and so today

i woke early and wrote one of the longer entries this blog has seen (instead of going to the gym or showering) and then, off to work to do my part in the corporate game i've re-entered more and the day was full of stuff like meetings and helping others and creating new forms and playing on the computer and then, when i noticed i did not have lunch and it was almost 7pm, i decided to blow off the sushi and movie on my calendar for tonight (apologies to the meetup crowd) and come home to read and write more as if this addiction to literary sharing was not sinking it's teeth into me again...

how many years did i hope to find the one online or through words somehow and where has it gotten me again?... where's mikey when i need a good roundhouse kick to the temple?...

laugh and the whole world laughs, they say, or said, whomever they might have been... so i laugh as the ship goes down again for one more night and play harry chapin to remind me of how emotional and ridiculous life can get when you can't always get what you want and you try and try and try and still don't get what you want and ultimately, what you want is what you need cuz you want it...

i felt bloated all day and i hardly ate much last night... it's like there's a balloon inflating in my belly... and i'm not hungry... but i don't feel much like fasting, so i may eat some more of that hemp cereal... though that may be why i feel bloated... maybe it's a reaction... maybe that's a good thing... maybe i'm choosing to feel lonely alone at home when i could be out in the world with others feeling lonely... there's a lot of lonely people tonight, after all...

for better or worse, the gym calls but not enough, the sushi and movies calls, but not enough, the words call, and i shall dive into the conversation already in progress tonight and hope i survive... and that is thereal for today...

cuz i want someone to know

the real life daily life mundane details of thereal as i know it today, alone and sometimes stirring my crazy and sometimes escaping into light social play and sometimes mourning my losses and sometimes euphoric in my imagination and sometimes burning myself at a stake for my mistakes and sometimes eating my way into bloat just to feel the sensual rush in this body and sometimes pushing the run for hours just to feel the aging sensual rush in this body and sometimes wishing on stars and sometimes driving fast cars and sometimes dreaming i could somehow start all over again and sometimes loving the moment... alone, because nobody seems to be able to reach me, get me, or maybe it's just cuz nobody wants to share the time, but then, occasionally, someone says they want to, so maybe i'm just somewhere nobody can find... and i don't always want to be alone, even though i love everything in most moments whether i am alone or not, so i come here to share the moments of the day in catch-up form... cuz i want someone to know...

reporting the news

is that all there is to thereal, reporting the news?... seems logical, after all, cuz the long sought after, though kinda ambivalently, or is this nonchalantly, pursued goal of a brief synopsis of life blog (journal, diary, whatever) is kept brief and about life by simply reporting what happens and not contemplating navels or blogs, even, as i am doing here... oh, yeah...

so i took the car into midas and they wanted a ton of money to do a ton of different things which shocked me because they never did that before, so i said no to about everything and said yes to about $300 cuz they said it was definitely necessary and i am going to take the car into another brake place or few (if i ever make time) to find out if they were legit and i will not go back after almost a decade of using them for several cars... whether i was or not, i feel ripped off, so i will not return...

then at work, where i didn't arrive until near noon cuz i left my keys home and while picking them up, i got a new gate opener remote from the office staff who still strike me as floundering more than competent, the boss sent out the email announcing my promotion, and though it was selective and not a memo to the entire facility, it was a huge step toward relinquishing the grip and allowing me to step into the actual responsibilities and flow of the position... apparently he is being pressured and mandated by corporate to make some other changes as well...

after work, then i drove to lake nona (about 13 miles) to meet my monday softball team and one person arrived about five minutes late and two more arrive about forty five minutes late and by then i was ready to head home, so two hours of travel, standing around, and a gallon of gas, and so much for a dedicated monday night team... the season was supposed to start last night, but it's delayed due to the rainouts over the summer... still, the people who signed up should have been ready to play last night...

a brief surprise phone call, a dinner of hemp cereal with fruits and nuts and some off zen party mix, and to sleep before 9pm, which means i am awake for the day, right?... so why did the question queue up a yawn?... a bit of the bloat (which is very odd, considering the dinner almost twelve hours ago was grains and fruits and nuts and rice milk, one bowl) and head stuffiness, perhaps... the one person who showed up at softball almost on time had a bad head cold and shook hands a lot...

tonight the calendar says sushi and vertigo... i might skip the sushi and just do the movie... i think i already bought tickets, but i'm not positive, so i'll try to remember to call the theatre later to check... and that is the past twenty four hours, mostly, reported in three part harmony over digital airwaves... it does get more exciting than this, folks, and hopefully will one of these days... someday... la la la, yes, someday... over the rainbow... complacency sings...

new schedule

if you came from the future, you might know a lot more, but it's really no secret :)

today:

woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head... well, sorta... i showered, actually, shaved, deodorized, and now drip dry while updating our thereal place... this week my morning risk management meeting moves to 8am morning meeting and so, wakee wakee early early... and today, i must get the brakes checked, oil changed, and tires checked before heading into work cuz, well, it's all past due...

a wonderful weekend thanks to fine film in the form of rent, the film of the final broadway performance and the company in attendance (jackson and another work friend... the glow afterglow is wonderful when the experience is shared with someone who appreciates it as much as i do and jackson does... the words, the music, the story, but more... it is one of those creative projects wih a philosophy i can embrace as my own - there's only us, there's only this... yes, this...)...

and then sunday, the fun softball (we won, but more, we started coming together as a team more) and then dinner at red lobster after (with the team) and then styx in concert for free downtown with ____ and thirty or forty meetup friends...

so there was not much time for words over the weekend and now, time to dress and head out to take care of business... the car will appreciate the time... the weekend glow lingers as a euphoric high that i'll just ride into the work week... life is sweeter that/this way...

i hope your weekend was wonderful too :)

every day

dedicated now, more than ever (perhaps that ought to be the subtext, or what do they call it, the description, of this blog - for the moment at least)... and why, i wonder... because i want to believe in the connections?... because one of the handful of players from the intimate stories of this life returned?... was that the reason for starting the online babbling in the first place? (of course it was, haven't you been reading for the past decade?... somewhere (over the rainbow?) way back back (1998?) (what seems like lifetimes ago now) and once was today, but started more than a decade ago as an effort to keep in touch... yeah, KIT... and to think it all started with babble... what? {but where's the first pages?} what?)... what?...

what?... real time?... thereal?... oh yeah... maybe i forget sometimes... but the point was to try to keep in touch... to reach out and leave a marker, a buoy, a sign of life that the people of the past might find... and over the online gardens grew and there were times when the desire to share daily waned, when the hope that the threads of love woven through this life would fray and threaten to dissolve in busy work, in apathy, in disillusionment, in the ether, whatever that means... but the babbler persevered (in no particular order) and if interested, one can find brief snips of 1998 (the first?) out there amongst the redundantly repetitive weeds (if you repeat something often enough, does it really ever come become truth?...

every day... a little by better in every way... name the film for bonus credit...

once upon a time there was a path, then there were many paths, then the maze took over, then the walls fell down, then... is now...

every day... renewed... and then some...

truth, the final frontier

truth is, i may have forgotten what truth is, if i ever knew... the bottom lines seems like a faraway place from a long time ago most of the time these days... a place called faraway...

work changes continue as the nurse managers are getting word that they report incidents and concerns to me and get used to seeking my guidance... there are two and one has little problem adjusting and the other, who is known to resist change and be passive aggressive, though in her defense, she has been treated unfairly by administrators and seems to lump me in with them at the moment, seems reluctant to comply with the new structure, but she will... there was a time, just last fall and winter, she'd come into my office, close the door, and have a good cry... and when others started to, she stopped... and i've not approached her for space works wonders sometimes...

after work, there was another game night and i am just getting home from the fun... bloated from snacks, blissfully exhausted from too little sleep and much smiling and laughing, and enjoying the afterglow of playing with others who enjoy playing... it was good to hear many of them missed me last week when i had a conflicting event (the downtown history center game night was the same night as the kiss me kate meetup i organized)... and if i lament a bit about the sleeping arrangements, it does not diminish the feeling of splendor and giddiness and belonging to a group of fun kids...

and now, with sleep so easily found, i shall slide over to read the words posted today on twixt where i am being called out and stroked virtually simultaneously, which reflects upon the power of words and the potential wonders that can be found in sharing them...

and then i started reading and nodded off to la la land :)

the boring one

yeah, i know, daily life can be boring and worst of all, keeping this sort of daily ritual up like this only emphasizes how alone i am in daily life as nobody actually shares the life i record here and it is all too evident day after day... even as i am blessed by the occasional comment, distance and more, the real lives we live make the daily communication rather challenging, even if we wanted to...

this is electronic the real, e the real, life...

so today i sat back in my chair and enjoyed the respect i was getting from those who support my elevation to exalted grand pooba of the house and i was politely but coolly received by those who would seek to keep others down for their own purposes... and if you're out there, boss, you know it was not personal, just corporate politics and i had all of corporate on my side, so you did well to about break even (though i give you the win from my perspective in the salary negotiation)... i'll do my best to keep it in house and between us now that you've relinquished the power... unless corp reads this too, but heck one never knows (eerie robert klein sounds now)...

and the softball team was worse than usual... i was going to play with the work team, but the other team had two last minute call offs so i got begged over there... we pushed it into the sixth inning, but gave away too many runs on errors and lost again... sooner or later i will find a team of players that are not in their first year of playing softball... hopefully that'll be before my years catch up with me...

and then, here we are, tired and sleepy and yet, mind racing and wanting to stay awake... thank you meg & dia... music this week so far includes tom hanson, nick drake, and amy winehouse... and i reach into a random bag for a random handful of cds for the rest of the week and find a few really old elton john, linda ronstadt, jewel, lisa loeb, shawn colvin, jim croche, the the, virgin prunes, madonna, pink floyd, and led zeppelin... so what's up with you in the real?...

part two of yesterday and today

so much magic lingers in the air from rent and music and the theatre experience (where are the theatre junkies of orlando?... or the music junkies, for that matter?... or the word junkies?... the creativity junkies?... the love junkies?... anybody?)...

and there's precious who apparently has a short in her car wiring that burned out her battery, luckily i have the autonomy to take time to take personal calls at work... luckily her mom bought her aaa so she called them and learned how cool road service can be as the boost got her to the auto zone where she bought the battery and they charged it while we watched the movie and she's back on the road, for now... i poured a quart of oil in her engine and urged her to get the oil changed asap and have the wiring checked...

and then there's work... with further prodding from me to corporate and direct questioning of the boss, we finally sat down and hashed out the deal... as of sunday i have a new salary, 15% raise (on top of the almost 5% raise at the beginning of august) was about half of what i felt the job was worth at this point, but as he started with 5% and climbed to 10% and then to 15% in the hour negotiation, i figured i pushed enough for this year... his other directors will probably not be too happy, but then, they can negotiate for themselves... i still think it's less than market average, but closer to fair... but it was not just about salary...

he finally signed the application for the risk manager license and paid the $150 application fee (so i can mail it in this week), he finally agreed to a re-title the position formally to director of performance improvement and risk management (dpirm, and nobody really knows what it means), and agreed to buy a laptop for me (for work, but not a shared laptop) which will cost them around $1500... and i get a second part time assistant, which is a big leap forward for the department... i didn't push for a cell phone since nobody has one, but a few other perks and we were done... so as of monday i will go in an hour earlier to take over the risk manager responsibilities at morning meeting and finally have authority to run the department (first few weeks will be cleaning up cases that have been left open over the last two plus years)...

so all in all it was a rather excellent day... patience is rewarded, and all that jazz... i hope your day was even better :)

lost in the words

so i must have forgotten to come here last night (which will be tonight as i back date this entry) and let you know how much fun trivia was, but not as much fun as the music after when we went over to austin's coffee and tea place... some adorably adorable girls in can you see my pubic hair mini-skirts gave the place ambiance and the music was all over the place, and mostly good... and when not so good, fun...

the highlight of the night may have been an off key off color rendition of a song called shave your balls, which only goes to prove that there's more beer selling than coffee at austin's coffee and tea... especially when that produced the only standing ovation of the night... getting home after midnight was not wise for a tuesday, but continuing to try to read and write was even more unwise...

so tonight (which will be tomorrow night, entry-wise, not that any of these entries are actually wise, or trying to be, even), i was almost nodding off for a moment or two in the oh-so-comfy reclining seats of the theatre as the film of final show of the broadway production of rent made yet another weeknight something magical... goose bumps and tears and cheers and yays, much and many... more live theatre please :)

tomorrow (next entry) i'll catch up on work... g'nite :)

bedding early

well, there's always hope, i mean, midnight is early for me... and speaking of early, the boss slipped out of work early today, so our little talk will wait for tomorrow i suppose... meanwhile, i spent the day following up on cases for corporate that he let slide through the cracks, doing his job, but making it very clear to corporate that it was not my job... this morning i emailed the corporate vp to formally protest my being listed on corporate documents as the risk manager when i was not contracted for nor paid to do the job... i made it a question of ethics, writing it so that no one can come back to me and say i did anything to misrepresent myself or the corporation within or outside the corporation... so again the ball is in their court and they will turn the pressure up on my boss (the facility ceo) who answers to corporate too and he will pass by my office and say we've got to meet today and we shall see who is the first one to blink...

isn't corporate politics wonderful?...

meanwhile, the evening started out with me falling asleep and then, words seeking response coaxed me to eat the last of the chocolate in the place so i could wake and write some and respond to some emails too (as i am still looking for people to go to rent on wednesday as another few people said they couldn't make it... tomorrow i'll send out text messages... i left my phone home today) and then the phone rang so a chat with a local meetup friend and then i rolled into my imaginary world where words rhyme and tell stories and create wonderful misty-eyed roller coasters for me to ride and then, here we are, singing hey you, hey me and we are the world... la la la...

ok, so thereal isn't everything, ok? :)

waking early

well, i woke early today and pondered going to the gym, but responded to an email instead because i have tickets to rent for this wednesday and i want to be sure i have people to buy them from me so it looks like i have two of the four extra tickets taken and that leaves just two more... about half the people i sent invites to have responded so far, so there's still a good chance i'll not have to eat these tickets, yay for social networking...

today i am supposed to talk to boss (ceo) about risk management (we avoided this dance all last week) and we shall hear his offer... if the price is right, i may be heading into work about now each day (an hour earlier than i do now) to run the risk management meeting and department...

the little laptop that could was able to download big wmv files overnight, so there is hope for me to stay in the video world even with this connection... the connection is apparently slowest during the afternoon and evening as it is very traffic dependent...

so that's the real for this morning (can you stand the excitement?... well, i am sitting here typing this naked, in case that helps.. where's everybody running to?)...

good morning and i hope your day goes well too :)

and then later...

just cuz we just can't get enough of this wonderful life i share in words here (yeah, there's the alas, but anyway), i bubble over with excitement in my lonely, but almost always fun vacuum cuz even though we threw away game one of our double header and even though i pitched only fair and even though i seem to have blown a lot of money on tickets hoping people would go with me and everybody so far has good reasons not to (except precious), i find myself bubbling over with fun at the moment...

and this is the real (and it feels so good to be me, even if it's just a moment before i forget and get back to trying to be human and all that whining it entails :)

please pardon my giggles if any humans out there are offended...

i turned down dinner at rasputin's and turned down dinner with the team after the game cuz i wanted to get home to shower and rest and start a new week off with a reasonably healthy sunday evening and sleep (and of course, checking in on my online world of words, which is empty, but still bubbling over with fun for me) and except for feeling lonely and missing a partner companion wild sex partner lover and best friend who knows me as well as anybody ever has (and oh yes, the one (repeat alas), life is just too much fun to not enjoy it, even all by myself (almost alas, more giggles)...

oh yeah, and the belly remains an intruder in my space, but still i am bouncing around (popped up at least a dozen time during this brief writing) even after being exhausted for an hour or so after playing a hundred fifty minutes of softball under a blazing blistering sun (scorcher, most seriously) but rebounding nicely after a cool down and bit of rest watching others play their games....

and that's sunday so far (just wanted to record this wonderful mood for posterity and me so when i feel down and lonely and stupid i can remember that even on days when things do not go well and nobody is around and everybody says no to my great ideas (except precious, yay precious... now i see another reason why people have kids), the brain can still throw a party of one without reason or rhyme (though rhymes may come later)...

hope your life is a party too :)

softball, dinner, and self-care

today, being a saturday, relaxed and wandered the web responding to comments until it was time for softball practice... and upon returning from practice, i was so spent (we'll get to that later for redundancy is a good way to learn, or so the theories say), i actually had cramps in my side from laughing and joyful laugh upon reading the twixt blog (living revelations vicariously... and the kinda sorta adoration and real respect doesn't hurt either, merci beaucoup plus :)

finally realizing that everything takes forever... yay :)

in other news, it appears the babbler is returning, though time limits access to the endless stream of random thoughts (and there is still the uncertainty of where he calls home, but it is still wonderful {for me, at least} to have the flow of words again, even if it's meaningless drivel to everyone outside of my head)... and then, back here in the real, once again i feel a bloated abdomen... raspy and precious came over and we went to dinner at bubbalou's (barbeque) cuz raspy got a $20 discount from the big pig (owner of the bbq place) cuz raspy provides seafood for the bbq place,,, meanwhile, i probably could have benefited from no meal tonight as it was almost ten when we finished eating and i should be asleep now so i can do my best at the softball double header i am pitching tomorrow in the blistering hot sun that dehydrated me today cuz i forgot to bring water with me again...

whatdya mean i'm not taking care of myself?... who do you think is?

ummmmm, rhetorical and rather sarcastic questions aimed at me, no doubt... so speaking of softball, a two and a half hour practice in the heat without fliuds was a source of great exhaustion (and it was such a good feeling in spite of it being a physically almost numb feeling)... i shall bring my cooler with ice and cold drinks for myself for the double headers tomorrow... i actually woke late today and rushed out to practice, so dummy forgot water...

and on that note, i end this somewhat self-distruction, but still fun day with a hug and a wave and a hope your day was fun too :)

.

PS... a couple of hours later (yes, still awake)... I just bought six tickets to the film of the broadway cast doing RENT... yeah i'm excited (and obviously hopeful that i'll find people who want to go... ah, the way i set myself up on the roller coaster ride of life is sometimes scary... and too often expensive... but almost always fun :)

sherlock shakespeare

after three or four days of going cross-eyed watching surveillance videos at work, i finally found what i was looking for and along the way, found a dozen or more rather disconcerting issues with staff behaviors and processes in the hospital that will mean i will do a root cause analysis, again, to come up with fixes... more work, just what i was looking for... but i do feel good about being the one responsible for oversight and ultimately supervising everybody else cuz i trust myself not to ignore problems that effect patient care...

meanwhile, after work, i met up with the dozen or so people from the meetup group i agreed to be organizer for tonight and we enjoyed a whole foods catered buffet before seeing kiss me kate and then enjoyed a buffet at the cast party after the show... decent cast, some good potential, though the male voices were over-hyped in the program and disappointed me a bit... maybe it was opening night jitters, but the females outclassed them and the males were the professionals (females were grad student interns finishiing their mfa)... spoke to raspy a bit cuz it was his birthday (ok, so i was a few minutes after midnight late and forgot why i told myself to call him tonight until halfway into the call, but hey, that's on time for me)...

that's life, work and play, for today... hope yours was fun too :)

daily

i have no idea why i have this obsession with one entry/post per day, as if a date without an entry is somehow wasted or even more, two entries on one date somehow diminish one of them because of the presentation of the entries (the first being below the second), but that is only on blogs that have multiple entries, right?... of course, if i post another entry today, this entry will disappear into the older archives and may be missed by anyone looking for today's entry thinking they've already read the older ones linked just below... of course anyone really interested will check, but then, who has time or thinks of these things...

besides me, of course...

sometimes, sleeping when the body requests it is all the body/head needs, even if it's just a few hours... dummy... do that more often (says the body/head)... yes, today is a good day :)

tinitis is distracting

today i woke tired and maybe it's cuz i ate too much last night (partly) cuz i've gotten more headaches in the past year than i have in this lifetime and i think it's just the body telling me i am at a crossroads, either get in shape (lose weight) or prepare for a stroke or some sort of near death or death experience... i am eating less, but even more less?... eating less could bring on the headache too... a week long fast and cleasing would be intelligent, but that would mean time off and there's not much time off in the corporate jungle... so i sigh and feel alone tonight, almost human (though i felt even more alone when i didn't feel human), bloated and tired and realy to explode... the real is not always pretty...

also, the thursday team lost again, not a lot of effort out there...

sitting home alone

i did not even realize it was wednesday, i lost a day somewhere in my mind (or i lost my mind somewhere a day) earlier, but now i remember... sleep deprevation is creeping up again... so why am i still awake?... obviously because i am sitting home alone with no one to talk to and, wait, that was a million years ago (one of the first rhymes, aye?)... tomorrow night i have two softball games, though they may be at the same time so i may have to miss one... tonight i did more laundry and ran the dishwasher for the first time to wash the stuff that was sitting in the kitchen cabinets over at the other place for years... haven't checked to see how the dishwasher works yet, but it didn't make any horrible noises and hopefully there were no leaks...

work was more of the same, bust with helping the place perform better, created a new form for staff to write progress notes and continued an investigation and had a meeting or two and the ceo stopped by saying we have to talk... he's said that a few times this week and seems a bit hesitant, but he reassured me today that i was not in any trouble... i wonder if this is about my doing his job for free and his boss getting on him about it... maybe he's all set to give me a big raise tomorrow... right, and hell froze over yesterday... still, it's amusing to see him squirm as i've put off meeting with him for the past three days because i am legitimately busy doing his job...

coming home, i wrote a few babblings and rhymes and visited diaryland for a bit and drops some notes and comments there... it's such a slow site now even more painful to wait for with this aircard connection... i must make time to call the cable company to see what they charge for basic internet and see if it's any better than the aircard... i am kind of liking the idea of the aircard though cuz i can take it anywhere and have the internet almost everywhere i go... that would be fun, i think, even if i'm shut out of the youtube and video world again for a while...

life goes on...

and early bird

i am here for a moment while food is heating up (yes, heating up, i have yet to unpack and consider cooking in this space... stubborn, i am) and expect to be babbling between the lines (hopefully some creativity worth reading will pop out from there - and then, fame and fortune and karma and the come around part of what goes around, ya know?) after i eat (and reading while i eat), so i just wanted to check in here with you (cuz hopefully you are still reading) and let you know that all is well in my head (still as crazy as ever) and the balance between life and death seems to be as secure as it's always been for me (and best of all, fear is still a friendly dude i can talk circles around), so happiness is alive and well in my little imaginary world (and it's pretty peaceful and content in the real as well, in spite of the universe-filled loneliness that surrounds everything (hey, it is universe sized, ok?) that always has me hungry for more sharing even as i am tickled pink (or is that green?... kind of a blue green, maybe) to just be me enjoying myself by myself in the moment...

i am trying to become an early bird, so i might get to sleep earlier than usual tonight cuz i am determined to get back to the gym regularly any day now... like i did in 2004 (has it been that long, not really asking), going it alone if that's how it must be... still open to the sharing that could happen at any moment (sounds exciting, aye?)...

take care of you, i'll be back soon (hopefully tomorrow :)

there are good days

yes, it is past 1am and this entry is backdated in the hope i'll find time for a real entry later for this date... catching up on writing with an old stranger has taken much of the time i've had in the past few days (and laundry is still not done) and it is time for sleep now as this body seems to be demanding more than four hours sleep at least a couple of times a week and clearly and openly rebels (in the form of blood pressure and bloating, which suggests potential messages from the kidneys, heart, and other vital organs) and is giving me a few ultimatums... but how to find time for eight hours sleep a night (especially when here is no one to sleep with... ah, the question nocturnal creatures have been asking forever)...

these are good days, i'll try to catch up tomorrow... take care of yourself and thank you for checking in... you are loved :)

on the line

there was a time when i would sit by the phone in front of the computer checking email every fifteen seconds as if every second mattered... i felt blessed to have a phone and a computer to check email... i got into email and the whole web world a bit late, unfortunately, as i was preoccupied with writing for snail mail during it's earliest years and simply never explored the medium even though i was at a computer, writing daily, in the eighties... i sometimes ponder the missed opportunities for social and business, but then, except for a few decisions and experiences (and the loss of contacts with my own words, not to mention people), i loved every moment... except those moment when i was sitting at the phone or at the computer and it felt like no one knew (or cared) that i existed... i don't use the phone much these days...

momentary peace

ah, even with a visit from precious leading to expenses and foods i never planed on for today, even with a broken dryer knob and still not unpacked, even with odds and ends still awaiting maintenance, today was a wonderful day... i returned to the words, felt them flow, let the babbler out, and feel good about communications... a fun phone conversation lead to resolving email issues that i was putting off resolving... the music of lisa loeb is seducing the child inside... i am resisting the chocolate decadence sitting right next to me... laundry has begun in the new space... and i had my first guest... life is good, life is fun, life is full of hope for tomorrow...

and on that note, almost five hours after the time stamp, i head to bed to sleep for a while before softball at 11am... may you enjoy your days as much as i enjoyed today :)

net, night, and the pounding head

strange, the template i set for this blog is not showing up in the html... i wonder if it will formate the blog as i want it... we shall see after we upload... or now... ah, somehow the blog is defaulting to the compose screen... something must be glitchy in the google blogger web...

anyway, with head pounding due to odds and ends (blood pressure, diet, sudden decrease in sugar, caffeine, and fats) lack of exercise, and so on), i ventured back online and starting pouring my brain into words again... on the net all night and i am still not done yet... all i have planned for this weekend is laundry and softball on sunday, so full speed ahead, bloggers beware, the babbler is in the house this weekend...

hope life is fun for you too :)

between the lines

when all is said and done in the final hour, at the bottom line, the question may ultimately be... do i want my faith in humanity restored?...

it was all illusionary in the first place, a fairy tale within a dream that i forged from nothing more than fairy tales and dreams and stories others appeared to be living... the fact that i hung on to it for so many years, decades, eons, is a testimony to my stubbornness and fortitude and strngth and in the end, perhaps my foolishness...

but this life is what we want it to be and i so wanted it to be the goodness of the human heart...

unconditional love

where the hell did i ever buy into that ridiculous concept.

in my mind, all in my mind... and that, in the end, is where the decision will be made.

missed opps

there are special opps, or ops, depending on your preference and background, i suppose... there are all sorts of opps... and then, there are missed opps... nobody much likes to think about missed opps, except for fuel for depression or lowering self-esteem... most missed opps are mistakes, wrong turns, signs of imperfections and stupid judgments and who wants to be reminded of those...

but then, who wants to get real about anything these days...

suddenly, last summer

seems to far away when i took this job and agreed to do the pi and not the rm... meanwhile, an interesting day with a beautiful girl to look at and talk to (and imagine making love to, cuz what else does a corporate mogul do with his day, after all) as i listened to stuff i already knew and openly said for the second time that i was being trained for a second time (first time was last october) for a job that is not my job, not by title, responsibility, authority, performance evaluation, nor pay... see, all year the boss gradually dumped more and more rm work on my plate and i took it primarily because i wanted to see how much of it i could do comfortably without an assistant cuz i trusted him to renegotiate my salary at my annual review even though he said he would renegotiate earlier if he asked me to do RM work and yet the annual review came and went and there's been no renegotiation cuz he is still working on the budget and ftes and other management stuff... and so i talked to the rm vp who was doing the training today without pulling any punches and they were surprised at how little i was being paid and the rm vp will speak to the division president (my boss's boss) about it and she said she knew how to do it so i wouldn't get any flack (huh?) and we shall see what shall be when i get back to orlando... hopefully i will have a job... hopefully i will have internet... wonder what i'd do if i got fired and suddenly had a year lease and expenses of $1200 a month, at least, to cover... never had to think about stuff like this last summer, suddenly (so why is it so easy to laugh?... maybe because there was some genuine glee in the air today... ya for glee :)

and so it goes (again and again)

so i found my way to the internet by spending the first night in miami at the hotel loading most of the words i wrote during the week (a bunch of rhymes still await a place on the web)... the laptop is getting way hot as i do not have the fan with me, but it's held up so far... the hotel is way overpriced, no restaurant, minimal services, but $17 a day for valet parking (and all other prices are comparable)... i found a mediocre bbq place around the corner and that was dinner... i didn't want to go far because while the hurricane did not hit here, the winds were kicking up and the clouds were dark and moving fast... they (corporate) wanted us here the night before, but made no arrangements for us to meet or eat or anything, which is par for the course... there's a long agenda for tomorrow, but it looks like stuff i already know well, so it might be a long day... the company is really growing way too fast for it's own good and management is trying to catch up...

so we're all caught up and i will probably be back tomorrow night, but after that who knows... i must make time to call att for the billionth time to complain about their not following through on their promises and insist they do not overcharge me as they are so apt to do... corporate america, sad... hopefully sometime soon i'll have internet at home again and can check email and such... until then, thanks for sticking around and keeping in touch :)

missing replacements

without the internet or television, i am finding myself writing a lot more, a dozen rhymes popped out this week, at least, and i rode a roller coaster of challenges and frustrations and highs and surprises and hope remains (even as the dreams fade, hope remains)...

a busy day as i gave five hours to the softball team because they had an opening ceremony and our game was four hours later... maybe that's why nobody was hitting and we lost to a team we should have beaten as all of their runs came on errors on easy balls... after the game i changed and went to a cool show downtown with more than thirty people and then about twenty of us went to cheesecake factory (where i indulged, again, alas)...

so i am missing you and the internet and the stimulation and fantasies and imaginary experiences in my mind that the internet and tv provides, but i am replacing the mental with the physical in my real, the words and the people and the life... still, i'll find my way back to putting a few words or more out on the web cuz, after all, that's what the web is for...

hope life is smiling for you today :)

wtf?... tell me whatsa happening

there is an uncanny similarity between the twenty one things alanis morissette wants in a lover and things i want in a friend... though i'd like to read the list again to remember how similar her list of things is to my list of things, not that i have twenty one, more or less, but i probably have more, though priority certainly would most likely wane somewhere along the way so whether i would have twenty one things or more or less would be possible, more or less...

did she have a love of inane babbling on her list?...

yeah, so anyway, i connected with a music loving acting major softball loving girl tonight (am i in love yet?... shhhh, she might not even laugh at such irreverence and we wouldn't want her to take me too seriously until she has some idea of when i might actually be serious and then we'd have to start talking about god and fruit flies and chocolate and the price of eggs in china, for starters before we could know what we might be amused by or laughing at, but it's really cool to find a softball player into music and theatre... still, this is all i know about her and a gut instinct that we have similar roots and i know how powerful ageism can be so - no expectations that we'll even stay in touch much)...

so maybe with nothing else to do and no connection whatsoever, i'll write a rhyme...

some time later

just as there are instances of instant unexplainable disappointment in some things, like a cd, for instance, so there is an instance of instant pleasant surprise, even affinity, again, with little or no explanation other than the sounds... this is especially true when listening to a cd for the first time with the volume turned down low because it's late and you don't want to disturb the neighbors or whomever might be within hearing distance and you're using a creative bass-enhanced sound system that presents booming bass and therefore must be lowered so that the actual voice range is so low it is hardly discernible as words for most of the song, especially a softer voice, and so it goes...

it's probably because i like discordant oddities in sound and fury and waves and calm and all sorts of idiocincrasys or something like that... you've hear of the adminsys and the sysop and the all sorts of syses if you recall the olden days of bulletin boards, well, i was the idiocincrasys... never really did fit in too well, but the power level was amazing... anyway, instead of going to sleep like a sensible person, i ate more... not that i ate a lot today, just a snack bar (speciak k, i believe) and ac chipotle wrap with some sour cream (fat free, no less) and a bit of dressing and then, just now, a small pastrami sandwich on potato-onion bread with a slice of gouda cheese and cashews... yes, just another run of the mill midnight snack...

i miss the internet, but not enough to disconnect the laptop and wander the several hundred yards to the poolside to connect... maybe tomorrow, when i don't have to wake the next day... i must do laundry this weekend... also, i will be fumigating the place before i leave for miami on monday... i also must check for where the mailbox is here (and my key) so i can see if the att anywhere wireless card arrived so i can see how it works and whether it will be my permanent internet connection from this day forth until death (or crappy service) do us part...

you should listen to this (jefferson cundiff - drifting), it feels like it comes straight from the land of the mostly dead, kick in the head what? stuff, at least at initial listen without hearing most of the words and being kind of sleepy...

nite nite :)

lost entries

and lost rhymes... being used to office 2007 auto-saving, i forgot to save the wordpad file and poof, the words are gone... oh well, lost an entry, and so it goes, and so it goes... yeah... and so it goes...

the appropriate end to a very challenging day (or days) all around, especially for the body, but i really don't feel like going into it all over again, so forget and whatever, in the end, i am alone with my thoughts anyway... the babbling elsewhere surely will be laden with the crap, you'll just miss out on the simple clarity without the poor-me whining that this blog was supposed to provide... seems the lines are blurring, as usual... and it's not as if these will be missed, a few words of agony amidst a series of entries poured out into various web spaces all of a sudden when i finally reconnect with the internet again... it had been a very challenging day...

so now that i am suddenly looking to open word documents again for the first time in many years and my trial copy of word 2007 is at an end of use, i am giving the ms office 2007 disk another try as i uninstalled it all and as it attempts to install in the background, i continue here... the good news is i opened the new usb hub i bought and connected the mybook and the external cd writer and have room for the 250gb portable drive i bought and also for the flash drives so i can move my work around easily... but oh well, word 2007 will not re-install and work, so off it goes and back comes office 2003, i hope, when i remember to bring home the cd and product key from work...

and then... what the hell, both of my teams fell apart, wait, all three of my teams fell apart this week and if i count the scrimmage on Sunday, that's four straight losses... tonight the first team played the best team in the league and only seven players showed up, so we had to borrow two and play one short... it did not help that i hit like crap... i pitched fine but the other team hit well and our fielding was mediocre at best... still we held a team averaging more than 20 runs a game to twelve... jackson, if you remember her as my former officemate from work, played well... we play on a few teams together... we rushed over to the other game to find our team leading 9-2, but they seemed to fall apart and lost 14-13 on a walk-off hit... we did the same thing to them last year... and that's when the phone rang...

ah, whatever

stating the obvious is usually amusing to me, but sometimes i get an instant sigh of oh well, human... so goes the sigh as i look at the cd cover and listen to the first song on this cd (danan healy - you need more love)... the good news is the music continues to play almost immediately as i walk in the door... and so i am exploring a stack of cds i bought from cd baby (who loves me, they said so) for somewhere around $5 each, which is better than any lottery ticket for me... i used to buy hundreds at a time from the bargain bins and promo bins in record stores and sometimes, the winner was in the most unlikely batch... i found heart that way, for one... music is so much a part of my memories, it's no wonder life feels incomplete without music... and why life seems to make so much more sense with music and so much more magically real when someone is sharing music... the communication, the creativity, the energy, the sensuality...

and the sacrifice...

but we don't have to go there just now... what i did for love is a great show song, but it gets old after a few real time performances... just ask anyone who has not compromised, whether fools or wise, you know them because instead of a disguise, they just learn to hide their eyes... even when they seem to be looking right at you... ooooo, eerie sounds... but alas, i stopped my leg...

i usually amuse myself so much more than anyone else because i get almost all i pour into words and i doubt anyone sees all the silly smiley faces and goofy looks that are threaded through most every thought, especially the serious or sad thoughts, but then, i am the only one in my head, after all... and there's isn't even room enough for all of me in here most of the time... so i stopped home and they fixed the washer knobs and caulked around the dryer hose but not under the kitchen cabinets and there's still the visible gap around the front door and they put in one bulb, but not the other that was out... i still need a step ladder in this place to reach the bulbs... nine foot ceilings are nice until the bulb goes out...

and now i am off to play softball, two games in a row if i can get to the second game... charlie hustle, or something like that...

laters...

so much for e-the-real

so i sat here on the first full evening after the first full workday in my new space doing the opposite of what the hope might have been, a sudden change to healthy ways and a return to the core of me where all the stupid human tricks and learned suicidal tendencies would dissolve like fog on a sunny day, instead, i pigged out on more comfort food (pastrami sandwich and decadent cakes and of course, mostly chocolate)... somehow my new york city roots draw me back first, but then, perhaps that is the right path as the daily running did begin there and i was never in as optimal condition as i was in those years of change, turmoil, and peace, a time when i would find the lyrics for a double or even triple concept album (cd, aye?) pouring out in one sitting, during and following what were once known as the amy years...

it's about time i went there... far from the magical muse, yet, i will believe that a step back toward where i once belonged is so much better than no steps at all... and so misunderstood, and so confused, no wonder every one was refused... i did not want to find the same person again... i wanted to find the same love, the one who could love so unconditionally, trust so unconditionally, be so unconditionally mine (and me hers)... and all the time we thought i was comparing everyone to her, when what i was comparing was the feeling the trust the love... so misunderstood, and perhaps, even by me... and yet, there is the rub... i knew but would not explain, for explaining altered the outcome... this i always knew... and no one understood until too late... so much for e the real...

not enough time

catching up on sleep is a food thing when there is time to do it (but music continues... need an easy way to put a music name/link in an entry... ah, myspace provides that, aye?... anyway, see the previous entry and we're still in the radiohead marathon)... i could probably use a week, or at least two consecutive days, but at least i did make this past 24 hours the catch up time and i did sleep most of the time - about 18 of the past 24 hours... and now, oddly, it is 6am and still dark outside... i thought the sun was up by now... maybe it is another seriously overcast morning... maybe my clocks are off... no tv, no internet, no radio, no phone, no way to check the time on this laptop, but then, why should the time on the laptop be wrong... it agrees with the stove... the body could use more sleep, definitely... the brain could use more, but it is so used to so much less than this...

need a lamp... actually, need several lamps, but the primary need is wherever i set up the computer... also need a lamp for... the bathroom cuz the exhaust fan is extremely loud and goes on automatically with the light, definitely not conducive to the quiet i like... and the kitchen, cuz the only light is a three bulb track light and they are those hot expensive flood light type lights... i like a bright kitchen... and flood lights throw off too much heat and not enough light... in fact, the only place i do not need my own lamps/lighting is the laundry room and closets... the living area has two lights, a three bulb hot track flood light strip at the doorway and a wobbly four bulb lamp attached to the ceiling fan (tacky typical gaudy look) and the wobbliness makes for a surreal slightly strobe lighting experience... so as i sit here in the dark at 6:27am, wondering where the sun is, there are definite lighting needs in this space... moments

cd tracks

there was a time when music played all the time and now, that time may be returning again... perhaps even catching up... we shall see... for now, this is the impromptue first set for the new space... influences will appear along with some notes babbling elsewhere .

harry chapin - the essentials
radiohead - ok computer
radiohead - the bends
radiohead - pablo honey
radiohead - kid a
radiohead - hail to the thief
radiohead - amnesiac
the the - burning blue soul
eagles - on the border
jen chapin - light of mine
americopa mantle volume 1
an epic at best - there will be rain
eagles - desperado
colin mcgrath - window seat
last conservative - these in-between times
jefferson cundiff - drifting
every other fate - into the singularity and the now of tomorrow
alanis morissette - mtv unplugged
the waterboys - book of lightening
james taylor - sweet baby james
stevie nicks - bella donna
cream - gold v1 & 2
alanis morissette - under rug swept
fleetwood mac - rumours