yeah, the real

the real is i don't want to talk about it... that is code, after all, of course, but it is also not code... truth is always both, whether we know it or not, or both... even as gas prices drop under $3 a gallon again as it often does just before election day (read whatever you want into that), the life swirling around this blog is in a state of flux and being recorded nowhere, which is a unique kind of elsewhere that exists mostly in the mind, or in someone else's mind if they can read minds or simply care enough, or whatever cuz it's is only words, after all even as the world offers the wonderfully wondrous distractions of others, but that is not the point of this blog, after all...

when record cold makes a body sweat, the elements may be playing tricks on the mind, but the diverging evidence points to an avoidance of (e)thereal and whatever life may have been lived here in these words and while we are not quite yet prepared to move on, we certainly have a crossroads approaching, or perhaps it is all around us already...

whatever is happening, it is happening... someday we'll all understand...

dinner at jeremiah's

well, not exactly at jeremiah's as i just went out to buy dinner at jeremiah's and then brought that dinner back home so dinner was more accurately jeremiah's at home... not a dinner anyone would approve of unless that anyone was as flexible as i am in terms of what's for dinner... jeremiah's sells ice cream... not just ice cream, also italian ices... so a pint of soft serve swirl mixed with a quart of chocolate italian ices to make what jeremiah calls gelati (as opposed to gelato) and i chowed down and yummy yummy yummy jeremiah's in my tummy... taste buds cheered... belly bloated... and the heart and body survived the freeze...

otherwise, i don't want to talk about it...

narf...

trying so hard to be strong

like or not (understand it even less) the continuing saga of bungalow bob will blow your mind (and not pump you up), so get off the merry go round as soon as you find a safe departure point because the mess life can become can sour even the sweetest of intentions (were they ever really perfect?... oh, is that the saddest question ever asked or what?)... what?...

the answer to the question nobody cares to ask is yes...

and narf...

unrest

major unrest, even... so i slip my shorts back on and head back out here to the little brown chair (as opposed to the big green chair... who remembers?) and i sit here and tap the keys cuz the bed is not bringing the sleep i sought there for so many reasons, primarily (at least the most obvious, if most surface reason) the cough keeps the body awake when i lay down (so don't lay down... thank you doctor) so here we are again, somewhat against my will (which is an oxymoron potentially revealing the deeper conflict keeping me awake if you care to dive in and read between the lines (or a few thousand entries in a few dozen blogs, at least), but have no fear, you can remain as oblivious as i appear and still lead a happy blogging life as long as you don't expect anyone to take you seriously or come around, even...

it's a hard knocks life when the smiles are gone, no doubt...

narf...

unsafe

sad suicide living in an unsafe space, but that is life as i've chosen as i remain... when the loss from theft (or is it robbery) is in the many thousands of dollars and insurance will not cover it and the thief may be back at any time, the space feels quite unsafe and how can sleep sleep come when the space feels unsafe?... how can sleep come when there is not more trust?... how can sleep come when all smiles are erased... how can sleep come when respect has been crushed?... peace is a place without threat of invasion... peace is a please where trust is alive... peace is a place that is a safe haven... peace is a place without shuck and jive... peace leaves when unrest arrives... it feels so unsafe here now... i just want to cry...

hey, what's going on (what's the buzz, tell me what's a happening?) hey, what's going down? (what's the buzz, tell me what went wrong?) hey, can you take the knife out of my back (don't twist it any harder) hey, this is such a sad song - it is not where i belong...

but here i am...

old dog, new tricks

as a dog ages things happen... all the wonderful training is forgotten... bladder and bowel control is forgotten... food sometimes comes back up partially digested... eye sight fades to a hazy grey and then to black... hearing dims until only the highest pitched sounds get through... muscles and bones develop pains... heart murmurs, kidney stones, and organ failures increase... behavior becomes quiet weird...

and tonight a nauseating smell fills the living room in spite of the patio door being wide open and the fan being on high because happiness came out and sprayed very stinky very loose piles of feces across a three foot section of carpet and all the cleaning, scrubbing, and spraying did not get the smell out of the carpet or the room... alas, like the last apartment we were in, we'll need to replace the carpet once we go... this is the first time the smell did not go away though, so we'll need to buy or rent a carpet cleaning machine tomorrow or one day soon cuz the stink has me gagging (between the poop and the chemicals, the lingering cough i've been trying to get rid of is definitely back tonight... sleep might not happen for a while)...

sad and annoying, but much more sad...

nagging cough returns

i am letting the cough return, dangit... not that i have total control over everything in nature, but i (and everybody else, yes you too) have a whole lot of control over this body and i can help or hamper the immune system... lately i've been hampering, passively, but still hampering...

a cough is a very delicate thing... it's a vicious cycle, actually... the cough prevent sleep and the body needs sleep to fight the bug causing the cough so medicine is taken to suppress the cough but that stops the cough from doing what it is meant to do which is keep fluid from sliding down the throat into the lungs cuz that leads to much more serious illnesses and ultimately death, which is why i do not take cough suppressants and why i usually do not let a cough get out of hand... focus is the best cure...

distracting circumstances have piled up this month or so...

cough cough cough...

focus on the fun

even as the home situation deteriorates back into the silent lies, usery, and denial that i no longer easily ignore (someday i may explain what i haven't already explained), the best i can do (short of hitting the road again) is focus on the fun and even if no one is interested (at least no one around here beyond acquaintances and distant teammates... had enough wah wah wah-ing yet?), the fantasy league mini-amazing performances happened and i surprisingly won both leagues but even better, the monday night softball team came back from 16-8 down in the bottom of the last inning to tie it and go into extra innings... in the bottom of the last inning i was at the plate with the winning run on first and i took a ball but the guy on first was thrown out trying to steal second... alas... extra innings saw the other team take a two run lead... they play kansas city (or some call it texas) rules in a tie after time expires and that means an automatic runner at second base and just one pitch... a ball and the batter walks, a strike and the batter is out, so it is a lot of pressure on the pitcher to through strikes and on the batter to swing unless there is no doubt that the pitch is a ball... i walked none, threw all strikes, and they scored two runs on a couple of hits... we got up and i lead off with a walk... a few batters later i scored and the guy behind me scored and we had the winning run on second... and after lots of long fly outs one of the power hitters finally burned an outfielder and we won 19-18... after losing two in the bottom of the last inning with this team, it was good to be on the other side of that collapse... fun...

good news is the coach moved me up to fifth cuz he noticed i went 5 for 5 in the first game and have only made two outs in the four games since... it's good to get a little respect... and have fun... especially when it is tough to smile these days... so what else is new?...

narf...

a bit of food heaven

everyone has their own image (as in imagination, which some extend into delusion so strong they will kill for it, but that's a sad aspect of humanity we do not need to bring any further along with us to blemish this otherwise blissful moment, m'ok?) of heaven and one of mine is sensory bliss and one of my favorite senses is those irresistible taste buds and tonight, after waking the writer back up and accepting the disassociative fugue at home these days, i decided to wake up the mind and body a bit (after napping an hour or so earlier) and so instead of going to bed at a sensibly early hour i am experiencing oral orgasms with a mixture of maine lobster spread with temptee whipped cream cheese and publix sweet slaw and a bit of macaroni salad and i don't even need to add chocolate milk (to cut down on the calories) to feel the euphoria that the wonderful world of taste buds can bring...

the tv provides football for a statistical mental distraction which usually works well for my math loving mind...

thank you :)

the numbers are fun

and payton manning breaks another record, the most touchdown passes in a career, and he and his receiver, thomas, help me win one of my fantasy football matches this week... alas, jackson is the loser in this one and it doesn't help her turn around her worst start in her fantasy football career (we have careers in fantasy football... are we sports geeks or what?), but it does healp me stay afloat as i am having one of my worst starts ever as well... her record is 1-5-1 and mine is 4-3... i've got a shot at the playoffs and she does not unless a very unlikely series of injuries happen to key players on every other team, so she's accepted this season as a write off and is being a good sport by playing it out to be fair to everyone... in our other other league, it is currently about the same... she is currently 1-5 and will likely be 1-6 after monday night and i am 3-3 with an outside shot at coming back but the it'll take a huge game from the last running back i have playing monday night... fingers crossed... the playoff picture is about the same as well with her having an extremely slim shot and me having a reasonable shot if i can win some weeks going forward...

in the espn league my opponents have scored 590 points in six weeks, more than anyone else had to overcome (second most is 542) and i've scored 559 in six weeks, second only to 577... that guy's opponents have only scored 466 points and yet he is 3-3 too... jackson's opponents have only scored 486 points, but her team has only scored 397 points, lowest in the league so far by a lot... alas... in the other league, i am about in the middle in stats... jackson is at the bottom in both points for and points against... it's a hard knocks life, or something like that...

still, win or lose, for me the numbers are fun... and fun is fun :)

a week blinked by

and perhaps i will make time to fill in the gaps in dates but for the moment, we are going through a relatively silent phase primarily because life is so full of stuff to do with work taking seventy or more hours a week and softball taking another six to eight hours and the basics (eating, bathing, and so on) taking at least a couple or few hours a day and sleep hopefully taking six to eight hours a day and what's that?... probably most if not all the hours in a day/week and the few hours i might have to relax i vege in front of the tv because i don't want to think about home life where i've left recent events rather in limbo, flux, or some sort of disassociative fugue because, well, there is no simple or immediate solution that satisfies me even a little so i avoid and if you know me, that sucks for me and leaves me relatively silent as words bring clarity and truth and the last thing i want right now is to have clarity and truth at home...

no worries, this entry will most likely be replaced before it is noticed as my pauses are usually light and fluffy cuz i like it that way...

wanna barf, but narf...

the tocs know

perhaps it was meant to be tic toc tic toc as in time knows, but originally the toc referred to table of contents which is wa behind in uploads but found here and the answer to the previous questions about actual chronological order of writings as opposed to the time date stamps on entries is found in the tocs (even as i've grown too lazy and too busy to type out titles, the links remain in the order of being written)...

now you know the secrets of blog time...

narf :)

what if they don't flow?

i think that sometimes when i am rambling on in broken babble because stuff in the head wants to come out because babbling feels good and releases anxiety and endorphins and yet i think about the flow of entries as they may be read in chronological order someday and wonder how much different the experience of reading will be after all the entries written long after the date stamped dates are inserted (not that i do that all the time, but it does happen) as that is kind of like changing the future as anyone who has read the entries before the new ones are inserted get a different journey through words than those who read after entries are inserted and it could be an ever changing experience read over and over and so, what if they don't flow?...

would you stand up and walk out on me?...

narf :)

the animals know

when humans do stupid things, the animals know... whether they have a sense of empathy or read body language or somehow see auras or whatever, animals pick up on unspoken queues, vibs, something they sense that lets them know when people are approachable or not and more, when people are stupid... it may seem random, like an entry inserted haphazardly to fill a missing date, but it is an understanding beyond human comprehension... some animals stay away from stupid people, some seem to be attracted to them, but most are attracted to positive energy, clarity, and nurturing... do you give off a nurturing vib?... the animals know...

happiness and curious are all over me tonight...

whenever tonight might have been...

narf :)

what's missing

besides love and fortune and fame, i mean, is the mundane... last year and the year before i had much more time to babble in brief segments about every little thing that happened as the minutes and hours and days passed (or did i pass through them?... time and space is such an interesting concept), but this year i have been working many more hours than last year which leaves much less time, but even more... the biggest reason every little thing is not being recorded here for posterity is there are major disappointments and frustrations and hurts this year that i lead me to distraction away from the written words because the written words explore everything and i don't want everything explored these days cuz it would not be a happy home or head if it was, or something like that...

so do you miss the 100+ entries a month or are you sufficiently satiated by the random flurry of entries this year has given you?... come on now, let me know... you make it so hard to please you (that's what she said?), but apparently that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, you like it... i don't want to be serious, serious is no fun these days... the cat just hopped up next to me wanting my hand so i type the rest of this entry with one hand and it will be randomly inserted somewhere last month or so just because...

anybody care?...

narf :)

almost a great day in softball

so we won the first game 9-3 and i was pitching well enough to shut down the other team... and the second game i was cruising and we were up 9-1 in the sixth when the team we were playing, the first place undefeated team, came around for the third time in their lineup and they found the ball better and the defense behind me collapsed and the game ended 10-9, they remain undefeated and we blew it again... strange team, this monday night team... but i am playing for free around the corner from home so i am fine with it... would like a few more nights around the corner from home, actually... might actually wake the body up and lose some weight and remember what it feels like to be alive in a body in good shape... the best news is the right hamstring was ok after i stretched it and took it easy running... i went five for seven with a walks in the two games, though if my hamstring was not a concern i would have beat out one of the outs... with two outs in the seventh i got on with a walk... tying run on base... next guy got a hit and the tying run was on second and the winning run on first... next guy flew out to right, game over... heartbreaker cuz we had the game in our pocket until the defense collapsed in the sixth...

we won the first game, aye?...

narf :)

good day in softball

jackson played her first game with her all girls team at 9am and they won, then we played two games with our open (male/female) team and we won both games... then we went to the afternoon league and won the upper division (more competitive teams) championship game 8-2 so we are the champions yeah yeah yeah... see facebook photos... and then the next season started right away and we won the first game of the new season (though jackson and i are not playing in the sunday afternoon league this season, we just played today so we are eligible to sub for them if necessary)... and then jackson played in another game as a sub and won that game too... so we went 6-0 in six games today, which makes for a good day in softball...

exhaustion, especially since the upper respiratory infection that i appear to have is still kicking the body around... and not eating all day didn't help... we went out for burgers tonight and they overcooked mine which happens way too often so i wonder why i even eat burgers out anymore... we don't eat a whole lot of cow anyway... but anyway, exhausted... and yet, i still find myself awake hoping for something more...

still a good day in softball :)

fantasy football blues

it doesn't help that i forget to check the lineup each week so i am finding the optimal lineup is not in for the game when i check after the games are played, but overall my teams are not doing too well... still, i am doing better than jackson who's teams are really starting off poorly... we each won a league in the past couple of years but this year looks rough for both of us... we jumped into friens drafts without doing any research, which didn't help, but the luck of the draw has not fallen with us yet... for instance today i scored, so far, thirty points more than any other team in the league except for the team i am playing (head to head) who scored fifty points more than any other team in the league (twenty more than me)... in my other league my players sucked a lot this week and the only thing that could save me is an amazing second half by my quarterback and an amazing game by my monday night kicker... never say never, but we can say unlikely... hopefully there will be better news the rest of the season for both of us (jackson and me)...

it was a good day in softball though :)

narf :)

every available moment

yes i used to use every available moment to sit at the computer and write a few words just to clear the mind just to release the clutter just to resolve any issues producing negative energy just the level just to balance just to free and now i sit and vegetate letting the mind stew without literary pondering or free association or any sort of visual reflection of thought or feeling so no wonder it gets clogged and messy up there and that becomes confusion and apathy and frustration and unresolved issues and sadness and worse in the life rushed through without pause for thought release...

cluttered mind, cluttered space, cluttered life... no room for peace, love, and happiness...

so when you think you are relaxing just staring into space think again if you are not clearing your mind... your mind is a cobweb of thoughts and feeling and everything must be left behind neatly stored in memory so more new experiences can be fresh as ever and not tainted by clutter or unresolved issues so find your way to do it to level to balance to free... to clear your mind...

narf :)

closer to euphoria

it comes and goes and there are many ways to get here (for instance, to name one i use) and then (suddenly, for the drama) i remembered that last night i was remembering (profound pause) the last time i was popular (in that fifteen minutes of fame, internet style, sort of meaning) and then i remembered even more before the internet and then i remembered being loved and i sighed and now, i am sighing again... sighing also moves me along the path to euphoria... and running and loving and several other activities too... when we get to singing i am in the fast lane...

but tonight (sudden sound of screeching brakes) i must shower and hope for sleep as i must head back to the work place tomorrow, cold or no cold... alas, even for the moment, it is good to be closer to euphoria again... hope you find your way too...

narf :)

whining gets the crap out

life produces crap, especially when perfection is not happening... and perfection has not happened for quite some time as i have allowed the imbalances that comes so natural to humans influence my own internal processes and decisions and that produces a lot of internal crap like self-pity and self-defeating attitudes and self-depreciating perspectives and self-destructive tendencies and did i mention self-pity and more crap so i whine and that gets the crap out... some drink or smoke or hurt others, i whine...

after the whining i am usually closer to euphoria again...

narf :)

the dog won't let me be

all i want to do is sleep... all he wants is to go out and to eat and to wake me... i can't get any rest unless i lock myself in the bedroom and then i am couching laying down... i need the recliner... i don't want to lock him in the bedroom, but he really is not being fair... this is how he gets when i am home all day... you may remember previous entries like this one, especially back when i was no0t working for a while... the past two days i've been home trying to sleep between coughs and every time i cough and wake (which is way too often), happiness thinks it is time to go outside... or to eat... i am getting cranky... that's what happens when i am feeling needier than the dog... ruff...

and the stress has me coughing more again... giving into this cold is stupid... of course that is also night time coughing and also eating coughing since i finally ate something and mistakenly ate cheese because there was nothing else i wanted and now the mucous is flowing again... and the dog is begging me crazy...

peace...

shells are hard

what can i do to get you out of your shell?... for so long you've been silent, it may feel like the biblical hell... what can i do to get you to share something?... for so long you've been sharing nothing, at least nothing here, nothing i have seen... give me a sign, a link to your mind, something i can find somewhere... because i care and i want you to know i care and i know you're out there, somewhere... maybe deep in despair... maybe going nowhere... maybe counting the threads in your old underwear... you are somewhere and i know you care, somewhere inside, it may hide, but i know you care...

so silent on your shelf... wish you'd express yourself... your friend is still here...

five hits, tough loss

the good news is the team i subbed for tonight wants me to pitch for them every week and i pitched and hit well going five for five from the last line-up spot and keeping a great hitting team off balance... the bad news is they came back to tie it 8-8 in the fifth, then they came back to tie it again 13-13 in the seventh, and then they won 15-14 in the eighth... given we were playing with three outfielders and the other team had power hitters (they hit the fence three times) and the middle of our line-up did not hit well at all, we did very well to hang in and take it to eight innings... there was even a delay as the lights went out with me on the mound with two outs, bases loaded, a 1-2 count on the batter, and the score tied 8-8... when the lights came back on i got the guy to foul two off for the third out... still, they were a better team overall, especially when we were fielding only nine players... the team we played is 2-1 and their only loss is to the first place 2-0 team... before today the team i just joined was 0-2...

not bad on one hour of sleep with a major head cold bug... yeah, another entry...

as are many dozens of others waiting for time...

narf :)

was going to sleep today

i was, i was, i was going to sleep today... but the world got in the way... even though i stayed home, work called and called and emailed and called and texted and called, a few dozen contacts at least... so many solutions to provide, some took some time, and other work to do and then, helping a friend...

jackson is climbing out of a hole of her own creation and it is a critical juncture in the process and it requires much coaching and firmness and tenderness and cheering and tough love and some confrontation and ultimatum and other delicate stuff...

and the body fights the cold bug, cough, cough... softball tonight, sleep?... so desperately needed but then, priorities are set... maybe later tonight... i've pulled all-nighters before and had busy days after...

of course i was much younger then...

narf :)

and the blog rolls on

one hour of sleep with a major head cold bug lodged in the head and doing it's best to invade the lungs and throat and muscles... did i mention the recent stressors that have reached a scale somewhere between 7 and 8 on any scale of stressors we might use?... still will kick butt in softball some time later in spite of the sleepless state... and still took care of business at work and at home... juggling the medicine balls these days, and loving every minute of it...

meanwhile, in other news, there are dozens of entries, many dozens, actually, percolating between brain and the written word destined to make it seem like there was barely a moment i recent time without an entry, no less a whole day... it may take time to fill the time, but that is the relativity of it, after all... time, that is... and the blog rolls on...

narf :)

not a night for sleeping

in spite of a serious cold/flu bug i let get a strong foothold in the past few days (due to that old self-pity weakness humans taught me long ago) and needing to be at work tomorrow morning just hours away and wanting to just lay down and sleep (or just vegetate) for a week or whenever cuz, well, we'll get to that someday and probably upload it before now, elsewhere, even, i sit up seeking distraction in food and tv and writing and anywhere, yes anywhere (it must be a major avoidance event, aye?) and it is barely working as the blankness i seek is hardly filling the mind as the painfulness and sorrow of betrayal of trust remains like a siren piercing through everything everywhere in every way (and that is not a that's what she said joke) and (did this sentence run on a bit?... have i lost control of the point it started out to make?... will there be rain in the forecast tomorrow?... has the price of rhubarb in china matched the price of rutabagas in poland?... these and other mind-numbingly meaningless questions will not be answered tonight, but rather, maybe never, unless somehow something brnigs us back here for some reason to discuss the matters), i remain awake...

what?...

upside down

been away, but all distractions aside, sometimes life gets upside down... something changes so dramatically that a most basic fundamental aspect of life as we know it changes completely reversing the way it was... black becomes white (or vice versa)... it goes beyond simply altering time and space, like when relocating to an entirely new area or when a partner leaves and a relationship ends... it is a flick of a switch that changes something most dear, most trusted, most secure in a life... such an experience is where i am at this moment... i have been adjusting for the past thirty six hours, give or take a few... so much sadness, there is mostly numbness... and no one can know as no one is around who can be trusted, not even jackson... can we just go back in time...

some time some where before or after now i may explain in more detail...

been here before, let's just call it another betrayal of trust...

for now, i adjust...

narf . . .

when extravagant becomes foolish

quite suddenly i am more than five thousand dollars short in the grand savings plan for retirement and all that future stuff that is a whole lot closer than it was when i first started this working life... now being rather carefree with cash and living in the moment so much, i've actually gone through savings rather completely a few or more times in this life... zeroing out the bank account and all material world stuff is not the wisest move in this life, but then, for better or worse (and other reasons), wisdom is not always the guiding force behind all decisions (i mean, just look around at humanity, aye?)... i don't know, maybe i like being completely free of everything material now and then and the freedom of living on the street (or a nice comfy park) somehow appeals to me on some cosmic level... anyway, this last chapter of visiting the working world and saving for retirement has hit a major bump and that was not planned, completely not planned, shockingly suddenly intensely not planned... so someone took five grand from my savings and what hurts most is i trust almost no one (but not no one) with access to my savings plan so the betrayal of such unconditional trust tears me apart once again as it has a few times in this life and that really sucks so much that i just want to stop the world and get off...

so for better or worse, i am once again on course for the street (or a nice comfy park) once this body no longer has the energy to work for money (or when i finally tire of it for the last time in this life) and like that gesethemene song says, it's harder when it comes at the hand of a friend... trusting people has not worked out well for me in this life...

but foolish is still better than alone, i guess, so i still don't want to change...

la la la...

splurging

$222 for three tickets to see Melissa Etheridge (though I'll sell one to someone... the other is for jackson)... $225 for chinese food (creating a chinese buffet at home is not cheap, ya know?)... that's just today... $480 for two season tickets to ucf football (one for jackson)... $2000 for a week in dallas (the hilton is a nice place to stay, comfy with yummy room service food)... $300 to fix jackson's brakes.... $250 to take care of happiness... and all the expenses for living (rent, utilities, food, and so on... for two as jackson has not been able to put any money into expenses for some time... again)... so splurging today on melissa and chinese food was probably not wise, but it is done and the excitement of the food and the concert is worth it...

who knew the world would come crashing down...

narf...

abandoned september

yes, it certainly was not fair to september as i was building to a climax but the fun and frolic (and stress and responsibilities) of life distracted me from my appointed tasks and now i will likely attempt to fill in all the empty time and space (as in entries) even though it will not change the stats (as the time space continuum can only be manipulated so much, after all) as if any of this or that matters in the big picture, as if anybody really sees (or cares about) the big picture, after all, and all that, after all (there are so many after alls, after all), who sees the connection between the momentary decision to smoke a cigarette and the cancer that could come later in life or how about our daily drive to work and the starving children all over this planet or similarity between a virus and humanity, for that matter... and can anyone explain to me why so many religious leaders sexually abuse children or others in their so called flock?... who is in charge of all this nonsense we call life, anyway?...

meanwhile, september did not have as many page views as august even as it was on track to until i paused to go to dallas to play in a softball world series for the sunday morning league and that's not fair either...

yeah, gotta keep our priorities in order and all that...

narf (tongue protuding :)