I Won't Give Up On Us

Close to a birthday of family adopted 22 or more years ago yet silent for much of the last 20 years and so much murky waters have passing into the abyss that any reasonable normal human mind might suggest I cross the line into insanity or at least some accepted mental disorder, obsessive compulsive or (open the DSM V and explore) whatever, but I am what I am and I do not renege on my adoptions as anyone who knows me can attest (and a new test is on-going as this date occurs, no doubt {and there is no doubt that the challenge this time is second only to the challenge last time and what does that make this, test four in this life?... A, S, G, E... others?... adopt, separate, give, [no word for E quite yet , so perhaps expect, evolve, abyss , eternity, extrapolate, ethereal, oh so many are in contention, every one with more or less potential, can it get more exciting than this?], e... or actually perhaps five [M before A but not after X or ?... ?] or more as well, but this was he second longest adoption with living together [and, come to think of it, there were at least two more N, M, after G but before H, though my investment was slightly less emotional and dependent] with dependency since the longest and age plays a definitive roll in the bounce back regeneration process, but all this [and that too], is an obscurity [multiple layers of obscurity, in fact] of many different colors [and this was a parentheses of many different levels, one for the ages, no doubt, again] that we can explore [if we remember] when we are a we again}, and it continues in this blog in some sort of mad secret life lives on some different plane of consciousness or alternate universe, even, perhaps in ethereal as the e-the-real will not let go of hope, faith, belief, or any such conceptual connections), so this added value entry appears as if it was always here, if you dare dive deep into the abyss of the ethereal with me and make some semblance of sense of the multitude of words and thousands of entries you can find here.

What?

I won't give up on us, that's all. Every one. (wink)

Narf :)

someday, when someone notices

the previous post, or what was the previous post when this post was written, may suggest the real time that passed between posts as this blog began... time passed unintentionally, time passed unnoticed... for the memory for nightly updates is not a high enough priority at this time in real time... and the business of living life distracted me from even rambling on in my RealTime blog in spite of major circumstances blasting from the past (omigosh, this blog is already becoming way more obscure than it was ever intended to be... there are places for the babbling and obscurity and distractions (and amusements) like this self-reprimand and this was not supposed to be it... so perhaps it'll stop now... or soon... and perhaps someday, when someone notices, this blog will be what is was meant to be and an odd entry like this one will be just an odd somewhat out-of-place entry amidst the real... ah, yes, that's the ticket :)

alone in the crowd

and while jackson and her friend enjoyed the whole concert from somewhere upfront, fourth row center, i took up a comfortable standing position a bit off to the side where i had an unobstructed view and a few young bodies sharing some energy in the immediate space... it has been a while since i found myself standing alone in a crowd at a concert where i could experience not only the artist and music, but the people in the audience as well... my sensory experience was at most 50% but even at that level i can exert control on those around me in a space... but that's another story for a more metaphysical blog i suppose...

even alone, a concert is a wonderful experience... and even self-absorbed, this blog can be quite informative... even lost in the obscurity of the drama (kinda like most of the episodes of star trek: enterprise which was much more typical tv soap opera melodrama than sci-fi story, but that's a metaphor of a different space-time continuum)... sheesh, ya know?...

hungry now :)

of course it's real

not that i am without delusion, illusion, and make-believe in this life, but i don't pretend not to be without some self-mockery tossed in so anyone with half a brain and awareness can see i am just joshing, joking, kidding, and most importantly, mocking myself and the world at large (at small too sometimes)... and if you don't understand, well, you must have more than half a brain, or less, depending on perspective, or awareness, for that matter...

do i really have to refer you to j.k. rowling again?... what?... or road island red, i mean foghorn leghorn (boy's got the mind of a steel trap... boing, oops, there goes the mainspring), for that matter... such obscurity is essential for other places like bullsugar, for instance, or not, but here in the (e)thereal you are supposed to know what's going on...

raise your hand if you do... or don't, either way i'm right...

unless, of course, you suddenly do :)

perhaps we should go to bed...

who loves ya, baby?

whatever may come to be revealed in the uninhibited babbling in the middle of the night, those closest in time and space may not even notice as this blog is lost in obscurity, oblivious to awareness in the daily physical life shared in daily physical time and space... hi jackson, love you, love us, have you ever been here?... such a strange love affair i share with words... and everybody else i know, curly, harpo, helena, so many others (don't feel bad if i didn't mention your imaginary name, i didn't even know you were here cuz i promised i would not read your mind, remember?)... you say you want to know me, love me, keep in touch and yet, here i am... da boogey man sharing freely in the middle of da night, ya ya ya, yeah, yeah, yeah... yeah...

someone noticed this one recently, so maybe it's you... you must remember this, however, however old and faded and worn the concept, it is nonetheless still the most true of all... just listen to your heart, as mail order annie said, or was that dreamboat annie... hey annie, where did you go?... come on, the references abound, or else, just be who you are and be real... come a little bit closer, why don'tcha? (don't ask me why... or do, even) wouldn't it be amazing if we all reached out and touched someone at the same time?... or maybe, just reach out and touch someone...

amy, shari, barb, where are you?... ray and tom and turk and steve?... heidi, bobbie, and yeah, you sandy... when did we forget how to believe?... gail and all the little ones not so little anymore, how can i be sure, in this world that is constantly changing, why are none of you knocking on my door?... i could name so many others, still my sisters and brothers, but the point of this message may already be clear... there is always hope (i hope) for more sharing cuz you can find me caring about you here... there's always more love waiting for you... right here... we see what we wanna see...


so anyway, i loves ya, baby... and your little dog too . . .

narf :)

hello? (waiting for the echo)

so many layers, memories and fantasies, dreams and nightmares, real and who knows, so many stories interwoven through decades of babbling through reasons and rhymes, nonsense and profound meaning, obscurity and relativity... the child loves the experience needing nothing but to experience the experience and as much as the sharing and hunger for love and desire for more is always there, the child loves the experience needing nothing but to experience the experience...

perhaps someday i will find time to explain more and perhaps i have explained it before (need the links you can search through repeated again? lol... ok, candora (aka sleep writing)... behind the candoor or real time... and all the others that are still online... somewhere (bios?) there are the answers we seek, the reasons and rhymes and story of a life from the frills and fancies to the bottom line...

meanwhile, it's time to head out to the softball tournament now :)

whatchu say elvis?

did you miss it (whatever it was lol lam)... what we have here, he said all cool handedly, is self-mockery as an art form and you can do it if you want to... and i want you to want to... yeah, i want you to want to... sing it loud, sing it proud, sing it lol lam laa all the way home (and so much more to come as the links implode for our viewing pleasure)...

just look at the shamelessness of this midday madness, this deliberately random obscurity that appears right before your eyes appearing to be complicated or confusing, even, when it is the simplest form of love in the universe, honesty, candor, truth (and links, don't forget the links)... and it's not just song references... whether it is justice and the american way or not we will leave for another discussion at another time cuz it's way too close to a presidential election to be discussing politics lol lam laa :)

it's not that i think i am so clever, it's that you do... who do?... voodoo...

here's a clue :)

so much waiting

so i set defrag to run every wednesday and it never does... microsoft vista, you'd think after almost 20 years and how many trial and error upgrades they'd get the basic necessities right, but not microsoft... it amazes me that so much brain power can produce such ridiculously flawed product and it amazes me even more than there is no competing operating system worth it's salt other than the super expensive mac system and the few super lightweight systems out there... someday when i have money to burn i will play with mac and linix and whatever else is around, but for now, i live with microsoft... so i set defrag to run somewhere around 5am this morning and here it is 11am and it's still running and there is not even a progress screen to let me know how it's doing the way there was with previous windows... it really doesn't make much sense to have no visual record or running log file... don't make it easy or simple for the average user to understand and optimize and maximixe efficiency, speed, and the user experience... and not i probably confuse the stupid microsoft defrag program by typing into this notepad and wait for the defrag to let me use my computer again (as i consider cancelling with each passing hour)...

meanwhile, i've been wandering elsewhere, conversing through comments on huffington and facebook and other places where i exercise some brain cells and o0ccasionally write something i feel is worth sharing with the whole world (if only others would appreciate my literary genius as i do, i'd be retired so i could write full time and save the world, but noooo, i am scribbling in obscurity and the world struggles to survive human suicidal tendencies day after day... of course it is all as it must be as the words come and shall be found in the time that is right for the human consciousness to collectively elevate to actually understand, which is the other side of genius, patience...

so besides the delusions of grandeur and leaving comments in the public eye, i am doing the household chores and quietly enjoying the relaxation and leisure (and laziness) of being outside of the rat race working world for an extended period (the third month just started this weekend, ain't that a treat?)... i am finally settling into enjoying every minute of it, except for the fact that laziness is getting more time and energy than the healthy exercise energy being i have buried deep inside, so some changes must come soon (before i head back to the rat race and curse myself for not doing the exercise increase while i had the time)... of course the foot has been and still is the primary obstacle as it still hurts after extended walking or even sometimes planar facititis is present, so i must take care to prevent the latter from becoming more of an obstacle and i must take time to prevent further injury... the muscles are weak... even more annoying (yes, more annoying) is the reduction in stamina to horrible levels and the age of the body prevents the kind of recovery and rehab and rebuilding of stamina and muscle tissue that i had been used to throughout this life in this body... alas, i am not dead and hope not to die soon, so i shall push and hope the body handles it... now all i need to do is get started again (daily exercise, in case you have been fooled by the babbling)...

cooking lunch now, a pasta and cheese casserole... as the defrag approaches it's eigth hour... ridiculous?... microsoft... vista... crap... it won't be long before i open a browser and start using the computer in spite of the defragging and if that upsets things, oh well, wasted time waiting for microsoft software to work yet again... i'll give the defrag program until after i finish eating... see ya later...

reluctant hero. naturally

of course i want to be a hero, superman, the savior of the world, beloved, unconditionally trusted, as loved and adored for being the embodiment of pure love as any god ever, naturally... practically perfect in every way, even... and of course that is why i announce my wonderful deeds to the world (well, some of them) under the guise of venting or whining or lamenting or grumping just so nobody things i actually want to be as invisible and humble and perfectly perfect as the most perfect being ever imagined cuz that would be so egocentric it could never be as purely perfectly perfect as perfect can be... so i must be crowned all that without ever mentioning it, without ever announcing myself as the ultimate wonder in any truly effective way, hence, the flawed methods i have employed in this and so many other public blogs that i have so carefully maneuvered into practically perfect obscurity over the years... only you, dear readers, have had the brilliant sensitivities and cleverness and random luck to find me, for your eternal grace and blessing... but of course you know all this so nevermind...

was it all a dream, was it all a dream?...

narf lol lam :)

back and forth

mixed in with the pure (e)thereal are entries that give reason to the ethereal aspect of the electronic the real, the electronic manifestation of the literary phenomenon long known as the written gardens that represent story of a life as i have known it from one extreme to another, from the farthest reaches of imagination (to use human terms, euphoria to horror, altruistic bliss to heinous torture, ultimate good to pure evil) to the simple reality of the physical experience that (e)thereal attempts to record (or so we profess), are the slivers, shades, blirts, and plops (whatever these are) of semi-obscure (some more blatant than others) obscurity that pretends not to know what the words are truly conveying (and yet, and yet... what?) as if that is possible (and can you tell and do you know and if you care you can but rarely will anyone) so the pendulum does what a pendulum does and the entries come and go as they will, even if you won't or never do...

in the middle of the night, in the middle of a dream, i wait for you...

somewhere in the middle of last night

this was not a dream and yet, it will appear in both autobiographical and imagination files as the fact has long stood and rarely mentioned, i do not discuss my intimacies unless the partner seeks a public display of affection or expression or more in words or in touches for as long as there is space between us and no permanent partner, there is longing for more, hence, the reality expands through imagination and the imagination fuels intensity and sensuality in reality... and the links may be playful distractions, deliberate obscurity for privacy, or random chances for expansion of thought and communication... in the end, it is a wonderful cycle built for two :)

yes, it was somewhere in the middle of last night
as i pondered weak and weary here
a strange glow from within called me to paradise
and she took me there...

almost there

what it is about, the reference to more to come, probably, that is, is is deeper than a few minutes can get to and i don't have the time i might have had had i not been such a softball addict that i would play two tournaments two weeks in a row with a sore arm... and with sanford winning the pac-10 championship, i must step into the shower and then force myself to sleep so what it is about will have to wait another day (one more of the thousands of days, no doubt)...

simply, tonight is the anniversary of the single most profound emotional change, shift, and trauma of this lifetime... that said, i will not delve much deeper tonight as i want to be awake and rested (especially the arm) for the tournament that starts really early tomorrow... perhaps tomorrow night i will find the will, the motivation, the inspiration, the time, and the right ambiance, atmosphere, and alignment of celestial bodies or something to explore the depths as i have not done in quite some time... att wiped out the website that touched on the depths that are more expressed on paper in boxes in storage up north... candora touched on the inner spaces a bit in the early days perhaps... maybe here too a bit or was that here... and she might remember... ah, the obscurity or the playfulness continues... and that is all we get to in this entry...

it is fitting, perhaps, that the time will be available next week to explore memories of the most intense roller coaster ride my heart ever went on in this life (though there is another that was close and in many ways much more brutal)... meanwhile, check with these links for the current roller coaster ride... and whatever happens in your life, choose to find a way to enjoy it, even if it gets so bad on the outside that you can only enjoy it on the inside, you can - please do...

animorphs

and we all sing together it was a very good year (or something like that)... perhaps we mean anthromorphs... anthromorphs in pjs... anyway, have you noticed the increase in using cows and chickens in tv commercials recently?... stupid as it gets in most cases, especially the guilt tripping some christian-based companies do... just another obvious result of the sickness of religion and greed, but that's beside the point... @nerdist might garner some evidence that makes sense even as it's presented as nonsense, but then, that's the accident of celebrity, everybody thinks you know... time for a 2am snack... whatever time this is uploaded (time being relative, after all... you may have noticed some edits if you were here before, it is just my way of using a popular entry (and this one just keeps seeing more of you here for whatever reasons... tell me why?) to suggest you click on other entries that might mean more, in case you wondered... it is not as if this entry (or any entry, for that matter... obscurity is a wonderful defense, you know?) is serious, important, or profound, after all... but then, that is relative too, in this case, to your perspective... we see things much more as we are than as they are, after all... after all (again), if i make it so challenging to really understand me if anybody ever actually does i will know she (or he) really tried because she (or he) really cares... and then, wondering if i should try to sleep for a couple of hours because i've got to pick up donuts and scratch off tickets and email the time off coupons to my staffing manager before the 7am staff meeting tomorrow (i'd have done it tonight, but brighthouse is not being a friend tonight)...

which of course was last night...

narf and such and such :)

writing time

i've been asked how much time i put into writing each day and i am surprised when some are surprised when i answer, i don't write every day... i suppose that means the dozens of entries uploaded in one sitting appear as though they were written and uploaded on one day... in some cases that is the case, but in other cases i sometimes go a week without writing... ok, so maybe it's not often, but i do not write every day... i write most days (or nights, if we are to be semantically accurate)... but the question of how much time i spend writing has no clear or obvious answer... sometimes thousands of words pour out in less than an hour... sometimes a single entry might remain in-progress for months or years with words added or edited whenever the muses lead me back to the point or place of the entry... i sometimes spend hours writing non-stop, but most days i spend less than fifteen minutes writing... writing is meditation, therapy, self-expression, creative play, amusement, distraction, and in so many was, how i process, remember, and share life...

the sharing of words, however, has minimized in recent years as decades ago i stopped pen-paling and i've created a blogging world here on the internet in relative obscurity (but for the few who stop in to share signs of life every now and then to whom i send much love)... self-publishing takes more time than i have, so we are left with this blog way of self-publishing which has many thousands of page views recorded, but very few comments or acknowledgement that someone read the words posted here... i miss sharing words...

in any case, i may spend a lot less time writing than some of you may have thought and i wonder how that affects what you read when you read (do you hear what i hear?)... i've always found that drugs help us find perspectives and things that might not come if not under the pressure of a root cause analysis...

to be continued?...

diminishing interest

some might say sleep clears the mind and often that is true, but sleep is only half the food the mind needs (thought you knew), sleep allows regeneration but the body still needs food, balanced life sustaining nutrients too... yeah, the rest is good... but so is food... and it happens now and then that i find myself losing interest in coming to the computer, and these past few days have been one of those times... i can fake it by putting words together and uploading oddities and weirdness and obscurity so ridiculous that selling it as cleverness is possible, but then, who are we fooling (and who do we want to fool?... human egos?... insecurities?... naiveties?... innocents?...

robots?...

hidden in obscurity

could be brilliance, could be profound, that is what happens when you care, or not, everything becomes so much more important, or not, and so much clearer as caring brings clarity, or is that just delusion like belief, or something like that... something about being naked, or on stage, or both... and sometimes truth is found in the background noise... did you ask the what?... not just the constant ear-ring, but the story of a life, a heart, a longing, a dream... pity the fool, no doubt... it may be that it is easier to laugh than to cry, given the choice... and there is always a choice, aye?...

don't let the silence fool you, if you can hear it...

narf :)

challenging?

there is a line of thinking, a theory, perhaps, that i do not attract or inspire followers and comments because my open-ended ramblings are challenging to follow, no less respond to and some might find my babblings embarrassing or the majority of people are not looking to be challenged in their casual leisurely blog reading and perhaps that way of thinking has some merit for most people...

is this where i say so?, huh?

yeah, i know, i am a slippery fish not providing any real handle to grab on to as in a topic to respond to that isn't some irreverent silliness or triple meaning or some such odd personal concept so veiled in obscurity that the brain hurts trying to find it (but that just means you need to turn the juice up in your brain, ya know?)...

and then there's the school of thought that considers most of my writing egocentric minutia or personalized nonsense that not even a mother could love (she's not here, after all, so there's the proof for this school)... of course millions of you want to step up and defend my mother now, but no worries, she doesn't even know i exist so she couldn't find any offense in this school...

so you see, there's nothing to fear, the water is wet, and we're having too much fun to fret over anything... especially when we are here... so make it fun, wherever you are, whatever you do, and enjoy yourself... that's the secret to a happy life... the friends and lovers and family and others who care will come along and until they do, you'll be loving every minute of it...

narf :)

ain't no politics here

not if i can help it... it's not that i don't have strong feelings about the stupidity of one social control freak (politicians must have some control freak in them, i mean, either that, or a large dose of egomania cuz altruism and greed are not compatible and i don't see too many politicians choosing to give back all the money and perks) out there in the world, i just don't see any point in empowering those in power with any more attention or energy than they already have... the system is way too screwed up (as in detached from it's cause due to mismanagement and lack of effective communication which fosters special interests and selective hearing and minimal actual caring or awareness which the benefits the greedist control freaks who tend to rise to the top in such a dysfunctional system) or rigged, even, for any real change to happen through normal channels, so i simply voice my opinions in the obscurity of these words as if this in one more marker in the vast field of blogs of the unknown soldiers that exists whether anyone cares or understands or not...

mostly not, i suppose...

narf :}