neck ache

maybe write later...

distracted by milla

there are a few people in this world who can grab my attention and time just passes and some do it from afar through video and words and milla jovovich is one... mila kunis and what's her name from almost famous and now a tv show too, but they are beside the point at the moment... yeah, i know, i really ought to do better than what's her name cuz what's her name is no way to treat a friend, right, but hey, she'd get it and laugh ya know?... oh zooey, should i say pardon the laughter now or just get back out of this parenthetic aside?)...

right, so milla (whatever happened to that sorta nerdy-cool oddball kennedy, anyway?... la radio?) has always been one of the coolest artists in the world for me (if you understand what i mean by way beyond the fantasy, maybe you get it) and the past hour or so i lost myself in finding dozens of songs and videos and that's just one more reason i love her (as joni mitchell sang, she sings for free) and wow, remembering how much i love music again is a wonderful alternative to sleep, even on a work night... and so often i wish someone would come along with that level of understanding (and so much more) and want to share it with me (especially when i find myself staying up all night excited by music and hello?)

... hello... hello...

but seriously, whatever else you do, don't fade away...

cycles cycle

for you too, i imagine... but this is my blog, so what about me?... i sense i am slipping back into my solitary written world again (in case you wanted to know) as i am returning to writing more often, but still not automatically writing daily and no longer checking email or all the blogs each night as i was doing when you were in your sharing mode... still, here i am... just cuz i tossed food in the oven and had to poop and i carried the laptop to the potty doesn't mean i don't love ya, ya know? :)

another work day... the boss was surprisingly civil and i ignored the passive aggressive director and professionally bonded a bit more with the new directors and the doctor, which is excellent, but it's such an unpredictable mix... i really would be better off out of there, but the market is so bare...

yup

last entry finished within the hour as i fell asleep before finishing, but here's another cuz the babbler woke ever so slightly this week and i think there's more to come this weekend (alas, work in a few hours puts a cork in the babbler for tonight i think) and this is good (except for the cork, i think) and the babbler misses you (maybe most of all)...

more to follow, as so often is and was the case, will you ever really know?...

hope so :)

another month

actually, another year, almost... i've been writing more lately... jackson was here yesterday and today and she's back in jax tonight and flies back north tomorrow... it was great to see her and her visit got me to finally clean the place up, which is a unique change for me... a good change, i think... i could actually invite someone over now and they'd have a place to sit and not look around wondering why there's so much chaos and clutter everywhere... nobody really wants to see below the surface anyway ya know... maybe that's why i finally realized i am looking for nobody :)

ok, maybe somebody does, just not here in the physical world these days, ok?... i was off today, but went in for a few hours and took care of stuff so everybody else could have the day off... gonna play a game now, tv has reached the point of boring enough so that i am wondering why i pay for cable... so what's up with you? :)

hope all is well :)

something like this

an entry of pieces put together something like this...

and got home from work and put food in the over and went to the bathroom and started an entry (cuz my hands are free so why not make use of the few minutes, aye, and if that is tmi, well, oh well, you should probably not read my other blog/journal/diaries then, narf) but i did not finish the entry i started elsewhere before i wandered back to the living room and picked up the game controller, so here it is hours later after i nodded off and went to bed and woke at 3am-ish (as opposed to 3 amish) and feel a bit bloated and not ready to lay back down (still not used to sleeping in a bed and still no actual comfortable bed going on seventeen years now... wow, i guess... so much supposed sadness i accept as just the way it is that so few, if anyone, understands) and the middle of the night blurry wanting to share feeling brings me to the keyboard (with the game controller right next to me, ah, thank goodness for my love of numbers and escapes so my loneliness can still be laughed off by the little kid indulged this way now more than ever... i choose to care, i choose to share, i choose to write, it feels alright, good night, nite nite... tbc?)...

and the phone was busy tonight as a local friend called about new years and she seems to be of the same mind set that staying home alone and relaxing is more appealing than driving somewhere 40-50 minutes away as that is where she lives and the other parties are about equally distant) and then ancient family called to discuss the 'estate' that i will have almost no part of and i acknowledged that i will sign off on him taking the condo which is what he called about (we've spoken maybe twice in twenty years, which is more often than most of the adopted family i left behind long ago for many rational and healthy reasons) and that is the way it is, or something like it)...

my lemonade is still the sweetest around so far, so i can only hope yours is good too if your life has not been perfect (and if it has bee, wow, how'd that happen? :)

gonna go play now, it's about 3am and i am wide awake after a nice nap... hope you are enjoying your life as much (if not more) than i enjoy mine... and yes, i do want to know, in case you think nobody does (i do silly, stop feeling so alone)... kit (as in keep in touch), at least with yourself (see, it's something like this), and i'll be around again sometime...

cuz it's better this way :)

(or something like that :)

just play the game

it is not that i attract selfish people, i just tolerate them longer than most so after a while, the selfish people are all that is left cuz they have driven away the unselfish people... probably why i should not stay at any one place for too long, so is eleven years too long, i wonder... was supposed to be off today but went in for a few hours cuz nobody else would... having jackson here was a wonderful change... we ate sushi and talked a bit, but mostly she caught up on sleep and reassured herself that she wanted to move back down here... the living space looks so different cuz i finally actually did pick up and clean up and that seems to be a good change... and so now, i relax after dinner with my game... if i am not past this game phase when she moves back down next month i'll probably get a new tv... oddly the old tv seems to have fixed itself somewhere along the way over the last couple of days as there is no longer wiggly lines at the top of the screen... anyway, i hope your holidays are fun too :)

writing the record

perhaps... all this is writing the record of the life i kinda sorta seem to think of or at least consider mine from time to time... and tonight, i wrote and recorded and (why this is bullsugar! no doubt), but really, i did do lots more writing tonight than i have in weeks and even though i write a few words daily, i have not been connecting dots or digging deeper or playing creatively or having the fun with words i used to have regularly mostly because i am devoting so much time to work, social life away from the computer, and that dang lovable statistically addictive video game (did i mention jackson, ----, and i played a bit of xbox without controllers tonight... amazing, exercise and invasion of privacy all in one box lol, i mean, do those photos get sent anywhere we don't know about when the box is connected to the internet?... how many people play their xbox nude or nearly nude... i see a hoard of voyeur hackers watching you playing your xbox now, but anyway) and since the world is not banging down my door for more pearls of wisdom of any sort of writing (hello world, are you still there?), i drift into the physical plane now and then... i know, blasphemy for the writer, but hey, go ahead and call me on it if you want more words (snark snark)...

a wonderful night in a wonderful life, even outside of the movies and written gardens... wish for more sharing of it all, but enjoying it all by myself too... hope you find your record of the life you loosely (or fervorently, as in with much fervor, ya know?, for that matter) call yours as rich and rewarding and fun as i find mine...

seriously, be blessed :)

poor baby

not me for a change, but jackson... she is so tired... been sick (nagging lingering northern winter chest congestion stuffy clogged head bug) and stressed and not sleeping much and even on vacation woke every moring way too early cuz of babies in the family so tonight is her first night back here and she conked out... not sure when she needs to get up in the morning cuz she has a busy day (interview and testing for her new job) and she'll be gone by the afternoon...

watching monday night football cuz she is a bigger sports nut than i am but also cuz this game decides my fantasy football championship (did i mention i am in the championship game in the fantasy football league we are in?... she is in another one and is in the championship game there... between our two games we have nine or ten players who are playing in the game tonight who factor into the final scores in our leagues... so far i have a good lead and there's just 11 more minutes to go in the game... jackson is behind, but has a second week in her other league... this is it for the one we are in together... and then there is a 27 year old record for passing yardage in a season about to be broken...

and so here we are, writing words instead of playing the ncaa football game... still no interest in the facbook and other online communication worlds... the novelty has passed once again (they come and go on the net, from the beginnings of the bbs world to the aol and newsgroups worlds to the chatrooms and boards and communities and so on... then the mini-networking giants and blogs... and the friendsters and meetups and other next-level social networking... then the mega-sites, myspace, then facebook... i am ready for whatever comes next...

and how about you? :)

headache lingers

maybe it's too much cleaning up and not enough going out and having fun with friends... surviving and the place, (at least the kitchen, living room, dining room, and bathrooms are), is much less cluttered and much cleaner... awaiting jackson's visit... just sitting around waiting at this point... headache go away... slept through her first call so she's doing other stuff with others and bringing them here, sheesh, not really, no, really...

are you having fun yet? :)

wonky ouchy

woke with a headache, neck ache, wonky ouchy feeling and not sure why... ear screaming louder than usual... slight belly discomfort... weird, but partly may be due to sleeping poorly... maybe cuz i left the tv on, but more cuz the phone kept making noise cuz of texts and at least one call... not fair cuz i really moved a lot and did not vege much and i have so much to do today and i feel all whiney and crabby and achy and unrested and most of all, wonky ouchy...

odd i choose to return to frequent updating and even some babbling this weekend?... coincidences again?... asking the void cuz even i am not interested in answers, just interested in feeling better... ever been here?...

shower time?...

getting stuff done

yup, the tv is on (ncis) which was just interrupted by wwe which really turns me off so i switched channels and what do i find (not eight tiny reindeer, though it's about that time, aye?), but you've got mail (another all-time favorite, though i love sleepless in seattle more... where are you movie partner?... sigh... or meg ryan, for that matter :)

lots getting done around here... laundry down to just a couple of loads of towels and bedding stuff and the kitchen is half sparkly and more than half the stuff has been put away (even folded and hung up the clothes, yeah, even the socks and underwear)... lit candles and incense and spent a comfy night at home (actually making it homey-ish) for the first time in a long long time... putting stuff away and cleaning up is kinda like moving in and starting over and that's a wonderful and exciting feeling... also a little lonely, but not so much tonight cuz it's been so long since i did it :)

i love this movie lol :)

just in case

you noticed, that is (see previous entry, perhaps)... and i am laughing at the coincidence (whether there are coincidences can be discussed another time) of the title (someday you may understand if you read through to the last and outlive me) but not thinking the same thoughts that prompted the other, i wonder...

anyway, the life continues and today was filled with long overdue work around the living spaces, laundry, unpacking, packing, cleaning, and rearranging stuff (and some cooking) cuz it is time to do what i've been putting off for weeks (so the football on tv was keeping me company rather than the xbox game occupying the body and mind... i decided to stay with the football cuz if i turned on one of the many movies (it's a wonderful life, the sound of music, forrest gump, miracle on 34th st, a christmas story, the fifth element {every one a favorite, four all-time favorites... i'll let you guess which those are} and other stuff, but luckily tv does suck and torturous hacket job on movies i don't feel i am missing any movies when they are on tv cuz when i do watch if the editing does not turn my stomach, the commercials ruin the movie experience... but still, love those movies and really ought to watch some more often and wish i had another movie loving friend to share the couch {and theatres} and that's what turning on the tv for the first time in weeks brought to mind today) i might not continue doing the house work, ya know?...

so just in case you noticed, thanks :)

maybe it's time to continue, aye? :)

noticing

noticing that the last blog i wrote in besides the dailies was body thoughts (though that might be a daily in another state of mind when exercise was exercised and recorded daily, like a couple of years ago perhaps, aye?) heightens awareness that i am writing less and online less in the last month or two than i have been in maybe a decade or longer...

anybody else notice? :)

oh?

oh?

enjoying myself

as in, alone, offline, and happy to be here... fun weekend, lots of activity with friends, yummy food... fun games... and home much of the same (sans the friends)... and i paused on my home fun to turn on the computer (yes, cuz i went to the bathroom, so be it) and after five minutes on facebook i moaned and after ten i left... so much hate, so much cruelty, so much negative energy, it is getting as bad as the news... i hardly go to the facebook site anymore and the last ten minutes will keep me away even longer... too many people choosing to be unhappy and sharing their unhappiness...

so how are you? :)

too much fun, not enough time

just getting home from a birthday party for five three friends and then all night car-playing marathon... fun, yet what about today (and sleep?)... gotta nap a bit and wake to take precious to lunch or dinner for her birthday... and the cleaning that must be done cuz stuff has been piling up for months?... sheesh, maybe i won't sleep this weekend and week and la la la someone is overtired giddy just too little time and not enough fun slap-happy :)

and how are you? :)

give and give some more

though i do find a little take in there, it's not shared so it doesn't count as much in the thought concept of the cultural phrase if you know what i mean... so i give the day off back to work, but just a few hours, and sleep in an extra two hours or so and then shop about an hour or so (amazing how food keeps disappearing from the shelves around here... and amazing how easy it is to spend $300 on replacing stuff... three trips from the car to the door later, the cabinets, fridge, and freezer are not so bare)... played a bit of game and then napped the past two hours or so and sitting here drip drying from an almost hot shower (the water here never really gets hot by my standards and the washer dryer is in the way of the control, dangit)... must leave for a friend's surprise party in a few minutes... kinda sorta wanna be on time as walking in when he gets there would be kind of spoiling the surprise, aye?... tomorrow i take precious out for her birthday... must clean this weekend though... need several full days, so might not sleep much... time time time, it's never enough...

and how are you? :)

blessed are the ones who remember to feel

actually, this was gonna be titled blessed with another potty break cuz that is what brings me to the keyboard and away from the game, but hey, there's a much deeper memory wanting to smile without any foul odors on this date so i found another more suitable title and even though this paragraph kind of distracts from it (who me?), the blessing is no less... remembering is almost as good as being there... yeah, almost :)

almost arranged the three day weekend, almost gave myself the choice between cleaning the space or diving into written gardens and distracting myself with the fun of the game... but must wake tomorrow sometime for a bit of work at the office so i shall not abandon all responsibility tonight, alas, and perhaps that is why i remain alone... though all evidence points to the opposite conclusion and if i was a bit more responsible way back when, well, imagine the different life that would have been... not for me, perhaps, as i made the choices i made... or did i? (smirking giggle?... oh my, whoever understands drop your drawers now lol lam laa narf :)

singing... nobody knows the tubbles i've been... or babbles i've blogged, for that matter... but all in all, it's been the best life i can remember well and so, yay for random chance or cosmic planning or the genius of instinct... meanwhile, i wonder about you... feel free to fill me in anytime :)

the botts theory

something for another blog, no doubt, but here i am less and less these days so i start out here with whatever is on my mind and meld into the daily (e)thereal life as i mozey on through the keystrokes... anyway, perhaps if i had a laptop permanently in the bathroom, i would blog more often... yup, that's the botts theory all right... i mean, in case you wondered...

so another day blitzed with people with serious issues and unhappiness and power trips and other people not knowing how to handle them, therein triggering conflicts and power struggles so unnecessary and counterproductive and unhealthy, alas, but still i accomplished more than i set out to accomplish (half the secret of genius is knowing how to set reasonable goals while still shooting for the moon, aka, head in the clouds but feet on the ground make for best view and best footing... might have read that somewhere, like a fortune cookie, but be that as it may, be, even, feel free to take these little parenthetic secrets with you, free, even... not to say a donation of a few kind words in the comment box would be frowned upon, not at all, in fact, wanna see me smile some more? :)

and home almost excited about being off tomorrow, but alas, the power tripping set me up to have to go in (do they just like trying to manipulate others and mess with people?... who knows)... i shall go in for an hour or two and accept a full days pay though, so it's a fair trade...

and suddenly i hear my brain asking who's that knocking on my door and by the time i get there, nobody is at the door... wrong door?... maybe they wanted a neighbor?... don't see anyone outside selling anything (it's a gated community, after all, seldom get sales peoples)... anyway, imagine that, a phantom knocker interrupting this important work... well, now that i am back in the living room, time for the game... make your life the way you want it to be too, every moment, cuz you can... don't be afraid of change, just follow your wisdom, intelligence, desire, dream, instincts, and most of all, your heart... that's the way to happiness... really it is, no matter what bumps get in the way... hope you find it too :)

oh, that last stuff wasn't part of the botts theory, by the way, but it's worth knowing and actualizing... try it if you haven't already, ok? :)

alases and laughter

life is work and the video game, though last night a friend and i went out for sushi and plum wine... i forgot how much i like plum wine... still is alcohol though and i am still not an alcohol fan, but it is so yummy... so was the sushi... and the friend, though she was a very sad girl as she is done with love in a profoundly seriously final way (just staring through teary eyes at the obvious truth that no one can predict the future), alas... we can choose the path we walk and choosing to be alone is one path, somehow i am on it myself, so there is a profound connection or sorts and for a moment thinking really got me sad too (and i didn't even start digging into my lonelies and misfortunes of the heart, sigh, it has been quite a while since i did... and i got to thinking for a fleeting moment or two about how alone i am and wow, emotions are heavy... so why am i still laughing? (must be that sweet madness that has kept me free of forced medical care all these years... lol lam laa narf :)

seriously though, wow... i miss the roller coaster... i think :)

time running out on the weekend

so many things i wanted to do (and looking around the space, needed to do is i want to live here comfortably and cleanly and with others), but time is non-stop doing stuff today (didn't even turn on the tv and haven't touched the game since early this morning)... mostly i spent the afternoon searching for transportation to maine... no flights direct, no free flights on southwest (i have tickets i never use) and no easy way to get there... gonna take a whole day to travel with stops and transfers and then ground transport... alas... gonna try to fit my laptop in my carry-on since the dang airlines are charging for bags now and i refuse to take more than one... and of course not enough time to really develop the intimate social life i would life...

so anyway, frustrated with lack of time and so much not done and otherwise, good day... winning fantasy football (though i forgot to set my team again this week) and it's the first round of the playoffs... got the plane ticket after having to cancel one when i found out (not told until after purchase) that it would be an extra $25 per flight for each bag, seriously NOT... anyway, nobody move anywhere southwest doesn't fly and i'll be fine, ok? (laughing at me, are you? :)

gonna eat something now cuz in spite of the pigging out yesterday, i did not eat today so it's been more than 12 hours and i am hungry... at least with being on the computer half the day searching for transportation, i did stop in briefly in some blogs and there are new words floating around, in case you wanted to read some more...

so really, i hope your day is wonderful too :)

lols and alases

oh really?... no really?... oh ho ho ho :)

read me, read me (click here) and click through the links inside

no no, read and click through on the links in this one

no secrets here, move along

busy weekend, no time for much but the fun involved, though i frown upon arriving home due to the lack of me-time, writing time, and cleaning time (and the place is in a state of extremely obnoxious disarray alas and all, (so i remind myself to stay positive and amused as possible and focus on the fun, and being the silly irresponsible child that i am sometimes, it works :)

not inviting guests over though lol lam sigh :)

and you? :)

arriving home

after dinner, concert, party, and after party, i really ought to be ready for bed (if i slept in a bed, but that's a different colored horse), but instead i am bloated and wired and jonesing for some ncaa football video game so after providing a bit more fertilizer to an already over-fertilized planet i shall likely renew the acquaintance between my callouses and the controller so season whatever-it-is (eight or nine i think, the game keeps track and i can check stats when i want to and that's a large part of the fun for my number-loving brain and they don't have enough stats, really, but that horse as a different hue as well) can continue minimally abated from wherever it was i left off (game keeps track, again)... so goes the recently rearranged home life habits, at least until the middle of next month when another major change comes home... change is good (when we make it good and actually, good or not, change is constant so might as well make it good, aye?)...

fun fun fun cuz i make it that way (hope you do too :)

just for the record

and for the cd too, for that matter, the last few entries here have been quite meaningful to me, i think... seriously, i think... and we really shouldn't be laughing at me, unless it's serious laughter... don't dilute the seriousness when it comes, after all...

meanwhile, not enough time to have all the fun of the fair...

heading out to dinner and a concert, not sure where or who, will know when i get there and will let you know when i get back, or the next time i am here if i remember... feel free to remind me, text works best cuz i am intermittent on the computer these days (as if you haven't noticed)... do winter mittens rhyme with intermittent?... whatever, it's time to head out...

love you, miss you, hug you, kiss you... in a sing song friendly kind of way ya know :)

make today special :)

someday... no really, someday

there may be time for us, for sharing, for caring in real time (remember real time?) and laughter (without the stairway to heaven), yet the best laid plans to explain often go awry like most everything else when there is simply not enough time to do all that one wants to do (cuz worklife takes up so much time and aging requires more sleeptime every year to function without physical pain and live longer and i hope you all live long enough to understand what i mean, not that it'll make you all the wiser, but you can't really moan until you understand... and i mean any real moan, so fake it if you must children, and if you are not laughing, hopefully you will, someday :)

really i do :)

still love you

just because i am not here
doesn't mean i do not care
sometimes i just want a break
from the internet and the neck ache
in case i didn't actually make it clear (cuz i really haven't made it completely clear to myself, cuz denial is a powerful tool for the obsessed blogger ya know), too much computer hurts my neck... a lot... more and more with each passing month this past year... so i am breaking away a bit from sitting and typing... not that i could stay away for long, but just for a while, less time here, more time offline moving around more cuz moving around more hurts less and is healthy...

so how are you? (yes i really really really want to know, so be sure)...

never enough time

the party started at six according to the response to my text query that i sent at about five thirty, though there were early bird gamers already there playing some hard core adventure strategy board game that takes hours... and i said i'd be there around seven cuz i wanted to shower and also do a little more of a few things i was doing (searching for something for jackson and playing the game and cleaning a bit and relaxing a bit... softball was fun, though brief this morning, but i am still tired, though feeling better and digesting the pizza and pasta i ate for lunch)...

so what time is it?... well, i showered and am dripping dry as i write this... don't rush the pleasure, there is enough rushing through life in the work time... so i will be later than the late i intended and still, it is early on a saturday night and we shall have fun nonetheless...

cuz except in those rare moments with the one (or the one until the one arrives, alas), there is nenver enough time in this life to do all the things i want to do (those the one moments are the exception because all i want to do is be with the one if you follow the reality of the experience and understand what i mean)...

hope your weekend is full of fun too (make it so :)

morning catch up

woke early with a fatigue hangover headache and body ache, digestive or kidney ache, sniffles, either kidney stone issues or body head cold flu bugs, played game to distract, time to head out to softball to exercise it away (or die, but we hope for the first plan to work out ya know :)

time time time, never enough...

no matter what, make your day fun too :)

doritos for dinner

and gatorade, so it is a balances mostly vegetarian meal of corn and oils and whatever... the video game again occupies my time away from work and work was the expected ridiculous dump of insanity as i started catching up on work not done while i was away (bosses can get away with not doing what they don't want to do, after all, and the boss is my backup when i am away)...

time for fun and games, catch up later...

what happened?

for weeks, months, even, i would get home and turn on the tv, ncis when it was on, sci-fi when it wasn't, usually... and while the tv occupied the background, i tapped on the keys here and other places (not to mention facebook and twitter and... wherever)... everybody was happy and in touch (even the 99.99999999999999% who never let me know)... then suddenly, impulsively, even, the xbox that sat in the corner for months (since way before jackson moved) was connected and the ncaa college football game was turned on and nothing will ever be the same... well, nothing is ever actually really the same cuz time changes everything and everything with time, or in time, for that matter, but don't ask me in time for what... in any case, or event, even, i disappeared, sort of, and here i am again...

that's what happened, but not what i was asking in the title... maybe the babbles will finally pour out into where it belongs and this will get back to brief daily updates of life as i know it... wouldn't it be nice?...

work, lts of it, but nothing i had planned (like catching up on last week) cuz ahca walked in and the dance lasted until 5 and i decided that was enough... so maybe tomorrow i start catching up... endless, isn't it?...

meanwhile, in romania, look what i found... !...

good day for you? :)

sleep must

that is, i must sleep... just for the record, anybody means any body as in you, dear reader... a simple nod of your head might suffice if i could see your head, but a simple word might be easier than setting up a video recording studio or even turning on a web cam and creating a feed that i can see somewhere, live or not, youtube, even...

the point, i ponder, must be to continue, even when continuing means singing the impossible dream... kapish?... anybody? lol lam laa :)

played the game today, ate a little, rested a lot, cleaned nothing, no laundry, mess expands, doritos were good, lonelies raining down (like that song, rain on me, or something like that)... it is after midnight, do you know where your childinside is?...

work early tomorrow, a day too soon, but thems the breaks sometimes... sleepy now, groggy brain, curling up mode... and in spite of the rain, much fun and smiles, hope you found smiles today too...

not enough time

for me... that is so sad... but then, i do make the best of it even as it means living in a messy space for another week or so (how long has it been?... since july?... yup, long time to live in the clutter of semi-unpacked and semi-packed boxes and piles of stuff awaiting sorting, discarding, and putting away... how does that old song with so many edges go?... a man needs a maid... a woman too, honestly (as my girlfriends will all attests with smiles)...

wonderful weekend, wonderful week off, wonderful wonderful... just not enough rest time, clean-up time, or me-time before returning to the working madness tomorrow morning... so i put off the clean-up yet another day (madness for most, giggles and only slight sighing alases and a grunt for me) and i put off more writing for yet another day (more sighs and flutters of lonelies), and i put off sleep for another day (eye-rolls and sighs and a bit of deep mourning over loss of life-span and a grumble or two), and i head for the fun of the fair (me-time) all by myself (cuz nobody is here to share it, alas, again, ladeedah lament lol lam laa and all that jazz {not to mention alliteration}, kapish?... anybody?)...

so how are you? :)

home again (no ring)

as in ring-a-ding-ding, whatever that means... back from ft lauderdale and wanna do so many things (from writing {so many places to so many people and more} to reading {so many missed words in so many places on and offline} to chores {need a week, at least} to sleeping {not soon, alas} to playing the game {please please please?} to talk to friends {alas, who might be awake, dear gardens, dear google, dear gethsemane) to . . . well, much more... time time time, is telling me a story that ends with the conclusion that there is never enough time (at least not until you find the one and live happily ever after, but that's colors a horse in a different story)...

wonderful fun, just not enough time to get everything done... including writing words for myself and for you... but continue i shall (including sudden semi-secret subliminal messages to everything, the the one to old friends and new, to someone, to no one, to me and to you), even if it is never enough (where oh where is the tape with that song and theme, alas... missing music haunts my nights, phantom memories haunt my days, hope the story turns out right, wish the music would return and play... cuz i'm better when the music plays)... or so it seems (omigosh)...

hope your weekend was wonderful fun too :)

morning after

not hung over, though bloated and achy and a bit numb... have to check out soon, so shower and head out to the fields to watch and support orlando softball (since we were knocked out of the tournament about 10:30 last night) and then the long drive home... yay for being off tomorrow... boo for not being off tuesday cuz work needed me... alas, stop - no work thoughts, fun day ahead...

hope yours is fun too :)

loving the fun

could have been better, yes... like i could be in love and have the perfect partner to share everything in life... or more to the immediate activities, i could be pitching for one of the other teams and actually have a good chance of winning championships and tournaments (two teams asked me to be their pitcher for next season already, but loyalty is important too)... or i could have better eating habits, for that matter (and not so easily laugh off the fact that i don't... though i eat a heck of a lot of veggies and salads and healthy food and have better eating habits than most americans, it is relative as is everything and i definitely eat too much of everything in one sitting cuz i love food, which is the whole oral stimulus thing that brings us back around to the physical aspect of being in love (though the emotional and mental sharing is still more important for me, say 42, 32, 26, if we attempt quantification of importance, for the moment at least, and perfect partner thought which ia par for the course after such a long day of physical play and night social life play)... but hey, it can always be better... bottom line serious now, fun was had by all, i think, definitely by me...

back from the party, you expected less of a ramble? :)

more please

not that the body wants more at this very moment (though some of it does), but i really want more of these marathon physical endurance exercise days and wish i found time and motivation and most of all friends who would share days and weekends like this with me more often... we played the tournament, five games, and did much better than i thought we would and i will catch up with details later cuz right now i am heading out with the youngsters to enjoy some night out fun...

hope your weekend is fun too :)

resting between games

finished up the morning round robin with a win afer losing the first two (we almost won the first game but some errors cost us the game in the last inning... so will be seeded in the lower half for this evening's two-loss elimination begins...

gonna lay down, close my eyes, and see if it is nap time :)

hope your day is rocking with fun too :)

g'morning

yes, here we are in this semi-seedy room with the bathroom bugs (please no bedbugs, please no bedbugs) and the mattress that should have been thrown out twenty years ago (it has a visible indentation on one side and has no support left anywhere) and it rained last night (and may still be raining this morning) and off we go to play softball for at least 12 hours... are we fools or masochists? (laughing, so at least fools) and then... way too much fatty ribeye last night, so the kidneys are telling me how stupid i am, but i had a social dinner with the team until 10:30pm (so didn't get to sleep early so the body is telling me how stupid i am for not sleeping enough) and hopefully i will not produce a stone today and be incapacitated tonight or tomorrow for either more softball or a long drive home... and then there is the most likely outcome of this tournament, five humiliating loses and we are done, cuz these guys are way too new and inexperienced to play tournament level ball, but fun, that's what we are here for, fun... and what else is new?... shhhh, now that all that is out, time to head out the door and start the day worry-free with nothing but positivity, right?...

all the challenges of this physical life aside, make today wonderful because you can... i know i will...

no really, you can :)

g'morning

yes, here we are in this semi-seeding room with the bathroom bugs (please no bedbugs, please no bedbugs) and the mattress that should have been thrown out twenty years ago (it has a visible indentation on one side and has no support left anywhere) and it rained last night (and may still be raining this morning) and off we go to play softball for at least 12 hours... are we fools or masochists? (laughing, so at least fools) and then... way too much fatty ribeye last night, so the kidneys are telling me how stupid i am, but i had a social dinner with the team until 10:30pm (so didn't get to sleep early so the body is telling me how stupid i am for not sleeping enough) and hopefully i will not produce a stone today and be incapacitated tonight or tomorrow for either more softball or a long drive home... and then there is the most likely outcome of this tournament, five humiliating loses and we are done, cuz these guys are way too new and inexperienced to play tournament level ball, but fun, that's what we are here for, fun... and what else is new?... shhhh, now that all that is out, time to head out the door and start the day worry-free with nothing but positivity, right?...

all the challenges of this physical life aside, make today wonderful because you can... i know i will...

no really, you can :)

softball weekend

while i stumbled across this atrocious abuse of power while checking on facebook because i am sharing a room with someone who pointed me to facebook because he added a dozen or so friends from the team to my account, i am trying to stay positive about humanity as i am here to enjoy a weekend of softball and friends and fresh air and exercise and fun... and being away from home (and the xbox), i even have a moment to update (e)thereal (yes, blessed we are, and of course yes, sarcastic i am)...

i do miss the comments you never left :)

make your weekend fun, ok? :)

life or sleep?... life

so i took no sleep into the 5k at 8am yesterday (drove downtown 6am to pick up the race packet and then took a nap in the car for a half hour or so) made for a long nap during the day after the run and then a rush to get to the dinner (forgetting nothing would be open so i couldn't pick up the veggies or ice cream that was on my tentative list... luckily someone else picked up veggies and abby (who was making the party) knows me well enough to have picked up extra veggies and ice cream... when i bring stuff i bring a lot, so they forgive my not bringing on occasion)... and then dinner and so on until after midnight left me crashing when i got home (don't even remember what i did when i got home) and now i am busy doing laundry and packing (and trying to squeeze in a little cleaning cuz the place is a mess) and running late for driving down to ft lauderdale, so... all that to say i shall not have many words here and yet, i am squeezing in some time to check in and keep in touch...

should be leaving now to make dinner with the team, but alas, i will probably not leave for a couple of hours at least cuz there is too much to do around here and i do not want my last day off (monday) to be a packed-with-house-work day if i can help it (probably can't help it... or i could just ignore the mess longer :)

work, eat, vege

mostly vegged with the game today... got lots planned for the rest of the week so the purely me-time vacation is over... tomorrow 5k with friends, then something with them, then dinner at their house... friday i leave for ft. lauderdale and i forgot all about trying to find out who has the key to the old people's apartment so i won't be checking it out (or staying there free for that matter, though i suspect it smells awful and may be bug infested) as i start a weekend softball tournament friday through sunday (though we may be through saturday night) and then, rest monday cuz it's back to work tuesday cuz they just couldn't get along without me for a full weeks... they are sad at work, really...

the 5k is 6am so i should sleep, but sleep is against my nature sometimes :)

yeah, i know (with or without emphasis)

from craig ferguson to stephen wright, the inflection or lack thereof fits the bipolar meanings of the title if you follow, or even if you don't... i am not exactly sure just when i practically gave up the lament over no comments (those who know me are laughing, those who don't are wondering a bit, or maybe not), but we all know it is only as lonely as we want it to be out here in blogland... or offline life, for that matter... we are what we are, silent spectators watching the world go by without much more than a whisper of acknowledgement (i just seem like i acknoledge a lot out here with all these words, don't i?)... if we are not laughing, well, then i laugh alone :)

fun with the game at home today... tomorrow starts a very busy weekend... wonder if i am gonna go through game withdrawals... only sorta, cuz that's how i roll... if you only knew what i know, you'd understand and be laughing aong... i hope you are at least pleased to find some words cuz as much as they are for me, they are out here for you too...

please take care of you :)

today was tomorrow yesterday, ya know?

so it started somewhere back here and in a strange short and winding road, bounced around some thing like this though quite possible in reverse order, like-speaking, and more ironic than there may ever be time to explain cuz time is relative after all and i will always love you, even if it seems to always be at some future* date* or not*

someday we'll all understand

*links will likely not work as they are future entries


PS... Happy Birthday Shari :)

obviously blah blah blah

what i means is, obviously there is a flood of babble waiting for the fingers to connect with the keys again and this is not the place for such as the previous entry begged to become and that could become a monthload of entries here (as if there was never any time away, as has been done before, no less), but discipline has kept this blog briefer than any other daily blog (the funda were not daily, after all, and all the other brief snippet blogs aren't either and it is easier to be brief in a special purpose blog like those i elude to kinda hoping you'll find them and like them, ya know) and so it shall be again (we hope), the daily (e)thereal (or did a new one already start somehow somewhere elsewhere without my even realizing it?)...

fun softball today... no work today... no work this week, yay... screw the unappreciative workplace and that's all the mental energy it gets... fun ncaa football video game today... kicking butt as the ucf coach trying to go to our third national championship in the six seasons i've been coaching ucf (already won conference usa five times and was invited to the acc this year so i have better chances to get into the bcs championship game now... goal is get an invite to one of the big conferences and kick butt there)... and loneliness for love, as usual, but enjoying the social life i have... pigging out a bit more than is balanced lately, but still eating lots of healthy fruits and veggies and balance most of the time... ignoring the living space a bit so it's quite messy, but nobody comes over so what me worry ya know... watching a little nfl monday night tonight and remembering i keep forgetting fantasy football each week... and missing you, but what else is new, aye?...

yay for updates :)

neglectful, i have been

yes, in yodaspeak or not, neglectful, i have been, as i have been playing elsewhere offline for much time now and those who know me through facebook wonder and those who know me through blogs wonder and those who know me through the phone lines ask and know i have been away from the web, but well and happy and enjoying myself and still, the writer, the blogger, the friend to you dear readers wakes feeling sad that i have neglected you... as the photo that has been my profile photo here on blogger for the past month or few suggests, the writer and writing interests has been slipping through the shelves and as usual, that represents so much to me (and you, if you understand me)... it is not the best, but not the worst of times either and adjustments to shelving take place now and then in this life... the hope is the best books remain aloft and those that end up on the floor understand the floor is where it all begins for one who cleans by dumping everything on the floor and putting everything where it belongs as it it is all brand new stuff)... i miss you and wonder if you understand the irony of the but of a fact that i have missed myself for quite some time now (much longer than the last few weeks away from here, in fact, much longer than this (e)thereal blog with almost 2500 entries existed, but that is a long and winding road of a very different horse that we will not beat, dead or not, for the whole ramble that this entry might have been belongs behind the candoor or some other elsewhere, gaimanspeak or not, if you follow anything i've ever said/written, ya know?)... i miss you more now and hope to be back for more sharing here soon...

and you?...

where been?

mostly working... and playing softball... and playing the video game... even skipped an out-of-town wedding i was invited to cuz i did not want to give up a whole weekend away from home cuz i really need to squeeze in rest between work, softball, and video...

and i didn't want to skip the weekend softball...

i really ought to make time to clean this place this week... it's still in the disarray created when erika moved out with stuff kind of everywhere,... but there's just so little time away from work that i want to fill it with fun... and nobody comes over anyway...

not much new, aye? :)

number eleven, number eleven, number eleven

hey, it worked for number nine...

someday, i may write an entry fitting of this date, but for now, i leave these words here to be uploaded at the scheduled aforementioned time just cuz i love numbers and who knows, whether we know it or not, it might actually mean something somewhere in the universe, maybe even here...

and so i did, amazing, perhaps, especially since i have been away from writing daily and away from the internet and touched the computer only once or twice in the past week or two, but here we are... see what numbers will do?... or was it something more intuitive or profound, even... like please help my friend become mayor for a day by clicking like on her video (pass it on, she so deserves it) cuz some things (and people) are magical, ya know?...

there is something profound somewhere, if only there was time to find it... maybe before the numbers go away...

ok then, again?

yes, i have the audacity to be so deep in the blissful abyss of self-indulgent game playing that i somehow tore myself away from the addiction to writing that has been one of my best friends since i first found crayons make marks on paper (while other nursery schoolers were just eating them, aye?), but for some reason tonight i decided to return as i usually do instead of playing the game (and now i'll be up way too late cuz i'll play at least one game before going to sleep, silly addiction to fun) and sure enough i find messages for me (one here, a few elsewhere) and then there is THIS!... PLEASE CLICK AND LIKE THIS VIDEO cuz you love me, right?... you'll be helping my friend become mayor for a day and she so deserves it {not just cuz she's adorable, cuz she really cares so much i shudder to think of her actually finding out the world so does not} and i will love you even more than i already do) so it was meant to be and so on, the whole being here thing...

and i miss you too...

wow, away

we have reached the point where i am even ignoring the phone and that is quite self-absorbed, if you know what i mean... not totally ignoring, but not responding to it (as in looking at it when it makes a sound or answering every message)... and just look at how few entries have been here lately... as if i needed proof that nobody would notice if i disappeared... i feel your emptiness, once known as z0tl (short for he who was once known as z0tl, but when have we ever been formal here, aye?)... sure, the sense of humor survives anything, even, well, anything...

i lucked out and made it to the bcs championship game and won... it took beating #1 florida and then having florida beat the new #1 alabama and then iowa beating #4 michigan and michigan beating #3 ohio state and there i was slipped up into the #2 spot to play #1 oklahoma... so ucf is the national champion and has the most all-americans of any team and i won coach of the year two years running and did i mention i kinda love that game?...

meanwhile, softball kinda sucked this week as my teams went 3-5 this week... double headers and an extra monday night game didn't help... lack of hitting and errors and a few walks all combined to close loses... walks are weird... most weeks i don't walk any... my hitting was eh, probably batted around .500, which is not good for softball (for me at least)... i did strike out a bunch of people, but just not enough... no wonder i prefer the video gasme world at the moment, aye?...

anybody miss me? (here, there, or anywhere?)...

so what's up with you?...

yeah, i really do wanna know...

doing list

as opposed to a to-do list i suppose... yeah, though i could use more variety, i am keeping too busy to think much... time consumption (or investment, depending on perspective) the last few weeks:

1. work (office)
2. sleep (home)
3. playing softball (including organizing and coaching and hanging with softball friends) (outdoors and out places)
4. playing ncaa college football on xbox (home)
5. daily living stuff (bathing and such, cleaning and laundry, cooking and eating, and so on) (home and out for eating)
6. other socializing (out public places and friends homes)
7. other exercise (running, gym, etc) (home, other places, and outside)
8. writing (home, mostly)
9. internet wanderings and reading (email, facebook, etc) (home mostly)
10. reading other than internet (home and away)

wonder what i am leaving out... anyway, the primary difference in the last few weeks and the prior few months is a major decreases in #8 and #9 and an equivalent increase in #4… prior to the last few months, the difference would be a zero for #4, decreases in #1 and #2, and increases in #6, #7, #8, and #9…

fascinating, no doubt :)

probably not sleeping as much as the above makes it seem though... so i ought to get to that now... but now you know (and i know you've been dying to) what i have been doing with the bulk of my time... still love to read, just not a priority... someday i will ask you for a reading list (with a why for each item) so you really ought to gert back to reviewing reading stuff in your blog for that purpose, ya know ;)

sleep dangit

yeah, so i am loving the ncaa college football video game so much i am sleeping less and doing other things less and laughing at the world around me as i distract myself from most of it with, yes, the video game...

and you? :)

kinda amazing

the time passing without the daily writing, that is... amazing with a capital smile too :)

or is that this =)

one of these days i'll be back catching up like crazy... for now, just cuz i love you and care about you and don't want worries or frets in your world about me, i am here to let you know all is well, wonderful, even, in spite of the same old same old challenges from humans and life (one last stab from the family that i'll explain and deal with another time) and my self-indulgent time continues yay yay yay :)

so i'll cheat by repeating words i wrote to a friend who wanted to know what i'm doing and how i am as if it's just another (e)thereal update, ok?... well, it's ok, believe it :)

today i played the video game, then went to softball practice, then went to a birthday party at a sports bar, then came here... squeezed a shower and cgange in after softball and will play video a bit more tonight after writing a bit... have four softball games tomorrow so i must convince myself to sleep some good sleep tonight :)

see, that's just like an (e)thereal entry, right?... and yes, everyone out there and reading (and many who are not) and all of you caring and asking (and not asking too), this is true for you... i missed your words too... i missed writing too... i still am loving the self-indulgence though :)

and the time away from words and the internet and facebook and browsing and blogs is good too because so much of the time i spend on the internet is a distraction and the game provides a different kind of distraction and change breaks monotony and monotony is not good so this change is good and i am still going out to my softball and friends stuff (birthday tonight, softball thursday, friday, today, and tomorrow), david sedaris with a friend last sunday... the only thing i skipped was the josh groban concern last saturday cuz i was tired, had softball in the morning, had no one into josh to go with, and was really into the game last weekend (first weekend with the game i think... losing track of time lol lam and loving that :)

thank you to the friend who inspired me to respond (and to the friend who got me to a sports bar for her birthday so i got into a college football game (lsu is a dirty team that should be sanctioned for the foul play of some of their defensive players, but of course that's not gonna happen cuz the sec brings in too much money for the ncaa... human corruption and hypocrisy still stinks, but whatever, that's out there and i'm in here and humans are on their own this week... besides, you can lead horses to water, you know... and nobody can help anyone who is not ready for the help and the denial and delusion is profound in humanity and if you get what i mean in this parentheses, feel free to come a little closer... the ways, including the phone number, are easy to find) that i turned on when i got home... first time the tv has been on tv in a week or more... going back to the game a bit now... hope you are loving your life as much as i am loving mine (even if it is all by yourself)...

you can do it too :)

wow, again

only the second post all week (unless i add some later, shhhh) i think cuz i am indulging the game player in me and taking a break from the daily writing and daily blogging and almost daily internet browsing (including facebook) and most surprising is my break from even this daily (e)thereal kit that has been going on for a very long time (years and thousands of entries)...

no worries, i am only pausing and self-indulging and loving the self-love that represents and is in actual action and still crave the sharing that brings me back here (and other more social media places) and will likely not be gone for long (as this second post this week kinda demonstrates)...

love you for your patience... love me for mine too :)

hope life is smiling :)

xbox confessions

i connected the xbox tuesday night...

i have ncaa college football for the xbox...

do i need to explain any further where i have been this week?... laugh all you want, i love the escape into the game after years away...

my thumb is in pain though :)

and ok, so i am lonely more than every lately and escaping into the game is a wonderful distraction... so many people in daily life... none but work people in mine and it's a paranoid negative environment so there's no closeness with each other or in each others lives... not sure who has it better (i rejoice in the lack of drama and drainage of energy and celebrate the semi-freedom and relative independence in mine, even when the lonelies want to crush me, i'm still under there celebrating... kind of like the bottom article of clothing, only the dirty laundry pressure i feel is from desire to share within me, if that makes any sense in comparison)... everybody else has stress of relationships and family and deaths of loved ones and yet, but i do see them rejoicing in their own way at the plans and shared experiences...

so i didn't turn on the computer for the past few days... played the game all tuesday night and then went to work... slept as soon as i got home wednesday and then went to work... played part of the evening then slept yesterday then went to work... and here we are... i think the only reason i am at the computer is cuz i am, ummm, pooping... i don't think i pooped since tuesday... yes, you probably didn't need to know that, but hey, it's the real... if i didn't have leftover subs and pasta, i might not have eaten, though there's always lunch at work if i remember i sometimes get hungry... work absorbs me almost as much as this particular video game... anyway, yes, babbles on the toilet seat (botts) has another page in it's book... laughter may abound, but i'll be playing ncaa football shortly :)

at least the computer is on again :)

happy you day :)

i will be back to update someday

sure, be overly dramatic in the title... this moment is brought to you by caring, because of caring, i am here for a moment to tell you i love you even if we are out of touch or never met and i especially love you if we have met and you are reading (cuz if you are not reading, you aren;t even here, right?... unless you're just staring at the screen, in which case, wake up and start reading or find something else to do that won't put you to sleep... unless you want to sleep, in which case just keep staring at the screen... if you try reading you might fall asleep even faster)...

i have had a busy week and will catch up this weekend, i hope (a busy weekend is planned), but more, i finally connected the xbox... nuff said if you know me...

love ya :)

just relaxing

there is probably lots i could do, especially around this place (hey, i did start a laundry), but today will be mostly relaxing... lots of softball over the weekend, i might motivate myself to run later, but everybody i know is working and this is the last day off so i shall indulge...

an amazingly poor showing in softball this week, seven games and we were close in every game but i don't think there was one win now that i look back... yeah, i'm not sure, i play to play so much more than i play to win, but every game was a give-away by errors and nobody scored more than 9 runs against us, but my teams average score was around 3, which is pathetic in softball... some weeks are like that (but it sure would be sweet to have one team that actually has the basic skills at all positions and actually practices and plays like they want to win, ya know :)

fun anyway and fills the social void... if i had a softball partner, activity partner, best friend sharing it all then winning and losing wouldn't matter but on my own it is more fun to win than lose cuz it provides that illusion of success through caring about each other as a team, or something like that... next weekend i'll be missing parties (halloween) and softball cuz i have concerts to go to (nobody to go with to the josh groban concert, alas, nobody i know is into groban)...

feeling the lonelies, but feeling euphoric too cuz days off are so rare and rest is so sweet :)

not enough, but better than nothing

not enough exercise but more, not enough socializing, but better than nothing for a night off... just went 1 for 3 in the game, couldn't find the ball... pitched ok after the first inning once i found the batters weak spots, but nobody in the infield made a play so every ground ball became a runner on base except for the three to me that i threw out... the team didn't hit and lost 9-4... only three of the runs should have scored, maybe less, but errors are killers in softball...

splurged (in calories) on taco bell tonight... not as much as i usually get though so i am far from stuffed (and even a little hungry)... being good about the cakes and snacks and chocolates and sugars and just need to step up the exercise some more (yeah, seven softball games a week is not enough)... anybody wanna run with me? :)

work wakes me

was taking a beautiful afternoon nap and sure enough, work calls... well, not work, but the state calling about work on my personal cell... i called work and straightened out what was needed for now, but so far no real day off in the two days i took off... maybe tomorrow will be a real completed no-work day off...

relaxing with tv after lunch (leftover fish from last night) and would have liked another hour of nap time, but i am just way too important to take afternoon naps, aye?... everybody roll eyes... so how was your day? :)

find myself awake

with softball on my mind... maybe i said too much (haven't said enough) and should have vented in a private place that only the closest friends can read, but they are called meaningless complaints, public or not, because i don't think anybody reads them and they change nothing outside of me (but they are enormously helpful for me as they vent frustration and organize thinking and lead to logical happy decisions, so like it or not, i write... after all, i write first for myself and share with anyone who cares and communicate when someone indicates they want to and most of the time no one does, but just in case you wanted to know me, the words are out here...

another way to hope to find friends, ya know? :)

gonna rest today, maybe some laundry and cleaning and probably a nap... softball later as the team we played yesterday needs me to fill in for their pitcher... i play with some of them thursday nights and am more friendly with them than with most of my sunday team (as i said {if you follow links and read me elsewhere}, we are all one big softball family... i play in five different leagues and have played in all the leagues around town and the closest softball friends are usually spread out as they may be a few from each team... one of these years i'll see about putting them all together :)

and now, as i wipe some bleariness from my eyes, the excitement of a day off begins :)

home again (rinse, lather, rinse, and repeat)

a wonderful day of sunshine and exercise and friends and fun and losses and food and relazation and more exercise and more friends and more food and now, tv sports and internet wandering and more relaxing... ever notice how close sunshine is to sinshine?... on the keyboard, i mean... just saying... anyway, how are you?... hope your day was just as much fun and even more shared (cuz that's the only way mine could have been better :)

sleep well and make tomorrow even better :)

skidaddling

that is, hurrying out the door to get to the softball game after showering and drinking water and taking my vitamins (did you know the word vitamins can mean 'i love you' in friendspeak?... yes, well, now you do :)

make today stupendous :)

oh come on now

sleep would have come some twelve hours ago, or more, if i let it and here i am still buzzing with excitement and blurry bleary-eyed thinking cuz i love the night so much i never want it to end... and some thing it's just insomnia lol lam laa :)

tv and internet (facebook and youtube and alternative news and more, see the links if you know where to find them... what, you want the easy link here every time?... i will not enable your laziness tonight... call me mischievous, lazy, mean, rumpelstilskin, or whatever you'd like, so there) and writing and emo-ing and dreaming and wishing and hoping too...

hope your night was as much fun :)

just keep writing

that's what i do... nobody has to respond (and more than 99% of the time no one does) and that is beyond my control so i just keep writing because everything feels better after i express it for through expression i review and understand by re-expereincing and that is worth the time and energy... and i will continue to put the words out here in the public internet because the sharing is still the point of life for me and this way i share even when no one is here...

stopped by facebook to read and 'like' and let some more people know i exist cuz somebody might reach out beyond a comment or 'like' or continue a conversation off the internet as the social internet is one more way of reaching out to the world, but as with my many bloggering adventures and avenues (and side streets and alleys), this is not the point of life (sharing offline is), meerly one more potential means to an end... not exactly sure how to ask my local facebook friends what they are doing at any given time (like is anybody going to 'taste of maitland' on monday night?' or even 'any girls wanna play softball tomorrow' {cuz we may be short players tomorrow}, or just hello... hello... hello... a la pink floyd), but it's still a public place too say something in many ways and so i do)...

earlier was softball practice for about 150 minutes and i ran around for most of it because before that was all-i-could-eat shrimp at red lobster (with precious) and i did (eat all i could eat shrimp)... almost napped when i got home, but munched a few nuts and drank some gatorade instead and now will sit back relaxing with half an eye on college football and half an eye on the internet...

are you doing what you want to do in this life? :)

strange threads

facebook threads, that is... i just spent an hour, maybe longer, conversing with a couple of friends on facebook in a randomly absurd (but quite amusing) kind of way and i went back to read it (cuz it is not easy to read it while typing rapid fire responses back and forth) and i found the two threads i gave all that time and creative energy to are gone... not sure why... did we offend someone?... well, probably, but people are too easily offended... maybe the two friends deleted the threads as they were on their wall and they have the right to, but i hope not cuz that was a lot of fun and time and typing and i'd hate to think it is gone and not readable... whatever the reason, if i don't get to read the thread, probably won't be doing that again...

some of you would have loved it :)

good softball loss

we should have won, the 2-3-4 hitters were coming up with the one on and one out, but we lost by two... i went 3-3, but unfortunately got picked off first on a leaping line drive catch to the first baseman... silent coach at first didn't help... and in the last inning i heard the coach yell come back so i went back to first and the batter walked to the dugout and we find out the umpire called the ball trapped by the right fielder and i was out at second... we need to get our coaching together and i am going to coach myself next game until i can rely on coaching... not happy cuz i should have known better... but anyway, we lost 12-10 and if not for a few errors and base running mistakes and a few bad calls by the ump (really bad that cost us several runs), we would have won... the team we played has been undefeated for years and may bend the runs to get there (they only had seven or eight regular players today and picked up enough to have ten when we only played with nine, but i guess they don't play by standard rules... it's a church league and the preacher/pastor is on that winning team and they are all the best players and most competitive personalities... kind of typical church hypocrisy from my perspective, but i love softball and get to play, so politics, religion, and even unfairness can be ignored)... we lost to them by one run in the finals last season... we'll see them again in the playoffs...

back to relaxing a little tv and maybe i'll check facebook... hope your evening was fun too :)

relaxing afternoon

only a few work calls so most of me still consider it a day off... just sat here enjoying time home alone, wandering the internet, glancing up at tv, texting a bit, cooked and ate some lunch, all in all, wonderful afternoon... relaxing too :)

hope yours was just as good, or better, even :)

this strange affair of life

likely this belongs more in bullsugar than here as i watch the saddest music in the world (maybe, aye?) and reminisce about the rather odd (some might say warped) perspective of the canadian sense of humor it only fuels the overall wonder, excitement, and sadness of this strange affair of life in which i long to share everything beyond the limits of any human imagination with every fiber of my being as none have ever dared before and remain alone perhaps because no one else has such a limitless longing (or dares to actualize it) and yet, it is sheer bliss...

i ask you, is there anybody here as happy as i am?...

narfissimo lol lam laa :)

just the way it is

i can amuse myself with meaningsless complaints (and let most people read me in reverse) in this blogging life and just as easily in life out there (so easy to be misunderstood) for no apparent reason (and so many comments left floating where we may never find them again), or i could trust people i know to be there when the ache to share cries out (even though nobody is there or here most of the time), or i could go private and write only to myself and give up on humanity (how dark and dreary, i mean, even stephen king has love in his life partner, right?... but then, he publishes... imagine if he wrote what he writes and shared it with no one, now that may be the scariest story of all), or i could lose myself in the facebook life (like the girl in the commercial, you know?), or i could zone into youtube (the true reality tv, almost), or i could dive into the internet and read until the end of time (whatever happened to libraries?), or i could leave it all behind and start elsewhere and stop reaching out and only respond to those who choose to reach out to me...

squirrel...

feeling alone

yeah, well, nobody who cares knows about my challenging week (cuz they are not around day to day) and nobody who knows cares much... sucks to be sick and alone... the stone passed, and i survive another day... pain, fighting infection, drinking lots of water... finally ate something after getting home (another long corporate day with the usual blind leading the blind at the top working hard to justify their jobs so they can keep their high salaries), the half leftover egg salad wrap and half leftover pastrami sandwich and leftover french fries and lots of water... hopefully we do not have a repeat of monday night (cuz this is what i ate monday night... no pickle tonight though... wondering if it's nitrates that fuel stones... they are uric acid stones, so the body is too acedic, or something like that... yeah, whatever, i know... anyway, another challenging week continues)...

and how are you? :}

sick workaholic

dry heaves, bloody urine, stabbing pains, can't keep anything down, can't sit still, the joys of a 24+ hours kidney stone... and i headed into work at 6am (cuz i couldn't sleep all night anyway) and who cares, nobody at work, that's for sure... had monday to catch up on as nothing planned was done due to external surveyors surprising us with an investigation again... got most of what i wanted to get done in spite of the physical distractions... had a two hour orientation training to do (only had to rush out to the bathroom a couple of times to dry heave)... then a one hour meeting to chair with corporate people there and the usual undermining challenges from the don... could have been worse... then the rest of the day meeting with the corporate people who were there to grill me on what i do and there just was no way to be as sharp as i could be, but hopefully they dealt with the fact that i was pissing blood, dry heaving, and passing a kidney stone with a grain of salt... yeah, grain of salt, ha ha...

and now, try to sleep...

fatigue

came home early, ate, and laid down about five hours ago to sleep four hours... woke about an hour ago and read some words from a friend and responded as well as i could and a bit of writing and a bit of football (can miami wide receivers get any worse?... and i have brandon marshall in fantasy and he could have had two touchdowns and another 60-100 yards easy if he could catch the ball... sad night for my fantasy team... so unpredictable... my team has scored the most points in the first five weeks and yet i am 2-3 because my weekly opponents had their best weeks the week they played me so my total opponent score is highest in the league too... bad luck, long season, but my team is falling apart with injuries)...

visited by investigators at work again so nothing got done that needed to get done tomorrow... i'll wake and head in about 6am to catch up as much as i can... feeling alone tonight... feeling the reality of the fact that nobody puts me first in this life and everybody who cares is not close enough to really know me or share daily life... so i come here hoping...

how are you? :}

sweet exhaustion

oh so sweet and slightly painful exhaustion... walking is slightly painful and even slightly challenging as each muscle movement requires conscious thought to prevent stumbling or even falling over... it feels so very wonderful, fantastic, rejuvenating (and alive, most of all, alive)...

two hours sleep after a very long day of softball and batting cage and after a brief evening nap, hours of playing games with friend and then a two hour nap and more softball and sunshine and then, squeezing out my last reserves for a 17-1 win in the afternoon softball game and then, a request to fill in for the next game for another team and then, another request to fill in for the next game for yet another team and i was hitting and running and scoring all the way through (besides all the pitching) and the muscles know it... oh how well they know it... can i hear my body talk?... oh yeah... and i love finding it's voice again :)

wish someone was here to experience it with me (and share their body talk too)... but it is no less wondrous and magical and real alone (cuz it's my experience, after all, and as much as sharing can happen, nobody else can actually experience it)... ah, but dreaming of the the shared illusion is still nice though (like the beach boys sang :)

hope your weekend was as magically delicious as mine :)

home late, wake early

wake early tomorrow morning that is, even though it is tomorrow morning already so what i mean is, wake in three hours or less... ridiculous, i know, but tonight was fun and so i hung out until a little while ago and was wired when i got home (as usual) and instead of exercising (and masturbating) i came here to write and after writing a bit here and there, it is time to let the brain rest and more, let the body crash cuz it is tired...

one more entry that no one may read, but the words are here for the friends who care and that is what i need to fuel the hope for more sharing with someone caring to know me and what i do every day... and if you are out there, thanks and hope you are smiling too :)

good nap, could have been longer

but there are fun and games awaiting me at a friend's house just 20 miles down the road and so it is time to shower and head out... are you making your weekend fun?... hope so (even if you are not reading and have no clue these words were ever here)...

pickles

omigahhhhddd, yes, an expression of sheer pleasureable surprise (or surprising levels of pleasure) well beyond omigosh, i found pickles... not just pickles, but pickles... i even gave it a recommendation at facebook and i have never given anything a recommendation and i even posted the recommendation on my wall and i've never posted a recommendation on my wall so you know this is serious, right?...

oh go ahead, mock me, i'm doing it :)

rachel sandwich, excellent (fyi, there are ratings above excellent, but rarely does any food get an excellent outside of nyc and even more rare does any food get above excellent anywhere... whyat, you didn't know i was a food critic in my spare time?... well, actually, i am not a food critic, i am a food rater... i ignore the crap whereas critics seem to revel in finding and complaining about the crap... just stuff you came here to know about me, right?... meanwhile, outside the parentheses)... knish, very excellent... coney island ny hot dog, very good... egg salad wrap w/bacon, very good... yes, i just had to splurge and sample several menu items... cuz every good fridge should have at least some delicious leftovers for a few days, yum...

gonna nap now :)

silly, sleep already

the weather channel shouts at me from the tv and i've been writing serious and silly stuff and just remembered craig fergy's son was on so i switched over and started listening to liza minelli cuz she is kinda fascinating in a classical 20th century show business kind of way
and why the heck am i not asleep cuz i have to be up at least at 7 tomorrow to get to a tournament at 8 to play... six hours sleep if i hurry to bed now... gonna have to break my caffeine fast tomorrow (haven't had any in almost 2 weeks)... yeah, so nite nite, i hope :)

fumbly bumbly win

but a win nonetheless so we are 2-0, i think... i am already losing track of the records in all the leagues... that's cuz i love playing so much more than i love winning (but still, winning feels better than losing almost every time)... and the tournament tomorrow with the beer drinkers should be fun... should sleep soon, but post-softball excitement happens (as does hunger, but i'm not giving into hunger tonight... last week the bug to drop at least some of the extra weight bit and it's been sort of a week now of light dinners which is the key to dropping weight (fewer calories, but even more important, very few calories after dinner...

so good night for the softball team and for will power... how about you? :)

home from work, off to play

that's the life i know today... almost everything i do is fun, even if i'm the only one... not that others don't have fun too, but i mean, even if i am on my own, you know, no partner sharing the work or play or anything... lots of friends and momentary partners to share whatever i want to share but bouncing from person to person is less fun than sharing everything with someone one so a touch of the lonelies for this moment of touching base between the work and the play... work was good, got lots accomplished... off to play now...

make your life fun too (and hope some one shares it all with you :)

sometimes i wonder (softball)

that is, sometimes i wonder why some of the better players try so little... we tied 7-7 and the other team should not have had more than 2 runs... so the team that nwon the championship two seasons ago (and then took a season off) is now 1-1-1... last week we lost 6-1, nobody's bat came to play... i got up to bat twice, one hit... they always put me up last when i probably get as many hits as anybody on the team, but they all want to hit home runs so there are lots of pop and fly outs... one guy hit two home runs, they walked him the next two times he was up... i went 1 for 3, the adrenaline just doesn't flow much on this team... not exactly sure why they play, but hopefully they'll show up for the playoffs...

almost on time with work stuff this month and quarter... having fun and getting organized better and better in spite of the dysfunction there... and less lonely at home, though still lonely, maybe just less sad about it... probably would be even less sad if i actually unpacked everything and moved in... waiting for someone to share that process is kinda futile... futile is no fun... ok, unpack more this weekend... sleep soon now though cuz more softball tomorrow night after another long day and then, long softball weekend, so...

nite nite :)

heading into a softball weekend

if the weather cooperates... last week all my weekend games were rained out... got the thursday and friday games in though... so tonight starts another marathon... tonight, tomorrow night, saturday tournament, sunday morning and then, sunday afternoon... still not enough softball, but the body needs some rest... no wonder i don't have a softball partner, who is crazy enough to want to play as much as i do, aye?...

hope you make your free time as much fun as i do (you can :)

alrighty then (sorta)

sleep is good for the body and mind, yet i do not give the body and mind i loosely (and only occasionally) call mine quite enough most of the time... i did what the body and mind would like me to do last night though... i fell asleep somewhere between six and eight, waking only a couple of times to drink, empty bladder, roll over, and then woke just before six and laid there until about six thirty when i got dressed and went out for a run (18:59.1 for the five laps which are about a half a 5k) and then showered without rushing, washing the hair twice and adding conditioner before washing the body so it set a bit before rinsing and then sat here typing a comment to a friend and bit of babble and soon i shall dress and head out to work... this is the way mornings would be every morning if the universe provided the 42 hour day i keep requesting... ah, but in this 24 hour day world, i would miss the evening and social life and creative play (already do after just one day)... so balance, precarious as it may be, is the only answer short of winning the lottery, getting financially lucky in some other way, or becoming a successful at the money-grabber game... as i do not enjoy or wish to play the latter and have not had the good fortune of the former two, i walk on through the wind and maintain, as well as i am able, some form of the precarious balance...

hope your day starts out smiling too :)

sleepy

wonderful night last night that almost didn't happen cuz i forgot all about it until about five minutes before i had to leave to get there on time and zoom, yay... tonight, sleep is calling loudly and i am about ready to give in...

hope your week is as wonderful :)

how to not sleep

how easily i forget lol lam laa... yup, this was amazing... and i know i shouldn't stay up all night, but sheesh, you try living (or sleeping, no less) in my head after that... good luck... you really missed another amazing experience (but you can catch it and make it your own, check your local theatres :)

the music of the night is ringing in my ears, singing all the way home in the car, and about to unpack the cds to find the soundtrack, yes, finally unpacking the cds after two moves... the power of the music of the night, aye?...

wish you were here :)

back to the same

all investigation day which means nothing else got done, not even all the follow-up for the weekend... since my back-up decided not to do the work on friday, there was more for me and the admin asst to do today... and so much anger from down the hall, not sure why... so lack of cooperation and dysfunction reign supreme and so it goes... no longer playing that game though, so i will decide for them when they don't want to talk or answer questions or decide for themselves... i am remembering how so many people would rather be children...

and home to turkey cheese burgers... too lazy to make anything else... and soon, fall asleep to the football game, if not sooner... what are you up to? :)

cleaning, laundry, facebook

instead of softball, i filled the day and evening with cleaning, laundry, football, and facebook... cleaning and laundry and football went on most of the day and evening and the tv was in the background all day and evening... i sat down to facebook a couple of hours ago cuz comments started coming into my phone and it was nice to get a little attention from the world outside my head :)

i will write more another time, i am going to head to sleep now... i hope you had a fun filled weekend too :)

and the changes

lately, as in the last week or so, i've not always been coming here first when i sit down with the laptop as an old friend (still crazy after all these years, and all that jazz) started a shared blog and she has been writing almost daily or more and i respond there before coming here because, after all, one of the primary purposes (like maybe 49.999% of the primary purpose if there are just two primary purposes for the daily blog and this blogging life in the first place) was and is to share, care, communicate, and interact, so the tenor and immediacy of this (e)thereal place may be changing and a glimmer of the possibility that the time to move on to yet another daily might be approaching as something like (e)threal as in the (e) real thrill (if threal is defined as real thrill) is gone, or returning, depending on perspective, but for the moment, here we are…

rain rain rain all weekend and some actual catching up on sleep but not nearly enough todo much more than scratch the surface and… yes… realizing surfaces once again… so it rained here the entire weekend and all my softball was cancelled except friday night (we just squeezed in the game)... and i went out to play cards with some friends last night, but otherwise rested more than i have in more than a year and it just barely scratched the surface of the rest this body actually needs... alas, giving away too much money in this life has taken decades off the potential life span and as it appears now i may be working like this until the day this body stops being alive... very sad, but at least i love what i do for money almost all the time...

and now, waking to shower and explore another afternoon…

hope yours is smiling too :)

pain in the neck (again?)

yes, actually, still and continuing to increase, no less, but while it is somewhat non-existent (or at least manageable), let's remember that today started with a beautiful morning and had all sorts of babbling adventures in personal communications and private blogs and then i started catching up with myself, though that was interrupted by the neck so i took a nap and friends woke me to come over for games so i drove a half hour in the pouring rain cuz that is where the party was and had fun... resisted stopping for junk food for the third day in a row, though i ate some junk processed chicken junk, some nuts, and some chocolate at the party and then some soup (which makes third day in a row of soup which cuts the calories but is probably full of more sodium than necessary even though some of it was labelled low sodium and made with sea salt) and then i came home and finished catching up with myself (though it was a false alarm as the focus dissolved into mindless babble as it has not in some time), but then we knew it would takes weeks of sleeping in to actually catch up so no surprise and probably why i am just plodding through life instead of resting...

still wonder if it's better than nothing, aye? :}

catching up with myself

sort of... starting with this blog... it is plugging right along approaching 2300 entries and satisfying the purpose i think i had for it when i started it, so a good feeling about it continues as i continue it and it continues me... some oddities or ironies or tid bitz, for that matter, raise an eyebrow and a smile, like this blogger dashboard that lists all of my blogger blogs (well over 50 now, yes, i know) tells me i have two followers but when i check it only shows one follower and that follower (hello if you check in here) has no posts in a blog design i like to look at (and love the title) and i have no idea if the second follower is hiding somehow or simply a figment of the blogger dashboard's imagination and then i consider that my previous incarnation for daily blogging has 11 followers (and more seem to join periodically in spite of my lack of updating there) and there is an equivalent discrepancy in actually listed followers when compared to the blogger-generated number of followers so either there is a way to hide from someone you are following here or blogger has a glitch in their counting software (or figments, at least) and then i consider that the almost 2300 posts here have a lifetime total of just over 8000 page views (with the most viewed page is the most viewed page (like by 30% more than the second most viewed page or why the most referrals came from here today, but that may be beside the point) and all those posts only have a total of 223 comments so far (considering some posts have up to a dozen comments, i’d estimate less than 1% of the entries here actually have a comment) and that suggests i have silent visitors who either happen by searching for something and/or a few regular visitors who find the literary expression of my daily life leaving them speechless (i know, it is so amazing i can barely find the words some days… right, and i am still looking for that unicorn for that commenter who wanted to buy one too and if you are not laughing with me, then please cheer up cuz life really is too short to take anything so seriously that you cannot find humor in even the worst of it… i care and will listen, seriously, so please don’t feel alone) so all this to say (or suggest) that i took a look at what i do here (in terms of writing this blog) today and why i do it and while the dream of sharing and interacting and finding friends and pleasing an audience (and fame a fortune, on a more distance sarcastic fantasy type of dream) and the one remains as strong and real as ever, the daily purpose is still to put my thoughts, feeling, experiences, and activities into words so i can remember and evaluate and record them for myself and anyone who cares or who may someday care (and posterity, good ol’ posterity) and in the end, to catch up with myself…

yes, so it is agreed as you know as well as i that i love the rare introspective moments and what better way to turn a beautiful morning into a wonderful day...

and how are you? :)