Life is Pretend

This is the real. Did you think otherwise? Maybe for some, some of the sharing is genuine and some of the caring is real. I envy those people sometimes, but then, I see the pretending they do too and they pretend not to know they pretend. Or they choose to be ignorant of their choice. Pretending people care. I live in the real, alone. No one knows when I feel pain or fear or love or happiness. We exist in the vacuum of our minds and we try to explain what is going on in there, what we experience as being one within one. All connected, all consuming each other. Life consumes itself to survive, We use species delineations to pretend we are not cannibals. Illusion, pretending, making it up as we go along. Nobody knows what really goes on in another's head, for each collection of trillions of cells form a unique experience, different from every other if we really compare it, but we pretend to be alike, to think alike, by staying on the surface and staying with other life that looks like us, other people who look like us. Real is that we are more easily convinces to fight and kills each other than share and care for each other. Love is scarier than fear. That is real. See beyond the illusion, the pretend, and you may understand what you understand.

It would be depressing if I was not so incorrigibly hopeful that we will someday know we are all part of one.

Who will you consume today?

Narf :)

This Is The Real

Sometimes I feel oh... yes, sometimes I feel like I've been tied to a whipping post. So much betrayal, so much abandonment, so much fear in this life. Even those with the purest hearts and best of intentions will sometimes want to squash me, suppress me, silence me when all I want to do in this life is sing out loud and proud and free and open and honest about all I feel and think and do and am. I am so sad to think that sharing honest love and unconditional trust can feel like pain to anyone. For me, holding back, hiding, letting time go by not giving the dream my all is like dying.

And I wailed in the night to anyone who cared...

let me be who I am...

and please please please let me love again.

Sadly, I must accept that many are gone (so many more in their own private gardens that have not breathed in my ear in decades) and even sadder, some who are not gone would rather be gone and forgotten. I am so very sorry it hurts to be here with me and I shall do my best to be as obscure as I can be - but love is the opening door... I'll leave you out of it as challenging as that may be when I just want to shout from rooftops

thank you for being, for caring, for inspiring me to believe in love and continue nurturing what little hope I have left that my dreams really can come true in this life.

Shhhh...

I am trying to understand, trying so hard to resist my nature, to understand the fears, and hoping my maze obscures my defiance enough to amuse or console enough so I can continue living my dream of sharing everything with respect for privacy. If this is a baffling entry, then I may have succeeded. My hope is you are amused at the lengths I will take to compromise even as it may drive us to madness (gleefully, I hope).

But nobody heard... . . and that is the real.

Narf.

NGUNS

Could be say no to guns which would be a much more healthy, humane, and heroic motto than the hypocritical say no to drugs soapbox the warhawk's wives have been peddling for years, but it is, for me personally, never give up, never surrender and that is the truth, from the big rocking chair to the core of my being. Years pass, I survive. Most important (or importantly, for your grammatical fevers), hope survives. Belief in love survives. The dream survives.

Even as the people I believe in fail me.

no one picks you up when you are down
when you are giving up
from my experience

stories told about the saddest clown
are never quite enough
for the delerious

tell me how your god is gonna save you
tell me how you care and how you pray
everything you do shows me the opposite
where is all your caring today?

paying for guns, paying for bombs
paying your taxes and closing your eyes
children cry help us and no one responds
you party as the world dies

I challenge you to save the world
I challenge you to live or die
I challenge you to tell me the truth
you hide, you run, you deny
I challenge you to tell me why

I know fear, but I still care. I am almost giving up, but not quite. The real goes on trying to live the dream, trying once again to reach out to you tonight. (e)thereal still reaching for the light. (e)thereal still trying to do what is right.

never give up, never surrender...

narf :)

I Won't Give Up On Us

Close to a birthday of family adopted 22 or more years ago yet silent for much of the last 20 years and so much murky waters have passing into the abyss that any reasonable normal human mind might suggest I cross the line into insanity or at least some accepted mental disorder, obsessive compulsive or (open the DSM V and explore) whatever, but I am what I am and I do not renege on my adoptions as anyone who knows me can attest (and a new test is on-going as this date occurs, no doubt {and there is no doubt that the challenge this time is second only to the challenge last time and what does that make this, test four in this life?... A, S, G, E... others?... adopt, separate, give, [no word for E quite yet , so perhaps expect, evolve, abyss , eternity, extrapolate, ethereal, oh so many are in contention, every one with more or less potential, can it get more exciting than this?], e... or actually perhaps five [M before A but not after X or ?... ?] or more as well, but this was he second longest adoption with living together [and, come to think of it, there were at least two more N, M, after G but before H, though my investment was slightly less emotional and dependent] with dependency since the longest and age plays a definitive roll in the bounce back regeneration process, but all this [and that too], is an obscurity [multiple layers of obscurity, in fact] of many different colors [and this was a parentheses of many different levels, one for the ages, no doubt, again] that we can explore [if we remember] when we are a we again}, and it continues in this blog in some sort of mad secret life lives on some different plane of consciousness or alternate universe, even, perhaps in ethereal as the e-the-real will not let go of hope, faith, belief, or any such conceptual connections), so this added value entry appears as if it was always here, if you dare dive deep into the abyss of the ethereal with me and make some semblance of sense of the multitude of words and thousands of entries you can find here.

What?

I won't give up on us, that's all. Every one. (wink)

Narf :)

Again

More to follow

(hopefully)

Reality Squared (One Year Later)

Again, maybe (not in the classic maybe, but something much more inherent and specifically referenced {as specific as references get, perhaps} in this particular blog), repleat with the usual fanfare, I return to titillate the senses (and voices in my head) with the hope of some magical mystery tour someone might join me on someday (soon would be nice). If you do not follow, you will never get there. Yeah, profound good morning to you too.

later, tater

This Date, A Year From Now (Or Maybe Tomorrow)

Likely before next week, next year, at this time.

Today is a good day for magic
Today is a good day for love.
Today is a good day to take a chance on
that dream that you've been dreaming of.

Yeah, baby... Take a chance on the dream you've been sleeping and then take a chance on the promise you've been keeping and then take the final step past the final straw and throw all caution to the wind (to the winds, even...

then, just maybe, you can finally begin.

or end

every now and then

Always, always, always...

I miss you so.

every now and then

amidst the structures, challenges, and distractions of life there is always hope in my mind that the most precious dreams will one day come true and that is why i will, in spite of the somewhat more official the end having already happened (though if you are reading this blog chronologically, you ought to know time/date stamps are quite relative by now and you can stop scratching your head... unless, of course, it itches), return here now and then to wake the sleeping masses of page viewers (and you and anyone who follows the links to their natural conclusions, wherever that might be) and stimulate the statistics that provide some data that encourages the illusion of popularity that provides fuel for the hope delusion in my mind...

or something like that (at least we can still find me laughing at myself without you, at least until you let me know you are there... always hope, remember?)... I am still writing daily, now and then more than ever, in case it matters...

you are missed :)

there's always hope...

Yes, we recently declared The End of an Era. Yes, this (e)thereal blog officially came to a point of semi-closure and a moment of moving on some time back. But did you think I was really gone?... did you think our time together was really over?... is the fool on the hill ever really done?... there is so much more to explore if you want it... there's always hope, ya know?).

Not only are there many dozens of entries left in progress in the notepad scribbles that may be pre-dated and uploaded as if they were always here somday (time is relative, after all), but just as is the case with all the previous dailies (and almost all other blogs and spaces in the written gardens), In keeping with the history (of course I should be sleeping) and traditions (in the bios) of self-inquiry (and creating me) and life (the early years) of the old world (like a fool in the chill) left behind (from the beginning) in this blogging life (and these blogging lives) from the early (behind the candoor) babbles (in The Real(TM)) and rhymes (from planet candora) and fundamental (the funda know) transition (bullsugar) into the last daily (in (e)thereal splendor) with the flurry of others (opinions and complaints) not withstanding in these written gardens, this blog shall find entries uploaded whenever the whim might lead me here (so have no fear as the long strange trip down the long and winding road will continue wherever it may lead just as the song never ends.

Follow the links and you shall find
the never ending story of my heart and mind
if you care and share, be so inclined
and you will never be left behind

I may not always be like a hurricane, but here I am :)

Unsaid, Again

Someone in Toronto may understand and perhaps others in other places too... there is a reason I left here and a reason I return and a reason I might make is seem as though I said all these things before, always hoping for more, the one who will not just say the words, but who will actually return the favor or at least show the appreciation in more than the occasional grand gesture, alas, still waiting for the one who will show the world what I offer, what I give, and maybe even let the gift of giving stay...

Somebody understands...

How often is someone concerned
With the tiniest thread of your life?
Concerned with whatever you feel
And whatever you touch?
Look over there.
Look over there.
Somebody cares that much.

How often does somebody sense
That you need them without being told?
When you have a hurt in your heart
You're too proud to disclose?
Look over there.
Look over there.
Somebody always knows.

When your world spins too fast,
And your bubble has burst,
Someone puts himself last,
So that you can come first.

So count all the loves who will love you
From now 'til the end of your life,
And when you have added the loves
Who have loved you before,
Look over there.
Look over there.
Somebody loves you more...

End of an Era

Did you read the last entry?

So whatcha think?

insert #1

as if I might insert an entry out of chronological order without mentioning it or even call those entries "insert #n" we can leave that impression for the first time with this particular perculiarly titled entry and to even add to the illusion, the subject might, Yoda not withstanding... this blog was home for a long time and while we know i would ramble on alone in a vacuum i want you to know that i very much appreciate the a few of you visited regularly and i care about you and hope you are as well as you possibly can be and still want to know so even if you do not follow me to the new two-step sometimes trilogy that are now the daily blogs plus, you can leave a message here and i hope you do leave a message here or follow me or both... this blog was becoming more and more a rambling distraction than a daily record of life and the new record of a life never really did get off the ground as the babbler was most comfortable here (and we were going less and less to the old babble places even less than less to the fun old and new semi-daily and occasional blogs so this blog just continued to be the primary depository for daily words whether there was something to say or not and that is just the way it is and was and still may be inside of me even as I appear more organized on the outside in the new daily blogs...

I meant to say something, really I did lol lam :)

how many days?

as if I forgot how to come here and type, but no, i was elsewhere (links to follow, perhaps, if anybody cares... maybe even a whole new blog... what?)... so time passed... and nothing changed... and everything changed... that's life...

it was all too challenging, painful, and unbelievable to write about... sigh.

wasted a lot of time on facebook . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . sigh... (yeah {yes, even}, that is the sound of time passing in links in multiple ellipses, ya know... for explanatory notes or details you'll just have to care enough to reach out and ask... or wait for the paperpack)...

and I mean I may actually mean wasted... at least for now... but then, waste is relative to perspective, discovery, and personal value... i mean, all this could be wasted time too... on the other hand, it's good for me, even if nobody ever knows...

who cares?... there's a blog for that too (laugh, wink, and la dee dah)...

so where've you been?... in case it matters to you (and you miss the dirt, drama, and details {and emo} you've come here for all these years), you might find me here now... I hope you are well...

What I Said (every now and then)

every now and then
I will
travel back in time
I will
remember a rhyme
that will
lead me to sublime
and will
reveal an old crime
or maybe this
something we miss
something we feel
being here
being good
being real
what we had
was not bad
in the real

Remember me?... remember reading me here?... remember anything about the dream of you being there? It was another time... it was another place... it was another fantasy with yet another face. I miss it now. I miss you now. I miss you now.

A year later and the changes happened just as the might have been foretold in many real entries before this here and elsewhere. the illusion of sharing only last as long as it is shared. People move on. Year together dissolve into memory and often memory dissolves into the ethers (or aethers), the unconscious (or subconscious), the nothingness where no though returns except every now and then... like this (my way) or that (your way) and here we are.

Still refusing to say goodbye, even though we are gone.

Sometimes though, when tomorrow pauses...

Narf :)

Getting Scary

I can't be sure where I will be in a couple of weeks when the lease runs out here. Jackson has not offered her couch because it is Brandi's house. I kept paying for a two bedroom place just in case her move out of state did not work a few years ago and it didn't work so she had a place to come back to and I paid most of the rent and all of the utilities for most of the years we lived together. She says she can't help me. Ouch.

I am going to see if Curly will let me stay in the unfinished room he's used for storage in a house near here for the last few years. I lost a lot of friends helping him out of a serious jam, testifying in court for him. Hopefully he will let me stay there a while. It's not comfortable, but it's got a roof and a toilet.

Job, please.

Pinball

and when i'm feeling kind of lost or simply bored of everything, i come here to resurrect the dreams i left behind up on a shelf where they are sleeping or is that my state of mind? every now and then i wish the world was kind... as i teeter on the edge of wishing i was blind.

maybe the wax in my ears is there for a reason.

For No Reason

Unless you now the reason. I stopped uploading daily. I stopped maintaining the table of contents. I stopped caring enough about whether you are reading or if anyone cares to continue keeping in touch. Just look around, it shows everywhere. If you care. If it matters. Even my Facebooks (and yes, I do have a few... but I shall let you find the others on your own) and the many (dozens) 0 comments