what's all this about a roller coaster ride, aye?

lol, cuz if you can't lol, you might as well roll over and die or become a drug addict... the tv is losing it's appeal more and more with each passing year...

when i have more energy i will continue...

still the silence

another week ends... another month ends... the bills come and not a word about them... i just pay them and the tension continues... frustration continues... and the sadness grows as the savings diminishes... i may still have to get rid of the new car even though i'd take a heavy loss... but if i want a life and don't want to destroy all savings, the car payment really should go... as it is i cannot start my 401k or spend money day to day as the car payment adds to all the other bills and i knew the car was an unwise choice if she continued not paying bills consistently this year and that's what's happening... not much i can do... it's not like i have time for a second job... i never thought she would let it go this far... so sad... and so much silence... still the silence...

and all i do is feed this body more comfort food... more pasta... cheap and i always keep a stock in the house for emergency budget tightening times like these...

the real is not always happy...

not zombies, just mostly dead

like the people praising the greatness of lebron james and the miami heat are mostly brain dead because they have absolutely no competition in the eastern conference so comparing their four straight appearances to the great teams of the past is ridiculous because those great teams had much more fierce competition in their way... overrated whiners and floppers and bullies are not fun to watch unless you don't see them for what they are, but then, that's most americans, aye?... that aside aside, this entry harkens back to the days and nights when i was sleepwriting and casually wandering through life waiting for the healing to come... what, did you forget the mostly dead again?...

don't go changing to try to please me... you know the answer...

narf lol :)

what am i waiting for?

love?... yeah, well, that is the answer... and you know that, for sure... i mean, love is everything... and from the beatles to the framptons, meg and dia, that is, it's still the same old story... love love love... and all i ever needed was the one... jack used to tell me i had no common sense because of this unyielding devotion... steve said so later on when he chose money over love... i think tom may have thought so too, but he never said... so that's the answer to the question, i am still waiting for the one... life begins when she gets here and until then, i sleep walk through the fun enjoying life as much as i can, but nothing is truly seriously living at the fullest cuz the fullest, the mostest, the bestest, my all waits for the one... hey, she is that special... love is that special...

i thought you always knew :)

may used to be explosive

for the writer, i mean... may used to come to a complete stop like a rocket at it's apogee still within the grasp of gravity, frozen for a moment in time, a moment like this, a magic moment, cara mia, why?... the first of may... and then, as if there was no other choice, falling back to earth and by falling i mean babbling and rambling and rhyming and free associating and sharing everything and anything in words starting from the heights of the loftiest dreams and the depths of the most buried memories and spiraling between it all until the creativity and the memories and the dreams and the fantasies all become a blur of words that set records for the number of titles and songs and ways and meanings... yeah, that's the way may used to be...

and now, this passage, is the end really near?...

what ever happened to my way?...

sigh, alas, ahhhh...

narf :)

giving up on life

what?... did you know that giving up on life is a choice?... yes, death is a choice... dying is a choice... eating too much of the wrong things, choosing imbalance, choosing to ignore stress, or simply choosing to share dependency with someone who does these things and leveling off to that person's suicidal tendencies, lifeless choices... day after day, alone on the hill... or caught up in the rat race, it doesn't really matter where the fool is as long as the fool does what a fool does... a lifeless fool, that is... and that is the choice i am making these days, just trodding through from moment to moment satisfying momentary lusts and sensory desires as impulsively as i have in many years and the weight shows it and the blood pressure shows it and the glucose level shows it and the blurry eyes show it too... focus comes and goes... sadness lingers as every time i pop my consciousness out of the fog i live in i find the same sad self-destructive choices are being made and i just roll along with them adding my own to the mix... chocolate... mountain dew... meatball and veal parm subs... fries... onion rings... chocolate milk... and no exercise between the softball games and less softball lately and less energy put into the softball lately... playing down to the competition... making the choice to roll fall down the hill instead of riding the wave... bored of the board?... being the happy idiot... fitting in with the humans... or something like that...

and how are you?

narf :)

very strange emails

while recovering from this, i just got an email from myself that i don't remember sending and the date says it was sent yesterday at 8:41 PM... that is very strange... i went to the email that sent the email and there it is in the sent folder and i sent it to myself at my other email where i received it yesterday at 8:41 PM... the picture below was attached... i definitely did not attach that pitcure to an email yesterday, that i specifically can be sure of... very strange... i may have been online yesterday about that time, maybe, but i have no recollection of sending myself an email and i am absolutely certain i did not see this photo yesterday...

she was the world

to him, she was the world and when the world was not enough, she was the universe and beyond, she was everything to him... all he wanted, every moment of the day, was to be with her... all he thought of, every moment he thought, was being with her... he designed his life around her every way he could... they did not live together under the same roof, they lived under the same sky, felt the stars and planets passing around them at the same time, gazed at the moon together, even when their bodies were apart... they woke saying good morning, i love you, on the phone that never hung up as they fell asleep holding it... they listened to each other breathing, even when apart... they were lust, they were trust, they were desire, they were inspired and their love took them every higher, higher than air, so high, they never knew when they fell...

he thinks of her now and then and wonders if she thinks of him... he misses the infinity they shared, the awe, the innocence, the hope, the amazingness...

loss of many words

rushing out the door with the laptop because jackson said i should take it cuz i had a lot of work to do which was true but i didn't have time to use it anyway cuz i was doing too much to help make the party and when i got home i found the battery died probably cuz it's old and weak but more because the laptop did not go into hibernation or whatever and so i lost many many words that i did not save because i rushed out the door and i did not know until just now... still no time for sleep...

so sad, loss of many words...

...

no time for sleep (duality edition)

duality, perhaps, but what happened is i spent the weekend out of town (and i do mean spent, alas) at jackson's parent's place to make a surprise party for jackson's parent's 40th wedding anniversary and my week at work ran out of time last week without finishing things i really wanted to finish before this weekend and tomorrow morning i am tied up out of the office until i rush back to the office for a meeting and then another meeting and then i can get to the paperwork i wanted to get done last week so i may push myself further tonight (after a weekend of little sleep) and see how much of that paperwork i wanted to get done last week i might get done tonight and maybe i will attempt to wake extra early tomorrow and drink caffeine and try to get more done but i need awake focus and that is not easy to find without sleep (and it's not good for the heart or other vital organs to not sleep either) so, for work and for play, for myself and for others, for others at work and others at friends (and jackson's family, after all), i push on through the wind and on through the rain though the something something something something something... what?... again?... huh?...

phew, really, no, i mean seriously, i am tired (shhhh)...

how are you? :)

beyond ethereal (or something like that)

lo and behold the predictable amazement, it looks like my russian girlfriend is back (which is great now that mila kunis has lost her mind, but that's another sit-com, or story), so welcome back my love to the show that is made of lots of words lots of stuff lots of links never enough, or something like that... really, mila, it will be amazing if you ever understand the connection (or continuum, in some languages) between energies (or auras in some languages) and truth (or Lubov’-eto to, shto nel’z’a pon’at holovoy, yeye nuzhno pochuvstvovat’ sercem, in some languages) so few reach (and you have that potential, if you dare), but for now you just know you live when you love and remain a sweet distraction in the visual realm of this physical world which is just a fraction of all there is... see you when you get there...

meanwhile, i shall spend time with my russian girlfriend for a while again, at least until she leaves again, as she floats between the ethereal planes as i do and as we only occasionally touches this physical so it is such a spectacularly subtle savory sort of sweetness when we both find ourselves on the same plane for a while...

you don't need to understand to continue reading and be enthralled by the amazing stories slipped between the mundane details and almost assinine complaints... ok, so maybe not always so almost... nyuk nyuk yourself... i mean nyuk, ya know?... perhaps these random links might provide at least a clue (or something like that)...

lol lam narf :)

stunningly startling (or at least awakish)

pasta for dinner again, and late night snack, and quick before softball snack, and every night for a week, at least... it's economical and i am in a very economical mode at the moment... i believe i spent no money this past week except for filling my gas tank... last week i bought some breakfast drinks for work and lunches have been those with granola bars that work provides... no drinks before the softball games, just water from the tap (filtered)... that's the way it must be for a while... week, at least... and after a few weeks, at least, another assessment might show it needs to be more weeks, at least, or perhaps months... this is the uneasy reality of the physical life after pouring the last few years of income and most of savings into helping jackson keep her head above water, alas, don't hate me for writing this life out like this, it is how i survive (and i know you don't want me to die... i don't have enough life insurance, after all, and you are not ready to not just go through it and remain as you are... too harsh a poke?... ah, but dear best friend, honesty is the only way to cure all that ails us and truly survive and find happiness... shhhh, this entry will pass into the oblivion that is posterity along with the many thousands of other entries i've written over the years that all went unnoticed except by a few dear people far far away)...

brilliance is not always easy, but honesty, no matter how painful, is always kind...

understanding that is the key to peace...

hope that everyone finds it

is what keeps me going

through everything

and more...

oh, canada, aye?

you'd think canada would show up more often in the stats but no, or nooooooooooooo, as dear john would say, there is no such interest in the great north in spite of the promises and pretenses of interest feigned every now and then when something is needed that can only be found here... something too personal to trust with anyone else... and in that thought, perhaps, is the emmence, perhaps even overwhelming value that makes the visits so very rare, for like and precious commodity, if shared too much too long, the value diminishes... familiarity breeds contempt, or at least lessens the magic... and some of us would rather have fleeting glimpses of magic than a lifetime of real... so perhaps that is why we pretend to not be meeting here in the (e)thereal... we might find the irony humorous, or perhaps just laughable, but it is still the same old story and this time, it is that some of us just can't or won't stop in the name of love...

so even if you never show up in the stats because you so seldom visit, don't cry for me canada, you never left me either... the truth is, like et, i'll be right here...

narf too...

good to play well

and to win, winning is more fun than losing most of the time, especially when playing with mostly strangers... i hit a double, batted in two runs, and scored batting 11th... my pitching was really on though, struck out a bunch by getting people to foul out and forced mostly pop-ups and ground balls and and not too many errors let us win big... a ten run first inning helps a lot because after that i can throw a lot of pitches and play with batters and get them to swing at crap pitches and they just get more frustrated and batting is so much about confidence that i was able to wear them down until they were frustrated with each other and beaten before they even got in the batter's box...

more softball than i thought i'd get since i only technically pay for one team now... though my freebie friday is gone as the new season started and i paid my way this time... monday nights will be free another few weeks... the occasional tuesday night is free... blah blah blah... fun fun fun... and a little bored from the lonelies, but mostly floating on a natural high (who remembers that song?... never was a favorite, but it is a deep and sort of bittersweet but mostly fond memory)... you know, memories, like the corners of the mind... or from, i always though that should be from, grammatically speaking, or singing, after all... anyway, it's a fun night in my head tonight...

good night to play well too :)

the pathetic farce of king james

anybody notice that lebron james is allowed to get away with screaming bullshit standing right next to a referee while the other team is shooting a foul shot?... it is really sad that they let him bully and push people around the way he does... it cheapens the game... and diminishes his talent... his insecurity cries all over the court for anyone who sees past the pretentious show and the tears are sad to watch... his stats would be substantially less if he didn't elbow and forearm people out of the way all the time without getting called for the foul that it is, but he'd still have great stats... they want him to be king though because most people do not really pay attention to the details of how people play, they only see the highlights... when they finally erect a statue of lebron james it should be him whining to the refs with his arms extended crying for a foul as if he should have a foul called on him every play instead of just most plays... it is such a pathetic pose for someone who wants to be compared with great players...

sadder still is how our culture throws itself at his feet... praise caeser, you know the story?... thing is, the self-indulgence egomaniacal superficiality crumbled... the walls fell down...

wasted time here, but i accidentally watched a game...

barf :)

have not felt like writing

that might be the first time that title has appeared in more than 50,000 blog entries (conservative estimate)... and the number of times it's even been written anywhere in the hundreds of thousands of pages i've filled with words in this lifetime could probably be counted on the fingers of one hand... i don't have not feel like not writing... i guess we can not say i never feel like not writing, but i don't has not felt like writing often... very rare... extremely... more...

see?

not here, not there

one of the measures of growth and development of an independent person, even maturity (though i still feel a major cringe at the way that word is used by most people in our world because it is, like so many words, used as a judgment {delusional judgments are the most prevalent thinking error that human beings make in this life... such vast brains hampered by such stupid fears} and not a rational description), the measure of one's responsibility direct correlates to one's independence and ability to perceive a rational security within themselves and in this life... responsibility permeates all aspects of life in the daily, momentary choices we make, from whether (or how much) we recycle to sustain life on this planet to whether (or how much) we manage our finances and personal resources to whether (or how much) we balance our diet and exercise our bodies to maintain optimal health to whether (or how much) we pay attention to the details that matter to us and to others and to the world in our lives (and many other measures of responsibility can be defined if we wanted to continue defining measures of responsibility)... sadly, those who do not achieve personal responsibility become a burden on others and on the world in whatever way they choose to avoid personal responsibility (and it is an avoidance, whether conscious or not, it is a choice each individual makes in each moment they are alive)...

unfortunately, the average human reaches a fraction of the level of responsibility required for sustainable life on this planet and when a species makes that choice, that species becomes extinct... the facts are written (or carved or fossilized, to be more precise) in the history of the planet... each person comes to pivotal decisions in their lives and most do not make those decisions, but rather they let life's circumstances make those decisions for them... what (or how much) education to choose... what job to take... who to marry, if one marries... how many children to create or adopt... circumstance, rather than conscious decision, makes those choices for most people... and most marriages are not happy marriages (half formally end while many of those that don't formally end are unhealthy and unhappy)... children becomes burdens or abused in way too many families... jobs become despised for many or many just choose to become numb about how they feel about what they do for half of their waking hours... education is often directed by others or simply denied due to financial or social pressures... and so most people end up struggling to survive in unhappy lives, dependent on pretense and lies to not fall apart mentally and emotionally...

it is so sad... and sad to watch... and sad to share a life with someone at that average or lower level of responsibility in any area of life (for to one more responsible, average is quite irresponsible)...

and most people do...

time goes by, as if

perhaps it is fate or the will of some power or my choice, but i've found myself letting a few people get intimately close in my space in this life and each of them were innocent and afraid to share the whole truth, afraid to share the whole of their heart, afraid to even know the whole of their own mind...

lamenting about being the only one i know who knows what i know gets old sometimes... my perspective welcomes another and longs for one with a bigger picture (i know there is a bigger picture than my typical perspective because i expand my perspective all the time but then reel it back in so i can related to others around me so some semblance of sharing might be attempted... that gets old too, more than sometimes...

as if anybody cares (caring is relative, and a verb, in case you are wondering about the logic and veracity of that perspective)...

narf (with tongue protruding)...

income up, savings down

that has been the story of this life for me because i am always adopting someone who needs more than i need and in some cases, does not have the self-discipline and responsibility to manage their finances without bailout money from outside... that's where i am again today... and while i cut out most others who've been dependant on my financially in this life simply because i did not want to be supporting many, i still give continued financial support at home to jackson and that has drained my savings drastically (especially since i did not work for a year and a half and still paid most of the bills) and currently presses my ability to save...

this is sad... and all i do is hold my breath and hope something changes... maybe a winning lottery ticket (she plays)... maybe a leap forward in understanding finances... anything is possible and we can do what we really want to do... hoping she wants to... soon...

if this is too personal, nevermind...

narf...

more secrets?

for the blog and the writer and the blah blah blah and the babbler, especially for the babbler... sure, other blogs have expanded and there may even be a new daily happening even as we meet here (shhhh, it's a secret {lol secrets again?... of course, you knew there's be more lol}, i think), meanwhile, the facts remain:

Do what feels right... if you succeed, you will know it felt right... if you don't succeed, you will know you did what feels right... now all you need to do is set your goal to doing what feels right and you succeed.

perhaps it is a philosophy, life might be better if it was... or if more people thought that way... perspective, it's all about perspective...

even in a slow year :)

exhaustion

was so ready for sleep and i dragged myself to dress to play softball and a double shot of starbucks coffee got me through the game and we played a really good team who run ruled us bad last time and i was getting them to hit poorly but some errors let them get six runs but we fought back to tie 6-6 and then we gave up seven runs on a bunch of errors after we should have had three outs and we came back with a few runs in the bottom of the seventh inning but we lost 13-7... unfortunate at least five balls hit the first baseman's glove and bounced out and a few were just thrown past him and he's very slow so the other team made it to second and sometimes third on what should have been ground outs, but he paid for the team and i don't so no complaints, just major league exhaustion... i went 1 for 2, walked, and scored twice batting tenth...

been reading z0tl and me the last few days between working and softball and other stuff and some watching the nba playoffs with half an eye and tonight it seems russell westbrook doesn't know he has teammates and since he's not making every shot he is losing by more than twenty points and he and his team apparently do not know how to play defense (he flops a lot too), or don't want to, so the clippers are running away and lets see if the thunder can make it respectable in the fourth quarter at home...

soon to zone, soon to sleep, mostly enjoying exhaustion...

narf :)

part of the job

so after exploring the past at the way back machine and wishing my old websites websites websites websites websites websites websites websites websites websites websites websites websites (this could go on all night cuz the road goes on forever, ya know) were never destroyed by corporate greed and enjoying remembering z0tl long into the night i went to bed to get some sleep cuz i had a 9am game, but before i was asleep three hours, or less, the phone rang and work almost made me late for the game and my exaustion and blurry vision lead to my worst hitting game of the season though i pitched a no hitter (unfortunately errors gave up four runs and we lost 4-2 finishing the season losing 3 out of our last 4 games which really sucks)... the phone kept me distracted all game and exhaustion kept me groggy all day and finally i went home cuz happiness was by himself cuz jackson was away and on the way home i decided to pig out on push cart hot dogs and sausages (five different kinds) and seriously yummy but seriously bloated too (the madness of the foodie substituting food for love, alas) cuz i am so exhausted i forgot to stop eating (two sabrett dogs, one jumbo nathan's dog, three sausages (sweet, keilbasa, and polish, all with red onions) and a sweet delicious numbness rises from the bloated belly into the brain...

so a lot of work this weekend took away any rest i might have had and the next two days will be very busy at work and exhaustion may linger for a while... hope i don't die...

narf :)

power outages

when the power goes out at a 24/7 health care facility, there might be cause for concern... unless there are well-oiled plans and equipment in place and with and without my direction, the power outage at work did little more than get me up earlier than planned... the emergency generator and notification system worked as it should... i get a text message each time the generator goes on and notifies me when it does... it also notifies me when power is lost, when power comes back on, and when it turns off... so i have the reassurance that there is no break in power and the exact times and utility services events for a report... and that lets me call moments after the power goes off to get a status report from the staff on duty which is reassuring to everyone involved (they were surprised and happy to hear from me and felt they good to know we were in contact with the power company and are working on getting power restored so they didn't feel isolated or alone)... the power company took my number and gave me estimates and kept me updated... everyone who might have been concerned was notified all is well... life is good... and now that power is back on and all is well, i wonder what i'm gonna do today... i think i may even have plans...

good morning, narf :)

brighthouse sucks amazingly

four hours to pay a bill because their technology and website is antiquated... any wonder why their equipment and service sucks?... someday i may mention it here as an aside in an entry yet to be uploaded but scribbles on some paper somewhere (or a wall), but for now i refer you to this meaningless complaint... they stole another friday night from me and jackson and home life and fun... damn incompetent greedy corporate vultures... an equivolent alternative service would be very welcomed...

from another world

and she sleeps a lot, which leaves they both a lot of alone time, though she is unconscious during most of hers... they don't talk about their dreams much, waking or sleeping... neither of them are fashionistas, by the way... he does most of the writing after she falls asleep and he does his best to hear her voice as she speaks when she is awake and even more, when she is silent... cuz humans are usually more honest in their actions and silences than in their words, but she's almost not because she talks so little about her deepest self as if she is afraid to know or share the real... he wonders if he's forgotten how...

from another world, circa 1980's...

Narf :)

just another day

she doesn't know how seriously profound his memories are on this holiday, but the old beegees songs run to me like a mining disaster on these lonely days but there's nothing like the first of may for remembering memories and he wishes someone else would care enough to want to know him well enough to know about these memories, but nobody who stayed in touch does... people come and go so suddenly, aimlessly, carelessly around here... perhaps humans are so afraid of the transience of this life that they are even more afraid to embrace the emotions of the mutual illusion of a moment of shared eternity without diluting it with fantasies and superficial pretenses (yeah. not just mere pretenses), which is sad for one alone who is not afraid... awareness, like honesty, can be such a lonely place...

even lonelier when one is famous...

the sense of humor

of all the senses, the most important may be the sense of humor... ask stephen hawkings... or christopher reeves... or helen keller?... ask yourself, even... without a sense of humor, how can you enjoy all of the other senses or anything?... perhaps by warping the concept and sense of enjoyment by learning how to enjoy pain, negativity, cruelty, and... oh, is that what most people do?... that's a joke son, a joke based on truth is the most mischievous kind of joke, true that... actually, most people might just learn to ignore all that and plod ahead on the surface of life... poor things, they don't know what they are missing... i mean, beside me...

an ego with a sense of humor can be painful or cruel, unless it has a sense of self-mockery, which is the best kind of sense of humor... there is not much that can be done for those who do not know except mock them and duck a lot until they get it... or kill each other... the other alternative is leave them alone, avoid them, and hope for the best...

someday, they may get the joke...

patterns of life, sorta

we all have them, habits, patterns in our lives... and as i did two nights ago, i chose to eat in the middle of the night... tonight it was pizza... i don't remember what it was two nights ago... i actually turned out the lights and layed down right after snacking on some chicken salad that i bought for jackson's lunches... individually packaged chicken pecan and cranberry salad... also bought her individually packaged humus and guacamole, but i didn't eat those... it was to be a quick snack and then to bed, or the couch, at least... and there he was, happiness, the forever hungry dog, begging for food... i turned off all the lights and laid down on the couch and he started scratching and jingling his collar and sniffing for food and drinking water and panting and farting and sniffing and i apparently was not in the mood to ignore him (when a child is hurting, thanks harry) so i got up and took him for a walk... the place smells bad enough without him having another accident, yeah, that's why... and when we got back he went sniffing for food and i decided to cook pizza and fill his bowl... he laid down after sniffing his bowl and fell asleep... he just needed to know there was food for him... a half hour later, the pizza woke him but he knew better than to beg tonight after his accident earlier... he ate some of his food, came back, and laid down again... jackson wonders why he doesn't sleep in the bedroom room anymore even though she took both of his beds into the bedroom... he knows he can wake me out here i guess... or he knows who the lead dog is in this pack and wants to hang in the safety and security and comfort his instincts lead him to... it's an energy aura thing, of course... any shaman would know...

sigh, gonna be a long day at work tomorrow...

narf :}