that's right, who cares now?... maybe not exactly like i asked the last time i titled an entry who cares right here in thereal (who noticed?... snarf), but absinthe makes the heart dead (wait, did he mean absence?) so whatever and all that cool jazz... i care, simple as that, so i return (singing) and la dee dah...
i woke around 2am... i think the phone woke me, but i'm not sure... i crawled from the chair to bed and as i fell out, suddenly, i woke realizing the date and the fact that i forgot to bring down the rent check and so i went hunting for a checkbook and found it after a few and wrote a check (for march, go figure, but it's still cashable) and a wild hair bugged me to, since i was walking down to the office, go to the gym... so i looked for the key card and an hour later, pissed and amused and more tired but more wired as well, i walked the check to the office without the key card... where the heck did it disappear to... must have fallen into a box during one of my sudden cleaning sprees... hopefully it didn't fall into the trash as it's an expensive card to replace... doo doo...
i didn't run because my right achilles tendon is still chronically sore and i do not want to push it too far... so i came back upstairs and spent another hour or two cleaning paper crap... it took over an hour to sift through mail because i ignore mail mostly because it's more than 99% junk and bills and i pay bills electronically or by phone and i do not have time for junk (after all, i have to spend my fifteen minutes here telling you all about it, don't i?... still no gym card, so much more to clean and so on... and laundry... but sleep, i must sleep too... wish you were here, womever you are...
nite nite :)
Saturday, April 4, 2009
who cares now?
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2 comments:
i am sure if you left a note or two at http://www.breatheasme.com then joanne would remember to love you back right here at ethernettehreal so it won't seem all so lonely here anymore.
i am one of your patients really, medicated again, i cannot find presence in me anymore, only sadness again.
i have confined myself to a bed really or at most an apartment (that of my father) and so i have lost my independence completely.
and i am depressed again as i've been when 14 months you had to listen to me talk suicidal ideation. for now that hasn't returned, but the depression is hellish.
what to do? listen to your song mixes sometimes, you do have two longer ones if i click the play list place. maybe you can make a third, but soft songs please as noise i cannot stand at all lately.
the lonelies come and go, i remain
the depressions come and go, i remain
the nirvanas come and go, i remain
the silences come and go, i remain
mikey, i love you and wish you peace and happiness and love and hope this wish does not sting too much these days, but i wish you find the motivation and power within to do whatever can be done to change whatever can change to find your way out of the helplessness and into enough empowerment to remember you can be free and enjoy moments, even when happiness is not around...
i think of my own journeys for reference to write more because that is what i know best...
the one survival skill that keeps me free from incapacitation is my ability to detach from the powers of emotions while still feeling them, as if emotions re a road and this body is a vehicle that absorbs emotions and even when the road seems to have no exits i know that an exit will eventually come and if necessary, i can go off road and even get out of the vehicle, on foot running my own path or flying ethereally, cuz i always have a choice, cuz the steering wheel is internal and mine to do with as i please...
i don't know how i found this perspective, but it is very real for me in every moment in the physical world, even when i forget...
as you know, if you recall my online beginnings that were the exit from my own personal hell, i have known the downward spiral of giving up that leads to depression and i've known the hell of remaining in depression, but not the hell of feeling there is no exit for i always know and could find the exit even when i chose not to...
to make the words mine, to believe the concepts, thoughts, feelings, observations, ideas are mine at least for a moment before i send them out for anyone to read and claim as their own, that is a key to the vehicle...
and to know i am in a vehicle, to know/believe and prove i can move, for movement is the key to change and change is the key to finding another road, another emotion... this is a key to my relative stability and freedom and ultimate peace and happiness (whichever comes first)...
i wish i could give you the keys, the vehicle, the conceptual philosophy that keeps me from feeling the helplessness for too long, for that is the final straw, the helplessness, that fork in the road... every time i came to that fork, i chose the empowerment road because it is the only one that is real to me because i do not believe in helplessness (except in the bigger, douglas adams sense of being a passenger on a journey through the universe)...
today, i choose to relax and during this relaxation, i hope to choose to clean this place and do laundry and eat healthy and find the gym card and go to the gym and whatever i choose beyond that... for the moment, i just woke and came to the computer and turned on the tv... i am writing while enjoying glances at otters at play... and for the moment, i think i have a lot of otter personality in me...
marty stouffer has a cool job...
may you enjoy the physical rest and find the physical freedom you have to choose what to do at any given moment, though your choices may be limits in some ways, you can still enjoy the choices of the moments... this may seem beyond your reach, even walking around the area outside the door, but it is possible in the moment you believe and make it possible...
i will look for time to create more playlists, though to do it to my satisfaction, i do not have such time... a week off maybe in the merry merry month (may)...
do something you want to do today and may you find a smile :)
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