home early

yeah, just after 5pm, that's way early for me... pouring rain all day and maybe since last night as pouring rain started before i left work yesterday and the shuffleboard courts at work (yes, we have shuffleboard at work) have turned into a wading pool and the surveyors are gone and i summarized th survey for everyone so they have a starting point for addressing the citations and got a bit more done and here we are...

cream cheese and grape jelly for dinner, with smoked almonds and chocolate milk... hey, the cream cheese and milk are fat free, so it's relatively healthy, right?... anyway, rain rain rain... probably won't be playing softball tonight, aye? :)

day after day

not alone, not on a hill, yet still, well, not still either... busy rushing through the day to search and rescue, to access and provide information, to investigate and provide judgement and sell the best face i can paint on the business of providing psychiatric care to children...

not alone, always in a crowd, well, almost alway, and yet, all alone...

all i ever wanted was the one... family... forgives everything... forever... and i remain true to my word, my promises, my love... and the only one... so were they all liars or thieves or just frail imperfect humans excused by their god or some such delusional excuse for shirking responsibility?...

this probably belongs in another blog but what's the difference (or what is the point of the most important writing ever if no one ever read it?) so the story continues, day after day, carved from whole cloth, created from the (e)thereal imagination between the lines... and if only for my amusement, so be it...

how was your day? :)

rinse again

i woke before light and was showered and at work before light and twelve hours later i was still at work, but it was light... it's dark again now, just finished eating and a bit wired from the food and sugar cupcake lemonade high, wait, was that last night or tonight?... anyway, i must sleep soon to be awake before light tomorrow cuz i have a bust day starting early tomorrow just like i did today...

it's all about work, magellan, sipp, dcf survey... seven surveyors taking out charts apart... the best care in the world can be brought down by sloppy documentation... they want what they want, those surveyors...

and now, starting to nod off...

did i pass out?

musta bin sumptim like dat... after all, i woke before light and was showered and at work before light and twelve hours later i was still at work, but it was light... it's dark again now, just finished eating and a bit wired from the food and sugar cupcake lemonade high, but i must sleep soon to be awake before light tomorrow cuz it's what happened and it's probably not so good to change what happened...
\
see ya tomorrow :)

into the night again

and jackson got home and i still sense some softball team tensions as last night my game party (and her family visit) was interrupted by some drama from the drama queen of the team and tonight i hear he won't be back, which is a blessing for the team in just about every way... i just wish jackson wouldn't get so defensive and secondly, wish she'd understand my perspective better... anyway, we're just gonna go out and have fun and make decisions based on letting everybody play and trying to keep everyone happy rather than taking the game seriously and trying to win... while that tends to be frustrating for me, if that's what the team wants, so be it... i still don't think that's what the team really wants though as last season when i took myself out so someone else could play they were upset because he walked in runs and we blew a big lead and we lost that game... i'll just go with the flow and let other make the decisions...

and the air conditioner seems to have gone on the blink as it isn't cooling the apartment, so i opened the patio door and windows and we'll be hot and sticky tonight... the air conditioner was running non-stop all day and the place just got warmer by the hour, so i'm not wasting money on running an air conditioner any more until it's fixed... hopefully they can come out tomorrow as it was in the 90's today... alas, poor happiness must be locked in a room again, worse this time cuz it's gonna be quite hot until they get here...

and here we are, moving into the night again, should be sleeping, but wanting to share more... guess it's time to take getting more intimate with someone or some people more seriously again as the desire to share grows... the place is much more tidy, but still there are lots of boxes stacked in corners and much unpacked, much of it kitchen stuff... hopefully jackson will find time to sort through that stuff with me cuz i don't want to decide what to keep out and what to put into storage without her input, i mean, lots of the kitchen stuff belongs to and is used by her, after all...

so little time...

hope you are enjoying your night too :)

nothing new, just kit

yeah, seems the cleaning laundry sorting-through-boxes and continuous moving activities have brought me back to wanting to kit (that is, keep in touch) and more, ungraded the loneliness to want the one or at least someone who wants to share the daily drivels, the mundane moments, the stuff we do in between the stuff we tell others about...

yeah, you may have noticed some particularly mundane entries today, narf...

laundry is spinning, boxes are rearranging, kitchen is cleaning, other rooms are sorting and stacking and straightening and so on, and i'm just letting you know cuz i wish someone was here sharing the moments...

make it like a memory :)

march madness

while i am engaged in a touch of spring cleaning, i am watching upsets in the making in the ncaa college basketball tournaments... the mens and womens (and the nit) all vie for my attention as i carry on with the household chores...

and what are you doing today? :)

so much to do around here

yup, decent little nap and now, time for laundry and more sorting through stuff in boxes that won't fit into this smaller apartment (yes i know we've been here for almost two months, but the unpacking {and clutter} continues... what can i say, it is a smaller place for a lot less money, but all in all, much more fun {amenities, when there is time to use them} and the office people are a much much {much squared) better)... so i shall get busy now and if you wanna come over and help, you are very welcome (if you really wanna help, that is... or if you are a libido fantasy and want amazing sex, cuz there's always time for amazing sex for a libido fantasy... are you serious?)...

so much fun to enjoy too :)

for the win

the sunday morning softball team got a win today, which won't happen often this season as most of the guys are just learning the game and/or have not played in years, because the other team didn't show up... so we scrimmaged with each other... fun, but i was so bleary exhausted from lack of sleep, i just blobbed around the field and hit poorly... they did have me pitching though and i did that ok... can probably pitch in my sleep...

and now, as my lunch date slept in, i'm gonna take a nap... hope your day is fun and relaxing too :)

crazy but fun

that is me, i suppose, in comparison with most others, i am way older than the kids i play with, hustle more, sleep less, and do a whole lot more different things as a routine part of my work and play than most others around... so here we are, whatever time it is, and i';ve got to be on the field around 9:30, which is less than four hours... so i will sleep less than three hours... and then, hustle out to play softball...

the drama is not over for the sunday afternoon team it seems as the drama queen, as he shall henceforth be known if he chooses to continue to be part of the team, is demanding a face-to-face apology before the game next week and i am not playing that drama he seems to love on the field... that is part of what has been wrong with the team for the two seasons since we let hime join the team (after his previous team dissolve due to drama)... everyone else seems satisfied with my email that was meant to apologize for any hurt feelings and clear the air about leaving the past behind and moving forward... drama queen wants to bring it into the next season and he's using jackson as a go-between which is driving her nuts... i told her to tell him she's out of the loop and if he has complaints or issues that were not resolved in the email, then he needs to man-up and call me himself and cut the dramatics... he and his shadow (a kid who follows his lead and followed him from the previous team) have the least to be upset about and i approached his shadow after the game and his response was the game is over and we should let it go... but apparently drama queen convinced him otherwise... if they contact me i'll simply repeat what he said, that was last season, that game is over, and they need to let it go... drama queens can be poison to a team...

meanwhile, much fun at the birthday party game night in spite of the text message interruptions and the call to calm jackson... she's so caring and sensitive that it eats her up inside when conflict happens and she's sucked in... hopefully my telling her to wash her hands of it and redirect any issues to me helped... and meanwhile, i better try to sleep a bit...

hope your life is as active and exciting (but with less unnecessary manipulative drama)...

this pitcher's mindset

sent an apology email to the team i yelled at last weekend... part of me still wonders why i should apologize for calling out laziness and lack of teamwork, but the old the way i did it distraction and offended games were played on me so i gave them what they wanted and maybe now they will hear what i meant because maybe now i will calmly and wisely find the words to say it much more clearly...

I think understanding where i am coming from is almost as important as apologizing though, so maybe after a bit of time goes by and everyone has a chance to digest and hopefully forgive, i'll share what i did not articulate well on the field and what i left out of my apology (because it didn't belong in an apology)... and if you've got the time, i'd like to know what you think and understand as i sort out why i did what i did (which was call out a the player playing second base for standing motionless as i turned to throw a runner out who was halfway to second and an easy out that would have ended the inning and then, when the response was 'chill out, it's just recreational softball' and no other voices speaking up, i told the team if that's how you all feel then do it without me and i'll go chill out, probably in less articulate words, and i stopped playing and let the other pitcher pitch)... so i don't do it again...

ready or not :)

i did not want to hurt feelings, i wanted to wake everyone up and nothing else was working... the ball had just hit me in the face and that triggered a lot of adrenaline and i felt desperate to shake it up and say sit down on the bench if you are not ready to move every time i pitch... i said that very poorly...

i feel it is important for a team to understand the mindset of a pitcher...

every pitch, every play, i've got to be on... this goes way beyond the responsibility of not walking people and of not giving a hitter an easy pitch to hit... there is a much more important reason that has nothing to do with winning or losing... every pitch, i've got to be right... i've got to be ready... my focus has to be as acute as possible... my energy has to be as high as possible... the odds are very high. higher than any other position (and catcher is not far behind) that i will get physically hurt if i am not on, awake, alert, and ready to move as fast as i can on every pitch...

this is because of something quite obvious that might not be in everyone's mind at that very moment the pitch is thrown... yes i must throw the ball a very specific way to a very specific and relatively small spot just over forty feet away, but much much more, this is because there is another person, sometimes a very strong person, standing there just over forty feet away waiting for the ball with a bat and his or her primary purpose at that moment is to swing that bat and hit that ball as hard as he or she can in my general direction... less than three seconds (less than two if I don't arch it high) after i release that ball, sometimes from an awkward position, that ball could be travelling 90 or more miles an hour right at my face (or any body part) from just over forty feet away... if you cannot visualize, empathize, and understand that level of risk and readiness, you should never be a pitcher and really might not want to play softball cuz it could happen at any position...

odds are it will not happen every pitch, but odds are a few times a game that ball will come right at me and if i am not as sharp, as alert, as ready to move as i can be, i will be hurt as i was last week... a pitcher can't afford distraction... a pitcher can't afford to have a conversation in the middle of a pitch... the worse and most dangerous thing anyone can do to a pitcher is to break the focus by saying something directly to the pitcher during the pitching motion...

i've seen pitchers knocked unconscious... i've seen pitchers blinded... i've seen pitchers have bones broken... i've seen pitchers with bruises that made running and walking (no less playing ball) challenging, painful, for days and longer... we can joke and say get out the violins, or we can face these facts.... so i am there, my mindset on every pitch, on every play is be ready to move... fast as i can...

when i see others just twenty or thirty feet behind me standing completely still, my reaction is complicated... on one level i am frustrated and let down, hurt (feelings) even, because i am risking injury with every pitch (as are they) and they are sleeping, lazy, or whatever, just not there, not ready, and letting the team down...

on another more personal level (where anger comes from) i am concerned that they will get hurt... infielders are only 60 to 90 feet from the ball coming off the bat... the harder hitters can have that ball travelling 60-80 miles an hour when it reaches them right at an infielder's head... if they are standing around unprepared, not ready to move, they are sitting ducks, targets waiting to be injured... i have seen infielders knocked unconscious (and all the rest) more than a few times just because they were chatting with a coach or simply not focused as i pitched... i feel some responsibility as i pitched when they were not ready... i set their injury, or potential injury, into motion... if i did not pitch, they would not be hurt - or worse... that is part of a pitcher's mindset...

as i said, few recreational players seem to understand this, what i call a pitcher's mindset... i wonder if i explained it clearly... i wonder if my frustration and anger might be a bit more understood... i find myself frustrated on new teams... i don't know the people and don't personalize as much... but just frustrated...

i find some anger when i am playing with people i've known for years, when i am playing with people i care about more personally, when i am playing with friends who have been hurt more than once by a batted ball who still don't seem to get it... it is so much easier to shut down, feel sorry for myself, feel isolated, alone, and misunderstood, so much easier to point to the you let the team down feeling than the more personal, vulnerable you can get hurt feeling, but they are both there and it is the latter than creates anger because it is just a game, but i care about you and don't want you hurt...

i get frustrated when we lose, but i get angry when someone gets hurt when they do not have to get hurt, when someone i care about lets themselves get hurt, or raises the risk of getting hurt, by simply being asleep at the wheel (or not ready to move when they are 60-90 feet away from a potential 80 mile an hour missile)...

if that makes any sense at all, then maybe you can understand my outburst even better now, especially when you know in this specific instance the adrenaline was spiking in me because the ball has just hit me in the face, moments before... anyone twenty feet away from me paying attention would have noticed... i've been eating soft food all week and chewing is still a bit tender a week later from last week's ball-to-face hit, but that adrenaline and injury does not excuse what i said or how i said it or what i did... it just woke up the reality of the risk in my head and i was too distraction, upset, hurt, and angry to articulate (and this is where much of the anger comes from, my own inability to express myself and be understood in the heat of the moment, it's more anger at myself turned outward and the kind of anger we have at kids when they run into the street, but let's not let psychobabble distract from the serious point here... there'll be time down the road, i hope)...

we know what triggers are... my triggers right then were the sharp pain in my face which heightened my awareness of the risks that i feel a couple of people do not take seriously on this team, and the response around me (and maybe i shut out other voices)... all i was hearing (at least in my head) was the same thing i hear a lot when my adrenaline starts pumping - that it's ok to stand around on the field because it's just recreational softball... it really is not ok, it causes injuries...

this thing i call a pitcher's mindset explanation is not meant to excuse anything i did, it is meant to hopefully help you understand what goes through my mind every pitch and how vulnerable we all are, especially those closest to the bat (catcher, yeah you, but you are always so awake and alert and positive - and thank you so much for that, that i feel safer for you and not as distracted), and maybe it helps you understand how responsible i feel because i start the ball in motion...

i don't know how others will react to this... i did not want to excuse myself or explain myself and distract from the first point in the email to the team - that i did not mean to hurt feelings and i wish i didn't hurt feelings and i am sorry that i did hurt feelings... i do not want this 'pitcher's mindset' to be viewed as an excuse or trivial rationalizing or as insincere crap, because it is not... it is just what is in my head and heart every time i pitch a ball... i'd like it to matter to my friends...

ah, so that's a pitcher's mindset... well, at least that is this pitcher's mindset... i wonder if anybody else understands... hope so...

thank you dear readers, for riding along on this one... we'll be back to the less emotional (e)thereal reports of the mundane and trivial facts of life that you all love so dearly in the next entry...

snarf...

and a surprising bit of fun

one of my sunday teammates (yes, on the team i blew up at last week for lack of hustle and i am told by friends that some are telling others that they are 'very offended', but nobody's emailed or called me about it and only one person has paid for next season, for that matter, as usual, cuz they always let me lay out the $560 team fee and pay me some time down the road, so should i be very offended that they treat me as sugar daddy and don't respect my wallet?... snark, yeah, snark, i'm entitled to my sense of absurd humor and balance, it's my (e)thereal, after all, ya know?) asked me to come out and play on his friday men's league team tonight after work and they are a fun bunch of supportive guys, so not everyone completely misunderstood me last sunday...

much fun, three hits, we won, and i'm invited back next week... and now it's relax with pasta and ncaa march madness and let's see who gets upset tonight... hope you are making the most of everything too :)

maybe the busiest week yet

and there's a lot more to do to complete the week, but i am taking time for myself this weekend even though it'll put me farther behind and give the boss more chance to do what he does best (which is keep people in their place by lowering their self-esteem, which i am learning to ignore) so i don't burn out because i do require the income to survive and do not want to put myself in a position where i cannot do the job...

how was your week? :)

not enough already?

wow, how many bummer days and downbeat entries in a row already?... not even unrefined bullsugar amuses the unhealthy busy-ness of these lonely times of la la la blah blah blah wah wah wah and so it goes (and you're the only one who knows)...

but who are you, aye?

narf...

disappointments

two playoffs in a row in two different leagues and we blew both... the first last sunday i took myself out of the game because i lost my temper at the laziness on the field and the second one tonight the other pitcher started and pitched two innings and i went in for the third we were already down 8-5 and we were up 10-8 in the bottom of the sixth, but unfortunately my three shutout innings ended and we lost 11-10, tough way to go... they played better defense, our errors hurt us... i got two hits and scored twice, but still, tough loss...

work was, as each day this week was, non-stop busy with investigations and for the fourth day in a row i got none of my regular work done which means i am four days behind and that is just the way it goes... if my boss wants to fault me for not being able to do two jobs, work life will suck for a while, but if he decides to be fair, we shall see... meanwhile, major increases in respect and cooperation (hoping it will last) brought elation even in the midst of manic busy-ness and potential for the same old crap set-up come tomorrow... shhhhh, enjoy the elation of today (work time, at least)...

days like these always increase the loneliness...

sigh, at least i have my fantasies...

i’ll just go on adoring...

nothingness

there was a time when i was lost innothingness, fascinated by the infinity of the concept, saddened by the emptiness and loneliness that seemed to eminate from the perspective, and whatever, oh yeah, amused by the ambivalence (or apathy) of it all (all of nothingness)...

now, who has the time...

point

but who counterpoints? :)

i miss the night

feeling more alone than ever tonight as the reality of how different i am from the norms of our culture rose back to clear consciousness again and wondering why people choose fear and limits and weakness and confusion and laziness over conscious awareness, responsibility, and the strength that simple logic and intuition provide...

the night remains my home...

asking too much

the story of this life is i give too much and ask too much of people and that is why i sit here typing alone each day/night (and will until the one shows up... no compromise tried before has worked, so i am learning not to ask anything of anyone unless it is offered and then, accept what is offered and most importantly, don't expect to receive what is offered... that is the real in the physical world...

so the team didn't show up... one of the most important players, the shortstop, didn't show and nobody knew until a minute to game time and after the lineup was turned in... rush lineup change... another player was not there at game time, so we had to make another rushed lineup change and the umpire was totally uncool about it, demanding we start the game when we still had a ten minute grace period according to the rules... my mistake was trying to please the umpire who was going to call all the plays on the field, including balls and strikes... so our lineup cost us runs...

the team took the field out of positions, not warmed up, and were dead, as in totally lethargic for two innings, not fielding easy ground balls and making wild throws, sleeping at their positions and the plate...

i finally blew up at them after a hard grounder took a sharp hop and hit me in the face... the runner to first was fast and almost at the bag when i recovered the ball, but slow runner to second was only halfway to second and i turned to throw and nobody was at second... 2B and SS were just standing there at their positions... this is a frequent laziness on the 2B part and has cost us games before and this was the playoffs...

so i asked if she came to play or wanted to sit and she said the logical play was to first base so i was wrong for not throwing it to first... i turned to pitch and she gave my more lip as i was pitching, so in the dugout after the inning i told her that i didn't want to hear lip to justify her laziness especially when i am in the middle of a pitch and she said i needed to chill it's just recreational softball... i blew up and said something like so does that mean just play when you feel like it and let the team down when you are too lazy to play your position and then i was told to chill by my roommate, which infuriated me - where is my friend having my back?... too worried about other people's feelings, i guess...

so i walked out of the dugout and chilled, as suggested, telling them to show me what they can do without me because i am not taking balls to the face for players who don't hustle behind me... a coaches challenge, from my perspective, but of course the human way is to personalize and take offense rather than face up to the irresponsible laziness and lack of teamwork…

they might not have liked what i had to say and may have thought me very wrong, but they stepped up and suddenly were almost (key point is almost) all moving to the ball and their bases as if they came to play and suddenly their bats kicked into gear too... coincidence?... not if you know anything about sports and team dynamics...

i’ve tried many other ways, one-on-one, pep talks, explaining the basic fundamentals of playing the game, explaining the physical dangers of not paying attention or being out of position, teasing about getting some solvent out here cuz feet appear glued to the ground, nothing’s worked on the two laziest…

we lost 14-10, should have won... we finished 7-1 for the season and the only loss was 7-5 on the first week when the team was not complete or hustling... all but two players stepped up and hustled well after i called the team out on being asleep, but those two players were enough to give up ten more runs and they were easy outs at the plate, killing rallies... yes, the 2B was one... and the other distracts from the game regularly by moving slowly and chatting on the field instead of getting to his position and focusing on playing (which is, ultimately, dangerous… he was playing SS and moved to pitcher after i “chilled”... he walked too many easy outs and couldn't bend to field his position, but no one asked me to come back in and pitche... they did ask me to hit though, because that would be an out if i didn't... nobody asked how my face felt)...

i expect too much of people who sign up to play ball... i don't think so, but the lazy ones apparently do... if they don't see that the adrenaline rush i started by confronting them hard was the primary reason we even had a chance in the game, then it's time for me to consider another team and more than that, who my real friend are... that's what stings most, that jackson thinks i was wrong for confronting the laziness...

story of a life, i ask too much... honesty is too much... hustle is too much... not making excuses for laziness when a team depends on your hustled is too much to ask for... and loyalty of a friend is too much to ask for too... and i give my all, but asking for the same effort, alas, too much...

so my roommate and friend is out with the team and i sit here alone, which is why i am still feeling hurt... the team, the laziness, the loss, that's meaningless in the big picture... but putting the team ahead of my when i was visibly and audibly pissed off, well, at least i have the words to express myself to you, whomever you may be...

of course this is just my perspective and i may be wrong, but i am right for me... why put yourself at risk to play a sport when others on the team are standing around so your risk is wasted?... show me that other side, the perspective that says it's ok, set yourself up to lose and possibly get hurt, it's only recreational softball, after all...

and the dream that somebody will care enough to give everything and stand by me no matter what carries on...

did i say too much? :}

sleepy sunny sunday

well named, this day, as it is sunny, mostly, and the blessing of a passing cloud to keep the temperature from getting up to the 90s is welcome this afternoon... stopping home a moment to rest and catch a few moments of basketball and take happiness out for some exercise and relative freedom and fresh air... he's on the porch now... and i'm still learning how to use the new phone, which needs more testing so i need to make and receive more calls this week...

we lost the first game, rather badly, actually, making a lot of poor throws and poor errors on simply batter batters... fundamentals were not there today at all... the team we played wasn't that good, but they won 14-1... i scored the run after leading off the fourth inning and advancing on two grounders, the second our guy got on by error, and a sacrifice fly... i only got up twice, batting fifth, and the first time the pitcher made a great play to snag a hard hit i though would get through the middle...

the first game of the playoffs in the other league is in a couple of hours and it'll be an upset if we lose, but anything can happen... hopefully the team is ready to run, cuz when they listen on the base paths, we win... when they don't listen and don't take extra bases, we lose... it'll be really hot and they may complain, but i'll be trying to get them to run the bases to win...

hope your sunday is beautiful and fun too :)

phone hiccups

yesterday i spent at least eight hours researching and shopping for a phone... and today, well, back to the store un-inspired cuz the phone was not working properly... it worked out quite well so far and there is hope that this phone will not need another exchange in the next 24 hours...

and then, pizza and cupcakes and relaxing at home with the ncaa tournament... the strangest part of this is being disconnected from everyone cuz the entire address book is gone... so people will be added as they contact me and that may be perfect at the moment cuz anyone not contacting me is not in my phone... those who wanna be, will be...

how about you? :)

playing with my new toy

well, while life around me increases in its chaotic clamor towards eventual annihilation, or something like that, i relatively gleefully (with just a touch of frustration due to lack on intuitiveness {though i still think the word should be intuitivity, but that’s another touch of frustration, linguistically speaking, for another time) in the interface) playing with my new toy, the htc inspire 4g (though the 4g part is rather bogus, but that is att lagging behind the industrial standard once again due to lack of whatever, strategic planning, fiscal responsibility, being too big for its own good, or just getting fooled again)… so many layers of joy and happiness intertwined with the limits of this life, like a scrumptious layer cake for someone (who me) who much prefers the cream and icing to the cake, ya know…

and how is your beautiful day going so far? :)

oh yeah

i like my new phone... i did not like it at first because it was such a pain to buy... it took more than five hours of waiting, four stores (at least) and in the end i settled for buying the phone without the protective cover or the hard shell case cuz the stupid manufacturer sent the phone to retailers before there were enough cases and screen protectors so if the phone breaks, tough luck buddy... though i will write to the manufacturer and to att to let them know what a pain it was to give them my money and how i will be quite unhappy with them if anything happens to my phone that the screen protector and hard case could have prevented...

meanwhile, after all those hours and trial and error by the radio shack staff (every shack tech in the store came over to try to figure out how to set up the phone and it still took hours and three different phones) and finding out that because my old phone screen broke (which is why i went shopping for a new phone today) they could not transfer the contacts and info, so everything that was on the old phone collected over three years is screw you, gone buddy... that is really so very wrong...

and so i arrived home in a crummy mood cuz of all that and cuz i was starving (didn't eat all day and it was after 9pm) and the stupidity of the power tripping at work was ridiculous once again (so i spend much of the afternoon shopping online for phones cuz the phone is used for work too and i am tired of giving so much more than 40 hours to the place, especially when the boss starts micro-managing my hours) and i am still the one supposed to be supporting everybody in life with no one coming around on the what goes around comes around side of things and wha wha waaaa la la la so...

a few more hours of playing with the phone and i figured out a thing or few (like the previous entry says, aye?) and now... I like my new phone :)

hope you like stuff too :)

what's this?

well apparently I went and done it and here we are and my big fat thumbs are learning how to type on a touch screen qwerty keyboard cuz I went and bought a dang smart phone... it is an HTC inspire.4g... yes, very cutting edge... in fact this phone is so new the accessories are not available yet so I am typing directly on the screen instead of on a screen protector and the store people at radio shack did.not.know quite how to set the rang phone up.and it.took three hours and three phones.cuisine the first two did not work and then they forgot to put the users manual back in the box so I.must go back tomorrow to.get the manual to actually learn how to.use this thing... but if this post goes through then I.did.learn a bit through the haphazard art of trial and error, narf :)

Hope your night was fun too :)

neck stiff again

body cries for sleep even as the adrenaline is pumping cuz i just got home from wicked and wow, yes seriously wow, they found two absolutely fantastic stars for that show and a great supporting cast... i am often disappointed in a show after seeing it with the original or near original cast, but not this time, wow, seriously, wow...

could have bought a new laptop with the money it cost, but it was worth it... few experiences in this life like live musical theatre adrenaline... now if i only didn't have to work tomorrow, i might get enough rest to reset my neck... ah, the perils of corporate life... but it pays for fourth row center tickets to wicked, so i'm not complaining...

hope you had an amazing night too :)

empty boxes

so much can be written into (or is that read into with a slippage of unintentional meaning there?) the title, empty boxes... the bliss of finally unpacking and actually moving into a space and making it your own... the sorrow of empty boxes when there is no more of the bliss that was once in the boxes... the boxes can be homes or rooms where once joy and laughter and friends and family lived and played and now they are empty... the boxes can be minds and hearts after giving it all away... or spent spirits exhausted from the race relishing rest... or whatever (so profound, we are)...

tonight i opened this blog box hours ago and because distracted by something, i don't recall what... i found myself sitting here asleep and wandered to bed but a head/neck ache kept me awake so i went out on the patio and enjoyed the night air (and tried to decide whether i enjoyed the swishing sounds of the cars racing by on the expressway or whether i longed for the almost absolute silence of the woods where i used to live... i still haven't decided, which is probably a good thing)...

and now i sit here outside in the cool night air tapping on these keys... the day was another typical work day, too much to do in the time alloted, but i still enjoy what i do even if it's too much of a good thing... did not fit in exercise, again, which is not a good thing... pigged out on pig, that is, baby back ribs and the typically decadent sides, again not a good thing (and probably why my head/neck hurts, but that's been done and life out here on the patio is swishing by mostly relaxed and cool and comfy...

i miss sharing more, miss time for other activities, but love life as it is too... if only those forty-two hour days would begin :)

some in-betweens

so this might have been the space for an entry had i not become distracted by whatever and nodded off as mentioned in the next entry and instead i offer (or present, even) a mini-compilation of the babbling going on in other areas of the gardens in-between these (e)thereal updates of the live on the surface as i experience it day to day... just cuz you all want to know so much... yeah you, and thanks for being out there too :)

the facts of death
sucks to know
sucks to know
right off
hope
perspective
laci girl
tears

right off

as opposed to right on, i mean, or more like write on, as that is what i am doing tonight, inspired in part by my own frustrating day, but then lifted by watching another appear to feel what i used to feel more than i allow these days cuz i just stay too busy to think enough to feel... is this the dead i heard about when i was young, the dead i would never become?... thank goodness for the words that keep me alive, if just barely...

yeah, i should be sleeping, naturally... but the moods and the internet called... even if i am the only one who knows, and so it goes...

may you be aware and make the most of it too :)

fell asleep, woke up

not as exciting as it might have been had i actually re-awakened (shades of rumours of my death have been premature, but that's a horse of a different... wow, what was that mixed metaphor i used to play with?... tune?), found out i left the stove burner on (low, i think, jackson texted me to tell me) and then work crap bugged me as i laid in bed and then realizing i don't have the tickets for wicked which is in less than 48 hours bugged me so i got out of bed and searched through a box of mail for the tickets and did not find them and so i went online and checked tickemaster and called and they are closed and so i emailed them but that may be too late so i must remember to make time to call tomorrow dammit to heshickivaticuss, today was not a good day, much...

and how was yours? :}

waiting for food

while my neighbor, who's patio is just ten feet away from mine, is cooking on coals (oh, i must get a barbecue grill now, aye?), i am waiting for my food to cook in the more expensive and less tasty electric oven... fish (yay, healthy) and macaroni and cheese (yum, but... yeah)...

work was yet another strange battle of egos and insecurity... why so negative?... that ought to be the slogan... while i hear words like treat each other with respect and dignity in meetings, in private people treat each other with negativity and passive aggression... do ten great things and the focus will be on the one thing that did not get done so well with comments about how shaky your job is...

stay positive, let it go, and start again tomorrow :)

what when?

got home a few hours ago and heated up the third gyro and spinach pie and almost came here while it was heating up but somehow got distracted (who me?... what's that light over there... wanna play a game?) and so, hwre we are and i was asleep just before house ended (but woke to watch him jump) and then watched more tv (distracted, me?) and then remembered that writing is why i am here (at least between falling in love) so here we are, again...

a lot of work done at work and still the ceo toys with his power which is probably his way of getting back at me because corporate forced him to let me do more of my job, power politics is just not why i'm there and i wish he'd get that, but maybe he just gets off on manipulating and intimidating people... still, somewhere deepe down, i think he wants to be good, do good, and really help (and it's not just the $200K a year keeping him there)... he just has everyone around him scared of their shadow and fighting with each other... i don't know if he wants it that way or not, but i think it would be better for everyone if it wasn't so tense...

and i float through as i float through everywhere... doing the best i can to do the best i can to enjoy the moment and to help others enjoy the moment...

long day fun

distracted by playing with numbers and brackets for my softball league (working out a 14 team playoff on two fields in two four hour blocks giving the first and second place teams one bye each) i neglected coming here to update the day as the day progressed so i will do it now (and the previous entries will be uploaded as soon as this one is done but you didn't know that until now, isn't time manipulation fun?)...

this evening we played one of the four teams with only one loss (we are one of them... one of the other teams with one loss was scheduled to play the team with no losses, which is the only team that beat us {we lost 7-5 and played poorly} but that other one loss team didn't show so they forfeited {they did the same for our game, so they actually forfeited to get their one loss to us and now they have two, so they may be good as they didn't lose any games they actually played| and dangit, that gave the undefeated team first place {if they would have lost, we'd have gotten first if we won our game today, and we did}... the other one loss team also has a tie)... we run ruled them 18-7 and that locked up second place for us going into the playoffs, which gets us a bye...

and home to eat gyro and chocolate mousse and yay... neck pains continue, this time they switched to the right side in more of a stiff neck kind of pain as opposed to the deeper pain that has been haunting the left side lately... it made pitching more challenging, but except for one inning where i walked someone and we gave up 5 runs, i was fine and the team was fine and next week, playoffs here we come...

and how was your day? :)

early games, less sleep

yeah, so while sleep would have been good, i was up early this morning to head out to softball cuz i love the game and must get more exercise into my life...

the morning double header saw our brand new team with all but two players having very limited softball experience and half of those not having any knowledge of playing the game actually won a game, hip hip, yeah, yay... we played a team that was also winless and they remained winless and we didn't... the second game was the reverse, so we gave that second team their first win... but improvement is definitely happening... four or five of the players are pretty much automatic outs and errors giving up bases and runs (say maybe they'll get on base 1 in 20 times if luck is with them and it was in the first game as the opposing pitcher walked at least ten batters in the four innings we played) and three of them did not play that first game... we scored 16 runs and held the other team to 7 or so)... all of them played the second and well, we scored only 6 or so and the errors let ground balls turn into home runs a few times, so we gave up a bunch...

except for those four or five who will need a whole lot of work and instruction and time for improvement, there is a lot of potential in this team... since we have fourteen players and only ten play each game, we can put nine players with good potential on the field and they have good hitting potential as well, so by the end of the year there should be a pretty good team... we do play everyone, to be fair, so some weeks we'll be easy marks, but even the really poor players will improve some...

now, a brief nap and then, off to the afternoon game where our record is 6-1 and we will lock up second place with a win today (though we play a team with just one loss) and will finish first if the undefeated team loses today (and they play a team who only lost once when they forfeited (did not show for the game) to us... yay for winning, but even more, yay for exercise and fun...

hope your day is fun too :)

sitting tough

that is, sitting is tough... painful neck pains, redundantly painful, recurring when i sit too long, but why?... the way i hold my head up when i am sitting in this chair?... is it a posture thing (my know-it-all voice says that is all it is and that it is the body telling me to exercise more and get my spine straight which is the old stop the pity-party and get your act together and stop pretending you are ignorant and stop trying to be an unaware human like everybody else and so on and forth and la la la)... there is the screaming tinitis in the left ear and whether that is connected to the left neck pain, well, dunno... stop distracting me body, i've got brilliance to think and relaxing to do :)

early double header tomorrow... so to bed early tonight... good for the neck, i suppose... if anybody is out there, thanks :)

choices are life

or life is choices... or both, more likely than not... and tonight the choices are head out to universal studios for a free concert or stay home and rest... the rest is winning big time... but the concert, it is yes, the band that has been around for more than forty years and even though just one member is of the original group, the music is classic memory that i would love to experience live and yet, rest is so rare and sweet and the bottom line may be i don't feel like driving all the way down there by myself and even though there are some friends going it's still a 40 minute drive by myself and that is not rest... and i'll feel lonely too and i don't feel like feeling lonely... avoiding feeling lonely keeps me alone, ironic... is it?...

softball practice was good, i jogged around the bases without pain, just a little stiffness, and i pitched and hit fine... i'll use a pinch runner tomorroe to be sure of not aggrevating the hamstring and to give the team a better chance cuz i won't do more than jog if i'm base, but hopefully by next weekend i'll be almost completely healed and ready to test running again... i hit at the batting cages before practice and that was good too...

after practice i stopped at my favorite place for middle eastern food in town not just cuz the food is huge portions, well priced, and delicious, but the owner is one of the the friendliest food entrepeneurs i've ever met... and then i stopped at whole foods and picked up some very expensive red yeast rice which is hopefully the red yeast abstract the doctor recommended... i almost bought brewer's years, but found the price too high at whole foods so i'll check other sources... i used to eat some brewers years and bee pollen every day when i was in a younger body and that may be one of the many reasons i am still playing ball with twenty year olds... of course the whole foods chocolate mousse may have not been the best thing for the body, but... yummy gyro, falafel, and spinach pie... and chocolate... i still need to pick up showelaces for tomorrow as my cleats need them... so i ate delicious food and now, rest is the sweetest dessert of all :)

wtfun

there is, actually, one body amidst the bodies i hang out with that attracts me almost to fantasize and another that is close, but something in the way they move their face, a little too controlled, a little too suspicious, a little to, what's the word, jaded (or is it really just uninterested?... could be, though we do share fun and talk about life and each others lives)... the sweetest almost libbo shaped body has a engagement ring on and is devoted to a long term long distance relationship and the other has had several relationships in the time i've known her and i am less attracted because of that for reasons deeper than the (e)thereal...

there, you've learned something (or nothing) about me once again... the real reason i do not pursue a relationship with anyone is the shape this body is in and the real reason i let the body bloat up and lose stamina and be undesireable (for me and that's what matters cuz i won't share me when i am bloated cuz it doesn't turn me on to share me when i'm bloated, ya falla?) is reasons deeper than the (e)thereal too...

(e)thereal 2?... wait, this blog just passed 1800 entries and i am not actually concidering another so what's that all about?... why, distraction, of course... how long have you been here? (lol lam laa... narf)...

someday my princess will come and she'll understand it all and then, wtfun :)

shake a leg

i wasn't really here but i'll tell you anyway (or i wasn't really there but i'll pretend i was) and so another production work day but still more to do than will fit into a work day so maybe more over the weekend and maybe a very long monday into tuesday morning and maybe some missing pieces from the tuesday meeting for the ceo to pick at because there is no pleasing those who do not want to be pleased and you can't give those those who do not really know what they want what they want, yeah yeah yeah yeah...

you know it's 311-11, yo, and last month was 211-11 and the month before was 111-11, for those into numbers (and many are, even terrorists) this is a banner year as so many culturally vital telephone numbers have the 11 in them and will we make it through the year without hearing the info on 411 or getting serviced on 611 or another emergency on 911 or some sort of sign on 11-11-11 or a message on or through the numbers?... time will tell, aye?...

meanwhile, back in (e)thereal, home for a bit of leftover new york pastrami (go katz's deli on east houston street) and then, off to a game night where cards will be played and hopefully, some competitive spades games will form...

see ya later :)

pastrami instead of softball

softball was rained out tonight even though the sun was shining at game time cuz it rained so hard (and the sun had just come out for the first time in more than 24 hours) which is perfect cuz the single game that was scheduled tonight which was the first playoff game against an 0-7 team will be played next week when i am in the sixth row center watching wicked and then the following week we will head into a three game playoff for the championship, so i headed home and put the new york pastrami from katz's deli that's been in the freezer for a couple of months or so into the over and and an hour and a half later chewed on tome tough pastrami (i just couldn't wait) and then an hour and twenty minutes after that i savored some deliciously tender pastrami and now the last of the pastrami goes into it's last hour or so to become like butter for tomorrow (if i can resist it tonight as a midnight snack {bad thought, body screams no no no}, narf)...

more work done at work, neck still cramping but less than yesterday, home to cook, eat (the pastrami and before it was edible, some cashews until i found moldy cashews {dammit planters} and water), and watch tv... watching more lately, but not intentially, just home resting a bit more than the last few years... neck and body want more rest, but also more exercise, i think... silly, aye?...

wanna cuddle? :)

soup to nuts

or just soup and nuts, dinner, that is... ecans, cashews, and two cans of progresso soup, light and low sodium (but not low enough, dang canned processed over-salted crap... and still, it's about as healthy as canned food gets i suppose)... the neck pains are getting more frequent, is it repetitive motion, too much sitting at the computer, some sort of embolism, high blood pressure, some kind of tumor, or muscles spasms from hell (secret messages from my subconscious brain?)...

anyway, worked twelve hours straight today without food or water (it's a habit)... could be some corrolation or even causality there, aye?... so much work... and laundry till midnight last night and more... the dishwasher works now... life is good, just wish i could rest more and enjoy relaxing time.,.. so little time, aye?...

take care of you :)

even less time

and more stress cuz there is so much to do and not enough time to get it done and still i watch tv and wander about for hours when i should be sleeping or getting more work done (but the evening is my time and the night, even more) and wha wha wha (lonely too, all alone on my own giving it all away) aye?...

right hamstring pain is not good... overtired... still pigging out... all the wild horses... and in the end (life is a series of lyrical interludes with laughter and tears so how could it not be wonderful?)...

yeah, sleep would be good now :)

and what are you missing?

yeah, the previous entry touches upon what i am missing most in this life

daze gone by

another busy week too full of work to be fulfilling enough in creative playful ways, especially without a partner in life, but at least i have a roommate who is fun and plays with me and a few softball teams so i do squeeze in fun exercise at least five or six times a week (softball this afternoon and tennis tonight, two softball games tomorrow)... i am just pretty much insatiable so i always want to play more and there's definitely not enough time for the creativity i love and not enough sharing of creativity... life's about compromise and some years are about the making of the money and other years are about the creativity and the former dominates life in recent years... anybody into music, songwriting, singing, creative writing, photography, and wanting to share, you are welcome (encouraged, eagerly awaited, ya ya ya yay) to come by and share...

balance, that's what it's all about :)

yeah, another backtrack

sometimes days go by, or daze, even, and i pop back in time to put a few words into this blog cuz, after all, it's written daily, at least, ya know?... and today was yet another in a series of way too busy days at work where not enough got done and then jackson decided it was pizza night (and i almost never say no to pizza night) so two very expensive pizzas were ordered from mellow mushroom and we pigged out (seriously, an epic pigging out did occur)... then, the bad news...

arriving home i found a notice at the door that warned of eviction if the rent was not paid... so what happened to the auto-pay i had authorized for more than two years that the new office staff (and the old office staff and every office staff at every apartment community that was owned by Equity Residential) said "no problem, the auto-pay will transfer as soon as you sign the lease", i wondered... i rushed over to the office and found it locked, but one of the staff came to the door and did not have answers about why the auto-pay did not switch over and refused to take a check saying i could only pay with a money order and when i asked why a check was ok last month there was, again, no answer... meanwhile, they want $78 in a late fee... very curious way of extorting a late fee from a resident...

so i wrote a few emails to their corporate offices and hopefully will find some responses on monday and then, we can discuss what went wrong and why my rent check was refused and whether they actually want me to pay rent and how i can actually do that... they can also explain how they justify a late fee when they stopped my auto-pay and refused my check...

meanwhile, the night ended with a celebration as i consumated the price savings deal with sears and had $251 dollars (and tax) credited to my credit card so yay for saving money (and still free delivery)...

the pizza was insane :)

so not enough time

yeah, another busy day at work with not enough time to get everything done and then squirmed my way through heavy traffic to get to the softball game on time and we had an easy win and i scored three times and went 3 for 3 feeling good about taking extra bases and then home where jackson and a friend and i watched the magic pull off an amazing come back against the heat (yeah, nba besketball) and then, bed... i did spend a little time on the computer, but heck if i remember why...

life is way busy with work and fun, how about yours? :)

sometimes you just jump and hope

that goes for everything, from the biggest leaps in life (love committments, major re-locations, job/career changes, home purchases, yeahm, the big stuff) to hitting the snooze button one more time or what's for dinner or you know, whatever)... and tonight i changed my mind about the washer dryer rental cuz the rental company lease was demanding access to my place whenever they wanted it without my being there and that is just stupid... so i cancelled the lease and searched a half dozen other rental places and they had crappy washer dryers for rent and checked the washer dryer i wanted to buy one more time and found i could get then for $579 each instead of $705 each and free shipping, so i called the store and ordered by phone and they'll be here sunday (between softball games, i hope) and the biggest hope of all is that they fit in the laundry room (cuz they might not and then i'd have to exchange them for smaller models, but we won't go there cuz we might not have to, right?)...

about $1300 or so delivered and installed after i remember to call and get the price protection or price match or whatever they call it credited to my credit card... from $705 each down to $579 each plus tax and a power cord, so maybe less than $1300 when all is said and done so crazy money spending but good deal and no more renting and best of all the washer is one of the top rated overall by consumer reports (especially for cleaning the clothes, which is the point, after all, and energy saving, which is good) and the dryer is very high rated and blah blah blah, we'll have clean clothes next week lol yay :)

so how is your night going? :)

what happened to yesterday?

i'll figure something out and might slip an entry or few in the time gap, but for the moment i am missing a day... let's see, i went to work yesterday and did some work, then went home and read some articles on the web and read some facebook on the web and something or other and maybe watched some tv and went to sleep... cuz that's how exciting some days get, believe it or not...

today was interesting... drove up to another hospital to learn a thing or two about something they specialize in and unfortunately moments into my visit the person i was visiting received a visit from the office of the attorney general investigating a serious incident they had there last year so her assistant gave me a tour and answered questions and then i left early, went shopping and ate an early dinner, took care of some work by phone and napped for a few minutes until moments ago when i came here to let you know because, obviously, you come here to know...

how about you? :)

catching down

as opposed to catching up, i have very little recollection of this day, but i am pretty sure it happened...