good game

yeah, pitching, hitting, fielding, all good... not perfect, one walk, but i got the next guy out to end the game... one error, but i picked the ball up and threw the runner out at first... and all five runs were on errors that were in people's gloves and bounced out (though on popped from the shortstop's glove into the center fielder's glove, which was special)... and they were the first place team that beat us last time we played, but today, it was 19-5 and but for a few dropped balls, it would have been a shutout... i had three singles and a double in four at bats and was hitting the ball well, solid and where i wanted it... yay for good games, they feel so good...

even when i haven't slepted for days :)

wasn't i supposed to be asleep?

by now, i mean... i mean, here it is in the afternoon and i left work cuz the doctor's note was for three days which includes today which is a standard doctor's note, so why do people in power shoot themselves in the foot trying to micro=manage and over-control people and stuff they really can not control (they can only push people away, if that can be considered control)...

seems a game is keeping me distracted as only games can (no food, water, bathroom, sleep, what?... there's life outside of my head?... oh, ok, i'll try to remember to go to the softball game tonight... meanwhile, hope you're having as much fun as i am :)

always a surprise

people, i mean... so the doctor's note that was demanded stated three days and so i was sent home cuz today is the third day... so the demand that i be back at work with a doctor's note from the ceo backfired on both him and me cuz i have a ton of work piled up on my desk and tomorrow is the first of the month and whether on purpose or not, the pattern of undermining continues... oh well, i'm home now and i'll leave the stress behind...

meanwhile, on wall street, that stock etrade would not let me buy at it's closing price of 1.45 closed today at 1.95 and opened this morning at 2.00... i was able to get 200 shares at 1.80 so i made back the brokerage charge and made a few dollars anyway... if only i wasn't so lazy (and not feeling wekk) earlier in the week, i'd have been able to pick it up around 1.20... it's been down to around 0.50 and up to 4.00 in the past year, but it's one of those instinctive lottery-ticket stocks i hope will take off... it's not as it i make much money on the market, but i sometimes like to buy a stock... of course it can go up or down at any given moment and for me, it's just a game and time will show how this game plays out...

and now, maybe a nap :)

morning already?

well, thanks to a rather manic micromanaging ceo who does not seem to understand basic professional boundaries or ethics, i didn't get the sleep the body so desperately demands and it's another work day...

hope yours is much fun too :)

no sleep to softball

yeah, i'm heading out to play softball now without sleeping since tuesday or so... the game build-a-lot2 by wild tangent has absorbed me, though i am still conscious and can pull away for softball, it's a wonderful addiction...

see ya later :)

pretty much a popularity contest

human life, that is, the social popularity so vital to egos and self-esteems and being right and control and all that... i can probably do a fair job of explaining it, but i really don't get it...

i expected matt to be fifth and eliminated tonight (yeah, american idol but i sure didn't expect adam to be fourth... popularity now, not talent will decide the rest because all five are professional quality singers who have ther potential to be grammy winning performaers with the right songs and hanfling... and while adam's talent is amazing and he did clean up his look, he really isn't the idol mainstream that chris, for instance, fits... they are all so good... and while she still needs work, the girl has my sentimental smile... and now they are four...

hope your life is exciting and smiling for you :)

when sick, play games

that was the way as a child, cards and whatever was around (in my house there was cards)... the latest distraction from the headache and death warmed over body is a video game called penguins... it's reminiscent of donkey kong and sure enough, i got lost in it for hours... no food today, i think i'll fast (though i dorfet if i am starving the cold or fever)...

wish you were here, es[ecially if you are a good nurse...

are you my mother? :}

back from the doc

i do my best not focus on negatives and really do try not to whine (though the baby inside does want to sometimes), but i actually did feel like death warmed over monday night and most of the day tuesday (headache, runny nose, ear ache, scratchy throat, stomach cramps, diarrhea, body aches, and profound fatigue)... for a moment, watching the news, i was concerned about swine flu and knowing this body, kidney stones and who knows what cuz i had all the symptoms of both (except for fever, which was why i was not really much concerned)...

feeling much better today, but the body aches like it was hit by a bus and is physically exhausted cuz sleep was broken and restless even though i stayed in bed most of yesterday... i intended to rest up today, but no, an angry phone call at 8:45am woke me demanding i prove i am not a liar by going out and sitting in a doctor's office where i am more apt to catch something than resting at home... wow, it's kind of amazing... i feel sorry for a man that selfish, paranoid, and insensitive... not to mention unfair and probabnly legally unethical in a ceo position...

the clinical director was out more than a week in the past two months and every other manager has been out at least a few days, some more... the ceo himself went home at 10am sick and took a couple of days (though it's probably not on record as he's the boss)... and me, i've not taken a day off since early january and haven't called in in longer than that...

anyway, the doctor gave me a note covering three days and offered more which means, if they are really going to play by the rules, they should send me home tomorrow because tomorrow would be the third day, but i intended to go in and i shall... i've got way too much work on my desk and there is nobody else to do it... even though the child in me tells me to take the rest of the week and go see another doctor cuz it would be a snap to be tagged for lab work to rule out the swine flu that everybody in the news seems so panicky about these days... if only i didn't take my work so seriously, aye?...

so how is your day?

makes no sense

the boss, that is... he's the ceo and has no people skills and little impulse control... so he just called me and woke me to yell at me for taking yesterday and today off and demanded i bring him a doctor's note as if to call me a liar... the last time i called in sick i was in the emergency room and they wanted me to stay overnight but i refused because i have really crappy health insurance and did not want to spend more money and i didn't really think i needed to be hospitalized... that was months ago, maybe last year... and so his losing his temper was so unprofessional and unethical because i have something like four hundred hours sick time and got three awards for not calling in during a quarter last year... so why he got upset and basically called me a liar (why else demand a doctor's note and threaten me with a write-up for unauthorized absense for two days?... policy says an employee needs a doctor's note after three days and only if there is a suspicion of lying or pattern of calling in... the records show i hardly ever call in, so he simply makes no sense on any level)...

so instead of resting, i'm going out to the doctor now... it makes no sense, but that's the strange ways of the boss...

but not sleep?

why not?... because the new laptop has all sorts of games to explore... the child inside wants to play... the mind does not want rest... the body dies, but the child and the mind play on...

i'll try that sleep thing now... again :)

another day off

yup, i decided to take another day off... i think i'm going to sleep now and maybe feel rested good, that's good and rested, when next i wake... wouldn't it be ironic if i didn't wake this time... and you would have missed it, but no worries, the dead man's post is scheduled for somewhere in october this year in case i do actually die in the real...

nite nite :)

dumb etrade

yeah, well, i don't understand how etrade works, obviously... they somehow took almost $600 out of my account in the past year... i'll have to find time to call them and find out why... and that meant i didn't have enough money to buy the stock i wanted to buy so the order did not go through yesterday... just for the record, the stock closed at $1.70 today and i was %1.45 yesterday... so much for making money with etrade... they obviously make it too complicated and rip people off like just about every other american business...

remind me to call them tomorrow, aye?...

about the idols

the american idols, that is... how to choose from the last five... she is fantastic, but young and needs more confidence and honing, but she's definitely got a major career ahead of her... adam should win, but win or lose, his career is a lock... the other three will have hits as well, but who should win... i pick adam, but i'd not be surprised if any of them get voted off as each of them are better than the winners of some years past... by far...

lots of singing and entertainment talent out there this year... wish you were here :)

forget the title

waking after twelve or fourteen or something like that hours sleep or something close, could use another twelve... maybe i'll take another day off tomorrow... in any case, i'll sit back and listen to the american idol kids and dream of sensual creative sharing... hope you are enjoying your day :)

deeply sleeping

there i was, and remained, so this is an entry in abstentia, or from dreamland, or something like that... just cuz i want you to know... cuz i want to believe you care...

still no sleep

gonna take today off i think, yup, today to off take call the message leave today off... there, it's done... called in for the first time this year... gotta do it, gotta take care of me...

dang though, sop sleepy, i won't be doing much but sleeping today...

nite nite, i think :}

what madness

something bubbled up from the depths of the primordial ooze to spill into behind the candoor and that lead to eating more food instead of going to bed and that lead to playing more chess and that lead to watching craig ferguson and that lead to here, again...

loving every minute of it, yeah :)

stocking up

yeah, well, just when you though all the humor was used up for the night, i went and bought some stock... the code is gltc and it's going to skyrocket in the next five years, so i wish i was crazy enough to buy more than 200 shares, but the dang broker i use somehow sucked up something like five hundred dollars out of my account since last time i visited (i'll call them one of these days to find out just how they justified that... they probably have very legal reasons, even if they are totally wrong in the eyes of all the good gods and all that is right in the universe)... anyway, i have three stocks now, though i am not sure how to prove i own the stock i bought in the 80's cuz i left the certificates in toronto (slowly i turn, step by step... oh wait, that's niagara falls) and the other stick that i bought for 10 cents a share is now worth one hundredth of a cent per share... yeah, i'm a stock market genius... well, i was kinda sorta in the 80's {something had to pay for my 90's early retirement, after all}, but don't tell anybody)... so yeah, there's your insider tip...

remember, you heard it here first... someday :)

patterns

after taking a 13-1 lead in three innings, we made enough errors and misplays to give up the maximum seven runs in the next two innings and laid down to lose 15-13... the team just suddenly seemed beaten and lost after giving up seven runs on poor field play and suddenly could not hit after creaming the ball in the first three innings even though we were still up 13-8... i never got to get up to bat again, everybody just made outs... i didn't pitch, i played third, though i only had one ball hit to me and lost that in the lights to let the batter reach first... so once again i stood there feeling helpless as the team fell apart around me... i was in the on-deck circle when the last out was made... alas, dreams shattered, hopes dashed, much laughter somewhere in the world where the one awaits... you wouldn't believe the party in my head in spite of it all... oh, but if only you truly would believe... just keep swimming :)

and there's another game thursday... still fun fun fun :)

sooo tired

like ten years ago, ironically, the fatigue from working too many hours is growing deeper and more encompassing... the eyes are showing the baggage for the first time in this life... people will think i am getting old or something (so many reasons for laughter in my head at that, aye?... even if you didn't notice the recent melissa etheridge reference... nyuk nyuk)...

nite nite :)

oh wait, it's morning...

hi-ho :)

when will it end?

work?... life?... fun?... loneliness?... laughter?... fatigue?... sensuality?... the rush?... so many things that can be taken so many ways (as words are so multiflous) are happening that could end, wonder which one i might mean... wonder?...

off to softball now... have fun :)

almost asleep

oh yeah baby, thos boy is almost asleep and it's not even midnight... wise move, which could be followed by other wise moves, but that is so unlikely while i am wandering through this lazy lonely goofy fun-for-all and above all else hedonistic playfulness i dance around in these days... when nobody is sharing the life and sensuality, the best i can do is over-enjoy it...

if that makes sense to you, call me... and if you think i am wrong, tell me why if you can... either way, you'll be challenged to dance :)

almost good tired

wonder of wonders i survived the day even without sleeping last night... nobody knows how crazy i am, nobody knows my mind musical alas and all... yeah, so anyway, i go on throught he wind and the rain and the blazing sunshine (got a bit toasted today) all by myself and love every minute of it (even without jerry) cuz i love me and i love you and i'm not even a big purple dinosaur... liquid protein lunch, now some homemade italian dinner... life is good, no matter how much better it would be with the one, life is good :)

hope you are enjoying it too :)

between fields

another debacle... i walked one and struck out a half dozen, but a dozen errors (at least) behind me gave up most of the seventeen runs and out bats never woke so we lost something like 17-3... i hit nthe ball hard twice (yes, i only got up twice) but both were caught, one on a good play, one easy catch... the team we played was red hot, only has one lose, and beat the undefeated first place team something like 15-3... their only loss was to the first place team... we lost to them in the first game we played them 3-2...

and now, off to the other field for pracice with the weeknight teams... what are you doing today? :)

no sleep. i must be half crazy

don't need any reason, just playing in my head... i could have clean up around the place and did some laundry and such, but noooo, chess sucked me in and instead of sleeping, i'm about to get ready for the long hot kick-ass day of sunday softball...

once again, we're my princess to save me now? :)

slumbering tumbleweeds

yeah, just like the old song, only different, the party was fun and i was only semi-stuporish most of the night... some news to digest and one couple seemed to be just beginning (jane may have found a man, though we didn't get to talk much and she doesn't share much personal stuff anyway)... much time was spent talking to one half of another couple who just split up after four years of married bliss and as devoted as he was to her, it comes as a major surprise (to him as well)... and others were there for catching up too (i hadn't seem most in a month or so since i hardly went anywhere but work and softball the past month)... jimi was there, but he didn't mention the money he borrowed...

just getting home... it was a fun night in spite of the sad news and emotional roller coaster some are on (and you know me, where there's an emotional roller coaster, this empath will be riding along)... i probably ought to sleep before softball...

nite nite :)

sleep, burp, sleep

though i work a few times and almost didn't fall back to sleep somewhere in the early afternoon, i slept something like twelve hours, maybe more, and the groggy stupor under the running around candle-at-both-ends burning lifestyle is surrounding my brain like jello and whipped cream around fruit in an ambrosia salad (or something like that)... a week off of intensive sleeping would be so sweet... anyway, it's time to shower and head to a party in the real world...

how about you? :)

addictive, naturally

my personality has an addictive nature, that is, and once again i find a game that sucks me in and takes the place of sleep... the chess game i mentioned earlier (yeah, i haven't slept yet)... i moved up to level 5 and so far played 20 games and won 10, lose 7, and 3 came to a draw... i actually won the three draws, but didn'[t realize that playing with the king instead of just going for the checkmate would result in a draw until after the third draw... in other words, leaving the king no moves is not checkmate, it is a draw, even though i am one move awaqy from checkmate... and a few of the loses i was nodding off and just clicking moves, so level 5 should become easy when i am awake and brush off the rust...

so spades and chess are the current gaming addictions... see why i won't buy ncaa college football?... i'd want to retire again and that's not in the cards for a few more years, at least... and i do want some social life, sheeesh :)

make your weekend fun for you :)

and another week ends

five days of trying to get out early, five days of staying late, and this is supposed to be the lighter week... i enjoy playing with access and excel and numbers and graphs way too much for my own good... just me and the tv tonight (cuz nobody's here to cuddle or coo with, cha know)... maybe a look at email... wonder what you are up to... hope it's good :)

into the zone

the veggie zone, that is... wandering aimlessly through the mind between my ears as if it might not even be mine while watching barely semi-interesting stories on tv and exploring the new laptop (did i meantion i found a chess game on it?... starting on level 2, i'm finding it relatively easy... i'll move to higher levels eventually)... and i did cook a bit earlier so i'll have food for the next few days, but i didn't clean and that's a few hours the place really needs... maybe tomorrow, but sleep is the most desperate need of all if i want to be at least semi-coherent this weekend... so are we having fun yet? (if only you were as easy as me :)

all by myself

i could have disappeared and who would have noticed?... ah, waking pensive, lonely, and real... it's just a life thing... so take care out there, wherever you are :)

lose wome, win some, lonesome

well, there i am sitting and watching

up the creek, our friend-team, play their game and there's ten minutes to our game and one person is there... and then a few people show up and it's time to start the game... and i'm on the mo9und and the umps are calling for the lineup and the couch hasn't shown up with the lineup yet, so we may be forfeiting... last second, she shows up and we start the game with an automatic out for being late and with nobody warmed up... we lost big on dozens of errors...

second game started off the same, nobody into it, like they never showed up, but then, something happened... second inning i lead off and get to second and some twelve batters later there is one out and i am up again, a single, and i almost got up again that inning... we won by more than twenty runs... but the scroeboard was out and the umps were not keeping score and the scorekeeper didn't bother telling anybody and anyway, we won big...

out with a few of the team afterwards, just water and firecracker shrimp, no liquid calories... crazy staying out past midnight and watching craig ferguson when i got home and another night of less sleep than the body needs and the brain is frizzing... so sleep, perchance to dream of feeling less tired and, someday, less lonely... cuz dreams really do come true it can happen to you, so why not me :)

home a moment

to shower to refresh to try to wake to eat a bit of liquid protein and to run out to the double header... wish i had a partner to share all this made rush through numbers and fun and work and play and softball and all... but on my own, i go out to join my work team... break a bat :)

all by myself

i could have disappeared and who would have noticed?... ah, waking pensive, lonely, and real... hopefully i'll get out early and rest or even nap before the double header tonight... take care out there, wherever you are :)

omigosh, if i had any energy left, i'd be so excited

with a softball double header tomorrow evening, i should sleep now, but i am a little hungry, but but but... yeah, loneliness makes me hungry, that's the truth i don't face as often as i ought to because it is the key to unlocking the madness of the self-sustaining loop of bloat and euphoria and sluggishness and sweet satisfaction... but the real bouncing off the wall tonight is coming from the new laptop feeling that is so shiney and smoothe and wonderfully playful... wish i had the time to play more... soon, i will take time off soon...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

he's baaaaaack

not that you noticed, but i was gone from the internet for a while, i mean, totally disconnected... not that i couldn't go somewhere and connect, like at a library... and i could have connected the old g2 i have sitting under the table... and i did have the air card, sucky as it is, so i could have connected from anywhere... and i do have internet at work, after all... but the damage was done, the old laptop was killed by my foolish deletion of files... and so i didn't have my passwords and stuff cuz they are all on the old laptop and the old laptop will not boot up... it hangs right where the twain_32 file ought to be found (cuz i deleted it, dog, ruff ruff)...

yeah, so i went out last night after work and applied for a best buy card (yeah, i know, there are reasons not to use best buy... like hey are not handicapped friendly and will not allow service dogs into their stores, for one thing, but desperate times called for desperate measures... they gave me the credit (the fools) and i am not tapping the keys of a brand spanking new toshiba a300 with a t6400 dual core cwntrino set up (almost bought one with centrino2, but they didn't have anything but 14.1 inch screens and i wanted a 15.4, so there) and 4gm sdramm 800mhz and a 320gb hard drive and an ati radeon hd3650 video card with 512mb dedicated video ram which makes the vista home premium ok, especially since sp1 is out... something like 60 security updates later and the computer is running...

i am using a trial version of kaprinsky, which i will probably pay for before the 30 days are up because i want the best anti-virus suite i can buy on this new baby and i suddenly decided, with somewhat less research than i'd usually do to make such a security decision, but hey, i did delete the file that killed the last laptop and locked up all my babblings and passwords and everything else on the hard drive, so just call my impulsive and come sit on my lap for a little while... and i connected the att aircard and after the gigabyte of downloading all the windows updates and the kaprinsky, i went to google and did the forgot password thing and after allowing ssl2 (cuz the page didn't seem to wanna work with only ssl3 allowed) and i reset the password and here we are, back, sort of, on the new shiney laptop...

time to catch up (if i ever get a few weeks sleep :)

hope you didn't miss me too much...

heading home

work is still sucking most, 80-90% of my energy these days and every day i tell myself (and everybody else) that i am leaving early, i end up there after everybody else is gone... getting a laptop will help me do more work at home, which should balance the hours and let me rest more and leave more time for other things... too bad i enjoy what i do so much, cuz i still want a social life and to fall in love someday (when my princess comes :)

for now, i'm heading home... love love love :)

time passes slowly, so?

i'm hoping tonight i will reconnect with all of you devoted fans and hope you haven't suffered too much in my rare absence... yeah, it's a good morning, even though i'm more tired than ever and wondering if i will ever...

chow bella :}

maybe not tonight

even though i am crazy (and still awake) and even though i am sad (and still hopeful) and even though i may start all over again tomorrow (and still miss you), i am quite possibly going to sleep tonight... but what if i never came back?...

nite nite :)

the bad news is

starting over without the continuity once again... how many times... how many hard drives... four... five... six... wow, the promise of never ending stories has finally been broken enough to be what is started out to be, scattered pages... only one would really get that completely...

so maybe i'll lose even more cuz that is what life is about, losing and leaving behind cuz time, life, nothing comes along when it's time to go... hopefully i'll figure out a way to continue tomorrow, cuz tonight i am shut down (wishing you were here, ooo ooo oooo ahhhh)...

shhhhh, don't tell :}

it was right now

yes, it was right now that i was standing at the counter at best buy seeing if the credit application would go through and when it did, i walked out with this new laptop... pretty new shiney laptop... it was right now, finally, the edge is here...

plug it in, try it out, hope for the best (and try to figure out how to access the old one's hard drive later)... but right now, food and americam idol and maybe even sleep...

waking to the news

i mean the news about the laptop... it died last night... mudered, actually... of course it can be resurrected, probably, but there was some sort of horrible outlook express shutting down bug that shut down outlook express kind of randomly and yeah, i could have switched to another software but noooo, i had to take on the demons myself just cuz i found ways to beat them every time before...

there's always a first time... and i'm out the door to work,,,

ok, so i was still awake

yeah, crazy as it seems, i still live in my dreams... and since i don't remember them almost all the time, i don't live much, aye?... nope, rolling through life waiting for the one (yeah, that the one) who will wake me up inside to live the dreams... one of the few real reasons i love the night and so rarely sleep, even as the years demand more and more...

craig ferguson is amusing, really... miss you :)

getting better all the time

wow, two beatles song references in one day... and we not only won tonight, we run ruled them (which means leading by 10 runs after five innings)... we went into the bottom of the fifth ahea 14-9 and scored five runs zing, we were winners... balanced hitting and decent fielding and good pitching combined for a win... at least seven of the runs they scored were on errors, maybe eight as four balls went right past third that were easily catchable and a ball went past the left fielder that became a three run home run because of the infield errors... but the hitting came through, so we ended up winners... our coach says we are 2-1 for the season, yay...

go figure, the undefeated thursday team is the only team that's lost in the last three weeks and they lost twice in a row after eight wins in a row... oh well, on to the work team, also with a 2-1 record, this thursday... we are having fun, right? (you will, when you get here :)

coasting on through

the day was productive, creating a new spreadsheet graphics report for individualized behavioral interventions that the doctors have been asking for and then some headway into the survey response plans (now that is pulling teeth with a soap sponge as the resistance from the directors is massive, not just passive)... so i made great headway in the work i do and made some strides into the work i am supposed to motivate others to do...

and even got out almost on time... now, dinner and then, softball... hope you are enjoying yourself :)

good morning good morning yeah

not enough sleep, as usual, but still sliding along into another week... mondays are the blitz day, if i stay up emotionally, lots gets done right through the softball game tonight... if i let myself slip into fatigue too deep, the funk starves the brain and nothing works out too well...

let's hope for a good day :)

trippin the fantastic light

yeah, so well, i did it again, as i semi-watched without a trace and cold case while doing web stuff (writing and reading) and so i start the week off with a sleepy monday even though i play softball monday night and once again i prove my childness as i don't want the weekend to end so i simply do not let it end...

wish you were here, whomever you may be :)

eggplant parm

this is, provided there is enough cheese and has the right sauce, my current most favorite food of all foods on the planet and there's this frozen brand of all things that satisfies my craving for the stuff right here at home and i must eat it six to eight times a month, which only goes provide further proof for the hypothesis that i am still a child indulging flights of flancy and momentary impulses and cravings of the moment and all those things that make a child a child by our adult human definitions...

or something like that...

anyway, after consuming half the package, which is better than the usual most of the package (could i be considering eating normal human sized meals?... better yet, i ought to start eating child-sized meals and a few a day, right, you know... anyway again, after the consumption, or during, even, i watched the sunday night cartoons i enjoy (though i enjoy only two a whole lot and they other two not so much and then, there's a new one that did not even begin to impress me at all in it's first episode... i'll leave it for you to guess which are which and if you consider that fun, you may be partly a child too, a little)...

and if you are amused by this little game and my momentary cravings and have any understanding of the hunger to share everything that has lead me to babble on and on and on in dozens of different diaries and journals and blogs and many thousands of letters for years and years online and offline and you might possibly experience it yourself as well then we might even get along... or be best friends... or get married and live happily ever after...

even if eggplant parm isn't your favorite food of the moment...

but you have to love cartoons :)

and home again

yeah, not enough people showed up at the weeknight team sunday practice, but we had fun and got a decent workout in anyway... unfortunately, the younger players did not want to stick around so we played a four on four game with the batting team pitching... odd, but still fun... we ended the game in a tie 5-5... and no beer and wings and fried food tonight, instead, home again for home food... still looking for more push (and someone to soak in a hot tub with so we can commiserate and enjoy the exhaustion together, but i've never known anybody who would push to the limits i push, alas, nobody's as functionally crazy as i am, sigh and all)...

still, another fun sunday... if you're out there, yay :)

from the field

from the batting cages where i used the 38 ounce bat (or was it heavier?... it's old and all the writing is rubbed off... it's an old bombat) until my arms were all worked up and then, to practice where we stretched and threw balls, but still don't do the full practice we should do... and then the game where we were in pretty good control with only six runs given up on wild throws and errors unti, the last inning when wild throws and errors game up six runs and tied it up... we scored five runs in the extra inning and shut them down in the bottom of the extra inning (i struck out one and got another to ground out to me) and we won 17-12... now, it's off to the other field to practice and play with the monday and thursday teams... sundays are for burning the calories, pushing the muscles to their limits, and enjoying complete exhaustion, yay :)

spinning around softball

life, that is... i mean life is spinning around softball... and work... so i rested friday and saturday night and sofball sunday starts now (earlier than usual)... it's keeping the body as fit as it can be without daily running and gym workouts and a lighter diet (the diet is actually quite balanced, just more of everything than the body needs sometimes so it remains thirty pounds over the supposed ideal weight according to all the charts and tables for normal humans... not that i've ever been able to pass for a normal human, but that's besides the point)... i've gotta run to the batting cages now - make your day much fun :)

ought to be profound

you know, like another saturday night and i ain't got nobody or something cuz, after all, it is saturday, saturday night alright, but nothing profound comes so we just relax and enjoy the ride... amy pohler would understand...

but would you?

afternoon naps

the sweetest sleep short of sleeping in on a work (or school) day might justb be the unplanned afternoon nap... and after weeks or months or timeless ages, or so it seems, without one, i enjoyed one today, just now, in fact...

what to do tonight... maybe nothing, change is good :)

back from work

on call this weekend and sure enough, another young girl finds herself hurting enough to meet the baker act criteria... what a world we live in these days... so we talk and she tells me of the voices in her head and her history and on to the next stage, the doctor and medications... the psychiatric hospital system, welcome to the machine...

by the way, which one it pink?

od on protein

ok, so i bought this whey protein powder and it comes in this huge plastic container and when i open the container i find it is not only less than half full, but there's this big protrusion in the center of the container that cuts the space in half and makes scooping out the power (with a spoon as it does not come with a scoop even though the serving size is two scoops) even more challenging... what a waste of plastic... and the point of a container that size is what?... marketing??...

anyway, i definitely overdosed on protein last night... that's why i am away so early on a saturday, headache and bloat... maybe it's time to start being a responsible child again instead of an impulsive hedonistic child all the time... yeah, since nobody is stepping up to save me (burp) like they do on tv and movies... it's florida, where apathy and superficiality flourish... yeah, and the sun was in my eyes... anyway, it would probably extend my lifespan...

sometimes i think i am the only one amused by my sense of humor...

make today much fun and care about yourself and someone else :)

betrayed by tv

oh the drama, the horror, the betrayal of trust so generously granted by the innocent child inside who, in secret collusion with libbo (do the research, learn more about me, the web world awaits the curious, bored, caring, and even the self-riteous control freaks who want to save the world by trying to change everything except themselves, but let's not wander too far from the subject at hand, aye?), found reason to look forward to nodding off in front of the tv on recent friday nights instead of going out as i've been doing for the past couple of years... the decadence of playing hookey from the calendar may seem kind of odd, but hey, it's always fun for me to change up the status quo... and the body loves the rest...

but the tv, people, the tv betrayed me... yes, the shows i usually watch were not on... i switched stations again and again (cuz i don't remember what station they are on... ummm, yeah, this is the avid fan i can be, aye?... full of sarcasm and casual interest and passive pursuit, uh-huh... and giggles at the self-mockery, of course) and the shows did not go on... dang entertainment industry lies... lies, i tell ya!...

so i nodded off anyway... hope you had fun tonight too :)

home early again

this time i may just stay, another friday at home cuz rest and vegetation is a decadence that is more fun, at least the last few weeks, than going out to the social life out there... a few things i'd enjoy are on the calendar, but staying home has that thrill that comes from playing hookey or calling in sick just to give myself some self-time...

what's up in your world? (yeah, i ask cuz i care and want to know, even if you aren't ready to respond at the moment.. respond as you please, ya know? :)

fun night, mostly

except for the end of the game... we took a three run lead in the first inning and they answered with five runs (i walked two, dangit... though the ump was inconsistent and wouldn't call my best pitch a strike even though most umps do, but still, i have to adjust to the umpire)... our bats were kind of numb, but at least we shut them down and it was 8-5 going into the last inning... we rallied and went into the bottom of the last inning ahead 11-8... we got two outs and then, the busted hits for four runs and ouch, we lost... fun game, until the last run crossed the plate... it was not my best performance, but holding this team to 12 runs is a feat, especially when they are hitting well and they were tonight when i did not make perfect pitches... with a different umpire i'd have had three strikeouts instead of three walks and we'd have most likely won, but that's the breaks...

after the game we went out to the wing house and after a while were laughing and having fun again, so it was just a short grumble... the best thing about this league is that there are playoffs and that is when we must get serious... hopefully we will...

work was full of investigations and re-education as i put on my risk manager hat and continued re-training supervisors in the policies and procedures and correct implementation of the behavioral program and so on and so forth... and one more external investigation which makes way too many i've got to keep pushing the bad news in the faces of managers and supervisors so they take their responsibilities to hold all staff accountable for their actions and following policies and programs and consistency and all that...

and you?... how's your life?... hope it's fun and rewarding :)

stop n go

left work a few minutes early to come home (here, hi) to change into softball stuff and now, out the door to softball... we play last year's chanpoins tonight... they hit really well and it's got to be a near perfect game to beat them... hopefully we'll all come awake and focused... and the excitement continues to build...

have fun out there :)

as if i was here

but i was here, actually, but i am writing as if i was here cuz i was here but didn't write when i was here so i am writing now as if i was here... so make today wonderful...

hi ho :)

sleeping, shhhhh

yeah, i'm sleeping... i nodded off earlier shortly after dinner and then woke to watch the non-elimination show of american idol and then watched a bit more as i nodded off again and now, i'm sleeping again so shhhhhh...

nite nite :)

it's not my job

the second most frequently used cop out in the english language titles this entry for no good reason... though work was ridiculously sticky today in the could not get away from it kind of sticky... i started leaving right after the meeting in the morning and found myself stopped at the door enough times for can't wait projects until 3pm... then i went shopping for food and just getting home, i'm cooking and don't feel like i had any time off at all... wrong, totally wrong...

ok, so maybe it is my job...

fun, no? :)

work eat sleep work

that's all i do these says... and softball, much softball... and while i'd rather be making love, or cuddling, sometimes, i am enjoying being this workaholic softball addict way too much and not even loneliness brings me down enough to change the pattern... wonder how long this will last...

hope you love your life too (maybe we'll share the pleasure one day :)

just getting home

yeah, real time on the time date stamp, i am just setting a spell here at the come back spot, turn left at the cement pond and roll right along the black gold road to the humble abode (or is that hummable toad?) and lighten your load, you know, set a spell... yeah, so i am sooo tired, la dee da dee da... the song, i mean, you out there? (picture yourself in a bleary eyed stupor with ticklish knees and musical thighs... suddenly someone is there in the mirror, it's you with your innocent eyes... and if you've never found your innocent eyes, well, you've lost the most magical part of you and you just have to work harder at the sleep deprivation pleasure thing... check into it, you won't check out...

work, huh?... investigations took me away from my desk all day, so i stayed to get the reports done for the meeting tomorrow cuz, well, the meeting is tomorrow... i intend to leave before noon tomorrow... hopefully i am not forgetting any important meetings after the morning important meeting... of course nothing could possibly be more important than what jamie foxx said about miley cyrus, sheesh, radiohead hit the nail so right on the head once again, entitled is such an arrogant american thing... must have learned it from the french...

so sleep would really be the wise move now (or not move, to be more precise), but you know me, just getting home from work, midnight, time to be seriously wired... is pb&j and vegetable soup an odd mix for a midnight dinner?... yeah yeah yeahs have been on tv twice in one week (or more, perhaps, but i only caught them twice... on the big shows, no less... i used to love late night television... i've liked the yeah yeah yeahs too... yeah)...

aye?... oh, i see, an ironic turn of words, yeah...

hope you are enjoying your night as much as i am enjoying mine... do it, you know you can... yeah :)

staying at work tonight

yeah, i'll catch up with you later... i'm staying at work until the work gets done tonight... probably won't need an all nighter, but we shall see...

enjoy life :)

swooosh

like a ball through a hoop, these are the days of the life... and with heaping piles of pasta in super-salted rich creamy sauces, bloat retards everything to a slow motion haze... or is that fatigue... both, but of course, as if the obvious child needs questioning... would be fun with the right playmate, but then, so would everything...

so what else is new...

love today :)

strange and wonderful softball

i wonder if i'd feel this good if we didn't come back with four runs in the bottom of the sixth with me being getting a hit during the four run rally and scored the winning run... actually, i'd still feel wonderful because jackson, without any prompting, confirmed my feeling about the thursday night team odd behavioral last week... it's a relief to stop wondering if i am just being a baby or paranoid...

anyway, i struck out a few and went 2 for 3 with two rbis and we won 9-8... and half the team was wobbly tired and out of it the way i usually am on a monday but i was determined to enjoy softball and talking to jackson charged me up and yay for friends...

time to eat and then sleep... nite :)

gotta go again

to softball, cuz i worked until just a few minutes ago and had to rush home to get changed cuz my softball addiction is still somewhat alive in spite of the strange tunraround of last thursday (and maybe having the work team was actually the instinctive genius i've always known myself to be secretly with nobody looking or noticing and my modesty keeps me from mentioning it ever so nobody ever knows but that's ok cuz my altruism and completely centered selflessness and completeness of being allows me to enjoy basking in the solitary brilliance of being me and mostly laughing all the way)...

see ya later :)

gotta go

work, yeah, gotta rush out to work cuz i was all set to sleep in an extra couple of hours and i called my admin asst and let the message and then called the ceo's admin asst and she was there and reminded me today was new employee orientation and it would be very irresponsible to skip it because the staff cannot start working until they go through orientation, especially not the risk management part, which is one of the three parts of orientation i do...

so out the door to the holy war, or work, whichever comes first...

or something like that (humor wins again, for me at least)...

still watching

the tv plays without a trace and i realize why i do not start the week off with a good night sleep, sunday night tv... so i was healthier, physically, without the tv... and i bet if i looked back at the entries in this blog since it began, i was probably happier, emotionally, without the tv... tv sucks me in to the emo roller coaster and leaves me feeling lonely and wanting more because ultimately, it empties life of the real because time spent with the tv is not real... ah, revelations, aye?...

if you were here sleeping with me, i'd be healthier you know, so it's all your fault... we will just have to find someone to sleep with me, right... since it's all your fault, get moving on this, will ya?...

nite nite :)

should be sleeping

yeah, but instead i am watching sunday night tv... cartoons, cold case, the unit... the cartoons we understand, but the macho conservative police violent shows?... i must be losing my mind... i'd say it's the loneliness, but then, i am not so sure... apathy?... ambivalence?... some other big word?... feeling disconnected... real?... the real?...

maybe tomorrow...

yum

more pasta... the last few days i've totally carbo-loaded and though the body is spacey and it's going to add pounds, it's such a great wonderful feeling on an emo level and somehow, on a physical level too... the liver and kidneys stress more on the high protein low card diet... except for the bloat, the body feels better on the high carb diet... trouble is, the body doesn't burn the carbs the way it used to (and i don't run a few miles a day the way i used to) so it's a schedule for weight gain...

smaller portions suck :}

so anyway, another lazy afternoon as i decided not to head out for softball because i doubt more than a couple of people would show and nobody called cuz it's a holiday for most people... i did get a couple of happy easter texted, whatever that means :)

hope your day is sunny and smiling :)

awake again?

not nearly enough sleep, but not nearly enough exercise and way too many calories to be good rested... hey, but it's that sort of vegetative weekend (haven't you been paying attention?)... it's the sugar hangover talking, i'll be with you in a minute... or few hundred :}

cooking

which has nothing to do with food, though i did pig out today... sugar rush and wonderful party in my head, but finally, it is time to crash... still alive and well, sugar wasted and i'm gonna find my way to the bed, cha cha cha :)

hope your night was even better (with much love, real love, true love :)

still vegging

yeah, did it, continued vegging like a pro vegetable... probably gaining 15 pounds in the past 24 hours, even shutting down the brain as much as it can be shut down... the bloating helps... as does the solitary confinement... and, of course, the television...

wish the one was here...

happy birthday jackson

yeah, one of my favorite people in the real world is celebrating her birthday today and yay for celebrating her being in the world...

happy birthday to you :)

vegetables do it

yeah, referencing the old song birds do it, bees do it... i am doing it vegetable style today... maybe i'll wander out to the game night or the other things out there tonight or maybe i'll just continue zoning in the low energy (not depression, right?) zombie fun of doing nothing (except pigging out... do vegetables pig out?)...

yeah, steak, pizza, pineapple, all sorts of foods without leaving the house...

even after a full day of corporate touring and inspecting and selling and so on to distract me, i find myself still digesting the thursday game, or more specifically, the lack of logic behind insisting i be there and then sitting me after two innings as if i was responsible for the errors and wild throws behind me and why i felt loyalty to them over my work team...

let it go, move on... enjoy the vege...

solitary fun and games

amusing myself today with computer spades and nonsense tv and mostly, vegetating... letting the mind and body vegetate is an essential part of a healthy lifetime (public service announcement)...

carry on :)

sleepishly awake

morning comes and i found myself in bed and while one good deep sleep is hardly enough to recover from weeks of intense pushing and months of neglecting rest and years of working the daily grind (not to mention the lonelies) and times away from the depths of babbling meditation, it was an excellent night and now, wonderful morning...

everybody should do it (with much silliness :)

yeah, sleepish

pass out, woke up, passed out, woke up, doing it, yeah, i'm doing it, sleepishly... there's a fizzy bubbly party going on in my brain and you're all invited, even if nobody ever really gets in cuz when push comes to shove and we reach the bottom line, everybody's afraid of such intense intimacy and unabashed insanity (and big energy words too)... someday, the one might come, but until then, i'll just keep inviting and hoping....

think i'll crawl over to bed not and actually sleep deep... yay :)

almost sleep

home at an almost normal hour (for the 9-5 game) so i cooked and ate and fell deeply asleep and woke in time to watch part of sarah conner which is a story i have enjoyed since the first terminator (though it was the second that made it a relatively permanent part of my entertainment psyche) and the storyline intrigues me enough to makes it worth wondering how the story will pan out and and summer glau interests libido ego enough to draw me back to watching... and then the dollhouse cuz i'd like to know if there's a decent storyline behind it's deep dark secret (these mystery secret conspiracy stories catch my attention for a while but until i find time to watch the entire series as a pbs marathon or on video or dvd as i did with the prisoner, i don't find the desire enough to match my schedule to the show when it is actually on the air... i watched the dead zone for a while for the same reason, and nicole deboer, and lost interest somewhere along the way)... it does help when there is a face or body that appeals to libido, but that's not mandatory...

anyway, a wonderful two hour nap was, well, wonderful... i choose this cuz it keeps me home on friday and lets me take care of me and write and clean and laundry and most of all, my vegetative relaxation unwind mind dump time... it doesn't help my social life, which is stalling again, but then, i partially bored with the routines and missed my time for myself cuz dreaming about sharing everything is better than not, or something like that...

the rest has become a necessary part of survival... that is the rest, as in relaxation, as opposed to the rest, as in everything else... everything else might be vital too, but i meant the other rest, the rest, you know?...

imagine if i was awake :)

the strange workplace

well, now that the ceo forced the cno out, he's re-organizing so he's in charge of every meeting, including those i am supposed to run according to regulation and policy... and the typical undermining that disorganization, passive aggression, and insecurity breeds has returned again... i've just got to keep a paper trail to prove i've done my best to do what is my responsibility, not that it matters much...

should be interesting...

hi ho

wow woah... it's off to work i go... i slept about an hour, pushed snooze a half dozen times, and now, out the door in a sweet and funky fog with giggles floating all around my brain... how i love sleep deprivation (sometimes :)

make today a wonderful day just cuz you can :)

still 4am

yeah, the realest time of the day is still 4am for me... as if i needed to push this body and mind even more to convince myself that time off is needed, i find myself set up for less than three hours sleep tonight as i am still awake, not quite wide awake at 4am, but still awake... rambling in real time and behind the candoor (and even, almost {but only almost}, remembered candora), loving every minute of it, laughing myself silly and shaking off all the blues or dark spots and living the fun of life, sleepless specialness living in the moment while everything slips away except the deepest pleasure of being alive...

life is beautiful... love it :)

decisions, decisions

"New goal for you: 190 by June 1st,
and no more late night eating or soda"

that was the message in my email from jane... she's may just be a stubborn one, which, being the most stubborn person i know and believing it was my stubbornness that made me who i am and keeps me alive cuz my stubbornness without selfishness is stronger than my stubbornness with selfishness which is the precise mix to survive anything in this world (science and faith will one day merge to prove this fact, but until they do, you can just take my word for it, or leave it, your call as you wish and all) so this particular stubbornness i sense aimed in my direction is just that sort of more without selfishness than with selfishness (that's where the faith and science come in, together) that is the most precious stuff there is inside a person...

and jackson texted me a bunch of times just cuz she cares (and probably sensed i was feeling kinda down, which is one big reason why, by the end of the last entry, i was smiling my laughing smile again)

so my decision is to whether to focus on the rejection and betrayal feeling i got from the team tonight or the caring feeling i got from jackson and jane tonight... the positivity and caring is out there, as is the insensitivity, it's my choice which to empower and let in... yes, decisions, decisions... smart or stupid, such a challenging choice :}

so i ate five crab rangoon, two eggrolls, and two sausage with cooked onions in sweet tomato sauce, yum... oh, yeah, and a starbucks frappicino... yeah, but all ia ate today was a protein shake and a starbucks frappacino and a banana (the frap and protein shake was to keep me awake alert and energized for the game, so much for giving my all for the team)... but now, smiling at the email and the text messages, life is good again...

guess i decided to get by with a little help from my friends... thank you jackson... thank you jane... thank you caring people out there and everywhere... you make the world worth staying in :)

wow, is this a wake up call?

after more than a few errors and wild throws that let six runs score in the first two innings, the team sat me down and instead of wining the championship, we lost 17-10 in eight innings... what frustrates me most is i chose this team over my work team who needed me a lot more, but the coach of this team told me they needed me... frustration because there is nothing i can do when, if there were no errors or wild throws, there would have been no runs...

on top of that, the other team used an illegal bat in the first inning that scored the three runs and when we told the umpire, he said that nobody told him the rules so he let the runs count... and so i stood on the side and watched... the team obvious felt they could do better without me, but i am not sure why... i pitched the first five games and gave up no earned runs and we won the first five games by a total score of 81-5... the sixth game i came out in the fourth inning ahead 15-0 and we won 25-8... i didn't pitch the seventh game and we won 15-5... last week in the first game of the playoffs i pitched and we won 7-5, with my first two erned runs given up all season... so when i was taken out after two innings when i gave up two earned runs in all season, i was kind of blown away and stood there stunned for an inning or two before i started cheering the team on... i just didn't get it...

maybe they were telling me something...

whatever the reason, i think it'll be the last time i put them ahead of the work team... and the voice in my head suggesting that the message might be that i am getting too old is not inspiring much of a good feeling, but then, i'll probably laugh at the voice before long... for now it just feels like i was set up and turned on tonight...

life goes on... and maybe i'm being selfish, but i did not feel like i was with friends tonight... i did go 2 for 3 with the out being a hard line drive the pitcher snagged... i walked one in the second because the defense behind me was so shaky and was trying to give the opponents tough pitches to hit... i should not feel like i let the team down or played poorly because i didn't... i just don't understand the decision, especially not when they knew i was hurting my work team by choosing to show up for them and it was their errors and an illegal bat that let 6 runs in...

ok, thereal may be that i am feeling sorry for myself and have a skewed perspective and all that poor-me crap... alas, more than a decade alone can do that... surprised it doesn't happen more often... once in a while i would so appreciate a simple hug and shoulder to lean on... no point in feeling weak or insecure when nobody's around though...

ah, self-mocking = laughter = all better...

it's good to be a child :)

sleep, almost

still not enough, but more than usual as i nodded off on and off in the big green chair (which is far from what it used to be, what with the way furniture is made these days and it being old now and the cushions not wrap around comfy as they once were), glancing at the tv for a minute between blinks of awakeness long enough to see the american idol went the way i thought it would go as the core five (all male except the redhead kid) who i picked to have solid careers in music win or lose are still on the show...

still fighting off whatever cold bug is kicking people off the chain at work, holding my own, but definitely feeling the war going on inside (especially the extra fatigue, just what i needed, right)... ate spaghetti last night, so much for the low carbs week... maybe tonight i'll remember whatever i didn't actually plan or commit to and see about getting back on track to drop below the 200 mark again... time time time... and so, awake again and showered and out the door to work, hi ho hi ho... hope your day is shining (if not shiny and new and all sparkly too :)

make it fun, rewarding, and yours :)

waking tired

waking so tired... the body and mind screams for a day off... maybe i'll fall out early tonight... so very tired... no caffeine, no sugar, just sleep to rejuvenate... feels good, but so tired... meanwhile, eggplant last night (double) so bloat this morning adds to the so tired feeling... party fun, so tired waking . . .

hope you are having fun too :)

special

it is so heelkickin to feel special and i feel special today cuz i got a balloon and two cards at work... it's a really fun colorful balloon with all sorts of colorful letters on a black background (it says who's counting? surrounded by numbers)... and the card has two toons named hoops and yoyo who talk when you open the card... jackson is so great, it's a belated talking toon card and a balloon, does she know me or what?...

so now i shall eat some dinner and listen to the american idol kids and relax and enjoy my special... hope you feel some special too :)

celebratory stupors

yes, still writing, sort of... babbled subconsciously in and out of sleep for a few hours and our popped a realtime entry (not quite the reckless abandon found behind the candoor, but then, some might say there is a refined sophistication or something more professionalish as the blogs evolved, or something like that...

anyway, just here to say the words dance and i am so euphoric...

nite nite :)

koo koo achoo

woah, tonight was a groggy mess... pitched only ok and hit poorly (1 for 3 with a walk) with the monday defense, that meant a 14-11 loss... we'd have won if i went 3 for 4, i got up with bases loaded the first time and popped out and with first and third the last time and popped out to the catcher... of course others could say the same thing as i was stranded on base twice... and if they didn't make so many errors, but that's softball... the thing that bugs me most is how tired i was... i didn't eat all day except some birthday cake they bought at work... must do better next monday, aye? :)

meanwhile, i have been missing entries cuz i've been trying to get a little extra sleep... not working though... and of course, you miss me, so i'll try not to miss any more entries... there's so much babble bubbling up inside just oozing to burst forth, but no time... we'll have a good time then, yeah... make it real, e-the-real, with a touch of the ethereal, even... and if you see the one, point her in my direction... love, love, love...

nite nite :)

weekend

woah, yo yo yo, what a weekend...

oh yeah, extremexhasperspiratexhausition, even…

oh?.. what?... extreme x has pers pirate x haus it ion?...

what the hell is haus it ion?...

meanwhile, in the more part of my mind that tends to relate to the world with some measure of rational clarity, boy am i tired… drained… been perspiring all day… exasperated… exhaustion… 120 pitches at the batting cages… then the warm up and stretching… then the game, which we won 21-2, go figure… i went 1 for 3, my worst hitting on sundays, but i struck out a lot of their batters… the team we played hasn’t one a game yet and lost the first game of the double header they played 23-2… that makes us 3-4 for the season… we played every team in our division, so now it’s back through five of them to finish our 12 game season… and then, over to sunday practice with the weeknight teams and a new team showed up so the sunday regulars played them and i pitched lobs to let our fielding get practice and we won 20-something to 6… i went 5 for 5… and then we did more batting practice… i feel very good about the day overall…

and so wonderfully exhausted :)

and i ate a yogurt, a high-protein drink, two bananas, multi-vitamins and minerals, grapefruit juice, and lots of water... and i'm full and not eating any more tonight... wonderful exhaustion is so, well, wonderful...

so yesterday i cleaned and cleaned and cleaned (and did laundry the same way) and then, today i played softball all day, eight hours... with lots of running around, bending down, swinging bats, and all that physical movement stuff... wonderful weekend, even without a partner to share it all :)

daytime

i spend so much of my daytime at work, i forget what the sun looks like these days (if it wasn't for sunday softball, i'd be sun-deprived, but at least i am in the sun eight or more hours on sunday)... there was a phone text sound last night so it wasn't a dream, it was precious looking for some help with some drunk friends... ah, drunk college co-eds, good thing i didnt head over in a dead asleep stupor or who knows what might have happened (nyuk)...

i might have even found inspiration to actually take the sensuality and fitness of body more seriously again, huh?... yeah, well, anyway... the scale said 201 last night, not that is speaks... so maybe i should have said the scale read 201 last night, but then, it doesn't read either... so i read 201 on the scale last night, yeah, that's it... after dinner and a gallon of water i saw 205, which is not bad considering a gallon of water is 8 pounds... so more than half the water weight went into the toilet before i got back on the scale... there is one person in this world asking me about the scale numbers these days and she was the person who semi-inspired me to reach under 200 by may first, so certainly that is within reach and maybe i'll find myself motivated to under 190 by then... not a priority, but an interesting experiment distracting me from the piles of work and the daily loneliness...

wow, i thought i uploaded this... i got up to continue cleaning and got lost in the rubble... it's almost not even daytime anymore, but that's ok, cuz the sun still shines and an hour or two from now there's be a beautiful sunset that just might get me out for a bit... though i still haven't found the gym key card... must have stuck it somewhere safe so i wouldn't misplace it...

oh, just make life as fun as you can - see ya :)

who cares now?

that's right, who cares now?... maybe not exactly like i asked the last time i titled an entry who cares right here in thereal (who noticed?... snarf), but absinthe makes the heart dead (wait, did he mean absence?) so whatever and all that cool jazz... i care, simple as that, so i return (singing) and la dee dah...

i woke around 2am... i think the phone woke me, but i'm not sure... i crawled from the chair to bed and as i fell out, suddenly, i woke realizing the date and the fact that i forgot to bring down the rent check and so i went hunting for a checkbook and found it after a few and wrote a check (for march, go figure, but it's still cashable) and a wild hair bugged me to, since i was walking down to the office, go to the gym... so i looked for the key card and an hour later, pissed and amused and more tired but more wired as well, i walked the check to the office without the key card... where the heck did it disappear to... must have fallen into a box during one of my sudden cleaning sprees... hopefully it didn't fall into the trash as it's an expensive card to replace... doo doo...

i didn't run because my right achilles tendon is still chronically sore and i do not want to push it too far... so i came back upstairs and spent another hour or two cleaning paper crap... it took over an hour to sift through mail because i ignore mail mostly because it's more than 99% junk and bills and i pay bills electronically or by phone and i do not have time for junk (after all, i have to spend my fifteen minutes here telling you all about it, don't i?... still no gym card, so much more to clean and so on... and laundry... but sleep, i must sleep too... wish you were here, womever you are...

nite nite :)

work work work

so much work, life takes a back seat these days... and the dysfunction of leadership does not help ease the time demands... our cno resigned yesterday... she was my primary link to what goes on at meetings i am supposed to attend according to corporate, but not invited to because of the dysfunction (probably mostly insecurity)... a subordinate manager from another department who always has a cheerful face on, cheered when she heard the cno resigned... that is even more disturbing... i sensed the cheerful face was not quite real, but still it is sad to hear just how dysfunctional the management really is (i didn't see it, but the only other director who i trust was disgusted and told me)... we shall see where it goes from here...

so i get home and eat dinner and vege into the two friday night tv shows that have caught my attention (if you know my psyche, you know which)... and that's life today, friday, april third, two thousand and nine years after the current calendar most of this culture follows started because the previous calendars were threats to the power hungry rulers of the time... i mean, why keep track of time if not to control... yeah, whatever, philosophy something or other...

i intend to stay home and clean and do laundry and relax and sleep and that's about it this weekend... and you don't know how much i am looking forward to it... if you know anything, aye?... i'll be here when you get here, maybe, at least the words will be, probably, so hello i must be going... enjoy yourself and your time and if you have anything inside to share, go for it... as you wish...

doesn't matter what you say

or don't say, for that matter... i've still gonna be here (or somewhere) anyway... and when you notice, oh, the places we may go... so burnt...

the ridiculous of lack of time is compounded (and confounded too) by the insanity of lack of sleep until the fizziplenipple bursts firth with profundal rhetoric that means nothing more than the nonsense it is intended to be except to those who might have pushed the envelope past the post office and into the gutter beyond the daisies and those fuzzy blow-on things for wishes and wants and dandy lions roaring without coughing or syrupy glaze if you only knew, then you would know too…

nite nite (maybe :)

and that is the way is it?

heck if i know... all i know is nobody's around much, but i'm here and hoping somebody cares someday so i'll keep being here reaching out with hope in my heart that i'll never walk alone cuz i did it my way and had to be me...

and you? :)

home is a blur

i think i was here, but then, who knows... one of these days i might move in, after i move out... you had to be there, or here... so where've ya been?... and how? :)

awakish

gonna be awake today, don't know why, don't know how, gonna be awake today, starting with right now...

good morning world, how ya doing? :)

awakish

gonna be awake today, don't know why, don't know how, gonna be awake today, starting with right now...

good morning world, how ya doing? :)

dreaming of sleeping

yeah, that's me, i'm a dreamer and lately my dreams have been about sleeping cuz i am awake so much, or something like that... it's day dreaming at night...

wish you were here...

working working

seems that's all i do these days, work (and softball and the occasional social night, though those are getting rare lately)... sleep would be nivce, but who wants to sleep alone when i can be playing with friends... or working, yeah, i enjoy my job... but i'd rather be making love, yup, there's a reason to take a day off...

happy fool's day :)

yeah, right

april fools, you know :)

make today wonderful as only you can :)

yeah, right

april fools, you know :)

make today wonderful as only you can :)

i'm gone

yup, that's it, no more, i'm outta here...

will sure miss you...

even if you were never here...