so much for e-the-real

so i sat here on the first full evening after the first full workday in my new space doing the opposite of what the hope might have been, a sudden change to healthy ways and a return to the core of me where all the stupid human tricks and learned suicidal tendencies would dissolve like fog on a sunny day, instead, i pigged out on more comfort food (pastrami sandwich and decadent cakes and of course, mostly chocolate)... somehow my new york city roots draw me back first, but then, perhaps that is the right path as the daily running did begin there and i was never in as optimal condition as i was in those years of change, turmoil, and peace, a time when i would find the lyrics for a double or even triple concept album (cd, aye?) pouring out in one sitting, during and following what were once known as the amy years...

it's about time i went there... far from the magical muse, yet, i will believe that a step back toward where i once belonged is so much better than no steps at all... and so misunderstood, and so confused, no wonder every one was refused... i did not want to find the same person again... i wanted to find the same love, the one who could love so unconditionally, trust so unconditionally, be so unconditionally mine (and me hers)... and all the time we thought i was comparing everyone to her, when what i was comparing was the feeling the trust the love... so misunderstood, and perhaps, even by me... and yet, there is the rub... i knew but would not explain, for explaining altered the outcome... this i always knew... and no one understood until too late... so much for e the real...