what softball?

so as you may have heard, i drove down to ft. lauderdale because a coach asked me to come pitch for them and yet they had four regular pitchers without me and they really didn't need me... i told the guy weeks before that i'd love to play other positions but i'd be rusty so i wouldn't want to lose a game for them unless i practiced the other positions so i gave him my number and asked him to call me if they practice and that didn't happen... they really didn't need a thirteenth player, especially when they can only bat twelve max and only ten play the field and the smart move in a tournament is to play the ten hottest players... that didn't happen either... i didn't think i'd play as little as i did though...

i played first base for one inning and made one play scooping a bad throw from third (he didn't throw one on line all tournament and threw half way over the first baseman's head allowing for extra bases) out of the dirt for the last out of the game... i played second base for one inning and made no plays as the ball wasn't hit or throw to second... i played catcher for two innings and asked to come out because it was not working for the pitcher who was walking people and i felt he might do better if he was more comfortable with his regular catcher... and i pitched half a game... i batted last in a 12 person line-up in the three games i played in and was on the bench in the other three... i went five for six batting, a triple, a double, three singles, and three walks... the highest batting average and definitely the highest on base percentage in the twelfth spot... i lead off five times (the eleventh batter ended a lot of innings) and was three for four as a lead off (one was the triple and the top of the lineup stranded me at third...

i expected this team do go further in the tournament but i watched them blow two of three tournament games from the bench... some nice guys, some fun, but i would not do it again... way too long a drive to hardly play...

strange weekend

well, i said yes to going with another team for the ft. lauderdale tournament because my team decided they didn't want to go (of course, they don't even show up to their own games half the time and we don't practice anymore because if two people show up for practice that's a lot) and what i thought might be a promising chance to play and win turned out to be another wasted trip with more challenges than i signed up for... i'd have happily paid for my own room had i known i was going to be in with three others at the last minute in a room with full size mattress* which was not right for grown people who don't want to sleep together... the guy who was supposed to share my bed wisely got a rolling bed to squeeze into the room... it meant blocking the door, but it was better... he said he got it because he farted and snored and that was no lie... the rest of the team told me he was moody with an attitude problem after he didn't make much effort in right field...

the other bed had a couple who lived together back home and they smoked a cigarette an hour (outside of the room as it was a non-smoking room, but the smell travels... former crack addicts, one still trying to kick it and the other with brain damage from getting hit by a car about eight years ago that left him with cognitive limits, serious mood swings including angry paranoid... he doesn't play, he just comes along and wanders around looking for branches he can carve into walking sticks... if not for his lover he'd be homeless ranting on street corners... he ranted a lot over the weekend... when stepped out of the shower this morning he didn't recognize me and raged at me about trying to control him...

meanwhile, softball... well, that was more disappointing than the motel room....

narf...




*

Full size or also known as a ‘double/standard’ was commonly used for two adults 30 - 40 years ago when the homes and bedrooms were built much smaller. Now it is usually purchased for single person use and sometimes smaller guest rooms. It is a tight fit for two adults and the same length as a twin. Two adults sleeping on a full size is equivalent to each person sleeping on a crib mattress (27 inches of sleep space). Most people with a sleeping partner opt for the queen size. Full can sometimes be special ordered in extra long.

and we're done

so i went down to ft. lauderdale to play in a softball tournament with another team cuz my team didn't want to go... but the team that asked me to come down already had four pitchers and twelve players and they didn't need me at all... they didn't play as well as they usually do so i hardly got to play at all which was sad and frustrating and the few hundred dollar and time i spent would have been better spent on myself at home... i was told i would get to play but i was just a just in case of emergency player and it was no fun to be just a just in case...

the coached thanked me for being a team player... too bad i hardly got to play...

yeah...

forgot the laptop

probably subconscious sabotage, but whatever, i forgot the laptop this weekend and it would have been good to have for a few reasons, fantasy football, checking work email, and distracting from the rather tense motel stay (sad so many people have so many mental health issues and self-destructive behaviors and it is more challenging for me every day to put myself in situations where i share space with people and still, i don't want to give up on finding others i can relate to and someone who can relate to me so i take the changes now and then, sadly less and less, but i keep trying... unfortunately this weekend was another failure on the connection front)...

i probably would have whined and bitched and moaned and bored the heck out of us, so it's probably best that i forgot the laptop in spite of imaginary readers desperately seeking entries and all those stats we love to play with... you missed me, of course, and i missed you, naturally, but we still would have been bored with the blah blah blah...

sigh, ya know? :)

not enough time time time

as the years pass the mind and body crave more sleep, maybe even need more sleep to function, no less function optimally... and as the years pass there is more and more i want to do and less and less time to do it... this and that too...

so much to do, so little time...

narf...

eighth place

the entry in eighth place for page views is and with this entry with 206 page views (and the seventh one has 207 page views)... only three of the top ten have comments and the eighth is tied with the second with two comments... so many silent readers... lurkers... and spambots, no doubt... it's a strange world when viewed through blog stats (i've heard that before)... i wonder if you even wanted to know... and if you did, why?... really?... no seriously, real?... is there any way to tell what is real on the net? (yes, sometimes i actually ask)... the internet, i mean... cyberspace... the world wide web...

swimming pools and movie stars (what?... no corn flakes?)... i would tell you more about the top ten entries, but who cares, right?... i mean, who cares in a world of illusion, after all... fools don't even know they are lost in delusion most of the time... all, actually...

really, you didn't know?...

narf :)

ninth place

the entry in ninth place for page views is unplanned day with 143 page views (and the eighth one has 206 page views)... only three of the top ten have comments and the ninth has the most with seven comments... so many silent readers... lurkers... and spambots, no doubt... it's a strange world when viewed through blog stats... i wonder if you even wanted to know... and if you did, why?... really?... real?... is there any way to tell what is real on the net... the internet, i mean... cyberspace... the world wide web...

swimming pools and movie stars... i would tell you more about the top ten entries, but who cares, right?... i mean, who cares in a world of illusion, after all... fools don't even know they are lost in delusion most of the time...

you didn't know?...

narf :)

tenth place

the entry in tenth place for page views is later in the evening with 124 page views (and the ninth one has 143 page views)... only three of the top ten have comments... it's a strange world when viewed through blog stats... i wonder if you even wanted to know... and if you did, why?... is there any way to tell what is real on the net... the internet, i mean... cyberspace... the world wide web...

i would tell you more about the top ten entries, but who cares, right?... i mean, who cares in a world of illusion, after all... fools don't even know they are lost in delusion most of the time...

what do you know?...

narf :)

supporting musicians

all those years ago, before her sister came in second on the voice, after i handed her a hundred dollar bill and she gave me a big hug, i saw the look in her eyes which changed from disbelief to hope during the hug (she realized i wasn't looking for anything other than to offer some support at a time in need) and i know i chose well in supporting an up and coming musician... it was the heart and pleasure i saw on stage that lead me to donate to her music... the band had just been robbed and had to replace all of their instruments and equipment and she was surprised when i put the money in her hand and said she couldn't and i said she could and she will and her eyes filled with tears and her hug was so real... it is still a great memory and she is still a very wise heart...

reading her blog and listening to her music reminds me of how vital music is to me, especially to the personal me, and even though my dream of finding a collaborator share the song writing process and i do not spend nearly as much time listening, playing, singing, or writing music as i used to... the love for the song and the sound and the messages songs can convey does not wane... just missed all the more...

yummies in the tummy

big cheese ravioli and meatballs and cream cheese and smoked salmon french onion soup and frozen chocolate milk and some of my favorite foods were lunch and dinner and snack today and tonight... i stopped there and did not pig out on candies and other stuff (look ma, almost no bread) cuz i've got a softball tournament to play tomorrow and over the weekend and i am over my best playing weight and bloated enough thank you very much (actually, no thank you, loose the dang excess weight an then thank you very much, m'ok?... yeah, well)... gonna be a good weekend of softball especially since i am playing with another team (they finished fifth in the world series this year as opposed to my team that didn't show up and is pretty much falling apart... the team i am playing with this weekend asked me to join them next year but they have too many pitchers so i probably won't join them cuz as much as i enjoy playing with a team that takes the game seriously and practices well and wins, i prefer actually playing and i would not play nearly as much on their team, but it should be a fun tournament even if i sit out a game or few)...

so anyway, yummies in the tummy and packing for the tournament and watching football and napping, that's my day...

you? :)

i miss me time

admitting avoidance is nothing new, though introducing myself to someone has not happened for some time so the fact that i did is a good sign that the personal me is still alive somewhere inside even as the professional me gets most of my awake time with a little going to the softball me and the couch potato me... the personal me has been sleeping for so long because nobody is around to share the personal me and i don't make much personal me time... i do make time for random internet sharing (though a lot less than i used to) and just moments ago i added my first edit to a wikipedia page, but since i started working the 24/7/365 gig i spend less and less time at the home computer for myself... i miss me...

narf :)

hard cold perspective

i want to believe in someone again but i don't know anyone well enough to believe in and there are so many hard cold reasons to clearly say believing in people is a painful mistake as people are selfish, unreliable, and harmful... not everyone, we'd like to believe, but just look at what we, human beings, are doing to our home, our planet, other life, each other, and ourselves... we glorify killing... we justify destruction... we encourage suicide... we laugh at others in pain... and when confronted by these truths, we deny just as we once pretended the world was flat... we love our delusions... we will kill to defend them... then we go to pray and pretend we are good... not you?... tell it to the native people... or prove it...

i am right here waiting...

all been done before

ok, so if we listen (and on a side note, interesting titles), but that's beside the point), we find out i am a bit late in my brilliant word play (yeah, yeah, yeah)... still, even though just about everything (if not all) has been done before, we still can do it different and if we are into judgments (which we all do sometimes, for fun or profit or meanness, even), we can do that too... and of course i would, if i really wanted to...

narf with the tongue out :)

scattered pages

before the internet came along there were hundreds of volumes of writings, pads and spiral notebooks and loose leaf binders and folders and bound journals and more each with a title and table of contents and a valiant attempt at organization and the very first one was called scattered pages because that is exactly what it was, a manila folder stuffed with pages of scribbles and writings from early childhood (some crayon writing in there)... those scattered pages and all the other writings are in boxes in storage just north of niagara falls and have been for a lot of years... i haven't brought them down here mostly because i did not want to do that by myself, i write to share and want to share the exploration of my storage (there's a lot more than my writings up there in the 20 foot by fifty foot storage place that is full to the twelve foot ceiling) stuff and nobody has been interested in going with me to explore the stuff... i'm just letting you know in case you wanted to know and you didn't read way back when or any of the introductions and tens of thousands of other entries and pages and many millions of words online...

words are addictive and writing is even more addictive if you know what i mean...

fan mail from readers would be nice too :)

yeah, right, whatever (been here before)

the story remains the same, even as it constantly changes (and is reported and recorded so many different ways it just may be distorted)... but still it is what it is, an insomniac's dream (hey, registered, trademarked, copyright now insomniac's dream insomniacs dream all rights reserved worldwide)... money can't buy you love, or true friends even, but it can buy temporary companionship...

so tired...

expectations suck

so i treated jackson to another concert as i do for so many because i like to share concerts and shows and entertainment and activities and so i buy two tickets and take someone and lately that's jackson cuz we live together and i expected her to be appreciative and with me and i was waiting in front of the hard rock cafe like she told me to and texted her and found out she met her friend for dinner instead of meeting me and she said she was waiting for me to text but she obviously hooked up with the person she wanted to hook up with and they met me at the concert and was in my face defensive and i was so not in the mood for a scene and had no energy cuz i was exhausted and the body wanted sleep so bad and the neck was aching and expectations suck cuz i wouldn't have been disappointed if i didn't have any...

feel stupid...

narf...

another night alone

and it's the same sleeplessness as i played a few dozen games of chess while the monday night football game bored me after getting home late cuz of a busy day at work and a softball game and walking happiness a lot and at least i finally had some food at dinner... yeah, busy day... and though i had some phone calls and texts from harpo and a couple of others, i didn't feel like talking to anyone... feeling like nobody cares enough to really make time to spend time with me and listen and hear and understand and share the same...

whatever, i suppose, or something like that...

random bias about college football 2014

i want alabama to lose because the and the sec are way too arrogant and worshipped by the supposed-to=be unbiased soap-opera sports media... same for mississippi state, though they aren't quite part of the history of arrogance... and tcu, well, they're texans and christians, what more is there to say... sure i want you to laugh, but in you are offended, well, your choice... oregon deserves another shot, but i am rooting for florida state to repeat primarily because the sports media will not give them any respoct... they are the only undefeated team... they are the current champions winning it dominantly last year and have not lost a game this year... but because they are not blowing opponents out, they don't deserve the respect as champions?... the arrogance of bias for the sec has sec teams who have a loss spoken about as if they are unbeatable and the champions who are actually undefeated are dissed constantly... jackson likes fsu too, so there's another reason... but being treated unfairly by the media, that's reason enough for me to root for them...

just cuz i was thinking about it, though this probably belongs in another blog, but it's here cuz it's here... so who will it be, aye?... ohio state? :)

sports is such an amusing soap opera...

narf :)

why not sleep?

well, because the brain is still processing the events of the day... the car thoughts... the life-death in a moment thoughts... the preparation (or unpreparedness) for retirement thoughts... the depressingly broken softball team thoughts... the fight with jackson thoughts (booo)... and under it all, all the unapoken unresolved issues between me and jackson... and loneliness... among other things...

sleep would be wise...

narf...

cooking helps

i love to cook because i love to eat but i have been extremely lazy lately (i get that way when i am down) and have not felt like cooking (or cleaning or anything) but i boiled water and heated up ravioli and i poured tomato sauce and frozen meatballs into a pot and made meatballs...

so after softball it was a tv football and food evening of distraction... jackson went to work, poor baby, works seven days a week lately as still can't cover all of her expenses, but let's not go there today as that is not good for digestion... i didn't even check fantasy football because my teams are falling apart... apathy is a killer... the food was yummy though...

narf...

can't win

yeah, of course can't doesn't exist, but it feels like it today as once again we did not have a full team show up... at least we had enough to not forfeit, but not enough to actually cover the whole field and yet, we still could have won if we had players who could catch the ball... or we didn't have four automatic outs in the line-up... we lost 11-9 in spite of giving the other team six to eight outs in three of the five innings we played and giving up three runs at home because our catcher could not catch the ball and we let easy ground balls become hits because our first baseman could not bend over and scoop balls... only three outfielders instead of four cost a few outs... all in all, we should have shut them out if we did not make any errors because they could not hit me today... at least the season is over... two teams who saw our team falling apart this year have asked me to join their team next year, but i am undecided... our coach wants to try to put a team together (he promises players who actually show up and who will proctice to get better)... jackson won't be able to play because she started a new job working sunday through thursday which is the saddest cut of all for both of us (ever though we have fights over the team because she wants to forgive and i want to kick the people who don't show up off the team)... can i have a distraction please?...

so alone...

narf...

anything for distraction

anything for distraction today was a challenging day as so many sundays are because jackson and i see things so differently when it comes to our softball team... you may recall the team didn't show up last week (only four players showed) so we forfeited and this is how it's been all season and i am fed up with them... i was not going to show up for the last game of the season today because i had a lot of other things to do and wasting time was not one i wanted to add to my day... jackson didn't like my decision and i didn't like her defending the players who don't show up and it was not fun... after years of living with each other we are starting to actually argue loudly and that sucks for both of us as neither of us reacts well and some things were broken... the rest of the day was avoiding... sucks to be here today...

servicing the car

yup, sitting at the car dealership watching a docudrama about a category 5 tornado that hit a town while they service the car... it's a sadly poor film, but then, it's on for free at a car dealership... the thought of selling the car and trading it for a car that would have no payments crossed my mind again... that would be financially sensible and would make paying all the bills without tapping into savings easier each month... i still support jackson and the kids and would not have bought the new car if i thought she was not going to be able to cover living expenses, but i've been trying to make it work and blah blah blah blah blah... don't like thinking about it...

so what are you doing with your sunday morning?...

narf :)

if i had infinite wealth

as opposed to a million dollars right?... you know the song... these days a million dollars is not as rich as it used to be, but it would help me get a whole lot of stuff i'd like to get... some i'd get just for the fun of it, but a lot i would get cuz it makes sense if it works... maybe i will buy a few of these when i decide to break the bank again... for the moment, i have spent thousands more than i should have in the past few weeks and the income continues to be shared by four and the savings continues to dwindle, so i just imagine buying cleaner air for the moment... yeah, i know, priorities... but i also don't want to spend a few hundred on a bogus product... anybody absolutely certain that this works?... if it does, i will probably get a few... hello?...

there are so many other things money can buy, even love (by exposing one to many more opportunities to find it), but for now, mostly because the blog that was basically a list of stuff i would buy if i could is gone from the internet, i conclude this entry with a wish and a hope... may we all get what we want, someday, somehow...

narf too :)

season tickets

it was great to have season tickets to the ucf football games this year, even though $450 for two tickets to six games is a lot when i am spending more than my income every month... today we sat in a chilly rain to watch ucf play it's last home game and win it's seventh game of the season, 53-7... except for a ridiculously poor performance against an 0-9 team a couple of weeks ago, the season has been as well as it can be given ucf has a ridiculously inconsistent and self-destructive offense this year... today's win was against an 0-10 team, so in spite of several big mistakes, it was still a blow out because the other team made even more big mistakes and had no offense or defense... the food at the stadium sucks, which leaves the experience wanting, since sucky food at stadium prices is worse than good food at those high prices... still, the fun of sharing watching live games with friends (anywhere from four to ten) is fun and jackson is a crazy sports fan, especially for ucf... so we will probably do it again next year...

so it was a good, wet, and cold, day...

narf :)

subtrifuge, or something like that

yeah i know, it is too simple to just come out and say the cat box needs cleaning... or to clean it, for that matter... i think we are out of kitty litter... hey, she's jackson's cat, nobody told me to buy more kitty litter... i pay for almost everything as it is and am heading for the poor house fast... alas, it's tough to raise kids in this day and age... why back in my day... yeah, sing those inflation blues old man... there is an exorbidant amount of laughter coming from the peanut gallery... is that appropriate?... seems the mind is wandering along the surface of a lake, like skipping along lily pads, with no awareness that jason might be lurking just beneath the calm waters... no wonder so many humans go mad in this culture... or at least become quite cynical old farts...

madness is good... besides making life more interesting the was spice adds to food, it keeps those of us in the psychological professions gainfully employed...

narf :)

the port-o-potty diet

ingredients:

cat(s) (the more the merrier)
dog(s) (the older the better)
will power

Mix dog(s) with cat(s) in confined space and leave overnight
allow dog(s) to have accidents on carpets and floor
allow cat box to remain uncleaned for at least a week
stir cat box occasionally so cat(s) will continue using it
add will power to prevent cleaning
add additional will power to refrain from eating outside of the house

after the first week, the living space will begin to smell like a port-o-potty and reduce the appetite... continue for a month and food consumption will be minimal... with sufficient will power to refrain from eating outside of the house, weight loss will be maximized

Note: extreme poverty can substitute for will power

sweet heart

i did not deserve you, just noting that here... i was in love with your best friend, but you made it clear that you loved me so much that you didn't care if i loved someone else... you saw something in me worth so much, i never thanked you quite enough... you made me aware that a love so pure is worth more than anything... so now i am here... alone... in smiling despair... remembering how it felt to be loved so much... it's a smiling tear... a happy tear... a warm tear...

such a sweet heart... that is what you gave me... and i broke it... sadly... such a sweet heart... what more can i say... i hope today is a happy birthday... just want to say... happy birthday...

happy birthday shari :)

nocturnal tendencies

so instead of laying down and welcoming sleep, i gave in... after walking into the kitchen and opening the fridge for a dozen or so times in the past couple of hours, i heated up a burrito and dipped into a yummy yogurt dip and satisfied the taste buds and the hunger that was partially physical hunger and mostly, probably, emotional hunger... and so instead of dropping a pound today i probably gained one... especially after a bunch of lindt chocolate balls... the belly bulges again... it will likely be a bit sore in the morning, especially since i won't get eight hours sleep, or more... the ear rings louder... the night reaches midnight and i am wide awake...

so goes the nocturnal circadian rhythm... so goes life as i've known it... a life of nocturnal tendencies... and so goes a lack of self-discipline and an abundance of self-indulgence... it is a sad euphoria of sorts... a depressing bliss when experiencing the big picture... and probably confusing if we attempt to analyze the whys and wherefores and rationalities and all that jazz... someone save my life tonight plays in the distance... and a sort of suicidal laughter chuckles softly (as opposed to maniacally) under the sighs...

loneliness leads to natural rhythms...

and so it goes...

seeing forever

the spinning continues even as the coma sweeps across the landscape of the mind... and it wasn't jack nicholson enlightening barbara streisand in some ancient movie that was being referenced in the entry aforementioned if you followed the linkage spinning round and round as opposed to the deeperness of sorts that hinted at the profoundness of potential history (if you lived through it, i suppose) and whatever was meant to be said (or written) may have slipped in between the lines or beyond the blue horizon, for that matter, whatever matter that might have been...

and if it takes forever, the waiting is still the hardest part... i mean, just because one can do something does not make it any easier to do... the fundamental things apply, after all... so don't let the sun go down on your love either and someday your clear day just might wake you up to realize it's always been there... forever too...

narf :)

that didn't last long though

i gave in and fell asleep... and happiness punished me by peeing on the carpet in the center of the living room as i was putting my shoes on to take him outside and before he got outside he pooped on the porch... dang old man... naturall my mood did not get any better... for some reason curious has been coming out after jackson goes to be to sit with me and get some petting the last few days... she didn't do that much when jackson was away, but has done it every evening and night this week... i believe it was her fur that caused the laptop to overheat and shut down the other night... i still need to get the external hard drive hoked up so i can back up everything... i don't believe in the cloud, if you were going to suggest that... why in the world anyone would put all of their stuff on someone else's server that they cannot control or protect, i don't understand... i've had thousands of pages on ISP servers deleted over the years when the company that offered the service simply stopped offering it (even when i was paying for it), so putting anything that matters on the cloud simply makes no sense to me...

anyway, the exuberant energy did not last as fatigue swept over the brain and i closed my eyes...

now, i am awake again...

narf...

chocoelated

yes, i am mostly chocoelated though just as much i am so ready for an afternoon nap because i do not sleep nearly enough so the wonder of chocolate, as usual, gives the body and mind what it needs... when wide awake after plenty of sleep the drugs in chocolate burst through with energy and adrenaline and endorphins and more and when the body and mind are fatigued chocolate becomes a wonderful sedative paving the path to sweet sleepy bliss, the oblivion where there is not even a need to remember dreams... that is where i sleep most of the time, but in recent times, i work way more than sleep and the few hours left for sleep are torn between so many other desires (creativity, self-expression, playing games, fun, and sharing, though sharing is so minimal these days, so sad, so very sad) that sleep is sometimes forgotten, which is beyond unhealthy, it's suicidal... and so, sleep?... i would if today was friday, but being that i must wake and work tomorrow, i will push and stay awake as i do not want to wake at midnight and be up all night and then still go into work all day... i want to be awake for work tomorrow... so here we are...

by the way, there is a blog once, or was perhaps, created long ago and seldom visited...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

buffalo snow

once in every life, everyone should experience a buffalo winter... i don't mean a dry winter either... i mean a winter that brings six or seven feet of buffalo snow in a week and more than two feet in a single day... buffalo snow is blinding snow and yeah, it happens in other places too (like the drive down from maine a few years ago when, until we got to southern connecticut, it was a blind white out from when we left around midnight until dawn, but that is not what i am remembering in this particular entry)... just before the millennium changed, i believe 1999, buffalo snow fell to the tune of sixty-five inches in fifteen days (and i think it was even more) and it stayed on the ground with drifts of fifteen feet for a few months... that's buffalo snow...

i lived there and this weekend's storms remind me... it was one of the most challenging times of this life and lately i am feeling a similar sense of trepidation (and pending doom) that i felt before i was forced to move to buffalo (when toronto didn't want me anymore, but that is another very long story for another time, blog, and life, even)... and the numbness and isolation i felt inside was so appropriately mimicked by the numbing blinding snow storms that year... stand in the midst of a blinding blizzard and you know a frigid isolation that may only be surpassed by standing alone on the moon or at the bottom of the ocean... but hey, that's just a memory, today is real... and i hope to find a way to turn the landslide i've been sensing around... words, words remind me, words distract me, words embrace me... no one said it would be easy....

when there is enough snow piled up and still falling to cancel an nfl football game (which used to be played in any weather), that's buffalo snow...

feel free to define it for yourself :)

stealing two months

when i found out she stole money from my emergency fund, the betrayal stung so much i went numb... that was the day i spent $200+ on melissa ethridge tickets (the concert is in two days and it is a painful reminder) and $200+ on dinner... numb is still the overall state of being two months later, partly because there are no clear signs that anything has changed and partly because there is no processing without me forcing it like pulling teeth and so there is minimal healing... and there is no one to talk to about it... and that aloneness adds to the obstacles to healing... without resolution, there is no peace... and yet i go on as positively as i can on the surface, caring care of business and giving as much as i can... cuz that is my way... no matter how much it hurts...

still, it is not easy without walking away and moving on and i am not doing that... so i ride the roller coaster and hope for peace... and hope for hope... and sigh...

sigh...

skipped the evening

got home from work and found out the softball game was rained out tonight so i walked happiness longer than usual and then ate and veged watching csi from the dvr and walked happiness a couple more time and looked over at the computer once but mostly let distraction take me away and that's where i was tonight so if you love me or just want to know and you haven't been there already, you will follow the links for a while (like click a dozen or few) and you'll see where i've been and how i feel and what is real and what is happening, sorta... what can i say, it's a struggle to stay afloat these days but there's some kind of magical hope floating around tonight somehow (feel it?)... and if you don't care, well, it's there anyway... maybe you will someday...

a tall iced sugary chocolate drink helped the mood... sigh...

narf :)

imaginary stalking

sometimes i just play with my head (and yours too, perhaps?)... so we hung out at The Echo for a while then checked out Crossroads Trading Company and Stones Throw Records (cuz we can get lost for hours in a record store) and grabbed a bite at Mohawk Bend (noting we should try Sage Organic Bistro one of these days)

note to the taste buds, try Red Lion Tavern for German and L & E Oyster Bar for Seafood and Little Dom's and Barvix for Italian and Gingergrass and Pho Cafe for Vietnamese and Umami for burgers and Edendale, Home and Alcove for some American food and Fred 52 after hours and Guisados and Gold Room if we want a bar scene and in the morning we can Meet at the Meadow or something like that... on the way out of town we can grab some road food at Gelson's or Ralphs and Silverlake (though not to much Silverlake or we could end up at Skyline, nyuk nyuk...

ok, so that was a great visit... stalking was never so much fun...

narf :)

gotta find a doctor

and a dentist too... not just cuz it's slightly sensible to get a check up now and then and maybe patch up some chipped back teeth and whiten, even, but cuz i've for $1500 in a medical savings account that will be lost in six weeks if i do not use it (so i bough a first aid kit tonight so now there's just $1490.05 in the account, sheesh, aye?)... one crown can be that much, so it's not that it's tough to spend, i just have not found a doctor or dentist i like in the current health care plan work offers... it's nicely priced as i pay only $50 a month and they give $500 back for the year in paying the deductible and co-pay, but the doctors suck cuz they are fast food docs who just want to run tests and hand out pills cuz that's the business and how they make money... none have actually cared about my health or me... too much to ask in this modern age, i suppose...

sigh, what a world, what a world...

narf...

sleepy morning

yes, the circadian rhythm blues... fell asleep sunday evening before dinner time and was up just before midnight to work a few hours and then found sleep calling after snacking after five and now sit here at eight wanting more sleep more sleep but the work calls for a meeting at nine, so push the body and the mind and pretend everything is fine...

the previous entry may have been much more revealing (though i do not see through your eyes so maybe not) and seven or more entries were written and inserted in the past since that part two was uploaded (though none were part three), but the morning offers a few minutes to sit and reflect, however superficially, so i avail myself rather than let another moment go by unreleased...

time for dressing and driving and working now...

make today a smile... narf :)

part two

often the babbler is babbling somewhere shortly after the initial idea emerges because it is the way of the babbler to enter the free associative land of babbling (which includes a fair share of repetition and not just for the sake of silly humors either, but we might get to that in another life as business fills life today, though a few moments here can almost remind us of a more restful happy time like remembering rhyme, even) cuz it is when the mind is opened to the infinite stream of imagination that the idea can connect with the big picture and find other ideas that help form a new explanation of whatever the idea might be and therein develop some profounder meaning after all the babbling (and blogging, for the moment) is said and done...

maybe the blog family remembers... in this online incarnation of the written gardens, relatively long ago (a decade is a long time in these early cyber years) the babbling was seeking a balance with the format and style and still retaining some semblance of the infinite eternity that fueled the babbler's babbling ways... before the internet, most of the emotions came out in rhyme (in thousands of volumes and tens of thousands of songs, with and without musical accompaniment)... and then came this blog that attempted brevity, so these babblings sort of slipped into the ethers of the mind and may have caused some indigestion, or worse, but it was never gone, just sleeping...

the thing is that while sleeping, all sorts of human frailties and stupid mind games can influence the sleep-writing babbler and especially when living in a profoundly repressed, suppressed, and depressing world (which we can discuss some other time if you care to), sadness can overwhelm like a tsumani of emotion and it is too easy to feel powerless as the infinity eternity of the streams of consciousness and unconsiousness reach up from the depths for attention (and when in rome, we drown, or something like that)... remembering, it is what i do, after all... remember?...

all you need to do is remember that waking up cures everything and you realize you don't have to be sad, unless you really want to be sad, in which case, enjoy it :)

narf :)

don't be sad

cuz two out of three ain't bad?... well, there are a lot of reasons not to be sad, actually, many even better than that one, but the bottom line is and always has been (no matter how many times, or how well we forget), it is a choice... life, death, and every emotion in between, all a choice... to be or not to be... to feel or not to feel... to ride the waves of inspiration and emotion or to let them ride you... a choice...

it is even more simple (and less dangerous) than the analogy of a surfer who can drown or ride for the emotions are not the ocean no matter how well the metaphor fits... the wonder of feeling is that feelings can feel as powerful as the ocean (ever been touched by a rip current?... or a tsumani, for that matter?... just the tip of a fraction of the power of the seas), yet emotion is created within the mind and the mind is infinitely more powerful than anything it creates (even dr. frankenstein?... oh come on, be serious... why?... enough, pinky, it's time to take over the world)...

distraction makes the most amusing bedfellows...

narf :)

disappointing softball

so after one disappointing week after another with just nine players showing up in Dallas for the world series and then week after week this season seven or eight players showing up so we play short with random pick up players leaving a season in shambles, today only six showed up so we forfeit... sunday softball... i don't want to go back again...

anybody want a pitcher?... i'm looking for a team...

not so real anymore

there is stuff going on in the immediate environment and personal life involving others that is just not right for public sharing on the web as it involves serious mistakes and sadly self-destructive choices by others who do not deserve their lives recorded in this blog which is meant to record one life, the one i somewhat loosely call mine (oh, is there a rub or what?... who knows, who cares, who is there, nobody shares, la la la)... so perhaps the real part of the concept that was (and is?) (e)thereal has lost it's way or something like that, but somehow i am still going and not falling silent as i did in toronto when i chose to let myself die at the hands of another (unconditional trust is such a dangerous decision) to supposedly protect the innocent, which is to say the words continue to flow here and the truths eeek out even as i playfully distract myself (rather well, most of the time, if you only knew)... still, it turns me off...

and there it is...

narf...

dressed too warm

ok, so it was fifty degrees yesterday and i woke up cold several times through the night and now i realize that was due to dehydration from a caffeine hangover so i am way overdreassed for softball as it is in the mid seventies and i have two layers all over... being too lazy to take it all off and start again, it is a sweaty few hours ahead... jackson is at the fields already because she had a double header and i didn't wake up early enough and it really doesn't matter if i am there or not unless she needs something because she has her other softball friends there and would rather not be close to me, especially not in public, as i bring on guilt and shame and my current loneliness and down mood definitely adds to that so we are in a sad spiral of distraction and superficiality which depresses me and leaves me wondering why i stay in this world when there might be so much more somewhere else but not knowing leaves me here hoping, even if just a little now, that someone will come along and actually share everything...

of course it is partly my chosen perspective, but there is so little (or none) non-superficial evidence that i am wanted or appreciated on a personal basis these days, it's a sad time... sad thinking, aye?... jackson does the best she can, but she lives in distracted delusion ike most people so... it hurts her to face where she is in life and hurts her to face where i am in life and feels responsible for both (and she is, though i am responsible for allowing it) and does not know how to be real and honest without letting the guilt and shame overwhelm her to the point where she wants to break something or hurt herself so we don't get real much and don't get deep at all which is quite deeply miserable sad and self-destructive for me...

maybe that's why i dressed too warm (is it madness to be laughing right now?)...

narf...

saving some entries

what i means is... sometimes i will leave an entry out there as the 'current entry' for a lot longer than it would ordinarily be the first entry seen by holding off on uploading entries because i want the entry i leave up to be seen more and not just blink into the archives like most entries do which is the case at the moment as i am hoping the blog family finds the new message i left... so this is the third entry uploaded later than it was written and actually there were more than a dozen entries written after the blog family lullaby (weak as it is to call it that) though several ended up in other blogs and the feelings that rose up were cuz i was sharing the deeper feeling without distraction (rare moments these days as nobody around here is interested, yeah, wah wah wah and all that self-pity crap... i don't find much of that lately... wonder if that's why i don't write as much... wonder if that's a sign of dwindling hope for actual meaningful intimate sharing in this life... and wasn't meant to be snarks from somewhere in the back of my mind and that bit of hopelessness comes straight from toronto, thanks a lot... ah, all the deeper webs have so much dust on them these days...

the bandaid i put on my finger cuz i cut too deep into my left index nail cuz the only nail clipper i can find cuz all the others are lost in boxes cuz i don't feel like unpacking them all even after two years of living here and the lease is up in two months again but that's not why i am wearing the bandaid on my finger, that's cuz the clippers broke so i used a larger scissor and the band aid is falling off which may be considered eerily symbolic of the current mood... not a good time to be getting calls from work while heading out for softball all alone again, naturally, but that's life at the moment...

another entry saved for upload later after the blog family entry (you remember? gets more time and another more positive entry can rise to the surface...

mttm, remember?...

narf :)

it's a sleepy sunday

swimming through a thick caffeine hangover made even more murky by excessive mucous brought on by a combination of the pollens of cooling weather, the dusts and molds of the environment, and the depressive loneliness that does not want to let me wake up (but oh, the caffeine hangover makes all the rest so much more powerful), i sit here wondering whether i should contemplate my navel, life, or some other such distraction (as i usually do) or step into a steamy shower and attempt to clear the head without exploding it and then choose between going to play softball or letting the team down and staying home licking my wounds and nurturing the headache and deterioration of the body and i wonder wonder wonder who, who wrote the book of love...

and sure enough life provides a remedy of sorts as work pops up to add distraction and responsibility for others to the mix so i put myself aside as usual and take care of others which is the second best feeling i know in this life...

i shall attempt to shower away the headache and if that does not work, perhaps another pill... giving into pills is depressing, even when mother's little helper blares in the background of the mind...

make it a great day cuz that is always a choice...

narf...

sleeping blog family

actually, more like silent blog family, though in the sense that silence is akin to sleeping if interaction is being awake (hey, we define our own language, didn't you know?) or from another, even if similar perspective, in a world where being awake is stating (or writing) at least a single signed keystroke signifying presence, the lack of that keystroke (or word or phrase or any non-anonymous communication) would be the opposite of awake, or sleeping... so with some fanfare and logical rational explanation, silence on the internet can easily be considered sleeping... add reading and it is called lurking, but in the absence of reading (or any sign of reading), the logical conclusion is sleeping... not that it is the end of anything, just a temporary conclusion... the last dozen or so entries may help you understand (or not)... so the blog family sleeps...

and i sing this lullaby...

friends and family are far away
but time and space means nothing in the heart
feelings are timeless and everywhere
true friends and family are never really apart

so sleep blog family
for love is everywhere
hear me in your dreams
feel me through despair

sleep blog family
know i'll always care
and when you are awake
you can find love here

birthdays

i meant to say
happy birthday
but the time passed by so fast

so now i say
happy birthday
and i hope i am not the last

for every day is a new birth day
every day we wake up still alive
that is cause for a celebration
be amazed that we still somehow survive

this universe is full of chaos
the world could end in the blink of an eye
and life is such a precious moment
ignoring this is just living a lie

so i meant to say
happy birthday
on the anniversary of your birth

but now i say
happy birthday
for every day you walk upon this Earth
I feel blessed because you walk upon this Earth

ah, those precious high school years still linger as precious memories... first explorations of love in this physical world, first trust of best friends after the innocent (and ignorance) of childhood passes into history... and on this date the girlfriend and best friend from those high school years was born so i take a moment to remember and put these words here (even though they were written tomorrow, if we pay attention to dates and chronological order and such)... beautiful memories are worth remembering...

still, you turn me on :)

suddenly tweeting

some tweets are meaningless and some tweets are provocative and some tweets are philosophical and some may be all three or none of the above, so define them as you might or don't, but i found myself suddenly tweeting tomorrow afternoon (at the moment i am at a ucf football game), for what that's worth to you... or you could try to find something worthwhile on my facebook if you can find my facebook, though most of the stuff flung at my wall, including photos of the face behind the candoor, is flung by others... sometimes it even sticks... but the point of this entry may have nothing to do with twitter or facebook or social media or the internet or cyberspace or passion fruit flies either... watch salesman humor: after the watch salesman's convention they all fly home on a charter jet with their latest line of wrist watches in their carry-on bags and breaking an extended silence, one said to the other, "well we must be having fun because time is sure flying"... badum duh...

tweet

tweet

tweet

swinging on a star

so the second coming of the beatnik philosopher physicists were gathering on a saturday afternoon as the sun was slowly sailing into the horizon on a superior lake of some sort and one said to the other when in a china shop (or a dish shop in any country), don't be a tazmania devil on red bull... and the other nodded with the wisdom of silence while the rest of them laughed by snapping their fingers in harmony with the spinning plates on sticks... they then all got into a small clown car and drove off singing the lumberjack song because they were offended they were not mentioned in the philosopher's song... you can ask monty python to explain it you didn't follow...

and while not speaking of overrated SEC teams the winners are losers when they cheat to defeat their opponents, but on a side note that has nothing to do with anything that came before except the memory of the passionate moment of musical seduction in the rain (or something like that), my little pretty can be quite regularly amazing (as can her sister's smile, but that's another rainy day fantasy from another rainy warp tour long ago) and if you followed (or dug, even) any of this, you may be as beautiful as you are...

narf :)

caffeination

a few days from now, or so, i come to this realization and moment and bit of babbling bliss (or something like that)... minimal sleep for most of this year (and the last three months of last year) makes for minimal sleep for most of the last thirteen plus months combined with frustrations and sadness brought on by overwork and deep personal betrayals and the general unfairness of life among humans leads to many depressive moods and laziness and both true and false fatigue so now and then i consume the caffeine like most people do in this particular nation and sort of suddenly i am wired all by myself alone and there is no depression or loneliness or frustration or sadness or anything of the sort and almost suddenly the world is spinning in the right direction (as if it ever spins in the wrong direction, right?) and the night swims gleefully forward into starriness and spectacularity as if perfection was not only possible but actually happening (wait, was that cocaine in my coffee or are you just happy to see me?) and i am reminded of just how much caffeine mimics cocaine at times when mixed in the right proportions with sugar and chocolate and assorted mood-enhancing substances only found in the brain when the moon is full and the mind is right and the decision to overcome everything to be happily blissful is made and done...

ya know?...

been

can i tell you where i've been
i wish i knew
wish i knew
if i knew where i have been
i'd tell you
i'd tell you

and who said what what what?... i recall hearing (reading?) something about repetition being the sincerest form of something, looking at things from different perspectives, creating a bigger picture, something like that... and some ponder the end of the world, like what it wr104 blows?... and what if the blog family woke up and wrote something and i commented twice and repeated myself... what would it mean to you?...

i mean, if you are reading, that is...

narf :)

softball follies (abridged)

i used to tell us about softball follies, but i don't play as much these days partly because work demands so much time and energy and also because teams i've played with did not sign up this season and finally cuz i stopped playing sunday afternoon, so i only have two leagues at the moment and only played two games (sunday morning and monday night leagues) this week and the sunday mornings are not fun anymore because we have not had a full team show up in weeks and those who do show up sometimes just don't try which is very frustrating, especially for a pitcher... this week both teams won big though, 17-2 on sunday and 18-0 on monday, which would be tonight, i imagine (imagine all the people, la la la)...

there is so much more to tell, but there is so much left unsaid too...

narf...

mental illness

the poor dog, happiness, is reaching a stage in his life where he has many ailments... major loss in hearing and eye sight, kidney stones with blood spotting at the end of urination, frequent diarrhea, a heart murmur that's gradually climbed up to #5, chronic skin issues that are only visible when he chews a patch raw and are just getting worse with age, and serious anxiety among other mind warps (which he gets from his mom, of course, cuz i am the picture of calm rational sanity, right?)... since his hearing and sight have diminished his anxiety is ridiculous and he reacts as if he's been seriously abused to anyone approaching him, including his mom, which is so sad and can be quite annoying, especially in public when other react with the assumption that we abuse him... his latest mental illness seems to be reactive attachment disorder as he goes quite off (ranging from bonkers to depressed, did i mention he also has bipolar disorder?... yes, he is quite the disordered pup) as his behavior changes radically every time jackson goes away from a few days... last week he surprised me as i forgot how oddly needy and wacko (a technical term in the mental health field) he is getting and he peed and pooed and puked all over the house and himself... this week has been a bit better, just two pees and one poo and one puke so far...

missing his mom so much, he alters his eating and drinking to the point where he either gets sick from not eating and throws up yellow bile and gets diarrhea or he eats too fast, too much, scavanging for anything outside (including cat poo from the litter box inside) and unloads even more pee and poo and puke... he's gotten to the point where he doesn't last a full day at home anymore, so jackson usually drives home (half hour each way) from work to let him out during the day (adding more expense to a budget already way in the red... she needs gas money many weeks) but with her being away and me not able to take the hour to rush home and back to work every day combined with his altered eating behaviors, i've got major clean ups and the place stinks (jackson barely smells it anymore) and the carpet is definitely goind to need replacing if we move out (and the lease is due for renewal any day now)...

it's enough to drive anyone crazy (another mental health field term, in case you wondered)... alas, he is fifteen going on sixteen (like the old show tune says) and for a dog, that's well into his senior years...

and how are you? :)

minimal travels

so in the past week i've explored a new entertainment interest, though i would not go as far as saying a new crush or libbo fantasy as she is not athletic enough for libbo (which is just a reflection of my narrow libido and not any sort of reflection of her), there is a great chance that she will be very successful on and off screen as an actress, write, editor, director, and producer, at least (yes, i see all those qualities in her eyes and some in her work, being clairvoyant and prophetic and eerie that way and all) and she has the chunky body that sells well with audiences these days, i look forward to seeing a serious side as that is the difference between the good and great actors, range... she might be a whole lot of fun to play with too...

or i might have wandered elsewhere too...

narf :)

unreasonable assumptions

ok, so while i kept expecting the girls who inspired the previous entry (milana and stevie, who won me over with their names even before i saw their stupid sense of humor and by stupid i mean bad joke dead pan sarcastic funny) to say shwetty balls at any moment and then challenge craig ferguson to an awkward pause contest, today (or then again, that was last night) was a catch up on sleep day/night as i am pretty sure i went to bed pretty early last night and slept about twelve hours before waking this morning... i could have easily napped today but was kept awake by work and helenwho got a new tv and reminded me that i promised to come over and hook it up for her... so i made sausages for lunch and ordered pizza for dinner because i am letting laziness dominate these days as pay back for the personal betrayals and usery and over-working and loneliness and unfairness and so many reasons to be depressed and giving into laziness helps cheer me up cuz i have the power to say fukital even as dishes and clothes and life piles up and foolish spending brings savings down...

i mean, it's not as if i am just sitting here writing and waiting for an adorable youtuber or two to come partner with me and send us to unbelievable fame and fortune, right?...

narf :)

living on youtube

so when you can say this is what i did on saturday afternoon then you may have graduated to living on youtube, but being an old fart (which may include anyone who doesn't live somewhere on the internet for at least some of their day), i am slightly amazed at how much familiarity so many youtubers have with each other as if they have like a secret clubhouse where they all meet and laugh and make fun of everyone on and off youtube (but mostly on) and seriously, should i feel sorry for all of them or should i feel left out?... sometimes, sigh... maybe just by asking that question i have a chance of belonging, so i will hope for one or more of them to discover me (oh, discovery, how exciting!) cuz there are some i'd love to curl up on a couch with een if it didn't end in massive orgasms or at the very least satisfying dry humping and a plethora of sexual innuendo or laden with double entendre, even... not too awkward, right?...

perhaps what at&t doesn't know won't hurt them?...

the preceding and following randomly selected and chosen videos do not reflect upon the experience of living on youtube even fractionally (but perhaps fractally) and yet, here are others, m'ok?... not them right?...

what?

crashing

sometimes i get so tired and/or distracted that i forget to push the fast forward button on the remote during the commercials on dvred shows... i mean, how tired or distracted or both can i get, right?... what can i say, we live in a world where negative energy is dominant, where fighting and killing and destruction are glorified and cheered, so i do my best to avoid the influence of the mass of humanity as much as possible and that leaves me on the fringes, left out, alone, and open to wandering and meandering and distractions... today was longer than planned, but i am finally home and finally crashing...

nite nite...

need to sleep

and still the dog must be walked every few hours while i am home so we have a chance of him going ten hours (or more as ten hours is a short day for me) without puking, peeing, or shitting somewhere in the house while i am at work... and tomorrow i need to be at work before 6am, preferably 5:30am so wake up is 4:30am to allow feeding and walking (and maybe shower and making lunch) time and so... need to sleep... and yet and still... not happening yet... the circadian rhythm is just so off that the natural nocturnal clock is dominating and as midnight approaches i am wired and anxiety over knowing the body needs sleep just adds to the awakeness and the tinnitus is screaming and the neck is aching and the head doesn't feel good either (which is the body screaming for sleep even as the mind and nocturnal clock is wide awake)...

maybe i'll make a sammich...

narf...

prophetic shit

yeah, so there was the poor old dog covered in the loose stool he let out in his sleep and then rolled over and got up and let out some more... the kitchen is not smelling pretty and it's already dry, so scrubbing by hand is the only option since we don't have any floor scrubbing tools and there went the $50 of take-out food i bought into the garbage as i started the clean up process which included bathing happiness, scrubbing the kitchen, and throwing out shitty smelly crappy towels and blah blah blah... first we walked for a half an hour to get as much out of him as possible and he tried and tried to squeeze whatever was left in him out, which was nothing because he didn't eat all day... did i mention he puked and peed and shit last night and that is what i woke up to this morning and why he was kept in the kitchen while i was at work today?... definitely not a good day at home... and being hungry did not help (to understate the obvious dramatically)... i won't be sleeping much tonight... and so much to focus on tomorrow... it's as if i felt this shit coming...

narf...

food and drink and dog

yummy drink made with pulverized ice, sweetened condensed milk, and chocolate syrup... serious sugar rush and brain freeze to wash down a salami and provolone sammich (sandwich for many of us) with mayo, yellow, and deli mustards with an appetizer of yogurt (sweet, salty-smoky-bitter, sweet) and dinner was served, consumed, and yummy... did i mention yummy?... oh yeah, yummy...

meanwhile, the dog is refusing to eat and will likely puke or die (please don't joke like that with jackson out of town) and throwing his consumption off like this will increase his chances of having an accident while i am at work tomorrow and so i am not sleeping easy tonight cuz i was waiting up for him to eat so i could walk him again so he would not have an accident or puke during the night because i do not want to clean up anything in the morning before work so... sad happiness gets quite strange when jackson is away and we think we can add some senility to his partial blindness and mostly deafness and arthritis and internal complications including heart murmers and kidney stones and other stuff too... poor old puppy, he barely recognizes me anymore and is scared of his shadow, even flinching when jackson approaches... what a drag it is getting old, yeah yeah yeah... sigh... all joking aside, seriously, sigh...

me, the tv (ncis), the laptop, the dog, and hopefully sleep (more?)...

narf :)

so do something, aye?

there would have been an entry here had i stopped laughing enough between the last entry and this one (not that the last entry was all that amusing, in fact, the sorrow in it is serious and some might consider laughter disrespectful if they were not crazy like us {you and me, right?... but then she forgets and then she gets confused and then she remembers and laughs and cries and i've learned to do the same [omigosh, right?... i may have finally learned to be human... flashback, aye?] and i get so forgetful i am can barely be recognized as me even by jackson and she never knew the me i was before she met the me she knows who can barely be recognized these days even by her, which is not meerly a endlessly serpentine fractal phrase or something like that, after all, but a ridiculously ludicrous side tracking distracting aside within a series of parenthetic asides that lead us wherever you might imagine and simply leave us to take it all as truth on faith because you love and trust, or at least genuinely want to so you'll keep trying, right?} and there may never be anyone who truly gets it all, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you know?) who know there is always hope cuz there is always hope, really there is, i mean, if you want there to be, that is...

so did we do something?...

narf :)

well, it could have been profound, anyway

yeah, anyway, it could have been... might still be too if there is a part eight nine ten and so on somewhere on the horizon or even in some distant future... for now, the day has proceeded into the afternoon and there are things to do other than sit and ramble words into blogs... like college football... and food... and walking the dog... and wondering where jackson went... she definitely avoids home these days... facing reality is tough when denial and delusion was a relatively comfortable status quo for years and even as she falls back into it, i am not going along with it this time so avoiding the space when i am in it is her only alternative to facing reality and making the real changes needed to grow and be balanced and be secure and safe and independent cuz depending on me for her financial survival is not helping her find what she wants in this life... maybe she finally gets it and will make the changes she needs to make in her habits and behaviors and that's enough about jackson as she deserves more privacy than this paragraph might be affording here even if most people would be shocked that i've remained silent for so long and even she knows the silence is not helping, but rather enabling... not having anyone to talk to about it doesn't help... moving along now...

it is a beautiful day with temperatures in the fifties (on the F scale... 12 or 13 on the C scale) and sun shining and air-clearing breezes and all the wonderful sparkles that come when the climate provides a bit of seasonal change and clarity... my choice to stay near home in order to spend as little money as possible limits the pleasures available, but this has been the pattern for some time now as i finally drew a firm line for myself about tapping into savings and i have many thousands of dollars to replenish in savings if i ever wish to retire and travel more leisurely and enjoy life without working (which is a precious time i've enjoyed several times before, as you may now, and hope to enjoy at least one more time before this body stops being alive as we know life at this point in our understanding of it, the universe, and everything...

and yes, it is not fair that the person who helped deplete my savings does not restrict her spending as i do (or contribute much to the living expenses), it is too beautiful a day to wallow too deeply in the downbeats that have been the mood for over a month now... even as i do not see an end to it on the horizon... perhaps a few moment vacation from the dysthymia might be in order...

serious?... you would have to look in my eyes for a while to be sure...

without that, narf :)

statutory stats (part seven)

now there comes a point in any rhetoric, writing, ramble, rant or collection of words and images that one might rightfully ask so what does it all mean for crying out loud?... and when the answer is not simple or obvious (as it seldom is), most people turn to the dictionary or encyclopedia (or for those not wishing to use their own minds, their local news station or religious leader) or some other reference for explanation rather than simply use their own mind and senses to understand what is before them, and this might just be one of those points so if you find yourself wondering and still remaining here (because if you are no longer here, there's little point to this or any point if you get that point), well, this all started (not the blog or life or the universe, by all i mean this series or statutory stat entries, i think) with a thought about the life of this blog over the years and the thought that the page views graph which was included in one of the entries in this series, part six, perhaps, showed a kind of bell curve rise and fall of popularity and readership which leads to the analysis (however cursory) or the number of entries (which does corollate with readership numbers which can add the thought that some of the readers are not actually readers but rather spambots, though we do not seem to be going deeper into the stats than this at this time due to tine constraints and lack of interest and no real desire to bring stats into any sort of maturity of analysis and reasoning and such and maybe most of all the wealth of distractions available to the readers and writers and so on leading us in and out of distracting parenthetic asides and all sorts of mischief and mayhem and amusement...

perhaps why the title came about in the first place... the lack of maturity, aye?...

narf :)

statutory stats (part six)

this might be where some brilliantly obscure reference to some profound concept would lead to a semi-sarcastic aside about the method to my madness that all but a few readers might come close to getting a glimpse of, no less seeing, no less grasping, no less following, but rather than be that brilliant i forge ahead (or is that plod?) through the muck and mire of depressive anemia and other causes that lead to diarrhea of the mind and dysthymia of the spirit (not to mention a nagging, chronic cough that can be scary which is eerily unconnected to the sudden smell of tobacco coming from outside as we realize the neighbors smoke on their porch so i wish the patio door had an auto-close remote because i absolutely detest the suicidal stench of tobacco that so many humans seem to find appealing, or attractive even... stupid suicidal species, that distraction we did not need at all)...

so perhaps it is time to reference these relatively random articles (not of congress, or congrefs, for that matter) that provided a few moments of distraction and literary stuff (or was that simply amusement, perhaps) while i was pondering through the past five entries to come to this point where i present this:

which is the graph of page views since the start of this blog (ignoring the sharp drop off for this month as it includes this month even though this month has only been around for less than twenty-four hours and so there are only these half dozen or so entries for this month so far, but that's beside the point and yet another parenthetic distraction, so nevermind)...

narf
(see next entry)

statutory stats (part five)

and this is as far as i got before the neck pain distracts me (along with the as always incredible staring dog, of course) and powerfully suggests i move the body out of the seated position and into a more comfortable seated position as i am realizing that there is no head support and the body is not actually sitting erect (previous references to erections not withstanding) and the recliner with laptop on lap position is not working as it once did, clearly signs of aging or some sort of ailment like muscle cramps, arteriosclerosis, or thyroid cancer, obviously, but never mind that for we have a mission to accomplish and that relates to the previous four entries in some sort of way as this is part five of one two three what are we fighting four (or something like that... sigh, i remember a time when many loves it when i said that and even claimed they followed some of my meandering babble... sigh again, miss that), after all, so what were we getting to anyway?...

after a pause, which might have been cause for another part to this multi-part entries or series of entries, returning with a long sleeve t-shirt and large towel wrap as it is quite delightfully chilly in this space as the temperatures range between 54 and 57 degrees on my increasingly more unreliable by the day htc not-as-smart-as-i'd-like-it-to-be phone and i found jackson had left the patio door wide open with all the windows open so the place is briskly wonderful from a climate perspective, but that really ought to be beside the point so this entry may not exactly be getting us anyway, wherever we might have been getting too in the first place...

narf
(see next entry)

statutory stats (part four)

are you still here?... gosh, i am flattered... or is that embarrassed?... ah, but you oughta know by now that there is no shame in friends being honest with each other and certainly nothing to be embarrassed about either reading or writing a blog on the net... now i will give you that some paragraphs or phrases or potential ideas might be somewhat awkward if read in a board room or church (or mixed company, whatever that is), but here we are in the privacy of our own coutures (huh?) doing whatever it is we wish to do as we share the solitude of reading (or in my case, writing and reading, not that i am reading as i am writing, but i hope to read what i write someday, at least)... be all that or this or the last few entries or whatever as it may be, there is this:

► 2008 (264)
► 2009 (872)
► 2010 (589)
► 2011 (619)
► 2012 (1553)
► 2013 (1494)
► 2014 (461)

that's the number of entries each year, which may be more revealing than intended if the fill-in storm ever returns (i'd link some sort of explanation for that, but the meteorologist is sleeping... though clues may be sprinkled like bread crumbs through the hourglass and days of our lives {our being the secret never told as lives unwind before our eyes} who's life, what life, how many people are writing these blogs, anyway?... what blogs?... what process?... yes, someday we will process all of the thoughts and ideas and concepts and registrations and trademarks and copyrighted materials and words in all these blogs and the books in boxes in storage in niagara falls where not-so-slowly we turned (but that's another series of stories) and in the immortal words of dan fogelberg, someday we'll all understand)...

narf
(see next entry?)

statutory stats (part three)

and before we get too far off on the tangential planes of wherever, whatever, and elsewhere (another title and concept and phrase and idea i register, trademark, copyright, and legalize all rights and protections under law for profitable purposes for the title phrase and concept wherever, whatever, and elsewhere right here and now in this publicly posted place for anyone, including the library of congress and us patent office and international bodies of protection for writers and creative ideas and all that jazz {not withstanding the slightly diminished capacity of the formality of this legalize by adding such phrases as all that jazz or legalize, even}, but as valid court-worthy as this parenthetic copyright statement and trademark and registration is, that was not the point of this particular entry {or the other two either, for that matter} because, as i was saying, i would have titled this entry that {or this} if i was in the least bit in the mood to reasonable write flambpoyant rhteorical meanderingly brilliant story in the vein of douglas adams, neil gaimen, shakespeare, thoreau, muir, for that matter {or rant, for that matter}, but at this moment i am not writing a wherever, whatever, and elsewhere {or statutory rap}, i am simply registering, trademarking, copyrighting, and in all ways legally protecting the phrase, concept, words, and product of the title that is wherever, whatever, and elsewhere {as i did for statutory rap a couple of entries ago in part one of this entry about stats} and that's our story and we are sticking to it... me too, even)...

so what about the stats, you ask (who asked?... i'll cook you a lasagna feast if you did... just let me know when you are coming over... and if you are mila, milla, meg, jenna, or any of a few other previously purloined pussies {cool cats, be nice}, you can get anything you want at this particular restaurant, so come on down), well, the next entry may pertain a pondering closer to the proposition posed in the previous entries, but for now masturbation is in order (oh come on, i said be nice) lol lam laa...

narf
(see next entry)

statutory stats (part two)

what this entry is about is the observation that this meandering blog that ever so slowly approaching six thousand entry has slowed in production and in viewership as it peaked with approximately five thousand (that is 5,000) views some time back in June, 2012 and has dropped below one thousand (that's 1,000) page views at least a couple of times in recent months (whatever happened to all the people, we wonder, the adoring fans who were coming at the rate of hundreds per day for the blessing of reading these wonderful words (perhaps the same thing that happened to the writer who would have eagerly leaped into actualizing the concept of statutory rap back then when the brain was not fried so and the heart still had enough hope to heal from even the worst betrayals that happened in the past life and year and month or so, aye?...

aye?... is that all we've got now?... no wonder the readers have fled, or at least drifted away... the years show the rise and fall of the blog, this blog, (e)thereal, that is... where's the swimming pool and movie stars?... oh jed, the family has broken up and granny can't be found anywhere, alas... perhaps everyone has returned to the hills...

narf
(see next entry)

statutory stats

this might have been titled statutory rap (a title and concept and phrase and idea i register, trademark, copyright, and legalize all rights and protections under law for profitable purposes for the title phrase and concept statutory rap right here and now in this publicly posted place for anyone, including the library of congress and us patent office and international bodies of protection for writers and creative ideas and all that jazz (not withstanding the slightly diminished capacity of the formality of this legalize by adding such phrases as all that jazz or legalize, even), but as valid or court-worthy as this parenthetic copyright statement and trademark and registration is, that was not the point of this particular entry because, as i was saying, i would have titled this entry that if i was in the least bit in the mood to reasonable write a rhyming rap (or rant, for that matter), but at this moment i am not writing a statutory rap, i am simply registering, trademarking, copyrighting, and in all ways legally protecting the phrase, concept, words, and product of the title that is statutory rap as a business entity, a corporation, and a creative work...

and all that jazz too...

narf...
(see next entry)...

food high

that's all i've got these days... food highs... and they don't last nearly as long or get nearly as high as they used to... the weight of the darkness is just that heavy these days... how long will this tunnel last, i wonder... heck, i hardly even wonder... so much pain under so much sadness under so much apathy... a kid's gotta survive, after all, and wearing pain or sadness doesn't sell well in the world... wearing apathy passes as long as one can fake caring when people are around... or cares so deeply the caring happens even when consciousness doesn't care... nobody looks below the surface, after all...

it isn't this bad all the time, but sometimes...

narf...