stay awake stay awake tonight

counting nineteen stars and who cares for no one even knows the song that no one hears and wondering if that is why i gave up singing or did the words simply lose their meaning as the people went away and the sharing stopped so suddenly again and again and all we can say is give peace a chance... stay awake stay awake tonight because the work clothes are in the washer and they will wrinkle badly if left there until morning and come morning there will be no clean clothes for work so how can you get your pudding if you don't eat your meat, after all... it's a small world, i know... push push push world as sleep calls as much from sugar coma as sadness and fatigue and the whole of the moon but the chocolate ganache cake was oh so good and it fends off the blackened blues and i do appreciate you being 'round, cha cha cha...

would you like to swing on a star?...

narf :}

another sleepless night

listening to some sad music and yet, is there still hope within the saddest of songs for me as i've always found in this life?... the question is not a good sign as the certainty fades with the passing years... sometimes i start at song four, maybe when i am sadder like tonight (hello darkness my old friend) or maybe just when i am opening myself more to the infinite possibilities and not just sailing on ego (which is all we can do inside, after all, especially alone)... speak your mind if you have a thought you'd like to share... i'd like to hear it... and after wandering over to the internet (what, where has facebook been, after all?... wide awake at 4am or independent views or change america or that dog, ma, even if you can find me or something worthwhile, even) for a few minutes, or half an hour, perhaps, i found smiles (but i still haven't found what i'm looking for)... and i will need to explore this one in more depth before i like, but i found this chinese medicine (no seriously, lol) there... or maybe i should check this out and on and on... and no, it is not porn, but it is nudity (and sad vaginas, really)...

so with all that being just the tip of the wandering i did tonight, i looked up zerg rush on google and played a zamboni game and sail off into the blue now... again...

nite nite...

stuffing the face

it is my coping mechanism and there is a whole lot of coping going on (now there is a musical title if we ever had one, but the chuckles are so strained and pained at the moment, it's a sad time for the life in (e)thereal and only jackson really knows a few of the actual details as i don't have anyone else as close anymore... so tired of the betrayals and insensitivities of people, i am withdrawing from human contacts more and more... keeping one close though, that may be the saving grace... maybe... or it may be insecurity... or egomania... or simply loneliness... or something else entirely... in any case, jackson remains because she must, she is dependent on me.. and i believe she cares as much as she can... so i am not completely alone, not completely isolated, even if no one nearby even knows this blog exists, or is interested in knowing me this much... and a whole lot probably doesn't go here, being filtered even when i don't mean to filter cuz, after all, i strive mightily to respect others privacy... it's a way of life...

so after more than a month of strict no-spending, almost $200 was splurged on food in the past two days... pizza heaven, chocolate heaven, and even chips and dip heaven... nothing like the new dominion angels version of heaven, but then every, maybe... cuz every double edge sword cuts both ways...

if only the taste buds understood what they do to the heart, alas, who lives forever, la la la...

and what else is new, aye?...

narf :)

sleepiness comes

so i indulged in a pizza, a deep dish (sicilian) with extra cheese and pepperoni... and i ate the whole thing, believe it... emotional eating does not care when the belly is actually full, emotional eating is all about the taste buds and the taste buds are relatively insatiable so the whole pizza went down cuz not only was it super scrumptious delicious, there were redundancies involved, like majors stressors, anger, depression, loneliness, betrayal, and the usual pretense involved, at least...

even craig ferguson is still loving on mila kunis and other lecherous innuendo... and who cares, i mean, really, who cares?...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

gave in tonight

the worst night of this life, perhaps, because i gave into age... that is sad... that is dying... sigh... i wonder what tomorrow will bring...

there i go making light of it, but it's done... and i am torn between being angry and depressed...

narf...

people suck

sometimes i feel that... i feel that more than ever these days... people are selfish and superficial and only out for themselves... and i am still looking for an honest person, but people lie to themselves so often i have never met one... most people are so delusional, truth is beyond their perception... i would love to find one person who would prove me wrong in the real world... online i know some people seem to not suck, but in the physical world, people make suicidal choices every day and most are so depressed they give up responsibility for themselves and just go through the motions blaming everybody or worse, pretend that everything is beautiful in it's own way... but most people, deep down, either pretend they don't see the suckage or simply believe people suck...

if i am wrong, i hope i find that out before this body dies...

narf...

stress at work

major changes at work is putting a lot of pressure on everyone and some people, including my managers, are turning on each other and at least one is aiming their frustration at me, which is quite frustrating... but what is even more frustrating is that i am not getting support from corporate anymore and even worse, the loudest complainers are getting support so i've got to back down and let them get away with poor performance and some dangerous defiance that is putting clients at risk while blaming management for not taking action and the action we are not taking is the action corporate will not allow us to take... a recipe for failure, so the idyllic corporation is showing some serious incompetence... my mistake is asking them to stop dragging their feet on the plans they keep saying they have and simply to live up to the mission statement and ideals they keep professing they want every staff to extol... alas, people are so afraid of change, they undermine their own good ideas right at the top and shoot down the actions i take to put their ideas into practice...

so we shall stop the improvements in care and services and allow staff to remain in conflict, disorganized, and the lazy ones will continue to complain and undermine morale because they are complaining too loud and the corporate answer is to give them what they want so they don't leave because too many of them are leaving... never mind that the plan was to hold those same staff accountable and if they did not improve, terminate them and not replace them... suddenly the plan changed because the turnover statistics don't look good for the board of directors who really have no clue what is going on when it comes to client care...

sad, even the corporations who profess high ideals and teamwork fall for the same fears of change... so i will put the brakes on the improvements because my boss says i should and sit and wait and see what happens... how that could possibly raise moral i don't know, but i know how to follow my bosses instructions, even is she lets one of my directors or managers disregard mine... that is increasing stress at work, but it's supposed to raise morale... it doesn't have to make sense, it's corporate thinking...

just do it...

making it up as i go along

yes, could be... or could be record of the life lived which at last report was still missing... meanwhile, in (e)thereal world, who knows what might be going on because nobody really shares the truth and depths with me (or cares, even) and the surface is so transient and pretentious and easily manipulated to be what we want it to be that, well, anything is possible and all this may or may not be what is really happening...

or it could just be the pressure of poverty, relatively speaking... first world poverty that comes from spending more than earning... supporting two people on my salary and paying off a new car has been unpleasantly detrimental to my savings and any chance i have of retiring any time in this life without a sudden and quite unexpected windfall and the past month plus i simply stopped spending on anything but gas and eating all of the stored foods in the house is sad and stressful and really rather distracting...

so what's really going on?... there's only one way to find out, but she's not here... the one, ya know?...

still the same old story...

narf too :)

not so cleverness

cuz i want to give you, the future reader, the impression that i cam here every day to write something about life or (e)thereal or whatever this blog was meant to be cuz, well, i dream a bass will join me and fill the bottom in (actually, i'd rather be on the bottom and i'd rather a feminine instrument, but hey, who am i to get what i want, anyway), i present the following filler (or this entry, even)... but we will naturally ignore this confessional in order to procreate the illusion that brilliance is genius and amazing concepts may be found within the rambling phrases strung together with random precision and the occasional casual guffaw... jest, even...

so whether cleverness or creativity or confusion posing as one or the other or both, it is my genuine hope that you find yourself amused and even value the time you spent reading, even if sometimes it is purely for the word play and not for any profound meaningful experience...

saving the world doesn't happen every day, after all... or entry, even...

narf :)

but there's always the catching up

and who doesn't like catsup?... well, me, for one... it is ketchup or nothing for me... and most anything goes with ketchup, in case you didn't know... cuz it's so sweet and salty and delicious, from earliest taste buds through today, my favorite condiment... cuz chocolate is not a condiment, right?... and so, here we are again as if we've always been... and what's up with you?...

i am pleasantly surprised every time you answer, you know?... not just cuz it is rare, but also cuz i am closer than ever to giving up on really sharing life with a partner or anyway, for that matter... at least i have a roommate who at least superficially calls me bff, which is much sweeter than wine... or beer... or any other delusionary cure for whatever ails humanity...

mostly working... burning out a bit... finally hitting road blocks and opposition to my ideas and judgments... but that is what happens when i am too nice to people and they betray trust to hide their incompetence... so rope they shall get and more, exactly what they want, autonomy... sink or swim, you're on your own...

other than work, there's softball and food and tv/dvr and less than ever, the writing and even less than ever, the internet... living alone even with a roommate, living life, still trying to enjoy every minute of it...

and you? :)

slowing the flow

of words and more... working 80 hours a week with 60 of them at the workplace and an hour of travel time there and back cuts back on the time for everything else and assessing the changes since i started this new job last year, i exercise less (which is seriously wrong) and i write less (which is just not right and one reason i exercise less) and sleep less (which is not healthy either) and grump more (as jackson can attest) and eat less healthy (rushed) and drinking more caffeine (to the point where i feel the withdrawal again when i pause a day or two, very bad) gained weight (suicide) and rarely see friends or play games with others (sad) and... probably other things... the only thing that hasn't changed is softball... i play about the same amount as i did the last decade or so, though i definitely am less active on the field... fielding slower due to the weight and fatigue... alas, the working life does take many years off the life and does make for a dull boy who has little time for friends or anything else, but at least i do love the work...

the weekends are times i don't want to do anything but rest, but there must be more balance in everything i do, so i shall see what this next week and month brings as i have softball scheduled every evening and at least four evenings a week for the next five weeks... burn out or balance, something's gotta give :)

the limits we accept

while temporarily somewhere else, i thought the mind is a sponge for information and most might accept that it has a mind of it's own, but those who know better understand that the mind takes direction from the heart and while there are those who might believe the heart and emotions drive their own bus, those who know better are aware that the driver is the mind, even as the paradox eludes nost who know better and perhaps even you reading these words right now... it's all very complicated when it's simplicity is feared... quotable potables, and all that jazz... now you could understand, or you could just turn on the tv and let it tell you what to believe...

of course the seriousness is irreverent (or the irreverence is serious, depending on your point of view), how else would the pill go down?... yes, i know, sometimes even (e)thereal wanders off on a tangent, i mean, even rimbaud was trapped in his times...

there was this gap here

and rather than pretend nothing was going on, we will complete this testimonial that something was going on, even if it wasn't recorded at the time... see, that's the thing about it, you never know when it will happen and there may not be time or motivation to record it in words, but it still happens, after all, and that is what matters... of course not everything can taste like bacon, but ice cream can be delicious even when it doesn't... especially when squished between to soft chocolate chip cockies with extra chips... how can you go wrong with extra chips, ya know?...

so sometimes i just provide some rambling message like this to give you something to read cuz i care about you and do not want you to go through your day without something to read... right here, even... or perhaps its just my ego hoping for some attention and recognition and idolation... adulation?... undulation?... well, we can be pretty certain i am not looking for constipation, cuz that hurts and i am not really into pain... how about you?...

maybe you'll appreciate it like it has value, even...

narf :)

not another secret

tucked away amid the mist of egocentric self-mockery the secrets dance and sing for those who find them... alone again, but maybe not so naturally for the heart lives to share love unconditionally and trust even more, impossible to say or maybe do, it is what i want to offer you... maybe you were the one in another life and i was the one in this one and that is why we never found each other or maybe we were meant to spend only the last moment of this life together to tejoice or mourne the passing fancy that this life may have been... if we knew the answer we would be too bored to go on alone, so we don't... until you get here... and then we will...

so so so so so what?...

narf :}

a message for old lovers

did you ever really care or were you just using me and was i just using you even though i really cared cuz i know i am still caring and wondering where you are and wishing we could still be closer friends than we have been in recent years and maybe i'm just crazy but i still believe in love that never ends and a world in which friends and lovers are still friends...

i dream of a world where people care and love is forever and friends never end...

you?...

but life is still fun

working 14 hours days and bringing more work home is not all i want to do, but there's been no softball for ten days or so and i am going through some odd sort of withdrawals and do not seem to be motivated to do any other exercise lately... hmmmm... batting cages on the way home is an idea that just got some attention from the boys in the band who've been sleeping for quite some time... music, that is what is missing... tv is not enough...

all by myself, don't wanna be...

hey, it coulda been feelings...

woah woah woah, what?...

lol lam narf :)

sad to see soccer

51 people traveled to represent the usa in the fifa world cup this year and landon donovan was not one of them... shortly after he was snubbed by the coach who stated he does not believe the usa can win (what kind of coach says that?... if you don't believe you can win, you guarantee yourself a loss), just a week or so after landon donovan was deemed not good enough to represent the usa, landon broke the mls goal scoring record... but he was not good enough to represent the usa in soccer this year according to the coach who does not want to win... and tonight, in their first game, they've had two muscle injuries... th coach who does not want to win prepared the players so poorly two are injured in the first cup game... no logic... no loyalty... just a coach who wants to lose... i find myself ambivalent about the usa soccer team this year because i believe in fairness and logic and positivity and the usa team is coached by someone who does not know those words... i do not want him to celebrate his betrayal...

alas, at least san antonio got justice this year...

narf...

perhaps it's just a preponderance of the ponderings

for no apparent reason, or whatever, if you ever want to check your password strength, this is a not a good place to check your password strength... while it seems to be great and even fun, if you read the disclaimer above the passowrd entry box "NEVER ENTER YOUR REAL PASSWORD." then it kind of becomes useless for checking your password unless you enter a password and then change every character to something similar to the password you entered and that is a pretty tedious task for a password like G4a#N24q8Pd@l!us which the Tianhe-2 can likely decrypt in 1769 centuries, but nothing less powerful can crack in a reasonably measurable time estimate...

just in case you were wondering (there are no secrets, after all)... what?...

narf :)

oh, and PS... I was more meaningfully serious in previous entries...

just in case you missed them...

narf again :)

did they think a lot on the Ponderosa?

narf squared? lol lam :)

for the few listening

or reading, to be more precise (though connecting may be even more accurate, i hope), i have been babbling on elsewhere (shhhhh, it's a secret) with such simple variations on the theme that the bipolarity might not even be noticed by those reading as most live, superficiality... but anyway, the travels through the babbling brooks of my mind are busy this week even though i don't have time to put words here much... something's got to give... but at least this weekend i am not giving all of my computer time to work like the past few weekends... a lot more than a few, actually... and i must head in to work early monday morning, very early, before sunrise, but i am giving this weekend to myself for vegetative relaxation and whatever distraction catches my eye... mostly, it's tv with the occasional emo... there is some worth on tv now and then... at the moment, this matters to me... and then there's the internet, alas, which reminds me that i so seldom browse anymore (used to keep track, if you recall... have hundreds of entries waiting to be added there... anyway, we can learn almost anything on the internet... i do it all the time, how about you?... not just mind games, learning... wake up your brain, it's still in there (nyuk?... nyuk?... bueler?)... nova has good stuff...

home is in a state of flux more than ever... economically, i am in street mode, that is, i spend as little as possible... sucks to live that way, but with the added expense of the new car payment and inconsistent money from jackson, i had to pull the emergency brake and put the wallet in park... only essentials, like this week, gas... that's it (until tonight when i foolishly splurged on junk the body and wallet do not need, but the discipline of the emergency brake is not perfect)... all food came from house stores... it's been that way for more than a month except for a few splurges with jackson and her family and one splurge last week with helen... needless to say, my social life has been put on hold... luckily i am adept at self-amusement and work all the time...

not fun, no easy, but necessary until jackson finds a way to cover her share of the bills... that's probably a big reason i don't come here much... not much to say... and i definitely do not want to whine about finances or violate jackson's privacy any more than i already do... she's not happy with her current irresponsibility and surely doesn't want anyone to know, so don't tell... everything's big random secret, after all...

meanwhile, was this entry ever uploaded?... i mean, with all due respect (and much meaningless fanfare), the fate of the world may hang in the balances, after all...

narf lol lam laa, narf :)

fuck depression

then again, maybe not... we wouldn't want depression to reproduce, after all... yeah, i know, bad joke, especially for anyone who is depressed... or maybe not... maybe it got a chuckle out of my depressed readers... it did from me, but then my depression is quite unique and ever changing and combined with the fact that my perspective is quite unique and every change and added to the fact that this entry may be quite unique and every change, well, it could just be my warped mind amused by the multi-layered meanings of the word fuck, especially in this context)... feel free to let me know... but bad (or good) jokes aside, fuck depression...

oh, did i write fuck?... i apologize to the offended, i meant to say frick or frack or something like that... my bad... i'll be sure to censor myself next time... if i remember... did you miss the point now?... get in line...

ok, so anyway, to be seriously serious for as long as we can stand it, we are all depressed to some extent... or repressed... or suppressed... or something like that... no one uses their whole mind, in fact, most people use a fraction or a percent of their brain... and even that tiny part is clouded in fears and doubts and thinking errors that prevent awareness and enlightenment and positivity and the energy of the eternal infinity and multiverse from shining through... is there any mind in a human that can be truly compared to a bright and sunny day?... continuing the weather analogy, most human minds are quite cloudy, even stormy, and quite cloaked in darkness...

it (the collective consciousness of humans) is not as dark as it was a few hundred years ago, or six or seven hundred years ago, but just a hundred years ago so much more ignorance was dominant in the collective knowledge and beliefs of humanity... and even today, ignorance and delusion dominate most human minds... depression is a natural outcome from that, for ignorance and delusion are quite confusing and scary for the part of the mind that seeks truth and logic and what is right... something is wrong or something feels wrong defines depression... something feels wrong and i just don't know why... and eventually, i just don't care anymore...

it is the helplessness of the dark cloud of not knowing just what is wrong or even worse, knowing what is wrong at least on the surface (life sucks, loss of loved one, job, money, freedom, or anything meaningful missing or gone in a life) and not knowing how to fix it... the helplessness of seeing no way to fix what is wrong, no way out of the sadness of losing what you had... that sucks like depression...

but how can any intelligent sensitive human not feel sad, deeply sad, and some level of depression at this point in time of the development of the human species... anyone daring to be aware of humans do sees the insanity, the suicidal choices, the cruel actions... from choosing to put poisons into our own mouths daily to poisoning the air and water that sustains our lives to indirectly ignoring the hunger and disease and violence most humans face daily to directly killing people under flags of moral righteousness, patriotism, or national security, the human race makes no sense in the suicidal, violence, and cruel choices we make every day...

so how not to be depressed?...

well (here comes my radical controversial cure-all to save the world, are you excited yet?... well, you are smiling somewhere inside at my incorrigible optimism and infinite (absurd, perhaps) sense of humor, if you love me, so that's a start)...

yes, so returning to seriousness as much as possible now, in my experience, most depression is not brought on by the weight of the world out there, most depression comes from how one perceives and processes personal tragedies, personal failures, personal confusion... for most, confusion or the unknown is too scary to live with for long so the mind shuts down after a while and all a body feels is sadness or numbness... for many, tragedy, loss, or pain, can be overwhelming to an unprepared mind (or a mind fear-driven as are most human minds) and synapses overloaded lead to loss of control and emotional overload leads to emotional shut down, numbness, depression...

humans are so egocentric (me too, but we see that all the time so let's look at the bigger picture for this entry at least, m'ok?)... that is, most do not see perspectives beyond their individual personal experience without much conscious effort (and most make none, which is why enlightening experiences, even books, movies, songs, feel like revelations and awe happens so often)... most humans do not see a bigger picture than the narrow view of their personal daily experiences...

most humans are insensitive... that is, being egocentric most have little or no empathy... most, at their core, want what they want and have little interest in compromise or reciprocal satisfaction, which is why most human relationships are not truly satisfying and do not last a lifetime, no less a decade... and that is sad... very sad... yes, that in itself is downright depressing on every level, but especially for the human living primarily, if not only in the egocentric, personal experience bubble... something goes very wrong, life seems to crash down around, suddenly, even, and there seems to be no way out because seeing the big picture, conscious awareness of the possibilities beyond the daily personal experience are so rarely thought about, that one feels trapped with no solutions, no resolutions, no way out...

so how not to be depressed?...

oh, that again, aye?... maybe there is no answer and i am just toying with my emotions, being egocentric and insensitive and all)... wait, seriously serious, remember?... well, seriously, if you read this far along and are still awake, you may not actually be depressed, but rather just bored and apathetic and caught in a habit of lazy procrastination... that leads to depression, by the way, so get the fuck up and do something while you still can... network, ya know?... but, ok, seriously stop the shinanigans, cease to tomfoolery, desist in the malarky, and find the seriously seriousness button... press when ready (like anyone ever is, come on now... shhhhh, end silly parenthetic aside)... end silly distracting paragraph intended to lighten the mood and refresh the synapses and dry the eyes and prepare us for the next thought in this intercourse (pun intended - see title)... do we need a drumroll?...

ahem, bottom line for me, and my perception and understanding and 'big picture' may only my egocentric view and my way may be wrong for you or anyone else, but for me, it is as simple as choosing not to be... choosing not to be depressed...

yes, there is a chemical imbalance in the mind associated with depression... but can science answer the question - is it the chicken or the egg?... which comes first, the chemical imbalance or a choice... does a thinking error that repeated over and over, leads to a chemical imbalance or vice versa?... who's responsibility is it anyway, nature, genes, mine, gods?... woah, we're getting serious now, aren't we?)...

my answer is it doesn't matter... i believe based on my own personal (egocentric) experience that whichever comes first, there is still a choice to be made... and that choice influences everything... including the chemical releases in the brain... run a mile and tell me you don't feel different... every action we take, every choice we make (hope this doesn't sting too much), every move we make changes our body chemistry a little or a lot... giving up, doing nothing, that is a choice that allows the chemicals to increase depression, doing something can teach the brain to work through the chemicals associated with depression... doing something i want to do in the moment i want to do it, whatever it is, can please me... little successes... making a drink or food just the way i like it... exercising the body in a way that feels good... creating something that represents how i feel, releasing the numbness or pain or anger or sadness... giving the egocentric mind what it wants in the moment...

that is my way... selfish, very selfish at times, but depression is a very selfish place, just as suicide is a very selfish choice... pushing the mind beyond the limits that seem to be insurmountable is the way out... when the mind says it can't be done, just do it... ignore the negative voice... ignore the apathy and numbness and lack of motivation and yes, ignore the depression...

fuck depression...

other than nothing or sleeping or hurting yourself or crying or nothing, what do you want to do, really want to do in this very moment?...

do it...

make it a motto:

fuck depression, do it anyway

i think this is a repeat

though i don't recall how or when this entry may have been, but i think it was,

should be laughing as i find these links and wonder, random or what?... so yeah, right... so?... but then who really gets it? (or the two before that one) beyong the love of music (or was that flower power?) and something like that... it may have been the month that never ends (cuz it goes on and on my friends... and welcome back), but someday my princess will come too so no worries and until then, this may still be there latest music mix which i lovingly call bipolar... yeah, that could be heavy, but it ends with Meg & Dia's Love Song (which is one of Dia's favorite songs, as it Love Is, which is one of my favorite songs and very upbeat, so heavy ain't the end, it's the means to the end and the end, well, that's still being written, ya know?... what?... he ain't heavy, it's the spent some time on the internet, after all and a few times, just not nearly as much as i had been last year, the universe hears us thinking... really?... yes, it's written in ancient history (and not so ancient, actually) and maybe (mybe we're wrong... thank you moodies), but seriously (what, we haven't been already?), we must remembering the giving is what feels best and the flow of words will go on (like the heart, you know, even after the boat sinks...

ah, there are so many unfinished narfs when choosing sleep for weeks comes before the words, but bach knew and you could too if you paid attention and wanted to... too much energy?... well, whatever (and all that jazz)... it is not the end of the world even as we know it so relax and enjoy the ride...

and a nyuk nyuk there (hokey what?)...

narf :)

somewhere, beyond the rainbow

way up high, though high is relative... as is everything, but that's the point... so many points, as in points of light, so much more than the average human brain even begins to imagine, no less comprehend... sad, that...

hey, so even (e)thereal gets philosophical sometimes... or is that just reflective... pondering, no doubt...

whatever did i have to say?

i wonder, given the sheer numbers of entries last year and the year before, what did i really have to say?... how much of the mini-babbles (or is that broken babblings?) was my urgent desire to share, to be heard, to give some worth or meaning to the time i spend in this life... and how much was truly the record of this life (speaking of which, i've fallen behind again... the dozen or so other dailies {did i say dozen or so?... am i telling secrets or is it just that you are not paying attention to every word?... nyuk nyuk?... or just smirk?} i so loosely call mine... links may surely someday follow)... sometimes, i wish neil degrasse tyson and the ideas spoken in cosmos would finally be the dominant knowledge in our world, but then, sometimes i just accept the ignorance of the primates called humans and hope they don't wipe any chance for intelligent life off this planet... irony, sad, or whatever?...

narf, definitely narf :)

there may still be hope for texas

a very nice guy, a nurse working for me, is moving to austin, but that's not all that inspires the title... what prompted me to have a little hope for the state with the small mind per capita is that they voted ric cantor out of office... ric came to my attention because he pops up when my name is googled and some people thought i might be him and sometimes my name is put on forms by work as cantor because some people do not pay attention... i found out he was a leading conservative republican politician who stood for so many oppressive backwards inequalities i was sad that our names were so similar... he'll probably run for governor or senator or president or something because that is often what failed politicians do when they are delusional like him... so many believe in inequality, it is sad, but at least some texans are stepping up and doing what is right...

politics?... yeah, i know... i rarely write politics here in (e)thereal because politics is so unreal (and depressing), but if you are asking i am a firm independent believing in freedom, equality, and fairness... i see party platforms and wonder how they can sleep at nights... politics is about greed and power trips, controlling others but most of all, controlling money... politicians are own by banks and corporations and the proof is obvious as bankers and corporate people break the law all the time and rarely does any go to jail, in fact, they are given tax dollars whenever they claim they made a mistake and need more money... so these days i have almost no respect for the republican party platform because, well, just look at what they want... the democrats have a few good ideas, but they are still money-driven so they don't represent me... other parties are ideas, relatively meaningless in real life... elizabeth warren gets my attention by confronting the power mongers sometimes, but does anything actually change?...

anyway, way to go texas people for telling a small mind you don't want them leading you into their dark fear-filled fantasies...

narf :)

message from the watchtower

these are not good times for the body, which is quite bloated and rising and falling in weight enough to die at any moment, given my penchant for morbid humor and shocking revelations that almost always hold at least grain of truth... as i've mentioned repeatedly as if it would take the place of it, seriously vigorous exercise used to be how i managed the binges that are how i quell frustrations with catch-22s and other anomalies humans seem to love to create and fester in, or wallow, and since laziness and apathy have slowed the overall weight maintenance project that is required for every foodie who wants to continue enjoying food into older ages, i must find another way (what, me not eat?) or motivation to get back to daily vigorous exercise... drum drum drum, beat that drum... oh, and the message, why change or die of course...

if we had room for an exercise machine in this place i'd have one, but... it would clutter the living room and the recliner would have to go... alas, maybe on the porch... with a big fan... if i had the spare cash... so many obstacles and the space and cash is real, but the procrastination and laziness is definitely my choice...

yes, there must be some way out of here...

said no one...

narf :}

is it irony, sad, or whatever?

yeah, someday irony, sad, or whatever may be a blog all it's own or perhaps some sort of segment in some tv show or another entertainment or even news performance (and if you think the news media is not a performance, well, that may be irony, sad, and whatever, aye?... feel free to click links if this is getting boring), but for now it is this entry and i wonder about the wondering about the whys and wherefores and value of the time i spend here and worth of the words and while i know the dear few friends you are come read when you can and i appreciate your appreciation it still wonder what will become of the almost six thousand entries as time goes by... what will it mean, if it means anything... is it irony, sad, or whatever that i wonder... is it irony, sad, or whatever that i continue... (e)thereal, yeah, is it irony, sad, or whatever...

cha cha cha...

narf :)

where did everybody go?

i know you're out there somewhere (and while the moody blues play in my head, i must cheer on chicago (even though the title actually refers to you, dear readers, but let's let the aside continue cuz it may just become the entry this time cuz the afterglow of seeing chicago live this week is still buzzing through my mind almost a full week later), no longer chicago transit authority for more than 40 years, 47, perhaps, but definitely still rocking even if just four original members and one original lead voice {of 3} represents)... there may never be another band like the original chicago, but the core of the current line-up has been together since 1995 so they are as tight as ever and even though nobody plays guitar like the original Terry Kath (who was considered the leader of the original band as well as best vocalist and an amazing guitarist... unfortunately, he was also an idiot who liked to play with drugs and guns and he died in 1978 by shooting himself in the head with a gun he thought was not loaded... it has been said the band never fully recovered from his death and that is why they still play most of the songs, more than half of their concert sets, from what is considered their best years... Jimi Hendrix once said of Terry Kath and Chicago, "the guitar player is better than me"), current guitarist Keith Howland, around since 1995, isn't bad... the other current lead, Jason Scheff, around since 1985, is not Peter Cetera, but does a pretty good job of emulating Peter's tenor voice on the oldies and rides the bass well...

what may be most amazing to see watching them live, as it is watching just a few other bands from the 1960's, is to see the energy in these guys as the original members approach their 70s (Robert Lamm reaches that milestone this year in October)... one of these days maybe i'll include a dozen more links cuz there are many dozens out there, but for now, i'll upload this entry smiling because chicago still makes me smile :)

Current Line-Up Robert Lamm (1967-) Keith Howland (1995-) Jason Scheff (1985-) James Pankow (1967-) Lee Loughnane (1967-) Walter Parazaider (1967-) Tris Imboden (1990-) Lou Pardini (2009-) Walfredo Reyes, Jr.(2012-)

Instruments Keyboards, Vocals, guitar Guitar, Vocals Bass, Vocals Trombone, perc, keyboards, vocals Trumpet, guitar, perc, vocals Sax, woodwinds, back vocals Drums, percussion Keyboards, vocals Percussion

Original Line-Up Robert Lamm Terry Kath Peter Cetera James Pankow Lee Loughnane Walter Parazaider Danny Seraphine

come on, seventy thousand

that would be seventy thousand page views for this little relatively unknown blog... there would be many many more, like ten or fifty times more, if i played with the spiders and spambots and all the other views (or hits) inflating websites and softwares and such and such... it is a false reflection of popularity (or is that a reflection of false popularity?) and either way, or the other, there is the same old story, the search for everything, the answers, the wonder, the truth... and then, the ultimate multiplier, the sharing... wishing for the sharing... hoping for the sharing... writing for the sharing... here for the sharing...

how many of you were part of the seventy thousand?... step right up for your thanks :)

shades of madness

why some people want to push other people's buttons is a mystery to me... power trips... control trips... insecurity... the world is full of people so empty inside they puff themselves up so they appear full of themselves and their mission is to put other on the defensive, make others uncomfortable, or just intrude in others space to give themselves some sense of worth and prove they have some value... unfortunately, those same people undermine the work of others and are poison to an organization... i had the unfortunate luck to have one invade my office today and it will be the last time she gets a carte blanche welcome in my facility... she is the first person at this organization to treat me with disrespect s she questioned me with disdain and dismissed me when i asked her for cooperation and to simply do her job... today was the first time in eight months that i questioned whether i joined the right organization for me... my direct supervisor was appalled at the treatment i received and she offered to intervene (even though she was two hours away at the time), but i was reassured enough at her reaction that i asked her not to... one person can poison an organization, but not necessarily kill it...

the day just got worse, but i survived... we shall see what tomorrow brings...

more loss of words

this laptop has stolen words several times in the past few weeks, more than usual... i am forgetting to save, yes, but the rebooting is happening automatically more often... i suppose i have some auto-updates turned on and i have not been on the computer daily as i usually was before the last few weeks (or months), but it is still wrong... the operating system should not work against the operator... the system should not shut down automatically without saving everything... the operating system should also not take control of the computer and keep the hard drive and cpu working when the computer is not being used and the power settings are set to go to sleep after a period of time...

computers, can't live with them, can't kill them...

narf...

the dog is losing his mind

itching himself crazy, no joke... he's rolling and spinning and scratching and nipping and biting and drawing blood... it is partly emotional and partly allergies and partly the ants that plague the grounds outside because he is old and does not see or sense the ant mounds he steps on, stands on, and sometimes even squats on... it is more than ant mounds though, it is an emotional allergy and also skin conditions his breed sometimes just lives with (corgi-beagle)... anyway, it's rather distracting and somewhat annoying, especially when trying to sleep in the same room...

it's not always easy to live a dog's life, aye?...

narf :)

sore heart, sore mind, sore back

maybe sore ego too, but the heart of the matter is what is most sore... feeling the lonelies swallowing everything... feeling all the sadness, disappointments, betrayals, insensitivities, and cruelties of all the lifetimes of all the beings that ever lived in every universe that ever was or will be... and in this moment, the death of the dream... again... the endlessly repeating saddest moment of all...

the dog comes out for water, but there is none... a dry bowl... he scurries back to bed as if punished, as if there is no love anywhere, as it all that's left to do is sleep... or die...

stretch the aching back to fill the water bowl and leave a treat next to it for when he comes out again...

and sigh...