almost there

what it is about, the reference to more to come, probably, that is, is is deeper than a few minutes can get to and i don't have the time i might have had had i not been such a softball addict that i would play two tournaments two weeks in a row with a sore arm... and with sanford winning the pac-10 championship, i must step into the shower and then force myself to sleep so what it is about will have to wait another day (one more of the thousands of days, no doubt)...

simply, tonight is the anniversary of the single most profound emotional change, shift, and trauma of this lifetime... that said, i will not delve much deeper tonight as i want to be awake and rested (especially the arm) for the tournament that starts really early tomorrow... perhaps tomorrow night i will find the will, the motivation, the inspiration, the time, and the right ambiance, atmosphere, and alignment of celestial bodies or something to explore the depths as i have not done in quite some time... att wiped out the website that touched on the depths that are more expressed on paper in boxes in storage up north... candora touched on the inner spaces a bit in the early days perhaps... maybe here too a bit or was that here... and she might remember... ah, the obscurity or the playfulness continues... and that is all we get to in this entry...

it is fitting, perhaps, that the time will be available next week to explore memories of the most intense roller coaster ride my heart ever went on in this life (though there is another that was close and in many ways much more brutal)... meanwhile, check with these links for the current roller coaster ride... and whatever happens in your life, choose to find a way to enjoy it, even if it gets so bad on the outside that you can only enjoy it on the inside, you can - please do...

football and a hard lemonade

drinking grown-up drinks does not happen a lot for me... but jackson bought me some hard black cherry lemonade so i had one while she and sanford drank beers and we watched some of the football game... northern illinois is jackson's dad's school, so we rooted for them and they won the mac championship... they are gonna head to the showers and bed after the game... and will take a shower after i watch the end of the pac 10 championship, rooting for sanford cuz i like the school, though ucla is the people's party school (public) where i'd have probably gone if i lived in cali when i went to school... early morning tomorrow, softball tournament starts at 8am so we need to leave the house by 7am... yes, we are softball addicts... next weekend we have a 5k in daytona, have to be awake at 4am to get there on time... who's getting older? lol lam lal :)

happiness peed on the porch, which is very strange... he must have needed to go out again after he ate but i took him out just before he ate and he peed and pooped, so maybe he did it earlier in the day... that might be while i sometimes spell pee in the house, poor old boy is getting old and may be having trouble holding it sometimes... well, now that i'm not working for a while i will be home to take him out more, but with jackson leaving before 8 and getting home after 9 many nights during the week, he's got to hold it a long time sometimes...

and how is your evening? :)

softball playoffs

the friday night co-ed team won the first game of the playoffs 17-3 and play in the finals next week... the friday night men's team finished 1st so we got a bye tonight and play next week... i got two hits and three rbis and made the last put out, playing third... my arm was hurting so my throws were not rockets and i was having trouble transferring the ball, but no damage done and no errors... so good night and even though i do have an arm injury, i was able to play third which tells me the arm injury is not that bad and does not feel like it got worse...

now if i could only figure out how to stop the aging process lol :)

egomaniac or lonely boy?

or something else?... i'd say a bit of all of the above, whatever something else might be... certainly i am an egomaniac, any healthy person should be manic about themselves to extentuate the positive and experience this life as much as possible... and yeah, i am a lonely boy too... and love to write as you may have read (like here and much appreciation will be bestowed upon you for reading this if you care)... so there are multiple reasons for my writing out here in this blog for anyone to read and there are even more reasons right now...

it is the end of the writing year for the written gardens and while i seldom make any mention of it in the last decade or more, it was and still is the celebratory holiday of bipolar emo... perhaps you've heard end of the world sung by skeeter davis?... well, it happened tomorrow almost four decades ago... yes, that...

you must remember this...

(more to follow, probably)

and if you want to return to the present, there are these paths to clarity...

adjustments online

apparently blogger-google has the catpcha thing set for automaticlly on unless i manually turn it off as of the new change of format and layout and that is one more reason to not like automatic updates to a public site that changes settings... i reset some of my blogs to no captcha, but i don't have the patience (or neck comfort) to change them all at the moment, but adjustments are being made...

and facebook seems down at the moment... i am not sure if that is because i have not checked it in several weeks (i remember checking it just before the election time, but don't recall going there since... i meant to check it today because i am getting a lot of text messages that people are commenting on a photo so someone may have posted a photo and tagged me... anyway, facebook is not working at the moment for me...

and i will draw you back to this entry right here... come on, click on this link more than a few times as new entries pop up cuz this entry right here has lots of links and kinda summs up the moody roller coaster i've been on well enough for me to want to ask anyone who has not read it to read it...

and so the day continues... end of year on some calendars... and soon, softball and testing the arm and hopefully, ok to play... hope your day is smiling for you :)

summing up a bit

the past few entries aside (read them yet?... and why not?... not enough time?... but really did want to?... oh, make time to do what you want to do... of course if you don't want to, well, you are entitled to miss any part of life you want to miss... no worries, there are plenty of other things you can enjoy... like this entry, for instance, and all the links below :)

so coming out of the most recent fogs and changes and looking around, i see that the past week or few have been kind of bumpy with aches and pains and highs and lows and disconnections (even more meaningful than yesterday's bump {what can i say, sometimes life goes thud and all we can do is bounce back} and whatever babble or irrational paranoid conspiracy negative or positive everything-is-connected theories and dreams {or even rational prophesy and knowing the unknowns, aye?... lol ah, how the chance of wisdoms are so often hidden in the babbles [and what was that? within links, ya falla?] not to mention potentially obscure but vital, right? [or is that sarcastic?] film and lyrical references and how i am still loving almost every minute of it, right jerry?}... like did i win a half billion dollars in powerball this week? lol)... but i digress?...

ah, but if you do not know i love you for being here and that, at my core, am still the happy optimistic innocent child i always was who is hopeful and eager to find and share the positive energy and love and kindness and happiness that i believe to be in everyone and i babble for so many reasons like keeping in touch with myself and digesting experiences and processing feeling and seeking understanding and making lemonade out of lemons and because i love communicating with a touch of creative play, yeah, if you did not know all that and more about me, then you really ought to read more of me cuz that is who i am... and while it could be that i am misrepresenting myself with all these written i leave here and so many other places, i believe the essence of me shines through and i hope you find me there...

here, even :)

free your mind

and the babble will follow... or is that the clarity?... ah, but surely it is the laughter... you do remember laughter? (and she's climbing a stairway to... lol)... the day is so beautiful we've been out a few times already (and yes, he is still staring and wanting to go out more)... the porch door is open, so he is out there a lot, but keeps coming in to check on whether it is time to go back out...

meanwhile, there is alcohol on the history channel and i am reminded of how self-poisoning was such popular, acceptable, even expected behavior for humans... from the earliest history to the middle east to monks all over the world to the european church which controlled alcohol (and in tern people) for centuries to the founders of the usa who had their own breweries and distilleries, drinking alcohol (and self-poinsing with depressants while using some stimulants to wake up when waking up was better, like for working) was an expected part of daily life... caffeine now provides the daily stimulant to counter effect daily poisoning by depressants (since cocaine was banned) and among other drugs, self-poisoning is inherent in human behavior... deliberate repression (and suppression) of evolution and enlightenment in exchange for stupor that made delusional thinking easier and more acceptable...

anyway, the clarity of freeing your mind from worries, fears, doubts, dependencies, fears, and all the insecurities and delusions that come from dependencies and fears (and the poisons they encourage) is so refreshing... freedom from daily responsibilities (like sitting here just relaxing and letting thoughts flow as they will without any concern about anything and focused on little or nothing beyond the immediate environment and thoughts substantially (even exponentially) expand the clarity of thought, perception, and experience...

also makes me very happy :)

three track mind

that's about all a dog has, at least a neutered dog... the not neutered dog obviously has a powerful fourth track, but the average dog is neutered and has three basic tracks... feed me... walk me... pet me... some dogs are more social and active than others which influences the frequency and intensity of the three tracks big time... and happiness is one of those very social dogs who almost constantly is running fast along one of his three tracks and in between is staring either at the outdoors (walk me) or people (which could me any of the three)... he usually has almost no clue that people exist for anything other than to serve one of his three needs... occasionally people serve one of the needs he has that are not one he likes, like bathe me, but generally people are just there to serve one of his three primary needs...

he is currently staring to go outside, even though he went out for his usual walk this morning and he is quite used to not seeing a person or getting a walk until late afternoon or even early evening, he is desperately trying to convey the profound need to go outside as if he has never been outside before and going outside is the most exciting thing there can be in life... he is such a dramatic actor, really, but then, it is not acting to him, it is all very real cuz he, like most dogs, lives in the moment and has few thoughts of before or after the moment...

the staring can become quite annoying at times, depending on how he does it (he will sometimes stand right in front of the tv or directly in front of where a person is sitting) and a person's mood cuz people, me, in this case, have more than a one track mind (serve me) are not actually always here to serve the dog every moment as the dog would like... while some dogs might be a lot happier with a brother or sister for the social need, happiness is only momentarily interested in other animals and within less than a minute, sometimes as fast as a few seconds, turns away from any potential animal friend and pulls off to continue exploring the outdoors... a loner dog, happiness is, probably because he grew up with a cat and learned many cat behaviors... he is so much an aloof cat as much as he is a smiling staring attention-skeeping dog... he doesn't like to curl up on laps or next to people or at people's feet, he prefers his own space on his pillows that have views of the outdoors... but at the first sign of movement, he is assuming the person moved specifically to serve one of his needs...

such a predictably optimistic puppy... he gets his optimism from his mom, his human mom... jackson is one of the most optimistic innocent hopeful happy people i've ever known... she's a person so there are lots of other tracks to her personality and mind and heart and moods and needs, but the most frequent is the optimistic innocent hopeful and that shows through in happiness big time... he is such a wonderfully lovable dog, in spite of his constant staring when i am just sitting here relaxing and writing on a day off :)

sleeping in

except for the wondering, the unknown reasons for people suddenly acting almost totally in contradiction to the way they were acting a day, a week, or even just moments before, i slept pretty well and while part of me would not mind (or even like) sleeping the day away, or at least a few more hours, i am awake and loving the idea of a relaxing day off and the sun is shining and happiness is smiling and the world is beautiful in my little just waking bubble...

the starving children, hateful control freaks and war mongers, greedy sadists and insecure emo-driven irrational delusionists are somewhere else, out there, destroying the world even as these words appear before your eyes... but in these waking moments the hope that enlightenment and kindness and honest love will prevail remains the smiling afterthought of whatever dreams may have been and what dreams may come...

good morning :)

late dinner, later life

yeah, i finally decided to eat... soup with some pasta... appetite is not much there, but eating is kind of important so i did... apparently i have felt this coming all week as i was dragging around in the blah blah blahs (yeah, that's the way to paint the target around where the arrow lands lol lam sigh)... the roller coaster of uncertainty and insecurity and did i mention uncertainty shakes another chair out from under me and we are flying off the tracks once again, so what else can i do but laugh at myself and enjoy the ride... and i am still loving you for being here, now more than ever...

gotta vent it out i suppose... and let it go... soup :}

hugs are good

and jackson gave me one when she got home... and she sat up with me playing words with friends and watching ncis a bit which was nice as she was really needing sleep... life is suddenly so challenging this year... after more than eleven years comfortable in a job with benefits and income... suddenly, life is in flux and pennies need some serious pinching and i am questioning my place in this world...

not the first time, though maybe the first time in this blog world... i obviously am tired of the corporate games... as much as i love the work and loved the environment, there's got to be some vibe i am sending out that is screaming get me out of here (for those who believe we control our own destiny, aye?) or something like that...

sigh...

funky ffff..

definitely not a high... i mean, it's not unexpected that i suddenly am without income and without a job to go to, but the way it went down was completely unexpected... so down i am... blah blah blah...

still walked and fed happiness... not me, but happiness is fine... would be nice to have a friend here now, but you can't always get what you want... or what you need sometimes, aye?...

yeah, just whining... skip it...

thud

well, that was unexpected... we have to let you go... now... like don't finish the day, give up the keys and the badge and don't say goodbye to anyone and let's walk to the door with an escort and don't let the door hit you on the way out... wtf?...

no explanation for the sudden bums rush except to say i didn't want to make it uncomfortable... well how uncomfortable is disappearing suddenly for no logical reason and not even giving and getting the simple respect of a thank you, good luck, and goodbye?... let it go, move along, nothing to see here...

wtf?...

numbers a crunchin

sorting through old reports that nobody uses anymore (so many have long since been abandoned as there appears to have been a void in the statistical knowledge over the last few years) in order to provide the analysis reports that are being asked of me... the week was somewhat fruitless and i am not sure what to do as the boss seems to be doing all the work i might be doing (perhaps getting ready for my departure) except for the statistical reports and anyway, back to the numbers...

and soon, the weekend :)

the am

it's beginning to feel a lot like almost december and the work life is due to be changing again in december as the temporary position is due to be over in december and what else happens in december, after all... yeah, so you may have noticed the stressors and lonelies and sadness and all those gooey feelings that come from not being sure where the rent money is coming from or whether it may be time to start shopping for a nice refrigerator box...

shhhhh, get back to work :P

and another sunrise

waking before sunrise consistently lately provides the opportunity to actually experience the sunrise and that is a wonderful start to any day, even the last day of a life (though we hope it won't be... sigh and all)... gotta get ready to head out the door now, so do your thing, it's what you wanna do...

hi ho :)

the lonely hour

thanks to the carpenters in particular, this is the lonely hour when love is supposed to be all there is and without someone to share the hour, love is still all there is there is just nobody near to share it so there is loneliness, which is love not shared, but still love, so for this time of the night the love flows out to the infinity beyond the universe (and the universe too cuz love has to travel through the universe to get to the infinity, of course) and so it goes... maybe... what?... secrets? . . . maybe?...

for no obviously apparent reason here are some entries randomly chosen to explain the process or something or other continuing as if it matters like secret secrets or whatever maybe on the mind...

really, it's a beautiful life :)

no idea

lol... yeah, i was laughing in my sleep and have no idea why... maybe cuz life is strange and i am stranger and a stranger too and it is expected to get even stranger as this year runs around itself to get past the mayan calendar... whatever that means, this is the truth now and forever, not the only truth, but definitely the truth... and over the past week i have certainly bored myself to tears, depressed myself, amused myself, and laughed myself to tears... and then i stopped writing for a bit and that didn't work out any better, so here we are again...

sleep well my friend, morning comes quickly in these parts :)

loving you for being here

yeah, the imagination is a wonderful thing, at least in my mind... so i find nearly 2,000 page views a month these past four months kinda as if like a gift ever since the whole world turned upside down (i changed jobs without another job on tap) and having no real reason for the sudden increase i interpret the increase as popularity and feel like lots of people care about the babbling i do here and so, i continue with hope in my heart that i'll never walk alone (la la la la la la :)

and between the lines there are people i know are reading for real and there are people i wish were reading for real and there are all of you, real and imaginary, inspiring me to keep in touch with myself in words and put these words here to keep in youch with you... cuz keeping in touch is caring and caring feels good... much better than not caring... even if loneliness aches, giving up and apathy aches more... yeah, you give me hope to carry on (la la la la la la :)

thank you... i love you for being here :)

arm, neck, ear, head, heart

the hurting continues... and i have at least two games, possibly three to pitch friday night and i have a surprise invitation to a benefit tournament on saturday and then more pitching sunday and just when i need real rest for my first pitching shoulder injury the universe (and softball friends) provide the opportunity for more softball than i can stand... love it, love them, better love my shoulder well too... and the neck?... hopefully it is not a tumor... same for the ear... probably don't have a brain tumor, but then, never know... might be one attacking pronoun usage... or something...

played the powerball tonight... first time i played a lotto thing all by myself in many years... blew $20 on ten tickets, five i picked and five they picked... their picks came up with two of the same powerball numbers out of five... cheaters... anyway, maybe i will be a half billionaire a little later...

ncis reruns are my best friend... even better than masturbation sometimes... hey, something's gotta stimulate the heart, ya know?... narf :)

and so the evening goes

nestle's crunch was probably the last thing the body needed today as i am fighting big time bloat but there it was, jackson's gift to my taste buds and little kid, a big nestle's crunch bar... and after a mild pigging out at the chinese buffet yet... ah, but the chocolate is so soothing to the mind...

and so there are lonelies in the air and so i wonder who will ever care enough to learn all there is to know about me and create the mutual show that two can become as they rise above all the fears in the world to simply fall in love by being open and unconditionally true and i hope someday soon that it happens to you...

and me too :)

cute but infected

the hostess with the adorable smile must live in a house with spiders and whatever cuz she's all bitten and that does not make for pretty skin... a few of the bites are infected so she doesn't know enough about health and medicine to be appealing and we wonder why i am alone... and, another human child, in the wold, with the wonder... and someday my princess will come...

yeah, so i went to the chinese buffet for dinner cuz it was a later than usual night and the traffic would have been sick (in the not positive meaning of the word) so rather than sit in traffic for an hour i sat in the chinese buffet for an hour and then drove home in twenty minutes... odd seating though... instead of a booth, the guy hostess (the cute one covers the register more than hostessing these days) sat me right in the path of all traffic going to the buffet... i asked for a seat further in and he sat me on the other side of the same table... the chairs are comfy, but not as comfy as a booth... and definitely zero privacy... all the table staff stand within ten feet directly in front of where i am sitting most of the time because they have a view of all the tables from there and so i had four people standing and watching me eat... not fun... definitely more assertiveness next time about seating...

good food though, in spite of my funky mood...

the day drags on

the boss took lead on the inspection and i am fading into the background because, after all, i may be gone next week (any time in december, the person i am filling in for may finally show up... it is puzzling and disheartening that she is leaving the place hanging like this and they are accepting it, even more personally frustrating cuz i am the one hanging most in a real visceral survival sense, but we must stop letting the distraction of how shall i survive continue distracting us, right?)... i got some more done, but still don't have the feedback i need to make the report exactly what they want, so i await more scattered showers of vague feedback and shall attempt to read minds again... or something like that...

lunch was potato soup... breakfast was a hot chocolate... hungry much?... ok, get over it and remember life is fun, even poor... lonely, but fun... enjoy it :}

the day slows quickly

it is an awkward situation, continuing to work at my maximum potential as much as possible with motivation dwindling and depression calling on my home line as the new systems i are building for someone else will not reward me beyond the last day i work here, whenever that might be... not knowing does not help...

meanwhile, there is not enough time with the people who need to use the reports i am building to know exactly what they need and what tweaks are needed to make it better for them... the gap between knowledge and power is larger than life at the top, but that's the way it is too... credentials get the foot in the door and then you depend on others who know what to do to make you look good... unfortunately i am the knower without the credentials so i am at the mercy of those who have the credentials and so it goes...

down day in my little corner of the working world, aye?... ah, life goes on :}

i wanna know

what love is?... yeah, sure, go ahead and show me... forget going to the mattresses, can you go to the mirror?... what?... it's one of those weeks where i need more time than i am getting paid for and not a happy camper because the temporary job is nearing the end and the motivation to put in twice as many hours as i am getting paid for is negligible... what can i say, part of me is giving up on the rat race and sitting back to watch the wheels go round and round... unfortunately, food and shelter still needs to be paid for so i am open to whatever comes along... play powerball, maybe?...

some work got done this morning, some work did not... some work will get done today, some work will not... the surprise inspection puts everything else on the back burner and what might have been done will not be done... that's just the way it is...

back to work now...

what was that?

lol... la la la la la, la la la la... lol... yeah, so the night was not lost in translation (or was it?)... it is the morning of another day and time to head out the door, first take a walk with happiness and remember what i'm working for... breathe... laugh... love... live...

hi ho :)

not so wide awake anymore

left behind in the wilds of memory lost chances and opportunity knocks in some forgotten dream on and on as you wish as it's more than you seem to know or understand from the depths of your heart where the mind steps aside and let's life really start to mean something more than a birth and a death after life you have reason to take your last breath when you know someone else is there waiting for you after all's said and done fairy tales can come true when belief in the one who comes to see right through to the core of your secrets in all that you do... someone who know you even better than you... someone who makes everything alright... no need to remember dreams when they are what you do... there is where i go to sleep every night...

when i am sleeping

the world is my oyster and every cliche becomes like a nightmare that gets in the way of opening precious after the flood of wellness and worries and swet, tears, and blood... now if you can make out the reason in rhyme and if you can transcend the space and the time and if you can laugh at the folly you are then maybe you belong here with your own star... the dichotomous nature of pickles and rice is mixed up with flavor in fire and ice not to expose every flaw in character but to beg the borrow and steal december...

it's coming, if only they knew... it's coming, and waiting for you...

not fair

now jackson (and you) might be thinking that i am referring to being home alone (sigh, i'm just a lonely boy, la la la) with dog duty again, but i am not referring to the responsibilities or loneliness cuz there's a much more important injustice happening tonight... fringe is on opposite heroes and worse, it's also ncis night... whatever have they done to tuesday evenings?... what a dilemma... whatever to do...

but i don't have a dvr...

ah, but laughter abounds now that we are caught up and feigning such worry over such trivial matters as television shows, aye?... it is a wonderful life... painful, injured, body ill, lonely, and definitely a bit off, but a wonderful life...

do yourself some good today :)

home for happiness

yeah, another late night for jackson so i am on happiness duty again... would have stopped at the chinese buffet if he was not waiting at home... definitely do not feel like cooking... so i stopped at the corner store and bought chips and smoked brauts and a milk shake... would have been a lot healthier at the chinese buffet, alas... need some indulgences to balance all the giving... always a good excuse for the variances from the healthiest choices, aye?...

anyway, i am home for happiness lol lam laa :)

good afternoon on tour

we spent most of the afternoon touring the facility observing staff patient interaction and all observations were excellent... surprisingly excellent... they were prepared by early warning phone calls and did not have to be told what to do... the staff had the right answers, the units were seriously clean and fresh and right... it's great to see that can happen...

and now, day one is done and day two of the inspection starts tomorrow bright and early so i am getting home for some dinner cuz i did not have more than an oatmeal and hot chocolate and peanut bar all day... protein for the muscles... taking supplements too, just like when i damaged the foot... it has not been a great year for the body... carelessness is very unwise as the years continue to move along...

anyway, good day, time to go home now :)

well ok, then

not the plan, actually... i do some morning routine work and decide it's time for oatmeal and a hot chocolate and just as i set the cups down at my desk to let them congeal, the phone rings and there's AHCA in the house again... oh how special are we...

the good news is it's my ahca friend so this should be a good survey... even though it may take today and tomorrow away from other work i wanted to get done... and so the week gets way too short once again but that's the way it is and there's nothing i can do about it... never know how the day will challenge (and that's the way i like it)...

hope you enjoy yours too :)

good morning, yeah yeah yeah

and with a love like that, la la la la la la lol... oh, the burn out is happening even as i wake... and another day with big plans, chart reviews and a medical peer review with the doctors and more chart reviews and some incident reviews and whatever else comes up... it's a beautiful day too...

hi ho :)

wide awake at, not

running out of steam was always a very rare experience for me in this life and yet, it is happening more and more of late... i may be dying... or i may be aging... or i may be losing focus and getting sloppy and not taking care of myself... just like most everybody else, aye?...

the human experience is a suicidal one, actually... as if that is something new... it's been this way since the dawn of time and there's not much i can do... how many rise and falls will it take for the human mind to open to the truth... the energy of the universe is left behind in our youth... we close our minds and close our hearts and shut down our own senses... we condemn ourselves to live and die blinded by our own defenses... we live in fear and die in fear and leave behind our potential... when you you find in your own mind the answer is...

love you :)

body aches

there simply were enough distractions, especially from the body, for me to catch up until tomorrow (time is relative)... i am so achy... the arm and neck... dang the neck is getting more frequent too... and the arm does not usually hurt like this... what a year to be without health insurance... is this how poor people die young?...

stay positive, ok? :)

busy friends at home

yes, they are digging through jackson's stuff and cleaning and seems like they had a fun day... music is on and i have some stuff to do so it's good there's no tv to distract me... gotta pay the epass (electronic tolls) gadget... and i have documents to fill out for the estate again... a year and a half and they are still paying a lawyer to dig through the estate... apparently there's more money for me, which would be absolutely excellent timing again... maybe somebody is looking out for me... that would be a very sweet experience...

anyway, time to eat something and probably fall asleep (and eventually, catch up on these entries you are reading, aye?... have i told you lately how much i appreciate your page views?)... ah, the lemonade is delicious again :)

hug :)

the day flew by

i built a spreadsheet the boss asked for and showed her the report and she liked it... only challenge is that it takes time and i won't be able to do it if i am cut back to less than 32 hours... we shall see what next month brings...

ate oatmeal for lunch, time to try a lighter healthier diet this week... at least for the first meal lol... cutting back on caffeine though... no coffee... no hot chocolate... just the oatmeal and some fruit juice... healthier... take care of the body so it will play softball and run around for a few more decades, m'ok?...

how about you, what are you doing good for you? :)

usual monday

the boss visits my location on mondays and asks for stuff that i can do on the computer... don't know who will do it once i am gone, but maybe it'll be valuable enough for them to make a position for me, part time if nothing else...

so spreadhseets and incident reports and pivct tables and chart reviews filled the day and i wish it could continue cuz it's work i love at a place i enjoy and i shall enjoy it as long as it lasts... hope you enjoy your work too :)

back to work

morning comes after the weekend and it is back to work... i understand why most people do not like mondays... meanwhile, jackson and sanford have the day off and plan on coming back here to do some cleaning and having out or something... they place can use it... i won't ask them to clean my room lol...

hi ho :)

didn't quite work

jackson and i enjoy road trips... ok, i probably enjoy them more than she does, but we do enjoy road trips... we took one from florida to maine... and another one from maine to florida... today we are only going from orlando to ft lauderdale, but it's still fun to be on a road trip and fun to road trip with jackson...

and the weekend took it's toll on the already ailing body and sleep is happening (i am telepathically sending this entry, ok?)... it's a wonderful sleep :)

food, fun, friends, yay

we found a tijuana flats on the way back to the highway and ate yummy dinner before hitting the road... and another road trip with song and dance and laughter and giggles (and the obligatory jackson texting and cell phone gaming to friends and relatives all over the country which is an always thing) comes to an end with a swist as jackson wants to stay at sanford's (which is pretty much becoming a habit lately, ain't love grand?) and so i head home alone (speaking of which, we say a little of that movie at the hotel... one of our favorites)... work tomorrow, so must get some sleep tonight, but i want to catch up on writing to you...

gonna try :)

didn't plan on staying so late

jackson seemed to want to stay so we watched the championship game... before the game we went and bought drinks for the orlando team that made it to the championship... they lost in the winners bracket final by one run in two extra innings... it was a cruel loss as they had based loaded with no outs after coming back to be one run down in the bottom of the ninth, but they blew it on the bases and dropped into the loser's bracket... they won the loser's bracket championship and got into the final championship game... unfortunately, they were burnt out (even with the gatorades and waters and cokes we bought) and they lost to the stacked travelling team but yay for second place for orlando...

time to gert some food and head home, road trip :)

softball is done, now we are fans

well, we lost, should have won but errors got in the way, and our day is done as players... the team did a lot better though, except i was still hitting poorly... hurts when i swing... hurts when i pitch... no warm up time and no stretching and trying too hard to spin the ball tool it's tool, i have an arm injury for the first time in all my years of softball pitching... i did not prepare for this unexpected extra responsibility and it blew up in my face... or arm...

alas, still, the team enjoyed the tournament and seemed to appreciate me a lot... that feels good... we are going to root for the other orlando teams now... two are playing to get into the championship now... though there is a travelling team that is definitely not rated correctly and they should be in the upper division, but that's what usually happens in tournaments, especially with make-shift travelling teams...

still at the crappy fields though, so no lunch... but cheers :)

you don't have to be an einstein to love bagels

yummy breakfast thanks to jackson finding an einstein's bagel place and that is much better than yesterday already (and a little less bloated thanks to what it usually takes to feel a little less bloated, yes, even at the crappy field crappy bathrooms)... still feeling crappy though... arm too...

don't expect to pitch more than one game today even though we could beat the team we are playing if we played well... hopefully everyone will be on time and i will have time to take care of the lineup and stuff and still stretch and warm up and do my thing before the game... being responsible for making the lineup and turning it in to the umpires is fine when people are on time, but sucks when people are late...

i really prefer to be in my own space and focus on pitching and performance, not on the rules and documents and coaching everybody else... but i am the most knowledgeable and the changes i am making to the lineup helped the hitting in the last game and nobody else really knows the game as well so...

make it fun anyway...

day three, day two

day three of vacation with jackson, day two of the softball tournament (actually day three, but we did not play on the first day) and the morning is beautiful once again... all game in a few hours... still not feeling good physically... last week it started with blahs and i suspected a kidney or bladder infection and it seemed to spread to the body and muscles and blahs and now it's sort of in the nose but also very much the muscles which are aching a whole lot more and in a very different way than usual and so, blah blah blah and off to see the wizard for another wonderful day in the sunny shine and beautiful weather with friends...

sunny on the outside feels good even when it's achy blah on the inside :)

the venting

yeah, so before i fell asleep i took an accounting of the challenges and decided it was time to vent and while some of this might be too much candor (which is a private blog nobody gets to read until after we share eye contact and a whole lot more so we share an understanding of my deeper meanings, especially in my venting which are usually misinterpreted {even by jackson sometimes who knows me better than most} as much more negative than they really are... a couple of people understood along the way and i miss them... and share a private blog with on too... anyway, i hope you will allow leway and reserve judgment and try to understand the positivity in the vents and if not, oh well, nevermind... the next entry may be more fun, or at least lighter :)

ah life... it really does seem to suck sometimes... at least that is how it can feel (in spite of the most wonderful positivity, really, and seriously sarcastic self-mockery of a superior mastery even, really), really, seriously, even...

what?...

ah yes, it's the little things that make life extra special and spectacular, even, ya know?... well, the tournament sucks so far... the hotel is good, but surprisingly skimpy in basics kind of expected in a hotel that charges more than $100 a night... no fridge, no microwave, and no internet... i've had all three of those amenities in cheap motels that charge half this room rate... the beds and pillows and body comforts are excellent, but the tech and culinary features that would be needed to keep me here for more than a brief one or two night stay where i will spend next to no time actually at the hotel or in the room are totally missing... the tv is small and not superior quality and the remote works poorly... i don't even think the tv is 32 inches... the place obviously does it's best to help guests choose extra charges like for the valet parking as the self-parking is a longer walk and there is no sidewalk or path so you must walk in traffic past exhaust fumes from buses and the valet desk in order to get to the lobby and the lack of vending machines forces one to order room services if you don't want to go out for a drink or snack (and no fridge or microwave means don't bring food back to the room)... the most obvious lack of luxury quality service is the $10 charge per day (or even for three hours) for internet... ridiculous at this room rate...

but for sleeping only, the beds are great...

meanwhile, i contact ATT and find that they do not include the hot spot feature with my $230 phone plan... they want an additional $30 to turn that on... again, corporate america at work not in the average consumer's interest (and way out of reach of the poor which make up more than 47% mister almost president, thank you)... the motto the customer is always right long since died out as a business motto in this greedy country... i simply want to use a feature on the phone i paid for, to connect my phone to my computer to use the internet access i pay for, but ATT will not allow me to use the service i pay for as i want to use it without an additional $30 charge... we will have to have a more in depth talk when i am not on vacation about why they restrict my usage of the 2GB of internet i pay for...

and then there's the tournament... you might have heard aready (snarky reference to previous entries, no doubt)... we are relegated to the crappy fields and i mean dangerous infields with a pitcher's rubber that is raised and therein a serious risk of injury for ground balls hit back to the pitcher... the sand infield itself (and it is sand) is like running and playing on a beach at times... the sudden and random changes from harder clay sand to soft sand along base paths and other spots are an ankle injury waiting to happen... i may have thrown my arm out when my foot slid out from under me as i picked up a grounder, spun around, and threw to third... and while the good fields have food and space, these are cramped and have unsavory food trucks right next to the fields (just what you want to breath in playing ball) and all in all, a less than appealing atmosphere for a three day tournament... and nobody wants to hang out here, so it's mostly deserted between games... definitely not a tournament experience... but with jackson (which she's not wandering away texting) and some of the team who hung out, fun fun fun...

but this is a vent...

so then there's the hotel the team chose (this is suckage based mostly on location) which is a half an hour from the fields without traffic... just a bit beyond ridiculous as there are many choices closer to the fields... i am not sure just what the point of choosing a play with such a long drive, but so many things about this weekend were puzzling...

and then there's the game of softball... probably making everything less enjoyable (probably?) is that i played poorly today... no batting practice and my bat was typically not in synch the way it is not in synch when i don't do some batting practice before a game... i changed the lineup the coach set and put myself down from 4th to 8th... i hit close to 1.000 when i take batting practice... i hit under .300 when i don't... but the batting cages i planned on using were at the other good fields where i thought we were playing until an hour before game time...

communication for the team appears to be solely through the facebook team site and apparently the entire team has the facebook app and every message posted to the team site automatically downloaded to their phones... not going to happen with my phone for several reasons, not the least of which is i don't want facebook and all the related apps that integrate with it accessing my phone... i get text messages when someone posts to my fb wall and for a few other reasons, but fb does not send text for group sites or other reasons so i do not get an instant message on my phone when they use facebook to communicate... like when they changed dinner plans for tonight from 730pm to 8:00pm and didn't tell anyone except to post to the facebook site... guess i am just old-fashioned about wanting my personal communications and social life communicated directly to me rather than posted for the world and expecting me to check in every thirty seconds like an app or something...

so grumble grumble vent vent vent, i hit like crap and that sucked, but even worse, the entire team hit like crap (we scored something like 7 runs in 4 games, 5 in just one of those games... definitely not the way to play softball)... and the fielding was amazingly bad... in the first game if i did not make the out via strikeout or groundout to me, there were practically no outs being made by the other team... balls through legs in the infield and outfield... every ball hit to the outfield became a home run when it should have been caught easily... it was really disheartening and set the tone for the day...

it turns out half the team went out partying last night until after 4am and at least one did not remember how he got back to the hotel... that guy is our leadoff hitter and supposedly best outfielder and he stood out in the outfield watching balls roll past him and past other players and roll all the way to the fence several times... talk about letting a team down... why bother paying hundreds to register and attempt to play in a softball tournament if you are not interested in actually showing up ready to play?... especially when more than a dozen other people count on your to actually play... a lot of the team just does not seem to want to bend down and field a ball, infield and outfield, and that frustrated me more and more throughout the day and was major suckage...

pitching i did fine, though i walked more batters than i usually do because i did not want better hitters to hit the ball to the team not playing well behind me... and my arm was not feeling good at all... shoulder... but you can't strike out everybody in softball so we were creamed in all four games... no hitting and no fielding equals fast losses... i don't even feel like i got a workout and i feel like i wasted a lot of money...

so i vent...

not on facebook

so we get to the longhorn at the time the team said to meet for dinner and we are the first ones there... jackson texts one of the team and she finds out they changed the time to a half hour later... they posted it on facebook... as if everybody has facebook updates from the team website on their phone... we didn't actually want longhorn anyway, but we did want to hang out with the team... but we also wanted to get to bed early cuz we are playing another game (consolation bracket) tomorrow... so we decide to head to an italian restaurant in the same plaza and ate yummy food and were done and back on the soft beds before the team got their orders at longhorn (and we had a relaxing delicious meal too)...

we also got to enjoy more college football... and are having a wonderful vacation in spite of the physical challenges i am feeling... stay positive :)

did i mention discombobulations?

yeah, and i may have overcompensated in pitching and the lack of food and the bug in the system and the poor field conditions and the lack of warm up and stretching and focus may have injured me/... ok, so i injured myself by allowing myself to get too distracted, but my arm is more sore than it's ever been (i usually pitch a lot more than four games a weekend and have no pain) and i don't want to think about it...

not that i want to think about losing four games today, half because our fielding was horrible, worse than any other games this year... our lead off batter and left fielder apparently was out so drunk so late that he did not remember getting back to the hotel and he wasn't alone... balls were dropped and went through legs and all in all, we gave the games away even if we hit well...

did i mention we did not hit well... maybe my poor hitting was contagious, but we scored two runs in the first three games, i knocked in one, and just a few in the fourth... lead-off watched a three strike go by three times, which set the tone... the fields didn't help, but at least no one got hurt (except maybe me, my arm is not feeling great)... it was a sad day for softball, but otherwise, it was hot and beautiful and jackson and i had fun (even if she spent half the day texting sanford and others... did i mention she is a textaholic? lol)...

off to the hotel now, long drive (we could have stayed a whole lot closer), and then, dinner... made the day a smile and bound to have fun, no matter what :)

you?

dumb expectations

while i didn't expect to win, i did expect to have breakfast and sausage for lunch... i did expect to know where i was going and what to expect there (lunch, good fields, batting cages)... unfortunately, when we got down to the lobby we found out that we were playing at a different field from last year and the hotel was at least a half an hour from the good fields (and on really crappy loose-sand fields like a beach in some places) which meant bad hops, slips, dangerous conditions, no time for breakfast, hunger, and definite discombobulation...

i was also suddenly the coach with all those coaching responsibilities and that left me no time to stretch, warm up, or do my usual pre-game focusing and while that did not show in the pitching (strike out several in the first game and a couple in the second, for instance), my hitting was way off... stiff, uncomfortable, and no batting cages definitely was showing in my swings... i got on base only a few times so far and only once on a hit... that is frustrating... these changes and lack of preparation definitely effected my game big time...

still, i am pitching well, though way too tense and hungry... no lunch at these fields... and still feeling bloated... and, well, did i mention the bug this past week?... well, it's moving around the body and all the ignoring it i've tried doesn't change the fact that it is also effecting my game... and body...

stay positive though, please, m'ok? :)

time to get ready

for the softball tournament, of course... morning came around right on time... i woke before the alarm, i think... maybe i woke at the first alarm jackson set which was almost an hour before my alarm and i was refreshed and awake and smiling at the beautiful day out the window (ninth floor view of the pool and gardens and highway and skyline in the distance)... time for showers and softball gear and maybe some breakfast and then fun at the fields (and yummy grilled sausage cuz i need protein, after all :)

make it a great weekend, ok? :)

because i love communicating

of course i am still asleep in some universe at some other time and place in the space time continuum but because i love communicating so much, especially in language (especially when non-verbal communication is rather distant and silent and too far away to see or feel, ya know?)... so rather than simply skip to morning, i share this bit of writing i shall write some time later to a friend and lover and family i have not seen in many years who fades in and out of contact year after year during a silent time... cuz i am made to encourage responses :)

so what's up?

you just take me for granted more than ever?... you are over the human guilt trip syndrome?... you don't have thirty seconds (ok, maybe ninety seconds) to type a word of life here (or less than thirty seconds to text a few letters to [phone number can be found on this blog, on facebook, and many other places on the web], huh huh huh, aye)?... sheeesh, you know how unfair this is and how foolish you feel every time, yet you loop through this weakness or apathy or whatever it is that keeps you from keeping in touch once again and just don't care enough about yourself to not do it to yourself... or maybe it is all just a game and i really don't matter beyond the superifical ego strokes and hope for more reassurance and help in life... or maybe you could care less that i am stressing over the fact that fringe and heroes finally are back and they've been put up against ncis?...

yeah, tuesdays are like that :P

so if you are not laughing a little, then you really are not doing yourself any good remaining silent and should vent whatever is plugged up your, ummmm, writing gland... unclog the sharing pipes... stop ignoring the caring instinct... kit!...

obviously i will write this on a tuesday...

reading as fast as i update

which gives me an all warm and fuzzy feeling inside... so thank you wonderful friend reader person... thank you so very much... of course i was sleeping at the time this entry was supposed to have been written and and uploaded and you are reading this days after it might have happened, because the bed was oh so comfy, of course, but you are still appreciated so much i want to hug you and kiss you and wrap you up and take you home and love you and squeeze you forever and ever and...

and thanks for being :)

veggies and sleep

good combination... we found a sweet tomatoes right down the street from the hotel and chowed down on healthy foods... probably would have been wise to eat some protein as i pigged out on carbs most of the week but i feel quite bloated and so, veggies and a little soup and now, time for sleep...

jackson is already mostly gone... and where are you? :)

luxury is nice

even if it is extremely skimpy luxury, but that's what you get for $100 a night these days... comfy soft fluffy bed and pillows... dual shower heads... time to get some food and and curl up in the bed...

thankfully, no further tragedy during the drive... gonna be a fun weekend :)

traffic and foolish drivers

what would a road trip be without traffic caused by foolish drivers, like the fools who want to race between other traffic that is already going 80+ mph on a holiday weekend... so we sat for a half an hour in the parking lot that the I95 interstate became when someone probably died up ahead... sadly, it may not have been one of the idiots swerving in and out but more likely someone who was cut off by one of those suicidal murderers (are we getting dramatic)... when we finally passed the accident scene, we saw a van had wrapped itself around the start of a median... the windshield looked like the people hit it, but did not go through... the ambulances were already gone... and life and the road trip goes on...

on the road

i know, it's been longer than usual, a lot, but this entry will ignore that and simply continue from where we left off cuz the words that follow here and in the next dozen or more entries were written (or bottled up) since we left off... and now, continue...

cleaning and packing and assorted odds and ends, took happiness to sanford's where he will stay until we get back... he likes it over there especially cuz they have a backyard and he loves being outdoors... there's a dog-friend there too... and they take care of him so he will have a good weekend...

and we are on the road to ft lauderdale and fun :)

and the weekend begins

packed as well as the brain wants to, not really into focusing today... the neck still hurts and the ear is ringing off the hook and the head is iffy and the body is bleh so probably some bug trying to expand a home somewhere in the cellular structure of this body... too extra vitamins and some pre-cold vitamins too so whatever that does, hopefully it is good... waiting for jackson who should be home any minute... and then, finish whatever she needs to finish at home and head out the door for the fun weekend in ft. lauderdale... gonna have fun in spite of the body lol :)

i am not sure what sort of internet i will have down there so if i am gone until late sunday, don't miss me too much... there will be plenty of updates when i get back if i have no access there...

and make your weekend fun too...

short work day ahead

sleeping in 2+ hours is better than no sleeping in and now, wake to walk the old puppy and head to work for a couple of hours... feeling a little better than last night, but still somewhat off kilter... maybe it is a kidney or bladder infection tossing the body for a grumpy ride... anyway, better than last night (and hopefully not just masked by aspirins)...

make today a good one :)

nothing's perfect

except perspective... so dear happiness is a almost constant distraction of need and i did not take off tomorrow so i will need to wake up and head into work for a couple of hours which is ridiculous considering i work more hours than i am paid for every week (but i think my boss was not happy with me and she's been moody this week {she was telling me she was going to pay me for extra hours just a few days ago} so it's puzzling but i didn't push the unfairness), but at least i got some laundry done and packed so we can leave tomorrow when i get back from work and hopefully i'll get a decent night sleep tomorrow night and now that the aspirin is working (the cause of the pain is still there, i can tell cuz the tinnitus is way too loud) so i am hungry and lonely and just bordering on the grumps... and yet, the night still smiles...

whatever, aye?... narf :)

yo, canada

what is going on up there in the great white north, aye?... i mean, i get 20x (yes, twenty times) more visitors from russia than i do from my nearest neighbor... is it a language barrier?... still holding a grudge cuz i was living there without legally registering and got booted out as an illegal alien? (well, sorta)... hey canada, you've got some of the greatest cities and people in the world and you hardly visit, so what's up with that?... i not only get 20x more visitors from russia, but 15x more visitors from romania, more than 4x more visitors from the united kingdom, more than 3x more visitors from germany and just under 3x more visitors from the netherlands... and i know more people in canada than any of the other countries and i just don't seem to appeal to my friends up there... sigh and all...

meanwhile, for whatever reason, this blog has had as many visitors in the last six months than visited in all the time this blog has been out here (since some time in 2008 i believe)... so what's up in the last six months?... more visitors or more spambots and other robot spider things?...

well anyway, i was just wondering what happened to canada...

rough day

but still, there is stuff to read and write and share and care about so i don't know, why not?... you are appreciated, especially on days that are rough inside (the head hurting, the neck hurting, the belly hurting, the body just not being happy today)... the physical stressors have distracted me from the day (holiday for many in this country) and the lonelies that would have been strong if i wasn't hurting but i definitely just want to be left alone when i am feeling this crappy so no lonelies today... well, not much at least :)

even with this rough day though, the night still smiles :)

tv, food, nap, and walks with happiness

head and neck pain seriously major distraction as there's no comfortable position and all i can do is close my eyes and try to nap... taken five aspirins so far this afternoon and ate some pasta and drank a hot chocolate to try to add a touch of caffeine to the mix and the tummy isn't feeling so good either and oh well, some days are like this... just wanna be left alone and sleep, but happiness is seriously needy (dang empathic dog) and won't let me be... took a steamy shower and that helped a little, but the water here is not hot enough to really do what hot showers can do so... bearing with it, time will pass... and this too...

hope your day (or whatever time it is when you read this) is feeling good :)

naps and dog

starting to feel the caffeine withdrawals and have no caffeine in the house and the body definitely has had too much caffeine in recent weeks as i started drinking at least a cup a day at work on top of my occasional code red or other caffeine soda at softball or eating out and i feel it coming on, the pain...

take an aspirin and hope for the best...

meanwhile, the dear dog happiness is begging for attention like almost never before and i am not sure what is going on, maybe it's the closeness and cluddling and shower i gave him yesterday, but he's begged to go outside hard core a few times already today and even had an dripping urine accident inside which is so very rare... maybe he is somehow empathically feeling my need to urinate more that i've not mentioned but have been experiencing these last few days (might have a kidney or bladder infection) or maybe he just has one of his own...

in any case, trying to nap to pass through the caffeine withdrawal headache is not working as happiness is begging so hard... might be a tough night here in this body...

you could do so much

and so can i... maybe it's just a thing... or whatever... yeah, you know, the modern cliches can say so much... sarcasm too... in any case, what you decide to do is what matters in your life... the trick is to somehow see what it is you want, to somehow see through the confusion of choices and mixed messages and conflicting possibilities... the trick is knowing your own mind...

remember the song?...

licked awake

not quite in the way you might have wanted to read about if you have a creative libido... alas lol... yeah, happiness wanted attention so lick, lick, lick... i woke at 6:30am and walked him and he peed and pooped so this is attention seeking licking... and so i am awake... groggy... must have been in a deep sleep... didn't want to wake... slept enough hours by the numbers, so the brain is still deep in slumber and wants to stay there but walking happiness this time has me more awake... maybe it
's the grumps... or more likely just knowing i should not sleep all day cuz i must be on an early schedule the next ten days (work a couple of hours tomorrow, softball tournament saturday and sunday, back to work monday)... and the amazing staring dog is hard core today, staring big time non stop... what's up with that, aye?...

so good morning world (and you too :)

couch sleep tonight

with jackson away with family, i sleep on the couch to keep happiness company... he gets much needier when she is away and responds much better and looks much happier when i sleep out here with him...

meanwhile, back in orlando, somebody tell lisa bell i'm free for whatever she's up for tonight, a'ight?...

rest is good

spaghetti for dinner again, economizing as much as i can stand as the weekend will be expensive... jackson is out with her family who is in town for thanksgiving... they are staying at a disney hotel and having a family disney thanksgiving... fun with babies at disney :)

tv and happiness is my plan... there's ncis and football on the tube and i've got to get laundry done for the softball tournament weekend... and i gave happiness a bath tonight and curled up on the couch with him for a while as he dried and all this catching up here in (e)thereal has been slipped in between food and happiness and tv and walks and relaxing... rest is good...

get some rest, have some fun, love your life :)

what happened was

the work life took over the rest of life these past few days and now, some entries written in the slipstreams and sighs have been uploaded to provide some measure of answer to the question in this title, to the life that was lived since the weekend went away cuz i fell asleep the last few nights as i was writing the entry that explains that the work life took over the rest of life these past few days and now, some entries written in the slipstreams and sighs have been uploaded to provide some measure of answer to the question in this title, to the life that was lived since the weekend went away...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

survey done, home now

well, surprisingly the quality manager was not invited to the exit and she was pissed... i understand why i was not invited since i won't be here much longer, but the quality manager is essential to the process... anyway, the boss is not sharing... must be tired and stressed and maybe pissed that the surveyors did not buy the justification she argued for not reporting the incident... hopefully she is not looking to point at the director who first brought it up or me as it's on the list of incidents we had to present, so even if it was not mentioned it would have been asked about as it was one of the few serious incidents over the past year...

maybe i will find out how the did next week... or not... doesn't feel good to be left out, but i am just contracted and providing a lot of systems they will continue using after i am gone... feel bad for the quality manager though... anyway, day off tomorrow, brief day friday, so relax for a while... dinner now...

might be over soon

though the surveyors are asking for more late in the survey which is a sign the lack of preparation is showing so hopefully the learning experience is have all the documents ready for the next survey and present the organized documentation up front which always sets a good tone... i asked our admin asst to bring any paperwork over from my office so i can process the paperwork this week and have less to do friday morning... sitting here, the three of us are waiting for the boss to call us for the exit conference... others have stopped by asking about the exit too, so we all wait...

back to work

last day of the survey (we hope... but it would be shocking if they extended it into a holiday)... leaving the survey to the others while i get back to my work is the wise move today and except for some search and copy and delivery tasks, i got some time to get some of my work done which is time sensitive so good time management and this is why i brought work with me on monday...

gonna eat lunch now... healthy thought, positive thoughts, life is good in spite of the annual survey tension in the air... hope your days are good in spite of any challenges you face too... do it :)

push the day

yes, another long day ahead and hopefully the annual survey will be over today and we will all be happy to have a few days off, though i may go in on friday for a few hours instead of sleeping in which means i must get to bed early friday night which is good cuz jackson definitely needs to get to sleep early friday night and i will be less of a late night influence if i wake up early on friday...

as for today, good morning, make it a good one :)

you're your mom!

when decades pass between kisses do we even know what the heart missesand can we remember when we really knew what bliss is... was?... cuz?... oh peach fuzz... heaven does... who knew?... a clue... still true... i wish a sweet wonderful happy birth day to you :)

happy birthday shari

mostobviously

as in mo, stobvious, lee?... dinner was spaghetti and i intended to watch ncis and then sleep but found myself watching instead because the science channel appears to be bring back actual science fiction with fringe which means there is hope for science and intelligent fiction on tv... but must sleep too so...

the last entry started and then i apparently fell asleep in mid stroke (key stroke, fiddlepuss, where is your mind, anyway?... in mine?... no wonder you are so confused) and did it again tomorrow and last night didn't even have a stroke (which hopefully continues until i die of one a few decades from now and no sooner, at least) cuz i slept falling even earlier than tonight, but life continues and as you see, so do these words somehow... huh?...

yeah, out the door just after 6 this week so sleep me, sleep...

what why?

why not?... of course this one gets all the attention because it has the right code words (shhhh, secrets never tell, almost) but this one sat out front for two days or so and next to nothing happened to it and of course the night still smiles, but really why not?...

maybe it's the time of year... or week, to be more precise... as if everyone is too busy to visit and read on mondays and weekedays, even... like people work on mondays or something... or weekdays, even... so this poor baby cried why not me? all the way out into oblivion, which is home for some of us... yeah, so anyway, it was fun while it lasted... the weekend attention, that is... and perhaps the . . .

the . . .

the . . .

what?... well, why not?...

another long day

and except for the one bump of difference of opinion with my boss (which is never fun, especially when the boss is wrong, but then, the auditors will tell her that tomorrow if she continues to try to justify her position at the exit conference), another good day... and heading home to take care of happiness now cuz jackson is staying over at sanford's place tonight... poor dog, i definitely do not have a schedule good for dog care (which is why i don't have a pet)... he was ok and enjoyed his long walk...

and now, resting home alone :)

sometimes awkward

yes, well, when the boss makes a mistake (like not reporting a reportable incident like a small fire) and insists on defending her decision not to report is is awkward... it is more awkward when i did not know the incident was not reported and the incident comes up due to the auditor asking another director during the tour why there appears to be smudges in the room where the indent happened... and not knowing it was not reported and realizing the other director had already discussed the incident, i brought up the incident as an example of the excellent follow-up my boss and the place did in responding to and improving systems based on the incident (which is exactly what they were supposed to do and the auditor praised my boss for the work and the example of proof of the system working which is exactly they were asking for... but when the boss continues to try to justify not reporting after a surveyor says it is reportable, all i can do is shut up and ride through the uncomfortable awkward feelings and leave it for the boss to defend the decision not to report...

my way is to acknowledge the error and immediately correct it by reporting the incident... better late than never and error corrected immediately... bosses sometimes resist that way and debate with auditors, a choice that rarely benefits anyone...

i shall step back and let the situation play out... nobody's perfect, tomorrow is another day, and stay positive, right? :}

the good work feeling

knowing what to do in a critical high-pressure situation is a good feeling at work and hearing my boss tell surveyors that they would like to keep me around is a good feeling at work too... don't know how much that will change the fact that my contract ends in december, but it is still good to hear... the surveyors will keep an eye out for positions for me too so that is a good thing, especially when there are so few positions available around here, especially this time of year...

busy answering questions, gathering documents, and stepping lightly through the mine field of potential issues that may have occurred over the past year that i have no clue about cuz i haven't been here over the past year... very delicate position to be in, but good feeling to be trusted and respected so much...

mourning morning

yeah, i know, old play on words probably used as a title many times before by me and many others but many hours sleep is not what i got so i am dragging and boing boinging out the door now shiney clean and spruced up for day two of the annual licensure survey and you are missed, in case you wondered...

hi ho :)

monday night happiness

yeah, kind of a merging of monday night football and happiness and jackson sharing the football tv and snacks and stuff... did not give into the ordering in food urge and ate pasta from cans instead... with extra sauces and stuff... economizing... and sleep is calling loudly and jackson just went to bed and the game is pretty much over and my fantasy football teams were done last night (i won both) and jackson's team is hinging on this game but staying awake for the end is not happening as my days start really early these days so...

nite nite :)

home is good

after a long day juggling searching interviewing and generally partying on the job, it is great to be home... poor happiness had to wait a bit longer than usual, but he was good... stinky, but good... yeah, he rather desperately could use a good bath... that's right, not just any bath, but a good bath... jackson hasn't had time so maybe i'll do it this week... sure, i'll have time... after the surveyors leave, aye?...

anyway, it's good to be home...

long first day

as is fairly typical of a first day of an annual licensure survey, we are heading for a twelfth hour... and i am sitting for the first time, though it has not been nearly the run around it was at the old place when i was the only one running around... it is very sweet and logical to have a team manage a survey instead of one person doing everything while everyone else hides, leaves early, or gives hostile attitudes when you ask for something (ah, the memories lol :)

are we having fun yet? :)

first day survey blues

go figure, i know the surveyors well... i am not taking the lead in this survey though and the question i must answer for myself is how much of a role i should take... the place is not very organized cuz of all the reorganizing of the departments so i am helping find policies and paperwork the surveyors want to review and i will encourage them to remember what the auditors ask for cuz they will ask for the same stuff next survey and it is much easier to have the paperwork ready for them... alas, it is not always easy knowing i will likely be gone in a few weeks, but that's the nature of contract and consulting work...

it has been a good day so far...

not just start off

yeah, well, it's an annual licensure survey which means four people are gonna be tearing the place apart and running us ragged for three days (sometimes longer, but i doubt the survey team will let the survey go past three days since it is a thanksgiving week... blogging will most likely be more catch up than usual as the days can be long and start early with these sort of surveys so i will be focused on work and sleep and, alas, see ya later sometime...

save the cheerleader, save the world :)

gonna be a fun week

so just how does one do sarcasm in the written word, i mean, from the formatting perspective... yeah, so the title is sarcasm intended and the week is gonna be busy for sure... ahca showed up at the hospital site (not my place) and they called for help so i am on my way over there now... love weeks that start off with surprise visits from auditors, don't you?...

snark :)

get up, get out

time to go to work (thank you bob marley and all the rasta kids, aye?... yeah, so it's morning again, another monday morning, and the life of the working fool, the happy idiot, the lonely googler (and me too) continues... and if your week starts with a monday crawl out of bed early to wash, wax, and rinse yourself out the door to work then i hope your week starts out as fun as mine...

cuz life is fun, ya know?... hi ho :)

point?

no, this is not the point and may partially be asking what's the point and not even the turning point, but more to the point this is the point of return for this week, why not?... wait, what?... what i mean is (what?)...

start again...

no, really?... what i mean is, go to bed fool, the day starts way too early in this work life and without sleep, the numbers and scribbled hand writings blur together and slow everything down, or something like that...

nite nite again :)

you?

so ok, i didn't actually go to bed and i watched the end of the game and both fantasy games today were wins and that's the best i can do to keep in playoff contention so rah rah rah... and now i just might check facebook for the first time in a week or more... and i checked other conversations on other blogs (private ones) and find silence continues, which is concerning, but it is what it is, whatever it is)... and considering some yogurt and mourning twinkies... and wishing i was in the state of washington or even colorado, and music is missed so dearly, though i am not leaving the semi-tropics (or retiring, alas) anytime soon... and the night reaches that dichotomy between the lonelier empty spaces where the one or at least the late night friend is missing and the exciting night air that inspires me to feel everything (the universe and beyond everything ever known) so much more intuitively, viscerally, and creatively as imagination meets infinity and reaches beyond to tap into the energy to fill in the enpty spaces where the one or at least the late night friend is missing...

and hunger on every level laughs as it plays with the brain... and the night still smiles...

you? :)

sleep over food

ate yummy barbecue cheeseburgers and a hot dog for lunch and felt stuffed most of the day, in fact, i still do, but also hungry... drank code red and mountain dew, 20 ounces of each, and had some baked snap peas and one mikes hard lemonade (black cherry) and otherwise no other food but stuff feeling kinda belly stuffed...

still, tired enough to sleep even though one of the fantasy football leagues hinge on the outcome of the football game tonight (my opponent has the pittsburgh defense and i have the pittsburgh running back and a 26 point lead going in so odds are heavily in my favor, but it ain't over til it's over... i already won my other league, but need help to get in the playoffs in that league (yeah, the league where i had the really good draft and was projected to be 13-3... i am currently 6-5 there and will likely be around 5th place when the week is over... the top four get into the playoffs...

in the league with jackson, she is 9-1 going into this week and i am 7-3... her game is too close to call and hinges on tomorrow night's game and my game is the one that hinges on tonight's game where the odds are big in my favor... i am currently tied for second and she plays the team tied with me, so i am hoping she wins and takes the big lead and helps me into second place...

meanwhile, sleep is calling so i really ought to answer... a really fun and active day outdoors with friends and a really fun weekend with friends and i hope you found a way to make your day and whole weekend fun too...

nite nite :)

yeah, softball

with the temperature dropping into the 50s tonight, softball becomes even more fun than ever and we have much fun... i hit poorly, actually, but we won 8-7 and i pitched really well against a team that had some good hitters and i fielded really well getting a lot of hitters to hit back at me for ground outs... it was 8-4 going into the seventh and they came back with three runs but i got the last batter to pop up and end the game... much fun in spite of a poor hitting game for me...

jackson got to stay after for a second game cuz the next team did not have enough girls and she got on base on walks and scored running the bases (i was coaching a bit more than i should have from the stands but it helped the team cuz she got to third three times and scored all three times)... they won and jackson helped big time...

we expected sanford to come out and watch but she was not feeling well today and stayed home and napped a lot so i hope she feels better... jackson is kind concerned... ain't love grand? :)

shopping, home, football

and happiness... stopped home to walk him and then went out and stopped to shop for cleats for jackson cuz her cleats are hurting her feet after two games and this weekend we have a tournament... unfortunately we did not find anything that fit her right... the selection is almost nil cuz of the season... we must keep looking this week...

a woman fell as we were heading into the sporting goods place and probably broke her nose... she tripped over the parking space cement thing and fell flat on her face... jackson called me over from the car and we gave her ice and helped her calm down and told her huspand where the closest 24-hour clinic was (just a quarter mile or less down the road) and helped her up and into their van... she should be fine, just hurting a while...

stopped at the post office and then home to watch a bit of football and jackson is all excited about jacksonville cuz her parents live there and she went to high school there and they are surprising houston so far and now, out the door for the afternoon softball game and more exercise team friends fun...

please find your way to fun today :)

fun at the fields

we lost, we could have won, but too many simple errors gave the other team 12 runs and we only scored 8... i went three for three with a double, knocked in 3 runs (lead off once batting fifth), and scored twice... so i did fine, but mistakes on the base paths cost us at least three runs, mistakes at the plate ended two rallies, and dropped balls gave them at least eight of their runs... ridiculous for a team that has been together for years, but still a great group of people and so fun was had...

i'd rather the team win than have personal batting fun, but hey, good day :)

wake for softball

unless it is a tournament, there should be a law against 9am softball games... and jackson made sure i was awake, yay her, and it's time to gather some wits and softball stuff and head out the door... not the warmest morning, either... stretch and be wary of signs of injuries... and stay positive... and do our best...

rah rah rah :)

what sleep?

so this melodrama movie called forever mine somehow caught my attention and i found myself watching from the couch wondering why and the answer, my friends, was not blowing in the wind, the answer, my friends, was a pain in the neck as the neck was really aching and it could be because i did not take the red yeast rice i usually take daily to keep blood pressure somewhat down and it could be fatigue and whatever, but i really do need to sleep now... alas, no one here to nurse me...

nite nite :)

apartment searching

after spending the afternoon yesterday apartment shopping out in the world i spent the last few hours apartment searching online and hopefully we will find something we feel good about (balancing safety, comfort, and price) by the time the lease here is up in late january...

and now, time to lay down cuz softball starts early tomorrow...

nite nite :)

college football night

we hung home with sanford watching college football tonight... not having a specific team to root for in college football (though i root for ucf cuz jackson is an alumni), i view the whole of college football pretty objectively... i keep wondering why the sports media is so biased in their reporting and ranking of teams and conferences...

watching the oregon ducks go down to sanford, a team that took notre dame to overtime at notre dame stadium, there was not the biggest upset to watch, but still it upset the standings in the bcs - and yet, i still have to wonder why the sec is so respected by those who vote in the bcs... oregon stood tall and took on the second best team in their conference and lost...

meanwhile, the sec teams played teams that had absolutely no chance of even a respectable showing in their games, which gets absolutely makes the bcs high rankings of sec teams laughable... most sec teams did the same thing last week as well... so they assure themselves wins, big wins, in the last weeks of the season which should be considered punking out, but somehow the bcs votes do not take into account what ridiculous scheduling they do in the sec... and tomorrow the sec will probably be ranked 2, 3, 4 and possibly 5, 6, and 7... it makes no sense...

meanwhile, kansas state lost big against a decent, but not great team in their own conference, but i respect them a whole lot more than any of the punk sec teams because they did not choose to run away from competition in the last weeks of the season...

the sec makes a mockery of college football (and not just in scheduling, but we won't mention roster and recruiting differences just now)... it's just discrediting to college football to over-inflate the sec the way the bcs does, especially given the scheduling of the last two weeks... but then, the sec treats college football as the big business it is so winning is everything and sportmanship is not the priority... some applaud, some wonder why there are any rules at all...

food shopping

with a well stuffed belly and a mind focused on tightening the budget and a shopping partner focused on the clock cuz she had plans after shopping, we certainly did not splurge at the supermarket... and while jackson prefers target because the other monster, walmart has ethical issues we both oppose, i find target more expensive on many items and my wallet kept holding back on things even though jackson was buying this trip... food prices are ridiculously high as it is...

alas, compromise sucks at times, but that's life (survival too :}

dinner treat

so we went to my favorite chinese buffet (jackson's idea) and she enjoyed it and we stuffed ourselves with all sorts of yummy foods... the place was busier than i ever saw it and they don't handle high volume as well as they handle the slow volume i experienced every time i've been there before, but the kitchen did keep the food flowing so there was no food shortage... the staff were rushed and not nearly as friendly as usual though and there was a push to clean up and push the check on us which was a first for the place... ah, nothing is perfect, but the food was still yummy :)

perspective burps

it's a matter of perspective... looking for a new place to live can be very exciting and fun and it can also be very tedious and stressful... the latter often comes from the budgetary restraints that keep some places out of reach and make the search for the right place more challenging... also, the expense and stress of packing and moving is not much fun from most perspectives... money is a serious stressor when there just is not enough of it... the enjoyment comes when we focus on enjoying the new space... that is not easy to do while we are dealing with the search and limits of the search... so what can i say about the afternoon, at least we went through it together :}

and the search will continue another day...

ummm, sleeping?

yeah, well, four hour sleep cycles are my way and so jackson just walked in and woke me and reminded me that we are going out to apartment shop today and so i am gonna shower and head out with her...

kinda groggy but... fun day ahead? :)

dog duty

yeah, as much as sleeping late was on my mind, happiness has a schedule and it's not good to knock the old guy off his schedule much so i woke and walked and fed him and now i hope to get some more sleep cuz it is saturday morning, after all, and i love my saturday morning sleep-in...

ummmm, nite nite, sorta :)

home alone

well, not quite cuz happiness is right here with me as he is the magical attention seeking dog, after all, and gets really needy when jackson is away... i stay in the living room cuz i don't want his hair all over my room cuz much of my clothing is black or dark colors and he sheds his light brown and white and grey coat constantly... i brush him regularly and he loves it, but he's got a beautiful thick coat and is a constant shedder...

anyway, i'll curl up on the couch soon cuz even though i've been enjoying the night, jackson and i have plans to apartment shop and food shop tomorrow so i don't want to sleep all day like i sometimes do...

hope you are enjoying your time (nite nite :)

don't miss it

you missed this and all the links it contained that would have told you what i was reading earlier today and if you don't go back and read and click on all the links (or at least some) then, well, you missed it... you didn't have to miss it... you don't want to miss it, right?... well, here's your chance (again)... you are loved for it...

meanwhile, the last few entries fill you in on the errands and chores and softball fun that happened in the past seven or so hours, i mean, in case you missed those too... i mean, i am not the only one who don't want to miss a thing right? :)

thanks for being here, hope you find your way to smiles tonight :)