All Of Me

Once upon a time, someone came close, almost knew me, almost... the heart wants nothing but love, unconditional honest love... the mind wonders if that is possible in this world between humans, humans with so much fear and rules to hide behind, who is real?... years of life, youth searched, early on, I was scratching out my dreams, creating me, letting my imagination run wild and free,what does it mean?... year I searched, feelings like colors, as if from afar, but so deep within, where no one ever goes, goo... years I wandered, moving on, into the night, as if an alien or immortal as love, believing love never ends, so the energy never dies, babbling on as randomly as relatively, trying to fit in, to be human, to live the heart's dream of sharing everything in love, unconditional honest love, but who?... almost... but left alone, again, unnaturally, asking who cares and realizing... I do... through all the bull, the fundamental things apply, still, so much left unsaid, unread, unheard, yet to be, it's only words... once upon a time, someone came close, almost... you may not understand, maybe, all I know is all I know (and in the end, the love, that's enough for me... cuz it just has to be)... to be free... to be me... to be happy...




Narf :)

Anonymous Comments

If I only had more time, I'd let you know more about all the Anonymous comments left on this blog and how I respond to them. Typically, I respond to them one by one, but since I don't write in this blog anymore, I didn't check for comments in some time and I just uploaded more than 75 comments to various entries. These entries received the most comments so you can see for yourself if you want to click on the links (in case it matters). I didn't have time to respond one by one (that's usually fun, pretending each one comes from a real person as I respond... I imagine many come from comment-bots, but hey, a friend might be mixed in there too, right?... there's always hope, ya know?). Anyway, I'm still not here, but I just stopped by to point out that many new comments are sprinkled through, some worth reading, in case it matters. :)

More will follow, time permitting, cuz the fun never ends (just like love), but really... I am here now, in case you didn't catch that first link on the right sidebar. :)

Enjoy life and KIT!

Narf :)

This One's For You (As If)

I write to you as if you care
then I wonder where you are
when I am alone and no one's here
am I wishing upon a star?

Imaginary friend
I'm here tonight
believing in you
it helps me write
to someone who cares about me
even if you're just fantasy
even if you never know me
this is my reality
some creativity
maybe therapy
or insanity

I write to you as if you're real
then I wonder where you are
when I am alone and I feel
like wishing upon a star

Imaginary friend
I write to you
believing in dreams
that don't come true
will someone care about me?
even if it's just fantasy?
will someone ever know me?
in reality?
is this therapy?
creativity?
or insanity?

This one is for you
as if you existed
as if you cared about me

This one is for you
wherever you may be

This one is for you
as if you were right here
sharing this melody

This one is for you
my dream of harmony

And in the end, I wonder
silently...
Did you ever know
how much you meant to me?

And in he end, at least I have you... imaginary friend

Days of Future Past

I return here only occasionally, as I do with my other "daily" blogs, or the dailies as they are called in what passes for a table of contents of sorts, I suppose (and this is where I usually link the other older dailies, but perhaps we shall pass on that much self-indulgent hope for your interest, unless, of course, you are the one, in which case you would have already asked, but I'll likely somewhat subtly {though my subtle can sometimes be like a brick to the face}, even rather nonchalantly, somewhere down the page), but this one holds extra special dearness as it spans the last chapter in this life where I was living the illusion of sharing, maybe even almost a family, for as much as it was... but that's another story. The point of this opening aside is I KIT (keep in touch) with that span of time within myself and this blog was and is a record of that KIT, for those who shared the illusion and for posterity, even if, in the end, is is and was always only me.

This entry could be subtitled Song Cues Abound.

Today I though of family. I can only imagine what it's like to have a family. I develop relationships with as much, if not more dependency than most people I know. Working 24-7 jobs throughout my career gives me a sense of connections and responsibility that maybe something like family. Perhaps that is why I have chosen a professional life of helping others a a level of responsibility that is tethered 24/7 to a phone that I am expected to answer anytime it rings. Them in the personal life, I choose to live with someone much more than I choose to live alone. Living with a roommate and/or choosing a friend to unconditionally trust (which is a whole deeper level of my quest for sharing families ties) may get me closer, though the relationship tends to become what a therapist calls enmeshed and people do not seem to deal with that well. I am not sure if that is because I do not need the boundaries most people need (and why I don't need them is another book or two someone can write, if I'm ever interesting enough to anyone outside of my head... of course someone inside my head could write it or them, but another time, certainly, at least) or whether it is because I have such secure internal boundaries (unless I forget, which I have done from time to time in my quest to understand humanity and become more human, to fit in, but that's an even older daily blog, perhaps) that I don't have to think about them. I ask little more than consistency and contact from others. So far, that has been asking for too much in almost every case. Maybe every case.

That may or may not be why the cover entry for this blog has remained the same (which requires future-dating it, if you know what I mean), but I just thought I'd mention that here and now as if it mattered and belonged here. But I really don't think I'm a creep, a musichead (who started as a radiohead, surely), yes, but not a creep. Sadly, the music died, but I never really said goodbye or even bye bye cuz the song goes on forever, so welcome back my friends to the show that never ends and do save a seat, or even the last dance, for me.

Or something like that.

Did you ever want to go back in time to see how you were and if you would have liked yourself? It could start with a short trip (though that could be a rabbit hole without an end cuz it goes on and on my friend). Maybe, maybe I'm wrong. I'll go on anyway. Walking on, and on, with hope in my heart. It's just my way, an impossible dream, perhaps, but I've got to be me. Honesty. Love. All we need. The whole world could be in love, actually live in love, if we wanted to. It would be such a better world. Imagine.

There is so much more to follow, more even than came before, from pain to bliss, euphoria to trauma, agony to ecstasy, and what's the opposite of depression?... but anyway, anyway, this is where this pauses in time and space to say hello to you. Hello, I love you, create peace and joy in your life, radiate love, share, care, be well, be aware... Whomever you are. Wherever you are. Whenever you are.

Shall more follow?

Narf...