lonely energy

maybe it is the loneliness that rises after midnight that wakes me from the slumber that calls in the evenings but whatever it is, here we are again... wide awake at 4am listening to kelly clarkson and a few others try to relate to the feelings i feel and maybe even lift the spirit and energy (if only we were not so alone tonight, it would be easier to feel alright, if only someone was within line of sight, it would be easier to less less lonely... tonight) but the haunting comes around from the lost and found in the middle of the night like this one two three can you hear me? won't somebody tell me everything is alright (and make me believe i can wake up again yeah yeah yeah) all i ever wanted was to hold a hand of someone who could really understand me and never let me go because we wanted to share everything all the time everywhere...

believe?...

is that too much so ask, is that too hard a task, here we are again, wide awake at 4am, wanting something more, is anyone there, understanding me, really? who believes as i believe, who feels the way i feel, who will not let this world dictate what is right or wrong... can anyone be so far out there on the edge of reason?...

so much left unsaid... i hope to share it all before i'd dead... so much in my head... i hope to share it all before i'm dead...

and sigh into narf :)

stephshortstak

i am really liking watching her (wiki, tweet, face, instagram, pic, pic)... i may even find her character on satisfaction enlightening... reading from sense & sensibility, no less... while the men have sex with strangers, no less... interesting show... maybe what grabs me besides the eye candy is how her chanracter is presented as wiser than wise (brilliant) in one moment and foolishly gullible and so easily manipulatable (stupid) in the next... but there is more to this girl than meets the eye and i would love to explore all that lives behind those eyes... yes, in love again, even if it is just entry by entry... after all, to go beyond the moment we must be together sharing physical space where moments blend into each other and form a timeline, a yesterday, a today, and with hope, a tomorrow... that's life, if you have a clue...

meanwhile, i wonder if i will find the time to remenisce about kelly clarkson and the early years when i was enjoying the beginnings as this year brings the farewell season of american idol... i wonder if stephanie would...

narf :)

are you there?

are you watching me?... kelly clarkson may have written that song to whatever vision or concept of god she might have (or have had the night she wrote it), but i wonder if you can see and hear and feel what i see and hear and feel and more when i hear it and more more, are you there?... interesting..

such a simple question, really... and yet, so few can truly answer yes... be here now

and then, the facebook distraction... and they say trust me...
meanwhile...

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

really?

so where have i been, who wonders?

there is a lyric in there, somewhere, out there, over the rainbow, even... sky rocketing blood pressure prices have increased the pain in the neck and provided enough distraction from any form of clarity that all i can do is babble on into the night as sleep is warded off by pain, in case you didn't know, and all the wonder and excitement of dreams gone by can not put the eggman back together with the walrus, koo koo ka choo, gadzooks-heit mercy buckets and a happy new year... the preceeding nonsense was brought to you by 86% cacao and a ridiculous amount of fat and carbs, limited exercise, an aging body, and a medical profession (and any number of religions) that will kill you if you don't comply... remember that the next time you see your doctor... or your priest... meanwhile, the sci-fi channel is not working tonight, which sucks, because they have one of their terrible film festivals on... not to mention the laptop so full of dust it's not only overheating too easily, it smells like toasted marshmellows, only burnt... human hair burning, ya know?... minka kelly just showed me her left breast...

and then my laptop quite suddenly said google is not available... of course, brighthouse is down again... brighthouse sucks, by the way, in case you didn't know... after not using the laptop all evening and night i finally sit back with my feet up ready to type and then fall asleep and suddenly brighthouse is down again... they abuse the word friend...

and we were going so well...

narf :}

random music night

but taylor just the flip side of the same record by avril in many ways (and in so many ways i prefer the latter, especially musically and emo-facially, even though i could do without the whining)... i've always been a sucker for simple love songs, but between the two i'll still take kelly clarkson in many ways... and then there is this random girl (or her)... it is one way to pass a night... (words and beyond too, ya know?)...

you might have been looking for me since you were born
you'll never know unless you take off the mask you've always worn
i may be the one you've been falling in love with every night
we've lived in our dreams and now we can turn on the light

if you believe in me completely
and i believe in you completely
and we trust unconditionally
we can love indefinitely
is it time for you and me
to start our eternity?
all we need to do is believe
in our eternity
or something like that :)

cut myself shaving

it's the first time in many months and the first time ever that it was a bleeding cut that made me wish i had some of the stick stuff that stops bleeding... it stopped while i was driving to work, but there's a mark... a slice mark... i was rushing dry shaving and caught the trimmer side on an upswing... where's the zen patience and focus when i need it, huh?... well, not always there when i am pushing myself another day to get to work... alas, even the nimble fingers that manipulated the kelly clamps, smallest needles, and finest surgical thread so adeptly to sew so many facial lacerations closed so cleanly that there was no scar only weeks after the sutures were removed (sometimes less) can get clumsy when eyes are bleary and fatigue is heavy... i shall survive and be as pretty as i ever was (at least in the eyes of the beholders that see me as beautiful, right?)... anybody wanna kiss my boo boo?...

hey, a guy can dream, can't he?

narf :)

missing caffeine

starting the day with caffeine diminished my appetite and had me going twelve hours later not even realizing twelve hours went by and then after getting home another four hours of walking working washing and doing around the house stuff brought me to this (whatever that is) in spite of the fatigue of a one hundred hour week without pause (or poise microliners, for that matter) because cuteness like kelly ripa or deep sensuality like mila kunis or nonchalant adorability like meg ryan or milla jojovich or, well, this is not what i was saying but doing it feels better than sleeping so whatever is going on it is presenting these words to you even if you never find them or appreciate them if you do, amazing is in the eye of the beholder, like everything else...

sleep may be wise and even bring wisdom but sleep deprivation, like many other drugs, bring so many other possibilities... some people stop at the yellow, some choose a path less travelled, neither is right or wrong, both are as you want them to be...

the fruits of late night television are found on the craig show, in case you do not know...

narf :)

and the kids wait up

yeah, home again to find the kids, happiness and curious, waiting up for mom... it is a struggle for happiness, the poor old puppy... he wants to go to bed so bad, he walks into the bedroom then comes out and stands staring at me... then lays down... sometimes i lay down with him for a little while and he smiles... that's repeated every ten or fifteen minutes until he finally passes out after midnight on his bed in the living room... and curious curls up on the couch beside me wanting strokes and scratches and reassurances... all the while i am looking to put my hands on the keys to write the epic words that will save the universe from human madness or at least save humans from self-destruction... yeah, it's a thing...

the tv is boring and distracting, so i put on music... and i wish i could just cut and paste a playlist into a blog so i can share the music i just listened to and the mix i just put together, but i do not know remember how to do that and i do not feel like researching and learning how to do that now... i should be sleeping and i would rather be writing and listening and loving the words and music flowing through the air and me... the mix, or playlist, is called bipolar love... it is thirty songs from diverse artists, mostly soft and moody and somewhat ethereal and though it starts out in angst and maybe even agony, it ultimately find a positive perspective (i think) in sound and tone and message... wish i could share it with you and... wish you could tell me what you think... and feel...

Sail - AwolNation
He Got What He Wanted - Gavin Friday
The One - Meg and Dia
Irvine - Kelly Clarkson
Only In Your Head - Marketa Irglova (Swell Season)
She Never Cried - The Telling
Eyes Closed - The Narrative
Falling Slowly - Swell Season (Once)
Heaven's Too Far - Meg and Dia
The Sound of Silence - Simon & Garfunkel
Vincent - Don McLean
Frozen - Madonna
Glory Box - Portishead
Amygdala - Frost
All I Want is You - U2
I Need to Be in Love - The Carpenters
Wonderful - Stone Temple Pilots
Only For Love - Meg and Dia
Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
Flying Solo - The Telling
Wide Awake - Milla Jovovich
Beneath Your Beautiful - Labrinth
Be My Friend - Milla Jovovich
In a Little While - U2
Wake Me Up - Avicii
I Still haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2
Love is - Meg and Dia
Let Me Fall In Love - Marketa Irglova (Swell Season)
If You Can't Sleep - She & Him
Love Song - Meg and Dia

but i wish you could hear it... feel it and not just read the titles and artists...

sports rambling

yankees in boston in the bottom of the 11th inning with big papi up, and cano shuts a slammer down... two outs... will kelly become the new mario?... wait, kelly is gone, warren is in... and will boston keep their hold on first place as the rays continue their winning ways?... and will the yankees surge as the stars return?... and will jeter ever be jeter again?... deep fly ball to right, but caught just short of the warning track... seriously, warren, two hard hit balls for your first two batters... and now, full count, two outs, foul ball... napoli tries to end it with one swing... and he does... his second home run of the game and it is over... boston continues their winning ways... the fans go wild... the yankees lose a heartbreaker... and can i fall asleep now?...

meanwhile, romo has eight seasons and one playoff win and he's still touted as a star?... Mark Sanchez has won more playoff games (4)... tim tebow has won one playoff game... forty two other quarterbacks have won one playoff game... thirty other quarterbacks have won two playoff games... twenty two quarterbacks won three playoff games... nine have won four... twelve have won five... five have won six... one has won seven... four have won eight... six have won nine... nine quarterbacks have won ten or more playoff games... think about it... ninety eight (98) quarterbacks have won more playoff games than tony romo... tony romo has won one playoff game in his career... really?... yes really... why is he not laughed at as much as sanchez... or as Elvis Grbac, for that matter... they have won the same number of playoff games... elvis and tony... romo and grbac... household names... not as many playoff wins as sanchez...

and then there is the drugs in baseball... i've got to wonder if there is hypocrisy involved simply because drugs are everywhere in everything... our current culture is drug dependent... and it is generally pretty arbitrary which drugs are banned and which drugs are not banned... there are plenty of drugs that enhance performance that are legal, caffeine just being one... and pain killers and anti-inflammatories and so on...

sports off distractions sometimes welcome, sometimes just sadly human...

narf :)

sleepless where?

well, not seattle, though i wish meg would call, but that's another story... and while recently learning mila is reliving her teenage fantasies with ashton does leave me wondering who to dream about next, alas, what brought me here is katie, the show...

first, i must mention (because it's too obvious to me) that the talk shows focus on problems everybody is supposed to have because everybody wants to belong and imagining we share the same problems (or emotions, like hating a common enemy, but that's another mind manipulation to keep the masses in line) foster the illusion of belonging, i mean, have you ever watched talk shows (especially daytime shows)?...

so jackson taped an episode of katie (she has a cute smile, though i think kelly from the regis show is cuter overall but the daytime tv gives them the impression of having empty heads focused on first world problems, ya know?) about not being able to sleep and i see it as not being able to conform and creating anxiety out of nothing or next to nothing (again, first world problems) and since i don't conform unless i want to, i don't relate to the issues they say everybody shares... i sleep when i want to, am naturally nocturnal and enjoy that, and blog to release any frustrations or first world problems i create to amuse or distract or otherwise entertain myself until the one comes along...

perhaps you've noticed...

yes, the ultimate dream is still someday somebody will come along and actually understand me and my perspective and i might not need to blog as much as i do, but until then, i'll just continue babbling on about seemingly meaningless trivia and whatever gobblygoop that comes to mind (or passes before my senses) as if it is vital information and if it amuses you then wonderful and if it just amuses me, well, that's wonderful too...

imagine, aye? :)

musical afternoon

musical afternoon
yes, another musical afternoon and i'm loving every minute of it jerry (hanging out there too)... i believe this was friday afternoon, though it just might have been saturday afternoon, i mean, for the record and posterity and all... as if time matters... as if anyone reads all this, right?.. wait, of course you do, everyone does... and since you just cannot make it through your day without knowing just what is happening in every little detail of this ever so exciting hardly-anything-changes existence i've been living this year, i shall share the songs on this mix so far (and the order and even the certainty that every one of these songs will stay on this mix is not definite, so the finished mix might be different as contents do settle in shipping)... for the record and your further knowledge, (?) means the song might stay on in the mix, but might be moved to another location in the flow of the words and music... (??) means the song might not stay in the mix and might be moved if it does... (???) means why in the heck is this song here in the first place, but let's listen to the mix again cuz maybe there's a deeper reason... yeah, the science of making mixes is not exacting, but hey, is anything?...

Guster - Come Downstairs and say Hello
Karly Summers - Not Giving In
Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am
Avril Lavigne - Innocence
Meg & Dia - The Place Where I Feel Most Like Me
Andy Williams - The Impossible Dream
Billy Joel - Honesty
BeeGees - I Started A Joke
Sammy Davis Jr - I've Gotta Be Me (?)
Harry Chapin - Sounds Like America to Me
The Byrds - Turn! Turn! Turn! (?)
Neil Young - Don't Let It Bring You Down
Simon & Garfunkel - The Sounds of Silence
Kelly Clarkson - Irvine
Meg & Dia - Nineteen Stars (?)
Kelly Clarkson - Anytime
The Waterboys - Somebody Might Look Back
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Mandy Moore - Only Hope
Don McLean - Vincent
The Waterboys - Stolen Child
Guster w/Colorado Symphony - Come Downstairs and Say Hello
Don McLean - Castle in the Air (?)
The Beatles - Because

it is still a mix in progress, so don't go carving it in stone just yet... or do, and if it changes that'll be a different mix... yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.... so what else is new? :)

still working home

so many things, so much stuff, how do we know when we have enough?...

so anyway, jackson's bedroom is almost ready for her, the living room and dining room are almost clear, the kitchen is almost clean, the laundry is almost done, and my room is almost not a mess (we smile proudly at our accomplishment :)

vacuuming is gonna wait until we get back cuz it's a weeknight and i respect the neighbors... i sat down to rest a bit and wrote a bit and now i am wondering if i should sleep cuz i have to leave in less than four hours and have another half hour to hour to do and then shower and so maybe a two hour nap in a bit... gonna be very different around here when i next sit here typing... living alone is a lot different than living with a friend and a dog... for one thing, i'm gonna have to start wearing clothes again... and be more responsible... and be less lonely too :)

i miss the night... even night tv (though it is the night itself i miss most)... kelly ripa is on on extra... she knows how to be so cutesy adorable... reminds me of heather locklear before her implants, only more energy and cutsier... i miss girls too... which leads me to notice that the belly is bigger than usual tonight... feeling bloated, yet i didn't eat much today... wonder what is growing inside... hope it's not gas, that's awkward on a plane... i did add some old frozen broccoli to the stir fry shrimp and scallops i made tonight... craig is about to come on the tv... haven't seen him in months... i miss him too... am i starting to ramble?...

laughing is healthy, hope you do it often... nite nite :)

almost morning

and i really ought to get a bit of sleep before heading out to brunch at some friends... got some more laundry done as i was playing the computer spades and watched some random tv (one fun find was robert kelly on a random commedy channel show)...

and as usual, i hope your night was fun too :)

i missed it!

i can hardly believe my eyes, i missed it, yes, i mean pi day… i missed the opportunity to sing pi day songs with kelly carkson and all the wonderful people of the most insane bunch of loony tunes in Orlando, the extreme group (all of whom i love dearly in my own peculiar way, in fact i dedicate the latest jello clarkson {oh, oops, of course i mean kelly, even though she’s chubbed up just like me and we obvious need each other’s steamy wilde sex to trim down and be the true sex maniacs we are, you must know} song to the whole bunch of them, every one, but that’s besides the point, i mean, outside of this parenthetic aside, ya know), yes, the tragedy of missing out on pi day (i mean, even the british people know, so you know what that means) has even been acknowledge by congress, which means nothing to me, really, but emphasizes the importance of the celebration i missed to all those who respect congress, i suppose…

anyway, i feel fairly certain that this rather sudden shift in the equilibrium of (e)thereal will reset itself and stabilize and balance out (or is that the stock market and the economy?) and return to the mundane details of everyday life presented in brief succinct synopsis form much like a diary or almost twitterish, even… yes, the language is growing even as you doze… but seriously, it is all the rage and you missed it, or at least i did… but in memorandum, or memorial, or something like that, i give you pi the a million digits…

and there was a rumour going around that staying home on saturday nights could be dull and boring… pishaw, aye?... george bernard, even... oh, the punishing wit of the babbling fool will be missed by most minds who have not the brain cells (or time) to appreciate the subtle play of linguistic anomalies and coincidences… yes, we here at the hemingway school of writing science are dedicated to giving the deep south a bookish new intellectual literary reputation, pedantic, even... later, for breakfast, we might even serve up some homonym grits…

next year, in pi-thagorium (wherever that is), we celebrate together! :)