haunted ATT

this entry might have been entitled ATT sucks, but i give the meglo-powerful corporation a holiday break just cuz i'm nice that way... but the major corporations spend so much time, energy, and money in creating challenges for customers who want good customer service because good customer service can help customers save money and that costs the company money, so they use every trick in the book to discourage customers from questioning or calling, even...

insurance companies are maybe the best at it with their maze of automated recordings that send customers in loops of frustration that sometimes, perhaps often, lead to confusion or simply giving up on trying to get any help... blue cross makes it so challenging for hospitals to get help for patients on weekends that some hospitals turn away patients in borderline legal ways...

but tonight, it's ATT that sucks most as the internet service is pitiful once again, which means they directly lied repeatedly about installing new towers and improving service to this area, which is fraud and if i had the time and money, i'd sue them and win... but that's how the big blood-suckers get away with illegal business, customers do not have the time or the money to enter the legal arena with them...

another reason to move to a better place too... so?

so little time, so much fatigue

i've got a fridge full of food to cook, lots of veggies and all sorts of healthy stuff and the week went by too busy to cook... i've got piles of laundry to wash and dry and put away and the week went by... softball three times, dinner once, and still fit in shopping and at least one load of laundry... i've got a mess of stuff to clean up and put away and the week went by... weekends are softball sundays and invites most saturdays... and here i am just getting home from another on call saturday and there's a party about 45 minutes from here that i am too tired to motivate myself to get to... so home, vege, rest, and maybe next week i'll find time to cook the food before it spoils and do the laundry and put away clothes and sort through the crap filling this space and pack and what?... look for an apartment so i can finally move out of here and move into a place i want to call home?... yeah, that would be good...

so tired, too tired to even feel lonely...

how are you? :}

if i just see the connections

or is it... if i just make the connections... am i asking?... am i asking now?...

everything in this world is so skewed by human judgments, by preconceptions of right and wrong, how can anyone have a clearly objective perspective or understanding of anything?...

yeah, another all night long

while a local congress person (who was my congress person until i moved last year and now she is by a few streets) rocks the boat and might give some the impression of mental instability (or is it just bold unabashed shoot-from-the-hip candor?) which would not be surprising given the mentality of the local area, but then, ain't that america (cha cha cha)... yeah, that's why i do it, i mean, that's why i babble on ridiculously leaving you wondering if i have lost my mind or maybe i'm just a an irresponsible jerk or immature goofball or something like that because i want madness on my resume when i run for office... gonna vote for me?...

well, anyway, as i pack away a package of keebler fudge sticks (yes, the whole package) and half a pound of nuts (cashews and pistachios) and the government pours another few billion dollars into the richest pockets in america (the top five of the fortune 500 companies seem to be getting our tax dollars more than anyone... where's our bailout?... is this the fiddling while the country burns?... what's the real, tell me what's a happening), i'll be heading out to work soon cuz i am just responsible like that...

are we having fun yet? :}

life is busy

working extra hours regularly and on call three of the four weekends this month, but just as busy away from work as softball monday nights, tuesday nights, thursday nights, and sundays fills the calendar (linked on the right there, in case you want to know and forgot) and then some game nights and tonight, dinner with the pink pussies of facebook (hey, it's a dining club friends have put together, look it up, tell them bugs sent you... you know, the internet is a weird place so we all adapt online to have fun with the cyber delusions)...

it was lobster night at the ale house so we met and manged and managed to have much fun... and then coming home i stop for some chocolate and find a favorite cookie on sale (but two packages and get one free) so i did and now there's chocolate in the house (and nuts, did i mention nuts?) and the slacker slips a bit further back into the piggy habits and nearer to the 190 limit i thought i set for myself weeks ago when i was teasing the 180 mark (weight talk, ya know)...

tomorrow i'll be at work super early to prepare for the quality council and then have a web meeting in the afternoon and then softball in the evening and dinner if i can get to it with some friends and then friday it's halloween at work and i'll be in super early decorating the back office area which turns into a haunted hallway for the kids and by friday afternoon i'll be a zombie and will i sleep?... that's doubtful on a friday night, but at least there's nothing planned, i think...

so am i alone in life because nobody wants to keep up with me or because i'm moving too fast from fun to work to fun to actually pause and meet someone and nobody wants to meet on the run or is it just my love of garlic?...

sense of humor, gotta have one... hope you do too :)

yeah, so anyway

i went looking at netbooks at best buy and found them overpriced, but it's just good old fashioned american greed... or perhaps it's better identified as simply human greed since americans don't have a monopoly on caring more about money than people or anything else, just cuz there's more success at material wealth here than in most other places in the world doesn't mean most any human wouldn't take advantage if they had the chance...

the real, aye?...

yeah, so anyway, i'll ponder buying a netbook online cuz the deals are cheaper than at the store and might look at a cheap laptop cuz for the extra pound or two, there's more memory and a faster processor most of the time... netbooks are the new toy, so it's price is premium, especially with XP and i don't trust microsoft enough to want to buy windows 7 on a 1GM machine... still, i might gamble just cuz i can and want a lighter bedroom and travel laptop...

is that greed too?...

yeah, so anyway, the writing bug is biting again (just look around, if you know where to look and if you don't, keep your eyes peeled for a link or few dozen here or ehere when you least expect it... if you care to know, that is... and if not, no worries, enjoy life without the sparkling wit, ridiculous self-mockery, serious irreverence, and assorted other metaphoric madness that comes forth when the babbler is motivated) and i need more flexibility, which means a lighter machine with more battery life...

abd how are you?...

microsoft sucks, still

or is that microsoft still sucks... yeah, both, cuz the vista operating system was yet another deliberate rip-off inferior faulty product like windows me and every first release of every miscrosoft product since bill gates took his first piss on the computer user and fool that i am i bought one just a month or so before the windows 7 is free date so i am stuff with a crappy microsoft product unless i want to bend over and pay more money to microsoft for another screw job...

but i still love you :)

life is like 200 motels

or was that 200 blogs?...

softball in about seven six hours, so maybe i'll get four hours sleep, sweet four hours, but if there was only 42 hours in a day i might get eight hours a day, maybe, and feel more refreshed and all..

maybe it's time to buy the netbook so i can tap the keys in more places, especially in bed...

wherever i might lay my head...

remembered Cats

going in to the theatre i was trying to remember what Cats was about cuz it's been a long time since it first opened on Broadway and that's when i first saw it cuz once upon a time i saw every big show (and lots of smaller shows) on and off-Broadway the year they came out (and a few opening nights too, which can be so much more exciting than any other spectator theatre experience short of more involvement like afterparties and such and i remember some of those well) and i am missing the theatre experience a whole lot all of a sudden...

what's going on in your life?... and in you?

cuz there's a day

and a night, of course, cuz they do usually go together, but cuz there's a day in here somewhere, here is another entry...

i am burnt, physically and mentally, though emotionally and spiritually i am just tired due to the overall lack of sense and depth and self-sufficiency in humans in this world which keeps the ethereal (emotional and spiritual, and psychic and intangibles, for that matter) flowing outward as i am a positive in a very negative world, but physically and mentally i am burnt as i am months behind on sleep and years behind on meditative focus to the point that my eyes do not remember (or is that my mind first) a time of pure clarity where the sleepy moisture does no cloud focus (and the eye-aging is real as well, but physical and mental fatigue makes it impossible to tell the difference for the moment and every moment i can remember for months, at least)...

but cuz there's a day, i return here to record the words that present the experience that happened on this day so i can remember if i ever find time to read back and so we can share it, in mean, just in case you wanted to know...

cuz there's a day,
i say YAY! :)

i hope your day was fantastic, and night even better :)

ridiculously still awake

is it live?... ironically, i just downloaded almost 200mb of microsoft live software and i have no intention of using any of it at the moment, but the impulse to download almosy 200mb at crappy att air card dial up speeds just overwhelmed me, or something like that...

as usual, i fell asleep around 7:48pm and woke slightly later, around about 8:03pm, and still awake, ridiculously, i ponder navels and the stupidity of arrogance and fear, the basic tenets of human nature at this point of development of the species, and how and why and where and when and such...

what?...

swine

or so i am told... while i am thinking that i am exhausted and feeling achy and slightly sniffly and crampy and so on just cuz i have not had a day off in three weeks and not had a vacation in years and hardly slept this week and play softball four times a week and haven't eaten optimally in a week or two and the ic nurse tells me that i admitted a girl with h1v1 on sunday...

isn't that special? :)

PS... happy birthdy pj :)

ooops, you missed it again

just when you thought i was gone, or as a future entry will announce, dead, i reappear as if i was never missing a step, a moment, a breath of babbling life because, deep inside, you know i never did and that, my dear loving readers, is why you return... and why i love you for it...

pity you missed it again, aye?...

naaa naaa naa naa naaaaa (nyuk nyuk)

narf :)

just cuz i want to

share, that is... that's why i want to put words on the web every day in any way i can and in spite of the manic business and fullness of life these days where i hardly have a moment and rarely have a day to just sit and relax for more than a moment (or even a moment) no less sit back and ponder with the laptop on my lap (and it's been years since i had a comfortable chair and desktop set up, no less the big bed with the laptop laying prone as i used to write by hand for so many years) but i steal a moment or few randomly out of days rushing by filled with work, softball, and the weekly social activity like game nights or shows or concerts (rarer are dinners out this year as i've consciously avoided food sharing in order to drop weight, which takes a bit of time, and reset the set weight in the brain, which can take much longer) so i can record a few thoughts that keep me in touch with myself and the hope that somehow, some way, someday, somewhere, we will share again...

just cuz i want to, ya know...

sleep me, somebody sleep me already

yes, so past tired i don't know which end is up... and still, loving almost every minute of it, even without jerry...

sleep, sleep... oh, dear sleep, how i miss you... almost as much and love...

reaching the edge of the night

again?...

is there anybody out there who is not delusional?...

i wish...

this day was

no really, it was...

more than once, even...

and someday...

it may be again...

is verison really better?

or is it just more communist propaganda?... they do use the red to map their coverage area, after all... just like the republicans... dang reds...

meanwhile, back in the real (wait, does this e=the=real have a new catch phrase?... e-the-real?... whatever, get to the real, right?... i mean, that is why you waited in line to get in, right?)...

yeah, so anyway, the madness is calling again and it is time to decide between life and death once again and therein therefore and five or more twice again, there is longing (of the mostly dead?... well, maybe another night, aye?) for more, that everlasting effervescent eternally infinite more, ya know?... yes, the sweet innocence of youngful ignorance exposing exhuberant sensitivity wrapped around you like a, well, like something you can imagine as you wish...

feeling alone
so many years on my own
never a family
chosing to stay with me
feeling alone
must be a dog without a bone
living a fantasy
where anything can be
alone
always alone
anything can be when there's no we
always alone

awwwww, did a tear fall from the sky and wash the soap out of your eye?... how many people leave without saying goodbye? (not i, aye?... what's that you say?... how i love to play... you'll see someday)...

thereal really is deteriorating, isn't it?...

and where were you?

narf :}

pda

that's pretty dam amazing, whatever you might have thought... cuz there ain't no maybe to the amazed i feel when i come here beliving you are out there waiting for more of the real from me cuz beliving you care is my ultimate fantasy...

and that's e-the-real as it gets...

i left the light on

or is that a candle in the window... wind?... oh... right here waiting?... always?... naturally?... of course you fools, the huge chocolate pill should have given it away... it never lies, you know, not the huge chocolate pill... yes, you can say it again, the huge chocolate pill never lies...

meanwhile, back in the real, another rough non-stop week of work and softball with saturday night game nights all over town and wait, a full day in the park saturday just on the horizon and the only way out is a complete collapse (or at least a partial folding)... it's all god's fault, of course...

what?... ethereal losing touch?... fading into the oblivion of brief babbling mania (senseless, no doubt)... while letterman's in reruns trying to save his marriage and (or was it just a mirage) and we can enjoy a rare live performance by paul mccartney, though it's live on tape now, isn't it?... and we celebrate the latest harry potter movie that came and went so fast (where was i?) that i only remember seing it once on the giant i-max screen and i wonder if letterman thinks he's more clever than he is or if his self-mockery is genuine... perhaps his longevity is cured in the fact that it is not easy to tell...

anyway, i wonder sometimes if anybody is reading all this crap, anyway...

or all the other crap, for that matter...

what crap? :)

nonsense and such

schools closing in pakistan... border police abusing civilians in israel... is real?... rednecks gulping beer believing they are better than you because they can beat you up, or at least pretending cuz they are too weak to face and stupid to deal with and overcome their fear and insecurity...

what?...

yeah, the world goes round and round and only the pretty survive...

whatever happened to the meek?

bloated up again

though perhaps bloated down would be more accurate... tonight ought to be the wall, the turn around moment, for i've puffed up to discomfort once again for the first time in weeks... months, even... so reaffirmation of the benefits of dropping the weight and so on... and renewed resolve to forego the momentary bliss of overindulging taste buds and enjoy the long term effects of less bloat and lower blood pressures and the healthy feeling/experience...

but sleep... when will i make the time to sleep again?... this weekend i passed on two parties and a softball practice because i was on call and there were five admissions that meant more than ten hours at the hospital and i was already running on caffeine the last few days of the week... first time i used caffeine in weeks as well... definitely reaching a physical breaking point... perhaps the lack of contact with myself here (in writing) has much to do with the pattern... fool, make time for self or die standing (or falling suddenly)...

otherwise, all is well :}

so what happened?

i mean, to the pattern of waking and dropping a few words here and then stopping by for a few more words at random moments during the day and then stopping by immediately after work and then again as the evening progressed and finally just before bed and sometimes in between naps...

yes, that was a question...

overwhelmed by work?... depressed?... letting the unfulfilled desire for responses blind me to the desire to continue my part of the sharing i live for?... what if the one who wanted to share as i do showed up during the dead time when i was away and seeming like everyone else who does not share as we want to?... oh dear, not again... we just seem to keep missing each other, don't we?...

well, i don't know if i am back, but i am here now, or was then when these words were written and uploaded and i hope you find me cuz i know you're out there somewhere wanting the same kind of sharing i want... someday, aye? :}

not just every day

but many times a day... that was the pattern here until whenever it stopped and now, the babbler sneaks in to fill the gaps and infect this space with the irreverent humours of the depths of distractions that maintain vigil within the brain between my eays and somehow, keep me balanced like some sick gyroscope that taunts but never fails to keep me going...

at least until the body dies, aye?...

somehow lost my way

if i ever had one... yeah, narf, giggle, and all that cartoony jazz... but in the real, i have wandered off into a foggy out-of-touchness that can only be described as a foggy out-of-touchness, or, in other words, an elsewhere less fun than most... it is mostly because i am so busy at work that i do not have time to think about much else and there's so much more important stuff in my head than work and even if there wasn't wall work and no play kills...

i don't want to die just yet, so i must remember stuff like celebrating john lennon's birthday and other more closer to my own real life stuff like how long have i been sleeping alone and how long has it been since i kissed someone and how long has it been since i simply took a week or a few days or even a day off just to relax and enjoy life and time without a clock or a thought about what must be done right now or in a few hours...

i need a few mental health day... or a few dozen, even...

sleepless madness

because I don't want to miss a thing, not even in my own mind, all by myself, even when I don't wanna be, I enjoy the experience of being so much that I find the bleariest awakeness preferable to the bliss of clarity that comes from a full restful regular sleep cycle...

so though the best laid plans, intentions, and wisdom would lead me to sleep long tonight (that was the plan, man), but the madness kept me awake and the fool did not do laundry, see... I sat down here telling myself I would let myself fall asleep even though I desperately need to do laundry and instead, I read and wrote and dreamed and here we are, hours and hour later, still awake... with dirty laundry...

blame it on craig... but I still love you :)

truth

but i never really leave...

because i miss you

still i don't sleep

as even fat-free vanilla yogurt becomes the base for my new ice cream and all sorts of healthier tastes substitute for the fat-sugar fat-carb and fat-fat foods i used to so adore but hardly miss anymore, i still don't sleep...

and even as i play softball four times a week, three evenings getting home too late to watch any prime time tv so i wait up for craig ferguson because he amuses me with his irreverent absurdity and sophmoric shtick, i still don't sleep...

and even as i rarely do an all-nighter these days because i play the corporate professional game of relatively 24/7 responsibility as i did once upon a time so many times ago in another life before i lost it all and was set adrift somewhere left of nowhere and the years demand more rest from this body, i still don't sleep...

and even as i so rarely browse the internet or check emails or, gasp, write even, (even?... oh, even) for reasons ignored or unknown or both or simply not created yet, i still don't sleep...

but the world inside my head awaits, still, so... i don't sleep...

because I miss you... i still don't sleep.

because the world did not end

i go on within you and without you

stevie wonder sang a beautiful love song
sargeant pepper lead the band away
john and george and paul and ringo are still going strong
still skeeter davis sang of yesterday
but i said something wrong that i still cannot say
stolen moments chords and words not left behind
and only pretending to be lost, say a prayer
before you step into my mind

do you remember when the music played?
do you remember how the words made you feel?
do you remember how fluid the rhymes flowed from my fevered brow
does anything i do feel half as real right now?

it's still the same old story
the song is still the same
the road goes on forever
welcome back my friends
the end is just one more illusion
feeding fear and hopelessness
will you share just one more moment
of peace, love, and happiness?

i was a harry chapin fan
i loved john lennon too
and so much more that we could share
because i still love you
and because your heart is true
i know somewhere, somehow, sometimes
you still love me too
oh oh ooooo
i'll always love you

some promises are permanent, for better or worse...

waiting for the one to join me in the never-ending verse

hopefully before either one of us end up in a hearse...

nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, narf
chuckl, chuckl, chuck-a-barf
nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, narf
no more hunger or thirst
but first...

I went somewhere else to start again

to start again
to start again
to start again

to start again
to start again
to start again

to start again
to start again
to start again

to start again
to start again
to start again

to start again
to start again
to start again

and the voice in the wild (is it fear or the quest for truth or some higher power or the challenge of love or the dare of freedom or the curiosity of the child or the cat or the moon) asks how many times must a man walk down or must a writer start a blogging space anew... and why, maybe the real question (what maybe, understate me will you not to distract us from the point, after all), why i start again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again (what?) again...

but who's asking, really?

so, seriously

i was born already gone (like eagles) and moving farther on (did you know jackson brown uses more than a dozen different guitars in his one man concerts and he has no planned set-list so he never knows which guitar he's gonna use next cuz they are all tuned and specialized to specific songs?) but enough about me, there are too many tracks in my mind to focus on any one trail without blowing in the wind and who really wants the answer after all, so i spread my genius so very thin that it's transparent and therefore, invisible to the human mind...

here, there, and everywhere (and before we ask if was marianne was really faithful, let's ask ourselves, even if it was any of our business, would it have mattered... john and paul gave their all and we were blessed again and again, here, there, and everywhere)...

and here, here, and here (cuz meg and dia point to your heart and mind and ear so well, even if you never feel or think or listen, but there's always hope) too...

really i'm not

back, that is... i may (probably, if i am successful in finding a bit more balance in my psyche and living life in thereal in real time and all that jazzification) return semi-regularly to slip an entry or few dozen in to catch up (or ketchup) and perhaps that will, as it has been known to do, lead to more babbling and madness or something like that, but somewhere in the babble the essence of thereal and stuff of life should somehow show through if you care enough to read the very best, or see, even...

you could always ask, just once, even...

i told you i wasn't

i wouldn't lie :)