because i obviously have head junk

and want to share more than usual, i keep returning to write more... i am tired of tv and sitting around searching for jobs... i am tired of being alone in life and for too many hours each day (two different things, if you get my meaning)... i am tired of giving everything to others and getting back less than i want, though i am so beyond words appreciative of what i do get especially from those i keep close like jackson cuz she reminds me there are humans in this world with the proverbial heart of gold who have such good intentions and so much love inside...

and i wonder sometimes - am i so willing to give everything away because i do not want to be alone, because i want someone to love me?... am i buying love?... or is it just because it feels so good to see a smile and know i had a part in inspiring the smile... the latter is definitely the motivation i attribute to my choices most of the time because it is a fact of life for me, but in these introspective days i am wondering how much of it is also insecurity...

obviously the insecurity is erupting lately... and surely that is not going to attract anyone or make me a more marketable job candidate... and without someone who can and will help me through it, i just need to work through it myself... trusting those around me to understand and not be driven too far away, not that there are people around me much (evaluate human interactions over the past 18 days - 1. jackson for an hour or few most days, 95% superficial being in the same living space... shared a few meals at the tv... 2. jackson's friend {yeah, i know, we'll come up with a name eventually when i clear some of the head junk} for a few to days, lunch out with jackson's friend once... that is all)... and avoid the "it's all about me" perspective, please (which is the biggest trap of insecurity... at least i am not paranoid much, he writes with a smirk... and at least i still find myself laughing at myself regularly... yeah, i know, i am really bad at the depression thing... i keep forgetting how sad and down i am supposed to me... being a child inside and all)...

what?... or rather, where were we?... who knows... or rather, who cares?... yeah, i know my far away friends reading this do - and thank you for being out there (and finding me in all these words)... and i definitely know jackson does, so much it hurts to be a burden on her and hurts for her to feel like she is a burden on me and i guess that is what family means (never really knew and still don't as my experience with the concept of family is so transient, but that is a whole other depression we can save for another time, aye?... living without most of the human delusions is a very lonely experience even when all is going well, i understand why humans buy into them {the delusions} when insecurity erupts and stirs up all the head junk as it's doing now... but i've long since given up trying to convince my rational mind to buy into them, so here we are, or at least, here i am)...

i may have wandered away from any point i was getting at here, again... must be all the head junk...