nodding

like a bobble head... did i mention jane and i went to see night at the museum 2 last night?... we met a bunch of people from the meetup movie group there and then we walked around international drink and the pointe orlando place for a couple of hours... hopefully it was as much her interest as my wanting to talk about me, but i was exploring the history of my relationships and given the time (which i don't have, of course, cuz i've got work early tomorrow and am nodding at the moment), i would most likely continue the re-write of parts of my autobiography... calendars, timelines, chapters, once upon a time there were lots of very personal writings about me in my files... even when no one was interested...

i stopped that somewhere along the way in the last few years... maybe since toronto... and maybe, based on our conversation last night, it is time to review in more detail than before just how many things have not been done since toronto and maybe more improtantly, how many i've not noticed or worse, how many stopped and i thought they did not staop... for instance, unresolved hurt or fear that is the root of my choosing to remain alone as opposed to simply not finding someone who interests me enough... the latter is true, however, could it be due to the former... these are the questions the young heart ponders in these wee hours of the night...

manwhile, midnight approaches and energy rises, which sucks as the body requires sleep tonight... wonderful, aye? :)

good people

the team, that is... they are good people... i have very little in common with most of them as they are mostly a lot younger and drink like all the other teams and most are in couples and being the only sober guy, straight guy, older guy in a room full of drinking gay couples is kind of isolating... but they are good people and i would have actually made it to the part as planned if i didn't get a call from someone who needed help in kind of an emergency that isn't for public blogging... and while that seems like a cop out for me, full disclosure is a rare choice for humans so interacting with humans leaves me writing entries like this one on a fairly regular basis when i am interacting with humans and actually trying to record the details of the experience in thereal...

see all all good people turn their backs and say be on your way?... irony is, i didn't think of that lyric when i wrote the title of this entry... eerie, perhaps, if you're like me and find way too many perspectives in every experience than can be fully explored or even partially explored, no less shared or articulated or included in brief blog entries...

oh, but the connections are magical sometimes :)

crispy

i am the ambivalently aware owner of a slightly crispy face as even with facial sunblock, the constant perspiration and wiping of the brow leaves the forehead vulnerable to the blistering sunlight... must get hat and remember headbands for the sunday practices... the weather people say use the treadmill instead of jogging outdoors... florida summers, not nice to the skin...

meanwhile, it was right about here that i would write that it is time to find a place to wash up a bit and change and head over to the team party... so since this is one of the catch up entries for today, that's what i just did...

late, but ok

yeah, i arrived late at the softball camp or clinic or boot cazmp or whatever they were calling it and they weren't really pushing the limits (like a half dozen swings in the batting field and a half dozen ground balls and fly balls on the fielding field... at least there was a scrimmage at the end which was fun, except i was not hitting well and only went 1 for 3... they were lucky it was brutally hot and sunny so nobody really wanted to push any harder...

so i still need to find a better way practice fielding anf hitting... meanwhile, my right achilles tendon still has tendonitis or something as even without pitching, just running around, i found pretty severe pain and stiffness immediately after leaving the field... i wonder if the achilles tendon will have the same reaction on the elliptical or just jogging...

continue...

the jones rises

the softball jones, that is... two weeks without any softball... that's the longest i've gone in almost two years... and then, there was the conversation last night... a rush through the story of my heart in broken segments in leaps and bounds in surface stories in hanging participles... and as i wonder what memory remembers and what memory leave sout (did i mention i updated the history of my heart last night?... shhhh, i'll share the rhyme eventually)...

what now my love?...

ah, now, it's time for softball :)

a little ridiculous

i suppose... a full day of softball in a few hours and i am still awake... i bought a stack of cds and played more chess and listened to more music and now, maybe, sleep...

nite nite :)

wide awake, almost

yeah, not totally wide awake, but still way too energized to sleep (perhaps it was the food i ate when i got home a few hours ago... healthy stuff, but still, late for the body if sleep was to happen)... but food or no food, it is my time of the day... and there's music and dreams that will not sleep, if you know what i mean...

sharing the night, alone... smiling (with a giggle, even), anyway :)

sleep?... of course not

it is saturday night, after all... so i watched a tv show and then the infomercials came on, so i turned on music (thank you infomercials) and dia inspires my smile with her serious and fun vocal personality... i think the most fun for me about meg and dia is watching/listening to their music and voices grow since i chose them when i first saw them in the myspace tent on warped tour... and though there's still plenty of room for growth, they did not disappoint me with their second cd...

and the night smiles with me... how about you? :)

early night flashback

jane is really cool, sweet, much like the girl i lived with for nine years in the eighties... she gives me the sense that we could be great friends, at least before midnight... she's a very early riser and that means early to bed, so when i am feeling the surge of another night wind through my psyche, she's fast asleep... and oh, how i love sleeping late in the morning... still, she's got all the qualities of a beautiful true friend... so i smile as i did in the eighties, even as i still wonder, where is my muse of the night?...

time to go

yep, gotta run... going to the movies... a nice relaxing afternoon, two hours of it on the phone though which left little, errr, no time for anything else except a shower and now, a run out the door to drive to the movies... if you want more words, see the previous entry... and of course, the babbles...

make your night fun too :)

good sleep

used to be, for most of 2008 and half of 2007 and early 2009, i went out four to six nights a week, on average, and some periods I’d have up to twenty nights in a row where I was going out somewhere to do something with others… the last three months I slowed down that social life considerably, heading out only once a week and in some cases, not at all (except for four or five times a week for softball, so it’s not actually that I was staying home, actually, just that I was not expanding my social contacts as much)…

and cutting back on social life has not even slightly increased my sleep time, in fact, spending more time at home has decreased my sleep time, as it usually does, because inactivity increases my stored energy and craving for mental stimulation and so I spend more nights up late looking for something interesting or amusing on tv (a futile effort most nights) or exploring new music and browsing the web and/or writing and/or playing games…

so last night, except for a brief roll over earlier, was the sweet deep sleep I have not enjoyed for some time and go figure, it was in the big green chair (which is not nearly as comfy as it used to be)… and now, after exploring the new laptop a bit more (and writing to intel cuz they asked for feedback… you can find the letter somewhere online and if I remember to upload it to my web world I will try to remember to link it here at some future date and time) and now, it is time to ponder the day and evening…

calling precious and raspy and minnie and jane and possibly others is on the agenda, but as I do not want to spend the afternoon on the phone and I am challenged to find ways to stop giving the first three money every month (and is it the first of the month already?... sheeesh, no wonder I cut back on social life… and yes, it is time to come up for air and change the pattern, but saying no is such a sour taste in my mouth… still, i am not getting enough of what I want, nor am I taking care of myself as well as I could/should/want to, so there must be an adjustment in the imbalance…

could be an interesting day, narf :}

i think i mean overrated

waking, that is... you've got to keep up to follow, you know... yes, famous last words or quotable potables or something like that... you've got to keep up to follow... and we cannot begin to trying be partners and walk side by side until we know each other well enough and the way to trule know another is to follow, so...

ya folla?

dinners end early

which is why, i suppose, most people who keep relatively normal human hours prefer dinners for social life... which is why, i suppose, most people are overweight, especially in this country... which is not what i am pondering too deeply tonight, except in the sense that i am home earlier than my circadian rhythm would like on a night I went out socially… especially since I do not go out socially much these days…

on the other hand, dinner was good and the company was much fun and I am physically drained and falling asleep any time now would be a very excellent and healthy idea for the body, which does include the brain, even if the thoughts in the brain do not like or want to agree with that…

so I hope your night and week was fun too :)

on the run again

in the door and out the door, just stopped by to check on where the dinner I am supposed to be at tonight actually is located so I can get there on time… ah yes, across town in rush hour traffic… it is time for the out-the-door part now…

have fun :)

plans suck

cuz life is unpredictable, after all… i mean, i was all set to head out the door early today and work work work… paper paper paper... emergency emergency emergency... work... paper… emergency… fun?... of course it’s fun, cuz I love challenges and numbers and problem solving and helping people and that’s what it’s all about… the job, that is… rest is good too… and games, non-productive just-for-fun no-obligation games are much fun as well… but work games are fun and put money in my pocket so I can afford other games and stuff at work and when I am not working so yay for fun everywhere…

I’m gonna get back to finishing the survey response so I can mail it out to corporate today and I’ll leave the safety report for monday cuz one part hasn’t come into me yet anyway and a lot of other stuff got done, so yay for productivity and keeping up with landslides :)

hope you are making your day fun too :)

what a job

chugging along and forgetting about lunch again, the body laughs at the mind... it's a kind of semi-suicidal laugh, cuz death is a relative inevitability, after all, but laughter is better than most anything else, except chocolate sometimes, and a good cry that ends in laughter, that too...

back to work now, the paper is flowing in at an alarming rate and i am not a fan of alarms, so i am gonna process, crunch, analyze, and all that jazz...

waking is underrated

that's right, underrated... totally underrated...

hi ho :}

madness abounds

you guessed it, chess, no sleep... the game player in my head is aching for more even as the brain cells are aching for sleep... con sciousness over the corporal... mind over matter... at least until the matter explodes, implodes, or otherwise dissolves back into some primordial goo...

i love you too, but you're not here, so i love the games :)

fine instead

well, instead of sleeping like a wise sensible responsible person in a human body that requires rest regularly, I stayed awake… and instead of using the awake time to continue amazing myself and the world with my infinite creativity, I played chess… hours and hours of chess… and what did that accomplish, we ask… well, distraction and stimulation, good for the brain…

so fine, not fulfilled by magically expressive rhymes or profound prose or finding amusement or the one, but fine… hope you had a fine evening too… at least :)

almost gone, was i

yeah, munched down the oatmeal chese cake thing (with mac n cheese crackers to add some cheddar cheesiness and then, snooze but only for a few minutes... must have some sort of jones about catching up on this recording thereal in the written word kind of thing or something, aye?...

maybe i'll close my eyes and fall into sleep a little early tonight though, aye :)

isn't life strange :)

home and hungry

but cooking is so not in the cards, so crackers and the leftover oatmeal cheese thing i made the other night... oatmeal, fat free cream cheese, fat free milk, and splenda... like oatmeal cheesecake, yum...

weird?... hey, they are my taste buds and they love me :)

wonder how long before i crash...

slowing down

still don't know if softball is rained out tonight, but it rained again this afternoon... and groggy is the state of the mind and do i caffeinate or do i linger an hour or few and see what more i can get done... softball 8:30PM or what?... hold off on the caffeine and wander around relatively aimlessly wins...

:)

thanks to caffeine

i am awake and getting a little more done, a new checklist to battle the lack of competence and accountability... it went over well with the don who is responsible for holding the nurses accountable and the admin assistant who is responsible for chasing down the documentation the nurses do not do (that they are supposed to do)...

lunch is tuna and grilled cheese and the salad bar looked sucky... wonder what the afternoon will be like... hope yours is fun too :)

all night long

played chess, listened to music, browsed a bit to find more music and interesting profiles on myspace, and nhere we are, morning once again... and must get into the shower and get out the door, so i'll take the protein coffee drink with me cuz there's hopefully softball tonight...

and what are you gonna do with your day? :)

playing chess to music

yeah, still awake, yes, wide awake... got lost in playing chess against the computer and listening to the music and browsing around myspace for the first time in a few months... and at this rate, it does not appear that i will be sleeping tonight at all... so a nice nap and then, the brain wants to play all night... so much happiness inside, how can i say no every time?...

hope you had fun too :)

in thereal (pt1)

some might call my real manic, but from my perspective, people seem to like to give things labels, especially derogatory labels, because things scare people and labels somehow make them feel safer, or at least better… something about book covers, or something like that… so energy scares people and I’ve got a lot of it, way more than anyone ever wanted to really share or even explore as some sort of science experiment or something…

maybe I ought to put aqualung on after the widow… whatcha think?... perhaps, if I wanted to expand this into a whole other direction or extend this to several hours instead of a couple… what am I talking about?... the playlist, of course… the music… if you care to make the time to listen (as I am trying to do tonight, though the internet is not completely cooperating thanks, most likely, to the crappy att service I way overpay for because of corporate greed and probably illegal kickbacks here at the apartment living level, but that’s besides the point), you may find out more about me than I knew I was sharing, or you may completely misunderstand my sense of humor (or depths) and find something never meant to be… that won’t make it any less real, at least not for you, but friction can burn as easily as it can bliss, so beware, aye?...

lube is a good thing…

so some of the songs will not play all the way through and I am not sure if that will be a random thing due to my awful att internet connection or whether that is a myspace issue as the playlist never did work for me on my older computers… anyway, the discord is as ironic as an oxymoron as it is presenting as perfect for me so far (though I can feel (see, hear) more work (insertion of additional songs beyond the first six or eight or so) is still coming before I will call the playlist nearly presentable as done, as if anything is ever completely done, aye?... I suppose that the ones (tapes, mostly) lost or stolen along the way might be considered so, at least by those who possess them, but they only lost what might have been, in thereal…

anyway, the dischord of the broken connections or myspace issues causing songs not to play to completion is so very not presenting as perfect for me so far… perhaps deeper thought and more intense focus on listening will help on the second or later go-rounds, but for now, this is the biggest yay since the last one…

wish you were here :)

and so it goes (really?)

not so much thereal, but still, maybe sort of more than it first appears, so I bring it here as well as wherever else it might appear to appear differently… oh really?... why yes, craig, I could be sleeping, or doing any number of things, instead of leaving obscure yet compelling comments like this one:

oh, yeah, alright, are you gonna be in my dreams - tonight?.... wait, what i meant to say was - awesome man, a bunch of old dudes pretending not to care cuz all the cool kids are doing it these days, don't wanna be called no hippie, no way man... enjoy the paunch, he said, and then he died...

now, either you cracked a pool cue and are ready to swing at me or you are laughing and for my occasionally peculiar tastes, the latter is much more amenable... thanks for noticing my mundane existence, may you enjoy yourself even more now that we can celebrate together… remind me to check out your music when I have a time to do a bit more than leave snarky comments cuz the cool kids don’t rule all the time, cha know?…

somewhere in these words is a heartfelt belly laugh and appreciation and well wishes and a big smile, hope you found it all and not just the what the f? :)

hey, I smiled at the end, right?... so of course everybody everywhere knows and understands my harmless intend as I reach out only to share my love, amuse, enlighten, and assist the world in becoming a better place, right?... come on, you get me, right?...

they are called veiled apathy, by the way… the band, not the comment… the name and introductory words merely inspired the comment and therein, this entry… celebrate now, or forever miss the moment you might have shared…

back to the music, see ya :)

where did i go?

i don't remember much sometimes, like when i dream, but also, sometimes, when i am wide awake... i send my mind on vacation for a day or so... i must have wanted to distract myself last night, but i don't recall exactly how and why might have been any number of reasons... music, it was music, sweet music... it is all coming back to me now (time being relative and all)...

i napped for the last few hours... sweet nap...

hope your evening was sweet too :)

sleepy

a sweet sleepy feeling coming on as i watch the two after-work shows that I typically turn on if I turn on the tv after work if I am home at the hour I am technically supposed to be home cuz I technically work a 9-5 (though the 8am meeting kind of starts the whole day off on an expanded clock, aye?), friends and deal or no deal… and I just may turn off the tv and turn on the music and give into the wonder of sleep…

shhhh, don’t tell me, i might wake up :)

veggie burger

lunch, that is… getting some work done, though on a different track as my assistant appears to be unreliably not showing up on time again… I’m going to have to do something and yet, the limits of the budget leave me with no real viable option as he is not budgeted at all and his not showing up plays right into the goal of cutting back his hours… trouble is, there is too much work for one person and I am already taking way too much of the shared admin assistant’s time as it is…

ah, corporate America, the greed rises to the top and attempts to oppress all else… caring?... no time and how does that help the bottom line beyond the surface appearances... and here I sit once again between the faces, the marketing reps who present the way it should be, the way we’d all like it to be (except the few greedy ones at the top)… and the dark clouds, greedy ones at the top… and the promise, the hope, the kids, the ones who need us to care, for real, about them more than the holy dollar…

fun, isn’t it? :)

morning unbroken

oh yeah, yeah yeah yeah, and all the memories sweetly return… so I slept a few hours and run out the door to work now with music on my mind… may your day be as wonderful as mine already is :)

time?... sleep?... what?...

still at it... and so I continue and this is it so far, the playlist, so far… you have to be in the mood to sit back and let the music soak in for an hour or more, chilled and warmed and breathing deeply and relaxed and focused and open to wherever the sounds may take you… cuz the words matter as much as you want them to… profound, even…

and remember… you’ll never know what you are missing unless you find it :)

oh man, really

the excitement doesn't just continue to build, with all due respect (and it's lots) to harry, the excitement explodes (almost gleefully, but definitely some sort of explosion) as it has not done in many months, or weeks, at least, and perhaps years if that is possible... somewhere in my babbles tonight, or soon, some clarity might slip through the fog (or veiled apathy), but obscure references are still the most fun i can have alone sitting down, i think, so carry on dancing synapses, and may we all enjoy the merriment as much as me, or more, even, if you are able, willing, and have a mind to…

music, putting songs together to create a mood, meaning, message, communication, and wonder… if only for myself, and, of course, the one cuz, all hokey pokey aside, that’s what it’s all about :)

music, and more telling

omigoobers, i am repeating myself, i know... but you just either understand or you don't... and maybe one or two or a few do, but as nobody is here, i just repeat myself because it is way too much excitement to keep to myself...

yeah, gooberlicious, gosh darn almighty powers of the universe, infinite energies of the eternal whatever and chocolate... i finally found them again... and tomorrow, when i get to work, i will order them... and no longer will i wait for this promise to be kept, a huge part of a failure i must accept, a trust i must give up on, so a new dream can fill my eyes (thank you gary moore)...

so suddenly, instead of going to bed, i found the myspace music player and have been losing myself in browsing music and putting together a play list and oh, i wish you were here, from the distant past, present, or future (cuz time is relative and if you were here, you would not only be in the present, you would be the present... words are so much fun...

and whether you recall how much putting music together means to me or not, i am... the time and focus has not been there in years, nor has the reliability of technology (as exemplified by the holes in the music player at the top of thereal™ or the top of my myspace blog where I places my most recent musical collection some time ago and find songs missing every time I return… alas, they lack, and all…

and all...

but them, the telling, blue solitaire… yes, I found it again… and soon, I shall listen to it again… I suppose the universe (and the telling) are telling me that I waited long enough for this promise (oh wow, true gold, how cruel some can be without even knowing- or worse- knowing... falling and speechless alone in bed, laughing at secrets i'm home again... we believe what we want to believe) to be fulfilled and it is time to move on to more real… sigh, and all that… jazz or not...

so i’ll stay lost in music for a while now… see ya :)

omigoobers

that's right, omigoobers... as in omigoobers, i found them... and tomorrow, when i get to work, i will order them... i suddenly, instead of going to bed, found the myspace music player and have been browsing music and am starting to put together a play list and oh, a few of you (who may not even know this blog is here) from the distant past may recall how much putting music together means to me... the time and focus has not been there in years, nor has the reliability of technology (as exemplified by the holes in the music player at the top of thereal™ or the top of my myspace blog where I places my most recent musical collection some time ago and find songs missing every time I return… alas, they lack, and all…

but them, the telling, blue solitaire… yes, I found it… and soon, I shall listen to it again… I suppose the universe (and the telling) are telling me that I waited long enough for this promise to be fulfilled and it is time to move on to more real… sigh, and all that…

so i’ll be lost in music for a while now… see ya :)

don't pick seventeen

see, that would be my strategy if i was on deal or no deal, but then, that doesn't mean i'd win anything, it only means i like the number seventeen... and twenty two... and nine and three if i am limited to twenty two choices... of course i'd hold on to forty two and fifty fifve if i had more choices... keep in mind i have never won the lottery, but then, i only bought maybe a dozen tickets in this life... so if my mumber ever won, i'd probably miss it...

meanwhile, life at work was busy but little got done because the computer systems were up and down and they were still working on why when i left... there was a lightning strike very close because one of the main electric panels was blown off, but the computer lines were hit and miss... i was lucky that mine worked for most of the day, but the line to the network printer did not work so i couldn't print what i needed to print (and i don't have the multiple screens set up yet, so i never really got rolling and then there were five investigations from over the weekend and the person assigned to them needed hand holding for the umpteenth time and come to think of it there was a webinar for two hours in the morning and i got to watch half of it before the network cut it off and i couldn't get back in...

wait, as if that wasn't enough to go wrong, when i got out to my car i found someone hit it while it was parked and the side headlight is cracked and side panel dented... of course there's no insurance from the hospital, so i'm stuck for the bill when i get around to fixing it... like i have time... the worst thing is it's still raining, ten days in a row, so having a cracked headlight and driving around to find a place to fix it in the rain is yet another challenge today threw at me...

some days it just doesn't pay to wake up, aye? :}

almost gone, i was

yeah... the network people were crawling all around and there's way too much confidential paperwork in my office so when i found one sitting at my desk i decided it was time to log off and lock up for the day... that was an hour ago and i'm still here cuz someone asked for a special report and i didn't want to leave it for tomorrow... so i'm finishing up that report and then getting out of here...

work life is like that :}

some days

yeah, like today... sending a few words from work cuz the network is up and down today and that keeps the me from shifting into high gear... so i'm gonna eat spaghetti and some sort of meat sauce (i think it's ground turkey) just cuz i'm hungry and wasn't lost in work so i am remembering to eat...

hope your day is going better :)

only words

yeah, while watching tv i found some words flowing and life is wonderful, longing for love, longing for sharing, longing for music, longing for creative interaction, longing for trust most of all, it's not completely gone and that is wonderful...

i am downloading a new version of adobe because the older versions have security issues... too bad windows didn't tell me that... and with att downloading at a grand 10kps, yes, the horrible att aircard service continues, it's taking over an hour to download... i've really gotta start looking for another place... but this weekend was sweetly relaxing...

meanwhile, bones seems to be an atheist, which is quite amusing and it's surprising religious groups are not protesting... i mean, she flat out called the religious people delusionary to their face... maybe tolerance is finally happening a litte, aye?... or enlightenment, if you have a mind for that...

agnostics find it all amusing... or a waste of time... or both... whatever, religion and politics don't lest long in my brain... i'd rather be enjoying life than trying to control it or predict or or whatever... sharing, that's what i want... sharing the moments, the real...

how are you? :)

music music music

and yes, for today, all meg and dia... i mean, i'm still loving lenka and demi lavato and kate vogele and many many others, but today is mega and dia's day... i didn't get any laundry or cleaning done, but i did create two accounts for two of my email addresses and set up a lot of filters in the email program so the mail gets sorted and i trained the spam filter with lots of spam and now i'm gonna watch some tv, house and bones...

relazing and loving it :)

updated the windows experience

i haven't explored all the updates i installed and i stopped a few of them because i don't particularly like the idea of windows live wanting to be connected to microsoft all the time and sending information back and forth from my computer without letting me know what the computer is sending or why or what is being done with the information... microsoft is so trying to be big brother as in brave new world and 1984 and i wonder how much the government is a part of it and whether it would be better or sorse if they were cuz, after all, microsoft does have a monopoly on so many aspects of our online and technological lives and monopolies are illegal, so the government has some reason for allowing it, just as they allowed ma bell and other monopolies to last so long...

we won't ask why there are not clearly publisized repercussions for the big companies declaring bankruptcy after receiving billions of dollars of our taxes... i mean, would the government give me a few hundred thousand dollars and then let me get away with declaring bankrupcy and not paying it back?...

i am so loving dia's voice today (yes, linking meg and dia again)... and so appreciate her and dia and the band taking me back into the musical imagination that has helped me survive the human madness all around me all these years)... she's got hold of my head and i willingly give it cuz she gives me hope, imaginary or not, that the cynicism has not permanently taken over my mind... in so many ways she is such a little girl and has so much growing to do... but in so many ways she is an old soul who i wouldn't mind following constantly very closely for a while... i settle for following occasionally from a distance cuz that's life at the moment and i enjoy what it is...

diving back into the words now... celebrate, will ya? :)

could have slept more

but woke to the day... feeling the heat outside, the sun is actually sort of shining... nine straight days of cloudy rainy weather is so very rare for here... and the music addition has returned powerfully as i am listening to meg and dia on repeat even though there are a few dozen unopened new cds sitting next to me and hundreds sitting in newly alphabetized stacks... yes, i alphabetized most of the cds... not including the hundreds of cd copies in the cd books... someday i'll catalog again...

meanwhile, i shall indulge the web nerd and the writer (and who knows what else) in me today and spend time downloading updates and letting words flow at will...

make your day fun too :)

yay for stuff

music stuff especially... i roamed and searched and bought some more stuff... all music stuff, except for one t-shirt... meg & dia and other music... and now i lay me down to sleep...

giggling all the way :)

music returns

i am thinking of buying this... feel free to share your vast wealth of knowledge about the product and appliances in general and your sharing will be rewarded in some magical way someday...

meanwhile, music returns in the form of meg & dia (yes, the dear creative writers are still inspiring adoration) who rise to new heights in my music imagination... dia is gifted in so many ways (and yes, i may be biased as the child inside fell in love with her effevescent smile several years ago in the rain at in a tent warped tour) and she is growing in vocal personality on the recording... meg is brilliant and playful lurring me into her mind where i happily get lost... yeah, i so want to write and sing with them and embrace their empathic intellects and ecclectic creativity...

and i'm listening on the laptop... so much yay :)

another social night

dinner was pretty amazing for an omnivore with strong carnivore tendencies... if you have not tried texas de brazil and you are into food and don't mind being around a lot of dead animal flesh (or are carnivorous) and have $50 or more to pop on a dinner, it is your kind of place... the salad buffet is huge and does not skimp on the good stuffand high quality, three kinds of portabellas, sun dried tomatoes with garlic cloves, salmon, several fresh cheeses, lobster bisque, a variety of rice and beans and souces, shrimp, and fifty other choices... then comes the meat... the waiters bring it to you on skewers and slice off as much as you want... felet mignon, filet wrapped in bacon, leg of lamb, top serloin, beef ribs, pork ribs, and a half dozen other meats... quality?... the beef ribs cut with one stroke of a fork and melted in the mouth... all in all, a bargain with the 25% discount... meat eaters paradise...

after dinner we headed over to the new ale house on i-drive... the outdoor patio is bigger than most ale houses... huge screens everywhere and we got to see the end of the magic-cavalier game... magic up 2-1 (one amazing shot away from 3-0, but can they maintain?... we shall see)... and while a few did the drinking thing from pitchers to shots to irish car bombs to electric lemonades to liquid heroin (why don't they just make drugs legal and distribute the poisons more evenly, rather than focus primarily on the liver?), i digested the food and conversed...

arriving home with the resolve to finally forget i have a tv and turn on the music trying out this laptop's music capabilities... we shall see how this progresses... meanwhile, i hope you hd as much fun as i did tonight (or more even :)

a touch of sun

right on time as i am getting ready to head out for a birthday dinner for a friend at texas de brazil... i spent the last few hours wandering around online, looking for reviews for food processors, mixers, blenders, and juicers cuz i am gonna buy one this year (might wait until after i move at the end of august cuz there's no counter space in the kitchen here)... and i've got to start planning a few days off for apartment hunting...

anyway, this three day weekend is coming just at the right time as rest was so desperately needed, so even though i miss softball a lot, i am enjoying the healing time... maybe i'll get to he gym tomorrow... taking care of myself is a good feeling...

hope you are feeling good today too :)

sweet sleep

a full second consecutive four hour cycle and life is so beautiful... rain falling outside, so no softball, but a day of rest, ever so rare, is so very welcome in this life these days...

hope you are making your day wonderful too, whatever you choose to do :)

four hour cycle

yeah, it is consistent, four hour sleep cycles and waking at the end of a cycle is the most refreshing time to wake... i'm gonna go back for another cycle though cuz two in a row is a rare treat...

loving your day too, i hope :)

what when where?

oh, just woke wondering what happened (when nothing happened except i woke... probably in the middle of a dream beneath consciousness... so i'm heading to bed now for the day... enjoy life out there :)

fun, food, philosophy

getting home from the party and an interesting group of minds that got more and more serious as the night went on (alcohol) for a few people and i drifted in qand out of the seriousbess cuz, after all, it was a party dangit...

hope you had fun tonight too :)

bought an ab belt

yup, i broke down and bought one of the electronic muscle stimulator belts and it will either be a waste of money or the thing i should have done many years ago to wake up my abs which have been sleeping for way too long and are an essential aspect of the physical experience i've been shirking or diminishing or whatever the word might be for way too long...

didn't get anything else done today cuz i was researching the ems technology and various other products (even checked out diet pill products, but none impressed me enough to buy) and so, in a week or so, i'll be checking out ems technilogy up close and personal...

and now i'm gonna shower and head out to the toga party... have fun :)

not enough days off

but i do have monday off, which is a big yay... so rest, maybe gym (but time is short), and out to a toga party tonight... and today, i am torn between cleaning the place and the car, catching up on email and reading and writing, getting some work done for work, and heading to the gym...

leeft to my own devices, i think we know what'll happen :)

make it fun :)

the internal clock wakes

but i am heading back to bed... what are you up to this fine saturday morning?...

shhhh, a few more hours sleep for me :)

nodding off

finally opened word 2007 and started a new file, a new letter to myself and the world, a new message to the one and all of you... and new report to the home planet... even as i nod off, the cycle rewinds and springs forward... and the babble places will rejoice...

wish you were here :)

accomplishments

using the incompetence of the e-seller to get a bigger discount is one small accomplishment... getting remote access to the corporate computers for my corporate laptop is another accomplishment... completing the powerpoint presentation and survey response three weeks early is another accomplishment... not getting through to my assistant about his poor time and attendance is not an accomplishment and i'm gonna have to take finding someone who can do data entry quickly more seriously... getting home before 5pm, accomplishment... eating a ton of pasta and cheese is not...

fun is...

there is still not enough time in a day, but almost every moment is fun... even without a partner, it gets more fun all the time...

meanwhile, checking emails (in spite of the horrible service att provides for $80 bucks a month), i find emails from twitter telling me i am being followed... i don't even use twitter and i am being followed... weird, huh?... i suppose this blog is almost twittering, but this is babble compared to the brevity of twitter... imagine what the babbling blogs are compared with this one and this one is babbling on and on compared to twitter... so weird... accomplishment?...

laughter is an accomplishment... and i am accomplished... oh so fun and accomplished... hope you are too :)

hoop jumping sometimes pays off

yes, well, hello again... the title refers to the e-seller for the kaspersky company... kaspersky is the top rated anti-virus software according to a few different reports i read, so i tried it for the past thirty days and for the past few days i've been trying to buy it and the e-seller (element5) wouldn't take my money... the weirder part was that the software was being offered for $139 for three years and then when i clicked on the 'buy' button, the invoice came up $159...

as the program was running out of time, i bought it anyway... it wouldn't take my paypal and so i tried again the next day, but this time i did a search for a coupon code and found a 20% off code that brought the price down to $137 including a $9.95 hard copy on CD... that was more fair even if the element5 site tried to rip me off... then it wouldn't take my credit card and so... i called their customer service and the hoops got more weird...

the first person i spoke to said she couldn't help me at all and simply said goodbye when i said i guess i'll have to find another anti-virus software... so i looked at ntheir FAQ online and found it said i could order online and i called back... the second person i spoke to, bridget, told me she couldn't help me and i couldn't order online even after i read their own FAQ to them that said i could... she gave me the number to kaspersky...

diane at kaspersky gave me a temporary commerical access key to extend my license to june 17th and told me to call the element5 people back and just tell them i want to order the software without mentioning i had failed orders before because their website wouldn't take paypal or my credit card... so i entered the license key and yay, no more warnings and it's good until 6/17...

so i call element5 back and get the same bridget and i tell her i want to order the kaspersky internet suite and she asks for a product id so i go into the program and click on renew license and find a 3 year deal for $119... so i give her the product code on the page and she took my credit card info and address and said the order was processed and i'll be recieving the access code and reciept via email...

and a few minutes later i get six emails from element5, one with an access code for 3 years, one with delivery information for the cd, and one with the invoice charged to my credit card... then three saying my credit card was rejected, not on, three sent at the same time saying the same thing... they obviously have issues at this e-seller, but i've got the 3 year key and i'll check my credit card to make sure they aren't charging me for more than the invoice says...

anyway, i hear kaspersky is a pretty good product :)

look at the time

yeah, home before 5pm... ok, so not much before 5pm, but i set the goal and made it and yay for the little things... time to eat... and take care of the laptop stuff and the phone stuff and tv stuff and that's show biz...

but look at the time :)

getting near the wire

the clock wire thing imaginary time conceptual thing whatever... a lot done, still tapping away at the survey response and a couple of forms and a couple of policies and a few spreadsheets and some investigation summaries and a powerpoint presentation and assorted odds and ends and let's not forget filing and rearranging the office to look perfectly organized...

not out of here earlier, but gonna head out soon... and you?...

still at it

salad for lunch, but will i pass a weekend without splurging on calories when i am on a roll down that road already?... we shall see... meanwhile, i am working my fingers on several projects and looking at the 5pm deadline i gave myself and wouldn't i like to cut that even more...

the ceo left around noon, again... he took monday and tuesday off... $180K a year and almost no limits on what he does or doesn't do and he has the nerve to demand 60-70 hours a week from people making less than half, less than a third, even less than a quarter of what he makes... and he's good at it to, manipulating the workload to keep everyone off balance and always falling behind all the while playing like he doesn't know what's going on... that's the game and slowly but surely i am gonna win (shhhh, don't tell him, he isn't sure i have a clue i know how to play clueless while moving the pieces around the game board too, nyuk nyuk)...

of course he does have the power to panic and pull the rug out from under me at any moment, but that's part of the fun of the game... corporate russian roulette, ya know?... so are you manking your day fun? :)

yeah, i'm here

at work that is... just checking in to let you know i made it here (hold down the cheers, ok?... i mean, i appreciate the applause and accolades and everything, but have a little self-respect, will ya)... yeah, i mock grandiosity at work too... and that's what i'll be getting back to now cuz i hope to get out of here before 5pm for the first time in weeks...

make your day fun too :)

blink and the clock moves

well, not the clock itself, but the parts of the clock, the time keeping parts... i wonder if time would pass if we didn't keep track of it... like, is there movement in a universe with one object and nobody watching?... is there time without an observer?... are clouds white and fluffy beings from a water-being planet?...

yeah, so i turned off the alarm and found myself popping out of bed with ten minutes to morning meeting... so i've got to run, literally...

hi ho ho :)

bloat again

yeah, right, so i ate a fat free turkey on low fat wheat... and then... and then... and then i snacked on a half a box of smart start cereal... bloat addiction returns... where's the exercise?... softball rained out twice this week, dangit... must find the energy, motivation, and will to drag my tired carcass to the gym... maybe tomorrow...

are we having fun yet?... sure, how about you? :)

forgetting food

yeah, somehow lunch zipped right by again... mostly because i did not like what they were serving and they were busy when i walked into the cafeteria and i forgot to go back and i don't take the time (or want to spend the money) to go out for food and i didn't even think about getting a salad, dangit, even if i would have gone back so...

now if only i continue forgetting food after i get home aye?... i is hungry, gonna eat now... all by myself, of course, cuz i'm too tired to go out, need rest... sugar low... bzzzz low... wandering around my head aye?...

food me :)

working non-stop

yeah, working working working, forgetting the time or anything else and just working... got a lot done, re-organized the office and created a new risk management powerpoint training presentation and wrote up a third draft of the ahca survey response and reviewed it with the clinical directors and a few other things... and i'm still here chugging along...

fun day for you too? :)

squeezing out the sleep

yeah, that's how it was this morning, every last minute mattered... the bloat does it, usually, so where's the exercise?... lazy ass human... anyway, it's off to work i go...

ho

floating to bed

passed out in the big green chair a little while ago and waking groggy and drifting and floating all the way to bed... so i'll be sleeping now... do not disturb and all that quiet jazz...

nite nite :)

rainy nights in florida

a week of rain, that's rare... i mean non-stop rain just about 24/7 (not just the afternoon showers)... and i'm turning vegetable again (definitely would not do well in seattle or london or any rainy cloudy town, no matter what the other benefits and wonders might be... kind of like new yourk or toronto is too cold for me, so the magic energy and diversity is not worth it for the long term for me)... gotta hit the breaks before i undo weight loss...

so meanwhile, idol is on and it's not as exciting or magical or whatever as it might be, at least not for me... i'm just not that into tv... some serious thunder outside that is distorting the sound on the tv and threatening to shut down power at the most inopportune moment... the lights just went blink... oooo, it is exciting after all... ironic laughter fills the space...

so i'll just keep rambling along until idol is over and then, maybe i'll sleep or maybe i'll just vege with whatever else is on the tube... toob, yeah, tooooob... i miss having a silly pasrtner... a silly buddy... not a silly putty, a silly buddy... people just don't seem to get silly like they used to (gosh, does that sound like an old man?... well, show me the monty pythons of today then, go ahead, show me the marx brothers, the three stooges, rowan and martin... heck, there is not even a soupy sales today... pee wee herman?... mr. bean?... they don't even come close to the silliness of the original saturday night live crew...

oh wow (back to the show)... when they did kiss on the show i said to myself, adam could tour with kiss, but really, queen would be a so much better fit for him... oh, but they couldn't get queen, could they... and then... they close the show with queen... congratulations simon, idol did surprise me once again by doing what i thought would be best for the artists on the show... not that it's the best they could have done... not that it's so great that i'm a genius prophet... giggling silliness, yes, but seriously, they did choose the music well in the end...

and sure enough, the pretty boy, the straight boy, the pop star wins... obviously not the best voice, not the most talented, not the best artist... and he knew it and that modesty helped get him votes, no doubt... but the popularity is superficial and the pretty face usually wins... he is good though and will go platinum before long... as will a few others... the applause sign is on...

so now what? :)

yeah, it was

a busy day at work, that is... the monthly quality council in the morning and piles of graphs i put together at the last minute to give an easy visual to the numerically challenged directors and managers... and more and more throughout the day, interrupted by a surprise investigation of an incident that was not reported for a week and once again i will repeat my warnings to the ceo and everyone and put it in writing to cover myself... so a lot less got done than could have...

but i didn't stay much past 6pm because i will not burn out for the place... so here i am, home again, and i'm gonna eat and watch idol and relax... what do you have planned for this evening?... hope it's fun :)

busy day at work

and i'm still there and probably will be a few more hours but i just had to scream a bit just for the fun of it because you love it when i do (or you will when you finally catch up with all this real in the real, right?)...

i love what i do, even if i don't share it as i'd like to... just remember, love what you do and you can survive anything, even not finding your fondest dream in life for most (or even all) the years you live...

cuz you can :)

a little more sleep

but dealing with the life... meanwhile, this week was a bit wasted physically as rain cancelled the monday night game and i splurged on normal american foods more and more as the days passed and increased portions again as each day passed and the last two days fell back into the forgetting food all day and pigging out at night asnd i wouldn't be surprised if i cross $200 again - but no, somebody stop me, someone save my life tonight, la la la, and so on...

meanwhile, you know, hi ho :)

would be fun

tickets to shows... yeah, i splurged on tickets to two shows this week... cats in october and chicago next june... yeah, next june... to get row ff 12-13 you've got to buy the day they are released... just about all of the better seats are annual subscriptions... now to decide who's gonna sit next to me between now and then... maybe somebody will even wanna pay their own way, or maybe even the one will come along... magically, of course... let's all roll our eyes together, aye?...

would be fun to find the one or even to go with a good friend who shares the love of live show music and the theatre experience from beginning to end (and you know it never ends)... cuz it's not much fun to be cellophane, cha know...

the joy of hope and believing in a dream and being true to the power of the energy of trusting one's self to be happy alone cuz love is the answer and true love is worth everything and that's the way it is (gonna sing now - love love love :)

sweet dreams :)

forgot idol

yeah, i just got home and dangit, missed more than half of idol... so how did they do?... the voice vs the charisma, charism usually wins in pop culture america, but it doesn't matter much cuz both of the are very likely to be superstars... in fact, i'd say most of the top ten will have records out within a year and most will sell... and besides the top two, a few others will probably have million selling records before long... how about you?...

gonna eat some soup and watch now... wish you happiness :)

staying late

at work tonight, so i won't be home to say hello after work, so i wrote this entry to let you know...

happy evening :)

rainy morning

and i fell back to sleep as the rain pounded down and i woke with 9 minutes to get to work and i was at work eleven minutes after i opened my eyes and wow, that was a spin...

good morning rainshine :)

strange stories

yeah, the softball game was rained out which was perfect timing as i was able to help jackson move without missing a game and then i came home to pizza and ribs (wonderful, aye?) and there was the final episode of 24 and it sucked soap-opera style... way too soapy... mixed messages (non-denominational semi-religious) and just way too melodramatic soap suds...

and then, after tasting a slice of pizza at jackson's, i craved pizza on the way home... or a meastball parm sub... so i stopped at the store and bought a garlic bread pizza and cheese and passing through i found tony roma's riblets and that was dinner... pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and riblets... horribly off the weight loss plan i've been following for, well, since about the last few days of april, but yum, oh so yum...

and now, wired with energy... and yet, must sleep to continue recovering and be healthy and all that... nothing on the tv to keep me awake, but it's on anyway... loneliness?... habit?... so much more?... of course, the universe has more answers than can fit into the human mind, at least today... continue trusting the stars, the instinct, and the purple goldfish...

and dance... after pizza, chocolate, dance...

old times, almost

i helped jackson move after work today and memories flooded back as she moved into the river park apartments where i used to live... the drive there reminded me of how long it can be in rush hour traffic, which made wanting to move back there undesirable, but spending a little time in the green park atmosphere reminded me of how much i loved the location...

and then, pizza...

monday morning

on call all weekend so it's not like it's the start of a new work week, but on the other hand, it is... on time for a change, though not early so not leisurely stepping into the rat race as is preferable, but at least not rushing like a chicken without a head... still could use more sleep in spite of almost eight hours... refocus on increased rest, lighter eating, and dropping weight...

and what are your goals for your week? :)

make it fun :)

good exhausted again

except for stopping at boston market and getting a whole chicken and eating it, oh, and three large sides and cornbread and eating half of that too, though only one of three corbread muffins, so that would be more like a third, or actually a third, not really a half, and come to think of it i didn't eat nearly a half of the sweet potatoe stuff, so not actually really half of that too, but more than half of the mac n cheese and the spinachs stuff, so all in all, maybe saying half of that too is more accurately than i thought on second thought...

nevermind...

today was wonderful and full of all that good healthy stuff too...

i passed on wing house, intending to eat fish at home, but then decided i was tired and rotisserie chicken would be ok, but then i gave in to the sides and oh well, set back to maybe break even on the calories for the day... third day in a row, which means a change in habit, which means a refocus and change back or some such jargon is required to continue to descending weight scale thing i've been doing on and off for the last few months, especially before i cross back over 200 (if it's not too late... if we don't step on the scale until after a fast for a day or few, it won't be, right?)...

so anyway, only six people showed up for practice, which stinks cuz i no longer have sunday softball without the practice, so i hope more people show up on future sundays... and i didn't pitch for them, mostly cuz i wanted practice at other positions because i want to be more versatile so i might be more likely to get picked up by other teams since i am losing my monday night team cuz they are breaking up and the ones forming another team have formed the team without me... my consistent pitching doesn't balance out my lack of flexibility playing other positions and the young ones want everybody to hit home runs, to my consistent singles hitting (with occasional doubles, i mean not many of them can say they hit 15 for 16 in the past three weeks) doesn't impress them either...

it's frustrating to not be wanted by teams i pitched for for two (or is it three) seasons, but so it goes... they are mostly younger, into drinking parties, and i just don't fit in with their lifestyles... i'll find another team that appreciates me and wants friendship too, cuz these guys sure did not do what friends would do...

meanwhile, in the rest of the grand story that would be the real if it every was written in a grand epic fashion or something, life continues and i continue to enjoy it and most of all, besides loving every minute of it living in the moment, i continue to do what i do most of the time, hope to find true friends and the one... so what have you been up to lately in general and on this fine sunday? :)

third place

the good news is we won our game, closer than it should have been (8-5) and we had to come back in the last inning to do it, but we did it... i made two stupid errors to give them a couple of runs, but walked only one and struck out about four... i still don't keep track of my stats too well... i did go 2 for 2, a single and a double, and drove in three runs, i think... anyway, the good news is we won...

the team were were ahead of in the tie breaker won, 16-15, but the tie breaker is run differential (runs scores minus runs given up) and a +1 doesn't help them... the team who had the advantage lost to the first place team so we took sole possession of third place...

the bad news is the league sprung some news on us they didn't mention all season that left up with no trophy... they combined the two "D" divisions records and gave a first, second, and third place trohpy to the teams with the three best records and that means the teams tied for first got second and third cuz the first place team in the other division was undefeated... wrong stuff to do, but it saves them money... anyway, we were happy with our improvement anyway...

technically, i am not really home, but rather on the way to the weeknight teams sunday afternoon practice... hope your sunday is fun too :)

home to change

training done, checked in on the units and all is as well as it can be, took care of a few other things like speaking with some weekend staff, and now, quick change into softball gear and out the door to play the final game of the season... we win and we have the edge over one of the two teams tied with us for third place... the other team who currently has the edge over us plays the team tied for first place who must win to force a playoff for first place... they've lost only one game and that was to the team they are tied with (for first place)... so if odds play out, we will have third place at the end of the day, which is the end of the season... third place trophy is a good improvement for this second year team...

so out the door to softball now... make today fun in your world too :)

another day begins

yeah, up early on a sunday morning to head into work to do trauma informed care training... on one level, you'd think only a licensed therapist should be training about the details of a therapeutic concept... on another level, it would be nice if a person's knowledge and experience is respected enough to be trusted without government stamps of approval or even educational certificates... in this case, neither is evident and i am doing the training because nobody else wants to wake up to do a sunday morning training and the weekend and night staff deserve the training and the kids deserve the weekend and night staff trained properly... and lucky for everyone, i have the knowledge and experience to do that...

i prefer not to, officially, because it puts me in the position of being vulnerable to an insecure clinician or administrator challenging me on credentials and my license in risk management does not require aq master level degree and is questionable, technically, as an academically valid clinical license... politics and power trips are the bane of optimal care and service, but that's life among humans who are, whether naturally or unnaturally, self-destructive...

time to head out the door now, hi ho :)

att still sucks

and they are still charging me over $70 a month for 6kps downloads... yes, 6kps... i didn't mention earlier that i finally installed ms office 2007 ultimate and it works and there's much to explore (onenote is intriguingly exciting for the writer and organizer through words parts in me) and i went to the ms site to see what updates were available and of course there are plenty because ms still can't get it right the first time and there's a 205gb or so sp2 for office and it started downloading about six hours ago and it is 46% downloaded at the moment... over $70 a month, att... you should be ashamed... the american way... we should all be ashamed...

but the money keeps rolling in, doesn't it... so turn away and distract yourself by spending it... focus on the things, not on the lives... spoils of the victors, the earth perishes, and the 5% who survive remain oblivious, deliberately, in their isolated delusions on their cushions pedastals with their pretentious friends...

what?...

att still sucks... they'd suck less if they gave me a 90% discount (cuz, after all, the download speed is less than 90% of the speed they sell... yeah, what a laugh, att being fair to their customers... we shall see, but for now, laughter is not just the best medicine, it is the mask of insanity... so i laugh... and i await the laundry... and the downloads... and the fairness... and the justice... and the love... so what are you doing? :}

plans mislaid

yeah, so the plan was to get to sleep before midnight so i'd at least get six hours sleep or maybe seven but as i am heading to bed i just remembered i didn't do laundry and i must do at least two loads cuz tomorrow's uniform needs washing and there's whites and there's colors so i'll be up a while longer and do the caffeine in the morning and refocus on the weight loss after that and (i've really got to get some regular daily gym work into the mix) oh well, life goes on (so far at least... it could just stop at any moment, of course, especially since i am pushing the body on too little sleep for way too long for sane health, but for now, life goes on)...

could it be more fun?... well, yes, shared, but alone, oh the fun it is... hope you are enjoying yourself too :)

fun day, minimal work

the good news is the admissions coordinator called me back and she agreed to finish up the admission she left for the nurse to finish up so i didn't have to go in and the better news is we had much fun playing games in a private room at ikea (and ikea fed us their special ikea sweedish food {meatballs, smoked sausages, a veggie mixture, burgers, fries, and a delicious logonberry dressing}... i crashed and burned, dietarilly speaking, and ate three sausages, about ten meatballs, lots of veggies and logonberry dressing, and fries... but no bread or burgers... drank water... 197 when i got home, so between the steak and veggies yesterday and the pig-out today, up 5 pounds) and then we wandered around the store and i bought some stuff and all in all, a fun day...

gotta get some laundry done tonight and to sleep early cuz i've got to get up early to do a training at work at 7am and then then, the final game of the sunday season at 11am so i need to get over to the batting cages by 9:30 so... yeah, get some sleep...

hope you are having much fun too :)

a little late

work is amazing... i call in and the nurse supervisor or manager or whatever her title is this week is filling in on the baker act (emergency) unit and she has no clue how to do an emergency admission and has no clue what she has to do and so i tell her what she has to do by phone and then call the admissions coordinator at home to ask her how far along she got with the admission the nurse was supposed to finish up with (explaining she had no clue what to do) and she wasn't there so i left a message and head out the door for the ikea game party...

you have fun too, ok? :)

return to sleep

i woke cuz the alarm went off cuz i thought i ought to start early and check in at work (cuz i'm on call) and head out to the fun (games at ikea), but then i decided to return to sleep for another hour or so...

nite nite :)

almost rest

i really do believe i was deeply asleep around this time, but i also really truly believe i woke a moment and turned off the droning tv and laid back into the big green chair and slipped back into deep sleep...

that's my story and i'm sticking to it...

believe it or not

i napped long enough to get some deep sleep in and then woke and watched some night tv (craig) and then, back to napping...

hope you are loving it too :)

giving in just a little

i did not eat at the wing house last night with the team... i sat there... they drank beer... i drank water... i sat there... they ate fat-food... i drank water... that is good... and tonight, i ate a stir fried sweet and spicy veggie soup made from a dozen different sweet and spicy ingredients (spinkles of spices garlic salt, garlic, smoke seasoning, and tablespoons of sesame teryaki sauce, thai peanut sauce, fat free thousand island dressing, duck sauce... a few other odds and ends) and onions (fried in a little spray pam), portabella mushrooms, eggplant, broccoli, and baby carrots all stir fried up to yumminess... and a piece of ribeye steak...

so no food all day and no food last night and eating healthy all week and home from work at 7pm and yes, i ate a lot less than i would have before i shrank my stomach some, but i still stuffed myself, giving in just a little... the scale read 192 tonight before i cooked and ate... maybe it was a bit of celebrating or a little indulgence (definitely) or both or whatever, yummy is good too...

and now, sleepy :)

good morning (like never before?)

that's right, and not just cuz i am on a new laptop that does not remember all the previous titles and therefore contiders good morning a new title, but cuz it is the first time this particular morning has ever, in the history of the universe and whatever exists or doesn't beyond, happened... in fact, it is happening right now and i am going out to enjoy it...

may you find the truth and the power too :)

wow, sounds almost spiritual, aye? :)

yeah, well anyway, you can find all the fun and excitement of last night's triple header softball (no worries, this is the real where everything is abbreviated like in real human daily life) games can be found and so on backwards in time cuz hundreds of entries have poured out here in the eight or nine months of this blog's existence... where've you been? nyuk, nudge nod...

seriously, i miss you...

i hope you are living your life and choosing to make it fun :)

like i needed to stay out

the first game ended early, 4th inning, we won 17-2... i went 3 for 3 with a walk and scored three runs and knocked in four rbis... we have two more games and if we win them, we get the first place trophy... and then i drove over to the other games and sat and watched for five innings (so much for rushing over) and i pitched the last two innings.. we won 16-12... i started the second game and we won 24-7... i finally made an out, dangit, probably cuz i was frustrated over rushing over and not playing... that ended a 12 for 12 streak... i went 3 for 3 after that, scoring once (cuz i knocked in the seventh run twice and the limit is seven per inning to keep games from getting to far out of hand and keep them under an hour) and driving in six runs... getting better all the time...

still, i am going to have to scout around for a new team for monday nights because the old team is forming a new team without me and it's the thursday night coach forming it but he doesn't want me on it (i mean, he didn't ask and he is raiding my monday team of all the good players for a monday team of his own and the monday coach is bringing the best players over to create another thursday night team)... i'm not sure who's pitching for them, but in spite of my record and consistency, it's not me... wah wah and all that... jackson is in the same bought as are some others so i might motivate myself to beat the bushes for people to come out for a new team, but we'll see whether i really want that sort of committment...

all in all, it's for the best... don't want to get too addicted to softball, after all, it's hurting the right achilles tendon and that makes every other exercise, like even walking, much more challenging, like painful... and i do need the alone time to get myself back to myself inside, so i'll use the rejections to motivate myself as i've done all through this life cuz that is more fun than moping... it really is that simple, just make the choice and do it...

hope you make your life good for you too :)

yes you can, really, you can :)

from work to the field

yeah, running (racing through rush hour traffic is more like it) to get to the first game (the work game) across town... then i'll be racing back to this side of town for the double header with the other thursday team...

gotta run (hope you are making life fun too :)

how long can it last?

the body, i mean... another night of semi-sleep, broken by the nose that is bleeding me like they did back in the dark ages though in my case it is self-initiated (or nose-initiated, to be more precise) most likely to lower the blood pressure cuz it is still too high, but that's just guessing cuz i don't take my blood pressure much these days cuz i don't want more warning signs in my face of pending death cuz i know death is inevitible so i'd rather spend the time i am alive focused on life signs, not death signs...

to each our own, aye? :)

make today alive :)

nose knows?

waking to move from the big green chair to the bed to find, as i lay down, that yesterday's nose bleeding was not quite nearly over so here we are wide awake at 4am once again with toilet paper stuffed up on nostril trying to breathe through the other clogged nostril (cuz i am not even a little bit of a mouth breather and the throat gets sore and dry and everything is wrong when i do),,,

so how are you?...

i know

the closer it gets to midnight, the less chance i have of sleeping... the download is almost done, pathetic, i know... it died at 81% and it was not set up to continue if disconnected, so it started all over and may take all night, if it works... my guess is it won't not at under 30kps... and that is a pretty dang good download speed for this att aircard... yeah, seriously pathetic, i know...

google att aircard and this is what you'll find... it sucks worse than dial-up... the biggest rip off out there at $60 a month without the tax and such... grumpy, me?... well, i pay $60 for internet and can't download what i want to download or view videos or listen to music or have any media fun... i could be doing the same thing with free internet or ten dollar dial-up... att aircard, what a rip-off... do i get a discount now?.... yeah, i know...

and of course i am more awake than ever... so i went online to pay some bills (i really spend way too much money these years... must start making some serious cutbacks... but how do you stop giving money to a kid who depends on you?... well, rasputin did... i can keep wishing someone would come along who would actually look out for me or i can just start drawing the line and say no and start taking better care of myself... but my heart, maria, but my heart...

oooo, robin williams on dave... but no, i must resist the craving for craig tonight cuz i've got three softball games to play tomorrow... yeah, three, i know... i really need to simply fall asleep in the first hour i am home, that works best for me... i am just too nocturnal...

so whatchu up to? :)

sometimes simplicity

yeah, the download continues... something like 68% done... i will probably be asleep when it finishes (and hopefully it won't screw up before it ia done)... how can i keep living here with this ridiculously disconnected from the fun of the cyber media playground... alas, i so do not want the work of moving again...

should start looking soon...

yeah, so i am waiting up for the idol results as if i've got some stake in them, silly me... it is a sociological puzzle and i love puzzles... are danny and chris splitting the straight pop vote which will come together for the one of them that remains next week or will the best voice win?... adam is not the pop icon for the american masses, after all... he does have a semi-elvis quality, but there still way too much homophobia and falsetto-rock screamer disdain for him to be a landslide... and chris is the pretty boy america so loves... and danny has the buddy holly middle america quality carrying him... cris has the all-american pretty boy smile... they're all good, but vocally, adam is so far above... we shall see if he gets what he deserves or if pop american goes with the white bread once again... it's going to be cris and adam in the final, but then, who knows...

don't stay up much longer, you know what happens :)

slow moving world

and we all rush through it as if we've got some place important to go (or maybe we just think we've got something important to do)... if we'd only realize how brief the moment truly is, we might pause to actually experience the world at it's own pace, the universe, the moments of our life...

some time in april i asked someone to buy ms office ultimate 2007 for me at the ridiculous fair $60 price for students (of course i know they are making room on the shelves for 2010, but hey, it's all good in most ways) and today he finally sent me the link to the site so i can download it and it turns out he bought it on april 23rd and didn't seem to miss the $60 he laid out... so i am downloading it now... at my fine att aircard connection, it should take about ten hours...

slow moving world, aye? :)

spinning head

ach, that is... a spinning head ache welcomes me back to consciousness this morning... maybe i'll get to sleep in for a few days some time soon and hopefully that will re-charge the batteries cuz i am definitely feeling a constant drain and not enough rested upon waking lately... the bug in the system isn't helping at all, but a few days rest would be so sweet...

meanwhile, make today beautiful... hi ho :)

so now i am awake

i don't think i'll write as i did last night (you missed it?... pay attention, you never know when the emo genius will return with rhymes that melt the hearts and minds of the stone people and save the world {or the cheerleader} and inspire you to make all your dreams come true... or at least amuse you, aye?) cuz i am so very extremely seriously profoundly exhausted and am going to try to sleep by laying vewy vewy still, but i am more awake than i was earlier mostly cuz i finally had the nosebleed the nose has been waiting for cuz the head cold is always a prelude to the nose bleed and these were a powerful pair (the cold and the bleed)...

adam is far the best on the show, by the way, but popularity is a fickle mistress, so we shall see (yeah, american idol talk)... fringe is interesting... meanwhile, as much fun as playing in my head can be, i am going to try to sleep now...

nite nite :)

home, eat, sleep, watch

amazing, i don't shower and don't poney up my hair well and don't shave and who's at work, the new corporate vp of clinical operations coming to meet me and spend the day the day playing supervisor... corporate oversight is really pretty ridiculous as i might see her again in a few months and even if she visits once a month, so?... like i've said all along, it's a set-up-to-fail job and we shall see how long i can dance around the political traps...

meanwhile, time to eat, nap, and watch idol...

broken sleep

waking dripping from all ends, must be fighting some sort of killer bug to have the body waking to dump liquids every which way (and loose) and then, couldn't get back to sleep for the nasal drip hacking so wow, today is gonna be an exceptionally groggy day...

enjoy the blur :)

no really, i'm trying

i have no idea why i was still awake but i was still awake and then i went to bed... just in case you didn't notice, i mean, if you are normal and actually sleep at night, i figured i'd let you know...

nite nite :)

really, now

so when i got home from the game i ate a fat free turkey, cream cheese, american cheese, mayo (yes, all four fat free) sandwich on light whole wheat bread with a cup of grapefruit juice and a few mac n cheese crackers and water and then, words flowed into rhyme for the first time in (dare i think about time?... the longest time i recall without rhymes in longer than i can remember, except toronto) and i may have actually committed (for what it's worth) to starting over...

and if that is not enough, i will offer a confession (oooo, not imitating craig ferguson, by the way), how long has it been since we had a confession?... are we obsessed with time tonight or is it just momentarily me?)... as soon as i remember it... ah, oh, hmmmmm, uhh, oh, yeah... i know why i write so much... i write so much because i could never actually say all these things (at least not so that anyone would understand) because it is way too challenging to speak with any degree of clarity while hysterically laughing...

and the excitement continues to build :)

and we're back

as in a tv show returning from commercial cuz, after all, we did leave off at a cliffhanger and how often does the real find a cliffhanger, after all?... so did you enjouy the commercial?... and out next guest...

oh, right, this is the real and not a talk show... so i played first base... even after telling the coach i never played first base (or at least nit since i was a teenager and very rarely then, if i did, cuz i don't remember... so during game conditions i was exploring how to move and where to plant my feet and so on... i kept instinctively planting my left foot on the base (when i could find the base) and they'd a very awkward position cuz i am right handed... luckily i only had five balls thrown to me and three were easy from the pitcher and two were from the second baseman who made wild throws that i was able to stop... we won 20-10, i went 3-3 and jackson went 4-4, yay us... we've got to figure out how to play next season... starting on a new teams can so suck for the first season or few unless we luck out with the new players... anyway, we'll find ways to play cuz we wanna keep active and i'll do it cuz she wants to and that motivates me to find a way... there's another girl who's looking for a team, so many we'll find a few more...

anyway, it was good night.... hope yours was good too :)

home brief

quick change and back out the door to softball again... wonder if i'll be playing tonight... the coach, who is leaving the team next season (i think this monday night team is breaking up), seems to be bumping me out of pitcher as the last few weeks i've played third, did not play, and this week who knows...

i've gotta start practicing more at other positions cuz i am pajor league rusty everywhere but pitching... anyway, we shall see...

oooo, a cliffhanger :)

creak, snort, sniff

light on the creak (which is the good news)... and only pitching one game and no practice in the past 10 days is having a good effect (or affect) on my right achilles which is developing a chronic inflammation at the heel, which might be tendinitis, but i don't have a sports medicine doctor cuz i am not a pro, cuz it hasn't been aching as much this week, i think...

anyway, waking clogged and blurry, but work calls... hi ho yo yo and make today a big yay :)

if i knew why, i'd know

why i am still awake, that is... could it be the two cans of soup i slurped down instead of going to bed at midnight when the wild tribe game finally ended (i won, for what it's worth... all the little cartoon characters cheered... yawn and such)... so what about the boy? (tommy can you hear me?)...

there never were any rules of order in my head... being in a relationship was the only thing that gave life any sense of normalcy, especially when it came to time and daily routines... being out of one probably took twenty years off this lifetime, maybe longer... hopefully someone will come along and save (extend) this life one of these years before i simply evolve into consciousness or something...

leaving this body behind is inevitible, after all... of course i suppose i could straighten up and fly right or whatever silly phrase might describe living by normal healthy hours, but then, where's the fun in that?...

may your mind dance every moment you live and your friends dance ever after, or something like that... spirits?... if you must, but let's keep it in the moment in real time in the real (and share, care, be well, and be aware :)

yeah, him too

seth mcfarland is another on my list of people i'd like to amuse myself with, that is, i'd like to have over for tea and crumpets or something... he and craig ferguson might make an interesting conversation, even if i just listened... sunday evening cartoons, i'll miss them when i die...

hope your day has been a barrel of wobblies too :)

well i was amused

as he mumblmcgoo-like under his breath one entry every four hours, oh waldo but it's ok if you were all too stunned to respond... north south, east, and west now, you're all over the map and we won't tell cuz, after all, you've got your reasons... meanwhile, in the real, i'm playing a new game today to distract my head from the congestion and my taste buds from tastes... it's called wild tribe and it's curiously familiar and relatively simple, but ever so time consuming and attention-needy, which is great as i can't take a break without pausing so i just won't pause...

madness is useful, sometimes :)

take one every four hours

or six-ish... or while awake... or something like that... a blog entry, it seems... nothing else is happening with that much regularity, and i do mean nothing (picture a cf smirk {that will be a craig ferguson smirk, for future reference} of take that in the worst possible way but be prepared to be mocked dreadfully if you dare act offended as you read the last sentence, i mean, if you can call it a sentence, or not)...

i am still getting used to this keyboard so stuttering typing is happening a lot... the home/end keys and delet keys are in different places (vertical on the right side instead of a square of their own) so simple corrections and moving around the text is not happening as it used to so though has to actually go into the finger placement which distracts a bit from the free-associative stream of consciousness that usually flows through the fingers relatively unimpeded... of course i suppose i could just let the fingers go and leave the simple typographical miscues for your confusement or later repair, but that's not my habit so we shall see... it'll just take a little time to get used to it and then i'mm be all confused if and when i go to a normal keyboard again, but confusement can be amusing too, aye?...

yeah, so anyway, i slept in the bed for four hours... one of the four hour blocks that refresh and so on, a sleep cycle, ya see... and while both mind and body could do better with another four hour block, i want to attempt to sleep two full four hour blocks tonight so i am staying away not because, given the time, i'd be too awake tonight (cuz the nose cold remains, though slightly improved due to dehydration) if i woke after 4 in the afternoon...

the villagers game died, just as all the other games have died, because the wildtangent game complany sucks in terms of giving a free trial... the trial appears over after the first play and the first play appears over the moment the computer disconnects from the web and since my laptop is set to disconnect when it goes into sleep mode, there's another game i very well might have purchased down the drain because i did not have a long enough trial to decide if it's worth it... i mean the game is set up to have you make decisions and set up resources and then come back to check on how they were doing and poof, it's no more when you come back cuz it's not connected to the net... and they we all set to prosper too...

so what to do to distract myself from the head cold and food today, aye?... all ideas are welcome, but i'll probably find another game to try on this computer before you get here, so no worries about responding long after this query finds you (or you find it) cuz it's all very self-sufficient here in the real, these days...

i just don't want it to be all the time, ya know? :)

what day is it?

checking in with reality, or at least the local calendar, i am realizing that there is no softball today so i am re-setting my alarm to off and going back to sleep... in fact, i am heading to bed, hoping i won't gag myself awake too often...

nit nite (finally :)

so where were you?

while i've been here in the big green chair drowning out the drone of the tv with my own special inner music compose of memories, fantasies, illusions, and tinnitis, i mean and distracting my brain from the respiritory gagging going on just below it (cuz a well distracted brain can stop shit like that, cha know, and you don't have to be stewie to say it just that way... seth mcfarland is another person i'd like to meet and observe... among humans, i mean)... have you been having too much fun too?...

i so hear the demands for sleep though... and softball?... oh, how will i do that tomorrow?... gag me with a surgical mask, no doubt :)

go out?...

what, just because it is saturday night?... but i got no body, baby (can't actually say i got no money, honey, but i am feeling the pinch quite hard with paying for precious's rent and extras for what is it?... seven, eight, nine months now?... and i gave her $500 on the 3rd (her rent is $360) and on the 6th or 7th she's asking for another $20... where's poppa? is right), but anyway, it's the head cold situation kicking my butt... the game is keeping my mind off it, especially keeping my mind off the snacking i tend to love to do physically and emotionally when i am feeling sick in da head cuz it seems to comfort me even if it increases congestion... feed a cold starve a fever, or whatever...

old wives had some fucked up tails (shhhh, the sheepish grin should let me get away with that... not to mention the deeper literary and cultural references for the intellectual crowd... or else the continuation of babble as it it never happened), but who are we to be telling tales to old wives, anyway (oh right, bring that up again... and if you are not sufficiently confused yet, well, go west young man, and then east and then south and then north and then south and then north and then south then rock back and forth and if you don't get to feeling like a yo-yo in rock the cradle formation, then you just didn't do it right)...

and we expect any less personal intrusion and confession on saturday night?... come on, most of the world gets drunk and tells their secrets to momentary intimates in and out of beds on this illustrious night of the week, me, i play games and babble, or one or the other... tonight, both, and all by myself, no less...

except for the breathing problem, it's so much fun :)

addicted again

to a game, that is... this time it is called (oh what is it, anyway?... wait, i'll go look) virtual villagers... a game that lets you try to keep these little characters who've been stranded on a teeny tiny desert island alive and prospering as a culture through a series of well-timed decision and casual sex they call "going indoors" (the girls can't get pregnant until the day they are 18, however they can have their father... strange moral values, aye?... oh, they can work when they are 14, of course... the age and familial relations don't matter for the 18 year old boys either, so oedipus would have loved this game)...

but it's not all about the sex (just try to keep them from "embracing" however... they will> over-populate and die of starvation if you are not very careful), you've got to find/plant/create the resources to feed and shelter and so on... every hour is a year (on fast mode)... so i've been playing seven or eight years already...

what?... you've got something better to do? :)

not much sleep

a few hours, restless, awkward, sitting up nodding, mostly... and now, back to wondering what to do to first keep my taste buds off my mind and turn off the hunger sensation that is 99% emotional and second get some serious rest and past this cold and third, have some fun (cuz we always wanna have some fun, right?)...

maybe we'll play a game :)

i have no idea

i keep hearing craig ferguson saying certain catch phrases in my head as i write... words like i know and the title of this entry... he has a certain sense of sarcasm and wit that has me wanting to actually listen to what he is saying, but not only listen, watch his facial expressions... his humor seems similar in brand and style to mind, even if only generally, in a semi-cynically mocking you deeply with just enough self-deprecating surface tension and are-you-really-taking-me-seriously facial expressions to have you laughing even as you are called out on your lesser wonders...

and we all know we don't like being called out on our lesser wonders now, don't we...

anyway, for better or worse, i am still awake... i think i played chess most of the night... amidst some snacking... but most of all, it's the bug i had last week (ten days ago, aye?) that came back this week to try to make a home in my throat that has come back in my head making sleep challenging cuz breathing without hacking when laying down is not happening...

hope i'[m all better soon :}

and nobody did

and we find the other set up from two entries agon, or entry before last, the elton john song slipped in to close as song titles or lyrics sometimes do... coming up on 4am, not quite wide awake, but definitely not feeling much saved... of course you can't... no one can... but someone could... and the one would... and you didn't even have to be there, just here...

if that made any sense to you, you've got a weird mind :}

pity the fool

of course that was the set up, linguistically speaking, or writing, in this case... and i could have gone to the gym or done anything, but no,

i watched tv while playing on the computer and somewhere in the night, fell asleep for a little while... how utterly mundane and human, aye?... i've truly learned the habits well...

that's just the way it is...

and so, the fool lost it

his will power, that is... so tonight i ate some cottage cheese with vegetable soup sauce and then two cans of soup (progresso low sodium vegetable and the old standby campbell's veggie vegetable with some powdered milk and fat free cream cheese and then... kraft mac n cheese crackers...

i know, these the real entries can't get much more exciting, aye?...

yeah, you heard the last one right... i could have been sleeping... should have been sleeping... would have been sleeping if i was not so overtired that i forgot all about the choice and gave all will power away and dove into taste bud mania...

bloat is back (still under 200 though)... someone save my life tonight :)

no really, i was almost asleep

right here, i was, almost...

then i stuffed myself again...

so little sleep

again, i did it again, maybe three hours sleep if i could the falling asleep part... so instead of an entry, a shower...

the world outside rejoiced :)

maybe i should have gone to bed

but instead i fed my belly and my head... an interesting mixture of about four ounces of cottage cheese (fat free) covered a half a can of vegetarian vegetable soup (straight out of the can)... a pretty healthy sundae and funnier than that is i enjoyed the heck out of it and will be doing it again real soon...

a few hours later, like 11pm, da fool, i ate some kasha grain and currant cereal topped with some extra cranberries with powdered milk... i suddenly love powdered milk... all animal rights stuff aside, it's the cheapest best most fat free low carb high protein drink i can find... and i have been scouring the shelves for the precise comnbination of exactly what i am looking for, be assured of that...

i am not much into the new pomegranate craze i've seen spreading all over the healthy drink shelves... the new acai craze is giving the old pomegranate stiff competition, but i don't think it's time to feel sorry for the poor pommy just yet as the gullibility of lazy easy-way-out dieters and wanna-be healthy nuts should never be underestimated for it's thirst and hunger for get-thin-fast (or get-healthy-fast) schemes (not to mention pop fads)...

but that was not (no, it wasn't) enough (i think that's when taste buds and the carb freak started taking over) and i had a half a cream cheese (fat free) and jelly (just a teaspoon) sandwich (with light whole wheat bread)... and then a big glass of water... after that, i read some pornography (soft porn, of course):

"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is better than wine."

ah yes, the irony of the hunger, the passion, the thirst, the power of sensual pleasure... not to mention the the holy words of love... love love love... god is love, love thy neighbor, love love love... love is all we need, and, of course, the secrets of the pomegranate...

"Your lips are like a scarlet thread, and your speech is comely; your temple is like a split pomegranate from within your kerchief."

gotta love those split poms... and kerchiefs... kerchiefs suddenly sound so sexy, don't they?... what the hell?... this is the land of the brief and the home of the real, so what's all this rambling on about pornographic pomegranates doing around here?... i'll continue this elsewhere... you can go now (or later or whenever, for that matter) searching for it if you like, but be forewarned to venture forth with fruit armor and kerchief, for without such garb, you must know you are venturing (forth or wherever) at your own risk...

it's after midnight, go to bed, it's safer :)