figures

cell service has sucked today... and wouldn't you know, i decided to explore the computer a bit more and discovered that i can send ext messages from the computer to the cell phone and vice versa... so i dug deeper and found i can check my usage and stuff and then...

the att communication manager froze...

here we go again... a few weeks ago when i updated to windows vista sp2, the att connection stopped working and i spent two hours on the phone to get it fixed and it turned out i needed to uploade an update to be compatible with windows vista sp2 that microsoft nor att naturally did not tell me about... and today, the manager locked up again...

turns out the tech support person, after an hour and a download and following the instructions posted on their website, admitted that there is a known issue with windows vista compatibility even with the latest att software and so the feature manager won't work, but i can still connect to the internet as long as i don't use the features... so why use the att software when it is not compatible with windows?...

because using the windows software is feeding the monster, the microsoft monopoly created by subtrifuge of most every other software through incompatibility issues... heck, even other microsoft software has issues... heck, even the operating system itself has issues, maybe more than all the other software's issues combined... crap makes crap... incompatible crap craps incompatibly... or something like that :)

i'm more frustrated and tired of microsoft crap and suckage than it may seem, but after wasting another two hours on the phone with att suckage, and crap, it's time to rush into the shower and head out to jackson's party... happy new year everybody :)

it's good to be king

well, ok, so it's good to be in a relatively autonomous job where i can adjust my hours most of the time, especially when the cat is away, as in my boss being on vacation this week... so i told everybody to leave at 12 knowing they would probably stay later cuz they are consciencious and get work done on time most of the time and they were still conscienciously working away when i left at about 2... such good professionals, mostly :)

so anyway, here i am after shopping for the party at jackson's tonight and what to do... nap and shower, that's the wise move... unfortunately, i woke up after the tea this morning and am pretty much awake for the duration...

maybe i'll play on the computer a while (how novel, aye?)...

too much sleep is not enough

twelve hours sleep... and i wake blurry as can be, puffy eyes, out of focus, full of mucous, gonna drink caffiene (hot tea) as soon as i get to work for the first time in months... i woke several times during the night cuz i seldom sleep more than four hours without waking cuz i sleep in four hour cycles and i rise back to the semi-conscious level of sleep every four hours... always been that way... if i wake during a rem phase, i am a blurry zombie even if i slept twelve hours (oh, that's what happened, aye?)... thing is, by this evening i'll be waking and tonight i'll be up all night cuz i got twelve hours sleep... the strange rem sleep cycle of this brain-body baffles scientists, but it works for me...

it just doesn't for for this life where work is expected five days a week and there are only twenty four hours in a day... yes, i said what i said and i meant what i said, an elephant's faithful, or forgetful, or something like that...

oh well, off to work i go, hi ho...

eve-n now

if may be new years eve for most of the world, but it is a bittersweet memory for me for oh so many reasons that i will not get into at the moment cuz the mood is not here and the time is not here and i am not here, but still, somewhere deep down buried by time and confusion and way too many scars, there is something magical...

happy birthday mel

blurrry

worked and home again, and wasting my time... something froze and i had to reboot the laptop and i had set it to check the disk on the next reboot, but should checkdisk take three hours?... so i nodded off and all the amazing things in my head dissolved into dreams i don't remember... alas, what a waste...

and more than 250,000 files?... talk about technological bloat, more than 250,000 files?... what the heck for?... i put ms office and two other programs, an security program and a game program on this laptop since i bought it... the laptop came with so much bloat, so many extra programs... it can take ten minutes to shut down and re-start and three hours to checkdisk?... how long will a defrag take, or will it hang and never actually finish like xp used to do...

hours wasted waiting for the computer to check itself and fix itself and what a waste...

vista is the worst os yet...

working today

yup, in just a few hours i'll be trying to stay awake at the computer and trying to concentrate on whatever work i decide to do today and while i've got nobody standing over me telling me what to do and pretty much complete autonomy over my daily activities and workload, there's still a lot of information to process and provide to a lot of others and skipping all these days it going to make january an insane month for putting it all together...

yet sleep does not call me at night as often as it calls me during the day... the quiet darkness of night calls me to explore and wrute and listen and sing and let my imagination dance... i remember when the night called fo making love as well, but people seem to get less and less nocturnal as they age... conformity destroys so much potential and wonder... still, i continue hoping for the magical balance of sharing to return and until then, i enjoy it all by myself...

hope your day sparkles :)

well that was exciting

and will be quite painful in the morning... and probably the most powerful sign and message that it is time to re-negotiate my lifestyle and habits with myself quite immediately, though it may not be done as immediately as it ought to be... see, in my rush to get the laundry out of the dryer so the next load can get into the dryer so it wouldn't wrinkle more than it already had in the time it sat waiting for me to remember i was doing laundry (finally) so i could make it to the tv in time to see the opening of craig's show (cuz it's vital to the continued peace on earth and good will toward men and women too that i actually witness the opening of craig's show, even though it may be ridiculously pointless to risk life and limb to get in front of the tv when the show is a rerun, but that's besides the point), i slipped on a dryer sheet that i neglect to pick up regularly out of sheer laziness and perhaps some sort of depression or at least apathy and ambivalence on some level (and pondering the possibility of actually breaking a hip and laying naked and motionless in agonizing pain for days until someone came over cuz i didn't show up for work for a week and someone finally decided to call the police to check on me or something and sadder still that if might taken longer due to the holidays, not to mention the awkwardness there would inevitably be due to the nudity) and fell quite profoundly hard to the floor...

really quite profoundly hard...

seriously, ouch...

hard floor too, being a fake tile substance in the kitchen... i don't think i broke anything, though i have a very high tolerance for pain and the three specific areas of concern that struck the floor quite severely may just be too numb to determine the actual extent of the injury with great accuracy, but hoping nothing was borken i must reflect that it is a combination of luck, seriously strong bones, and amazing reflexes that surprised me as i landed on my right firearm/elnow flat enough to the power of the blow was distributed along the entire forearm and therein hopefully did not strike with enough force to break anything and thn there's the right knee, which has been taking a beating this past year in softball and did not need to be part of this exciting event, but i am still thinking nothing is broken, however i am probably quite accurate in assessing that this will be quite painful in the morning...

yes, there is a modicum of swelling and discoloration already, being the slippage occurred only ten minutes ago, so i would advise myself to put ice on it if i was going to take my advise... holding ice to three different places is such a chore though, aye?... hurt less and heal faster if i keep the swelling down, sure sure, but there is work in the morning and i really ought to get the laumdry done so i can get some sleep..

where's my nurse, anyway?...

alas, alone sucks sometimes...

so anyway, i hope your night was just as exciting, though a whole lot less painful :)

life and death and friends

well, i slept lightly, but longer than usual as i did not get out of bed until a little while ago and i decided it was time to take jackson to dinner to one of her favorite places cuz she let the vet put her cat to sleep yesterday cuz a fourth surgery in the last few years was probably not going to help enough and it was time... so i'm heading out to remind my friend that while death is sad (not the part she needs reminding about at the moment, aye?), it is also the time when true friends come around to actualize the fact that life continues...

i'll be back later and may actually get something done around here before i head back to work in the morning (five days off and nothing done around the place, lazy dummy... but the relaxing was great... would have been better if i slept more and deeper, but anyway, life does continue)...

may you find your way to remember that too...

oooo, look at all the dark clouds up there

yes, because i am under the weather, you see... i decided to spend the evening adding cds to my laptop hard drive cuz i have hundreds more cds than are currently on this hard drive cuz i most of the cds were on the old laptop that died and the mybook hard drive that i have not hooked up to this laptop, ever, yet, so there is a serious need for more music on this laptop and that's what i've chosen to do tonight while i sit here waiting for the weather to pass overhead...

and some crap tv in the background...

how are you? :)

under the weather

wherever did that phrase (title) come from?... wherever it came from, i may be there... headache and overall queasy kind of feeling that did not simply disappear with ibuprophen and now, a major increase in tinitus volume in the left ear, a sign of rising blood pressure and other chemical imbalances for whatever reason (paging dr. house)... chocolate or caffeine overdose or withdrawal?... something i ate?... flu bug?... whatever the cause, the body is not feeling very good tonight...

hope you are feeling better...

all through the nights

yes, the real is quite full of emo tonight... and to think, i almost slept through it, but something woke me and the sleep went away and i found magic and the timing could not have been better as i am off tomorrow so the night calls and i answer... and the words flow... and the only things that could make the night better is a return to optimal physical balance and to share it all with the one...

all through the nights, the dream survives...

and that's the realest of them all :)

memories

the sound of music flashes on before my eyes (cuz my fingers press the remote, it's not magic) and the flash-backs to some of the most wonderful sharings of this life fill my head with misty memories (and my eyes with warm fuzzies)... this is when i miss sharing intimacy most, when i feel the wonderful emo that lives in memories cuz as much as life is a celebration for me every moment, the intensity of sharing intimacy does increase the visceral experience exponentially... the best thing about this moment, besides the feelings, is the fact that i can still feel them even after all this time (after all these years, too :)

do it again?... wouldn't it be nice...

back to relaxing

although i have several hours (at least) of cleaning and laundry and packing to do, definitely more than several hours, i am relaxing and sitting here with a bit of a tv conundrum (cuz the sponteneity of tv programming ads a variation and surprise, yeah, dullness of a life alone sometimes is most evident in front of the tv)... star trek generations is on opposite the sound of music and of course, football... i lean toward football cuz it's the least distracting and i can do other stuff (chores, browse the web, listen to music, write, etc)... but the hills are alive!...

are we having fun yet? :)

softball returns

cuz practice makes better, or so the theory goes... but the frustrating thing for the sunday team (yes, the league championship sunday team) is too many players on the team do not take practice seriously and we do poorly and they reinforce bad habits and better doesn't happen nearly as well as it could and should in practice... frustrating and a waste of my time, but i support the coach's intentions...

the hamstring is feeling much better, but i am not running more than a trot until the tournament (three weeks)... and how is your day? :)

web knowledge

been all over the place, watching videos, reading heavy stuff, laughing at nonsense and irreverence, sighing deeply at tragedy and cruelty and human stupidity, and generally enjoying my brain a whole lot... some of the journey is even linked around in my increasingly daily diverse dribbling diatribes around the web... ya see?...

that's my e-the-real, how's yours? :)

being on-call

well, another child arrives and it is time to head into work... after a shower... so i do head out before tomorrow, but not for the social fun... and while i am gone, you can watch some stuff viewed today about the work i do

really?

well, the intention was to sleep until i woke naturally, but the phone rang a half dozen times already this morning and hile i rolled over and ignored most (after glancing at the phone for the number), the last one was work and as i am on-call this weekend, and i almost did not have to go in, but i will go in later as the admissions to the children's psychiatric hospitals do not take a break for xmas this year... the nurse was going to do the assessment for me, but a few issues popped up and she probably won't have time, but it was sweet of her to offer and give it a try...

so awake and will head to work later, but for now, continued vegging is all that i intend to do... dear friends will be watching it's a wonderful life and then wandering the city of celebration, florida to see the festivities and lights and stuff (they have snow) and then playing games and having fun and i am contemplating heading down there (at least forty minutes away), but for the moment, no intentions beyond vegging...

it is a wonderful life :)

waking

sleeping until i wake inside... i do not recall the last time that happened... and this absence of this experience is the single most unhealthy thing i do to this body... yet, when working a corporate desk job, there is little alternative...

so i will enjoy today and endeavor to continue this pattern another day this weekend cuz, after all, it's a gift from santa...

hope you enjoy your gifts as much as i enjoy mine :)

and so john lennon sings...

yes, the xmas song... but war is still not over, alas... and still i can indulge my private party in my seclusion with illusions without delusions, if you follow the drift (no snow, radio)... listening to my playlist, play1, in case you wanted the detail (you'll have to work on motivating me to type out all the titles though since i don't have the system hooked up to print the titles and artists into a blog post or file or whatever)... it starts off with meg & dia singing going away followed by bright eyes singing i must belong somewhere continuing with demi lovato singing the middle followed by rilo kiley's instrumental science vs romance... one of the tentative names for this playlist is the fifth song, flying solo by the telling (which is followed by jackson browne's before the deluge and if that doesn't mean anything to you, well, never mind)...

anyway, i like it i like it i like it... and hope you're having fun too :)

my xmas present to myself is...

staying home alone... not with the movies this year, cuz i don't have a dvd player at the moment and don't have enough vcr tapes to hook up the vcr and mostly just cuz i am too lazy and uninterested in vegging into watching the toob lately (been more than a year now, actually, as i didn't even plug the tv in until i was living here more than eight months and now turn it on mostly out of habit to hear voices when i'm home and not listening to music as if the voices on the tv make me less alone... talk about delusional thinking, aye?... but then, it is the human way, especially during the holiday season, nyuk nyuk narf)...

yes, so i have every intention of parking this body in the big green chair with some tv, maybe, and some music, definitely, and some internet and writing and games and cookies and chocolate milk and whateber other goodies i find... and then, sleep in heavenly peace, yeah... this bit of self-indulgence is gonna be sweet :)

home early like everybody else

cuz it's the night before xmas and all through the xian world, people are faking holiday cheer in order to leave work early and fit in with the crowd... i prefer my xmas in movies where the illusion is more real (nobody said bah humbug, gigglepuss, just marking time with my own kind of smile :)

whatever you are doing, may it be your choice and with much merriment and lots of happy happy joy joy :)

continues

more videos popping up, tuning in, turning on, tapping out... yes, the video, or blogs, are growing, though they are not me making vlogs, they are me collecting videos from you tube and other sources and putting them in my web world just cuz i can and want to... look around, you'll see :)

the game's afoot :)

who needs sleep?

yeah, just in case someone local sumbles into this madness, i do wanna see movies, but time marches on and yes, (yeah too), i am still awake as if craig ferguson could not put on his show unless i showed up to watch... and then there are all the delicious snacks...

so much to share...

wanna see movies

Nine
Avatar
Sherlock Holmes
Disney's A Christmas Carol
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
Precious (Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire)
Where the Wild Things Are
The Fourth Kind
Old Dogs
The Box
Amelia
2012

actually, i saw avatar already, but i'll see it again, especially on the full i-max 3-d cuz the universal studios is not the biggest one in the area so, it stays on the list... there are others i would see if you wanted to see others, but these are the ones i choose for the moment... wanna see movies?...

is it boredom?

nope.

(at least not for me :)

still awake again

yes, i fell asleep just after eating, missing the 8pm tv show i so long for each day (can sarcasm get too syrupy?) and waking somewhere in the 9pm hour and turning the internet on again (in so many ways, aye?)...

enough, let's check mail...

another late work day

it never has to end, the work day, and i must remember that as i start expanding a spreadsheet database late in the afternoon because the hours pass quickly when waiting for crap ms software (excel 2007 freezes so often it's sick, and i don't mean a good sick) and wanting to finish the next stage of the build... anyway, home again...

eat, sleep, wisdom may previal tonight :)

awake another day

wanting more sleep, but four hours and up and out the door to work again... the craving to share wakes me from green chair slumbers these days more often and the bed does not hold my attention for long...

so hi ho, hi ho...

cuz there's so much more to say

no matter how tired i get, no matter how apathetic or depressed, ambivalent or frustrated, there is always activity in the synapses, always creativity in the pauses, always more to say… someday I hope someone will understand and reach the same place, with or without me… somewhere, some time, some way…

with me would be nice too :)

not again

napped for two hours after home made pizza and the brain was running laps as i laid the body down in bed, so after realizing the words had to flow cuz the brain got enough sleep (two hours, the body says, the brain is insane... poor body) and here we are after babbling elsewhere for a while...

no tv, so maybe i'll pass out again soon... hope you are enjoying your brain... and life :)

home again

the place is a wreck, piles of laundry, boxes half packed/unpacked, and just way too much stuff i do not use sitting around gathering dust... the habits must change, which is probably the best reason for me to enter into another roommate situation...

we should know by the end of this week, i think... in the mean time, i should try to get some sleep tonight... and start eating less sugar, fat, and party food... so get on that, right... uh-huh...

don't go figure

i mean, yeah, still awake... absorbed by the internet video revolution and all that, some of which you can find here or here even more, here...

and so many other places to wander through the night...

wired crossing

the party continues today as the food was good and the leftovers were even better after i got home and the madness that would have been exploded here somehow popped over to the bullsugar perhaps because i hope it's not as real as it might be or perhaps because i enjoy the pretense of confusion and mazeology, or something like that...

yeah, anyway, this babbling may be meaningless in the end, even the breif serious attempts to keep in touch, but if just one person believes, then the faries do not die...

i mean, hope your day was fun too... and get some rest :)

pppppp party

and it continues, manic, madness, marvelous fun... eyes burning sleep walking (and driving wired on adrenaline and the cool night air) home again, home again, but what of the sleep?... two hours, almost, this morning and jackson wakes me to shop for apartments and we visit a half dozen or more, ashton, fountains, tortuga bay, traditions, alafaya woods, grandville, arden, river park, have i left any out?... and it appears that traditions is leading the pack with river park a possible second... more to come, perhaps, or perhaps not... jackson will calculate numbers and we shall make the decision whether more shopping is necessary some time soon...

and then the party with more food, fun, and friends (after lunch with jackson, the bloat balloons) and i buy two chocolate decadence signature cakes at publix, the ganache and the midnight decadence, for the freethinker's party and it is good to see many people i had not seen in months and then, as that party winds down, it's off to the next party, fourth of the weekend that started thursday night and one more to go, this afternoon (sort of tomorrow, but less than eleven hours away)... no softball, i think, for the body craves some rest for the sake of rest and healing and recovery and rebuilding and... rest...

and more food and chocolate, decadent self-indulgence, and cafeinatted beverages, and into slumbers i once again slide...

right on right on

so besides being still awake, bloated by pizza and pasta and ice cream and chocolate and dr pepper cherry, and feeling the stress/strain on the body inside out (including the heart muscle), i started yet another new blog, the thirtieth (approximately) here at blogspot...

scary, no doubt...

feel free to voice your complaints there (nyuk nyuk, narf :)

try to sleep, aye?

but i slept all day and while i might have vegged and fallen back to sleep at the normal human how tonight, instead, i went out to yet another party and feasted on junk food and sweets and dr pepper and came home wired once again and so what if i am going to get up in the morning to apartment shop and then head to a party in the afternoon and another later in the evening and continue on through the night... life will continue, with or without me... and i;ll enjoy it while i can... so, more food, drink, and be merry... all by myself, since no one who keeps my ridiculous hours is here at hand... and i hope you are enjoying every moment of your life too :)

and then...

i wonder how many times i titled an entry and then with or without ellipses or parenthetic subtitles), but anyway, this came forth from a response to a comment that summed up the day just fine, so it's an entry cuz it's e-thereal...

yes, it's been a long day... up early for work and work work work and mostly wandering around doing as i please (cuz directors cando that, oh so important and all, ya know), but it's still work work work (and fun) and then softball, unfortunately, as the team got knocked out of the playoffs tonight, which is fine on one level as i need a break and this team can be frustrating due to inconsistent committment, effort, skill, balance, and too many players) and also has another pitcher (my two championship teams don't) and then off to hang with the team while waiting to head to the midnight movie (3-d i-max premiere of avatar (with free passes at universal studios, cool, aye?... it was great, especially for tree-huggers) and then hang a bit more and home to home-made pizza and middle of the night tv cuz twilight zone fit perfectly with the sci-fi arty mood) and now... chocolate cream (or creme) pie... life is good...

i have no intention of going to work today, naa naa :)

and as if this wasn't a wonderful enough day, there, to widden my smile even more, a comment from a dear old friend that inspired a quick catch up of the day that became this entry... isn't life amazing?... fun?... simple?... well, life is something, isn't it?...

whatever it is, enjoy it :)

one more day

one more day in one more year in the life, to be lived, to be shared, to me treasured, cherished, and remembered... cherish was the word, yes, and only one truly knew, and only a few ever even listened to the story, as the beatles sang, is there anybody going to and then, as tim rice wrote will no one stay awake with me and then, the day is done, gone, and poof, into the past, the history, posterity, and the memory...

but who remembers, really... who knows...

the real?

all those years ago, long before this blog began, long before RealTime™ and behind the candoor and planet candora and the live journals and the online roots (at least one of them) and the letters, the years before the internet when I wrote so many thousands of letters to friends, lovers, imaginary lovers, imaginary friends (yes, each of these could be linked to yet another website themed somewhat around the concept in the words, really, and less than a tenth of a percent of the written gardens ever made it online, but that’s a boast of a different horse, so get on with it, will ya?) and even before then, when I filled many thousands of pages, pads and books of all sorts, writing daily for year after year for decades and a lifetime, yes, even before all that there was a child in love… and today, we celebrate…

happy birthday amy

give in, please

sleep, yes, sleep has become the obsession of the subconscious (and just about every cell in the physical body)... it is only the conscious mind that that loves to play so much that it simply shrugs off sleep and continues continues continues doing whatever it is i am doing whether i am out with people and hoping someone stays awake with me or after i get home and let the web and words and whatever slip through my mind and dance without reason and play without meaning and even glance up at the tv when the music isn't playing and lost in the sleep deprived psychosis is the depth and dream and whetever else was me, once upon a time...

so i slept tonight :)

blurry head

another day of work (on call weekends keep me running running running and eating almost to my heart's content (with gallons of caffeinated beverages) certainly does not help as the extra food just makes the body work harder to digest and process and store and then, the extra pounds just make the body work harder to move, every movement, and then, the night after night playing ball or going to parties or simply staying up to watch craig, yes, craig is my secret lover drinking me to drink power shakes in the middle of the night when i really ought to be sleeping (as it was in the beginning, so goes the night, yes, one long night, of this life)...

just look at the date, for crying out loud, it's amazing i've been so sane for so long... please, take care of yourself... and your children... for the night has no mercy on lovers who give up on love...

quark...

pushing every envelope

yes, to be somewhat precise, i've been pushing this body every which way but loose (which is probably one big reason the hamstring frayed a bit, tight muscles, not loose, and all) but i am having fun and meeting fun people and hanging with friends and even if i am still longing for love somewhere inside, the suface is stretched out so thin that smiling is all there is left to do...

party tonight, party last night, party tomorrow... this would be so much easier if i wasn't so responsible for so much at work every day and 24/7/365... yeah, i did go into work today before the party, then rushed to pick up food and a present or two at barnes and noble cuz it was one of those bring food and presents parties and then we had fun...

i should try some sleep on for size now, aye?... have fun out there :)

too late for tv

which is a blessing since i watch way too much tv these days and it is draining what remaining brain cells i have of their potential for the leap to the next level of conscious awareness that i have flittered with a few times in this life, but found it not as fun as the sharing that can be done on the lower levels of consciousness cuz without someone else there, the sharing is one sided (which isn't actually sharing, if you follow even a bit of the flow of these words)...

so anyway, a call came in inviting me to a last minute game night in deltona, which is north almost half way to daytona, and i headed up and had fun and am just getting home... pigged out a bit, which is a foolish start to this weekend as i have two more parties and not much exercise planned due to the injuries... but fun, much fun and the solitary sensual pleasures of food is better than none...

on the injury front, the knee is still on and off at the poimnt where it was hit by the batted ball and there's some sort of ache when weather changes which really sucks and probably had a lot to do with the hamstring pull... the hamstring is getting better, i walk up and down stairs ok and only have pain when trying to bend or push off, so running would not be wise, but i should be able to drag myself to first base if they need me to play thursday night... sleep and vitamins and the right food helped a whole lot, now if i only get more sleep next week...

so on goes the music (i really need to get the hard drive loaded with the cds on the shelves so i can actually listen to all the music i've got and then decide what more i want and make mixes and get back into music and myself and the life and times of the person i used to be before i gave myself away to folk who wouldn't nurture or appreciate what they had... yeah, a really truly best friend would be a nice blessing too...

so how was your night in your life? :)

long week, but got some sleep

as you will know already (how's that for playing with tenses?... wait, i'm not done) if you read the previous posts that have yet to be written (O-O, what a word geek, aye?), on monday night i pulled a hamstring tagging up from second to third on a short fly ball to center and then limped home from third with the tying run in the bottom of the seventh on the next batter's hit... we won the game and tonight, the team played without me and won the first game of the playoffs... next thursday is the rest of the playoffs and i will see how the leg feels, but i definitely will take a pinch runner if i play and make it to first base...

in other news, precious totalled her second car for the year last night and i was sleeping... she's ok, though spent some hows in the hospital getting checked out... the worst bruising came from the seat belt... i thought she had an airbagm but i never rode in the second car so i suppose not... the first accident she was hit from behind while at a red light... this time she couldn't stop in time when someone stopped short in front of her... the SUV had a damaged bumper, her car received a totalled front end... the benefit of driving a gas guzzler, i suppose...

i am taking tomorrow off, mostly, to take care of business, so i should sleep some tonight, but at least i did sleep more than ten hours the past two nights, which is wonderful (says the body and mind) and also why i haven't been here... so to all the silent millions of fans out there who love me and miss me (and the few who actually leave a few words now and then), all is well in the real and while all could be better, i've got fewere complaints every day (mostly cuz i'm a day closer to dead and understand the logic and wisdom of not wasting time or energy on worry or stressing over the small stuff, but there may also be some greater depth and stability to the balance and peace within the psyche, yeah, it's not just apathy and ambivalence, nyuk)...

much more to come in previous entries here, there (which may be real time, behind the candoor, or even bullsugar, but wait, there are even newer blogs budding out there if you're clever enough to track them down... shhhh, it's our little secret until the tabloids get a hold of the photos and text messages and twitters and pull a tiger woods on us), and other places... life is good and amusing, as usual... and just think of what getting a lot of sleep might do to the profundity and candor of the babble, aye?...

narf :)

pre-existing conditions

"If the universal health care reform bill dies again, it will be due to pre-existing conditions."

yeah, craig ferguson, the sickest (in a good way, of course) thing on tv these days (replace oprah with him and the next revolution may just begin) did say something quite similar first, but i like the wording above better because it holds both a warning and hope for ultimate awakening to the need for and rightness of universal health care and a direct reference to the money the lobbyists pay to elected officials to get them to vote they way (the pre-existing conditions, get it, wink wink, barf)...

oh all this social consciousness is getting me nauseous... or is that amused... what we need now is a slippery squeaky clean naked teenage girl innocently playing with herself in the shower completely unaware of the cyber camera set up to share her gifts with the world... yes, that'll clean up what's wrong with the world...

no, you are not supposed to know when i am serious and when i am kidding all the time... it is carefully planned that way, even as it does not seem so... you may never know the truth, at least not until you can handle it... let me know when you decide to accept and give up your delusions and we'll have a serious talk...

narf...

nauseating culture

slowing down to see an accident, going to auto races to see crashes, watching boxing or ultimate fighting, gung ho warriors invading other countries, and the prostitutes pretending to be moralists all over the world as they sell sex and religion and soap and gossip and war and butting into other people's lives and corn flakes and judgmental false superiority and above all else exploitation of anything and everything with guilt and fear all in the name of making money and the pretense of family and god (in that order)...

and oh, how humans love to tear down their heroes... are people really so insecure that they swarm to the lynching just to somehow feel some false sense of superiority watching someone else fall or fail or get beaten, destroyed, or somehow get put down?... and the latest exploited target of all the suck-up faux-news media and gossip hounds is tiger woods... have you found this blog entry by googling for dirt on the once greatest golfer and one of the most popular cultural icons of the past decade?... is if cuz he's black? (oh sure, and is Britney or Lindsay or Letterman black?)... no, the bigger and more loved the star (and the more sex involved), the more ardor there is to take them down and tsk tsk them all the way to church on sunday cuz that makes you better than them, right?...

so afraid of sex, of reality, of truth, the human race lives in the delusions and fears and ignorance perpetuated by greedy power hungry control freaks for millennia... am I all that different?... yes, but I fake it well on the surface so you may never know…

snark…

ouch, dangit!

pulled a hamstring again, only the second time, but definitely set myself up for it by not stretching enough on a chilly night when i worked a twelve hour day without eating or drinking and slept maybe two hours the night before and at most four hours a night the previous week or few and it's probably been a year since i actually slept through until i woke naturally, maybe longer, and definitely several years since i took time off and just slept as much as the body/mind wanted for a week or so (which is the best way to tay healthy and long a long life, but that's not really the priority for our culture cuz there's no profit in it)...

we did win the game and I scored the run that tied the game in the bottom of the last inning by beating out a ground ball to first (sprint #1) and then beating out the throw to second on a ground ball to short (sprint #2, the second baseman bobbled the ball), and then beating out the tag up throw from short center from second to third (sprint #3, pulled the hamstring), and then limping home on the single to right that followed… and the kids on the team may never realize what it takes to play at a higher level than they do in a body somewhat older than theirs, but hey, my other teams appreciate me (nyuk-ish)…

so i could get all sorts of philosophical (and cynical) alluding to the limited awareness and delusional childhood in which humanity remains steadfastly (and vehemently, arrogantly, and violently) submerged, just a step or two away from the children they were believing in santa and the easter bunny in the younger years of individual life times, but hey, I’ll just focus on healing and raising my consciousness even if that isolates me all the more… ah, alas, and narf…

if you only knew :}

yes, well, ok, then

so the week that was worked itself out, much playing of the college bound game and other vegetative play and the distinct absence of online time and minimal exercise and much wandering aimlessly through the wilds of here, there, everywhere, and nowhere...

and now, after all that, connected to the net via a borrowed 'home' public (and way much faster than the att aircard) wireless network and tapping on a new easy-on-the-lap keyboard and randomly lending half an ear or eye to the various and sundry new and old tv stations collected by the new digital converter box and digesting a ton of italian food and mountain dew and nursing the left wrist and laughing at myself and the futility if attempting to live an enlightened life of wisdom and logic with humans and wondering how much more catching up or other entries i will drip from the brain in the head on the body i inhabit these days tonight, i smile and wish you well and hope you enjoy yourself, here, there, and everywhere...

and even nowhere too...

life smiles :)

and happy birthday harry...

...wherever you are :)

does this work?

apparently, it does... work, that is... a new keyboard is now plugged into the laptop so i have an even lighter, cooler (as in less warm) keyboard on my which leads me to realize i could use a esktop for this sort of at-home tapping of the keys and the laptop for away from home tapping and so what?... well, it's something happening in real time in the real life, so it was time to come here to update as i do relatively daily, more or less (this week less, obviously, but perhaps we'll catch up instead of sleeping tonight)...

it has been an odd week, but all is as well as it gets, and i home you can say the same in your experience in your life too... now let's see if this will actually upload :)

home

the next entry showed us that the new laptop i bought tonight worked... what also worked was/is the internet connection i am tapped into... i am not sure if this connection is the apartment complexe's or the apartment complex next door or a business nearby or someone who lives nearby because i don't know how to find out who a connection belongs to and it pops up as a public connection that lets me connect to it and it is simply called "HOME" and i hope all my personal information and passwords and bank accounts and credit cards and identity and dna and mojo and the secrets to the universe and my personal private exclusive connection to god (or what everybody seems to call god) isn't invaded and infiltrated and accessed and stolen and used and abused and violated and raped and murdered and ruined for all time just cuz i am using this public wireless connection...

oh, the drama, aye?...

anyway, as i will say in a previous entry yet to be written or uploaded, ATT SUCKS, again, and MICROSOFT SUCKS, again, and that is why i am on this "HOME" network connection... if this is someone's personal home connection i mean no harm and thank whomever it is who left it public and would not use it if i knew it was not supposed to be public and the owner did not want me to, but as an old friend who moved far away to the great northwest used to say so amusingly (with sincere sarcasm), nobody told me!...

yes, so anyway, this works too (see next entry)...

and so it doesn't go

as i was saying in the next two entries which were written in reverse chronological order just cuz i was gone from this public key-tapping for this week cuz i slipped into the gamer addiction once again (which may be the subject of yet another catch up entry that will be written later and uploaded prior to this one, or so it might seem), the internet stopped working suddenly on the day of that is chronologically tomorrow if we take the date-stamp on these entries seriously and the only reason i can figure is the ridiculous automatic updates from microsoft (sucks), yes microsucks does it again as the computer automatically updated to vista service pack 2 and instead of making life easier and simpler, it somehow disconnected the ATT (sucks) internet connection and it will not reconnect and it will not re-install and the att (sucks) tech support is not 24 hours so there's no help until tomorrow (when i will be at work, of course) and once again i wonder why i am letting the stressful obstacles remain and maybe i'll changes things tomorrow (or next week)...

yeah, so anyway, the internet was gone until i found the public home connection i found in the next entry that is letting me catch up on this week tonight... i think it may finally be time to actually move into a place that allows good internet, aye?...

so it can go again :}

catching up, sorta

pay no attention to the date-stamps behind the curtain, the great and powerful oz has spoken... or something like that... yeah, so i drove out to the field on sunday because i've been asked to come out for softabll practice for the past few weeks and had my other sunday league and sure enough, i sat there for almost two hours and nobody showed...

so i called jackson and we met to play tennis and then i actually went into the rental office of her apartments (which is where i lived for seven years) and found that i could get a one bedroom there for less than a one bedroom here and i probably would have stayed there if they offered that last year when i moved (so inconvenient of them, aye?) and i stopped in the rental office for the apartments next door and they could be lower than here too and both would have real cable or dsl internet and tv and so am i a step closer to moving and saving the $200+ each month i give to this place for going month-to-month?...

so i look around at all the stuff i have and wonder why i have all this stuff and must find time to pack and or sort and discard some crap and then figure out when and how to actually move the stuff and then, maybe move into the place and... how long has it been?... well, that's another story for a deeper more time-consuming blog...

yeah, so anyway, it was a long day and an even longer week, and odd, rather odd, yes...

odd...

really bad movies

there's a new station among the digital tv stations i get with the new digital converter box i connected a few days from now (catching up on a week in one night makes for strange time references that i enjoy for the potential confusion they might present that becomes a puzzle for posterity, but that's beside the point) and there's no info on this channel so i'll look it up on the web one of these days but anyway, it's apparently a station that the science fiction 3000 club would love cuz there's a really bad black and white sci-fi movie complete with the obligatory human moralizing on at the moment and earlier there was a silent movie on so it's an old time station that shows really bad movies and shorts about whatever, like the really detailed visually descriptive first-person narrative philosophical short from the 1950's or 1940's, even, about what it is like to be and how to be a top notch janitor, or other oddities...

an odd week, i believe i might have mentioned that somewhere...

yeah, so anyway, i pigged out on italian tonight, which is actually several nights from not, based on date-time stamps, for what they are worth or matters, and mountain dew too... but that wasn't actually what i was going to say in this entry... tv can be quite distraction, like the infomercial for the dvd of the midnight special that would probably be oddly nostalgic to watch and listen to, which leads me to mention that another technological failure for this week (the same day, ironically, call if black sunday for tech, i supposed) was the digital converter box that the government paid for (you get what you pay for, once again) and wal-mart was not offering refunds and they no longer carry digital converter boxes so i am stuck with it and out the money unless i call the rca company to find out how to get them to stand behind their product that did not last half a year... yeah, so more american tech joins the parade of suckage this week...

so i bought the new converter box and it gets more stations more clearly, but it shrinks the aspect ratio of the pitcure so there's a black border which just makes me wonder all the more (as i did in the next entry or the one after that) why i stay in this over-priced place that has crappy tech service so maybe i'll get out of here before the end of the year which would be a nice holiday present to give myself...

what else is new? :)

when was this?

whenever, the week that was unfolds somewhat backwards as i catch up in somewhat random order as the events of the real come to mind and pop into these entries with new environmental distractions in the form of at least a dozen new tv stations thanks to the new and improved digital converter box, but what about the rest of the real?...

yeah, well, so there was the pigging out and the thursday night softball that i watched because the coach wanted the other guy to pitch and they lost big time to a team that had not won a game yet, but that's the way that team is and i just show up and play when i am asked to play, not really feeling part of a team but rather use it as practice for my real teams, two of which one championships in 2009, as i've mentioned here or there... meanwhile more personally important softball news for this week besides the great and odd (odd week, remember?) tournament is that my left wrist really started hurting and i believe there may be a tendonitis inflammation flair up that will interfere with batting and possible fielding as well, alas)...

and there was the tech suckage thanks to microsoft (sucks) and att (sucks) and sun java (sucks) which keeps trying to update over and over (as does adobe too) because the tech giants do not make their software compatible so nothing works well (have i mentioned how much vista sucks lately?) and are we (as a species) really as stupid as we are?...

as if to prove the point, apparently tabon's is the british equivolent of golden corral or shoneys or duffs or whatever your local all-you-can-eat stuff your face meat and potatoes and pasta and all sorts of fattening stick-to-your-ribs foods might be called... and the justification for the waste of resources and unhealthy eating is the complaint about how the economy is bad and how tough it is to make ends meet and cheap filling comfort food helps and yet, the obvious visual huh? (besides the long-standing ridiculously questionable dentistry, or absence, thereof) is that almost all of the people are very obese which means they are eating way more than they need to eat which means they are spending way more than they need to spend which means they are doing the usual human ignorant self-destructive self-fulfilling failure patterns that is so typically human, alas, can i go home now?...

and just think, i took three days extra off this week just to celebrate the holiday and never did... more yesterday, written later, hope you enjoy the journey...

ridiculously, this should have been

yes, though these words are written a week after the the celebration that wasn't, but should have been, the party continues on the deepest cubliminal levels as it has since the first celebration that was a very private affair in the closet where everything changed (and you can make of that what you will cuz it's fun to let you speculate about the depths not explained cuz if you really want to know the answers, my friend, are blowing through the blogs, the answers are blowing through the blogs... nyuk nyuk, narf...

tributes are such odd affairs...

home from the tourney

actually, i got home last night and stopped in to check comments and mail and such... no mail, which is the usual as i stopped using email and snailmail for corresponding some years ago... with a little help from my toronto family, aye? (ah, the sarcasm rubs, no doubt)... the apartment mailbox has a vacant card in it cuz i check it so seldom the mail person assumes the apartment is vacant... the po box is checked once or twice a month, but often the mail from there just piles up somewhere waiting for me to find time and motivation to sort through... and maybe that is because i no longer trust people on a personal level, not even for communication... could be i've swallowed too many lies, but then, it could simply be laziness and the desire to rest for the few minutes i am actually home... anyway, i do keep this up (and the babbling elsewhere), so some part of me still wants to keep in touch even if few else do...

deep thoughts, perhaps, as the tourney was fun but brought out some deep thoughts for the team last night about winning and losing and teamwork and family and egos and priorities and fun and competitiveness and statistics and, anyway, we came in third out of 29 teams, which would have been great had the coaches not been so competitive and the younger players on the team not followed suit... so much inexperience, it's amazing they got that far... the coaches were playing games elsewhere most of the time, but they returned for the two final games and we lost them both, i say largely due to the way they coached, the mistakes they made, and the pressure they put on the young players... we were on a seven game winning streak that was mostly without them and the close games were the ones they showed up for part of the games...

anyway, i sent an email to the team that i'll put in one of the babbling blogs just cuz that is what i do, or used to do, partly to keep in touch with myself, for posterity, and hoping that someone cares to know what goes on in my head more than the brief moments here, and ultimately for that dream of sharing everything with the one... yes, ever the hopelessly hopeful romantic even as i actualize the intimacy of a hermit...

maybe i'll write more later, but for now, the internet is frustratingly slow (att sucks, microsoft vista sucks, the usual suckages) and mostly i am enjoying sitting and vegging cuz it was a very long weekend and while mostly fun and nothing hurts (yay for the durable old body, aye?), fatigue is blissfully high...

hope your weekend was as much fun as mine, even more, even :)

could have been more

there was a whole day to write, really, so there could have been more, much much more, actually, if i chose to come here, but then, i didn't for the same reason i don't twitter (even though i opened an account there more than a year ago, or so), cuz i would not want to bore myself (or you) to tears with the same "still nothing new" twits every fifteen minutes, or hour, even... and if you want to know the news or ball scores or weather, you don't need me to twitter that to you... but it wasn't the porn, it was cuz i got nostalgic and started missing you and those who knew me when...

so anyway, there was an amusing moment tonight that brought twitter to mind and you can find the shocking truth elsewhere, bullsugar, if you know what i mean... i am feeling lonelier than usual tonight, even physically... horny?... and i am usually such a self-sufficient independent content-in-my-solitude kind of guy, aye?... way too content-in-my-solitude for my own romantic heart's good, i imagine... not to mention other organs...

yup, diggity too...

so how was yours? :)

hey blog family

especially the couple or few of you i am not sure how to reach at the moment cuz of movement or numbers changing and time passing and all that life stuff (and the many i haven't been sure of how to reach for years too)... from the places i created and all the places you gave me... a few from here and from other places too... every one of you who have touched my heart, even irl (you know... out there :)

i hope today is a good day in your world... and in the future, yours too...

i miss you :)

i need more heads

what i mean is, i need more brain, specifically, more information connected to my brain... maybe i just need better organization and efficiency and time management... what brings this on, you might ask (and it isn't cuz i want to look up and listen to robin wright laugh while bantering with craig)...

i appear to have missed out on a $229 netbook that i would have bought if they had one at the store i visited today after getting my softball pants hemmed (and while waiting for the same-day hemming, i wandered around the burlington coat factory and somehow found myself leaving with close to $500 worth of clothes that i may never wear, but maybe i will finally dress in pants and shirts {and ties?} instead of the fancy sweats i wear most of the time these days, for years, actually... yes, so i actually bought three pair of semi-dress pants and three ties and at least twice three shirts {that would be six, or a half dozen, at least, aye?} and two pair of shoes, or some sort of footwear and a jacket for cooler softball nights and a jacket for smoking, not that i smoke, but it's one of those smoking jackets you might find worn by alcoholic writers obscurely drifting through life on the left bank {of paris, of course}, which might make me cooler than i am if i wear it to the local poetry slams or something like that)...

yes, so anyway, i was a bit perturbed that i missed this $229 netbook and every best buy in florida is sold out except one and that one is between miami and ft. lauderdale and i am going to be in ft. lauderdale friday through sunday, so i tried to order it online but the site wouldn't work for some reason and...

i puased there for assorted reasons and then returned to find myself babbling so the entry, for the most part, was moved as expressed here in the next paragraph, after which, i will be elsewhere (see RealTime)...

this is a babbling entry that belongs in the babbling place that was not supposed to be RealTime, but became RealTime cuz it was easier and faster to manuever around blogger than diaryland even in the days of crappy internet connection like these days, but before this goes on any further and turns thereal into a babbling place, which was not the intention, i shall move these words and summarize somewhat, or something like that...

meanwhile, i ought to get some sleep and stop stuffing my face with banana nut crunch cuz today is thanksgiving and i am supposed to meet a friend or few for dinner somewhere and it might be appropriate to actually be hungry and eat something... so i shall thank you for visiting threal today and most likely continue babbling elsewhere cuz i am in a babbling mood...

miss you too :}

new and exciting

ok, so f5 (the key) inserts the date and time into a notepad so i can use the notepad as a chronological scrubble file even better now and with a little secret code (or some sort of identifying mark) i can let myself know (as in mark the date stamped scribble, ya see) when i upload it so i just might stop losing scribbles in the files cuz i don't remember if i uploaded it and except for sometimes, i do not want to be too redundant cuz that's boring...

oh, and this blog is so exciting, right...

of course i could start some sort of self-service public service announcement blog and add it to the blog fanmily (but i've already got 28 blogs at blogspot, at least a dozen (12) at diryland, and a few live journals and ... others elsewhere already)...

and just as of course, i could actually get some sleep now and then, but then, that would be so normal and boring (and sweet, oh, so sweet sometimes... to sleep, sweet sleep, perchance to dream, but dream or not {i seldom remember dreaming anyway{, a bit of true sleep, sweeet sleep, ahhhh)...

meanwhile, there's so much more to do around here... more laundry... hem the new softball pants... dishes... so much cleaning of stuff and putting away of stuff and stuffing of stuff.,.. too much stuff, and yet i have so little compared to most or even compared to the stuff i have in storage... and i sit and rest in the big green chair watching the ridiculousness on the boob toob until crag puts an exclamation point on the night with his irreverent humors and then, or now, to be more precise, on goes music... i'd share the playlist if i had more time or there was an easy way to copy and paste it, but microsoft windows, you know...

so what's new and exciting in your world tonight?...

almost excitement

between the championship and spirit award and mvp wins over the weekend and the pending eight days in a row away from work (i hope) starting tomorrow night, there is almost excitement abounding around here... and that's without caffeine, even...

did i mention jackson talked me into starting yet another team?... yeah, another softball team takes the field to fill the sunday afternoons... co-ed, and this one will have more girls than boys... cute girls too, and cool people inside the cuteness... unfortunately for my dreams of intimacy and falling in love, they are mostly not interested in boys that way... yeah, i mean sex... ironic, i look around at most of my best friends and find they are gay and while i am comfortable enough (the flex boys will all be sharing beds at the tournament to save money on hotel rooms, after all), my libido still lusts most for that dream of adorable petite girl...

and floating even closer to the core of the experience i've known as being me in this life, i still live in a very different place from everyone i've ever met in this life... and while it does get lonely where i am, i still wouldn't want to live anywhere (or anyway else)... so while i mock the excitement of life as harry and his band did when he'd say and the excitement continues to build, i still find the most exciting thing in this life is being me and the possibility of sharing...

anybosy wanna share? :)

more att suckage

i know, it's horribly distracting but this is the way it is, this week worse than it's been in a month or two and obviously it is getting no better in spite of what the customer service people promised a year ago... so the crappy internet service takes over the thought process in thereal one more night... thank goodness for all the other blogs, aye? (and he forces up a sneer between totally inappropriate giggles cuz yes, yet another new blog started this weekend and low and behold, it is a consumer oriented kind of thing, at least that's the idea... you know where to find them, on the left side of right are branches off the tree of madness {on the right side of RealTime™, of course}... but for the moment, thereal is att sucks)...

$70 plus a month for internet anywhere, but that is a lie because i can't even get internet at home some night and routinely, pages won't load and there's no way to download updates regularly and att lies again and again (after keeping the hold button on for way too long) and again, more lies about upgrading services in the area for more than a year now and so it goes...

that is my att experience...

att sucks...

how about your internet experience?

we are the champions, my friends

yes, the sunday team did something pretty amazing today... the first game was tough, the other team took the lead and we had to mount a come back and won, clinching first place in our division with a 10-2 record... the second place team was also 10-2, but we beat them 8-7 in the first game of the season... it was time the playoffs and we played the second place team in the other division (their first place team played our second place team)... and again, it was a tough game and we came from behind and won... so it was on to the championship game and our second place team beat their first place team so we were in the championship with the team we beat 8-7 in the first week...

i was pitching good all well, but hitting crap... luckily, the team was hitting well enough to win without me... the game was tough and the lead went back and forth and we went into the sixth inning (or was it the seventh) down by a run 7-6... we started hitting and took the lead 9-7 and i come up with the bases loaded and hit a ground ball that slipped through between the shortstop and third baseman so two runs scored and i ended up on second on the throw home... the next batter hit a ground ball and they threw home and the call was safe... i moved over the third on the throw home... the catcher got pissed off and slammed the ball into the ground and i took off for home and scored before the pitcher could recover the ball... the old guy steals home, go figure, aye?... they came back in the seventh to make it 13-11 on a couple of errors, but i got the last two batters to pop out and and we are the champions, my friends...

we were bouncing around on the pitcher's mound after the game like we won the world series, this team is a heck of a lot of fun... and the fun (and surprises) were not over yet)... we went to the banquet after the game and they gave out the awards and the surprise of the night was the team got the spirit award (which is a sign of acceptance from the league, which was surprising because there the league did not welcome us with open arms at first due to politics and cliques)... and then the coaches gave me a surprise by voting me mvp... what an ego trip that was...

so we finished 12-2 with a ten game winning streak (including the playoffs) to finish the season and this is the second championship out of the five leagues i play in and more ego stroking is these are the two leagues where i am the only pitcher (i share pitching in the other three leagues) and this is the league with the youngest, most inexperienced players... the difference is believing in each other and caring about each other and as corny as it sounds, the different is simple, it is spelled t-e-a-m...

yay team :)

bitter sweet memories

when i stop wasting time venting about the every which way but sexual raping of consumers by corporate america, i can remember things that actually mattered to me once upon a time and while i do not devote nearly as much time to the celebration of memories and mourning of losses and pleasures of dreaming and desperation of desire and passion and power of hope and other poignant phrases (oo) as i once did once upon a time, or for years for a while, i do feel it all tonight... if just to say...

happy birthday shari :)

the continuing suckage of microsoft

seems i am not yet done waking up and venting about the crap microsoft stuffs into a computer... i am finally finding the issues with vista that i never paid attention to because i was hoping that they were fixed by the service packs... when will i learn?... microsoft is right, people are stupid and here i am, dispising the crap on my computer, and still considering buying a netbook and another computer with a microsoft os and more microsoft crap stuffed in under the radar...

what is it this time, ric?...

well, the biggest pain is that vista is starting to hang more and more, especially after the laptop puts itself in sleep mode... at times, the laptop is prevented from going into sleep mode, so the toshiba software is finding issues with vista... and then windows defender is telling me that my virus protection isn't working because there's s glitch in vista... and service pack 2 is 1.6GB which is way too big to download on my connection (because att sucks too), even if i could be sure which vista service pack 2 to download (and windows automatic updates is on, but still it has not downloaded service pack 2, so i still have all the issues with vista because windows update does not work (oh, how surprising, another microsoft product doesn't work?...

karma is a bitch and what goes around comes around, or so it does seem sometimes... all i can say is bill gates better hope that is not true because with the collective frustration of world computer users coping with the bugs and glitches and hangs and freezes and crashes and incompatibilities and time-wasted and simply, crap microsoft software, if a fraction of that came back around on bill and the people who work for microsoft, i would not want to be them...

perhaps this is the newest level of hell, for those who believe people create their own hell, if only by doing the things that get them into the level they get to... beyond the ninth level of hell is a new level, the tenth level of hell is microsoft...

and how was your day? :)

netbooks

in keeping with the recent tech stuff thought process that emerged in the last entry or two, sort of, mostly because microsoft still sucks (and if i had time i'd find and link my other rants about the suckage of microsoft and att and most of the corporations milking people dry in our modern world, but time time time is not on my side, no it isn't, these days, even if it is still telling you a story, with and without acknowledged or not musical references, after all), i am, almost daily of late, pondering the purchase of a netbook...

the reason is largely because the writing jones is itching to be scratched more and more once again... and the portability of a netbook would allow for more five minute blurbs scribbled throughout the day than a full 15.6 inch laptop does... or so the theory in my head goes... and that is possible, perhaps probable, but an 8.9 inch or even smaller would, but similar logic, be more effective than a 10.1 inch and all i seem to see lately are the 10.1 inch models, so would the difference make the difference i would like it to make and would the actual difference be worth the ever rising netbook prices, and so goes the almost daily pondering...

a wireless keyboard would help as well, for even a laptop is bulky and quite warm for long term sitting on a lap, so ponder the wireless keyboard more, i say to myself, for that is not a $400-$500 netbook expense and it would make a difference for the babbler itching to scribble more more often more again more, evermore, again...

thereal is fascinating, isn't it?...

well, sarcastic, at least ::)

not that it matters

yeah, microsoft sucks, but then, so does att... their $70 a month aircard is slower than 28K dialup and too often, even with an apparent signal, pages will not load... not that it matters, after all, if the pages did not load, you will not see those words and if you see the words, the pages obviously loaded... having to shut down the computer and reboot sucks, but that is the norm with windows, after all...

all this techno-babble dominating thereal these days might drive away readers, if i had any, unless, of course, the readers were techno-heads, but then, as if there was any intent to actually write for readers, not that it matters, cuz there almost usually are none, though just of late, there are two, both anonymous and one clearly non-existent, present only as inconsequential spam, but the other, yes, one, thank you...

and the others beyond the two mentioned above, yes, the few called family on the sidebar, wherever you are, stopping by in rare moments as i might find you at your haunts, if you still leave any droppings on the web anywhere, thank you too..

not that it matters, but of course, it does...

one more reason microsoft sucks

i never used an apple computer for more than word processing and i never used a linux computer at all... the only computer os i've used other than microsoft windows is atari and commodore and both were better than windows, but that was the 80s... so i have no idea if mac or linux is really better, faster, less problem prone, less vulnerable, and so on the way most people who use it and most experts out there say... but i am sure, after using every windows operating system for more than twenty years that microsoft sucks...

the biggest reason for the suckage at the most influential corporation in the world is the obnoxious refusal of microsoft to simplify it's os so it will run faster and require less system resources... the more memory and power and speed computer manufacturers build into systems, the more microsoft sucks them dry and makes the hardware seem inadequate... it makes no sense, except from the perspective of profit margin and maintaining a microsoft monopoly, which just makes microsoft suck all the more...

the latest reason for microsoft sucking is the ruining of the netbook... there are almost as many refurbished netbooks available for purchase as there are new netbooks... the main reason is that microsoft prevents the netbook from performing well enough for seasoned computer users to want to keep them... those who keep them a more likely opposed to returning anything or new computer users or people who use the netbook minimally, if at all... simply, microsoft is no longer supporting windows xp and yet, it is the only microsoft os that can work decently (not well) on a netbook because a netbook does not have enough memory or speed to run the vista or windows 7 os... the final suckage is that microsoft lies and continues to take the stand that windows 7 can run on a netbook... even the stripped down and relatively useless windows 7 starter edition (most windows 7 features are disabled, so why bother?) runs slower on a netbook in every test than windows xp...

why am i ranting?... simple... i want a netbook... i want an ultra-light portable computer that is bigger than a palm pilot... the netbook, at under 3 pounds (sometimes 2 pounds) is the ideal carry around computer for me and yet, every time i psyche myself up to buy one i go to the store and play with several for half an hour, an hour even, and i come away without buying one because the microsoft windows operating system (yes, even xp) sucks... and they want to charge more for xp even though they are no longer supporting the product... can any other manufacturer get away with that?...

would you pay more for a car that you can no longer get parts for, not to mention that it crashes randomly and breaks your other stuff?... would you pay more for a discontinued model of a television that only gets three stations and randomly shuts down in the middle of a program?... how about a refrigerator?.. would you pay more for a discontinued model that randomly stops working, spoiling your food?... yet how many of us pay for this microsoft product that routinely crashes, spoils files and and fun and work, and is simply, regularly, unreliable... and we ignore the routine frustration, stress, anger, and spoilage... we accept the unreliability, like a bicycle that regularly throws us to the ground, if only emotionally and mentally injuring us, and we just climb back on and continue trying to ride...

maybe it's time to realize the microsoft bicycle has square wheels...

gibberishy

not to be mistaken for jabberwocky and definitely not the stuff of this supposed to be brief blog we lovingly and dichotomously (or bipolarly?) call ethereal as in e-the-real, which may be opposites hence, bi di and lovingly i suppose... yes, i suppose... i suppose i suppose a lot these days, but this blog is supposed to be the simple stuff like hmmmm, i really don't masturbate as much as i used to, ya know?... well, now you do... but if you really must know, i don't think there's enough pizza in the world for me to ever get tired of pizza...

that's a scary thought... too revealing?... well, this is e-the-real, after all... and a world without pizza?... suddenly, the body shivers... time to change the subject, obviously...

i rushed out of work on time and drove through mad traffic to get to the field and dressed in all my softball stuf in the car and waited and waited and suddenly realized it was wednesday, not thursday...

so i drove home and ate more cereal...

and how was your thereal? :}

killer cereals

so of course i should be sleeping (way back in time, that was the name of my first online journal... i think... ah, those where the days... blogging from the street for love, now that was a unique perspective... anyway), but instead i played that game (yes, that game, except this time it isn't having the video game diet effect it was having the first few months i played it so instead, i paused cuz it crashed windows vista again and ate a bowl of cereal in the big chocolate mug {in the big green chair} and once again forgot to close the parentheses) and ate and watched tv and added this after-parentheses part the next night...

i wonder how many of you got here by googling cereal killers, or serial, for that matter... isn't life strange?... well, it depends on perspective, ya know...

belly growing again, though i am eating healthy 90% of the meals... just eating at less than healthy hours and too much... if i wasn't lazy and didn't have the laptop on my lap at the moment, i'd make myself another bowl of cereal... yes, make... i don't eat cereal straight out of the box... i usually mix at least two different kinds of cereal together with extra fruits and/or nuts, depending on what's in the house... tonight's cereal recipe called for some powdered milk topped with chopped dates and golden raisins topped with kashi u cereal (black currants, walnuts, whole grain flakes, and granola) topped with post select grains (whole grains with crunchy pecans) and then ice water gets poured over the top and stir (not shaken) and munch munch munch slurp, rinse, and repeat...

yay brett farve!...

meanwhile, if you love what you are doing every day, then you'll be a happy person... that is what i want you to take with you, if nothing else... hopefully what you love doing every day isn't hurting people, or yourself, for that matter... whether it's painting or singing or dancing or playing with computers or running a corporation or flying airplanes or walking dogs or making love or eating semi-home-made cereal, as a wise someone once said, it's you're thing, do what you wanna do...

really, thatis thereal...

everyready day

the bunny reference, for the fun of it, is the battery, not the sexuality, alas, but the fingers just keep going and going and going (which could be useful if it was a sexual reference, come to think of it (who's snickering?... candy, that is), but sigh and all, or giggle, if you must, the brain nods off a few minutes and wakes up finding the figers tapping keys and wonders what in the world (or out, for that matter) the figers are doing and the eyes look up and vaguely see words, mostly, on the screen so the mouse is moved over to the publish post button and...

where did this year go?

i mean, thereally! where does the time fly off to cuz it seems like it went by so fast and lately it seems like life is zooming by so fast when i wake up and look around and find myself alone again, naturally or unnaturally, running the race (rat, mouse, ardvaark, whatever) from work to play to sleep (ever so briefly) and back round and round and round this bipolar loop (though sometimes it seems more monotonous than bipolar, it's mostly an amazing roller coaster ride and as fatigued and rushed as it is, i so prefer roller coasters to monotony)... yeah, i'll say it...

i pity anyone who isn't bipolar...

wasn't it a famous often forgotten early usa hero who first said, give me bipolar or give me death! cuz our founding fathers knew that life, especially the emotional/psychological life of an intelligent aware human being, is a roller coaster of ups, downs, and spin arounds and while the sudden rises and falls may be frightening those who fear roller coasters (or their own emotions, for that matter), they are the most exciting part of life's ride for me...

loving it, mostly, even the nodding off :)

what would you do if i sang out of tune?

i think about that song every time i see those two babies advertising whatever they advertise... is it etrade?... i have an etrade account,actually, and i wasted money opening it cuz i opened it years ago and forgot about it and somehow missed the fine print that says they charge something like $40 each quarter if you don't use it and since i haven't used it they've been debiting $40 for years and somehow the stocks i bought are gone (did they sell them to pay for the inactive account?) so i think etrade sucks just like the rest of corporate america cuz what is missing is actual caring about people and anything, animal, vegetable, mineral, corporate entity, government, species, god, anything that exists without an active actualized caring just plain sucks (sometimes not so plain)...

but there's a whole deeper profound path that this entry could have taken, but the absence of active actualized caring leaves me crossed up between cavelier snirks and crunchy distain (maybe that is why the typo snirk popped up, aye?) cuz whatever, and all that...

if it takes forever...

did i say happy birthday?

two of the most important people in this life as i've known it were born on the same day and not just date, but day and not just day, but year, that is, they were both coming out of their mother at the same time...

i know (yes, craig is on)...

and it might seems strange that these two people who are so important to me are people not in my daily life and haven't been in this daily life for a long long time (yes, linda, we remember) but there's a certain kind of love and devotion that only comes around once or a very few times in this life and it was quite amazing from a coincidental perspective that two of those certain kind of love and devotions came around at the same time from two different people who came out of their mothers at the same time... yes, mothers, so no, they were not twins, which might have been less quite amazing, but anyway, i am babbling for both of them and that isn't what this place is about, so i'll just smile and say i love you... both...

happy birthday barb...

happy birthday ray...

love, always...

anonymicity

there's a combination in words in there somewhere that title that mean (or means... close one?), for the moment to me, annoying anonymous comment spam... i do not refer to the nice anonymous commenter who's come around of late, who, if i had time to ponder converse and ponder some more as i've been known to do now and then, would have me re-evaluating the purpose and value of the time i spend tapping keys and uploading words and stuff, which are somewhat mutually exclusive at times, but then, at other times, not, as i might be demonstrating right here and now which could make then a moot point, but what does it matter when this is not what i am referring to in the first place, after all... i refer to the anonymous spam comments that have returned of late...

the biggest surprise is that it is GOOGLE SPAM... yes, out of place sudden capitalization, even... and we stupid (and if you don't think the powers that be think the average person is so ignorant that stupid is the appropriate word, have you wanted the latest my idea campaign from windows?... it's genius, really, cuz if enough people are stupid enough to by into windows being their idea, then they can't blame microsoft for all the bugs and crashes and faulty programming in their idea... ownership is the ultimate bye for everything) computer users are supposed to believe that google programmers cannot filter words found in comments...

it hasn't been frequent over the years, primarily because i am so obscurely unnoticed here in my gazillion little blogs and journals and diaries and other pages, so hopefully it'll stop this time without my setting the captcha on every innocent commenter (cuz i have so many people that would inconvenience, after all... nyuk)...

keep believing what you choose cuz that's what we're here for, narf...

sugar hangover

i slept in today and found myself waking after noon and then slept a couple or few hours more and woke with a massive sugar hangover cuz that comes from a combination of starting to catch up on sleep (one night is not enough) and a sugar OD the night before... it's kind of like a self-induced flu, speaking symptomatically, or how it feels... so i decided to skip the ginourmous game night and a few other parties today to sit here listening to my ear alarm while waiting for my head to explode...

you had to be there, or here, for that matter...

somebody said thank you

and it's just downing on me... i've become so insulated, so numb, maybe even callous in my irreverence seriousness and my cynical self-mockery and all that intellectual mumbo-jumbo that it's taken me weeks to find a shred of time to realize that somebody said thank you...

and i don't think it was SPAM either (must I? :)

seriously, thank you for saying thank you... it means so much more than i allow myself to realize or express, mostly because i have held myself in for so many years, mostly because i am waiting for the one, the partner, the soulmate, the best friend, the lover, the one who will share everything... why be anything fixed or concrete without her (or so goes the logic of the story of the life for me so far)...

and art garfunkel sings when will the right one come along (or was that paul simon?) and elton john sings all i ever needed was the one and so many other songs ring true in my ever so hopelessly hopeful romantic psyche... but i must remember this (not just as kiss is just a kiss, sigh), that a simple human kindness, a little recognition and appreciation at any hour of the day or night inb any way, shape, or form, that makes the wait worthwhile...

so i'll keep babbling, thank you very much :)

blurry again

yeah, erp, blah blah blah... so little sleep, so mucvh work, so little love, so much stress, it's a sick world we live in, a sick world we, humans, have created for ourselves... and after escaping for a while, i find myself buried in the corporate wars all over again and i wonder why... once i did it for love, for romance, for the money to buy the fun stuff, the vacations, the luxuries, and the comforts and securities of life... now, alone, i am doing it in the hope that someone will come along to share the life again, but it's all just rushing through the game for me...

oh give me a home where the buffalo roam and the deer something something all day... where seldom is heard a discouraging word and the skies... well, whatever, sunny skies, cloudy skies, whatever the weather it's not the weather, but it's the one you are with, the one sharing the weather that makes it worthwhile and fun...

yeah, a touch of clarity in the blur... and the moody blues sing a lifetime of i know you're out there somewhere...

patience, aye? :}

full circles are not always profound

life comes full circle sometimes... well, maybe a lot of times... the specific time i am referring to in this particular reference was inspired by kate hudson, who inspires my smile almost as much as her mom used to and that is the circle, full, even...

hey, it's more profound in my head than it is in words, what can i say (not much, but i can narky giggle)... anyway, i suppose all i'd have to do is be a world famous something, top-shelf athelete, popular for whatever reason, or at least obscenely rich to attract a kate hudson or goldie or any of the beautiful people (ah, remember libboland?... yeah, hollywood ruins the libido for anyone in real life, aye?)...

it's been a while since i had a crush on anyone, fantasy hollywood star or real life person, libido has not been grabbed and shaken and stirred and stunned and all that in years... i don't think about that much, but there's a sea of sadness surrounding the island of absent romance... so maybe i am lonelier than i let myself know most of the time, but i also strive to be a person who does not spend much time fretting about things that are not cuz it's more fun to enjoy what is...

still, fun as i can have all by myself, i love to love and love to be in love and my heart says to me quietly sometimes late at night that it sure would be nice for one of those full circles to come around for me...

(sigh :)

a bite of life

as opposed to a slice, i suppose... but since i don't do this nearly as much as i used to (see comments on the previous entry for more), i probably have more stainage than i used to, but i always wondered if the whole bathing brushing grooming experience was just an egocentric exercise in futility since the body deteriorates and dies no matter what we do to it and like putting on make-up, it just masks the reality of the being within... or is that just a rationalized justification for not making time and energy to focus on the minute details ot hygiene?...

oh, what you all must think of me now (bullsugar :)

eat less, sleep more, exercise more

(in that order)... for lack of full REM cycles is catching up with the aging brain and lack of sleep is catching up with the aging body and over-eating is weighing both down and raising the blood pressure to unhealthy levels (that's a sense-judgment as i don't make time to check the actual blood pressure these days for the same reason the place i live in is a wreck, no time for picking up behind myself, no time for laundry or dishes or cleaning or straightening or anything short of quick showers and minimal washings to have minimal clean clothes and kitchen stuff for minimal basic hygiene and cleanliness and such and that is both physically and psychologically uncomfortable so return to title and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat until it is actualized again)...

not that i was ever anywhere near an obedient child, but i could really use a good parent right now...

and the little duckling says... are you my mother?...

very much owie (softball report)

big ice bag on the right knee cuz the monday league is ridiculous as one of the teams is a full fledged B team with some definite A level players and the first three batters hit line drives right at me hard enough to bounce off my knee, hand, and glove (respectively) and shoot past infielders into the outfield (one so that the outfielder did not have to run in more for the ball)... that is definitely wrong, but hey, it was a sick kind of fun to play and get creamed by a team two plus levels above...

the unfair part is the league lets them qualify as a D comp team... if you recall, the Monday team is the one with all the guys who swing for the fences every time, which is not the way to win at softball... anyway, i sit with an ice pack on my very swollen knee and hope to be all healed by Sunday when the team that I take most seriously (and depends on me to pitch every pitch) plays again... that team (here's the good news) took both games of the double header yesterday, 5-0 in the first and 19-0 in the second game... we now have first place because we are tied with 8-2 records with a team we beat in the first game of the season...

we will likely be in the four team play-off in the sunday league... Monday has one more game and I won't miss it much... Tuesday is over and I won't miss that much either because it too was a macho-testostrone driven team, again, not the formula for winning softball... Thursday has three more games and it's becoming testosterone driven and I'll probably skip the game this thursday to let the knee and finger (finger very swollen too) rest...

i am back to hitting well, going eight for nine in my last fifteen at-bats with six walks and i scored from first twice and went first to third three times, which means my running is still improving... so yay for the fun and the improvement and the fun and the friends and the fun and the hope that i will find the dream team (which is more based on friends than winning) and the one so we can fall in love and live happilly ever after forever and ever and ever and...

how you doin? :)

blurry life

i'll leave the softball report for the next entry only to say here YAY! for yesterday's results cuz i am going to take a fifteen minute power nap before heading out for softball cuz i am seriously nodding and life if quite blurry and it's still not aging eyesight (though there is the signs of that too, for sure)...

i just stopped by to wave hi cuz i am missing literary communication and feeling lonely for intellectual stimulation (and sex too, but much more cuddling intimacy on the physical level and the mind misses love even more than the body, so here are words for you kind of like i just wrote to write i love you... cuz i do) and emotional sharing and believing in someone (will i ever truly unconditionally completely totally again?... all i ever needed, was the one...

and nodding off now, wish you were here :)

game night fun

yes, just getting in from the game night fun... a couple of new people and a bunch of regulars and while we were definitely a sleepier group than usual, it was fun... note to self: spend less on fruit next time... yeah, i almost kind of sorta didn't stop myself from buying $50 worth of berries (blue, black, rasp, and straw)...

but as i return to a regular social activity olmost every week, i am feeling the loneliness more and while there are good people and we have fun, the longing for the touch, the hug, the hand to hold, the cuddle, it is returning stronger than ever... as is the sex drive and while masturbation, for me, is better than most of the poartners i've been with, i increasingly miss shared intimacy every day...

and yet, there was no one there tonight with whom i would really want to make love... so eyes open and expand the population and keep hope alive...

for no apparent reason

sometimes i put off uploading a new entry because the current entry is pure genius, or more precisely, poignantly full of some information i with everyone could and would read and if i put another entry out there, that current entry slips into the abyss of the archives where some of the most brilliant (or personally representative of me) entries sit unnoticed for years or even, forever... so rather than delay the pending flood of entries that are bubbling up today in the few hours i have to sit and vegetate here in front of the computer and tv (not that there's anything on the boob toob around here on saturdays), i will include links to the profoundly vital entries i am overstating with delusions of grandeur and poor spelling right here and elsewhere as i ramble on today and possibly, other days as well (look for them, that's the game, even more of a build-up, aye?... ah, the self-mockery of self-importance and arrogance of narcissism still amuses me after all these years)... and since we know you wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight if you didn't know this, you can thank me later... and so, onward...

yes, in the interest of your sanity and future children we might have, let it be known that you must have all of the qualities (did ya see, did ya see?... it's a link!... shhhh, don't tell anybody) and more to get close to me, though if you hum a few bars you can fake it for a while, especially if loneliness is strong, but then you need to know that we only would be sharing fantasy bubbles that burst at random moments (even if they are euphoric and/or orgasmic before they do), so forewarning and all that, aye... seriously, your sense of humor must be flexible or it'll brobably break trying to keep up with mine (mine does pilates in it's sleep) if you really want to get close and try to know me... one test could be if you laugh at, and more importantly with craig ferguson, then you may have enough silliness in your sense of humor to appeal to my lofty tom-snootery (you'll have to write in for the definition if you don't already get it)... ah, but you may already misunderstand and be put off by your limited mind...

meanwhile, if you really know (or study, which requires a post doctorate degree, but kindergarteners have been known to get it too) a look at my history it should relieve any sense of offensive superiority you might have assumed i assumed, or presumed, or consumed, for that matter as the power of words demolishes any modicum of composure anyone might have when they arrive (but before you start thinking it's just like old times, i give you the word and remind you that you really don't know what's going on or what is real until you look into my eyes and sit and talk honestly for a spell cause all this internet babbling is fun and amusing (to me, at least), but cuz i love to play with my head, your head might get played with as well and even though i mean no harm, you might find confusion in my delusions and if we don't share the same illusion then misunderstanding is likely to follow, so take me with a grain, or a truckload of salt, for that matter, ya folla?...

are we having fun yet? :)