cuz the italian pasta and cheese jones has returned), and sit back with the tv and the laptop to catch up on the day (or past twenty-four hours, even) in this thereal daily (multiple, aye?) blog...

yes, all in the hope that you, yes you, dear reader, will want to know all this (say you will), the hope that you, dear friend, will want to share all this (do you?), the daily ups and downs and spin arlounds that make up the story of this life hardly ever call mine...

cuz the dream of sharing everything completely openly and honestly as in unconditional trust that is the ultimate bonding (with or without falling in love, but how could one not fall in love with someone who gives the ultimate gift, all that and more... of course both would be amazing, maybe even the impossible dream, and not falling might be the most amazing challenge of all the impossible-er dream... and still, it turns me on, nyuk nyuk) is still the best dream of all... or as john denver sang, the only dream i know...

so what's up out there world?... friends?... lovers?... lend me your eyes?... hearts?... minds?... comments?... oh come on, come one, come all, come one... the one (ah, the magic words that keep everyone away... shhhh, i'm not supposed to know that)...

and all that jazz...

and so it goes...

narf :}

challenging timing

i've got to get in before 7am tomorrow and so, i've got to motivate myself to sleep tonight and so, i'm not going out to the softball game (if there even is one, i've lost track and interest in monday nights, obviously) and so, i'm gonna eat and vege and hope sleep just comes rolling round as i watch whatever is on monday night tv...

and what excitement are you injecting into your monday night? :)

getting better all the time

but how can it get better all the time, really?... i mean, just better and better and better and better and... wouldn't that get boring?... it might seem like constant change, but sheesh, it would be so monotonous, predictable, and somehow, wrong...

of course the creativity required to continuously improve, not to mention the creativity it would take to actually continuously find ways to enjoy it, well, that might be a fun challenge, but then, i'd find finding creativity it would take to actually continuously find ways to enjoy eternal hell a challenge...

anyway, the managers are turning to me more and more as they deal with the incidents and interventions (instead of ignoring them)... they are frustrated and complaining, but they are coming to me and did not bite on the bait the ceo laid before them this morning - no one even came near suggesting i was being too picky... and with a lot of help, they found issues with an incident that they did not find in the hour they tried earlier... they must learn to use the video better... but hopefully they will...

and i got a little of my own work done today too... wow, aye? :)

almost the same old

so dear old ceo did his usual thing of putting me in my place when i asked for his support at the morning meeting... i wonder if he realizes how much he undermines me most of the time... but i still appear to be winning over the nursing staff and the DON is getting more and more cooperative, so that is a good thing... i'll just keep up the cya game and get more direct and obvious next time...

I, Staff X, witnessed this incident:

This is what happened.

signed, Staff Y

that was the statement handed in in regard to an abuse allegation that will be part of the legel record if the case goes to court... i ask why Staff Y signed Staff X's statement and why they didn't write their own... two weeks go by and the managers hand the incident back in unchanged... so i show it to the ceo at the morning meeting as one of the ten examples i had handed to me this morning of the lack of appropriate follow up on incidents and investigations and he said i am too picky, his words, too picky... so i write approved by ceo on the incident and sign and date it and it's in the files with the hope that the case never goes to court... and odds are high that it will not, which is how he's survived all these years... but that is why the system is so dysfunctional and why our incident rate is so high and why no one stays in my position there for more than two years...

i'll just keep documenting, playing the cya game...

so how's your day? :)

morning monday

groggy and all that, but off i go to work again... much to do, much to get done... if only there were people right here, right now, to hug and squeeze and love and smile all around... heck, i might not get to work...

but i'd love every minute of it, jerry :)

make today great :)

to bed, to nap

from the big green chair i wobble into bed for a brief hour or maybe two... to sleep?... sorta... to dream?... of course, but not that i remember (cuz remembering can taint the purity of dreams, in case you didn't know)... so off i go to nao, and to what dreams may come...

nite nite :)

fatigue pains

the brain hurts... frontal lobe orbital, usually brought on by chemical imbalance, sleep deprivation, not resting when the body needed rest, and over-doing exercise in heat without eating properly... did all that today... foolish games, silly human...

yeah, after running around in the 96+ degree blistering sunshine (that supposedly felt like 104 degrees) i push the body to go out to the game party instead of resting and did not replenish the right foods... so the brain hurts, frontal lobe, due to imbalanced food, no doubt... and there was no balance at the party, so i am bloated with snacks and still have the headache... it was nice to see the people there though, and very nice to be welcomed and wanted...

more good news, the virus software was able to update while i was online earlier... good thing for the computer... yay for small miracles with the sucky att internet service...

definitely need sleep... but will it come?... so much junk food inside, so much imbalance... might have to take a rare pain pill to keep the frontal lobe orbital pain from keeping me awake... and a full eight hours sleep would be great, but i'll only be getting five or so tonight... definitely not the way to drop the weight, rebuild muscles, and maintain optimal health... so why drag me out past sensible?... at least i had mostly fun tonight... hope you did too :)

phew, the heat was brutal

but i played it comfortably and am not nearly as wasted as i might have been if i didn't promise to go back out tonight... of course that means i didn't get the exercise i really wanted this week, which might mean i will rise above the 200 mark again this week, which would suck in many ways, but people will probably be very happy to see me tonight and i love making people happy, so balance... or something like that...

off to the party now... hope your sunday is fun too :)

text alarms and sunday fun

text message was the alarm this morning, but at least it waited until 11:30am or so instead of the 8am of yesterday... i could have slept more, but softball calls and the hope that enough people will show up so we might play a game helped wake me more...

but it was work, specifically pondering how to lower the incidents of restraint and whether a new form of mechanical restraint would be more of a risk or more of a deterrent was the focus of the synaptic communications as i found myself designing a new mechanical restraint in my mind and before i knew it, the text message sound came again and again and again and i was actually awake...

heading to the field in about an hour, the weather people predicted near 100 degree heat so i might be insane, but softball and exercise is mandatory for the health and well-being of this particular being... there is a pool party meetup tonight at 6pm and i forgot it was today and i rarely say i will attend a sunday evening thing because after the softball, it is recovery time (and driving irritates the right achilles heel a lot) and i want to shower and rest and try to get a decent night sleep to let the muscles (and the heel) recover and start the week off rested and healthy... but a few people are kind of demanding i show up, so i told them i would be there after softball/shower, which means more likely closer to 9pm...

that means less sleep and a stupid start to the week, but that's what friends are for... ummm, or something like that... naturally i am willing to be stupid for friends... always with the hope that they will appreciate my sacrifice (but it's no sacrifice... it's a song... or is it?)... and my sarcasm, friends definitely need to appreciate my sarcasm to actually be my friends, cha know :)

into the shower then out to softball... make today fun :)

from chair to bed

that's what i do... sit here in the big green chair with the tv on for background noise (or better, music, for the influences are usually much better more creative deeper and more exciting) writing, reading, playing games, or whatever until i nod off and then, i wake and more from chair to bed...

like right now...

nite nite :)

so yeah, right?

don't miss a thing (never sleep) or fade back into the woorkwork of your life and leave yourself behind (along with just about everything else that ever mattered to youy except that little bit that hangs on almost accidently like that stuff between the riidges of your souls that you are not exactly certain what it is and you hope it isn't anything that might smell bad that you are used to so you can't smell it anymore if you know nwhat i mean...

right, yeah, so i caught you up on the past day or two and had fun plkaying with the words while the tv amused me in the backgroung with a few semi-interesting shows and a high school academic contest that scared me cuz the students were so relatively ignorant of so much and i answered every single question (senility does not have me jhust yet) and now, some snl that may never been what i remember it to be even if i got all the current cultural references...

i really want to enjoy the culture, but commerical arts and crafts sometimes are so biased and misguided that creativity and talent are sold out for some nepotism or random selection, like the jonus brothers, for instance, who seem to have everything in their fasvor, the music business machines, the disney push, marketing, songwriting, back up musicians, everything except talent... there are so many better performers in unknown bands floating around out there, it makes me sad...

it being what the music and entertainment business does to the average easily influenced adolescent... there is some great talent out there, but the ones sold as the best like the jonasses and miley must have the honor and backing and creating support because of their family connections because strickly on their talent i double they'd get to hollywood if they tried out for american idol (not that that is the litmus test for talent, but they have been doing pretty well over the years)...

if i've alienated you, well, you may just be another empty headed american adolescent fooled by the entertainment machine and i guess you wouldn't get pink floyd's wish you were here cd at all (no less the wall), or the us constitution or orwell, huxley, nitsche, vonnegut, poe, thompson, hale, franklin, heinlein, sartre, rousseau, or suess, for that matter but listen (and hold the books as if you are reading) anyway cuz it could make you seem cooler than you are...

are we in thereal yet?... party on narf :)

vegging (tv, music, chess, and whatever)

vegging comes in infinite (relatively) forms... in infinite, seems almost latin, but anyway... in infinitum... ad, even... yeah, so as i was saying, anyway... as much as the social side of me longs for social contact, interaction, and stimulation... as much as the body misses physical contact, human touch, and intimacy... as much as the heart aches for love, affection, and attention... the mind craves (craves, that's closest to obsession, madness, uncontrollable desires, you see?) literary communication, creative play, and intellectual challenge... yes, of all the interactions in this life, my favorite is and always has been the sharing of minds, the infinity of imagination, and the bliss of knowing, yes, knowing, and all that can become (believing, trusting, and even those delusional wonders of faith, hope, love, and spiritual enlightenment)...

but who really takes all that (or me) seriously, after all, do i?...

i'll leave this for you to ponder :)

yeah, bloggin'

blogging like a twitter, yeah... just imagine if i had internet on the cell phone and i actually thought people were waiting for my next perils of wisdom like ashton kushie (oh, yeah, i meant pearls of wisdom, silly typos)...

so on the way home i called jane and she got me to talking and thinking about going to the game party tonight down at the coronado hotel which nis what i had tentatively planned to do tonight but after the sleepless interruptions by the phone all morning and then the brain drain of working on a saturday and running around in the crowded heat, i am more interested in vegging in the big green chair tonight so...

she or her friend is going to call me from the game party later to tell me how it's going but by then i'll probably be modling inton the big green chair with my eyes half open and the floatation devises deployed for the few remaining awake brain cells in the skull at the top of this body i tentatively inhabit...

at least she distracted me from my almost stop at the mellow mushroom... so maybe i'll pig out on a frozen pizza at home... extra cheese please, yeah...

make it good :)

back to work

and the admissions assessment... i met precious at the library and wow, in the ironic, oh wow, sense, as i walk in i hear accordion music and there are four accordion players sitting in the meeting room with people listening to them play... apparently they have an accordion appreciation group in town and they were meeting at my local library just as i stopped by to meet precious...

memories, aye?... yes, in case you misse dmy mentioning it somewhere in the gazillions of words i've written in this life, i played the accordion once upon a time... yeah, just after i broken my violin...

so i did the assessment and now, out to another saturday evening of mahem and debauchery (or self-indulgent vegging, whichever comes first)... maybe i'll check out nthe new mellow mushroom on the way home... or call jane, whichever comes first... whatever i do, make your night fun :)

right, ok

so we ironed out expectations and then the the facility program manager and program coordinator and i sat down and too care of most of the outstanding follow up on the nursing incidents that have been sitting on the nursing manager's desk for weeks and then, three hours later, i still had an admissions assessment waiting...

but first, out into the heat anhd fun with precious...

gotta go to work

yeah, not just cuz i am on-call this weekend, but also because my assistant starts his new saturday-sunday schedule today and we've got to go over his assignments and my expectations and all that stuff... and then there may be an admission assessment or few for me to do... and i;ve got to call precious cuz i promised i'd take her shopping today so she has food to eat (and dinner to cook for her dad for father's day)... so hello day, blurry or not, here i come...

see ya later :)

why the phone?

six, seven, eight, lost count of how many times the phone rang this morning when i was trying to get a little sleep... work needed me, then calls from out the blue on a saturday morning... i answered work... they could have waited to call later... target wants me to pay for that rip off teeth whitening product that i returned because the company is not refunding my credit card and even though i told target i returned the product and am not paying and even cancelled my card, they are charging late fees each month and threatening me with collection and all that... and hospitals are calling for money because blue cross does not pay unless i raise hell with them and i have not had time to call and raise hell with them... and people called from far away out the blue as well... like this was the most popular and business-like saturday morning in years and the body so needed some sleep...

oh well, maybe tonight... saturday, right... make today fun :)

sun rising

spacing through chess and who knows what most of the night in between nodding off and hearing some rattle from the boob tube and dancing with the aliens in the mind we share we have a wonderful world it could be...

yes we can...

nite :)

awake asleep

or somewhere in between... with crap late night tv on the tube (except for craig ferguson, who is obviously my latest intellectual love interest, oh, if only he was mila kunis and single and here sitting on my lap instead of this laptop, you'd never know cuz my fingers would be doing something other than typing these words, but then, you'd miss me and wonder if i died or something, so good thing, aye?...

norah jones has such amazing eyes...

lost in the middle of the night

that's where some of my most profound thoughts and cleverly creative words end up, lost in the mildew of the night... i mean middle... even in thereal, here, where nbabble is not suppose to be, but then, that where some of my even more profound thoughts and cleverly creative words end up, lost in the babble... and the most profound thoughts and most cleverly creative words of all get lost in the babble in the middle of the night... the phantom of the opera ought to write a song about it, but if he did, it would most likely get lost in the babble in the middle of the music of the night...

ah, but if you were only here, i mean really here and her and here all the time, then i'd never have to say i guess you had to be there...

party on narf...

eyes blur, mind smiles

sleep deprivation may be the most expensive and dangerous drug of all, but of course, humans being suicidal, it is perfectly legal... and if there ever was any real doubt about my ability to assimnilate into humanity, the fact that i am about the most addicted purveyor and prognosticator of this most suicidal of all human insanities (cuz of my incorrigible predilection for the chemical bursts and mental trips brought on by sleep deprivation, you did get it, dintcha?) might just suggest that my years of feigning to so irreverently striving to learn to be a human might have just been a cover-up for my inate humanness after all...

what? :)

home early is good

yummy dinner of stir-fry shrimp and onions (with a bit of mexican stuff for an appetizer) and then, catching up on the details (and whining, of course... getting really dribbly of me, burp, wonder if i'll stop if i fall in love again... of course i will, but then, so many impossible dreams around, why not choose them all, nyuk) of life and then, back to the wonders of music...

on call this weekend though, so i'll be going in a bit tomorrow, but still, life is fun and musical and silly, so what me, worry?...

mad, aye? :)

what's that?... dys what?...

yeah, it is amazing (and scary) how much incompetence is tolerated in this world, even scarier in a hospital... we'll see how long it goes on as i point it out daily as i have this week... the daily blogs from work are getting boring (hmmm, no wonder so few of you are out there... every word is appreciated oodles, you know... really, mucho)...

so i am going home in a few minutes, which may raise an eyebrow or few and probably wuill get under the skin of the control freak ceo who leaves early and takes days off regularly but freaks out if i do... not sure if it's an alpha male thing or a long term plan to try to push me out because he'd rather pay a lot less for less competence or just the control freak thing, but i'll leave early today anyway...

i can get my work done at home, while at the office i am doing other people's work and that must slow down cuz all i am doing is enabling... i'll keep dreaming the dream however and slowly but surely, believing in improvements, will will them into existence... will will them, yup, i will will them...

see ya :)

another day, same dysfunction

hmmmm, as the performance improvement director, improving performance is my job... nobody actually believes it can be done... the system has been broken for a long time... everybody accepts it and the two highest levels of administration feed it, consciously or not, by undermining any changes that might challenge the status quo... insecurity at the top is a tough change to tackle...

and i continue in my mad quest...

you can call me don :)

not so ideal hours

yeah, this experiment of later meeting time and sleeping later is not working as well as it might if i didn't have so much to do at work and so, i've got to get back on an early waking track next week... so long craig ferguson and wacky guests... or is that sleep who is going away?...

good morning :)

must sleep some

craig ferguson and sandra bullock were fun together... she's really someone who should be higher on my list, even though she's married, cuz she's got so many qualities that are quirky enough to inspire my smile on so many levels... and it goes well beyond her easter eggs...

meanwhile, type type type and 250 cds are entered into the database and we're not halfway through the cd stacks yet... remember the cd stacks?... yeah, i know, i haven't been keeping up with them as i was for a while there... maybe i will tonight... or this weekend... or some time in the near future... or... where's my calendar, anyway?...

gonna fall over now :)

musical rush

huindreds of cds are poipping out of boxes all around me... so much excitement is pouring out of me i can barely sit still to type this... and as if i could get any more geekish, i finally opened ms access 2007 and created a database to keep track of all the cds and am entering, entering, entering... this could be an all night affair (some years ago, i'd have called in for tomorrow and celebrated for no other reason than the self-indulgence of buying music...

how did i become so responsible?...

rainout again

sheesh, life continues to throw curves and changes... work challenges and alas, no softball again tonight as the playoffs are rained out... so here we are again at home, every night this week... and you'd think i'd be rested, but nope, i've been getting less sleep this week than in weeks i go out four nights...

but there is excitement... after dinner, i've got cd boxes to open... dozens of them... i'll be back with the excitement in a little while :)

re-training again

all afternoon the training continued and the realization that we have the wrong person in the job became unavoidably clear so i told my boss and he asked me to put it in writing to her boss and cc him, and so i did... i don't know how she was hired as she has no skills required for the job, but here we are and unfortunately, it is she who is expected to do the job and i am the one in the middle needing her to do her job right...

meanwhile, i've got to get more done so i've just got to do her job and document that i am doing it and place deadlines on improvements as other tasks will fall by the wayside if someone doesn't satrt doing the nursing part of the job... i hope they can find something else for her, because she won't last where she is now...

time to go home now...

continue trying

ok, so the sucker giving guy i am is continuing to try to train our nursing supervisor once again today... there is not much more i can do as i provide specific instructions on what documentation or action i need and she either does not know how to do it or does not want to do it...

sucks to have to lay it on the line, but accountability is the biggest issue in the nursing department at the hospital and i've got to find ways to improve that, which means getting involved and delicately correcting nurses (since my license is not nursing, it is easy for them to challenge me on the surface, but on the other hand, they need to have done the right thing... choosing battles wisely is the name of the game...

welcome to my worklife, aye?

maybe morning

or something, whatever, morning, maybe, me go to work now... i wonder how there could possibly be war or depression or all that bad feeling stuff in the world when there is such a party going on in my head... i wish you all could enjoy it too... but of course, you've got to make your own... go on, you can do it :)

really, you can :)

what madness is this

that wakes me early from my momentary slumbers only to taunt me with the extra hour or two i can fairly freely sleep now that my meeting is 10am... ah, but i still have much work to get done... so maybe i will blow up, i mean go back to sleep now....

nitish :)

ummm, i think i meant nite nite ish (oh, now it makes sense :)

loving the music

wow, found norah jones on austin city limits and she'[s got seriously intensely beautiful eyes... i enjoy her voice and style too, but would love to see just how lost i could get in her eyes... yeah, i personalize everything... too much so for normals, but then, i'm not looking to be a normal... just me :)

and who is katie melua?... katie melua?... yes, katie melua... maybe the better question is why in the heck does it take so long for the #1 female artist in the UK and even all of Europe for two years or more who sold more than 10 million cds to become a household word, or even known over here?... silly americans...

well, when asked who her biggest musical influences were, she said Paul Simon's "Hearts and Bones", Jeff Buckley's version of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah", Joni Mitchell's "Marcie", Bob Dylan's "Masters of War", James Taylor's "How Sweet It Is (to Be Loved by You)", Chuck Berry's "No Particular Place to Go", Portishead's "Glory Box", Björk's "The Pleasure Is All Mine", Camille's "Au Port", Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name", Bobbie Gentry's "Fancy", Finley Quaye's "Even After All", Suzanne Vega's "Caramel" and Babyshambles' "Fuck Forever".

also Queen and Paul McCartney... I like her diverse tastes (and musical knowledge)... so i munched on a cream cheese and jelly sandwich with some grapefruit juice to start and a touch of the new chocolate protein drink i bought tonight when i was out shopping for precious... so i'll be up a bit longer now... just in time for craig ferguson, isn't that special? :)

loving it, you? :)

patterns

this week the pattern is the skipping meals and eating a huge meal late and more starches and carbs and sauces than veggies and light proteins... and staying up late with the tv or musc and the computer and snacking, pb&j, cream cheese & jelly, assorted cereals, and some frozen fried stuff... since dinners have been parmesean foods and tonight, ribs, it's amazing to find the body is still under 200... but it is... and with no exercise, no less...

could be much worse... so celebrate the patterns, even if they aren't ideal or perfect or optimally healthy... and enjoy :)

homeward bound

i've got to start taking the search for a new place seriously cuz i've got to give notice before the end of the month... so some time off work will be needed... and some saving of money, which means somehow i've got to stop giving precious and others money... if only precious and rasputin and others would pay me what they borrowed (not even counting the last nine months of paying for precious), i'd have a sweet retirement fund...

it would be so very sweet to be home again... someday :)

helping out

one of the managers is falling on her face, in way over her head, and part of what she isn't handling is the nursing part of the investigations and follow up i assign, so i spent a few hours today helping her by doing some of the work she's supposed to do... she's so far behind, we could get hit if an auditor or investigator walked in... but i could only do so much as i have my own blacklog to catch up on from 2006-2008 investigations that were never fully closed by the last risk manager, so i left her and the dorector of nursing a list of all the outstanding reports she's due to follow up on and hopefully that'll help get them caught up...

the best i can make of the dysfunction is the cycle continues because the ceo does not want competent people around due to his own insecurity and need to control everything... so i swim in a sea of incompetence... fun, aye?...

enough work, i'm heading out to buy precious some food and gas... make your evening worthwhile :)

no surprises in surprises

sudden change in schedule, the meeting will be held a half hour earlier, so the half hour i would have been preparing the projector and computer and presentation, the meeting was already going on... i do believe he enjoys keeping people offbalance and looking less prepared than they could be if he didn't constantly pull the rug out from under them and then criticize so much...

seriously dysfunctional place, but then, it's easy in many ways because the minimum is all that is expected, and not just the minimum, but the minimum done poorly... no wonder some are intimidated by the reports i present... when we we every learn? :}

love your day too, ok? :)

another work morning

so how did i get back on this corporate merry-go-round and even more insane, how did i find people dependant on me again so i am caught in the loop of working to pay bills for others... you'd think i'd have learned by now...

i must get something out of it, for a while, at least, aye? :}

hi ho :)

crawling to bed

slept a bit all crunched up in the big green chair (cuz i fell asleep before i reclined in the middle of a chess game)... maybe i'll sleep an extra half hour or so this morning, though i have early meetings to prepare for...

oh well, sleep tomorrow :)

wackadoodle me

bmg music is sending me duplicate cds (maybe based on my previous orders, aye?) as i am trying to use up all of my free cd awards and i hope it is not a way to rip me off for the free awards... i'm going to return the cds and see if they are going to charge me for the shipping for the return or the other cds i order in place of the duplicates... that would suck, but isn't that what capitalism is about, trying to get over on the consumer to pad the profit margic...

i am so tired of the phonieness of the humans ways...

meanwhile, i am bloating into a blissful stupor this week (which is not going to sit well come the weekend cuz i was asked to a pool party and i definitely do not feel like a pool party... irony, aye?... what is the point of the buff body when it attracts the superficial phoniness that is so easily exposed by letting a bit of flab grow?... the shallow think they know better, the bloated think they know better, but then, what do i know...

nyuk nyuk...

if you don't get the joke, no worries, we love ya anyway :)

sheesh, how to stop

maybe it was precious calling and asking for more money cuz she will have her license revoked if she doesn't pay the ticket and the late fees cuz she let the ticket deadline pass even though we went over the results of letting a ticket deadline pass without paying it so another $200 or so, but we've got to somehow stop the bleeding...

another night of bloating (so up over 200 again, almost afraid to see how much) on frozen italian food, lasagna this time and it sucked, but i consumed (as in pigged out on) the whole package, which was, i believe, family size... but then, i am my own and only family, so maybe that's why i eat family-sized portions, aye?...

yeah, it's even stranger inside my brain :)