something's coming

it's happening... the change is coming... i feel it bubbling up ever so definitely and yet, ever so slowly... it's not the excitement of the west side story song, at least not yet, but it is happening... you can catch a sneak previews and stay up to date with changes in the written gardens (all the writings i do, in case this is your first time here) by reading this blogging life and also by paying attention to the right sidebar (just in case you are not keeping up with these daily-plus (e)thereal entries...

so i use the quiet darkness of the night to gather my thoughts, sort through my emotions, and attempt to make some sense of this experience i loosely call my life... it would be easier if the body and mind required no sleep or if i was financially able to retire, but since the first attempt to do just that (retire) failed in the 90s, i've kind of abandoned the idea... survival as a social being in this modern world requires money and since i've given all of mine away too many times, finding income remains my highest priority after maintaining health, sanity, and family (being those i've adopted along the way)... of course income goes a long way toward maintenance of those priorities, so... it maybe ought to be back to the job hunt today after slowing for a few days... maybe?... yes, maybe... cuz professionals in this head-hunting (and dontcha just love the appropriateness of that term?... i mean with all the sarcasm in your heart?) process recommend taking a break too... so i just might take a few days to step completely from the hunt in order to reevaluate refocus and recharge, but we shall see how today flows before i decide what i am doing tomorrow...

in the environs 'round here, jackson will be away for the next five days which gives me the dual-edged (or is that bi-polar) experience of privacy and loneliness, however with the responsibility of caring for happiness each day (not to mention his relative constant begging for attention anytime i move around, especially when i cook or eat), so a complete shedding of responsibility as in a vacation is not a possibility... the privacy will be good as my poor loving heart of gold roommate worries about me so much, she needs some time away from the stress of my unemployment and constantly facing the depressing job market... i may be able to take a vacation of sorts in my mind knowing she is enjoying her vacation (always was good at vicarious pleasure)...

the loneliness, however, pow much more than words are gonna express... it is actually hurting lately... now that i have time to feel it (without constantly distracted by work responsibilities), the longing for a partner, for someone to care about me as their best friend and first thought, the hunger for someone to want to know everything about me and share everything about themselves, the desire for sharing everything completely openly and honestly, intimately, and being each others #1 priority in life... this is the core of me and it has been buried for so long, i believe i have forgotten how to do it which only increasing the ache... self-pity will only undermine any chance of success in finding someone, though while a profound pity-party helps release an immediate flood of emotions and therein clears the way for clarity and more rational thought that in turn clears the way for positive action... so it might be time to take the time to through one again (and the opportunity presents itself these next five days, ah, we see the wisdom of this babbling, aye grasshopper?)...

and yes, the brevity of this blog is being overwhelmed by the emo pushing to erupt not that there is time, which is why - something's coming (get it?... oh, dontcha just love it when the blog comes back 'round to it's own title? lol lam... so what's new with you?)... so shall we transition from the darkness of the garden of gesthemane singing will no one stay awake with me back to the more hopeful depression of the beatles? isn't anybody going to listen to my story... and when i was younger so much younger than today... and... returning to my own personal top ten including need to be in love... and honesty... and remembering the others and then, bridging the old and new and being reborn in song and laughter (with irreverence leading me back to seriousness and then back to laughter... you do remember laughter) and who knows...

what's up doc?... what's new pussycat?... what's it all about, alfie?... what the world needs now is... all we need is love... la la la la la

ah, it does feel good to laugh again :)