another saturday night

i don't spend to many at home these days, but i decided it was time to give myself the night and catch up on laundry and rest and use the time to write and respond to another flood of words from toronto cuz that is where i left off, after all, and i do create this life by connecting all the threads to weave a tapestry (always hoping to find someone who will share it all in real time real space right here and now and all that jazz)...

a bit of pigging out on dried fruits and grains and shrimp and cheese-its today... but the kidney seems better and the muscles are rested... will i return to serious exercise tomorrow?... we shall see... meanwhile, it's be fun to relax and focus on words for a change...

hope your day was great too :)

wow, writing

i love writing the way pheobe on friends loves her songs and today, i let myself write just a bit... as it was a letter to a friend, i'll clean it up for any privacy violations before i put it online, but it felt pretty good... yeah, just pretty good, alas, there is just not enough time or rest to really get the muses going... but there's a ton more of both than yesterday... this is good... if only there was time for great (or better)... there's always hope :)

waking to the day

i have not much intention of doing anything today and i might not go out as planned tonight if i am wise because rest is the elixir for more than half of the challenges i face every day and writing is the elixir for a large portion of the rest and i do not take enough days or nights off to really rest or write, so maybe today...

and maybe some housework...

good morning :)

crawling from chair to bed

that is all :)

home early

and gonna relax, maybe even clean up enough to sit in the big green chair, though the laptop is too stationary to move with me and the chair has definitely seen it's best days pass... i'm not checking the calendar so i won't convince myself to go out somewhere... hopefully i didn't promise anybody anything... i think i did make plans for tomorrow night to go to the greek restaurant on i drive...

curling up and napping would be nice too :)

time for me (not)

sleeping just a bit longer to rest the body (read: kidney), though not taking the day off... and not, off to work i go again... hoping you make today a wonderful day and we share something meanwhile sometime :)

still ticking

yeah, ok, so i have this stubborn streak a billion light years wide that has kept me from dying, from giving up, from caving into depression, from abusing myself being a certain limit, and so on... like right now, it has me still awake and writing, babbling, that is... and the entries will find their way into RealTime and behind the candoor eventually... and posterity (and maybe someone who cares) will read... i long ago gave up expecting responses and have come mostly to expect to be ignored since arriving to the web more than ten years ago, but i am patient (and laughing)...

i think i'll let myself nod off now for a few hours... nite nite :)

hard core dude

yeah, so i pitched a shutout except for the wild throw from third to first that let a run score from second base when it should have been a third out... and i hit two doubles and a single and walked once, scoring four runs and batting in eight in a 31-1 win... had to feel sad for the opposing team, they only had eight players show up and then really sucked (no offense, it's a technical term harry chapin, famous do-gooder, taught me)...

and the right kidney held up fine from what i can tell and it appears the stones that did not pass during the day dissolved back into the soup from which they came... so after the game, being that i did not each today, i had ten wings and ten shrimp and then, stopping on the way home, i had a few more shrimp and a can of planters nut-rition digestive health mix... yummy... more food than the body needed, of course, but then, the body feels much better now...

and now, i feel like writing... who knows where that may lead :)

moments with who

home for a moment or few as i left work early cuz of the challenge the stones present (concentrating on stationary task, sitting still, and so on)but with the ahc/sipp/dcf surveyors due next tuesday and knowing the team has not prepared well enough (because the place has a long strong history of ignoring pi/qa), i must go in tomorrow instead of taking the day off... fatigue is the worst enemy of kidney stress, but i will not give in to aging or death as long as i do not have to... so it's off to play softball in a few...

have fun too :)

don't let it get you down again

those darn castles, aye?... and that alone feeling, sigh and alas and all... and gurgle... well, morning again and the kidneys reacted just the way they have over the years in this life, stones passing today, ouch and serves me right and all that karma-krap... and i have softball tonight... this body could seriously benefit from a day of serious rest... sleep in and eat right and exercise and yeah, it's still the same old story (what?... fall in love?... if wishes were horses i'd get on and ride?... cliche ho?... whatever, the setback is temporary and to be expected, though i could have gone a week or few before this bump, aye?)... so good morning...

off to work now, then softball, then what?... thw wing house with the team or home asleep?... we shall see how i feel tonight... and does it matter?... well, we shall see about that too... we are to believe that in spite of the extended silences, time will tell... or something like that... narf :}

so what happened?

i mean, why am i still awake when this was supposed to be my early to be night?... because i called att again and spent almost 4 hours on the phone repeating my contact information over and over to people who listened to me explain "the problem" over and over only to transfer me to yet another person who asked the same questions... and finally the corrupted file was removed, but the speed is not much different, fluctuating with traffic even as the tech support people tell me the area is well saturated...

of course before that i stayed at work until almos 7pm waiting for minnie to call cuz she lost her job a few weeks ago and has needs so i met her and her new guy and then i came home and ate and called att to pay them over $200 (what?... $240 a month?... how'd that happened?) and about the crappy internet (they gave m,e $30 off) and four hours later, after midnight, the att guy pulled the fire alarm and had to go because everyone had to evacuate his building...

yeah, that's what happened... and g'nite to you too...

maybe i should feel used

i figured something out tonight... every time i give more money away, i want to eat something decadent... it is partly a self-indulgence urge... and it is partly a ptsd effect lingering from my homeless days... see, there was leftover pizza in the fridge from a while back (was it actually from last wednesday?... wow, i didn't even realize how old it was... anyway, i ate it with other leftovers even though most of my mindset has been on healthier food this week... giving money away was the trigger to say fuck it, i'll eat what i want, who cares and all that self-indulgent rationalization of enjoying the rush of taste bud stimulation without concern for waistline or food content...

i keep telling myself i am helping people, kids in a tough spot, kids i adopted when they were littler kids, kids who depend on me... but i don't have a new laptop or new car or furniture or music system or plenty of other things i would have much fun with largely because i give away most of my extra money... i tell myself they appreciate it and it's not that they are taking advantage of me, but they have just had bad luck and... i tell myself i am a good person for giving, that it feels good to give, that someone will someday understand and appreciate me and give me the unconditional love i give to others... not to suggest giving money will bring me love, because i know the beatles were right, but giving unconditionally is not just about money... money is just the easiest thing to give because there are so many ready and willing to take it... ultimately, i do not think i am trying to buy anything and i'd like to buy myself a new laptop and fun stuff, but someone i care about eating and having a roof over their head is more important to me than my having yet another new toy...

so should i feel used?... maybe... i have no biological or legal obligations to anyone... i have no family obligations to anyone other than the emotional bonds i choose... so i help people get out into life... and i help people get through school... and i help people keep a roof over their heads and i buy people food... and maybe i am enabling or maybe i am being used, but i don't have to feel used...

but is my giving ways yet another reason i do not have a partner in this life?... now there's a whole 'nother path to ponder some other time... for now, i really must get a hold of the trigger, eating because i let myself feel used and lonely is such a foolish choice...

so whether i am foolish or not, foolish is as much a matter of perspective as not, and who would really come care to closer enough for long enough to really know for sure... from far away, the knowledge is thin, after all... and me, i fluctuate, naturally... so many i am just waiting for someone to care enough, to be here enough, to understand and appreciate and respect and love enough... or maybe i am just trying to buy value because i have no partner to reflect and reassure up close and personal today for a long long time...

what?... you expected maybe a decision?...

nite nite :}

what?... oh...

i must have fallen asleep...

well i woulda

yeah, see, if i did drive home before going out tonight i woulda written this entry about another long day at work where less was accomplished than shoulda cuz i didn't do quite as much of my own thing as i coulda, ya know, woulda shoulda coulds, cha cha ch - a...

instead, on impulse, i drove to buca de beppo to share dinner with some fun people because i like the fun people and even though i ordered a spinach salad, the dressing was probably more calories than a steak and i had some of the pasta the group ordered too... nobody wanted to share chicken marsala or somethingproteiny, but i had no bread, no butter, and drank water and i walked for almost an hour before heading into the restaurant (i didn't want to get sweaty), so that's a sign that i am a bit more serious than i've been about this weight dropping...

fun continued as we went to the enzian to see planet of the apes and it was a very good print of the original and the company was perfect for this film (one flew a paper airplane, another brought a stuffed monkey, giggles ensued)... and so even though it is late and i am blurry and wobbly and i've got to wake early tomorrow (and i must remember to stop at the bank for money for minnie), life is much fun...

i hope yours is much fun too :)

wakey wake

no relation to marky mark, but similar in diversity with added features and more, the world spins around and the mattress is off the floor and amazement swims in those bright green eyes... five-ish hours of sleep is enough to function, but not enough to be truly rested (i wonder if four hours would have been better... not according the the blood pressure and major organ functions which really do want eight or more... alas, life offers no time for that these days... rearrange life, yes, an option... so is being a shut in or homesless... i slept much more in the former and much less in the latter)...

so good morning world, i hope you make your day fun too :)

home again (diggidy?)

whatever it means, i found the aches from this morning fade away after eating lunch, which was a big pile of raw spinach, a few ounces of black beans and a few ounces of chick peas and four cherry tomatoes and five or six broccoli tops and later in the afternoon, some ice tea (with splenda)... crazy, but the protein drink i found (50 calories, 10 gm protein, 16 ounces) must have rebuilt the muscles that were aching like crazy this morning (omigosh, it's a miracle, i am still getting younger... no wonder i keep giggling)...

i got home from softball about three hours ago (we won, finally, 11-9... i struck out at least six... struck out the side one inning... they still hit well when they were not striking out... we hit well in the first inning scoring 6 (i made the last out with a runner on third, sucks to be me that inning... i drove in the last two runs though with a bases loaded two out single to right, so i made up for the first inning fart... and anyway, i find (getting home) a notice that the fire marshall is due for an inspection on wednesday, so i decided to do two loads of laundry while cleaning and rearranging boxes (sort of unpacking a little_ and wow, there's a lot more room in this place now... a few more hours after the movie tomorrow (yeah, tomorrow night it's a movie with friends) and the place might even look more like an apartment than a storage garage... amazing, huh?... who knows what might come next :)

i should probably sleep now... though craig fergie is on... what is most amazing is i didn't talk myself into eating something... not even a 120 calorie vegetable soup that called out my name when i put yesterday's shopping away... i still didn't have time to shop more today, which might suck because publix (supermarket) had a seriously decent sale on veggies yesterday,.. i'm so not frugal these days... just one more thing somebody can save me from myself about, cha know... i've become so human, aye?...

and yet, i still want you to know (even if i am not exactly sure why all the time)... hope you are enjoying your night :)

spin around

working an extra couple of hours because the kids need it and now stopping by to change before heading out to softball... surprises in the mail, if only there was more time, there's a huge backlog of inspiration for the babbler from new york to toronto to cali to oz to left field and... right back around to here...

time to go back out into the world now, hope you are enjoying life too :)

maybe it's just to prove i am alive

blogging, i mean... i started writing to talk to myself, to express myself, to figure out what i thought and felt about everything cuz if i could make sense of things in words, then things made more sense in my head... especially the abstract things like love and right and wrong and colors and flavors and the price of tea in china, or something like that... anyway, i am alive, i am here (who?)...

the body feels yesterday and while more sleep would be really nice, the good wobble and ache is an old friend, so yay and all that... off to work now, see you later - make it great :)

brains cells frying

the body is demanding sleep and shutting down major portions of the brain... this is an experience i have not felt quite this way before in this life and i've been much more fatigued than i am at the moment... blurry is the world right now...

still, i want you to know...

so from 7:40am when i woke through through just after noon i was at the competitive team softball practice and then i shopped for food and lunch and then at 1pm i headed to the other practice and pushed on through past 5pm when i rushed home, showered, redressed, and went to the game night for the academy awards and here i am, home again home again, and all that jazz... and now i will forgo the muses calling out for more writing time and placate the lonelies and hungers with the promise of the wonderful feeling of actually getting more sleep (probably not time to get enough tonight, alas)...

i'm just summarizing in case you wanted to know... take care and keep in touch :)

almost feeling the burn

what i mean is, i would be feeling the burn of muscles from exercise if i was not adept at turning off pain sensors when i focus my concentration on manipulating the neuro-synaptic flow of information from body to brain... i think that is one of the key steps in growing/getting old, forgetting how to do that... i am feeling some of the burn slip through though, which means i am crossing limits and must take great care with further physical challenges until sufficient rest can be obtained, which will hopefully be before i strain something... the bottom line is feeling alive is good, being alive is dangerous, and staying alive is more fun than anything else i've tried, so i shall endeavor to succeed at all three for a change...

meanwhile, i am just getting home from softball and i did not sit once since leaving the house except to drive... pushing the limits... and i stopped for food... light veggie soups and pasta and some protein drinks... lunch was a big green salad, two bananas, grapefruit juice, and a protein drink (which was the most calories of anything by far)... everything consumed today so far was under 1000 calories total and i definitely burned well over 3000, so the process of weight loss begins... you remember, i made a promise?...

yes you do...

meanwhile, i am still loving this song... now i must shower so i can head out to the oscar's (as in academy award themed) game night on time... and if you are reading here and still wondering why i blog, well, you are reading, right... thank you for that... and you never know who might want to know more about me while remaining somewhat incognito, so this gives you (or them) the opportunity... makes sense to me :)

make tonight wonderful :)

softball sunday 2-22

yeah, right (no really, yeah, right)... once upon a time i'd have stayed up all night and wrote my hopes and dreams and the creative muses would have flourished in synaptic bliss brought on by hormonal surges and emo roller coaster, but the muscles demand more sleep so i nodded off and now, repeating... eliminate the excess sugar, fat, and other carb calories... realign the routine with optimal healthy feelings... realign the spine with the forces of nature and the spirit/hope of sentient sensuosity...

a fair workout at the gym last night and now... wake, shower, run out to softball... and enjoy the active day out in the sunshine... may you make your day all it can be :)

because every moment holds meaning

why do it... why push the body to its limits and beyond instead of just enjoying the pleasures of life... because the body can experience pleasures more when it is in optimal alignment and condition and we do not have to settle for less... and why come to the web to write, to record the simple and complex details of day to day life... because every moment holds meaning and when alone, this is the only hope this moment ever has of being shared...

and a shared moment is an optimized experience, just as an optimized body can experience the shared moment all the more... so i do... and the gym body tells me how far back i've slid once again... age and gravity... and the moment is fixed at this crossroad... the past brings memories of unconditional love and trust and devotion, a treasure, perhaps life's greatest treasure, even in a memory... and tomorrow brings more challenge for the body, so sleep must come soon for optimal recovery and preparation... and tonight brought inspiration and the promise of hope, a treasure, and perhaps the only way to life's greatest treasure of all, for without hope, there is no unconditional love, trust, or devotion...

eliminate the excess sugar, fat, and other carb calories... realign the routine with optimal healthy feelings... realign the spine with the forces of nature and the spirit/hope of sentient sensuosity... and sleep...

the precarious balance

it means so much to so many, on the surface and at infinite depths, and here i am again... i should sleep s i have softball practice most of the day from 9am to 7pm tomorrow... i should head to the gym because i feel inspire and seem to have the energy and made a promise to myself tonight to change my habits and prove i am doing that by stepping on the scale on may first and being under 200 pounds... i am also inspired to write for several reasons... ego is flattered and my emo is touched by the attantion at facebook after finally saying hello to some people there... psyche is challenged and emo is inspired by the events and conversation and interactions of the evening... and today is the birthday of one of the most precious people with the most amazingly beautiful heart i've ever known...

so what do i do... gym.

happy birthday sandy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SANDY

afternoon crawl

the morning entry has much more detail... spent the day so far relaxing and browsing the net, especially trying to browse and add people at facebook, though the connection here is so slow the pages often will not load the first time (time out, connection broken) or it just takes forever for each page... att, that's ATT or AT&T for search engines, sucks... almost a hundred bucks a month for services slower than the slowest dial up i've ever had (and i started on bulletin boards, you remember 300 baud?)... i really must move out of this place and dump ATT when I do...

so anyway, i ought to have a lot of the people i see regularly added to my facebook some time this week depending on when they check their facebooks... exciting, aye?... yeah, ok, so it's time to shower and get ready for dinner... no, no cleaning or laundry, a few hours relaxing was better for the body given the schedule for the next fifty five or so hours... shoulda napped though, i'm sleepy... anyway, you know where the calendar is if you are interested enough...

and i will repeat myself again cuz i've got this song in my head these days and it's still just moving in to my psyche, and... it is so very cool when there is an actual magazine article about real world artist friend (scroll down to page 37) to share too (if you’ve been following along for a while, i took her to jc superstar over the summer) and you would love her and her work, so keep your eyes out for her and her work as the years pass and remember, you heard it here, even if it wasn’t first…

enjoy your night and make it special :)

g'morning sunshine

waking by friend's phone call instead of alarm is much better, at least today... i suppose it depends on the friend and what the friend want, obviously, cuz i am really hoping not to get too many more wake up i need money phone calls as this year has started with a plethora of them... enough to give the what about me? voice serious credibility, which is rare if you know me on the inside...

but this morning was a yay phone cal wake-up cuz the person is a ray of sunshine and we're going to meet later for a light dinner (healthy influences, maybe whole foods) and then check to see if i won a blingillion dollars ($164,000) cuz the grand prize drawing for a radio station wing place grand opening contest (wjjr and buffalo wild wings) is tonight and a girl from the radio station called to tell me i am a finalist... yeah, ha, probably with a thousand others, at least... but maybe i'll get a t-shirt...

and i know i've got this song in my head these days and it's still just moving in to my psyche, but it is so very cool when there is an actual magazine article about real world artist friend (scroll down to page 37) to share too (if you’ve been following along for a while, i took her to jc superstar over the summer) and you would love her and her work, so keep your eyes out for her and her work as the years pass and remember, you heard it here, even if it wasn’t first…

and then we (different friend, the one challenging me, though from afar, to run and be healthier) have a party to go to (so it's not a date, cuz i have no ambition to date and never really did after maybe once in high school... back to the long list of reasons i am alone?... well, the one i want to be with is different like me in this area as well, so there)... we'll meet for dinner and then check out the contest and then head to the party... i'm not sure who will be there (at the party), but i'll probably know some people as i usually do when going to private parties that are branching off from meetups these days and i am pretty sure this is one of those...

so i probably ought to nap a bit (clean and do laundry?... yes, that would be sensible as this place is way too cluttered and unkempt these days, but i do have softball from 9-11am with the serious team and then from 1-7pm with a couple of other teams tomorrow and then work and softball monday and i did stay up until dawn last night, so a nap would be the wisest thing to do... the alarm was originally set for 1:10pm, after all)... not moving in does make for more on-going clutter... six more months and i can move, three more months before i need to decide where... anyway, today and this weekend should be much fun...

are you gonna make today fun too?... i hope so :)

4am pizza

hey, it's either pizza or chocolate or karen carpenter singing need to be in love, so tonight it's pizza... of course this is self-defeating (or is it merely childish rebellion) as i am going to dinner (i think) and a party with a a person of good healthy influence tomorrow night... but the mountain dew with a squirt of pineapple is just so good (oh, the oral people understand, dontcha, even if you don't want to admit it)...

after all, no matter how much i am loving this month's favorite song, a sensuous child does not live by music alone... after all, i don't have a ping pong table or anyone to ping or pong even if i had a table... so pass the pizza and sing me a song piano man... or cute new singer.. and enjoy the night for all the wonders and excitements and sensual pleasures there can be...

how you doin? :)

life is a song

at the risk of repeating myself (risk?... what a silly saying), the song is on repeat in my brain (it happens now and then when a song catches my imagination... and it helps when there's a person or performance or visual or a video that inspires laughter or some other memorable emotion... the more affected the effect {or effected the affect}, the long it lasts and the longest lasting end up in my top hundred or higher of all time, which i'll tell you about one day if you are into music, want to know me, and are too lazy to find it in my web world yourself, nyuk, nyuk), so you might as well get used to it cuz it's playing all around me for the moment...

meanwhile, life goes on... how's yours? :)

morning rush

sort of... i skipped the shower to check some mail and stuff after the deepest (and longest) sleep in weeks, many weeks, at least... wonderful feeling, getting about halfway to that wonderful awakeness i know as conscious awareness when this body is fully rested... if only this was a day off, i'd have sleeped the deepest longest sleep and maybe even caught up... it's been so long since i caught up... maybe tomorrow...

for now, it's off to work i go...

actually sleeping

yes, i was actually sleeping at this moment when this moment was this moment, but still it was a bent evening as the call came that the game was rained out just as i was getting out the door (after dressing and putting all the gear on and all that), which saved me a drive, but still was frustrating because it means this season is going to extend into the work softball league season which means i'll have to miss a game or more of one or the other league... it rains more on thursdays than on any other day of the week...

so i took off all the softball stuff and sat back and nodded off and woke somewhere around this time (this moment, when this moment was this moment, ya know) evening to head to bed... wish you were here, or somebody was, cuz nurturing would have been wonderful at this moment when this moment was this moment...

nite nite :)

just enjoy the show

sometimes a song and a visual personality catches my attention and i find myself bouncing or bopping to the rhythm and feeling the melody and hearing the words singing in my head and seeing the smiling and laughing the giggling and feeling the comfort inside and outside and that, my friends, is love... so i am in love again, naturally... you would be too, if you were me... and if you are too, then maybe you are (close enough to play in the secret garden with me)...

who needs (e)thereal when there's love :)

make it so! :)

more sleep please

but of course the answer is no because there is just too much to do, too much fun to be shared, too many people to play with, and most of all, too little time in the search for the one, the partner, the constant companion, the friend...

no rest for the hopelessly hopeful romantic...

good morning :)

hope your life is as much fun too :)

work, play... that's life

yup... woke in a rush and headed to work after a quick hello (cuz i love you, even more than the mouseketeers) and then, straight from work to the game night at harold's downtown and then, here we are, already midnight, life is work, life is play, life is fun, all that's missing is the cuddling...

so how was your day? :)

good morning i love you

no time for self-indulgent self-mockery or irreverent teasing, just a moment to slip these words out on the web to let you know i love you and think about you and hope your day is wonderful... make it so :)

mon-daze

somehow there's no life on the monday softball team and i am as dead as everybody else... i don't warm up, i'm stiff and sloppy, and everything i do shows... so i grounded into a double play and was safe on an error on my two at bats and then my pitching was weak... i only walked two, but i was off the plate a lot and could not find corners... and i made two errors... the team we played hit well and we made at least two dozen errors total so the loss was huge and that's mon-daze...

too much softball on sundays and not enough sleep on sunday nights and no food all day monday and bleary eyed at the computer all day and then, worst of all, 830pm games on the sandbox field with the low lights that blind us... yup, that's why...

the other team will have to come up with their own excuses :}

where's my comforter :)

monday blurs

i definitely need to get more sleep on sunday nights cuz i play softball all day sunday and am stiff and sleepy and blurry come monday after work... and i sit here nodding off with the alarm set to wake me to head out to softball in a bit... late games on mondays are blurry... where's my cheerleader?... and a massage would be nice too :}

the 400

yes, slept an extra 400 seconds, or maybe even 800 seconds, so now it is rush out the door time... the morning is sunny and shiney and the weekend is over and i wish you a wonderful workweek...

and lots of love and smiles :)

night calls again

not phone calls, alas, for i know of no one to spend the night with these days, no nocturnal friends who would encourage me to sleep because it is my best interest, but rather the call of the night that draws me into babble mode, the writing muse, the addiction to expressing whatever is going on in words, the hunger for sharing...

yeah, but still, i do not write nearly as much as i would like... for social life and activities consume the vast majority of my awake and not-working time... which is good, i suppose, for the pipe dream of someone finding these cyber messages has about as much probability of happening as someone finding an actual message in a bottle tossed into the oceans... no less the right person... but i'll still hope for the fairy tale, even as i live in thereal and share in the physical world more and more...

i hope you are enjoying your night, whatever you may be doing :)

softball sunday

wonderful exhaustion, almost... good exhaustion, yes, definitely good... softball from 2pm to about 7pm and then wing house for dinner and the reminder that there is still a living breathing libido in my head and then, home to rest and shower (in a minute or few, first a bit more rest)... phew, muscles ache good :)

hope you enjoyed your day too :)

another night, sorta

nodding off in the chair most of the night until somewhere after daylight i found my way into bed and now, awake and heading out for softball in spite of a 60% chance for rain... maybe i'll wear cheap sneakers today instead of the cleats...

yesterday was oddly fun... missed the sushi lunch because i could not find the place (and it's a popular place that people mention all the time, but i've never been and seemed to block as i am told i drive around it... it's in a crowded outdoor mall and traffic was insane, so even four times around the loops didn't give me time to look hard enough)... a half hour past the lunch time i gave up and headed to find a costume for the night...

the mystery dinner was interesting, fun, but could have been more fun with more clever writing as many of us had minimal parts... i had hardly anything to do and i was supposed to be a huge part... i won richest and best costume awards for the evening, though i did not figure out who did it (i was focused on my part, which which was written to be oblivious to the goings on around me except to chase skirts)...

we ended early, as the previous entry noted, and then i sat here nodding off and we're back to the first paragraph of this entry... real time in thereal, ya know... so off to softball now and hope you have a fun weekend too :)

early night

relatively speaking... game nights rarely end before midnight and often extend well beyond midnight at a late night location, but tonight the murder mystery game was set for three hours and it took about that long and since it started around 6pm, we were done shortly after 9pm... then most of the people left and a few of us talked an hour or so and poof, here i am, alone again naturally...

so i'll go write some more... waiting for the nocturnal partner, the all night friend... of course a libido-shaped lover would be nice too, but only until the deeper partner came along... all in one person?... oh dream on mergatroid (and i shall)...

how you doin? :)

gotta run (as in walk fast)

i gave my writing time to a friend this morning so i must skeedaddle out to lunch now and then, find a wizard robe and then, pick up another friend and head to the mystery dinner party as merlin (shhhh, if you read this and are going to the party, don't tell anybody, not even yourself, ok? :)

make today wonderful - just cuz you can :)

yeah, still awake

it's not late, after all... at least not for me, though i have been going to sleep earlier and earlier as these years of working day shift with an 8am meeting to get to every day has been taking it's tool on the nocturnal rhythms... i am enjoying herring in sour cream and onions as a midnight snack... i know, high fat, saturrated no less, and cholesterol, and sodium... my blood pressure is probably a zillion over a half zillion, at least... but that's ok, i'm not too worried until it gets up to a gazillion over a zillion, then it could be trouble... a heart attack waiting to happen... but i'll probably stroke first... then live another sixty years as a vegetable in a state institution... end my days being a burden on the taxpayers... that'll serve em right... or me, that'll serve me right... sigh and all...

and here i've got sushi lunch and big dinner pparty plans for tomorrow, aye... so me and craig ferguson will burn the after midnight oil (and fish oil, while we're at it) with whomever he has on because there is absolutely no reason to have a tv unless you've tgot cable and even then, it's extremely hit and miss... actually, craig is strange enough to amuse me... maybe it's been the full moon this week... whatever it is... serious bloat tonight... should have just gone to bed when i got home... wonder when this ridiculously extreme self-indulgence is gonna wane so i can return to the other great feeling of really taking care of this body...

maybe i ought to go back to singing lonely songs...

ah, for someone to laugh with :)

to rest or not to

the oven was beeping when i woke from my momentary nod and i should have just turned it off and fell over for a while, but instead i consumed twice more than i needed, at least, and so i experience the bloat again and now i am awake watching two petite bodies (and the shows they are built around) tv... sarah conner chronicles and the new one, dollhouse, it looks like charlie's angels with a lolita twist and new millennium mind-fuck... just what the male ego loves to see... not sure why girls watch, i don't recall being a girl... anyway, once again i could have made the decision to rest and instead, i ate... more chocolate please, granma...

every day, every night, every moment... i'm keeping my promise, i'm trying to share, so you will always know i was here... so you can still know i am here...

enjoy your weekend :)

pausing for contact

or really for the hope of contact... being here for the minute or two it takes to type these words to say hello to let you know i am still here and i still care and want to share and live the dream of falling in love and being together forever and ever in love that never fails just like in fairy tales... or something like that...

friends, roaming ones, all the rest, lend me a moment of contact to prove we are here, alive, and still caring after all these years... crazy?... perhaps, but then, i'd be no other way... shutting down and ignoring the desire to share leads to all sorts of sicknesses that i do not want for myself or for you... so here is the offer, the chance to share, the opportunity to feel the hunger and know you are not alone...

the past week remains as i scratched the surface of the self-imposed isolation and the reason i return day after day, time after time... if you want to feel (as harry sang), you will... if you want to know, you will... and if you want to share, you will... it is your choice, to care or not to care, and so on... to live or to die... i hope you decide to live :)

the real?

well, as much as this is the daily record of the daily events of the daily life as i live it, there is also some deeper ponderings popping up now and then and while those sort of introspective self-analysis type of ponderings would usually appear behind the candoor (and before then, candora or on downbeats, the lands of the mostly dead, just like when there wasn't time to go behind the candoor and the deeper inverted (or is that introverted?... can one be an introverted exhibitionist?... i suppose youtube is full of them, and tv, for that matter… maybe we’ve discovered the definition of celebrity… anyway… what were we saying?) thinking appeared in RealTime™ when there wasn’t time to go behind the candoor (was the repetition planned for emphasis?... oh, would that be telling, not to be confused with the telling, or the telling that sang guardian angel and other beautiful ethereal songs... but there are so many others), so even here amidst (e)thereal, beware the emo!...

yes, ok, i confess, i am emo in (e)thereal world…

and we wonder why i am still alone in this world, aye?... but the fact is that most of these entries are not out there in front long enough to be noticed or read unless you are checking in here several times a day or simply keep (e)thereal open in a tab in your browser all the time and refresh several times a day (and if you did that, oh, the places we could go... from seuss to noose and 'round again as the previous entry and those before, especially this week, expose the emotion {and touch on history} all the more... it is our experience, all we've ever been, done, or known, that brings us to who and where we are today, after all... the choice is acknowledging and embracing it all {and our self} or ignoring and losing it and pieces of self... i'll continue to strive for keeping in touch with all and therein keeping myself whole... because i care because caring is better than the alternatives... and trying to share because sharing is the best i can do in and with this life and you... which is why i am here)…

and we wonder why i am still alone in this world, aye?... yeah, so anyway, i would stay awake, just to watch you breathing cuz i really don’t want to miss a thing… who else loves that way?... that much?... that constantly?... that completely?... that ad infinitum?... 42?...

yeah, even the babble is (e)thereal from time to time because i am nocturnal… no matter how much i resist… and i want to love all night long (everybody, but you know, all i ever needed was the one)…

be beautiful tonight :)

work and play

ridiculousness was the dish served up at the department director's meeting today as i announced the deadlines that the administrative assistant wanted and nobody spoke up to say they were impossible (which they are, which is why no one has gotten their work in on time in years)... the ceo doesn't seem to know the process and he lets his admin assistant call the shots and i've been ignoring her for the year and a half i've been in the position, but he finally told me to follow her deadlines so i passed it along to the rest of the directors... we shall see if the follow through is any better this month than in the past few dozen months...

i did finally get my shelf built after asking for it for over a year... when the ceo told me to straighten up my office i asked him if he'd expedite the things i requested so that i could organize the office better and he finally stopped telling the maintenance people not to do it (doh, huh?)... so much undermining going on, it's amazing, but it allows me to wait until i am given a direct instruction to do something and then the obstacle that has been preventing me from doing it can be removed... inch by inch, we might have an organization yet...

meanwhile, after work, we won 18-1, so the thursday team is 2-0 (we could have scored another half dozen runs, at least, and the last inning we got a little sloppy and gave up a run after we switched me out from pitcher to second base to let the other pitcher pitch)... and dinner afterwards at the wing house and here we are... so how was your day? (if you remember when you get here... i mean, just look at all the sharings we missed, sigh, so much to catch up on... well,it'll all be here when you get here... hopefully i will too, aye? :)

have fun out there :)

why am i alone?

the simple answer is... sharing takes two...

why do i undermine my chances for sharing with someone who might be attractive to me?... partly because i have not been attracted to anyone enough to feel motivated to want to be more attractive... partly because i've gotten lazy and apathetic and ambivalent, even about my fondest dreams... partly because i am tired of being used and everybody i've ever let close to me except for one person has used or abused/betrayed me... so i enjoy the moments and casual fun and games and relatively superficial social interactions and ignore most of the desires and impulses for depth and intimacy and deeper trust....

i don't know what exactly might happen if i found someone physically irresistible and there was any reciprocal interest... some part of me wonders if i would just ignore the opportunity… and most of me believes i’d simply snap out of the habit of staying a happy kid enjoying surface sharing and challenge myself to break the habit of settling for the hormonal rushes that foods bring…

it could be that i the betrayals and usery has me so passive about intimacy that it’ll take someone not only attractive to me, but also consistent close daily sharing over time, like a roommate or close neighbor… but that could just be rationalizing not finding anyone physically irresistible to me… i’ve always had a rather narrow libido image and as far as personality and the mind/ethereal goes, i’ve come to doubt anyone will truly match me…

so my defense is simply being me, the kid who enjoys myself playing and living in the moment enough to ignore the loneliness as long as no one inspires me to want to be more intimate… and walls may simply be my openness about my history of betrayals and abuses... or something like that…

i may be complicating everything… what’s your excuse? :)

waking thoughts

a few thoughts came to mind as i woke and i decided to share them with you...

i write for many reasons, like when i feel lonely or bored... but most of all, as i will repeat again and have no doubt, for the mental play, the mind games, and the hope for sharing... in the end, that does not completely satisfy me because lonely, for me, is caused by a desire to share - and not just to share an solitary intellectual/emotional stimulation that comes from experiencing someone else's mind by myself (through reading or film or tv or observing anything), which is why i write, because at least i am exploring me and letting me out with the hope of sharing... am i repeating myself yet?... yes, well, even that is not enough and to be happy i must distract myself from the desire to share, supplicate it with imaginary sharing that comes from an activity like writing, reading, audio-visual arts, sports, or just observing...

this thought came about from a waking thought - a realization that one way i remain alone is by indulging in food stimulus and allow this body to remain 30ish pounds overweight... i love the oral stimulation, however i am repulsed by fat flabby skin, so the site and feel represses the sensual urges... and i sometimes think that i may still do this, at least in part, because i am still haunted by betrayal (the betrayal of intimacy and unconditional trust that i have experienced up close and personal throughout this life from the very beginning) and i may be not sure i want to trust anyone personally, one on one, eye to eye, hand in hand - or closer intimacy...

at least at this moment...

that would really suck because i really am a hopelessly hopeful romantic who believes in love and lives to share a partnership, an intimacy, the full experience of personal sharing everything (or as close to everything as possible) with another human, a partner, a lover, and most of all - a best friend... unconditional trust is the best feeling and experience and gift i've ever known and my current mindset undermines my chances and ultimately - prevents me from finding it...

to dream the impossible dream...

but that is what i do...

did?
am i re-defining me?

whatever, we were rambling on about something so let's get back to it... repeating the same loop, repeating the same assessment (what?... this?... that might really suck if we knew what i meant) is somewhat amusing to me in my mind (too much so, i imagine), but probably feels more like crap somewhere deeper, which leads me to food or laziness or some other suicidal tendency (drugs, alcohol, television?... used to play with all three and more, but not in recent years) that comes from giving the poor-me pathetic "nobody cares" child (who does have good reason to believe it) the power to throw a pity-party (wanna come?), even if it's so brief that it does not appear to be depression or anything serious (especially in our culture where pigging out on fatty greasy sugar-filled foods is a way of life), but then, who would notice (don't all step up and be counted at once now, nyuk, nyuk, narf)...

for me, this is not exactly a revelation, it is an acknowledgment... i am not sure what reading this is to you, but it would be good if someone might understand, even if you might not want to acknowledge that you do to me, or to yourself, even...

yeah, i know...

so anyway, i hope my pondering this as i wake helps me move a little further out of the loop i've been in and out of for the last however many years (long time to be haunted, long time to deny my deepest desires by keeping them in solitary activities, long time to be a spoiled or ambivalent child content with whatever, aye?)... hopefully you found some worth in the reading too...

i hope you make today better than yesterday, in fact, make it especially wonderful :)

there's often a crash

usually a day or two after i do something extravagant or really exciting or intense or amazing or whatever there's a dip in the stick, that is, a slight depression in the moodifiers... so i stuff my face with pizza and chocolate and pass out from a sugar induced coma, or something like that...

when i wake up with a hangover, i'll regret it and laugh at myself, cuz i'm human, and that's how i roll...

narf...

feeling lighter

at least the wallet is... meanwhile, feeling tired... must be waking in a deeper stage of sleep... and a flood of carbs last night after a few days of minimal carnbs doesn't help... and probably somewhat emotionally drained as well... i feel especially alone (and lonely) in this world when i give a whole lot away... giving is wonderfuly, but i miss sharing... when will the right one come along, anyway... anyway, must wake up, big day today...

so what is up (or down) in your world? :)

actually, what happened was...

raspy hasn't been working since he got back from the ukraine last october and for my wallet it's kind of remained halloween... and a few hours ago it got sadly ridiculous... precious showed up crying cuz... she hasn't paid her two credit cards since october or november and both were being charged at least $70 a month late and over the limit fees... last week she got a ticket for not re-registering her car which was due in december... and last night she was stopped again and got five tickets, no registration, tail lights, no insurance, no seat belt, and not changing her address on her license (since last august)... and then there's school projects she's skipping (which means failing) because she doesn't have the money for the supplies needed, or books, for that matter... and she never did get the wheels aligned so the new tires i bought her won't last as long as they could... what a day to go for a pap smear, aye?... maybe i shouldn't have talked her into going back this semester when she was considering taking the semester off, but who'd have thought rasputin would abandon her like this... i can understand enjoying time off and livinmg on unemployment insurance, but when you've comitted to putting your kid through college, it's kind of bad timing... so anyway, a bit more than $1000 later, her credit cards are under their limits and she has money for the tickets, car, school, food, and so on...

these moments feel lonelier than most others... yeah, that's life... tomorrow i've got to call minnie who just lost her job and needs help feeding the kid and paying rent and all the other life expenses... this is not starting out as a very good year financially, is it?... well, luckily i love giving, but it's getting out of hand... must take inventory soon... and re-read this entry a few times to remember that i really must learn how to set limits... are we laughing at me?... sheesh, and all :}

emergencies follow me

i have never known biological family... so perhaps that is why i always look for someone who might want to be my family... adoption is the only family i know and anyone can be adopted so anyone can be family... it's given me a much more real "family of man" perspective than the average biologically connected human...

i am not sure if that has anything to do with my habit of attracting emergencies... costly emergencies, no less... and it is almost always just when i am about to almost talk myself into actually considering spending a lot on a large purchase, like a computer or even down payment on a new car (what?... a house?... well, it was once and it could have been again, sigh and all, shhhh, it's not giggle time unless you're here with me, or understand well, or something like that)...

yeah, so poor planning and bad luck and mix in some irresponsibility and blink, there i am coughing up enough to buy a netbook and a laptop tonight... yeah, family in trouble, and after a brief, but agonizing moment of "what about me" (and the poor-me drama scene), my savings to the rescue... and then, alone, reality sets in and i face the fact that it feels wonderful even though the fact that i could have had the toys i've been eyeing for years feels kinda sad... wonderful trumps sad though, so all is good... tomorrow i must call my other adopted daughter and find out how much she needs... and then, i'm gonna run away where nobody can find me until i save up and buy a toy for me... yeah, that's the ticket...

so what waggles your noodle today? :)

staying positive

that's the name of the game, the reason i live, the story of me, the best i can give for me the answer to the question is simply staying positive... and so another good morning to you world, and you occasional visitor, and you too...

a sleepy morning in this body, the right achilles tendon is sore, the bloat remains, the fog remains, surely sleep would cure most of what ails the body, but there is so many things to do, so much to enjoy... there'll be plenty of time to sleep (and to be alone) after this body dies... so i continue in my quests, continue enjoying the living, the giving, the sharing, the hoping, the dreaming, the wanting, and the caring...

whether you understand or not, whether you feel all the emo you are capable of feeling or you choose to control, repress, and/or remain cool and aloof... whether you isolate yourself from intimacy and the hungers of the flesh and psyche or you immerse yourself in desires so much you dare to need... anyway you want it, that's the way you get it, and i hope you want it positive no matter what you chose to do or be...

have fun out there today... as will i :)

and i'll keep dreaming

(if dreaming will make you mine?)... well, there's a song in every though and a rhyme in every line, but my initial thought was not related to that song as much as a more general dreaming via these words i put out here like tiny messages in bottles that float out on the cyber seas in the hope that someone will find them and (here comes the real dream) be my perfect match... yeah, that's (e)therealest aspect of (e)thereal of all...

and if that makes sense, then you understand... and if it doesn't, then you don't... and maybe that separates the dreamers from the non-dreamers, or the fools from the wise, or the children from the grown-ups, or the quixotics from the pragmatists, or the fantasies from the realities, or whomever from whatever, but there's one thing for sure, i understand...

i'm right here waiting, yeah...

meanwhile, back in (e)thereal, i played like crap tonight, but then, so did the rest of the team... there were errors everywhere and i made one too... we lost big, though i walked none... fatigue blurred my vision and i moved in slow motion and unfortunately, the team we played against could hit anything everywhere (i never saw so many sliced pop-ups fall fair)... so the monday team is 0-1-1... and me, frustrated by my fatigue and poor play, i wandered down to the gym for thirty minutes on the elliptical machine... 9:55 for the first minute, 12:00 for the second, level five total body beginner level... i'm still burning frustration energy (and if you know me, it's not about the game as much as a touch of awakening consciousness, though that's another much deeper story - and those who understand know the story is much more than the words, the true depths are found between the lines, which is why we write, cha know), but i must discipline myself to get some sleep so the muscles recoop...

i hope you stay true to your dreams and trust yourself to do what you need to do to reach them... and may you be happy in your choices :)

in the pause

and because the dream of sharing (hopelessly hopeful romantic that i am) never ends and barely pauses and never forgets (like horton) and requires commitment and actions, i continue this habit of reaching for the keyboard in the few moments while dinner is cooking or while drying after a shower or while just sitting between activities for a few moments, as i just returned from work and have a bit of time before heading out form softball...

if you do not understand, that's ok, it is a certain form of madness to be so dedicated to a dream, quixotic suspense, perplexing or laughable, folish or noble, it all depends on your perspective... from my perspective, with no better dream to dream and no better way to maintain the readiness (and nothing much better to do in these few moments), i continue to stop by here to remind myself and anyone who cares that i care and want to share (and know how) and i feel how precious the momenta are, in the pause...

may you feel your moments pass and fill them with something you love :)

clearing the blur

i woke just after 2am to empty the bladder and drink some more water and then again just a few moments ago and for the first few minutes i sat here blinking away the morning blur...

now that my eyes can focus again, it looks like a beautiful morning... i considered leaving a brief note here at 2am, but did not want to wake up that much, i mean, even though i do want to keep in touch as much as possible (which is why i keep coming back to leave these brief snips of the life and times of me as i experience the life and times of me)...

i signed up for hulu last night (here's the wiki story), though i didn't actual download or view or do anything there yet... at my aircard speed, it may not be an easy site to use without a whole lot of patience and time, the latter being in short commodity these days, which shortens the former... but it does seem like an interesting concept, watch your favorite tv shows when you want to watch them... one day, perhaps i'll find the time... and someone to watch with (cuz tv is more fun for me when there is someone to watch with)... meanwhile, my name was already taken, so i did the usual and used candoor...

i hope you enjoyed your night and make today a big smile :)

sprint to sleep

yes, well, shocking as it may seem, all that sprinting and protein has inspired me to actually go to sleep, like, now... amazing, no doubt, given the time and the fact that i've already nodded off in this chair... so curl up or lay flat and cuddle with someone comfortable if you can (and want to) and see you in the morning...

nite nite :)

sprinting around the bases

good thing i got some sleep as there was a more serious than usual softball practice that ended in sprints... first to first, then home to second, then home to third, then home around back to home, and finally second to home... a couple of the guys did not finish, which is sad, since they are mostly in their twenties... only one caught me and that was as i slowed up to cross home plate, which i'll remind them about next practice to hopefully motivate them to try harder since they all agreed they wanted to play in the competitive division and not in the recreational division...

after the sunday team practice, i headed over to the monday-thursday league practice and definitely was feeling the sprints in the leg and ab muscles... so on the way home i bought protein and ate only protein (mostly... i stopped at boston market and got just chicken and meatloaf, no sides... the legs feel better already... i figure the meatloaf has enough carbs and both have enough fat to be balanced... i'll take vitamins for the missing essentials... i hear my newly turned vegan friend in my mind . . . or is that conscience?... still, i must trust this body to tell me what is best at this point)... and drinking only water after a cup of grapefruit juice... now if i just cut out the extra carbs i've been indulging in since last halloween or so (and the game nights, oh those decadent game nights)...

the sprints tell me it is time to drop the belly and so, for this moment, i am telling myself to stop the madness and focus on scales and that old faithful number 180 (since i did not drop below it last time i decided to actually take optimal weight and conditioning seriously)... we shall see if today is another moment of change... ah, if only i lived with a cheerleader... i respond very well to cheerleaders... sometimes :)

the thing about sleep is...

catching up requires an amount of time proportionate to the the time spent in sleep deprivation... there are those who say you cannot catch up on sleep, but for the body i inhabit, thatis not true... i have caught up on sleep in this body/mind, however the premise, let's call is the law of sleep catching up, catching up requires an amount of time proportionate to the the time spent in sleep deprivation holds true... unfortunately, for me, it would take a week or so at this point, roughly calculated, to actually catch up on sleep... one weekend leaves me a bit light headed and groggy...

still, even when the reserves are low for me, there's still much bouncing going on... and now, it is time to take the body to the batting cages and practice... have fun out there :)

mr. popular

well, i nodded off and enjoyed a nap while the laundry spun and the tv droned and the world spun around... i think i left the phone in the car and i ought to wander down to it, but on the other hand i sometimes go a whole weekend without a message, but then, i usually get a text message from from someone about softball, so i will motivate myself to stand up... unless i fall back to sleep and then, well, there's the morning (oh how wonderfully lazy i am being today... so restful, absolute self-indulgent rest... this is so rare in the past year and a half that it is a very special treat)...

meanwhile, meagan said hey... a friendster comment... i have not been at friendster in years, but meagan said hey... i have no idea who meagan is, but she appears to want attention for her cleavage, breasts, and body (based on her profile photos)... i've got a feeling the hey was spam from friendster cuz meagan is a newbie there and my profile is relatively blank and inactive for years, so i have no idea why anyone would say hey... but hey, i'm mr. popular anyway (ah, the title makes sense now, aye? :)

apparently i have a friendster account and profile i forgot creating a while back... i mean, i get comments and friend requests and (positive comments all the time at myspace, but i have a lot of info there... the surprise was due to the fact that i am never at friendster and there's nothing on my profile or account to introduce me at all... so meagan joined a couple of weeks ago and said hey to a blank profile... obviously i must have amazing ethereal powers of attraction... and surely sarcasm and self-mockery will follow me all the days of my web life... hope you are enjoying your saturday too :)

staying home

yeah, so far i haven't decided to go out anywhere, even though i would probably enjoy the concert... i just so rarely spend a day relaxing at home, i feel kind of selfishly decadent... the eggplant parm and chocolates might have helped too... and laundry is getting done... and much writing, with a little help from my friends too... yes, introductory letters have begun happening again... who's rolling eyes?... what?... you haven't read my intros from long ago when darkness filled my universe?... oh, well, you might learn something quite depressing i suppose, though i really don't remember what i wrote... i trust it was about me though, being introductory letters and such... and more seriously, i trust that is is still accurate, mostly, if not completely...

i change all the time, but the core, it's been pretty stable and constant since i first experienced an awareness of my own consciousness... what?... you aren't aware of my own consciousness?... how about yours? :)

i hope your day is fun :)

waking sleepy

the phone woke me, i think, but i'm considering head back to bed and yet, being awake, i can get some home stuff done like laundry and cleaning and all that sort of fun stuff... and of course, i could eat some eggplant parm, which i bought last night on the way home... and then, i might babble on a bit cuz it's been too long and you know what happens when i don't babble, all sorts of madness and dysfunction...

the wonder of living alone under the influence of humanity, aye?...

have fun today :)

cruising the darkness

yeah, the previous entry says it all, or nothing, depending on perspective and understanding, which means i am still awake and riding the wave of hunger energy, with a little help from eggplant parm and some coffee drinks cuz the mind just will not give another night away to sleep without reaching out as best as it gets these days... because the caring never ends, the love never sleeps, the sharing only rests when the promises can keep us holding on to each others, gently riding through the night, cruising the darkness, living together, being comfort honest comfort and in sleep's sweet embrace come the morning light...

i mean, it could have been but we all have our excuses for putting off the sharing, for sleeping alone and taking no risks... and i almost cried just thinking about it tonight and if the right song played, i'd have curled up and died in your arms, or mine, in your absence... there isn't much else to say, with buddha out in front and nowhere to go, just cruising the darness on the net with myself and dreams is the best part of the night for it is the most real...

in the magic moments of what was and will be between the bloat and laziness and self-indulgences of today (that you may be too well aware of and even fear if you doubt your own will power and will not trust mine), but i've known the passion and the promise and kept every word even when i seemed to dissolve in the ethers of forget and regret, not yet have i lost it all, in spite of giving it all away many times... it is an understanding so clear it cuts through the facade of human pretense to expose the naked stumbling through insecurity and self-defenses that so many enlightened wanderers strive for and so few ever actualize... a space, a place, a being, an experience of peace and awareness most call an impossible dream, nirvana, val halla, untopia, and so on...

and what keeps us from the hugs, not wanting to be held for a while, not wanting to hold another, fearing or what - rhetorical questions go unanswered all the time, but then, that is what makes them rhetorical... what if someone actually answered, oh me, oh my, what fun might be found in the moment of then... and now, may you find amusement elsewhere, for you are not here... and if you were, or are, and then, you can still choose to share...

call or write and if you dare believe i am in here, you will find me waiting there...

strange life times

and if you are interested and do not let me know, what's the point of being interested... if you are afraid we might die tomorrow, why wait to jump into serious sharing?... and if you care and don't ask to know me, do you really care?... and if our conversations never happen, what was the point of smiling in the first place... and if it is my projection of awareness of carelessness with life that keeps the living aware away, then so be it... one who cares enough will find a way to me... so no one is interested today...

oh, you know what i mean, whatever it is...

still, i wander out somewhere most every night, almost, even though i am not planning as much on my calendar as i did for a while last year... but no one initiates the step closer... age, belly, whatever - the brakes come on fast are a few personal details are shared, usually age... everybody's so afraid of dying, no one seems to have the guts to live...

worked until past seven thirty today (after going in before seven on the am side of the dial) even though there was a game night starting at seven (on the pm side of the time keeping mechanism) and so substantial work got done and the evening was fun as well and after the regular game night, four of us drove over to a late night afyer-game game night and more fun was had, even as everyone was falling asleep...

where are the nocturnal people, anyway?...

out at home or something, having fun and so on... most probably oblivious to my existence as i am relatively unaware of theirs, except in my dreams, so keep the faith and hope alive and bring your best to every moment for you never know when someone might come along who might be interested enough to let youn know... and oh the places we may go then...

make it fun :)

hardly any sleep

and yet, the four hours is a full cycle and i am awake, sort of, even though the body would like to sleep another four, or eight, and the brain would like snother cycle or few, there's a clearing in the fog every four hours or so, a resurfacing from the rem depths, and so, here we are... a bit of a bloat from delicious cheese filled tort pasta with a cheesy sun dried tomato alfredo sauce and m^ms and grapefruit juice... feeling a big smile shining through blurry eyes... time for a shower and the start of another day...

it's 34 degrees, 1 degree celsius... wishing you a nice warm cozy hug and a beautiful day :)

every day again

just to keep in touch, i'm here again, hoping you care, hoping you are out there, or will be someday... cuz the day feels better when i wake up and say hello and the night feels better when i share something before i go to sleep... just wishing you well, hoping you enjoyed your day and rest easy tonight...

the day at work was complicated and we fall a bit further behind because the administrative assistant who does half of my data entry took off, which she hardly ever does... the after work went much better... we won our first game of the season 11-1... sharing, that's what it's all about... so how was your day?...

it's a commitment to keeping in touch... i'm just starting on my own :)

in the alloted time

alas, i am not allotting enough time for babbling behind the candoor or in RealTime™ these days, however there are a dozen or so entries almost ready for uploading when i do find enough time to format and upload, so just in case you are reading here to kit and miss the babbling there and elsewhere, the words still flow, in case you want to know…

four hours sleep and a hurry out the door for this morning, so i wish you a wonderful day and that’s all i’m gonna say…

see ya real soon :)

night continues

and i was still awake... and i am still awake... and the snacks continue to pour into the mouth... cuz i am so hungry for stimulus... so hungry for sensuality... so hungry for feeling... and the sugar and the tastes fire synapses and trigger hormones and satisfy the hunger for a little while... i'd rather be hugging, cuddling, kissing, touching, holding and feeling someone next to me... i'd rather the hormones come from love, from caring, from sharing... but alone, i remain hungry for more...

especially as the night continues... and i am still awake...

once again, should be sleeping

from the beginning (beginning?) through all the journaldiaryblogs (journaldiaryblogs?), the theme that remains most constant is the original title, i should be sleeping (or something like that)... but there always seems to be something (as rosanne rosannadanna used to say, it's always something, ya know?), some sort of excitement that keeps me awake... and tonight, it's the cold... i mean, it's so very rare that the temperature drops below freezing and tonight it's supposed to be below 30 degrees (Fahrenheit) which is just one more of life's little experiences that are exciting enough to keep me awake... and softball tomorrow night, brrrrrr, gonna be layered, but loving the change for it's uniqueness... one or a few nights a year is quite enough though... when the tropical heat returns i'll love it all the more :)

but it sure would be a nice night to cuddle up with someone :}

one a day

if that's what entries were to be, one a day, then this entry would be the first entry of the second year of this blog, unless it's a leap year, which would mean this is the last entry of a year, so happy new year, either way... of course this blog does not follow the one a day plan (maybe that's the reason nobody notices, maybe this blog needs vitamins... vitavegavitamines?... well, you decide (or perhaps you have almost a year ago, even)...

i'll just remain amused until you get here cuz with or without you, i find amusement in most everything... though idiot priests who try to re-write history are only marginally amusing and only in the right mood... 369-3084, trivia, just for the sake of interruption.. shhhhh, don't tell anybody that it was on the wreath at krusty's fake funeral... but forget it, we wouldn't want to enbiggin your mind, right?...

meanwhile, in (e)thereal world, where we are always sharing... another day at work getting more done than is humanly possible... another evening home eating more than will fit in the belly... and new to the anothers, another vacant staring at the misguided wisdoms of commercial prime time network television... i wonder how many people are still alive who were alive when ther was no television (i know, hard to believe)...

so how was your day (imaginary or real?)... hope you made it beautiful :)

another few moments

again, good morning... and i spend a few moments to wish you a wonderful day because i care about you, or at least i want to care about you, if you'd let me... and i want to keep in touch, so, a few moments to remind you, to continue, to kit and wish you a wonderful day...

make it so :)

working at the carwash

might as well be, for as much as i enjoy the job i do, the dysfunction and disorganization is probably more prevalent at my job than at the average car wash (and i don't mean the automated kind)... might as well be working for one of the the stupidest intelligence networks ever created by humans, the nsa-cia-fbi conglomerate of ridiculous macho rules of disengagement, misgidance, and lack of communication... the trouble with being paranoid is you don't trust anyone, so how can the paranoid be trusted to protect anyone?...

what?...

oh yeah, so work was more ridiculous than usual today... the ahca and samh people came, four of them, and dug through our charts for five hours and when they were done, gave us a gold star... all is well on the outside... internally, however, the dysfunction intensifies as the ceo seems on high alert paranoid or irritated or maybe even vindictive... i mean, he's been tying my hands and not keeping his word for some time now, adding to my workload passively and acting as though i am expected to do it all... but since i got back from tennessee, he's been more directly challenging in emails and i am not sure just what is bugging him, but i hope to find out tomorrow as i asked for some time to talk...

home feels a little less lonely with the tv on, but i don't see much reason to watch it... especially not when the few shows i found interesting are not on channels i can receive... so dinner and wander the web and what?... no gym again?... whatever is bringing on this bout of laziness?... maybe i should ask myself to talk to myself one of these days, aye? :)

hope you are having fun too :)

give and take

we all know how to give and take, though from my experience in this world, most people take a whole lot more than they give... it can be quite lonely being a giver (with due respect to lowry {wiki} and others, orwell, beckett, not withstanding)... acting as though we do not have a choice does not mean we do not have a choice...

and good morning :)

long day no sleep

sleeeepy...

rain rained out the softball game tonight, so i pondered doing something else and stayed at work late to get some more work done and came home and ate and will now fall asleep with the tv on like normal americans... hope your day was more exciting than mine :)

nite nite :)

we could blame tv

since i did leave it on all night and slept about an hour cuz i was wandering the web while doing laundry (got about half done, but at least i do not have to go out to buy any clothes this week) and what with preparations for tomorrow's ahca audit and softball tonight the lack of sleep was probably not the best idea, but the laundry a me time just must fit into the schedule somehow, so it did...

make today wonderful, even if you slept :)

and suddenly, tv

so while wandering through best buy ever so clightly closer to actually buying a netbook or laptop or both, i slipped over to the tv department and asked about digital boxes and antennae and what do you know, i walked out with a $10 antennae that suddenly turned on the tv that has been sitting in the corner collecting dust since august... and there was the superbowl (neither team deserved to lose that game, ultimately one play pretty much may have decided the game)... but then, that is the game...

and now, i can be distracted by the tv again... though softball and social activities will keep me away most nights and since the sci-fi channel is not available, there's little that will catch my interest for long... the novelty will wear off soon enough... but until it does, any recommendations on what might be worth watching on network tv these days?...

and some things never change

rasputin called cuz he and precious (and his mom and her best friend, the great singer and actor you'll all know one day) went to see smokey joe's cafe (i decided not to go so i could sleep and wake without an alarm) and were going to macaroni grill after the show and so i went to meet them there and enjoy some of my favorite food (though their portions have gotten considerably smaller over the last few years)...

after dinner i stopped at the bank to give precious rent money for february (and a little extra to pay for registration for her car... she got a ticket cuz it expired in december and she didn't know it had to be renewed each year... hopefully she'll find a way to pay the ticket without having to ask me... and after that i headed to best buy to look at the netbook i could have bought with the money i handed precious... sigh and all that...

the giving to others still feels better than the giving to myself even if i grumble a bit on the surface for a moment... but it is moments like these that leave me longing to have someone closer in this life who will share the moments of the giving and the stuff as well... so yeah, some things never change... i give as much as i have and dream of sharing it all more all the time... oh, hey, you there, have you heard this song before?... stop laughing and help me find the one already, aye? :)

ah, sweet sleep

waking without an alarm is so sweet... the whole world slows down when sleep is satisfied, like i mean, time itself... more likely it is an internal awareness that adjusts sensitivity and the experience to momentary parameters so all the knowledge resurfaces from the depths where it is stored while rushing through life... ah, but who has time to ponder the concept of time long enough to truly understand all it could mean and be... so much is missed living the normal human way... and so it goes, and so it goes...

and now, with superbowl looming on the temporal horizon, i am flipping between relaxing and finding motivation to do laundry and clean around the place and heading out somewhere to watch the superbowl... i hope your weekend is balance with fun and rest and enlightenment (and a few necessary choores) too :)

and the night life remains the same

just like the song... the highlight was a group called the young americans featuring the voice of Donnie Lee and yes, they and he deserve this individually linked mention here in the daily life blog... some amazing sounds come out of Donnie's voice as he covers an amazingly wide spectrum of songs... and the band holds it together well as they cover the music... see them if you can, hear them too, but live is where it's at...

listening, watching, i heard a voice in my head say... i used to do that...

so dinner at the mellow mushroom was switched to friendly confines because the mushroom took too long to seat us... so some delicious pizza was traded for some coconut shrimp and trivia games and a sports bar atmosphere... good to see some friends i had not seen in weeks though... after dinner a few of us headed to the other party at the cricketer's arms pub and i knew dozens of the people in the place... it was great to walk in and get hugged and see happy smiles and conversation headed in my direction... i was surprised to see a few of my favorite game people there and people from other groups as well, which made the night all the more fun... and the music, as i meantioned above, was great...

arriving home, inspired and hungry, i had the choice of heading to the gym at 3am or cooking some food or going to bed or writing... i chose the food and writing, which undermines the end of lonely days, lonely nights, and so on, but sure does provide the immediate sensory satisfaction i wanted tonight... as i rationalize it to myself, when i have a reason (a person) to provide the same sensual satisfaction then i will deny myself the food/oral pleasures and increase exercise in order to enjoy and provide enjoyment of other sensual pleasures, but until someone comes along i will enjoy this physical body as much as i can all by myself cuz (and here's the bottom line), i might die tomorrow and i don't want my last day or few hours to be spent in denial... a hedonist perspective, perhaps, but that's life...

and you, how are you enjoying yourself tonight? :)