missing rasputin

that is, rasputin is missing... just when you though today had enough entries, here comes another (the fourth?... fifth?... losing track... do they become less important when they are buried like this?) cuz, after all, thereal doesn't stop just cuz the entries have been uploaded, right?...

our concern is the whereabouts of one rasputin character, former roommate and father of precious, who has been out of contact since precious drove him home on tuesday evening... his phone, which is a work phone, has not been turned back on... perhaps it is broken after being turned off for the two weeks he was in the ukraine... but he has not contacted precious who is totally dependent on him for now and who is running out of funds, including credit, and has little gas in her car and rent due tomorrow (she has the $20 i gave her sunday and that's it)...

it's not like rasputin to be disappearing like this, so we are concerned... neither of us have the number of the family he is living with at the moment and he doesn't have a land-line extension at work to leave a message there... i will try to wake early enough to call his work tomorrow as i believe the office is open from 9-11am on saturday... that'll save me driving over after softball...

so there is a mystery inside this body and a mystery in the outside life as well... we hope neither is a halloween horror and will stay oddly amused until there is any real sign of reason for concern... i mean, it could be a halloween prank, after all... so i reassured precious that i'll talk to her tomorrow and we'll see about finding her dad...

happy halloween...

and the haunting...

almost four hours sleep, broken several conscious times by the pain, but i was still wired enough when i woke to head to work to not stop for caffeine as i've done on other very earlyu morning on little sleep... help arrived about an hour into setting up for the haunted house and from about seven thirty until nine thirty three of us worked diligently (with a little passing through help from others) and we had a good environment for a haunting...

though nobody actually mentioned it or seemed to openly notice, the only thing not as good as last year was the spider webbing across the ceiling and walls and that was cuz the pain kept me from doing more of that and nobody else had the patience to do the entire hallway, center room, and end room... it is a lot of work and strain on the arms, shoulders, and back...

the kids started coming through about nine-thirty and continued throughout the day... while the new activity therapy supervisor was not as coordinated as the last one (not giving us warning the kids were entering the hallway so we were caught unprepared a few times throughout the day so the kids did not get the full effect) and we had far fewer participants than we usually do (five key participants were not there for the afternoon at all and one was out sick for the whole day) and a few staff were all business party poopers (who were hustled out of the area fast), most staff said this was the best overall haunted house yet in all the years we've been doing it...

and my assistant stepped up to fill in for the key role of end room monster clown (yay data) for the afternoon when the original monster clown had to drive a kid to the airport... and the new cno added much scary energy of her own to the end room haunting, and we hijacked a passing therapist or two along the way to fill in so we at least had a skeleton crew (pun intended) to put on the show... so all in all, it was much fun and feedback was excellent from kids and staff who came through so everyone seemed to feel good...

some work even got done throughout the day as i returned phone messages and sent out requests from auditors, corporate, and investigators, so all in all it was a productive work day and a successful show... much yay all around...

first, the comments...

as i just pondered the span of time, history, in RealTime™, even as i bordered on babble worthy of the incomplete epic flooding behind the candoor, i came back to thereal with the same report... first, i check the comments to see if anybody related to what i wrote... first, i check the comments to see if anyone is listening... first i check the comments to see if the one found me... first, i check the comments to see how alone i am in this world... and then, almost every time, i respond to comments before i start writing any entry... that is why some days go by in RealTime™ without an upload, though there's usually something written... i just fall asleep before i feel it is an entry and then the next day, the same...

first, i check the comments...

the pain

today the pain moved from the triceps area to the right side of the left pectoral and back again... it limits movement of the torso in virtually every way... the pain it severe enough when the muscles tense that it prevents sneezes and coughs... it fades ever so slightly for brief perios, but that may just be my not moving the wrong way and not needing to sneeze or clear my throat... a hiccup or burp is severe pain in the muscle effected... at the moment, it is in the left biceps... there is no pain at all in the pectoral or anywhere else... we shall see how it interferes with softball practice tomorrow... hopefully, it will fade and whatever is causing it will heal... so far, it is not fading, but it is moving back and forth from triceps to pectoral with more consistency... this is a very puzzling pain...

good, bad, ugly, and soup

some diced imitation crab meat (which is actually processed alaskan pollack, a fish, once upon a time) in a very light mixture of fat free mayo, a garlic onion dip, mozzarella cheese, and a bit of spice made for dinner and a bit more of the mixture along with vegetarian vegetable soup (one of the original earliest comfort foods, even though they eliminated the lima beans and added more carrots and potatoes, the fools, but i've mentioned that recently somewhere, so stop the babble, this is thereal, after all) made for a late night snack as i just arrived home from the day from hell (yes, the previous entry discusses the ugly, the hurts and rudolph and the aftermath, or shock, or both, actually, so that's the ugly, ok, enough said)...

the food was good... the soup especially... flavors are love in my world, since there are so few people sharing such feelings of comfort and pleasure (which is the bad, sad, lonely, and all that jazz)...

the softball was good... yes, in spite of spending the day at the emergency room getting poked and prodded and stuck and medicated and patched and all sorts of doctored up and warned not to leave until they milked the insurance company for as much as possible cuz i might die if i don't, i went shopping for more halloween stuff (another $150 donated to the kids) and then, went to pitch softball...

but the softball was good, remember?... yes, we won, i pitched well, we played well, we held the second place team to 5 runs (and they hit very well ordinarily) and we scored 10 runs and we tied them for second place... so we guaranteed ourselves a trophy, at least third place, and possibly second if we win our last two games...

so that's the good (softball and at least i didn't have something like this or worse, right?... that's good), the bad (modern medicine and the greed and corruption inherent in the system - viva le revolution!), the ugly (ouchies and lonelies and well, modern medicine too), and the soup, the soup was good too...

hope your day ended well, in spite of what the beinning and middle might have been like... and thanks for being in thereal with me :)

some days...

i woke with that sharp pain in my chest again, on the left, not like a heart pain, more like a muscle except the pain is it's worst when i laugh or cough or take a deep breathe or hiccup, even... so after an hour at work i decided to go to the doctor... when will i finally just give up on modern medicine?...

no more walk in clinic, that's for sure... the doctor there spent 30 seconds with me, charged a dollar a second, and said go to the emergency room... i debated a half hour or so, drove back to work, sat in the parking lot, then drove to the emergency room... just wanting a doctor to at least listen to my chest and tell me it's not a pneumonia...

the emergency room, however, has a protocol for chest pains that costs a fortune and keeps a patient overnight... admit me?... what?... no thanks, just start your tests and i'll bail when i get bored...

so they stuck me and x-rayed me and iv-ed me and stuck a nitrogycerine patch on me and ekg-ed me and then, actually used a stethoscope... and then i took a nap for an hour or two while they processed the tests... finally, after five hours (which would have been a lot longer if i didn't insist on either being fed or seeing the doctor as it was almost 3pm and i was getting a hunger headache cuz i had nothing to eat all day... i mean, were they gonna keep me overnight without feeding me?), the doctor tells me all the tests are fine so far... so far... of course, there's more money to be made...

oh, and they gave me one aspirin...

so i sign out ama (against medical advice), which may be the only way out of an emergency room these days unless you really like spending money and getting tested... and i stopped for more halloween stuff for the kids tomorrow and i'm gonna rest a bit then go play softball...

i'm tired and achy and feeling the after effects of nitro and passing a kidney stone and giving blood and probably too much chocolate this week and whatever it is that is causing the pain in the chest (probably slept wrong or strained it swinging the bat), but i am still breathing (ouch) and laughing at my continued gullibility (modern medicine, yeah sure, just another greed machine run by lawyers and bankers {who are lawyers} and insurance brokers {who are lawyers} and doctors {who are lawyers too} cuz they either are lawyers or hire them and let the lawyers run the show)...

hello, how are you today? :)

good morning, it is good to be alive

this is just a test of the scheduled posting blogspot says it does... if i really was alive, i mean here, i would write something more... perhaps i will tomorrow when i wake... or now...

. . .

hmmmm, i wonder if this post was uploaded at the time it says, this morning, or now when i connected... guess there's no way to know unless i check from another computer... ok, test again another time when my head is clearer...

ouchie

sitting nodding crawling to bed soon as laundry is in dryer groggy sleepy tired...

ouchie too... sharp pains in my left chest muscle, sort of, when i laugh or cough or hiccup or breathe deep or use my arm a certain way... not sure why, it was sort of there during the day but has gotten worse as the day moved along and now, ouchie...

maybe it's lingering from the way i slept last night... a heart attack is on the right side, right?... wait, i almost forgot, i passed another kidney stone today... a reddish one... we'll call it rudolph... he must have heard me talking about him somewhere in the blogosphere... obviously i am in the mood to babble or ramble randomly, but the body and fatigue is interfering with the concentration process...

too tired to laugh (and it really does hurt to laugh)... but i was laughing so much at an email a softball teammate sent... just look what the team did to Hector... I did it to rasputin too...

gonna go sleep now... nite nite :)

blink and it's a new day

and a new entry, if i am in touch with the moods and ebbs and flows of life within and around me... i've got pieces of babbling waiting for continuance and uploading but i've been falling asleep while writing the past few evenings so the babbler is itching (probably why i woke early even though i am still way sleepy)... waking tired and achy due to sugar/chocolate overdosing the past week, and lack of exercise, bloated and duh... not enough time for the gym though, so either tonight (which is not as happening as it needs to be) or wake even earlier tomorrow... must not forget about the body (since i'm the only one interested in it these days - oh, that's a self-zinger i should not be laughing at so easily, but then, there's no accounting for my sense of humor)...

nothing planned for this evening, so maybe i'll get motivated (and stay away from the chocolate that is all around work, including my office, cuz of the halloween think, aye?)... maybe some unpacking and moving in? (sheesh, what a life)...

so anything new or exciting going on in yours?...

how about old and mundane?...

make it fun :)

habit

sometimes that is all i have to bring me back here to thereal, for all lamentation aside, no one shares thereal today, so if i do not bring myself back, there's no one else who will... without a partner in life, a committed relationship, there is no consistent illusion of sharing in thereal that breaks the natural aloneness and separation that is existence in these physical bodies in this life... you may be blessed for not knowing this all the time...

still, i trust my habit more than the illusion...

but that doesn't mean i don't want to illusion too... so work was busy, as usual, with an investigation deepening and requiring a root cause analysis.. and maybe we are starting to break through the lack of organization and cooperation bit... and then, home to eat and rest and rest i did as sleep came quickly after eating... a few hours later, here i am awake and writing...

habit...

and hope...

and after the car exploded, we had ice cream

yes, the belly berry berry full... a whole eggplant parm fit for two and then ice cream... ok, so no side dish like pasta or salad or soup or even a ton of breadsticks (one potato roll), but still, much food, belly full... of course i mean the imaginary we, sheesh, i mean, what am i, purple or something?... kiss kiss bang bang, love you much... oh, ahhhh, to be in love again, and sharing ice cream...

the day was a wash... an investigation, which means everything else gets put on hold and i chase managers to make sure they chase their staff for the statements the staff should have written the day before... and of course the managers don't have time to stop their daily routine to chase down and investigate an incident, so they get grumpy (well, at least one does, the other is more cheerful) and somewhat passive aggressive (and i will not be undermined or made to look incompetent by someone dragging their feet and then looking at me as i i should have done their job for them, now here that, ah ha!)... at 5pm when the state investigator arrived, i still had only two statements and had to ask for both of them... so i sent a few emails and the cno suggested we meet with her managers tomorrow morning...

so at 7pm i leave the state investigator and two sheriff deputies in the hands of the evening supervisor and race off to my softball game, changing in the car at red lights... no time to stop for caffeine or food or drink or anything... and i pitched ok, but the lack of food and rushing showed as i walked three or four and they hit very well... it did not help that the infield, especially the pitcher's mound and the batter's box, was literally a sandbox... no footing and no solid ground to push off from...

so the ice cream was good... oh, yeah, and the car outside did explode rather suddenly... unfortunatelt it did not bring mikey and his mom out to see the fireworks... maybe next time... not that i want to see cars blow up outside every day... so how was your day? :)

home again, home again

and i really oughta do more laundry since i didn't get to the dark stuff and my pants are in the dark stuff and if i don't do the rest of the laundry today i'll have to fit it in during the week, like tomorrow, but here i am sitting here and checking mail (no mail, so right to this) and writing this entry instead...

up on time for softball and we won, 12-9... again most of the runs we gave up came on errors and we might have given up one or two if everyone caught the balls that hit their gloves, but definitely not more than a few... if we move up to a better division next year, we will definitely need to make fewer errors... i only walked one batter today and that was questionable as we had the self-adjusting umpire again, that is, he changes his strike zone at his whim... our first baseman may have a shoulder or collar bone injury, he'll be going to a doctor tomorrow...

after the game we hung out at our right center fielder's apartment where he cooked food for the team, so we ate, watched some football (that makes about three times i've seen parts of games this year), and played some cards... the team is fun, i love the softball and the guys are sensitive and kind and friendly, but hanging with them does nothing for my social life (as in love life or sex life) cuz they are all gay (i did mention somewhere along the way that my sunday league is part of nagaaa, haven't i?)... they are the most organized softball league in orlando and we're talking about entering in tournaments in other cities, which sounds like much fun, but alas, no girls (at least no girls interested in boys)... i love the softball and the guys though...

so the fun (and the loneliness) continues
(every day, same old thing, huh? :)

i stopped by precious' on the way home to drop off some money to hold her over until rasputin gets home tuesday night... and i stopped by target to look at radios (cuz i have no radio in the place) and other stuff and bought some halloween candy for work and some soup and ice cream and a half dozen wrist bands to keep my hand dry while pitching... and here we are...

hope your day was full of fun too :)

two-a-days

we did them during what was ironically called hell week, the return from vacation to a start of a new season (football, specifically) and twice a day we'd push our bodies to the limits... well, two blog entries a day seems far from the limits around here, but i am just taking the moment to acknowledge the recent increase in entries here and assessing this as a good thing, for it is closer to the real time concept i was trying to find elsewhere and here in thereal i was as much momentary connection as possible...

so i got home early from the game night cuz the regulars who usually stay up playing one and on were a bit more tired than usually (like me?) and so i stayed awake and responded to more comments and words from toronto and then, here to recap the day...

the costume store moved and leaving myself an hour to find it, find a costume, drive down, buy party goodies, put on the costume, and get into the house... not exactly a lot of time... still, i see the laziness in my actions... is see the avoidance in my many words... and the game night was much fun, though some of the livelier people were missing so there was a bit of a subdued quality, more normacy and conformity and less creativity and excited jumping around, but still, much fun...

and here in thereal, the more the updates, the greater the chace for moment-to-moment sharing and bonding... thanks for keeping in touch :)

hollow ween

busy life getting busier... first, bummer, cuz precious went to see west side story last night and didn't call cuz she thought i was busy... missing a favorite emo-play sucks, but then, nobody to cry with and hug for more than a second sucks too, so maybe that's why i didn't go last night... as it looks, i may miss little shop of horrors too as i have stuff to do every night next week too... and nobody to go with, alas oh woe is me and all...

meanwhile, must head out to get a costume for tonight (the game players halloween party)... no idea what to dress up as, again, wishing for a partner (holidays are the loneliest times sometimes... better get my alien perspective renewed and ready for this year it seems) to feedback opinions on how i look... i have not considered appearance much (if at all) in years, hence the on-again off-again belly, the long long hair, the skraggle from time to time, and the wal-mart style i parade around in even to the board meetings and conferences... yeah, no wonder...

and then some time between getting home from the party (which is likely to run till dawn, or almost) down south (about forty minutes away or so without traffic) and getting to my softball game at 11am tomorrow and a party after the game, i just agreed to check on a couple of yorkies who are home alone cuz their mom was just admitted to a hospital a few moments ago and wouldn't you know, she lives on the other side of the world (at least forty minutes)... got a map?... party is near kissimmee, i live near ucf, softball is on the west side of town, and the poor home-alone yorkies are somewhere in apopka... of course my internet connection takes forever to get a map up for me... so while we're waiting for the map to come up, i had time to write this entry...

and then some... ok, 28 miles to the party... 25 miles to the yorkies (opposite direction)... 18 miles to softball... which is kind of on the way to the yorkies... hmmm, 17 miles from party to yorkies... maybe i'll just not come home tonight, take my softball stuff and changes of clothes and toiletries and stuff, and nap with the yorkies between the party and the game... that's about 90 miles round trip home to home... that would save a couple of hours drive time (and get me more sleep, probably) and save gas and car wear... we'll see if the couch is appealing when i get there... hallowwen is starting out with a busy pre-weekend already... the one is gonna have to run to catch up...

make today wonderful in your world :)

this way or that way

the choice tonight is to fall over and die (ok, i mean pass out, death might leave me alone one more day, in all probability... yeah, i'm in one of those laugh in the face of death and so and so irreverent whatever moods... mostly good though, so we'll see if any mostly dead stuff flows out of this... not feeling it rising at the moment, but it's been so long, we know there's a bubblingn cauldren in there... anyway, back to thereal) or drag myself out to watch west side story (and very likely fall asleep if i don't inject caffiene (and i mean more than chocolate) into the body, but i tire of drinking alone, alas, which is actually a good thing or i'd have died of some addiction long ago)... fatigue and nobody to go with shall probably make the decision for me... the wallet is happy about the choice too... but my heart, maria, but my heart... yeah, i know it's anita, i still prefer maria...

sigh :}

another busy workday (and workweek, for that matter) comes to an end and again i accomplished one goal and fixed a lot of things for a lot of others... two key forms others were rolling out today needed some tweaking so on and whatever, being the most proficient in MS Office software in the place means doing a lot of stuff for a lot of others and there's just not enough time to teach so i simply fix what's wrong and get back to my reports... must find more time to teach though cuz that is a performance improvement need for the hospital...

and laundry is spinning around and life goes on day after day... i am enjoying the freedom to sit naked and relax in peace and quiet in the privacy of my own space, ultimately... i may babble until i pass out (which could be any moment) the social drive that had me out running around night after night for a few months (or however long it was, the calendar knows) still nudges me and i am lonelier sometimes, but between softball and working extra hours, i'm also tired (crap, lack of regular exercise plays the biggest factor in fatigue... get to the gym tonight at least if nothing else)...

ummm, ok... that's life :)

after midnight again

as totally exhaustedly sleepy as i am, it's a ridiculous hour and im am still awake when i intended to wake very early tomorrow and what's up with that?... nevermind, it's time to sleep, so brief...

softball sucked, though we came back with 7 runs in the last inning, we still lost 17-13 and mostly on errors and walks... i pitched my worse game since i started pitching and everyone was making errors, including me... to be that close to the team that is 7-0 (averaging 16 runs a game and averaging giving up less than 4) is pretty phenomenal luck... anyway, that's softball...

work was weird, all morning i packed and unpacked my office cuz the two new file cabinets finally arrived... two drawers each, not three as i expected, so i hept the big piece of furniture and now the office is more crowded than ever... i got ride of one of the chairs and the waste paper basket, but still... i still need to get one of the file cabinets open as the plant ops director lost one set... but it was good to start making the office mine, finally... i went out for lunch (eggplant parm sub and brach's chocolates) and then picked up the halloween stuff from home, finally, cuz i kept forgetting it in the mornings... while out, i stopped at the bank and they wouldn't accept the check from river park cuz rasputin has to be there... so i have to wait until he gets back to cash the check... meanwhile, it's endorsed so i better be careful with it cuz less reputible places would cash it in a heartbeat... thanks bank, for helping me secure my money... back at the office, i spent half the afternoon decorating for halloween and the other half juggling three emergencies... two of the emergiencies were postponed until tomorrow morning, bright and early, so why am i still awake again?... oh yeah, to tell you about the day... to keep in touch... sharing, internet style...

and since arriving home i've been wandering the net visiting old haunts and you'll read all about it in a more babbling place like the real... and that's it, time to sleep, thanks for caring and letting me know so i don't feel so alone... nite nite :)

wow, i forgot about thereal which just goes to show how tired i was last night... it took five hours to write the the real blog in between nodding off and struggling to find the brain cells screaming for attention... all's well, cuz they were milked and no longer feel bloated and unloved... the belly, on the other hand, well... softball tonight...

ahca surveyors finished up yesterday and as i suspected, they will extend our pip due to the minutia (nurses not clearly adding their credentials to their signatures and doctors not checking the box that says they discussed an incident with other doctors and techs not writing good enough notes)... much praise for the major process corrections and for the stuff i created and implemented, so yay for the big stuff... all in all, exactly the results i would have given if i was auditing...

and now, rushing out to work (only have time because i had to throw the softball shirt in the wash cuz i forgot to wash it this week) and gonna have to race to get to my meeting this morning... nice to take a day off one of these days... thank you for being out there... and make today a great day, ok? :)

sleep was due hours ago

but i may have used the time more wisely even though the body is wasted and the raccoon eyes darken and another very early morning starts in too few hours... communicating with the ghost of the past is an appropriate endeavor for october... and perhaps some major changes in perspective actually happened... clarifying shared truths?... time will tell...

work was mostly spent with the federal and state surveyors today after getting some early morning work done before they arrived... overall, we seem to be doing well, though some stubborn citations will trip us up because department heads refuse to do what the auditors ask and all i can do is keep monitoring and reporting what is and is not being done...

after work i met precious for dinner and to give her $ for rasputin who has a block on his credit card and apparently can't unblock it from the ukraine... and then, here in the world of words where this entry began... and to think, i passed up alanis morissette tonight to get some sleep... ah, plans, don't you just love them?... so here's another entry for posterity, and you...

nite nite :)

cuz you just never know

we might wake up at the same moment, like a kismet or something, and shuffle (or stumble or simply stroll, if we wake gracefully) over to our respective computers to check out the world at the very same moment feeling the very same way and ka-boom, like two stars we collide right here in the cyber space of blogdom, both lonely and eager to find each other, both hopeful we are still out here looking, both busy with life but taking a few moments as often as possible to say...

hello world, i am here, make today a great day...


i've been waiting for you to arrive :)

keeping in touch

yup, that's what it's all about (and a little hokey pokey too, as only harry can deliver, but just a little... short stories)... just to keep in touch (more than ten years online... wanna see?... just follow the carefully random {or is that randomly careful?... probably} linkages), to believe it's worth it, i'm worth it, you're worth it, we're worth it... and the sharing gives us value... and the caring fills our hearts... and the wanting to be nearer that can tear a soul apart... and the hope that someone's out there... feeling the same way... and somehow we'll come together... to start a whole new world for a moment that will last... forever and a day... keeping in touch... all day... every day... all night... now... forever and a day...

true as it gets, as much as i love the (e)thereal sharing of words on and off the internet, that (above paragraph) is "thereal" i seek, the moment to moment bond that everyone i've known so far calls too intense, too much work, or just downright too much... too smothering because they are afraid to breathe into another and become part of them... too confining because they are not secure within their own skin and need space to run from themselves now and then... too whatever, because whatever...

home from another softball game, another win, another fun night with relative strangers... some shared beers and nachos and chili cheese fries afterward at the local T & A wing bar and i am almost human (he would be proud) and yet, here i sit alone because, for better or worse, i am me... and the space between is the difference between neediness and desire, between loneliness and hunger, between curiosity and thirst... this night was fun...

and still, an emptiness lingers... waiting for someone who can fill it... someone who can keep in touch, someone who can keep up, someone who can be with me...

home for a moment

not that i'm moved in or anything... just stopping off to change and grab a bit of food before the softball game... non-stop for the brain and fingers at work, could use rest, but i missed last week not realizing the season started (cuz rainouts postponed all the other leagues) so i must go tonight if i am to meet the team and hopefully i'll get to play... not a friendly team through email as i haven't heard from anyone and very few showed up to the first practice, so we shall see what they are like in person...

i suppose life is less alone in my mind when i blog... and it keeps me from getting too busy and forgetting i am alone and lonely (see, there is a purpose to thereal after all, ahem)... someday, someone will find it with me :)

day after day (...)

ah, another day, another week begins at the nine to five grind... i shall set off in a few moments and start again, starting over is second nature to me... i must pause as i am doing here to realize i do it (concentrating to remember the past few days, i spent most of it elsewhere and away from the keyboard and i miss the words, but time does it's thing and i've come to trust it)... short term memory is so much like an etch-a-sketch and the blank slate still amuses me... my personal blessing... so whomever may notice, i once again find myself rolling down the hill (or is this climbing up the hill?... ah, the first ponder of the new day, for later as numbers call and i do love getting lost in numbers)... pity the fool (and laugh :)

and make today wonderful... and may it be shared :)

back from softball

why?... i mean, i could have stayed out and socialized, though i do have shopping and laundry to do and did not want to spend extra money or eat out again, so i shopped (crazy on a sunday afternoon... in the summertime, cuz it's always summertime down here, sorta) and now food is in the oven, laundry is in the washer, and i am here... was i expecting anything?... no, but i keep hoping (which is such a ridiculously irrational thing to do, i suppose)...

loneliness brings on all sorts of irrationalities...

softball... we sucked today, no hitting, i walked four, i think... might have been three... might have been too much practice pitching yesterday and too little sleep the past week, but then, i pitched great tuesday and thursday... cummulative fatigue, perhaps... might have been cuz i have a bruised and very sore right index finger tip and palm (thumb area) from catching a line drive during practice yesterday and a sore shin just below the knee from another line drive i did not catch before it slammed into my shin just below the knee... my shin-guards had slide around back... but reasons and excuses aren't worth much (we didn't score until the fourth and finally tied it 5-5 in the sixth to force overtime and then i lined out to lead of that extra inning and it got worse from there)... i didn't feel like the team or the coach was in the game much and in the fifth they put in another catcher who could throw the ball to me so i had to keep bending and chasing his throwback on every pitch, which tires the body out and breaks the pitching rhythm... still, excuses... i could done better and that goes for everyone...

see, nobody likes me because i suck (what's that about irrationalities?... actually, they'd love me if i would suck, it is a gay lesbian league after all... yeah, well, back to softball now)...

but there are more excuses, so... the umpire was the worst they have, consistently inconsistent and doesn't seem to like our team (could be racial prejudice as he sounds and appears quite redneck and most of our team is non-white - the only non-white team in the league... most teams are all white, come to think of it)... the other pitcher (who i was told is also an umpire on other days, which is surely a conflict of interests, but it's just a game, right) was getting a bigger strike zone, but that's challenging to prove and if we were hitting it wouldn't have mattered a bit... they only got five runs until the seventh when extra runners were put on base cuz time ran out and we were tied... they won mostly on defense and our lack of hitting, they simply played more consistently... and we hit poorly... i hit the ball hard today, but went 0-3... and we were down after the game, though our coach won his game (he plays in another division), so some good news... anyway, now, we are probably out of the running for first, second, or third (alas, our record is 3-4), but we'll hopefully have fun the last five games... and that's the sunday softball report for posterity (and anyone who cares)...

anybody out there? :)

the madness continues

a week or two ago i thought i had turned a corner on the over-eating and more, on the over-snacking, but apparently i am still secretly indulging my taste buds and the receptors in brain and body that ooo and ahhh over sugar and caffeine and fat and fried stuff and all the consumables that are slower to burn off than the greens and grains... and i haven't finished unpacking yet either... i wonder how much reconnecting with my past had to do with that... maybe nothing, but we'll never know, so why bring it up...

since i did not get into work today, i'm going to have to wake way early on monday and get in well before sunrise... and what for? rises from more voices in my mind the more i give to the corporate world... yes, the kids, but then, what about me and my kids?... rhetorical questions, of course, and who cares anyway...

but the day was filled with glee just the same... waking and farting around for a couple of hours then going to softball practice then to see anything goes starring precious' best friend who continues to improve and has all the makings of a broadway musical star (except the foot in the door at an early age) and then to see the last five years which was even better and then to steak and shake for an indulgent late night dinner and then, home to do laundry and sit here bring you thereal as it happens...

even if it does prove how alone i am after hours and how nobody actually shares my day to day existence, at least it's here for posterity and for when you want to check in... hope your weekend is going well too...

sleep?

almost like some sort of secret code, words just seem to gather meaning as they age, or as we age, or something, but for the past few days i've been monotonously hearing a voice, then voices, then choruses, then crowds, then mobs, then random flashes of voices wandering aimlessly in confined space randomly bumping into each other asking... sleep?...

way more caffeine that usual, and chocolate and sugar and last night, sausage and fried stuff (all the fun of the fair, or fotf, in some circles) and the brain pfttzzst (kind of short circuits without easily noticeable of motor function) and then, sleep comes in brief hour or two segments while the brain speeds along on the chemical additives... used to be called a high, i think...

eyes wide, doh duh da all around, heading toward the crash... a bit hung over now, quite bloated, we shall see how hard this crash is when it gets here (cuz it's just starting it's spiral, i think)... so some of the voices are asking (beyond the point of feeling, pleading, or anything) and some of the voices are laughing (beyond the point of reason) and some of the voices are suggesting we not (riding the high) and some of the voices are doing all sorts of other things with the infinite messages and meanings of the word, but over and over at random intervals the word pops up...

sleep?...

and if you happen by to read, how are you today? :)

mr. lonely

who sang that?... bobby vinton?... anyway, another fine mess of a day at work and much was accomplished and much waits for the next time i go in and the piles grow on the desk and all around the office and oh well, there's not enough of me to do it all so some of it just gets done not (it's a professional technique used by overloaded managers and directors... higher officials, like presidents, can read children's books instead)...

and then, after work, a fun free concert with two friends all the way across town (25ish miles) at the ocoee founder's day festival... and on the menu, lardass galore, sausages and a cheese filled pancake and a frozen chocolate cappuchino for dessert... .38 special was the headliner, with a few other bands... the weather outside was beautiful all night... and then, we went to talk music, for i was with two seriously music loving musical type friends... and here i am, just getting home, returning to the scene of the crime...

yes, mr lonely strikes again... but at least it was a productive and much fun time since i last came here and i'll babble or rhyme or both till i nod off so mr lonely can't get me down too far... that's the magical mystery tour through thereal, climb on board or get out of the way cuz the train is coming through...

hope your day was as much fun as (and less lonely than) mine, so there :)

out of order

i'll just interject this entry here out of order (time) cuz there was no entry on this date and this whole process feels out of order (wrong) cuz life feels out of order (both) cuz i am so alone and sharing and not sharing at the same time...

so i just come here whenever cuz i live here and the computer is on and it takes two minutes (or five) to type a dew dozen words into this box and say hello and think about the day or night and put a few of the events or ideas or feelings into words in relative real time cuz this is where i am supposedly attempted to share the real (or thereal, if that is any different than anything else) and as i look at the product of the moments spent here i find there is no actual sharing, but only me pouring the words in and nobody actually noticing...

posterity, you've got a lot of catching up to do...

both ends and the middle

as if i was a candle... always pretending to be self-replenishing, but deep down, knowing... so tonight we won 14-3 and we could have easily won by more and practically gave them the three runs in the last inning just to be good sports (at east some of us seemed to and i know i did)... they appeared to be a poor hitting team and i was on again, two games in a row this week... feels good to feel that much control of something in the physical world... they put me up second for a change... i walked three times and scored three times and grounded out once, the ground out was in the last inning and i stood at the plate watching the ball cuz it could have gone fair or foul (a dribbler) and it was called fair... it was 14-0 and if we scored, the game was over... i wanted to play more...

and work was another very long day of training as the training fair wound down... and i still have a few full days of work due monday and so, the work week will not end tomorrow, alas, the corporate responsibility days are here again (somehow, it should fit to the tune of happy days are here again, ya know?)... and minnie was discharged and i haven't heard any more... and life goes on with dreams gone by and no one to share the harry song or the story of a life and so much sadness gushes under the surface (what?... where?... oh peanuts, get a shell, and he giggles, fool, no pity please)... so life is busy at work,. fun at softball, alone at home...

and still, it turns me on...

on the run

how pretentious a title, or a name for a convenience gas stop, but then, humans do lose touch with what actual words mean and slow everything down to a pace they can handle i suppose... i am vibrating a bit higher these days... sleep deprivation and all... hopefully the body will hold out... and on that note, it's off to work i go... hope your morning starts of great...

softball tonight, but excitement over words continues to grow so i just wanted you to know...

awake?

what in the world am i still doing awake?... a limp penis tells me i'm not masturbating, so what other purpose might there be in not sleeping when this body so desperately requires sleep (are you still distracted by the mention of the limp penis?... of come on, don't be that easy, aye?... thereal can surprise you,m perhaps, or just amuse me, whatever, i really should be sleeping... especially since i have another softball game tomorrow and intend to go out friday night and not have a slow weekend or next week either...

but i woke and had a couple of phone calls to make cuz i have responsibilities on my mind... and i responded to jackson who needed an answer to a work related query and raspy flew off to the ukraine and i did not send precious a text as i meant to but i know she's ok and i was a bit distracted as i checked in on mina and minnie, who are, alas, confused (did i mention mina had to baker act minnie over the weekend or did i conveniently leave that out of thereal and my consciousness?... did i ask why i am not sleeping or why i may appear a tad forgetful?)...

and a flood of emails came in telling me there are a flood of comments and i so want to read and respond but i also want to be awake and alert when i do, so patience, i tell myself and hope from others... always hope... and sleep, please, i'm gonna lay down now... hope your having fun :)

one more day ends in a night

amazing how they do that, huh?... hey whatever, it's already well past midnight (but we won't tell the clock that yet) weand i intended to be at work before 6am tomorrow cuz i have work to get done and will be tied up in a training fair all day and will be staying late every night and probably working the weekend too cuz there are too many meetings and trainings and other things to do this month like every other month and it is just getting worse so why don't i have a laptop yet i'll ask again tomorrow...

maybe i won't sleep tonight, not wise according to standard medical practice and all since i was sick sick sick and still have the sniffles but i and i just walked in from dinner with the closest friend i know and before that had a beer or two with sort of friends i know and before that played a softball game and all of that was fun and i feel better than i did all weekend but i still have the sniffles and should probably get at least a few hours sleep tonight...

it was nice to get called to get asked to pitch tonight for yet another team and we won 17-7 and i scored two runs and was getting on base on a walk and a fielder's choice and everyone seemed pleased with my pitching and it was a good night... i have a game thursday and a practice saturday and another i might skip sunday morning and a game sunday afternoon and a game monday night and then, more of the same... loving the softball...

and raspy called just as i was leaving the wing house after the game and it happened that we crossed paths precisely at the same moment at the same place on our way homes to the opposite parts of town and so we met for late dinner cuz he is leaving for the ukraine for two weeks tomorrow and i haven't seen him in about ten days so i have an extra belly again...

and here we are catching up on the day... lots of days to catch up on, aye?... hope yours are good too and we share a few moments of thereal some day :)

almost asleep

and then i woke and babbled (just in case you thought i forgot how) and not to say it was any sort of epic babbling, but it was rather dichotomous and random and egmonanimous, which says whatever it says... meanwhile, in thereal, i bloated the belly with dried grains and nuts and fruits and rice milk and then almost fell asleep, but woke myself long enough to finish the babbling (as if it is ever finished) and come here to let you know i still live and breath and made it through a ten hour day without blowing up or melting or anything... the cold is still in my sinuses and the head does not feel great, but it doesn't hurt near as much as it did last night...

work was the usual mixture of smiles and lack of support as the disfunctional family continues to consistently shoot itself in the foot and i mention it to the ceo, but he seems to enjoy the disfunction (or simply doesn't see how disconnected his directors are and how his decisions keep them that way)... for instance, they've decided to "go green" by having paperless meetings, so the reports and minutes presented at meetings are supposed to be on the server... but the folders are locked out to anyone who is not an official member of the committee, so there's a breakdown in communication between directors who are on different committees because they cannot see what the other committee is doing... and when i mention that our smiling ceo says he'll think about it and when i press the point suggesting it would not look good if an auditor asked a director about something aand the director did not know the answer because he or she is not privy to that particular meeting... so he said he will see what he can do as if it is not his decision... and we all know it completely is his decision...

life in the corporate jungle is, well, life in the corporate jungle... and life at home is lonely, but i'm gonna stay home and let the body fight off the cold... and just as i said that, i realized i have a monday night softball league and the first game may have been tonight... with all the rainouts and postponements (and lack of contact or showing up for practices), i forgot all about the monday night team... this league seems like a waste of money... it's more expensive than other leagues, yet has lower grade fields and less reliable teams than either the sinday or the work league... alas, where is the enthusiasm in these kids today (and on that note, i'll wander off to the lonely land of never never, where nobody ever disappoints and everybody always comes through cuz, after all, it's all in my mind)...

hope life is good for you out there, wherever you are :)

it's morning and i'm still alive

yes, i know, a little drama in the title to start the day, and week, for that matter... eye hand coordination is slowing the fingers and the day does not bode well for the massive workload sitting on my desk, but dig we must so i sha;l do my thing and head into work cuz it's one of those days where lines are drawn and the directors are separated from the workers and i made my choice to take a director's chair so i'll be sitting in it come leadership meeting today...

it was more fun in the eighties when someone was sharing the ride...

i hope your day goes well and your head doesn't explode either :)

there's not enough space in my head

i nodded off earlier today after eating more soup... i think my last four meals have been soup... all weekend, soup... not the kind of soup i should be consuming... clear broth, the wisdoms say... no, a creamy based soup, every time... and i have chicken noodle in the house too, but taste buds are stubborn, especially when poor-me wants comfort...

yes, thereal is sick today... sinus cold... pounding pressure... exploding eyes... drippy nose... try not to cough, it hurts too much... there's not enough space in my head...

but i love you :)

meanwhile, crisis in the semi-adopted family... i'll tell you more when i know, probably yesterday... so i hope you had a much better day and will have a much better night... i hope to sleep, but, being that i slept all day, well, maybe i can babble my way into a head-draining party...

maybe a trip to the gym...

cuz i wasn't here, sorta

i slip this in here cuz i wasn't here yesterday, even though i was home and unpacking and babbling on elsewhere on the web, i was not here... and i woke with a scratchy throat cuz a prep-h thing or something was scratched open by a hard lump of turd and when poop gets in the bloodstream i usually get a cold and it happens now and then, not for a while though, more than a year, so anyway, the cold bug wash washed out of the throat by antiseptic mouthwash and is now residing in the sinuses giving me that exploding head (and eyes) pounding feeling that hurts and distracts all the good moods...

and then there's a message from minnie about having to get serious help for her niece for whom she has guardianship... i spoke with her tomorrow and out of respect for privacy i won't share more, but i hope they will find a way through and while at the moment the exploding head wants no part of the rush of emotions and deep thinking, i'll help if i can...

and then there is a promise i made and still want to keep (among so many promises beyond my control) to yet another adopted child and that weighs on my head tonight as well... i hate to have to face that i am just another human proving words and promises and caring is all full of shit to a child as it was proven to me and it sucked... alas... alone...

there really is not enough room in my head tonight...

good morning

if you do not make today a great day, there is still time to change your mind...

hi-ho :)

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and if at the end of the day, you still did not make today a great day, do it tomorrow...

nite nite :)

stinky dinky poo

so here i am sitting and pondering what's for dinner instead of out playing softball because once again, we are rained out... and quite a storm it is, no doubt about that... like yesterday's that blew out power in the neighborhood... the bad news was that there was no way to get in or out of this electronically gated community... no battery back up?... no emergency plan?... I called the emergency numbers and after about an hour they arrived and let us go home (and let the people trapped inside out... they said they have battery back up, but apparently it was not tested and failed... good thing there was no real emergency... wonder if the power will blow tonight...

and so i put on my sneakers and shorts and t-shirt and was out the door on my way to the gym when the storm arrived right overhead and pow, the choice was freeze in the gym in soaking wet clothes or head back upstairs and, you got it, come sit here and ponder what's for dinner...

so how was your stinky dinky poo day? :)

yeah, i hope it was fun :)

and now, even fewer

once again a few rushed moments as i drip dry with ten minutes to dress and be out the door for work, but i felt the day must begin with a wave and a smile and the reminder that i love you and miss you because these two minutes matter more, to me at least, than the rest of the day...

egocentric, perhaps, to place my feelings and desires ahead of everything else, but then, maybe that is how we become who we are, we take a stand and make something (or someone) more important than anything else... and for me, love is most important of all and i send it to you, yes, anyone who stops in and cares, but more personally, to you who have been here before and especially most of all, to you who care enough to stop in regularly (whether you leave a comment or not)...

cuz you deserve to be loved and i'm full of it...

ummmm, well, i am :)

make today special, just cuz you can :)

so little time (ad nauseatum)

once again a few stolen moments from the morning rush hour to get to the am meeting on time just to care about communicating with the world outside my head (which would be you, few as you are, when you are here in your stolen moments from your daily day)... it is the compulsion to be (or obsession i have with) sharing all the time (sharing all the time, sharing all the time... thank you eddie murphy) that brings me back again and again to this space, or a space on the public web where the words fall out of my head in the hope (or hopes, on a good day) that someone will share cuz, as they say in la cage aux folles care that much...

imagine, there are over a hundred entries in this daily thereal blog already... as close to the me i know as me in the daily life (what?... no sparkly honey or glitter or over-melo-dramatic imaginary emoting?... well, a little, wouldn't want to be boring, after all... ok, so it is boring beyond tears, but that's life and everybody's got one, right?...

last night trivia was fun, music was fun, cconversation was fun, and even interesting... this morning is bright... and now, it is time to go to work but not before i do what i came to do and that is hug you... see, that's what the daily words, the realtime thereal words are about... i care, i love to show i care, i love to share, and in the absence of anyone who returns the favor, i send these words out to anyone who might want (or need) them to let you know i care and i love you and i would hug you good morning if you were within arms length... you are not as alone as you feel, except maybe physically, like me, but emotionally, you are loved...

the words and the hug will be here when you need them... renewed as often as the time allows... take care and make today a good day, if not a wonderful day... share again soon, i hope (cuz there's always hope, even for our dreams to come true :)

for no one

ah, the beatles play in my head (though fleetwood mac plays on the little player) and i am reminded how much i enjoy music and social interaction (and food, unfortunately, as the sensible change in eating habits of last week have all but gone out the window this week, even though i am eating whole foods healthy stuff today) as i went to the trivia night and then to the coffee house open mike with the poet and others and now, as time for sleeping dwindles and plans for tomorrow night are to head across town to see the poet read at a different coffee house (he's the featured poet), i am looking at resorting to caffeine to function at work at max number crunching level to get the work done cuz the risk management backlog took most of today and rhymes flowed throughout the gardens tonight... and that's life in thereal for posterity's sake, and mine, and the one, and anybody else interested...

nite nite (not really, but for here and now :)

too late

yes, unfortunately or not, you missed your chance to console the big loser after the wounded knee came home all happy as a lark cuz life is just like that (a lark, happy, a wounded knee, you choose or paint your own) and that, my friends, is thereal...

of course i wouldn't want just anyone to be consoling anyway cuz most consoling comes with way too much self-pity and i've got enough of my own thank you very much nyuk nyuk and all that horseradish... but then, it was today...

and a swollen knee keeps me limping a bit, stiffening up when i don't move it, but otherwise i am fine cuz the pain (must be my unbelievable tolerance, aye?) hasn't gotten to my brain much (just feels like i've got my left in a keg of marshmallow flush and we {me and the leg} are walking underwater)...

work was busy, as usual... i could spend all night there and get the all the monthly reports done on time, but then, seriously now, what fun is that without someone hiding under your desk?... so i just put in the usual ten hours and a half today and tomorrow, more numbers to crunch and reports to write and investigations to tie up and dances to dance (slowly) and fun to be had by all... or at least by me...

home, to rest the knee, and consume leftovers from the olive garden... suddenly precious has a new favorite place and naturally, we went there... and i bought enough food for a week... so i'll take this week off from that health kick i got on for a week last week and see if the whole thing doesn't start all over again next week... or something like that... but it's just too much fun to break the rules, ya know?...

what can i say, all i've got these days are my taste buds and the rule breaking thrill i so adore... thank goodness for diets of the rule breaking thrill would be so much less fun... i don't know what i am doing here, really, cuz it's kind of obvious the babbler wants to play... so take care my long lost strangers... make it fun with or without me... and if you see theone, say hello for me...

nite nite :)

daily moves so fast

and that may be why is so often failed along the way at doing what comes so naturally to me, babbling on in written words, that is, specifically, keeping up a consciously aware of reality daily blog like this might be... and that may be why the babbler comes along and takes over every time, cuz daily moves so fast...

and i really don't want to face the answer to the question who really has time to keep up with it? every day cuz the answer is nobody unless we actually live with each other in thereal space (as opposed the the ethereal space of the blog world or our hopes and dreams and imagination or spiritual awakenings even) and that, alas and alack, leaves thereal quite out on it's own most of the time, so...

i went over to let the babbler have some fun at the real, which has become the babblers place, even though behind the candoor was, after candora, after candor, after mostly dead, after a journal of sorts, after...

see what i mean? (is laughing at one's self selfish?)...

everything in it's place, the babbler in every place... and so, after that (babbling at the real), i nodded off right here in this chair (which is not actually the big green chair cuz i haven't even sat in the bog green chair here yet cuz i haven't even set up the big green chair here yet (how many weeks and still not moved in at all?) and then, hobbled off into bed and then, woke and limped back here and now, off to shower and start another day of number crunching and making everything look great in corporate reports and graphs and written words...

how was your night?... day?... few days?... weekend?... week?... month?... year?... life?... past life?... alternative life?... eternity?...

ah, time, the only thing that is constant, relatively speaking :)

yes, a meatball parm sub

and tonight i am pondering going out with rasputin and precious to wherever they are going even though it is sunday night and i really should get out of the habit of going out on sunday nights (and spending money when i really do not have to) and yet, i miss the only resemblance of family i have around here (which is why i asked precious if she wanted to come along to the movie yesterday with the meetup group) and the only nights i can see raspy is sunday or monday and i'll be playing softball mondays starting next week so...

i wonder where they will pick... i wonder how late it will be... i wonder whether i will eat a salad or a treat (since this is not going to be my norm until i drop back under 180 pounds. so there (and i stick my tongue out in my general direction... actually, am i sticking my tongue out at my taste buds?... think about that :)

life is a wonderful experience and then you die... sure, it's painful, it's scary at times, it's brutally challenging at times, but if you learn to enjoy the roller coaster as i did when i was too young to not enjoy it, you'll understand what i mean...

meanwhile, elsewhere in thereal, we lost 16-14 to the unbeaten team who only gave up one run in the previous five games they played... i think that makes us 3-3, but this was the only game we really lost because we just gave away the other games to lesser teams... we were so close, constantly coming back because our outfielders just did not have the skills to handle good hitters (and they had great hitters, in fact, their hitters should so not be in the recreational division, but they are a new team and got away with it)... we play all six teams again, so we shall see if we learn...

morning practice for the thursday was long, two and a half hours, and the team only half showed up and the people who did show up were less than half-hearted about actually playing i'm not sure why people sign up to play a game and then either not show or show, but stand around lazy on the field... only four people showed up for the monday team practice and two were fifty minutes late... so much for softball enthusiasm...

i did not get to the thia festival as the morning practice ran too long and i took a line drive right to the left knee (moderate swelling, pain, and will probably be sore for a few days, but i was able to play the afternoon game as i did not let it tighten up and bought some stuff i am about to tell you about as soon as this parentheses closes) and stopped at sports authority to pick up the knew and calf pads i had been meaning to stop and pick up and a knee support helps... i also picked up an elbow support for the minor tennis elbow i am developing from all the pitching and that helped too... and then i finally went to sam's club and picked up the cases of drinks i habe been meaning to pick up so i no longer will spend $1.50 or more on each drink before games... usually i pick up a few, at least... so productive time instead of thia food festival...

lunch was a protein fruit drink, a product called naked that costs at least $3 for about eight ounces, but it very effective in keeping my muscles feeling good on days of a lot of exercise and is a very light and relatively low calorie lunch on games days... and that's today so far... how was yours? :)

religulous

bill, as in maher, almost said it, but stopped short of the precise words... the words could have been this is what they want or they want the end of the world, the end of days... that is what they live for or simply they want this juxtaposing the world leaders who believe in a coming armaggedon with the political choice they make (pollution, destruction of resources, war over ideals), but essence, like harry chapin's the rock, the message was the sky is falling...

so after laundry and writing, i went to see religullous and while i think it's too snarky for mainstream or religious people to take too seriously, it is a step closer to putting the obvious reality humanity lives together as zeitgeist and other films tried to do before... history will see this well...

a meatball parm sub afterward and fun chatting and then, home again to write some more with music playing, and now, softball... busy day, fun day, hope yours is too :)

still not moving in

but relaxing... i forgot to stop to pick up a few things - line shelf liner, shelving, closet organizers, cd racks, and other stuff - that i want in place before unpacking, so i'll go a seventh week without moving in to this space (beyond unpacking the laptop and some basics... i found a dead ant (all together now, deadant, deadant, deadant deadant deadant deadant deadaaaaaaaaaaaaannt, dededum), the red biting kind, but the roaches seem to have stayed on the other side of the barrier... hopefully a monthly spray and powder by me on top of the orkin guy they have (who i will request at least monthly) will keep them out... so i'll try to remember to stop for the stuff and move in next week...

today is laundry and internet, though very little internet so far... tonight i'm going to see religulous with fifty close personal friends (i know a dozen of them, actually) and precious is joining us... maybe pizza after, but i've been eating very differently (and lighter) all week... dried fruits and nuts and soups and fat free stuff and smaller portions) so i dont want to taunt the taste buds too much with the other stuff cuz they love this stuff once they forget about the heavy italian and fried and fat-sugar stuff...

tomorrow there's softball practice in the am (for the new thursday night team that i'll joinafter the work thursday night team ends, unless they have schedules some thursdays that fit both leagues), then a thai buffet at the wat florida dhammaram, which is a buddhist temple, i think... more than a hundred people from one group alone are supposed to be going to that (i invited precious and rasputin, but they are thinking about it) and it fits into the day as it's from 10:30 to 2:30 and i have a softball game at 2pm, so i'll stop in after practice, munch on thai food, and then head to the sunday game...

and that's the weekend already in progress... i hope your weekend is fun and exciting and full of interesting people and places and sensory experiences and healthy activities and most of all, loving companions who live to share your happiness :)

day after day...

ah yes, one of the classics from the soundtrack of this life as i've known it, loosely called mine... and what was today all about, the fool asks himself (and happily answers, of course :)

well, today was much like most others days in the first week of the month, much number crunching and brain drama at work and then i ran away (well, i left a few minutes early)... searching through boxes for the checkbook cuz i almost never use checks but it's time to pay the rent and they only take checks, i finally found it and paid rent... while down there, i hopped on to the elliptical machine (just happened to be dressed for it) and pushed a half hour further... definitely out of shape again... the conditioning sure doesn't last as long as it used to... maybe this time i'll die, errr, i mean maintain and sustain and get back into shape and stay there... yeah, that's the ticket...

and the evening was spent rambling on in responses to words from up north... seems like fifteen years ago... maybe too much like fifteen years ago... and maybe i am spending too much time online for my own good as this online life is for people who want to stay alone or people already in relationships who have the time to spend online... still, resolving unfinished business and creating closure is a good thing... another roller coaster ride is fun... just wish there was someone sharing it on my end...

there is a tremendous shortage of eye contact in the world :)

exhausterated

so another day at work and everybody's got a crisis and people don't show up for the root cause analysis and the manager who supervises those people is locked in her office with a personal dilemma at the time of the meeting so we cancel the meeting and the manager's boss will have to explore what happened cuz this is as close to an investigation as it gets without being an investigation and not showing up is grounds for some sort of corrective action...

meanwhile, the work spills over on my desk and i already put in fifty hours or so this week... the first week of the month, and the second, are usually like this... soon i'll start training my second assistant and things should get better...

and then, softball... interesting how things turn out sometimes... the two thursday night teams had mixed blessings... i went to the work team because the coach of the other team said he had too many males and he'd have to sit some so he didn't need me... so someone else pitched their first playoff game and they lost 17-16... at least they scored runs... so they are out of the playoffs and done... the work team won, 10-4, and i pitched three innings because they were short a girl and could only play nine people...

so with two teams that needed me to pitch all season, i played three innings and definitely did not feel worked out... so i went to the gym and pushed on the elliptical for an hour (62 minutes, to be exact) and pitiful pace, (4.2 mph), but at least i did something with this body other than sit and type... imagine if i had a tv (don't laugh, it's really very sad... ok, laugh, even if you are the only one ... guilt trips make me laugh... so was i laughing at the start of this parentheses?... only thereal knows for sure :)

and then, home, and as i start typing and uploading some rhymes here and there (the mostlydead lands got some rhymes, as did a couple of other places), and then while listening to la cage aux folles {surely a tear jerking emocoaster) i nodded off during the second listening as i was typing (in the middle of a comment during which i paused to upload some of the rhymes)... and now, with the sun coming up, i must shower and rush a bit as i am running late this morning... but hey, i'm still here letting you know the mundane details of the life as i live it, so you are certainly thrilled...

staring at the screen and scratching your head trying to figure me out might not be the best use of your time, you know?... but i do appreciate the attention... even if i'm the only one imagining it is there :)

love you :)

frayed edges

suddenly i do not feel like sharing... suddenly, i do not feel like caring... suddenly, i do not feel like wearing a smile... think i'll go off by byself for a while...

and yet, here we are...

this week has been productive at work in the form development department (though none of the forms have been approved yet), but the huge pile of backlogged work i inherited remains and the first week (of the month) data work is now due... then there is the assistant to train, though logistically it makes no sense as he is in the IT office on the other side of the building, so communication and transmittal of paperwork is a major obstacle... office space is lacking, so though i now have a three person department, it's spread out too far to manage effectively... i'll figure out how to make it work somehow...

at home, i finally met up with the bright house girl and turned in my cable box and remote... only a month late... other than that, last night was more writing... deep sea diving into psyche and history and the madness of human emotions... still feeling an outsider in this world, but maybe... hope?... why bother?... what's the use?... never give up, never surrender?... there is no coming back from some things?... it is not easy living with an axe over your head... bang bang maxwell's silver hammer...

someone said it is time to wake up and come out from behind the babbling again... was that before or after amy?... unconditional?... the one?... theone?... theone is simply the one who cares enough to unconditionally trust and love and share right here and now in thereal... wish she was here... paper fantasies are great, but the only way paper fantasies can keep you warm at night is if you bury yourself under reams or if you burn the pages... either way, flesh and blood sharing doesn't happen and that is the thereal world, flesh, blood, sweat, tears... just wish there was not so much flab and warped insecurity and fear, for my aversion to it keeps me from being able to find pleasure in it...

learn to enjoy it?... suppress my personal preferences and compromise my instinctive reactions?... pretend to enjoy it?... either way, that is not me... and that is not waking up and coming out from behind the babbling...

huh?... oh, i was somewhere else... ethereal, perhaps, and that's life in thereal this morning, capsulizing yesterday... hope you had fun :}