straight to bed

almost... walked happiness, ate some leftover pizza, sat here and nodded off... no resistance tonight, heading straight to bed... nite nite...

screwed by microsoft again

the microsoft corporation forced my personal property, my laptop, to shut down and wipe out all the work i had in progress in web pages and documents and more... they should pay me for destroying my property on the computer i purchased and own... there are many reasons i do not like, respect, trust, or support microsoft and this is the most personal reason i detest the arrogance and poor customer service... the worst customer experience possible... it would be like a car manufaturer driving the car you buy into a tree... it's not undrivable, it's just not yours...

meanwhile, dia came in second on the voice... probably the best thing for her as she is not quite ready for the solo spotlight and while dia is amazing solo, meg and dia are magical together - excited about the new songs this experience will create in them :)

how can you be so sleepless

when will i be asleep (ok, there are two song references already and the entry hasn't even started and the babbler crawls to the keyboard but the screaming ear and cramping neck laugh as they send me to bed (if i clear off the stuff that;s on it and find a sheet, that is... haven't been in it in six days... and there i almost typed sex days, silly me, aye?... no sex in that old bed, i travel for sex, have gun will sex, and so the references continue to amuse, confuse, and otherwise abuse the language (and some sensibilities, most likely)...

watched dia on the voice tonight... that is the only reason i stayed up... and facebook kept me awake a bit longer... ego loves that i picked her out of the thousands of faces and voices on warped tour all those years ago... ah, if only i was in a different place back then, or now, even... that's me in the corner, losing my opportunities... how could you be so heartless, aye? (not dia, someone else, surely, me, even)... and tonight, the shadows... seriously, talk to me, music...

just like the first time... someday they'll all understand... or at least someone...

sleep?... nite nite :)

really?

so tired it is ridiculous and not a rest stop in sight... might just pull off to the side of the road and take the risk cuz the body is burning out to the point of sleepless bleary vision becoming the norm... the left brain and right brain are not communicating much and the sleep center is broadcasting so loud it is drowning out most every other function except whichever one it is that keeps me selfishly demanding some time for myself, awake time for myself, that is... there will be some sort of reward for my workaholism and altruism and dooing good for others in every single day i live so there...

are you having fun too? :)

was here, really

just fell asleep before i typed in any words here in this box here in this entry here in this space on the internet we collectively call blog... a blog it is, whatever that is... words shared, for you, for me, for anyone who cares...

so tired though... forgetting to remember...

but i still love you :)

still not sleeping, still hoping

and tonight, the reason is that i am continuing to re-arrange the words and pages and links on the web to provide the most effective and accurate representation (and introduction) to me... that was inspired by a response to the plenty of fish profile i usually forget about until i check the email folder those emails are filtered into and weeks can easily go by without the time to remember to check there... but anyway, i may have left that new york city hugo boss suit part of me behind and she may not want to see if it's still inside... we shall see, aye?...

so still not sleeping for the same reason, wanting to share more... better than wanting to curl up and die... what i am looking for most (in case you have not read the numerous times i've repeated this) is a best friend, but i have yet to find a best friend site so i keep dropping some words about me on personal ad and other meeting sites... love the part of me that knows there's always hope...

gonna nap a few hours now... nite nite :)

so much to do

need a few more days around the house to finish the chores, but work will start very early in the morning as i have a few days worth of work i need to do tomorrow... ridiculous and it is reaching a point where the only way to get it all done is work twelve hours days seven days a week, at least... not happening...

things can only get better, right? :}

and things did not go well at the softball playoffs as we made so many errors and did not hit well and the umpire let the other team break an obvious rule and we lost by one run... the highest priced league in town and the worst umps... personally, i had a good game... i walked one, the first batter, learned this ump had a very small strike zone and didn't walk any more and made no errors... went 3 for 3, but it was not enough... it's a fun recreational team that doesn't taker winning too seriously and so, i accept and enjoy playing, cuz that's what i want to do more than anything else, play...

and at work and at play, we shall start again tomorrow... hope you do too :}

(still babbling though)

blurry weekend

sometimes the weekends get blurry cuz of the abundance of different activities and events and stuff like parties and concerts and sports and all sorts of fun with friends, but except for the softball playoff game(s) later today if they are not rained out, this weekend is blurry due to all the solitary chores i am doing around the living space... jackson is up north setting up her new life and cuz of the insect abundance in this community and happiness being older and sensitive, i cleaned and cleared as much of the carpet as possible and treated the place, which involved a couple of trips to drop off and pick up happiness, but i think i've mentioned all that... the more i am living with happiness the more i am remembering why i don't have a pet, especially a dog... dogs are a whole lot of time and energy consuming work... and his scratching (and begging me to scratch him, which he always has done but it's increased in recent months... personally, i think it's a food allergy as it's gotten much worse since he started on the expensive prescription diet due to crystals in his urine, but who am i to argue with his vet... hopefully a different vet up north will find another ) is starting to make me itch and drive me a bit bonkers :)

just waking, blurry from not sleeping in at all in the past few weeks and less sleep this weekend cuz i am watching happiness like a hawk so he doesn't keep chewing on his tail (he bit it open and it got infected and now he has pills and a cone to wear)... yeah, it's all about happiness and the apartment this weekend and i am tired... and getting lonely... this is why i only had one dog in this life, not so much the responsibility, but because i feel their loneliness when they are left alone and i don't want to feel like i am leaving them alone at home all the time just cuz work and social activities keep me out of the house up to sixteen hours a day... dogs especially are such social animals... imagine being left home alone almost your entire life, only getting out for a few minutes to walk on a leash for a few hundred feet around the box called home... gonna take a shower now and i feel so sad that i have to keep putting the cone on poor happiness cuz he can't eat or drink or run around with it on...

not much else going on except all the other chores, cleaning, laundry, all the boxes to move around, and there's still a big pile of dishes... i am so much fun this weekend, aye? lol :)

dog days

no sleeping in for me again this weekend, which, for me, is serious suicide as the sleeping in process is a key to the balance for health in this body, but work and other things have gotten in the way of my weekends for some time now and the last few more than ever as yesterday i was awakened at about 8am to drop happiness off with a friend so i could work all day around the apartment and today happiness wakes me at 8am cuz that's the schedule, wake and drink and pee and poop and eat not long after sunrise and another load of laundry goes in and now, what?... close my eyes and sleep again?...

good idea :}

wide awake (sorta)

yeah, it's that 4am time again (dot dot dot) . . . and the wide-eyed innocent stares out into oblivion wondering when will the right one come along and all that, though so distracted by household choores, overwhelming work (from work), and a needy puppy that i leave the tv on to further distract and do not turn to the music and the silence to dive (or fall) deeper into this 4am time...

what?... gonna kick back and sleep now... nite nite :}

chores and the web

that's today... household chores and browsing the web (with background tv, so the progress is slow... with music everything would have done by now, fwiw)... about halfway done, which is why i am still here and not out at the third eye blind concert... laundry is spinning, carpet is drying, stacks of boxes are waiting for me to get up and sort through them some more and figure out the best way and place to stack them... and stopping by to pass comments back and forth with facebook contacts, some friends and some strangers, and view videos there and on youtube, and wander other pages too...

just cuz you wanted to know...

no rest for the kind hearted

at least not for the kind-hearted who continually adopt people in this world cuz people always seem to need so much... the love of giving is rarely unsatisfied, which is the key to happiness... complaining also pleases me, so i must be the happiest person ever, aye?... well, i am the happiest person i know... feel free to consider that a challenge if you genuinely believe you are happier than me cuz i'd love to meet you (not compete with you, but the challenge was to motivate you to contact me, pretty sneaky, huh?)...

yeah, so not much sleep this weekend and poison in the air and driving extra with the under 10 mpg car and $117 on bug control stuff and wanna sleep but too much to do and all the dishes and boxes and stuff to clean and move and vacuum and the body will not benefit from pushing tonight so i'll skip the concert with friends at universal again not using the annual pass i bought cuz of helping others and so on and so forth... see?...

laundry beeped, i'll be back late :)

shameless self-promotion

besides the horsefeathers and bullsugar, lately, like for a few years now even, i've been complaining a lot... i mean, i even have a couple of blogs just to semi-formally complain (so why am i dumping so much complaining here, aye?... see?... i'm complaining about myself complaining about everything too much here in (e)thereal, what do you care, right?... see?)... couldn't be me, right?... i mean, unless i am lost in self-mockery... what?... flagellation?... huh?... babble?... what is this, multiple choice?... huh?... naked?... what?... seriously?... lol... really?... oh stop already...

maybe it's all always just been shameless self-promotion, aye? :)

another fall behind day

just not enough time to do all the work that needs to be done, so i let more work fall behind one more day... and another meeting tuesday is demanding a whole lot of work and i am refusing to do the work this weekend and that'll mean a very long monday, maybe an all nighter... just gotta draw the line and stop working weekends for my physical and mental health...

drove out to the field in the pouring rain and sure enough, there was no rain at the field until game time when it started pouring and didn't let up so drove home in flooded streets and drenched, walked happiness in the rain, dried him off, ate leftover pasta and chocolate, and watching the college baseball world series and wandering facebook and twitter (seeing dia is on the tonight show tonight, 'sa bout time) and might get some sleep, but need to wake early tomorrow and take happiness to a friend and pick up flea spray and flea spray the place as a preventative measure cuz this community has fleas and the chocolate was powerful (just got a brain rush blood pressure pow) and find somewhere to go for a while so i don't die from beathing in the flea stuff too much yet when do i sleep cuz i so need rest this weekend more than ever and if it's raining all weekend, dang poor timing weather...

the car is still hiccupping, have i explained?... another time... gonna make time to rest and have fun anyway... maybe third eye blind tomorrow night at universal, wanna come? :)

so often almost asleep

and then something keeps me awake... last couple of nights it was wanting to watch dia on the tv... tonight it was storms and overcast in new york city that delayed jackson's flight and then, a call from the family member who may understand me most to tell me i may have some inheritance tax to pay… wouldn’t that be weird… nice, maybe… we will see if i call the lawyer’s number tomorrow… this is quite a love hate relationship i have with so many things, like humanity, love, romance, family, and money, just to name a few… i’d really like to sleep now though…

nite nite :}

another long day

and i fought off sleep again to watch the results of the voice and the ones i picked made it to the finals and that, of course, makes me a genius and is vital to the continued survival of life on this planet, naturally...

because we love the sarcasm, ya know?

long work days and the body lazing away and still not enough sleep and still left back neck sore and tinny, my old friend, continues ringing non-stop in the ear and life goes on working till the day i die (as i just posted on facebook to one my my rich sort of relatives... what is family anyway?)... one of these days i will shift gears again and if i survive the shift, what a wonder filled whirl it will be... ever been a whirl?...

you really keeping up with all this?...

well then, i love you :)

just when you thought it was down

another star brightens (or darkens) the (e)thereal sky (and i may never mention it again, so shhhhhh, ya know?) as the irreverence is the ultimate power (what?) that can change the world (cha cha cha) if you know what i mean (or even if you don't)... watched dia tonight and she still has so much potential in her voice and her that is hiding in her insecurity... where is that unadulterated grin i saw all those years ago, aye kid?... ah, the road chews up and spits out innocence and insecurity kills magic, please figure that one out before it's too late (yeah yeah yeah yeah :)

need to find the sleep i pushed away earlier so i could stay awake stay awake tonight and watch the voice... some good voices and a few potentially great performers getting a first or second or third chance at national tv exposure... love it... so how are you? :)

ridiculous days

i decided not to work the weekend and not to work more than ten hours yesterday or today and so there was next to nothing ready for the meeting today and we went ahead and had it anyway... with the corporate vp there, no less... though now her title is corporate director of clinical services... so i did not impress and yet, it matters to me less than it ever did... corporate ownership really just gets in the way of patient care and services as far as i am concerned... maybe i am ready to actually look for another job, though with jackson leaving it would be the worst possible timing... tomorrow is another day... and so much work to do...

ate decadent tonight again... sleepy now... some days are like that :)

hope you make sweet lemonade too :)

sweet is true

like a kid in love with a dream i fall in love with a song and the singer takes me back to the place where i belong, just like jo jo... and that may be the leap i made the moment i heard and saw them for the first time, the beatles... they have that potential magic... yes, i am talking about meg and dia again... that innocence based in an unconditional (and precarious, in this world) trust in love...

when enough people believe at the same time, the world changes :)

the framptons

they kept me up tonight and now i'll get maybe four hours sleep and yet, i loved learning more about my current favorite singer who i picked for superstardom in 2005 and ego loves the fact that she's closer than ever... thought she's not the superstar type, i still route for her and hope she's sleeping more than i am tonight cuz she's competing for the finals on the voice tomorrow... and there was a thing or few things amusing me other than the browsing linked above, in case you really wanna know more about my love of playing with words and why i sleep so little...

and what are you up to tonight? :)

good sense, good life

one is supposed to lead to a longer life (the first one i am told) and the other, well, ought to be self explanatory... i'll choose the second most of the time, so instead of giving in to the nodding off i waited up for jackson and ate and finished the load of laundry that will allow me to make it through this next work week with clean work clothes through the weekend and enjoyed browsing through the internet, catching up a bit with facebook people and other people and random thoughts that enrich and amuse my head and further provide me with what i consider a good life... sleep, yeah, that is good sense and adds to good life too, but to possibly shorten the life span or to definitely shorten each day, again, i'll choose the momentary pleasure over the promise of possibilities yet to come...

so much heaven in each moment, after all :)

hope you find your way too :)

sleepy head loaded

so much work to do at work and who knows what will be surprising us this week, but life goes on and we do the best we can... put a load of laundry in, nodded off a bit, and then jackson came home with taco bell so stuffed i am like a burrito... missed a voicemail inviting me to a barbecue tonight, better for the body to rest though... need to cycle the laundry and consider sleep soon...

how was your weekend? :)

lousy chemists

late on the draw cuz i worked long and played softball and went out friday and slept in and then went out to play yesterday until this morning and finally remembered this was a free weekend on chemistry... so i visited and answered their questions and the site gave me ten profiles they called matches and not one matched my criteria and i did not match any of the ten and after clicking them away, they didn't have any other profiles for me to see... so the free come on was bogus, so trusting the site with something as important as an introduction to my heart and mind is out of the question...

don't they get that? :}

coolnss

yeah, definitely coolness as i can type into this box on the $100 mini-notebook while the laptop reboots so i can acually reboot or even shut down the laptop more often so the memory can clear or software can update or whatever else it does in that crappy windows vista environment and still ramble on as if the laptop is not even off or something like this...

meanwhile, yay for the fun and still buzzing from caffeine from last night as the world was full of friends and though a bunch of favorite people could not make it, a handful of card players did and we played spades, big whisk, hearts, and phase ten and the card gamer in me got some fun gaming fun and food (dinner was pork filet roast on the barbecue and a german baked eggplant dish) and code red (stll spinning from that) and a happy fathers day text just woke me (good to be loved and remembered, yeah) so ill sit here tapping keys until i nod off again and hope your day, fathers and all, and weekend is much fun too...

rest, relax, and fun :)

another morning

almost time for sleep, out all night playing with friends and life continues to be fun even now, sleepless in orlando, bleary eyed and giddy and so on... tried to check in with laci who is doing a benefit for a site dedicated to stopping child slavery, but the blogtv site would not work for me... not sure why, wrote them and asked and hopefully i'll get a response...

you missed a fun night... hope yours was fun too... sleep now :)

should it be a celebration?

reaching the 2000th blog entry is some sort of milestone... only the original journal reached 2000 online uploads in the online history of my babbling... a couple of others reached over the 1000 entry mark and there are many thousands of pages in many dozens of blogs, diaries, journals, and other writing spaces (whatever we choose to call them) all over the web and there are tens of thousands of pages in storage from the years of writings before cyberspace became so convenient, but here we are at the first 2000th entry mark in the current era of public writing and so?... toast the persistence, aye? :)

on my way into the shower and then out to play games with friends... hope you make your weekend fun too... it is still a wonderful life, challenges, struggles, pains, and pleasures and all... remember that and you will enjoy it a lot more :)

approaching 2000

just waking with a little help from my alarm and jackson who was trying to help me get to the car place but i don't feel like driving a half hour and waiting for the mechanics to do whatever they needs to do to fix what they did wrong last week when i gave them $1600 to replace the transmission and tune up the engine (there was no closer aamco, alas, and now the car is getting less than 10 mpg and idling very rough and hiccuping over 3000 rpms and none of that was happening prior to the repairs and the tune-up was an "it's probably time to do" thing cuz here was no symptoms requiring engine work at all except an engine light that's been on for about seven years, at least... and the engine light is still on)...

but anyway, i don't feel like heading out but i am a little wired from residual caffeine and a good game in the rain and jackson being awake and we talked and listened to music while she packed (she's going to visit her parents for an overnight) and i'll just sit here enjoying the morning until i nod off again...

as long as work doesn't call :}

still, fun

in spite of the illogical and unfair madness probably influences by politics and personality conflicts and power trips and who knows what else of the recent worklife, the life outside of work is still much fun... tonight was the first game with the new friday night team and we played in the rain on a very muddy field and i pitched and we won 14-6 and we made many errors due to the wet conditions and still they only scored six runs... i had one of my better games, pitched well, gave up no walks, made some solid fielding plays, one really hard line drive turned into a double play, and hitting i was two for two knocking four in and scoring twice... yay team...

went out for dinner at i-hop with jackson after the game and yum yum and now, kinda wired from the good game and coffee that i drank to wake the body up after this ridiculously run-around work week... i'd love to sleep in tomorrow, but i must try to get to the aamco place to have their work checked out as their work has issues they need to address...

but first, some fun with words and stuff :)

not even logical

the worklife, that is... ahca shows up yet another day and this time with two investigators and a shopping list of complaints... they couldn't even handle them all themselves and some were dropped by the main office after they started investigating and some where pushed harder from yesterday after nothing was found... it was as if someone was pulling their strings from the main office and they were not happy about it... they couldn't tell us if they were done or not after four full days of investigations and they looked very uncomfortable about their jobs, the lead investigator all but apologizing for the lack of organization in their investigation... they couldn't even give us clear tag numbers for the regulations they were citing us for and they couldn't clearly state the citations... yet we are expected to respond in detail in the required time frames...

so they had me running around for one thing then another then still another and rushed through some things and suddenly disregarded other things and asked for more than could reasonably be done in one day and all this time, practically the whole week, majorly disrupted the normal hospital processes, which is not good for the patients... with managing the investigators requests occupying all of my time and much of the other director's time, routine work grinds to a halt... will we be faulted for not getting the routine work done?...

the next few weeks will answer that question...

meanwhile, life is fun :)

pushing the bod

so much, so often, so what, aye?... pushing the body and mind without sleep once again cuz the words want to come out and the messages want to be tossed into the cyber seas and the hope that they will be found, that one will be found by the one that one is meant for, springs eternal even as i barely breathe or remember the conscious awareness i know as me...

the real?... (e)thereal?... work work work and then, write in bits and spurts, the last refuge (missing music, wasted on tv, missing exercise, wasted on food, missing intimacy, wasted on giving, missing love, trust, and sharing, wasted on caring... too real, perhaps... best to stay momentary and on the surface... long time since i allowed myself to be completely wide awake at 4am, alas... if you understand, why aren't you letting me know you are here?...

long day tomorrow, must focus, probably get caffeine, alas, should have gone to be four hours ago, at least, but loved these last three hours that were almost all mine (all the distractions aside)... pushing out another breath...

sigh :}

pizza and tv

and jackson even came hold and watched a little and we told a few jokes from the internet cuz she has to tell a joke to her class tomorrow and it has to be good for 13 year olds... and so the stanley cup playoffs are over and my friends in british columbia are not happy but my boston fan friends are very happy and so i watched mostly with half an eye some new buddy lawyer show and some ncis (at jackson's request, which is one of our fav connections) and i am not really all that into hockey, actually, so yeah, i know, i just got eyebrow dropping scowls from some of you and you laugh cuz you know i am so tired and busy i barely glance at any tv when it is on and rah rah rah for the whatever is around at the moment looking for mr goodbar in another life or something like that, huh?...

so much fun, if only i was more conscious :)

pizza was wonderfulness :)

madness ensues

as if it has not been a wild enough week, ahca showed up again to follow up on the sunday survey and explore other issues that have been stewing for a while... and they will be back tomorrow, so another week goes by and none of my regular work is getting done and the monthly quality council meeting scheduled for next tuesday is gonna have very skimpy information and the test will be how the ceo and other directors react to that cuz they all know i've had no time to do anything and still worked more than seventy hours the last three weeks... more, even... i'm getting pizza for dinner...

lucky i love my job, aye? :}

need new friends

not that i don't have good people as friends now, but they are distant, both as in far away and as in normal human apartness and lake of unconditional trust and intimacy, but how many really know what i mean ya know cuz most everyone is a normal human, after all... what i mean is, people i call friends around here all live at least a half hour away, nobody is like right down the street no less right next door so there's nobody to come out and play (tennis, basketball, throw a softball, or anything) on a moment's notice... and nobody really shares the experience i experience even a little (not that anyone ever did), not even the loneliness or the quest for the perfect love...

so i need new friends, ya see?

changes are seldom subtle

so i just got a text from jackson letting me know in a kind of round about way that she may be moving out much sooner than even august september like she told me a couple of weeks ago and that probably means her friend up north is going to support her and pay for her move cuz she definitely couldn't have the money to do it, but good friends come through so he's buying her a plane ticket to go up for interviews next week... she so feels that she will be happier up there and has wanted out of orlando a long time and i can relate cuz that's how i felt in nyc way back when i left... yeah, i know... just have to deal with the rent on the two bedroom place until the lease ends next year, which is the only reason i am even a little grumbly about it cuz i've gone through more than half my savings in the past year and a half mostly cuz jackson needed money help and you know me...

anyway, sudden changes are what life is about... even if my choices will keep me working long hours and having minimal chance for real intimacy and social life until i this body finally dies...

ain't i dramatic? :}

so much tired

it just gets more ridiculous at work, the hours required and the non-routine work has increased to requiring more than eight hours a day and the routine work is just being ignored... and there is so little energy (or time, for that matter) left for life outside of work that it is beyond ridiculous, it is... lifeless...

nodded off before i finished...

again...

fun, but still

yeah, life is fun... big win in softball tonight, fun people to play with, becoming more of a team with the drama gone, but still... something missing... the magical... the mystical... oh yeah, and the romance too... and someone who really knows me... and family... and the will to take the best care of the physical body i inhabit that i can do... among other things... but the taste buds craving for sweets and salts and creams and pastas and cheeses and sauces and foods that are taste bud favorites is still way too alive and well...

wonder if someone will come along before i die...

wonder if this blog is getting too philosophical...

wonder if anybody... yeah, you know...

narf :}

way back when

this entry began, i was a lot younger, more affluent too, but hey, life is quite costly and being me, i shall always just barely be on the cusp of poverty cuz i love to give and help people and there's always somebody around who needs help... long day, i guess, exhausted from last night and softball in a couple of hours and we can hope for more time for me for tomorrow cuz i know you miss the magical musical mania that you used to come visit me for (that, and my flagrant modesty, of course)...

feeling quite irreverent, in case you didn't notice...

fatigued too...

narf :}

sheeesh whata job

so i sat here waking groggy again after nap (with a cranky body) that revealed who knows what, but probably more secrets nobody will ever notice cuz they are always so well buried in irreverence nonsense and assorted distractions so carefully laid out that they appear casual and even meaningless cuz that is the nature of babble dontcha know...

and the phone rang calling me into work cuz ahca was at the hospital investigating the incidents of the past week... so off i went to work instead of to softball practice to meet the new team and convince them i ought to be their pitcher and here i am, more than twelve hours later without eating or drinking or sitting down much and this was supposed to be a rest day...

too wired to sleep, in spite of the mind and body nearly dead... gonna probably wake groggy, cranky, and blah blah blah... so i am watching reruns of csi and the voice and ate krystals that i picked up on the way home cuz i am too tired and lazy to cook anything and it's the best of what was open at this our (best for my taste buds, at least) and now, off to see the wizard... or maybe just babble a bit here and there, aye?...

wish you wonderfulness :)

waking groggy again

with a fatigue and caffeine withdrawal frontal lobe headache, the body and mind wakes groggy again in spite of about nine hours sleep with just one bathroom break after a four hour cycle... drinking a half gallon of water last night just before bed and another half gallon earlier in the evening to start the caffeine cleansing much needed after a long week of pushing the drug into the system in order to be alert and as cognitively clear as possible on less than four hours sleep a night and up to sixteen hours focus at meetings and in detailed reports, well, the water must flow... the ear is powerfully loud, blood pressure must be quite high, the head hurts, body aches a bit... a few hours of relaxing before softball practice with a brand new team, far from at my best, but hey, it's recreation and first impressions can be very overrated in this ultra-superficial world where the depth and meaning i seek is seldom shared at any impression... scattered thoughts, still, the peaceful bliss holds up under and around and over and above and below and that's what it's all about (hope you get it too :)

later, perhaps, more :)

nap, body cranky

yeah, the over-tiredness is hurting now, physically and mentally, and the caffeine withdrawal compounds the physical crush on the brain... so much so that even tapping the keys is too much organized movement for the brain-body life thing i experience in this body... my consciousness just wants to drift off into oblivion or infinity or whatever restful bliss we name the place where we come from and go to (nothingness, perhaps, as my earliest writings proposed... now who remembers book five?)... the rambling babbling journey has been long and numbering the volumes of writings has not been done in decades, perhaps this is a thousand or more, whatever is the only logical and realistic response to that thought...

and while is there anybody going to listen to my story plays in the background and i wonder is anybody out there, deeper still i wonder if anybody ever did take the time to travel back with or without me to before the first volume, to the scattered pages and the vague memories of missing volumes, and then wander through all that can be found and read and experienced, would anybody understand...

and the laughter of the tags (in this life, in this way, in my dreams, in bed) rocks me into sleep now... i hope you find it too :)

jazzy dog dreams

i refer to the jazzy dog cafe, the only new york style hot dog cafe in orlando, or so it says... jackson just sent me pictures of the dogs she and friends are eating and while my nap was precious and i don't feel like driving downtown to join them, i admit to drooling...

and all i had for dinner tonight was some cheddar and sour cream potato chips, dang :)

what are you up to? :)

finally, the week is over

the work week, that is... there is a lot of work not done because a lot more other work got done and i decided no work comes home with me this weekend...

and on that note, i nodded off...

working sixteens

for shift workers, that means working doubles, two eight hour shifts (as if you couldn't figure that out, aye?), but for me, it is just working close to or more than sixteen hours at a clip, which is what i've been doing this week when we include two five plus hour drives (to and from tallahassee) and and just getting home again way after dark... pigged out on taco bell (thanks to jackson) and krystals and bloated, but content...

just missing the dream girl, ya know? :)

somebody put me to bed

yeah, as i ask next to every entry, is anybody out there?... and more to the point of this entry does anybody i actually know in life offline ever really read this?
(or take it seriously?) cuz you could fool me so easily cuz i am easily amused you know, especially when i want to be or when i am happily playing mind games with myself as i am doing not or when i am so over tired i forget everything but the words in from of me as they pour somewhat randomly from my mind to my fingers to the screen (which is how they get in front of me, ya falla?)...

you missed tonight, try again tomorrow :)

over tired

long day, long drive, lots of junk food and sugar and caffeine, add little sleep and shake haphazardly and we get overtired... home and no place to sit in the living room and too tired to move stuff and sat awkwardly waiting for jackson to get home to find out how we are getting the rental back and pick up my car tomorrow and she got home and went to bed and maybe didn't see me awkwardly sitting on the couch and now i am not just overtired, but have a stiff neck too... the perils of being too tired to think, move, or anything...

laughing takes too much energy... meanwhile, how was your day?

so tired last night

yeah, so tired last night that i didn't even do what i usually do when away in a hotel which is use the inspiration or uniqueness of the new space to pop out some dozen or more entries in some of the blogs and didn't even leave the computer out and plugged in to do it in the morning (oh?... yeah, really, so tired last night too)...

wish you were here :}

at least there was tv

yeah, final game of the girl's softball championship as as predicted (by me at least), arizona state had no trouble knocking off the florida team and the southern belle cockiness is even uglier when they start whining, making excuses, blaming the umpires, and looking dejected (think i might have a bit of bias against the pretentious entitled behavior and attitudes of southern belles? lol :)

and dia sang on the voice tonight and wouldn't you know, i missed her brief performance while channel surfing cuz i was enjoying the girl's softball (but i found it thanks the thevoicefans... and the nba finals also got some attention...

sigh :}

sometimes things do not work out as planned

exhaustion in part due to the hotel room being 900 degrees even after running the air conditioner on high (big room, small air conditioner), so i passed out (napped) and now it's still warm but i am a little better and will go hunt for food...

meanwhile, the work laptop is not connecting for some reason... password changes on the server do not update on the laptop until the laptop is connected to the server but the password is needed to connect to the server so it's a juggling act with passwords and i forget what the last viable password might have been... the bad news is no work will be done this trip and there's so much that needs doing before friday, so tomorrow will be a long day in session with ahca here in tallahasse, then the drive back making it a 15 hour day at least, then do today and tomorrow's work before thursday morning's meetings, so no sleep...

and what else is new?

sleepy

woke early, went back to sleep a few cuz jackson wanted a bit more sleep, then took the car in and signed for at least $1200 for the clutch... told the guy, jeff, to estimate a tuneup as well... and then picked up the rental, a honda civic, drives nice... and now, sitting here sleepy, should hit the road and not nap... shower, last few things to pack, and out the door for the four hour trip...

anybody wanna road trip? :)

chocolate shakes make life worth it

dairy queen, steak n shake, even fast food (not really), the chocolate shake is the perfect food, every breast should produce it, every ridiculous thought should be fueled by it, every adorable child should be bathed in it, drink up, chocolate shake lovers, they are the wizzeroo wizzeree wizzerootitootu...

and while the arizona state coach may have blown it by letting florida get their mojo back and making it much more challenging for their star freshman pitcher than it ever needed to be, i enjoyed the shake jackson brought home for me (sure will miss her sweet indulgences and lack of will power... and beautiful heart, yeah, that's the most important thing, really... her sense of humor is good too, but her heart, anita, but her heart... irony, huh? lol :)

sleep? :)

another long monday

at least i ate lunch cuz jackson went out and brought me back a sandwich and mountain dew so i proof-read a report and ate and then back to the non-stop day... what times is it?... twelve hours or so, no wonder i put on weight so easily (well, always have, but especially lately), i sit for most of a twelve hour day way too often... stupid human trick, this five day a week work ethic life... wait, i just said that somewhere... or don't wait, you're probably busy too (sardonic humor, ya know?)...

anyway, i've got an early day tomorrow thanks to my dumb old car that is going to grab $1500 and hopefully not become a money pit as jackson is gonna drive me to aamco before work and then drive me back to the car rental place so i can pick up the rental and drive to tallahassee for, what else, business... if only i had business in paris or rome or tahiti, aye?... ah, the dreams are almost as much fun as the (e)thereal (who's not laughing, don't make me take names now)...

so how was your monday? :)

did i mention fool?

zombie head fool, that is... and i am listening to be careful i love you stay in touch by meg and dia and feeling like falling in love with this band and dia's voice all over again... some singers are soulmates at first glance (hearing) and she is one, for now at least (i'll explain when you get here)...

but still, zombie head fool for i am still awake and have so much work to do this week and oh well, what gets done gets done and the heart/soul/anima sings and rejoices and dies happy (lives even happier... ever after, even lol lam laa)...

you? :)

zombie head

zoning as i browse the social media networks and random links chosen from the posts that pop up on my facebook wall, twitter stream, email lists, and assorted other electronic connections i sort through whenever i have a little time and want to stimulate my mind and inspire my creative juices and sometimes even pretend i have a lot of friends and worth (cuz all these things are being sent to me for review and commentary, after all, right?)...

we almost blew it, but won our final softball game of the season to finish 6-2... playoffs start next week for this league... fun fun fun... a few friends came by after the game and we played a little basketball... and then late dinner and ncaa softball and nba basketball and browsing the web and now, sleep cuz i must get a lot done tomorrow and i am already undermined by lack of sleep cuz there are simply not enough hours in the day... feel free to come over and debate the point :)

hope you had fun today too :)

time is so short

and i want to catch up with meg (and meg and dia, not to mention a whole lot of others people i follow on the web (some i know personally and some i admire and am inspired by from afar), but there are just two more hours left today before softball and basketball (yay for activities and activity friends, aye?) and laundry and so much clutter needs attention here, so i reluctantly give time to household chores while watching the ncaa girl's softball world series...

what fills your day? :)

chrome

how long did i ignore the persistent advertisements (or encouragements, since it’s free) to download and try google chrome and the dummy in my head thinking the latest behemoth microsoft product, up to 9 now, would have bells and whistles i really would use cuz it’s so big and integrated into the ms operating system and all so i didn’t until sometime in the past few weeks or so when i did and still i didn’t explore it much until today when i explored it just enough to realize it appear, at first real exploration and use, so much faster than ie9… or is that the coincidence of the brighthouse connection of the moment… i suppose time will tell…

anyway, slept good, not great, and starting another day :)

deleting mail and such

it takes time, hours even, but it was time to delete mail and clean up the laptop and all that is left to do now is defrag which i hope will happen after i fall asleep cuz i'll set it to start in a few before i head to bed... nothing on tv...

and it is 4am and you know what that means... wish you were here :)

and another saturday ends

sleep, rest, writing, sharing, playing, fun, food, friends, and some watching fun concludes a finely balanced saturday with the only missing pieces being hard core physical activities and shared sexual play and romantic love (hey, every day is not a perfect day, what can we say, aye?) :)

heartbreaking softball loss for missouri as their pitcher struck out 19 in fourteen innings pitching three full games today which is phenomenal only to give up a home run and lose... her team just could not hit the baylor pitcher who gave up two hits in fourteen innings... cruel that either pitcher had to take a loss, but someone always loses a competitive game...

fun playing cards with old friends who are also work friends though we have not worked together for at least five years or so... texas hold-em for fun (chips)... and dinner was lots of snacks and mountain dew (three days in a row for the dew, which means the body and mind will crash tomorrow if i stop, but softball tomorrow afternoon will probably convince me to drink some more dew or tea, at least, and monday i have a ton of work, so this will be a tough week to find a crash day as i am traveling tuesday (driving four hours) and have an important meeting in tallahassee wednesday and then must catch up on work thursday and friday and sheesh... at least saturday was fun and restful and tomorrow will be as well...

hope you love your life too :)

physical rest, facebook contacts

sitting in the recliner resting the body (though the body really also needs more exercise, but that's another story for another entry in another blog) and doing what i can through the net to continue maintaining and expanding my social contacts and communications and the fun of sharing words this afternoon and now it's time to shower and get ready to go out and play with friends in the physical world tonight...

hope you make the most of your non-work time too :)

sleep until you wake

everybody (and every body) should have the basic human right to sleep until naturally waking at least once a week if not daily (in the ideal world where life and health are valued more than anything else... in our hypocritical confused and clinically insane world, killing to protect life is glorified, but actually caring for life is chastized as laziness thanks to the unethical madness of the work ethic, but that's another corruption of logic force fed like religion to the masses by the few kings and popes and misguided intellectuals, idiot puppet leaders, and ignorant philosophers over the centuries)... really, i was thinking about this and it feels right...

see what happens when i wake up?... clarity is so acute, it is almost painful... pointless though, in this world... make the most of your time, anyway :}

long weeks of work

leave little time for fun and even less time for spacing out relaxation or timeless meditative activities (like from showers to yoga to babbling to any number of other fun), no less much needed sleep (more needed with each passing year as the blood pressure rises and other body parts {kidneys, liver, heart} require sleep to regenerate and function properly}, are showing signs of long and short term lack of sleep), so i am off to bed now even though i would rather be sharing or doing something else fun...

feel free to share yourself anytime :)

stuffed

sort of, stuffed with sushi and cupcake and more mountain dew and spent more money i didn't need to spend and must cork that better, but hey, when asked, i almost always say yes to dinner... especially when trying somewhere new... habits... somehow i still spend $30... and we won't be back to fuji sushi anytime soon... bangkok is better...

and work, so much work so litle time as usual... gonna be a long week ahead, but i'm gonna not think about that until tomorrow... and how about you?...

the old me

the old me might have stayed up all night on sheer excitement and awareness and pleasure (oh, the pleasure is good too) and wait, i am still awake... sleep two hours?... if i nod off right now, two hours, yup... will i fall asleep if i stop typing, browsing, and bouncing around?... don't feel much like it, but wisdom suggests...

yeah, dang, you are missing out...

party on :}

still at it

the blowing in the wind, that is, as the adrenaline (and caffeine) and inspirations on the web have me wired quite rightly (yeah mellow yellow, whatcha gonna do about it, aye?) and even though i will either require additional doses of caffeine tomorrow (and have it if the code red i left in the freezer in my office did not explode overnight... ooops) or have me sitting semi-idly wandering around my desk and computer sorting through papers as if i am organizing and filing or somesuch nonsense cuz the brain simply does not want to focus and that'll leave me a ton of work for next week and weekends and maybe i will do mundane data entry tomorrow which is work i save for myself for just such occasions... wonderful feeling, this...

hope you find yours too :)

dont wanna sleep

cuz it took three long years and a few line-up changes and the softball team with the best players (players with most talent) i play with finally won the championship in the thursday night league and we had to win three games in a row tonight and go through the best team in the second game (a team with a former all-star pro baseball player on the roster who hit two home runs in the game) and then beat the undefeated team in the finals (third game) to finally be able to wear the championship t-shirt in this league... we made it to the championship game a few times before (i think, we've played more than ten seasons in this league) so it is about fiduciary time (yeah, i used a fucking f-word, i must be off-the-chain excited, huh?)…

more surprising is that our home run hitter and a couple of others did not show up due to other stuff they had to do and we fielded nine fielders (ten are usually on the field in softball) and we still did what we did… sweetness made even personally sweeter because i had to find a way to get the best hitters in the league out in the second game and then be up in the bottom of the last inning with two outs and the game tied and got the game winning hit on a night when i was not hitting great… enough to get that hit though…

but everybody was hitting just when they needed to most and the three outfielders played really great, so way to go team…

should have taken tomorrow off :)

sleeping deep

there i was in the replacement chair which is not the big green chair but is definitely an ok recliner (it's jackson's, but i kind of took it over and she's gonna leave it for me when she leaves) deep in sleep at this particular juncture of the time space continuum as identified by the time-date stamp on this entry and who know i would be stumbling into bed within the hour only to lay there for half an hour or so but stubbornly deciding not to wake up except i remembered i had wash in the washer that had to go into the dryer and then i remembered that i did not pay rent and a few other things like softball and paying the storage bill cuz when i stopped by this morning they were not open and their hours are when i work which sucks for paying purposes) and so i set a few calendar reminders on my smart phone that didn't actually do what they were supposed to do but still somehow reminded me in an odd way and that what, at this moment and the moments just adjacent to the moment, i was doing...

hope you were having some kind of restful fun too :)

no time (so often)

just a moment to touch the keys to declare life and freedom and personal choice and hope for more and miss you and now, off to work i go...

hi ho...

would have been grand

time is irrelevant or at least a fiesta (collective groan, naturally) cuz i could be wrong but maybe is still one of my favorite songs off one of my favorite albums by one of my favorite bands and the point is not lost just cuz the sleepy apathy that many read as depression covers the many other moods like a wet blanket so follow the connections or don't, but tonight was a slight reawakening from the mopey slumbers and that is not just bullsugar (and whether i'm right or whether i'm wrong, la la la you know what i mean if you know the song)...

could still use more sleep, more time for me, more money, and more intimacy (not necessarily in that order), but i'd settle for one true best friend just one more time before this body breathes it's last breath (which hopefully wont be for a few more decades, at least)... at least i made a decision, i think, and that is a better place to be (oh heaven's to harry, and linda too, it's been such a very long long time)...

just when you thought there'd be no more obscure references in this (e)thereal place, aye?... so how was your night? (yes i really want to know, did you think my asking at the end of so many entries was just lip services or some clever closing?... silly, caring is what i do (for better or worse, no doubt... yup, caring, goving, and lots of laughing at myself :)

you? :)