almost resting right

yeah, almost... it would take a few weeks at least, maybe a few months to refocus and center myself after ten years in the madness again, though not as long as the last time i walked away from the rat race in 1990... the natural rhythm of this body is so different (as in nocturnal) from the norms of our society and living with a daytime person and a very daytime dog creates a very daytime space here, so the past week of vacation has been wonderful, but not free of sleep interruptions so fatigue remains... the intrusion of the work that requires my attention does not help as i am not completely free of responsibility for my day job even with a full week off... alas, i love to provide the guidance and the nurturing my work allows me to provide, but the self-time is so limited and broken, as i said, fatigue remains...

jackson has a nasty bit of a sore throat as well, which is this body's greatest vilnerability and i feel the big trying to get into my cells... socializing with friends at the parties of the season adds to the challenge of creating the me time, but then, i love the socializing as well... if only there were 42 hours in each day, there would be enough time for everything... hopefully the balance i create each day that has kept this body alive and the mind i inhabit smiling will continue to be maintained through my momentary decisions and someday my princess will come, as usual...

what is not understood is still present, and smiling, even if i am the only one who knows why... you are welcome to inquire or share as you please and i hope you do :)

lost in her eyes

well, wishful thinking, but seriously lost in the internet tonight as i've sat here for more than eight hours wandering mostly youtube watching and listening hour after hour and you can find much of my wandering and viewing and listening linked in all of the sites i saw pages specially tonight and tomorrow (remind me to fix that link tomorrow if i forget) culminating in the sheer adorableness and musical gifts of zooey deschanel who helped me finally completed the specific sites i saw for amy's birthday (though natalie portman and mila kunis {especially the last link} inspired the title of this entry and sheesh, where are faces like hers around here, sigh and all that)...

alas, and where did the actual physical world romantic i once was wander off to?... not to mention the imaginary one who wrote thousands of loves songs over the years... zooey would understand... yup, i am in love (yeah, lafs {love at first site} once again) with zooey and her music (adorableness is powerful, but mix it with a sultry sweet voice singing all those standards and it's linda ronstadt and melanie all over again) and still, mila's face melts me (seriously lafs)... superficial?... i so wish i had the opportunity to find out (as i laugh myself off to la la land now :)

nite nite and make it a wonderful day :)

a bit of bloat

soup, shrimp, pistachio nuts, chocolate milk... that was the late night dinner that now has the slight bloat oing on and the food is bringing on the sleepiness so the eyes are closing and i'll be back whenever... fun and games with friends, now sleep...

mostly famous

spent most of the last however long it's been wandering the internet listening to music and watching youtube videos (i added a dozen or so to pop news though half are interwoven in time as i am apt to do) and added a bunch of entries to sites i saw (where you can find the pages that interested me enough to save their links as i am apt to do) and even added some music to the soundtracks, which you'll have to find on your own cuz i am not self-promoting any more in this sentence and come on now, it's only fair to see if you have even a little interest in exploring and getting to know me other than blindly clicking on the easy to find links, right?... well, probably :)

in between all the mindless self-indulgence (actually, not, but see this if you care and if you don't have time for that, see this to see if you care at all... seriously)... jackson and i went shopping for presents (cuz i procrastinated so well) and then exchanged gifts... yay for a cool roommate and friend...

the title, a cross between hitchhiker's guide and zooey deschanel who's face has become my latest desktop cuz she is so very alluring (ok seriously, these came close but inspired me to change my desktop... by mila, hi zooey...

meanwhile, it's shower time and then out to play with friends again... loving this time off, some time for me, some time for friends, and even some time for relaxing... hope your week is as much fun as mine :)

holy shit

lol and i do not mean the holiday, though we could, but i am still referring to the foot-long (actually more than a foot long and an inch and a half thick and still stuck in the bowl, but you didn't come here for that graphic image, now did you... still got it though, huh? lol)... and then there's the holiday stuff too, i suppose... and while so many of us pig out (like we do on all the other holidays), so many others are hungry, starving, under fire, and close to dying and that's life... theirs are so different than ours... and who cares...

all it took was for me to eat a few veggies to start remembering... vegetables are so much smarter than we are...

if we only knew...

astonishing?

yes, whatever, what i wanted to chat about today was my shit, feces, that is... i was amazed at the size of the log-shapped fecal material that emerged (painfully, even) from my anus today... i was astounded, perhaps... it's still sitting in the bowl, unable to move down the toilet in spite of a hald dozen flushes and some industrial strength drano, three pourings, even... if you are laughing, welcome to my world... if you are disgusted or experiencing unpleasant get me out of here feelings, well, bye :)

i think it is time to change the diet for a few days :)

rolling wrong along

right along, just not right... stuffing the face with holiday goodies, so much sugar, so much pasta and cheese and sauces and bread and so much food and did i mention sugar?... the blood pressure and glucose levels are probably through the roof and the liver and kidneys and pancreas and brain and everything effected by the high fat high carb high sugar diet is being effected (or affected) and while it's a non-stop party in so many ways, i know it's also the suicidal normal western human diet that is killing most westerners (and probably lots of other humans) and someday soon i really ought to stop cuz if i don't the body will die or come close enough to force the change and then, it may be too late to enjoy the running and sports and exercise and i'll just grow old and die like normal humans which would kill me, if you know what i mean...

ah, the self-mocking laughter of coming home at this sunrise hour after a long night out with friends, so much fun is is to play... alone, what else is there to do, after all... wanna help save me?... gotta see through the grin and find a way to get me to take you seriously, eye to eye... nobody has yet, and you?...

hope you are loving every minute of it too :)

always work

yeah, so i woke up to work calling about an incident i have to investigate and report and so on and so forth and while it is not perfect, i was able to get all i needed by telephone and filled out the reports and sent them via computer so i was able to stay home, just had to spent a few hours working instead of vegetating and forgetting about work for a while... maybe tomorrow will be a work-free day, aye?...

twill be the night before xmas tonight and all through the house i'll be up all night most likely cuz i like to enjoy the quiet of the night, especially on nights when most everyone else is busy doing something else... as much as i miss sharing and cuddling and kissing and touching and hugging and loving and sharing caring in the body soul and mind la la la, i love my solitary time too and holidays are solitary for me most of the time...

hope your holidays are fun your you too :)

no more work?

that would be nice, but work chased me home tonight and so i did some by phone and some by computer and a family has an extra $1500 right on time for xmas and the hospital will not be sued, yay, there's some win-win situations in my work and this was one...

i left work early to get the five-year fingerprinting that is required now to prove i am who i am and haven't been replaced by a terrorist or something ad haven't accumulated any felonies or whatever that i have been hiding from my employer or the fbi or dea or cia or nsa or president or nasa or the aliens who run the world and while doing my civic duty i handled the matter above on the phone and then went to the tea house (infusion) to see a friend who was telling stories there and just before he went on, the phone calls finally ended...

good reading by my friend and good tea and then, home and fun fun fun till the new year takes my time off away :)

make yours fun too :)

out of time

yes, this entry and sorrounding entries may be out of time, not in the tim is up meaning, but in the out of chronological order meaning, but then, some of the surrounding entries were actually written on the date they were written, time even, and if that means something to you, welcome to my world, sort of, and if not, your choice, and if you stick around anyway, feel free to tell me why in the comments below cuz i be curious, if that matters to you, thanks, and if not, so be it, i may never know...

where was i, anyway?... ah yes, trying to fit two full weeks of work into a few days and not work 24/7, but then, half my work *or more) is not predictable, so there may be even more than two weeks worth and the planned time off may not be as off as i'd like, but i'm gonna keep looking forward to starting eleven days off tomorrow and get as much work as possible done today... you are missing the life i live, but at least you can read all about it here... sort of :)

hope you make yours fun too :)

once upon a time

this entry is probably a few days early as i anticipate some seriously deeper introspection in a few days as i intend to relish my alone time as i am techically off from work for eleven straight days for the first time in almost ten years... i'm still on call because, well, that's the job, 24/7/365 on call unless i specifically arramge for it not to be and that is not wise and not easy as only one person can cover for me and he does not want to and being my boss, he doesn't have to...

but still, once upon a time i did something with words that meant everything to me (and maybe to a few others) and though i do not feel the depth or intensity as i used to and i do not concentrate as i write as i used to and i do not communicate through words as i used to i do still write, daily, here (to the tune of more than 1700 entries) and many other places (to the tune of many more thousands of entries) and it would be nice to think that experience of sharing, that intensity of caring, that amazement i felt, that thing i did with words can happen again... stay tuned :)

i know that guy

or, to quote me, holy crap, i know this guy lol lam lal (yes, that is laughing out loud, laughing at myself, and laughing at {or about} life, in case you wondered) and yes, i really ought to be sleeping but i followed my brain once again and it lead me from one page to another and one thought to another and finally suddenly the answer to a question i've asked for years popped into my head and then on the internet so simply, i laughed at the foolishness of not thinking of it before...

he's an award winning (gold medals and such) violin maker extraordinaire and someone i've been stalking, errr, looking for, ever since my first reality break way back in the olden days when i stopped looking outside and stopped communicating and spent some time meditating and talking almost exclusively to myself (and that wasn't so easy before the internet, ya know)... and he lives on abbey court, which is so much like abbey road, at least in my sematically oriented mind, which inspires an enormous inner smiles that beams right out both ears (you'd have to be here to see, unless you are quite intuitive and then, just close your eyes :)

if i wasn't attempting a modicum of responsibility for the next few days, i'd certainly pour some more mountain dew and stay up all night rambling on and on about this and that and whatever the inspiration of finding an old friend would bring, but, alas, i am foolishly responsible at times lately, so i shall leave the moment paused like this and return some time later this week when more time is available without skipping yet more sleep...

life is still so very wonderful :)

feeding the head (and body)

going kind of nuts with browsing (especially since less than half of the sites i actually click on cuz sometimes i forget to save the address and sometimes i don't like the site enough to want to save or even mention it and sometimes i shut down the browser to keep the computer running cuz it is a microsoft system, after all... mostly vegetating between parties and decadent eating (oh, so much delicious food eating) and games and sleeping little and not exercising and wasting away in the hedonistic fashion...

too much fun, perhaps, but still working plenty and waiting for the one to come along to save me from all this madness ya know :)

hope you are enjoying life too :)

someday, miracles may return

just watched miracle on 34th st, the original (and only one that really reaches the corny sentimentality that santa claus is part of, though even then the truth was not clearly stated, that stanta claus is real and works his magic through the hearts and minds of every person who loves and cares enough to give someone a gift they want, but then, such brilliant logic was not in the writers either time i suppose cuz people seem to expect sentimentlity to be enough as in that line faith is believe even when common sense tells you not to and while it is a great line, i still say there is logic and common sense that can explain everything if you care enough to find {or create} it, so there :)

jackson never saw it and while she multi-tasked and missed some facial expressions and silent scenes that tell so much of the story, she said she liked it... though i don't think she cried like i did... yeah, i cry at the movies, some movies every time i see them and this is one... and one of the miracles i hope will come again is findings the one who sees and feels what i see and feel in movies and music and life and love and living happily ever after and so on and so forth and scooby dooby do dah day o, day ay ay ay o, dalight come and we're still only just beginning to live laugh love and create the magic of connecting at the core in love and more miracles as we laugh at ourselves cuz we understand each other and the irreverence and relativity of everything so completely...

hope your night was fun too :)

wow, yeah, body talk

so i was singing physical along with friends in some goofy home karaoke last night (we had a really odd mix of sings from creedence to bow wow to riteous brothers to billy joel to journey to fats domino to james taylor to beatles to... yeah) snf today, wow did i ever push and do i ever hear my body talk moving a friend all day...

life is so wildly wonderful when you mix extreme physical exertion with caffeine :)

it is so good to sing with friends

and i could have sung all night (as the show tunes return as if they never left, but then, where can they go once they are part of you?... lost inside in forgotten memories, perhaps, but never truly gone... it's just a matter of accessing the right brain cells... and the right left ones too :)

so the words of the favorites returned as if they never left and even some new ones written as the song sang itself...

and now, the time has come, to reassess, this life we're living
the truth, the ones we trust, the promises, the gift of giving
for what else can we do that might be better in our lifetimes
than to share love and peace and believe in the beautiful rhymes

for what is a man, what has he got,
if he just takes, and he shares not
what fool is this, that leaves you empty
what is the good of having plenty
when others need, and starve and bleedd
when others cry, do you believe
your god on high, one you pray to
is happy with the things you do
i ask you now, do you allow
the hate and fear to steer your plow
or do you stand above the fray
to sing your song and not just say
you live your life right every day
you share your love and not just pray
stand with me now, and come what may

we did it our way

la la la... i dreamed the impossible dream too, yup, me and the music in my head all the way home... some good people threw a surprise party for royce tonight and i got into the karaoke part like i never left (almost) and a few others did too, but just a few... memories miss the friends who would sing with me, so few i've known... i mean, imagine interrupting [iano man to say goodnight and expect the singers to talk, aye?... where is the love of music today?... ah, still somewhere out there with the lovers, the dreamers, and me...

long day at work tapping the keys, left straight to go to the party, great unwind, and now, the end is near again, the night is buzzing all around but i must be out the door in less than six hours to help a friend move, so i really ought to get some sleep... but the buzz feels so good...

hope yours feels just as good too :)

need sleep?

help me if you can i'm feeling sooooo sleepy... wishing you were somehow here again... tonight, tonight... i believe in music... missing you... and so it goes...

meanwhile, back at the madness or reality, i am so not sleeping much and so not exercising and so eating like only my taste buds have any say in my choices and enjoying everything way too much cuz i rally should maintain some balance, after all... one of these days i will hit a wall and switch to veggies for a while and sleep without phone or alarm for a few days (or at least one) and get back to exercise and running, even, but for now, madness ensues...

hope your madness is fun too :)

first love

for years i knew there was no love like first love and even then, i knew a few first loves and each stand out as unique one of a kind experiences but there's on more unique and profound than any other and that was when i was four years old (she was four years old too, it's not a pervert trauma story) and we explored the full spectrum of sharing in as many ways as four year olds are able (and yes, that includes playing with each other's bodies naked and laying on each other and rubbing and kissing and licking and touching all over) and that imprinted what love is supposed to be like on my brain (including the face) and then about a dozen years later i saw that face again and in spite of being in a very loving relationship for over a year, i completely fell uncontrollably in love with every bit of my being (including wanting to, which is the key, but that's a secret few truly understand) and today is her birthday... not the first one, but the second one... so happy birthday amy...

i'll tell you about all the other loves another time :)

the first time i was too young to understand
and the world does not allow children to love enough
so a broken heart was what i learned could come from love
but that just set me on finding true love again

and second time we were almost ready to fly
but parents still had control of our lives
whatever it was or became for you
the love was true
the love is true

so my heart wishes you all the love you wanted
and i hope the depth you've found in love is enough
wherever you are and whatever you do
i wish for you
the love is true

and i hope you have someone who would do anything for you
and love this true
for love is true

happy birthday amy :)

it's beginning to smell a lot like a pine tree

yes, so instead of staying asleep an hour or more ago when i nodded off in front of the tv here next to the computer in the smaller brown chair (which replaced the big green chair when jackson moved in last year... no worries, the big green chair is in the bedroom, crowded, but still alive), i drank grapefruit juice and then stuffed my face with pistachio nuts and a bit of lasagna and chcolate milk and mused over the fresh pine scent of the tree not growing in brooklyn, but rather sitting in a small green pot-stand clinging to life for a few last gasps (soon to be decorated with lights and garland and tinsel and such) of celebration before it returns to the earth... ho ho ho, ya know?...

it's gonna be a sleepy day tomorrow (but still i love the night :)

last night, football

tonight, xmas tree after dinner at macaroni grill... i'll catch up on last night in the previous entry that i'll write and upload after this one (cuz i just love to pretend i can manipulate time, right?)... here, now, listening to music (and someday i will have a program that will print the momentary playlist to a blog or file so i can share it but for now there's no time to type them all in so suffice to say a mix of melissa etheridge, meg & dia, lenka, demi lovato, jarah jane, sarah mclachlan, jewel, kate voegele, rilo kiley, lily allen, portishead, lisa hannigan, alexa ray joel, and believe by elton john tossed in near the end) and glancing up at the magic game with jackson who's doing some work (working all the time these days), relaxing...

tonight, relaxing...

fantasy playoffs

tonight we watched monday night football with one eye and closer, one of jackson's favorites, and it was the first round of the fantasy football playoffs and unfortunately my team plays jackson's team so one of us are gone in the first round, alas, and i probably have the advantage as long as tom brady and new england and the rest of my fantasy players continue to do what they do... i've been winning big and have the most points for the season even with adrian peterson, my #1 draft choice, producing crap in recent weeks and miles austin, my #3 draft choice, producing even worse for longer... a few good pick ups (fred jackson, knoeshon moreno, deone branch, jacob tamme, danny moorhead, and david akers support tom brady and wes welker, the other two left from my original draft (and micheal vick sits on my bench cuz i wasn't gonna let anybody else have him)... but anything can happen in the playoffs and i've got to win one more week to get into the finals... rah rah sis boom bah ha ha, right... hey, it's a numbers game that amuses my mind and doesn't take much time (unlike fantasy basketball or baseball which i used to play when i worked night shift and had a lot more time... look for yawhofarted on yahoo if you want to see my record, yo yo, represent the fantasy hood)...

shoulda been in bed hours ago, ya know? :)

weekend gone by

not much to tell as the weekend was mostly spent lazing around the house, yesterday recouperating from either mild food poisoning or a sugar-carb hangover cuz either way, i was hurting and just curled up waiting for time and pain to pass (distracting myself with youtube and other internet audio visual personalities, news, and odds and ends) and today was sleep late and rest and shower, walk happiness, and head to our neighbor (i forgot her name if i named her so for now, she's neighbor) for a holiday lasagna dinner and then home to digest and rest some more and laundry needs doing and some other chores, but it's bedtime if i am wise as another long very busy week begins in the morning... so challenging mostly, but wonderful end (delish lasagna and desserts, all home made) and fun people... and your weekend was? :)

chocolate, sci-fi, and fish

stumbled back over to plenty of fish tonight and was i ever surprised to find that the average fish logs in to check their fishing three times a day and here i may have logged in twice this year... how un-average of me, aye? :)

i even sent a couple of messages before closing and while there's no sudden change or even hope for romance at all, maybe i connected with a couple of fun people (far away, but cool words may be exchanged if they respond... guess i'll have to try to remember to check the site again someday)...

work week over, yay, sort of... sort of cuz there's much more work to do and i ought to do some over the weekend and we shall see... meanwhile, a chocolate milk and chocolate creme party tonight caps off a fun night of wandering (swimming) through the fish and semi-watching sci-fi tv... maybe next time :)

stumbled back over to plenty of fish tonight and was i ever surprised to find that the average fish logs in to check their fishing three times a day and here i may have logged in twice this year... how un-average of me, aye? :)

i even sent a couple of messages before closing and while there's no sudden change or even hope for romance at all, maybe i connected with a couple of fun people (far away, but cool words may be exchanged if they respond... guess i'll have to try to remember to check the site again someday)...

work week over, yay, sort of... sort of cuz there's much more work to do and i ought to do some over the weekend and we shall see... meanwhile, a chocolate milk and chocolate creme party tonight caps off a fun night of wandering (swimming) through the fish and semi-watching sci-fi tv... maybe next time :)

so much running 'round my head

wonder how i stay in bed... so much running 'round my head... wonder why it is not said... not a sound, not a word... so much running 'round my head... wonder if anyone heard... so much running 'round my head...

did you know th first hip-hop record was put out in 1979?... yeah, the decade that brought us the demise of acid rock, the one night stand of disco, and the birth of punk rock and new wave (among other oddities, elton john not withstanding), also sprouted the very first actually commercially released recording of hip hop... i'm sure we all can sleep better now...

much work at work, already put in fifty hours this week, at least... one more day before my weekend of extra work at home work starts... maybe getting fired isn't such a bad idea after all...

laughter is still the best - hope yours is too :)

sleepiness ho

does that mean i am heading toward it or already there or something else again (used to have an lp with that title... actually, still might be in the storage place up north, but that's another life)... anyway, busy busy busy and more busy... woking more hours than i have since the eighties... and doing the veggie thing in between work and with softball season over for at least a month, can jelly belly be far behind?... might as wekk keep laughing, what's a good jelly belly for, after all? :)

hope you're enjoying your lemonade too :)

before i check you

i check myself...

that is, that is... what i mean to say is, as if that is not clear or something, is that in this particular sharing made up of putting words on this screen via the cyberspace highway or whatever we might call it now or then or someday, i start writing before looking anywhere else, usually... so if there are comments or reactions of any sort anywhere, like in comments (oh... doh?) or email or even on my phone (still 407-325-1482, in case you wondered how real (e)thereal still was, i mean, just look around, as in scroll just a bit, aye?), i do not know that (about the comments, reactions, etc that might be there, kapish?) until after i start writing a while, at least... see, cuz the writing started out for me and remains, first and foremost, for me... sanity and comfort and clarity and release and work and play and sing and dance and giggle and cry and scream and sigh and whatever else, the inside comes out before the outside comes in (in the place where i feel most like me)... any other way seems to be following and i am not in this world to follow, nor to lead, actually, which is probably why i am alone (amongst the many other logical reasons, aye?)... ya falla?...

lol, hope you woke with a peaceful smile too :)

listening to this
(in the place where i feel most like me)

here, gone, what's the difference?

goodness, there might actually be a difference as suddenly there are comments on old posts from old friends (or rather, blog family members) and i feel so silly for so many reasons that i won't even begin to innumerate or list them here, not a t'all, y'all (but i will laugh at myself (lam) as i thumb myself good, a phrase that should become all the rage in singapore and several other worldly venues on this blue green marble if my latest cyber fantasy girl gets her way, but this is all besides the point... oh, how i miss the babble-time sometimes... but who really misses the babbler, aye?)...

what?...

oh, yeah, thank you for rising from the dead, so to speak, and for leaving a few words... and meanwhile, in (e)thereal offline world (cuz that is what this blog is digging, ya know), so we won the first game and lost the second cuz the bats died, especially the big bats, as they so often do in games two or more, but at least we won the first... and the week is so busy at work there's no way all the work is getting done, so i'll focus on what the boss is asking for and let the rest slide on by... hell of a way to do the right thing (not), but it's survival mode and i'm sure not the fittest i've been lately so i'll compromise and fake it if i must...

so how's your week fluttering by? :)

thirty seven years

wow, skipped right over the whole few days surrounding this moment this year... how busy can life get that it distracts so well from the core even when nothing replaces the connection that life is about...

in this moment, celebrate your dream... and yourself...

and remember...

stress

seems i am burdening myself with a lot of it lately... stress over work, over moving, over money, over crap... stupid, really, stupid... that increases the loneliness as i have no friend close enough to lean on or even to vent to... alone again naturally is the story of this life mostly... and so it goes too...

spent the last few hours searching for apartments near work while wondering if i'll still be working there next year and wondering is signing a lease before january makes sense when i might move on from this job at the same time and would be better off opening my search for living situations way beyond this area... considering whether it is time to leave orlando, even... the west coast may be calling again... the north, no so much...

stress used to be cool, reason to exercise and adding to the excitement of the challenges of life like a roller coaster thrill, but lately it's interrupting sleep and that is the new experience that is not pleasant... i don't sleep much anyway, but i never found a challenge sleeping when i wanted to sleep... obviously need more exercise... obviously need to stop ignoring the stressors and use them to motivate the exercise like i used to... not growing old, am i? (ok, still laughing at that question, but want more time in the day more than ever)...

so i vent here again, (long time no babble, maybe that is the change i allowed that should be undone... if there was only more time... the song that never ends, sort of), fool on the hill style, and thank you for being out there, even if it's all in my mind most of the time :)

call me irresponsible

woke up thinking of work, but not just the job i have today, all the works i've ever worked including war games in the military and exterminating bugs and number crunching and counseling and even some leisure games and works worked for no money, the mind dreams on (and the music comes and goes, but always plays somewhere inside), with or without aerosmith playing in the background… and a bit of stress over wondering if i am being nudged out woke me as well… but today is a day off and i really must clear my head (what?... without drugs?... darn, why can’t they just legalize them all so non-drinkers can have what all the rest have in their alcohol, aye?)…

obviously the few days rushing through the softball tournament did not do enough head-clearing, so i carry the work with me now (idjit) and that may mean it is time to consider another change of profession or lifestyle or something like that… it would be much less stressful if i did not deplete my savings the last few months…

and on that note, i just returned from wandering the financial empire, including credit cards and rewards stuff, and while the savings has not replenished itself overnight (the dollars must be wearing condoms, aye?), the good news is it does not look like it’s going down too much more this month and i have a free round trip flight on southwest and another for $50 if i want to bring someone or take two trips myself… too bad southwest doesn’t fly to hawaii, i might not need the return… ah, life is amusing…

a day for me (sort of)

probably ought to sigh a long sheeeeesh and laugh, but all i find is a laugh, silent at that… futility or entropy or apathy or relativity or something akin to bliss without the adrenaline, or something like that… maybe i need a york peppermint patty… or a vacation from my vacations… a year on the beach might be a start… ah, if my only decision in life was to decide which beach to be a bum on… shall i smirk?... today might be a great day to catch up on housework left from last week, get the stinky softball weekend laundry done, and so on, ya know?... we shall see if it works :)

how many days this time?

whatever, aye?... this is today, whatever the date or time or day or rhyme… and just returning from a mixed bag weekend softball tournament down south in sunny ft. lauderdale (which would so easily add to your confusion if you don’t know me and delved into a search as some of us are apt to do to learn more via the internet instead of asking directly, aye?... what? lol lam laa :) on most every level (except the most important, but then, alas, the things we do, or don’t do, for love, cha cha cha know?) and three physical wounds are aching and healing (inner thigh/knee bruise, left pectoral bruise, and two bruised fingers on the pitching hand) and the drama continued to explode around us as our coach seems to find it (or it finds him) wherever we go every season and the bi-polar life that is this human experience continues (and a thousand words later, we might start to understand, but who has the time, aye?)...

where do we begin (to tell the story?)…

a few hours earlier

(thank the next entry, that is) i was pushing the body to a second day of softball after a rough first day and we started off as we usually do, rocking the ball and my pitching was great in spite of being tired, dehydrated (forgetting water and having someone go get some for me after a few innings), and having a few injuries including two fingers of my pitching hand that were painful and swollen… we shut out the team that beat us yesterday (they started the other pitcher and never overcame the runs scored due to his errors) 13-0… then, as usual, we had a let down in the second game and only scored 6 runs, leaving the tying run at second with the coach at the plate who grounded out to end the game… so we went 2-5 overall in two days… we are just not a “C” level team as much as the coaches want to believe we are… not enough consistent hitting and definitely not enough consistent fielding… but it was mostly fun and we’ll do it again in Orlando in a couple of months… hopefully with better organization and substitutions… long drive home to rest, eat, and party (self-indulgence :)

to sleep

the young boys went out to party and i went to bed cuz playing five softball games starting 8am and finishing 10:30pm in the south florida heat is enough, but having to get up at 6:30am tomorrow for another possible full day, well, i am letting wisdom override everything else… ah, but the truth is i am not into the stripper bar and drinking scenes they all went out to find… alas, alone again, naturally… and the day, while it ended semi-positive, was horrible from a softball standpoint... we lost the first four games we played, should have won three of them but the team played like they never played the game before, errors everywhere and the subs the coaches brought in sucked... i piched only two of the four loses and the other pitcher couldn't even bend over to catch the ball... a couple of other subs played just as poorly and one had a hostile attitude... strange choices that were supposed to improve our team... anyway, we won the last game so we play tomorrow but the drama of league politics closed the night and i wonder why i am paying to be here... but still good news cuz now, to sleep, dream or not :)

softball tourney blues

long hot horrible day of softball blues… so far we lost four games and if we lose one more, we don’t play tomorrow and i don’t understand the coaching moves… they brought in a second pitcher who seriously can’t bend over and kicks the ball toward first base if it is hit to him softly (anything not soft gets by him) and a second baseman with a nasty attitude who made almost as many errors on sure ground outs… and only one of the subs actually could hit the ball, so we are a fair “D” team playing in a “C” tournament and getting our butts kicked… doesn’t help that the half of the team that travelled for the tournament is not hitting well… we should have won three of the four games easily… anyway, now we wait three more hours for the last game of the day (losers get the worst schedule - play from 8am to 10:30pm) and it’s against a team we scored 28 runs on in Orlando, so if we don’t beat them, this was truly a wasted trip… on a positive note, the weather is beautiful :}

love softball

ah, beautiful day for a softball tournament… heading out from the hotel (Sheraton, don’t know why i treat myself to the luxury at twice the price of the la quinta down the street, but here i am in cushy beds and fountain gardens and waterfall pools and so on) to have some fun… hopefully the coaches found some good subs as half the team didn’t travel down with us… i love softball :)

road trip alone

heading down to ft. Lauderdale for the softball tournament… i’m not taking the laptop, so i’ll catch up on entries when i get back (as if anybody is paying attention, aye?... wait, someone just did, dang, there goes my perfectly ignored year… that’s a good thing, aye? :)

love days off

i love days off… staying up home alone playing the bowl bound game and watching tv with half an eye and relaxing (yay)... hope to have much fun and a great workout this weekend (and no drama, but then, the coaches are drama queens so it’s probably going to follow us, so hopefully not too much drama)… thinking about the long drive (alone) and spending money on a luxury hotel room (alone) and vacationing (alone) has loneliness popping up a bit, but still, it’s about the softball and i love the game and breaking from the routine a bit, so fun fun fun :)

hope your weekend is fun too :)

thanks

a little lonely, but much more comfortable as is the usual for me on this national holiday celebrating the almost complete genocide of a whole race of diverse humans tribal peoples… i don’t like the party atmosphere that has it’s roots in the lie, so i usually turn down invitations (three this year) and enjoy my own meditative peaceful time at home mourning human compassion which, if it ever really existed, is little more than a paper thin pretense these days…

oh, but don’t let my reality bring yours down, aye? (pardon my laughter, it is inappropriate on this day of mourning, but then, even the dead tribes learned to celebrate what life and land they have left)… besides, i had a ton of laundry and stuff to do to get ready for the softball tournament weekend in ft lauderdale… so do your thing on this thanksgiving day and hopefully, you know what you are doing and why you are doing it and it is meaningful for you today and every day of your life (for as long as you live la la la :)

seriously, even singing, laughing, and smiling (can the child inside still see the rainbows through the tears?... hope so, ah, and to follow the singing nun, stevi sings beautiful child, even if i am the only one who gets it all), thanks :)

life, or something like that

not a whole lot to say, just lazing the day away, alone in the place (jackson and happiness went up to family for the long weekend) and loving the time to myself… playing the college football game and glancing up at tv now and then and wishing the human race had more sense cuz i am living as a part of it again and have kind of trapped myself into continuing cuz i give so much away and don’t have much savings to wander off as i have in the past, but that’s the compromise of indulging the giving that i love…

and how’s your life? :)

extra days off

loving an extra day off… what madness started this five day work week?... stupid human insecurity and fear of facing one’s self and others in free time so people structured life so much that humans work themselves to death and not only forget how to stop and smell the roses, but lose contact with enjoying life as it can be enjoyed and experienced… being alive, feeling alive, experiencing life are alien concepts considered radical new age crap to the average working man or woman… a sad sickness that i wish i did not have to induge as much as i do, but then, that’s the lot i drew and chose to nurture in this life primarily because i am such to stupid martyr, deep down, or maybe i just wanted to fit in, or maybe it was all to impress a girl (the things we do for love?), or something like that…

still, loving the extra days off lol lam laa :)

so little time (ad infinitum)

not enough time to do all i need to do at work this week and hopefully that does not cost me this job, but if the ceo is really that foolish and greedy and insecure and power hungry then so be it… kind of a bi-polar week as i am so looking forward to time off and time to myself and time away from home and softball and fun and vacation and yet, missing someone who can and will share everything with me (but then, i’ve yet to meet anyone who can actually do that anywhere near my perspective and sharing from very different perspectives is not really sharing, if you know what i mean)… and suddenly, i don’t feel much like being online or pretending to be connected like i usually do… no great worries, i’ll be back (unless the body dies, in which case the scheduled post for 2013 will announce my probably death, but that’s another oddity for another time for now)…

thanks for understanding, or at least for trying to and sending compassion :)

work day

day one of a two day work week (which is truly how life should have been set up if human beings were not insane, but that’s besides the point, which should be the point, aye?) and as usual, too many distractions and emergencies and unexpected visits to get any work done… don’t feel like writing much… hope all is well in your world :)

wandering away

don’t think i did much this weekend, a lot of mind clearing with the football game and watching some sports on tv… spent one day out apartment hunting with jackson… have four prospects, need to search a bit more… drifting away from the online world, from the world in general… haven’t had time off from the working forld in a decade, so maybe it is coming like it or not, ready or not… don’t want to be on the street again though, but money doesn’t grow on trees and places to live require much money… no point in stressing, just enjoy the moments…

hope you are enjoying yours :)

long ago and far away

long ago and far away
someone i loved yesterday
was born on this date
and once again i'm late
to wish her a happy birthday

it may mean less to some, but no to me
and maybe it is still good to know
after all these years... i still love her so...

happy birthday dear friend
you know love never ends
in our hearts we still care
and that's why i am here

to sing

happy birthday dear friend
cuz the love never ends
in my heart you'll always be
a best friend for me


hope today was the best birthday ever!

(until next year :)

gone, not forgotten

(just ten days late, or something like that)

wow, ok, so i stopped writing here (uploading entries) and have not even been online since the last entry (a reaction to just the thought of or just the word deadlines? lol lam) and suddenly, the next however many entries pop up as if they were always here when in thereal they were patched together from memory and the roller coaster of emotions piled up in the corners of my mind from the ten days away and this entry slides in just to keep the timeline honest (cuz we’re in (e)thereal, right?... yeah, right, continue lol lam)…

and the irony is i return to find words from a loving heart left for me all those days ago (could have been today, looking at the date stamps, aye?) and i wish i was here to hug the words on time, but here is the hug as meaningful to me as ever cuz i am just finding the caring and it is rshing through me like a wonderful high (imagine your favorite chemical/food rush… i’ll imagine chocolate, naturally)…

that’s the beauty of love, all the wonderful physiological goodness and none of the calories :)

thank you for being, j, and make your day beautiful (you too rest of the world :)

deadlines

i don't like deadlines, in fact, my subconscious rebels against deadlines so well that when i am presented with a deadline, the first thought process appears to be how bad will it be if i miss the deadline... i suppose that prioritizing deadlines is sensible, so i could rationalize it professionally and all, but i laugh at that even as i'll sell it well when it matters (like to keep a job or to put a smile on a friend's face, for instance... remember belated birthdays?)...

so when i come here to leave a few words to record bits and pieces of this life i experience for myself and anyone who cares, i smile happilly (sometimes gleefully) at the written words (for the love of words) and smile (sometimes euphorically) at the caring that keeps me coming back to record this life and smile (almost always blissfully peacefully) at the hope that keeps me sharing the words publically and i smile (sometimes wistfully) at the loneliness that wants someone to share the life i experience in words and in the physical space and time and so, i hope for a comment of some sort like the moment after i leave a few words here like "cool" or "yay" or "wow, wish i had your life" (ok, so the last one is ridiculous ego crap, but it's worth a try... or a laugh), but even though i wish someone cared enough to be waiting for words and share back immediately, there is no deadline for a few caring words to be left here...

hint...

if you are not laughing, you were never really here :)

wild wired and what?

once again you may never know, but that's only one of the many layered ignorances missed (you may never even read this, after all), but days gone by will be gone and missing time will be filled in and yesterday will be written tomorrow (famous last words?) cuz i am in one of those goofy silly profoundly (irreverently?) wise moods, cha cha cha (relative to your level of awareness, of course, though not necessarilly naturally, snark (pass the acid and turn on the rainbow strobes, nyuk, nyuk, narf)...

what?... yes, all six harry potter films were watched this week, the last four in the past twenty four hours... so much excitement, even if it was not exponentially increased by sharing the experience... we are doancing alright now, yay :)

watching the pot

and go figure, it's not boiling... but then, i am actually watching the pot-ter, as in the harry poter series, all six released films, cuz the seventh is being released at midnight and while i have attended the first midnight showing in years past, this year i am skipping it mostly cuz i didn't time watching all the videos just right (one more to go at midnight) cuz i had a softball game tonight (won 20-7 to finish the season 3-3-1 which is good considering we were 1-3 after four games)...

sometimes i wish i was magical and sometimes i wish i had a mission in life like harry does, but mostly i just wish i had friends like the friends in the film... and a little more snogging would be nice too (narf :)

loving the fun (and did i mention time off work? :)

right, so what day was this?

wow, with a snappy-go-lucky title like that this entry ought to be epic, or something worth reading and repeating and rinsing, even... but since i forgot what i did on whatever this day was, it's epic fail except for the chuckle the irony of time manipulation and memory disparity provides to those who may or may not get it...

more work, no office straightening, but work got done at work... and home, started watching the potter series, right?... i think so... preparing for the release of the seventh film, part one... and are you enjoying your week as much as i am enjoying mine? (not that i own time or anything)... hope so... do it, it's more fun than not doing it (enjoying, that is :)

not left to my own devices

i was always safest when left to my own devices... well, ok, maybe safest is not the right word... most balanced... most likely to survive intact and happy... lonely, yes, but intact and happy and healthier than when i am not left to my own devices...

so tonight i was invited out to dinner and ate with friends and the lighter healthier eating pattern i started last night lasted one day and we can only hope it starts again tomorrow... waking lighter and less bloated this morning was a good feeling... a very good feeling that permeates everything and i would really like to continue improving on that feeling... really?... well, if yes, then i will actually do it, won't i?... who am i asking?... ditto?... still, not getting enough sleep...

not left to my own devices...

high school best friends

when i was in high school i had a few best friends... some were male, some were female, some even came with benefits... today, as in this date of the year, is the birth date of two of those high school best friends (one with benefits, which makes the memory even more fun no matter how much we might giggle with some public embarrassment or something like that)... so even though they and perhaps no one will ever read this (oh, how very dramatic), i cheer with the jumping up and down goofiness of an old best friend singing out loud (much to the puzzlement of the dog, the neighbors {cuz it's probably the quietest party they ever overheard}, and the neighbors dogs, maybe)

happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthdat dear barb and ray
(pause with a smile)
happy birthay to yous
yeah... yous :)

so little time (how many times)

yeah so it goes like this again, how many times have i titled something so little time cuz that's life, that is where i am again, better off carefree on the street?... not so sure sometimes, but then. comforts are comfortable... still, it is time to bring down the expenses cuz i am covering two full time lately and i don't have that much income to do that without some budgeting... i just detest budgeting... and there's so little time...

eat soup, pasta, tuna, house food for a month or few at least and maybe things will stop the downward slide of the past few months, but there are still two full months of over-extension and drain on savings... stop with the bummer already, ok?... ok...

busy day at work and did not get done what i intended cuz so many other things needed doing... must get in a couple of hours early tomorrow to get more done before orientation (i'm up 8 to 10:30) and then morning meeting and then quality council and then, maybe some work and then, afternoon meeting with the boss so when to do the work that needs to be done...

no, not tonight... i'm gonna watch tv and vege, so there :)

ridiculouso, or something like that

unless, of course, you can (want to) see (care) the meaning in the minutia of moments expressed in words, sometimes rather randomly and always with a playful creativity cuz word-play is half the fun of the recording of a life in words, but if not, then as you wish :)

sleep should be provided to the mind soon, or at least to the body (cuz it is possible that the mind never truly sleeps in the same way the body sleeps and in some way, neither stops the life process even when it appears to be still and unconscious, but some sort of stillness and unconscious, whether called sleep or rest or whatever, ought to be provided this body and mind soon as another bosy work week starts in the morning...

but the adrenaline rush lingers after a wonderful weekend of fun and rest and exercise and today's exercise nudged the gears of life within just enough to motivate me to want more (even as the reality of life allows no more time for tonight) and we hope it continues cuz these gears i refer to are relatively infinitely slow (as in stillness and eternity, which is relatively timeless) and perhaps by next year, the change will return...

obtuse?... obscure?... or just the way it is in e(thereal) beyond the words (that which is not expressable in words)... it is here to explore when you arrive...

and home again

another wonderful sunday pushing the body to maximum limits (though not max overdrive) and sure enough, all the wonders prophesized in previous entries came to pass and then, the evening games were a win and a loss, the win when the energy was high and i was sending it out all over the field, the loss when the negative energy pushed it's way on to the field cuz i grew tired and we have a very self-destructive negative nilly (but that's for another candor, no doubt) and so i retired for the last two innings and gave others a chance to lead and hopefully the fun did not discontinue, cuz it was a wonderful weekend for me and sometimes it is time to close my eyes and let my world unfold before me, as linda ronstadt once sang... understand and you are hugged, if not, your move and i offer a smile all the same :)

someday we'll all understand :)

new plan

so usually i head to the other field after the first game to get ready for the game in the other league but instead, today i head home to play some basketball and knock myself out as if i was a much younger pup like those i play with and sure enough, i survive and feel better than ever (or at least better than the last month or so of uber-vegetation)... kick some basketball butt, i did... some might say, oh, but they were girls and then i'd say yeah, but they are much younger, got better moves, and they do play me two on one cuz we play a three way game of twenty-one, if you know what i mean... yeah, that's the next couple of hours, if you know what i mean... wish you were here to understand more, if not share more, cuz you might :)

again, back a moment

this morning i woke to shower and head to the batting cages before heading to the field for the first game of the day and the rampage won to give us an 8-3 record on the year, the only losses coming to the 'B' level teams and we beat one of those one time... at least that is what will happen in the next few hours (oooo eeeee aaaahhhh, as robert klein might say)...

start your sunday out special too :)

vegetative saturdays

especially when fridays are action-packed, solitary saturday grazing at home in the field of mindless fun has become the pattern at least every third or even two saturdays a month of late, at least one, that is, and today was one of those...

such a simple way to inspire a smile and peaceful calming smile at that... hope you find your way to such a smile regularly, often even :)

sometime earlier

earlier than usual for a saturday, that is, i woke and started playing the college football game again and relaxed in my room while jackson and her visiting friend from out of town who came down to share the fun of universal yesterday watched college football in the living room and did some other stuff and i nodded off for a sweet nap later (since time is relative in the catch-up entry cycle we are sort of in at the moment and sort of because not all of these are catch-up entries and we may never be sure which are which, as if that matters to anyone outside of us (who me?... all i ever needed was the one, ya know :)

enjoy your day too :)

still got'em

dees dang bad habits, dat is… again (all together now), eating too much, snacking too much, working too much, spending too much, avoiding too much, distracting too much, alone too much, exercising too little, sleeping too little, budgeting too little, orgasming too little, loving too little, maybe flirting too little and a few other things too much or too little depending on mood and perspective and the cycle of the moon and tea leaves and who knows what else (i know), and all that jazz (y’all shoulda had that last bit down pat by now)…

even if you are not here (smirkle jerkle)…

all this on a wonderful day out at the theme park, islands of adventure to be precise, specifically checking out the new harry potter part which, even though there was some grand disappointment due to hype and expectation, was wonderful (did in say wonderful enough yet?... wonderful) wherein i walked almost non-stop for nine plus hours (in moccasins, no less) and felt energized and wonderful (yes, wonderful) physically when i got home, so out it was to play cards (one the first, second place for the second game, don’t want to win them all, after all, no fun for anyone else… shhhh, it’s our little secret right here on the www) and home again right here and now on the pot root toot tee toot tapping away at the keys for all and anyone caring or stopping by, not to mention posterity and oblivion…

and in the end (profound abbey road moment comming up, harry... be sure to tell tom and dick and the band), i've still got it in spite of the fact that i've still got'em, aye?...

hope your day and night was just as wonderful too :)

and if i was here

at the time-date stamped on this entry (if there is such a thing in the current formate template whatchamacallit as stated somewhat in the previous entry) there was exhausted excitement and smiling fun lingering from a happy-filled day at the theme park as i'll say and did say in previous and future entries here no matter when they were or are written and regardless of the time-date stamp, anyway, yay for happy places and fairy tales and sci-fi and fantasy and all the people who create and enjoy the playfulness of imagination and imaginary places...

wish you were here to share the fun... now, to finish watching the second harry potter dvd and then, out to play cards with friends... cuz that is what i would have written if i was here :)

bubbling

see, if i would have written this entry at the time-date stamp time-date above (or wherever it might be, if it's showing in this incarnation of this blog, or even if it's not, at the time and date of the thought of the expression in words (and the feelings) extrapolated from mind and memory and history for posterity or something like that, i would have to use the word bubbling cuz i am up super early on a weekday not for work, but to shower and head out to harry potter's world at universal studios where we will be wandering in just a couple of hours...

bubbling :)

just a day off

and it has me so excited... oh, what a weird life this is, that we toil away at monotonous jobs for most of our lives (though some jobs are more mono than others and mine is rather unpredictable compared to most, which is one reason i love it, but even so, too much of anything makes a dull warthog, boy too) when life can be so much more wonderful and exciting and meaningful if we could just explore it in all it's diversity with most of our time... yeah, yeah, yeah... yeah lol...

must sleep tonight in spite of being wired... got just enough done at work and then the softball team finally won another game... we played a poor hitting team and in spite of a few errors, i struck out like eight or more and we won by a few runs... i got on three times, knocked in two runs, but two of the times there were bases loaded and i had to sprint to beat a double play both times... so i hit ok, not great, but pitched very well and we won (yay) and then, stopped for taco bell again (shhhh) and then, the second harry potter movie was on when i got home and we watched half of it before they (jackson and friend) fell asleep... and then, early day tomorrow at harry potter world at universal studios ya ya ya :)

i'll try to get to sleep eventually :)

you? :)

home, hungry, tired, and a touch of whatever

which of course inspires a smile in my weird ways... mind... mind?... maybe it's not a question after all, or is it?... whatever :)

eat some soup and mashed potatoes and watch some ncis and maybe watch the second harry potter if jackson watchs to when she gets home (if we are awake enough) and then sleep and out early tomorrow for a meeting and more of the same, or better... hope yours is fun too :)

thought i was asleep

yeah, nodded off so sweetly in this chair after eating dinner and then, stargate universe attracted my attention long enough to keep me awake and then, i went to bed and sure enough, no sleep cuz the brain was thinking and the body was begging for exercise (well, maybe not begging) and i almost went out for a run or to the gym and then, i went online and watched the laci green show on blog tv, which is ridiculous for any number of reasons except that she gives me hope for humans, sort of, and i fell asleep watching/listening...

and then i went to bed and fell asleep...

if you are fascinated and can't wait for more, you really ought to tell me already, ya know? :)

stretching to the limit again

stretching?... sorta... drifting along in others hands is more like it... i am so tired of human frailty and the self-destructive trips they take me on when i try to interact with others... down deep, i am still not sure whether people want to love or destroy each other... i am pretty sure it's both, the question is, which desire is stronger...

(e)thereal...

food, fun, videos

finally we watched the first harry potter tonight after indulging in taco bell and stuffing the border and sending positive energy out as much as possible and here i am again, craving more sharing and stimulus and so i spend a couple of hours watching youtube videos (some popped into random pop news) and remembering how to smile and love and feel and all that emo stuff and now, later than it should be once again, i am about to head for bed...

life is sweet, even unshared :)

ouch in the wallet

ok, so i finally went to the bank and found that the drain is higher than i thought and seven thousand dollars later, i am very much at the low end of my emergency savings (should be flashing red lights and all, but i glaze in a blaze of blase, or something like that) and that totally sucks, but real is real and i've got to accept it (see why i've avoided the bank the past few months, aye?)... it is time to make a change (before i run out of change, sheesh, somehow the humors continue to keep me sorta sane :}

no worries, be happy, yeah yeah yeah yeah...

middle of nowhere

i ought to be asleep when this entry is uploaded, hence the title, and the bottom line (when does appear now and then) is who cares... not the question, but the person... the one who care is why all these words are here and if that one never appears (or does not appear in my lifetime), then the words will be here whenever... all the miniscule minutia of this life as i live it, the emo roller coaster and the laughter that follows, the momentary concerns and dramatic pauses and ups and downs and turn arounds and all through it i try to stay positive and live up to my ideal way, honesty without harm.. it’s not always easy…

but the one(s) who care(s) will understand and appreciate the effort…

hope you have something you believe in this much too :)

sometimes frustration

yeah, me, in spite of the fact that you would never believe it could possible happen given how practically perfect i am in every way being so purely positive and innocently optimistic and all that wonderful child-like splendor in the grass or breakfast at tiffany’s or butterflies are free or something like that , i too can slip into the fool’s gold of negativity from time to time and experience (brace yourselves now) frustration…

i know, unbelievable…

perhaps there should be some dramatic music now as that seemed a bit like the introduction of a melodrama emo-rich tv series or something… there are a million frustrations in the naked city, ya know?... why doesn’t anybody care about me or mine? (da da duh)…

headache, belly bloat, softball team that makes a couple of dozen errors every game, an unappreciative, overbearing, micromanaging boss, emo neediness and financial neediness and all sorts of neediness all around me… the headache and belly bloat from indulging the taste buds (emo eating feels so good going down, ya know?) is momentary discomfort… as for softball, a couple of dozen error and some horrible umpiring later, i realized i should have skipped the afternoon game too... it's sad when i can't trust anybody on the team to catch a ball hit or thrown or just to throw the ball straight... but anyway, the softball team is a passing burp in the emotional life… the boss is a daily challenge that is mostly worth it cuz i love the job and even enjoy the challenge of negotiating his personality… the deeper longer harder (oh baby) drama of this life is that it is challenging to just keep giving all the time and not having someone to lean on, to depend on, to share the load… and even though that’s been life as i’ve known it from the very start, it’s challenging and yes, frustrating, sometimes…

yeah, the real is not always sweet and shiny, and still i am somehow amused... i mean, i was really looking forward to the harry potter marathon (alas, we can't always get what we want, even if we try sometimes, but still, someday my princess will come, la la la)...

must be some sort of madness, aye? :}

wasted sunday

at least that's how most humans would label it, even me at times (cuz i'm a human, or so i've been told)... skipped morning softball practice cuz 9am was just too early and it was cold outside (wah wah wah, ya know?)... slept late, played the college football game for hours, now, jackson came home and we head out to play softball...

may your day be as much relaxing and fun too :)

saturday cleaning

laundry from morning to night and some cleaning, but not much considering the volume of stuff that needs to be either boxed, given away, through away, unplacked, or somehow dealt with... too much stuff for one room, that's for sure, but that's part of living with a roommate, stuffing everything into one room... and this is a bigger place than the next place (we've got to move, it's just too expensive here)... it's amazing how much clothing piles up after a few weeks cuz i wear two, sometimes three outfits a day (basketball, softball, gym) and sometimes three or four changes of t-shirts in a night... and towels and sheets and now, all clean :)

now maybe next saturday i'll make a dent in the stuff :)

change of plans

the ucf game was on tv, so we watched that instead of starting the potter marathon... mac and cheese and chocolate creamy cake for dinner, yum yum... and ucf won again, yay yay... and wandering the web... and playing with happiness... and enjoying the cool (as in air temperature) night... and dancing in the dark...

you? :)

happy fifth v

yeah, viva duh revolutio, rufio... just remember, pan may know and you can too... i miss the waterboys, but all secret messages aside, home early to jazz up life (or maybe get some laundry and cleaning done since i'm way behind on such tasks and next week, the office...

exciting, aye?... well, the excitement builds later when jackson and i start our harry potter marathon in preparation to visit universal studios harry potter park and then, the following week, see part of the seventh movie... geekhood, ho!...

hope your life is fun too :)

turned off the net

that's what google and microsoft and all the crap commerical faulty greedy companies do, they turn me off the net and leave me with little desire to come and write and trust the words will be here when i click post or when i come back hoping for a comment or some contact... so i've been writing in my own offline world, in my books, as i've done since i was a little child... more often of late, as the net's superficiality is too glaring to ignore sometimes... someday my princess will come and share something real, right dia? :)

thank goodness for self-mockery, aye? lol lam laa :)

up yours google

yeah, I wrote a wonderful entry and google ate it, suckers, suddenly they are demanding my password every day and disconnecting me from my account with way too frequent regularity… is it the stupid microsoft vista crap software doing it too?... today my my documents folder view was reset… comebody hacking into my computer and playing head games?... more likely just another computer glitch… computer glitches, that’s probably one of the best names for this era in human history…

so I’ve been gone, and google/Microsoft helped…

how are you? :)

same question, different day

ummm, yup, about the same,,, work work work, yummy food, vegging with the tv, and oh yeah, playing hearts on the computer... boring in many ways, would prefer spaces and more competition, but it occupies the mind and keeps the multi-level synaptic exercise active even while i let the body entropy and for all intensive purposes, let the mind wander aimlessly...

and you? :)

what did i do today?

heck if i remember... work work work is all i've been focused on this week, so i know i worked... lots of work... mostly for others and not on any of the projects that would be considered my job, but that's the way it goes in that place... and vigging at the tv after work and eating yummy food, that is somewhere in the mix too...

you missed it too, aye? :}

what i meant was

sliding in to (into) a slight rut again... yeah, the previous post being explained by the current post and why else is this here?... well, i won the fantasy football game this week, bringing my record to 4-4, which gets me back in a playoff spot at the halfway point of the season... and the giants win the series (repeat 3x, aye?) and indy wins and the blood orange soda is serious (it's imported from italy, yeah, italiam soda, cool aye?)... and fool i am, i am still awake (there's too much fun going on in my head to miss it... silly to you, fun for me :)

the rut is lack of exercise for the body... i mean beside the long days in the sun playing softball on sundays and the brief game thursday night, the past few weeks have been lazy at home... and candy the past week didn't help... and all the other yummy indulgent food doesn't help... the brain is having fun, but the body feels the bloat and fatigue... jackson's working like three jobs and going to school too, so she hasn't had time to play baskeyball or go to the gym so it's all her fault lol :)

baskeyball? lol :)

slightly rutting

and so it goes, life, that is, but sometimes i'd much rather be righting slutty, really i would... but life is not always reasonable, no less lucky, so i enjoy what i do and treasure what i've got and hope for someone who can and who wants to do it with me who also has the look (or the righting slutty part is not much fun)... so work was busy and very little of my routine work got done, two external investigations, video reviews (with the broken camera systems which take much longer), a couple of hours of the annual mandatory training, more and more la la la...

home for a fat free turkey sandwich with fat free cheese and fat free mayo and mustard on a real live onion roll and then some frozen yogurt with hot fudge... yum... and while nodding off, watching ncis and the world series and monday night football... need to do laundry, but vegging is more fun... and restful... and fun...

you having fun? :)

good tired

yeah, little sleep, two parties and watched a college football game live (UCF beat ECU easily) and three softball games (won two, lost to the "A" division team, beat the "B" division team), 180 swings at the batting cages, walked a bunch of miles, and soaked up a ton of sun... long busy weekend with fun and exercise and socializing and fun...

hope you had fun too :)

fun and fear

halloween is all about fun and fear, not so much about trick or treat, but the latter has stolen all the literary mentions over the last few years, so it was this halloween party lisa borrowed... and so it was fun and i won scariest costume and the beat thing was not knowing where to park the car (so i walked from the apartment sorta...

and then, home and browsing the web and loving every minute of it (jerry?... hey moe?... fun! :)

still going (better than eveready)

yeah, so good game, big win for the kights... jackson and her mom and dad appeared to have much fun too... after the game, we went to giovanni's for dinner and it was the second consecutive time the server could have been better and this time the cooking was poor (burnt the pizza and actually served it burnt to the table) and served five full minutes apart (at least) so the veggie pie did not arrive until the other pie was consumed which was not how it was intended...

and now, out to a halloween party - keep making yours fun too :)

wake up sleepyhead

get up, get up, get out of bed (just don't get used to this sort of demand for being precisely on-time) or wouldn't it be sweet if the answer to the following question was by default, yes for anyone asking large groups and claiming to have an answers are you ready to handle the actual circumstance, responsibility, and ramifications of the event?

yeah, off to the ucf - ecs game, go knights...

some sleep, maybe

yeah, even though the computer powers made self-searching and pleasuring (via mental intellectual language) this night, the morning does not break as it used to, these days, some sleep may be all that is keeping this head containing the brain containing the consciousness i have identified as me, mostly...

so much laughter comes from the word play :)

amazing rip-offs

the toshiba corporation sells the laptop with toshiba, microsoft, and sun microsystems software on it and who is responsible for the product when incompatibility and shoddy workmanship prevents a positive customer exprience?... the customer for buying the crap...

almost an hour and a half of my life was just spent waiting for the laptop to shut down and reboot because programs froze... so much crap running in the background so much crap not compatible with other crap, so much much bullshit in american pride and japanese pride and human pride in a job well done...

the laptop hard drive is still spinning wildly trying to start up a half hour after the hour plus reboot finally allowed me to open this window and start typing... it is a crime, ethically, but it should be a crime legally...

yeah, right, so?

enjoying voices (and the combination of talent and adorableness doesn't hurt either, well, not much, sigh, {loneliness aches, heart breaks, earth quakes, chocolate cakes} will you blossom for me?) as you can continue to see and hear as you wish (yeah, right, so i am still awake and who knows, who cares, yabba dabba do dah day o ho ho ho and goblessus everyone)...

laughter is the best medicine :)

nite nite (for an hour or two)...

still awake

maybe it's the night owl, the nocturnal being i am (of course it is) and maybe some of the impetus can be found on the previous posts and the browsing and the decision to nudge myself a bit more to visit twitter and facebook and so on (but is the answer really there?... or blowing in the wind, for that matter?) and drop a few words cuz there are people i care about and it seems some will only keep in touch on facebook or other indirect ways (who said toronto?), so though less and less lately, i shall stop by the online haunts now and then... and so i did again tonight...

sleep?... wisdom is not always wise :)

and here is the real

i wandered the web for however long i was gone from here and found nothing appealing to the real... facebook no longer feels real to me, it's just another distraction from real life, just another way to avoid actual communication... leaving notes for people when they are not available is one thing, but posting public messages to no one or even sending group messages to anyone when actual interactive contact can be shared by phone is avoiding the contact and less satisfying for me than ever before... living with a real person has something to do with that, but being online for more than two decades also puts the whole key-tapping lifestyle into perspective...

as does this: a wake up call for us all (are you online too much?... is your online activity affecting your real life offline?... hope it's positive for you)... as for me, i'll keep my updates here (or wherever the next stop is for my endless babbling) as i've been doing since i first learned to write and use the written word for myself as i do (ask if you don't understand what i mean by that) for me and posterity and anyone who cares, but i hope, if you find my daily updates here or anywhere, that you give me a call and/or come on over and make it real...

enjoy your life and treasure it and everyone who is really in it and please try to remember, life is offline, here we share words for a moment and that's nice, sweet, great, and sometimes wonderful, but the real people who matter are flesh and blood right there in your physical space...

i appreciate you sharing words here or anything online... but you are welcome to make it more real and meaningful by calling or sharing offline even more, for it is then, offline, in the flesh, that matters most...

first stop (as it used to be)

as it used to be, this (e)thereal blog is becoming the first stop at the computer before checking online anywhere else because, as it used to bem, the writing is primarily for myself and all the seeking of inspiration outside of myself and my physical experiences, senses, perspectives, perceptions, and so on is an escape valve brought on by diminished self-respect, esteem, and empowering loneliness so this is a good sign after all this time alone that this first stop feels as natural and right and good as it always did, as it used to be...

some work done at work, but mostly a drifting day as the morning meetings sucked up the am and brain fatigue and distraction sucked up the pm... there is some organizing going on, but not as much as could be if my focus was sharp and my energy was higher... breakfast and some sort of mid day meal would be wise...

left early to shop for halloween since i am doing as i've done every year for the past five years, going in at 6am tomorrow to set up the haunted house for the kids and i talked the boss into throwing me $50, but the rest i'll donate myself as i do every year... the kids love it and even if no one else appreciates it, that is (the kids) what really matters...

home to eat and change and spend a bit of time with jackson who hurt cuz a very close second father figure died today and she went out to talk to someone who could help so i went to softball and as usual, we played strangely, giving the other team five and six outs every inning due to errors and hitting inconsistently, ending up with a 15-15 tie... i knocked in the tying run and the winning run was on second, but the two batters following me could not bring her home, so tie... better than the three game losing streak we were on, but we should have won the game... shoulda coulda woulda, aye?... fun, anyway :)

and home wired and hungry (emo hunger?... probably 60-70% or more) and ate vegetarian vegetable soup and spaghetti and meatballs and fat free american cheese (casserole style) cuz it was easy and watched the end of the world series game two (can a team {texas} fall apart in the 8th inning any worse?) with jackson and she went to bed and i'm sitting here tapping the keys and now, we are up to date with most if not all of what happened today and now, considering the second stop online as the body/brain is still wired but reminding myself that i must sleep some and have a very early morning and long day on my feet in costume ahead tomorrow... fun fun fun and no t-bird required, nyuk...

how much fun are you making in your life? :)

yeah, i really do want to know...

sweet music

words and music can tear through me like nothing else, sometimes even deeper than the eyes of a lover, it is like a cathartic rain or scrubbing of a wound, there may be pain at first but the healing feels so good and for those who understand, no explanation is necessary... some of the songs that cut so wonderfully tonight:

The One - Meg and Dia
Nineteen Stars - Meg and Dia
Seasons of the Heart - John Denver
Heart to Heart - John Denver
Vincent - Don McLean
Believe - Elton John
Like a Song - Lenka
The Late Show - Jackson Browne
Wasted Time - The Eagles
Don't Forget - Demi Lovato
Come to My Window - Melissa Etheridge
I Wanna Come Over - Melissa Etheridge
The Show - Lenka
True Gold - The Telling
Maybe - The Moody Blues

and a few newer ones that kind of soften the blows like anesthesia cuz they don't cut so deep, but rather they allow the mind to rest with spacey words and music (kinda) so the next cleansing scrub can begin... or something like that :)

Drifting - Jarah Jane
Party - Demi Lovato
Live Like You're Dying - Lenka
Castles in the Air - Don McLean
Dreams - John Denver
Quiet - Demi Lovato
Remember December - Demi Lovato
Believe in Me - Demi Lovato
La La Land - Demi Lovato
Late for the Sky - Jackson Browne

what does it all mean... who wonders? :)

repeat, rinse, bloat

much deliciousness at toojays, a rachel sandwich, for those of you who know, and an egg cream... yeah, i know, i was going to stop and eat light the rest of this week, but nooooo, i just had to get together with precious to catch up and of course that meant dinner on me... at least i didn't do the usual which would have been a side of onion rings and potato pancakes and a seriously decadent dessert and b-l-o-a-t would have exploaded, but instead, it just was mild... the not wonderful part is that the belly and body do not get a night off from yummy fatty food so the extra pound or few gets added on instead of dropping off... oh, and the pepperidge farm montauk cookies don't help i suppose... yummy...

work was busy and nothing i planned to do today got done... must focus better tomorrow and not allow so many other tasks pull me away (but that's the nature of the work and part of what i love about it cuz too much predictability can get boring... thing is, there's just too much work for one person to reasonably get done, so i have to take way too many shortcuts and that's the part of the work i like least, though the kid in me who still enjoys the feeling of getting over on the man {old hippie phrase, ya know?} snirks at the silly game business forces good people to play to be a success)...

we stopped at a video store after dinner and i walked out with seven used videos, holiday movie favorites and some others... yeah, i know, i was supposed to be not spending money anymore too... the most expensive video was the one precious wanted... shush... and i finally got to the post office for the first time this month and lots of junk and also, fun stuff too... time to open mail and packages... hope your day and night was fun too :)

ka-boom~!

kidding (i think)... yeah, so anyway, the car started, barely, and go figure, i went to work and the boss called me to say he'd be late for our morning meeting... so i left to go check the battery and sure enough, bad battery... almost $90 later, new battery in the old car...

we didn't get to the gym... jackson got home late and too tired and i zoned into tv with stargate universe and caprica and the blowt headache and overheating and blah blah blah all the way home (hey, whatdya think i am, a little piggy or something?... bang bang maxwell's silver hammer, ya know?)...

so are we having fun yet?

big blowt

yeah, pigged out again tonight... unplanned... maybe jackson will come home and drag me to the gym... maybe i'll go... maybe i'll do some serious exercise... slowly, cuz i wouldn't want my head to explode... yeah, stroke will do me in eventually, just don't know why i'm helping it out so much... thereal?... (e)thereal?... anything's possible :)

hope you're having fun too :)

battery low

the car battery, that is... i am hoping the car starts tomorrow and then i'll head out to get a battery check during the day or right after work... if the car does not start tomorrow, oh well, i screwed up didn't i... who's asking?... whatcha gonna do about it... oh yeah?... battery low...

meanwhile, in the oven, the ribs are cooking... tummy ribs for dinner tonight, a whole rack of baby back ribs for $7 (expiration date was 10/26, so it was on sale) and meanwhile in another room, the laundry is spinning... yes, getting some house work done... i have a load of loads of laundry and figure if i start tonight, i might actually get done by wednesday and then i can play softball thursday and go out and play friday and saturday and still be all cleaned up before jackson's parents come for the weekend on friday... yay for visitors who inspire cleaning and all that house work stuff, aye?...

meanwhile, in the bathroom, the drain cleaner is cleaning the pipes and the bleach is sanitizing the the bowl and tile around the bowl... did i mention i was getting some housework done?...

hope you're day is cleaning up too :)

the facebook life

the current most popular form of the internet life is all the rage with the largest market of cross-cultural diversity since the advent of cyberspace (following the youthful myspace craze) is, as some of you may have heard (sarcastically, of course), facebook... in pondering the place in life that facebook has taken in recent years, the following status blurb found it's way on to my facebook page:

laughing at the fact that i get text messages to remind me to check facebook messages that remind me of events i have been invited to (sometimes)... and laughing at myself for rhetorically wondering whatever happened to phone calls (oh yeah, voicemail :)

for posterity, at least :)

creamed

and the bloatedness of the day is fading, but it did not help during the second softball game as the team fell apart once again in the last inning... nobody was hitting (i went 2 for 3, but my one out was a ground out with the bases loaded, cringe)... and going into the last inning down 10-2, suddenly nobody could field at all (it was not so great before that as we gave the other team at least six outs each inning) and two of the guys ran into each other and one was hurt enough to have to sit down and so we played with three outfielders and gave up a dozen more runs or so and then nothing in return (as the home team) and another huge loss for the second sunday team... oddly, we beat last year's champs in the first game of the season and since then, nothing...

still had some fun and may be more dedicated to un-bloating and re-exercising and dropping more of the excess body weight and doing some more upper body work and maybe even cleaning up my space at work and home (cuz it's way too cluttered) and will all that make life even better?... dunno, but it's something to do :)

hope your day was fun too :)

bloated sunday

yup, ate that crap from taco bell yesterday and feel maximum bloat today... too much bean and bread, not enough anything else... yeah, taco bell sucks around here, even the next day...

meanwhile, the first sunday softball team came through in the last inning to take the lead and hold the other team for the win... i sat and watched and hit like crap, only going 1 for 3... stopping home now to watch some football with jackson (light yogurt for lunch cuz i am hungry, but way too bloated to eat anything solid) and then the afternoon game with the second sunday league...

hope your sunday is fun too :)

tweeting too

yes that's right (excited buzz), i am tweeting on twitter (where else?) and posting on facebook (occasionally these days, like once or twice a week most weeks) and partaking in all the latest fads and fashions online, in case anyone has not noticed and might want to...

the drive to communicate is a powerful force, obiwan :)

saturdaze night

major disappointment in the taco bell product and advertising scam cuz their advertising lies qhich is gross suckage... the chalupa barley had any beef, not less double, and so it goes... but we had quiet relaxing at home fun anyway... watching games on tv, playing games on the computers, and dancing with the stars in our eyes (or something like that)...

hope your saturdaze night was fun too :)

lazy saturdaze

slightly nodding off earlier, leftover pizza, college footbll, ncis, browsing a bit, facebook a bit, semi-communicating, text or few, and that's how i while away the day in the merry old land of here and now... gonna meet up with jackson in a bit to indulge in taco bell cuz the double beef chalupa has been calling my name...

hope you enjoyed your saturdaze even more :)

drifting through again

cuz something in the physical world pulled me away from the computer (and internet, and therein, this blog and facebook and all i do online) for another few days (shhh, the catch up entries will make it seem like this particular time reference is like, huh?... scratch head... and so on) full of fun and emo and work and emo and a bit of tv and some sleep and pizza and chocolate, but primarily, friends (cuz friends pull me away from the internet more easily than anything else, even more easily than games and my own inner play, but no time for the football game or introspection this break)...

might be time to catch up today though as i have no plans until tomorrow (softball at 11am and 5:30 pm with a couple of hours break in between to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine (if the weather cooperates) and whatever comes up along the way wherever i wander around town...

hope you enjoy your days off too :)

deep in sleeplessness

some tv (missed caprica, but i am apparently still signed up to automatically buy amazon digital copies of the show at $1.89 a file, which is a surprise cuz i forgot or didn't realize last year that they'd keep me signed up for this year)...

spacy head, sleeping waking sleeping smile... used to be i'd write in these moments of wakefulness and secrets or profundity or something strange (and wonderful) would emerge, but not lately... years have changed the process, perhaps, time, not enough...

alone...

yummy pizza

stuffed (me, not the pizza), cuz i ate yummy cheese dip and crackers and yummy pistachio nuts and then jackson calls with a pizza idea and so i call and order (extra cheese, onions, mushrooms, pepperoni, half meatballs) and yummy pizza arrives and yum yum yum (chomp chomp chomp) and the belly full (mountain dew too) and i am stuffed :)

yup, life is good :)

maybe nobody knows

as i write these words day after day, night after night, it could very well be that nobody knows i am here, nobody knows how much i care, nobody knows how much i want (or have) to share, could it be, really?... in reality, as much as i joke and tease and play bravado and laugh about the relative meaninglessness of the blog time i carve out of the busy days and nights of this life, is this a waste of time?...

naaaaaa :)

even if it's just for me and nobody knows or ever cares, i enjoy the time with the written word and the written word remains my best mirror, my best friend in many ways as it reflects my thoughts and feelings so i can organize the experience of my perceptions and perspectives in this life so calm and peace and confidence can come to my mind as i fall asleep and dream and prepare for another day of work and play in this world...

so whether anyone ever knows or now, i'll keep this up in some manner somehow somewhere some way and in the end, because i do care and want to share no matter what, i'll also keep asking...

how you doin? :)

it was a long time ago

and i was at the peak of independence, retired (yeah, early in life, for those new to my story) and relaxed in my country home, enjoying the freedom of doing whatever i wanted whenever i wanted and much of my pleasures came from playing in the theme parks of orlando, florida... i gave my childinside several years of playful bliss before i was too old to enjoy it... and a few memorable people passed through this life in that decade, one who celebrates a birthday today and so i smile and wish a wonderfully happy birthday to her now...

happy birthday pj