the continuing saga of the softball world series

that shall be told at some other time may be written and uploaded and this entry may be part of many someday (as if they have always been here), but for the moment the latest (or only) update is here for your perusal, amusement, pondering, and/or anointment, as you wish... as usual, a softball tournament has it's ups and downs and this one certainly does as well... we lose the first two round robin games (that we should have won) and then won the third... our run differential was +5... then we won the first tournament game and lost the second in a very close one against the #2 seed, dropping us into the loser's bracket... and then, this morning, we blew a game against a team we should have easily beaten so we dropped into the consolation games bracket...

alas, we are not good enough athletes to party late and play winning softball and we are trying to do both, so some games are just not ready for us (or we are not ready for some games, especially morning)... we play again tomorrow at noon, so hopefully we will be awake...

i think i will nap now since we are done for the day...

more whenever...

cheers :)

quick update

in case you are checking in and wondering about me, I am in Washington DC at a softball world series and will not be online much until next week... I may or may not sit and write a hundred or so entries to fill in all the missing hours that have happened in this current month, we shall see how inspired and motivated (and encouraged) and insane I shall be next month, aye?... i mean lol lam laa la la ya know? :)

much fun is being enjoyed... I shall keep in touch, hope you do too :)

busy fun day

out early to head to jackson's church to pick up stuff for a table at the university event (she's gonna tell whomever stops by about the UU church) and then stopped by walden's office to pick up stuff for her table (i will be there telling whomever stops by about her organizations which are all about a wide variety of local grassroots community service work) and then met our softball coaches who set up their table to tell anybody who stopped by about our softball league and then after a few hours of talking to the people who stopped by the tables we went to late lunch and then home... jackson got to work catching up on paperwork for her job and i headed out to pick her up a pizza for dinner then headed over to curly's for cards with another friend and pizza and dr pepper cherry and i am slightly wired... after a bit, harpo came over and we played more cards and now, fifteen or sixteen hours after waking, jackson and happiness are sleeping and i am home again home again, toot tootly too (whatever that means)...

so much left out of the blog lately, so many entries slipping by, days, even... i miss you, i miss the writing, i miss the me i am in words, i miss the therapy and the word play, i miss the communication and the potential for more, i miss the dream... but life is fun...

hope you create and find fun in yours (you can do it, i believe in you :)

more tv

this dvr thing is addictive... and with stations putting on marathons of twilight zone and outer limits and alfred hitchcock presents and dead like me and heroes and haven and through the wormhole and (this list can continue, but the point is probably pretty clear by now... so many stations putting on so many shows it is tough keeping the dvr under 80% full, especially this month), watching the marathons has absorbed more than half of my awake time, in fact, maybe three quarters of my awake time, even... and in spite of some really horrible writing, acting, and continuity, i am enjoying most of the marathon more than any sensible time management plan would suggest...

are you sitting comfortably?...

yeah, well, anyway... spent lots of time out with jackson recently (between the tv marathons)... a yummy lunch yesterday with jackson at pickles, the best deli in the area... and we ate at gators (finally tried the stuffed reuben burger, which was good) after the sunday game (that we won) and we collected a $200 check for the team for next season cuz we have a deal with that gators... and saturday we had a great german lunch with helen and her mom and two other friends and then saturday night we help run the amazing race fundraiser for our sunday morning team and we ate out some more... and i'm leaving out some fun, no doubt... so my budgetary insanity is definitely continuing this month, but so is the shared fun...

it would be fun to have someone here to share this mental audio-visual marathon of weird stories, but i still haven't found what i'm looking for, that is to say, the mind that would truly enjoy and not burn out on hour after hour of fantastic ideas mixed with mediocre acting and stodgy writing and the obvious small minds of the human race, ahhhh, but enough of that old rant... happy birthday toronto :)

what can we expect, i've been watching television...

narf :)

tv

me and the tv and happiness spent today together... and while the emo-eye candy of the cheerleader along with the possibilities of future evolutionary developments that today would be considered super-human powers (among a few other shows) was fun, my fascination with how the human brain actually does whatever it is it does was amused and intrigued by morgan freeman's voice and the visuals on the wormhole show... and that was the majority of today (besides yummy dual pepperoni pizza)...

perhaps you'd care to review the random arbitrary highlights of the month? now?...

narf :)

thursday night cards

it seems to have become a routine event the last several weeks which does not bode well for the thursday night softball team that a friend has been trying to talk me into starting up... i was dragging my feet on starting a new thursday night team for several reasons, first being i would rather just play than organize and maintain and pay for a team... laying out money for a another team is not wise for the budget at the moment... scrounging around for players was not going well either... and when i get to a field the last thing i want to do is be walking around with my phone screening last minute texts from people who might be late or not show up and then have to rearrage the lineup at the last moment... so, the cards seems to have replaced any idea of a thursday night softball team... some other form of actual exercise really ought to be fit in them... yeah, listen to me, won't i?...

we have fun... sometimes just four of us and sometimes more, we have fun... hope you do too :)

smatterirngs

like service and support, but we'll bash brighthouse later... kaspersky and microsoft would not let me use the laptop this afternoon so the catch-up idea was done before it even began... heading out to play cards with friends in a bit, so it's time for a shower and maybe i will actually write this entry and catch-up some later... until then, just let's just accept that i am gone again and enjoy a smatterrings of selected entries from the past month or so...

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gone again

yes, in spite of the amazing last entry (which was not actually the last entry {only sort of} and there will probably be other last entries before long, or at least eventually)... actually, maybe it wasn't quite as amazing as all that, so calling it the amazing last entry just could have been a misnomer on every occasion, or something like that (perhaps it was the amazing distractions provided by the news of the world that sends me deeper into my illusion of a beautiful world)... what?... oh yes, i was gone again...

we could point to the dvr as i have been watching an exorbitantly abundant excess of television in recent weeks since getting the dvr... i believe there are thirty three series scheduled for recording, possibly more as i am counting in my sleep... and then there is happiness who has been home a lot more than usual and being the incredible staring dog, he gets a lot more attention when he is home... and there were other entries in other places written by other parts of my other mind, but that's another story for another time (or another blog, actually)... and it could be that i was out doing things too, though my sleep-state memory is not recalling too much, though yesterday we ran through a mock run of the amazing race planned for saturday... but mostly it is drift...

yes, drift...

sometimes i drift...

narf :}

avoiding news

two of the shows being recorded by the dvr are the daily show and the colbert report and the what can be quite disheartening (and annoying and frustrating and even quite scary) is that those two comedy channel news shows which are intended to be comedy also provide more real news than most mainstream media... what?...

for instance, the ridiculous (and ethically and morally and possibly legally wrong) power that corporations and political lobbyists have as exhibited by the do-nothing congress and currently, the tax code secrecy... specifically, the fact that we are allowing the government to keep the very ideas of reforming the tax codes a secret for 50 years... so you and i are not allowed to know how the people we elect are going to revise the way they take money out of our pockets... seems ludicrous... and what if we simply decided not to pay taxes anymore?... and let's not even look at the hypocritical and anti-american (and likely unconstitutional) voter suppression laws which is just one more sign of the fascist (and racist) state direction in which the usa is heading or the abusive wall street bankers rape of the government, laws, the economy, and oh yes, you and me and how ignorant we all are to the damages done... what to do?... you might not even know your butt is still bleeding... and speaking of bleeding, 26,000 sexual assaults reported in the us military? (more than half are men)... and who counts the unreported assaults?... not to mention the usa sharia (the whah?) is alive and well...

the shameful handling of tax reform might have been mentioned for a minute on all of mainstream media because, after all, the corporations pay for the news shows... maybe we should complain to van wilder... or flan cobbler... or ashton kutcher, even, who i have not even begun to start forgiving for stealing mila kunis away from me...

nauseating, i know... i'm going back to bed after i throw up...

barf...

the magic of narf

some of you might have noticed the staring dog, no, what i mean is, the staring dog can be quite distracting as he stares directly into my face rather constantly and helps me forget whatever it was i might have meant to come here to say which sometimes returns me to the drama and madness of watching television, but that's beside the point... i think it was something about magic... not the colbert video featuring what? blah blah blah blah blah and other famous and amusing hollywood and tv stars... now what was it that i think i was heading for when this entry began?...

some of you may have noticed that i close more than a few entries with the word narf and often with a smiley face as well cuz, well, there are many reasons... but the distractions that lead me to watch some tv and search for and download a video or few and getting dressed and walking happiness and whatever else happened since this entry began some time ago, i almost completely lost the thread and more, the mood for whatever the title was going to be (something about magic, no doubt), so whatever and all that jazzercise...

narf...

when they come for you

yeah, so, we could go with whatever and even nothing really changes in a world of constant change, but the fact is that while pointing back to circles and spirals meandering backwards and forwards through body and mind and this and that, neil young's old man song (and the other one) plays in my mind today, at least through the morning hours since waking... the irony (if it is irony) that it is a song sung by a young man to an old man is probably more profound than i am crediting it as i float on the surface for the moment, but that is what physical immobilization due to pain can do to a mind, encourage superficial distraction and out-of-body amusement, something i was quite good at with and without drugs when i was in a young man's body... i sometimes pictured myself in an immobile body without any communicative ability (before and after reading johnny got his gun and meeting other people in immobile bodies with minds ranging from stephen hawking to a potted plant and it was always a curious imaginary experience as i floated through and around and out of my mind, but that may be somewhat beside the point, if there was any point to begin with)...

don't let it get you down... it's only dying, after all...

If your browser does not show the audio player, you can click here to listen to the song


If your browser does not show the audio player, you can click here to listen to the song

narf :)

sleeping in, sort of

that is what jackson is doing today and i hope happiness allows her to stay asleep past nine... i woke on my own about an hour ago and the previous entry tells a bit about the current state of physical existence in this body as i sit quietly as still as possibly and wait for some recovery of the nerve pinched in my lower spine (this may be a test of jackson's compassion, patience, and tolerance, though i do not think that is the primary reason it is happening)... there has been worse, but definitely enough so that the idea of a jog is out for now in spite of the beautiful morning for it...

i know i've been gone from here (as in this writing life as i circle and spiral meandering backwards and forwards through body and mind and this and that {and i do so much appreciate the inspiration of your comments and emails and texts and calls} with less than half dozen entries all week, ya see) again a lot this week and all we can determine is that the phase of uneasiness due to a combination of loneliness and financial drain and mind-body aging and the sad human condition is stressing the synapses more than usual and leaving the mind seeking distraction and pause, rather than the excitement of awareness and sharing in words... this phase has lasted longer than some, perhaps longer than most, but i believe serious concern over my internal state and processes is still premature and if not for the tweak to the back keeping me sitting very still this morning, the perspective and energy would likely be a lot higher at the moment...

i blame the continuously weakening abs and core... unnaturally, of course... and more naturally, i laugh cuz we know blame is futile and for me, the irreverent plaything of the idle mind that i do not take seriously... fault is relative, after all, as the path to root cause is often infinite... and so, the body tells me to rest more today than previous days in spite of all the rest it's been getting for quite some time, which is some sort of message i will leave on the wind with whatever other answers there might be...

some days are more imaginary than others :)

narf :)

waking gingerly

slowly too... after six or seven or so hours sleep in bed and experiencing a major change in lower back pressure after dropping at least a few pounds, probably more, in the bathroom, and then tidying up a bit around the place and one bending over too much in the kitchen after dropping a few crackers from the counter too soon after that major change in lower back pressure, the lower spine pinched a nerve and twinged and now, movement is that delicate process of please don't do it, but hey, life is alive and the sun is shining brightly and the air is clear and the 78 degrees is cool (though 90%+ humidity is standard) and hopefully the spine will recover quickly from the minor pinching trauma and the day will be special... jackson's home for the first time in almost two weeks and she's sleeping in (as much as she can) and i shall be immobile for a bit with home of quick recovery... ouch ouch ouch, shhhh, distraction now...

good morning :)

rolling out of bed

only figuratively as i have barely slept in bed the past week and hardly slept at all when i have slept, snatching bits on the couch, but i mean waking up a bit as in another 6 laps of walk/jog... the previous entry may be a lot more interesting or meaningful or high-brow or new age or philosophical or something, but this one is what happened since that one (as opposed to the previous two that were continuations of the previous entry even though they were date stamped in different chronological order cuz, as we all know, time is relative in blogging...

the point of this entry is this entry that records another walk/jog as i stopped being stupid for a half hour this morning and went out for a walk/jog... hence, the body blog entry... now i suppose i ought to eat something but i have not been hungry much and i really ought to lose weight so not eating when i am not hungry just seems logical... maybe some soup just so the body does not go into starvation mode since it's been 18 hours or so since i've eaten... anyway, the start of a new day with a walk/jog is a good thing... even if i did not sleep enough last night and will need a solid 4 plus hour nap today, it's a better day than yesterday...

hope yours is too :)

circles and spirals

life, as i know it, becomes a series of circles and spirals when seen from a distance... but when immersed in the moments, the circles and spirals appear much more like a maze of intersecting people and paths and experiences... it is so easy to exaggerate the detail, importance of each moment when caught up within the moment, and yet, it is within the moment that the truest more intense life experience can be felt if we are not afraid to dive in without inhibition or restraint... still, it is wise to step back and observe the circles and spirals, the repeating patterns of experience, reactions, and behaviors, in order to learn perspective and understand what matters in life...

here in this blogging life, each entry is a moment expressed in some way, words or images or music or a combination of stimuli that can be placed in a blog entry box... any individual entry may be an extreme of emotional certainty or passion, positive or negative feeling intensified by momentary reactions released without inhibition or restraint, or, at times, without consideration for how the contents of the blog entry might effect/affect the people and paths intersecting in the life outside of the blog entry at the moment frozen in time by the blog entry...

the value of stepping back and looking at the blog as a whole is akin to pausing to reflect on the big picture of a life's experience, allowing for the extremes of emotion to find balance and provide a broader, deeper, richer experience of the life lived that gives birth to the blog...

sometimes, when the blog is silent, this sort of stepping back and pausing to reflect is what is happening...

on the other hand, sometimes i am just busy with life... and sometimes i am just shut down...

which is which, only time might tell...

narf :)

meanwhile, in the moment

(several hours from now) i wake from what feels like a solid four hours of sleep feeling more awake than i have in some time, yet knowing more sleep would be wise as i have slept in spurts and thin bubbles in recent days, longer even. and the body is experiencing a deep fatigue and the mind, even deeper, is experiencing an energy depression that leaves the thought process and perspective wide open to the perils of emotional depression so... (so?... wow, this ought to be an important moment, like a vital thought, a point of order, an essential thought to which i must pay close attention, aye?)... so... ummmmm... i suppose that i really ought to find out why, the reasons, the root cause(s) of the change in sleep patterns so that i might actually return to the deeper more frequent sleep pattern that this body and mind seem to require more and more with the passage of years in this life... yes, that's it, the ticket to ride of sorts (did jon lovitz ever sing with the beatles?... jack benny channeled?... peter, paul, and mary?... blowing in the wind?... which wind, what wind?... have i sprinkled the seeds of future entries?... i mean, besides narf, after all)...

meanwhile, back in the moment, i appear to be much more awake than logic would suggest i ought to be given the single four hour sleep block i just experienced... and the tv, being on when i fell asleep and therefore still on now, caught my attention transporting thoughts of a bygone time, the early 1960's i believe, in a jack benny program that mentioned a huge diamond engagement ring for sale for $250 and other signs of the changes beyond the monetary inflation that have occurred over the past fifty years, century, even. and listening to the words of bob dylan's blowing in the wind and the canned applause after and the focus on the entertainment value rather than the message and the shallowness of humanity and the...

meanwhile, back in the moment, i decided to start laundry and tidy up a bit... this is a good sign as the past few days have been quite relatively non-existent and provided all the appearances of depressed behavior... which reminds me to thank goodness for softball and friends, even when the game is laden with frustration, selfishness, and laziness... the difference between sunday and last night is a matter of perspective... positivity returns... is it simply due to a solid block of deeper sleep?... so it appears...

not every moment can be the best moment, but it is good to experience a good moment once again...

even as i float in and out...

a matter of perspective

(several more hours from several hours from now) mostly just because it came on the tv when i was awake, the gamma people sort of amuse my senses at the moment... visuals reminding me of the sound of music, v for vendetta, and other films combine with post world war two anti-nazi propaganda and the hope of revolutionary ideas like freedom and it is called sci-fi... of course the story is dominated by human arrogance, entitlement, and stupidity like most anglo-saxon stories... humans are often, perhaps even usually portrayed as hysterical, irrational, illogical children in movies and literature... a reflection on reality, the true state of the human being at this stage of development?... it is, of course, a matter of perspective...

meanwhile, in my personal individual experience of life offline from my specific perspective, i find i can more easily slip into the hysterical, irrational, illogical childish mindset than ever before... i attribute this to a combination of circumstance and choices... the weight of pending doom (i mean, eventually, even if it is a few years from now) of the long term lack of income comes and goes and has been heavier of late... the lack of intimate trust and a friend who cares to be (and makes time to be) a true confidant gnaws at internal stability... the lack of real exercise, daily, has the body and in turn, the mind in a weakened state of stupor and wasting away more and more (and time itself, the aging process, certainly is not helping as it landslides toward certain death as it does in every life whether we acknowledge it consciously or ignore it as most do)...

well, there's another beginning of a sort...

narf :}

what doctor, which doctor, who?

it took a bit of an effort, but with the help of recent companion eye candy, i finally became a dr. who watcher... but now, almost in a monty pythonesque twist of old boy british humor, just when the doctor and his companion were galey dancing into the land of disney romance (complete with a musical refrain from, of all things, beauty and the beast, here comes a dirty old man (and this is called good acting across the pond?) to give the role quite a different flavour... i wonder how the companion will handle the sudden shift of gears... meanwhile, the surprise introduction of another older actor as the doctor at the end of the last season still plays out as wtf? now that he is not the chosen one after all, but will play some role as the doctor at some time in time...

anyway, besides the obvious eye candy aspect of the visuals, it was a fine bit of reading distraction from the physical world where nobody really cares...

narf :}

i can get pissed off sometimes

at the moment i do not want to play with the sunday morning team any more... yet i paid for a plane ticket to go with them to the world series in washington dc and reserved a hotel room (money i should definitely not be spending)... but today's bullshit practice, like most of their practices, should be the last nail in the coffin as my patience wore out... the coach was 40 minutes late because the assistant coach didn't wake him... not the first time... and then, so much standing around... and worst of all, so much learning bad habits when they are actually on the field... over and over... so much laziness... not just lack of hustle, but pure laziness... one of the extra coaches brought on for the series remarked about it a few times... i kept, as i usually do, encouraging people to hustle to get the balls hit near them and follow through on throwing the ball where it needs to be next... today was even lazier than usual...

only four of the regular team showed up in the first place, the coach 40 minutes late, and just like a few weeks ago before he got there we were once again moved off the field we started playing on because someone else reserved it (after i spent ten minutes raking and flattening the mound with my cleats... the team that dumped us off had a rake and smoothed the field to make is playable and safe, wow, how ingenious... yeah, i'm pissed and sarcastic)... and again, not the first time... four other players added on just for the world series showed up, one who was formerly on our team but quit because he was disruptive and moody and didn't listen to coaching and he upset other players, but for some reason he's back... and an extra coach was brought on too... so she hit balls to the outfield while i was the ball retriever... then when we were booted to the other field the assistant coach asked me to pitch to two of the add-on players so they would hit to the outfield... i started with five balls (yeah, just five balls for a batting practice), one of which was so dead the assistant coach tossed it out of play, and eventually had none because nobody wanted to chase and retrieve them...

after pitching forty or so pitches, at least, to each of them and watching the laziness in the outfield and the shortstop and second baseman not even going out to cut off the ball (no less cover second) so they could practice what to do after the outfield finally gets the ball, the coach showed up and i asked why we were having batting practice just for those two guys when everyone else is just continuing to practice bad habits... he didn't like my question which frustrated me even more... while waiting for one of the five balls to be retrieved and thrown back into me, i said i really do not need to pitch all of their batting practice and wear out my arm as i had actual games to pitch later... the response from coach was not good... that pissed me off... i told him i should not even be doing batting practice pitching, i pitch plenty and don't need the practice, and they signed on a few other pitchers for the world series so they should be the practice pitchers - saying that would only be fair if they don't want to wear out their pitcher, i mean, if they care about their pitcher, especially when nobody was really here to practice anyway... coach tossed me a ball the other coach told me not to used and i pitched it saying the assistant coach told me not to use this one and it was ridiculous and everyone just continues to learn bad habits... coach told me leave (instead of addressing my frustration in any way meaningful way), so i left...

instead of addressing the laziness, the continued practice of perfecting bad habits, the lack of hustle to even get balls back to the pitcher to keep the flow of practice going, not to mention my standard complaint of me personally not getting any practice fielding at my position, not nearly enough batting practice and pitching way too much, he told me to just leave... that's the answer to a player who is frustrated... that's the second time he did that and it was at the same field last time... obviously driving down to those crap fields is not in my best interest... but to keep the laziness and poor play on the field (which basically validates that it is acceptable) and to tell the one hustling and pushing others to hustle to leave, that's preparing a team to go to the world series...

and i drive 30+ minutes wasting gas/money and pushing the car that is begging for some servicing for this?... and i am paying hundreds for a trip to watch this same laziness and well-practice bad playing in washington?... i am most pissed off at myself for getting myself into this situation - a team that doesn't take the game seriously should be playing just for the fun of it and not be spending lots of money thinking they actually have a chance at a world series... ah, money, sigh, alas, dangit...

and now that i've vented we come to the bottom line... if i was working and had money to burn i probably would not have let the frustration get to me as much, but that's my problem not anyone elses... it's the first week of the month and bills were due... having to take $2000 out of savings this week seems to be the undercurrent frustration and i shouldn't have spent the money or push the car to drive that far this weekend... missing a practice is better than going to one where half the team doesn't show and those who show are being lazy... missing a practice is better than venting at one... having nobody to talk to about this is very sad... and frustrating... and having nobody understand in life around here really sucks... i just expect too much from people... like maybe someone asking what's wrong when i am obviously upset about something... i suppose that is too much to expect from people i've known and played with for years...

alone again, naturally... wah wah, digestion required...

narf...

early morning tomorrow

yes, long drive for minimal softball practice, just like last week... and the car was overheating tonight on the way to and back from the party so i must add water before leaving and i must buy more coolant and add that after the car cools tomorrow after i get back home before the afternoon playoff games (if they are not rained out this week like they were last week, aye?)... and the brakes are sounding like they need a check up and yeah, the car needs work and i should not be driving frivolously... and i will need gas too, which is so very unwise... i will decide whether i drive the long ride to support the team or not in the morning... i mean, seriously, sooner or later i will have no more to give... alas...

meanwhile, i am hungry... emotional hunger, perhaps, but not all as i did not eat a meal today (yesterday, that is, as today has only just cracked into view)... all i did was snack... sleep would be wise too...

i think i ate pasta...

fun night

friends bought a big new house, sweet layout, lots of land, really beautiful space inside and out... the housing market helped them as the house listed for $600K not long back and they got it for $400K... i remember when i had that sort of life, a house, great credit, money in the bank... it all went south wehen i went north, so to speak... but anyway, i do my best not to focus on my giving everything away too much and personal challenges and focus more on the blessings friends are keeping... yup, don't wallow over spilled milk or lament over the way this life is rather imbalanced for me, stay positive and enjoy the friends who chose the normal path... i may find my partner someday and whatever we share (house, street, woods, whatever) will be enough for me... so where were we?...

ah yes, a fun night... housewarming... beautiful place... and fun with friends... i got there too late for the good food mostly because of traffic... i goit stuck at a broken rairoad crossing and that delayed me almost an hour with the car overheating and then i had to go a half hour further to get to a supermarket cuz i couldn't find one on route and so, the food was cooked and i had a cold sausage and lots of odds and ends... he would have made me something fresh if i wanted but i didn't want to waste food and a lot was cooked and sitting in a pan so... am i whining again?...

it was a fun night, really it was :)

narf, dangit! lol lam :)

arena football is strange

they appear to have defensive backs (and running backs as well, but that's another story) who do not play, though they are on the field... it seems a receiver, at least one, is wide open (and running open) on every play... i just watched a receiver run through four defensive players twenty yards into the end zone... apparently tackling skills are not a priority for defensive players... on many plays it appears to be a touch-0tackle type of game, yet the offensive player can run through touches (and attempted tackles) on other plays... and this is the playoffs... it is a much faster game offensively and there is some excitement in that but it is kind of ridiculous and looks like an exhibition much of the game... the first semi-final game is over, the score 69 - 65... the second game looks like it might be a higher score... though what is really weird is they don't seem to be able to run the ball at all... weird game... i wonder if this is what the nfl will become eventually as they put more and more restrictions on how the defense can hit and tackle... and maybe that is for the nest, but it's still like watching sandlot ball and not anything i'd want to pay for...

i used to enjoy flag football, though we called it touch-tackle and didn't use flags... i have reached a point where that game is not so fun for this body anymore as diving for balls and falling and bumping a lot is more pain than fun... and much more potential injury, alas (what a drag it is getting on, aye?)... ah, at least i still have my softball... and tennis and racketball and basketball and assorted other games... never give up, never surrender, ya know?...

narf :)

where is your head

it may be a mistake to watch the ridiculous espn soap opera channel these days as the scores and actual sports news is so overshadowed by the blood lust that permeates the culture in the usa (can the comparison to the blood lust at the fall of the roman empire be ignored for long?)... the prolonged public smearing of a-rod is obviously corporate-based, the yankees trying to get out of paying him, major league baseball looking for a scapegoat to hide it's long-time acceptance of drugs, and the media is buying into it... this culture loves to tear down heros and find fault with others... even worse is how the media is trying to tear down johnny football before he even gets to the point where he can earn money in his chosen profession... the pretentious vultures at espn are representative of the culture obsessed with reality-tv, drama, and negative news...

why do i turn on the tv? lol lam... personally, i'd be much better off getting out for a speed walk or jog for an hour rather than catching up on sports scores or watching the mindless culture on television... all laughter aside though, it seems the more i let in, the more negative i get... that is not good... but i do not want to give up on humanity... i do not want to believe humans are a cancer... i do not want to avoid intimate human contact... i do not want to accept that people will only bring me down because they are more afraid, insecure, paranoid, and negative than me... i want to believe there is a positive human being who can add to my positivity... someone who can inspire me and take me higher...

ah, and i laugh and stick my tongue in my cheek and only slightly sarcastically say... it's challenging to be high all the time :)

narf :)

timing could be better

eating a later lunch, yummy baked chicken, parmesan pasta, peas and mushrooms, was not the best timing for softball... especially when adding a yo-yo for dessert... sleep was slamming me and the eyes could barely stay open in the last hour before i needed to get ready to go... skipping a shower for a semi-nap left me even less refreshed... code red helped, though luckily it was a scrimmage, and a short one at that... hit eh at the batting cages but much better at the field... but then, it wasn't really a scrimmage either... in the bottom of the first just after i hit a double up the middle and knocked in our only run, the catcher walked out to the pitcher's mound and a few minutes later he was on his knees with a baseball in his hand... he opened the baseball like a ring box and low and behold, there was a ring... the old fake softball scrimmage marriage proposal, gotcha... wonderful life moments... and i almost woke up a bit...

speaking of time, in fact, great timing in this case... i hope you have the intelligence and security to admit it (unless you have your head up your, well, unless your sense of humor is up there too), all political leanings, partisanship, and issues aside, stephen colbert has some of the best writers on tv today and he has one of the best deliveries around today... seriously, the word play, the intelligent juxtaposion of language, the sarcasm, and his comedic timing (oh, remember timing?) is outstanding... tonight the anti-porn movement is making it harder to google... making it harder... yeah, see, it's all about timing... and being there...

so what's up with you? :)

reaching back a bit

i still feel chills and cry when i truly i experience this video and i seldom watch it, just listening in the background... it's the music and memories, more than the video, that reaches me... sometimes oi want my tears back, if you know what i mean... back in the day when john lennon asked how can we go forward when we don't know which way we're facing? i thought i understood what it meant but now, years later, i see so many more layers to the question... yes, i paused the playlist i've been listening to all morning (sunshine, aye?) at the #9 dream to find some more john to listen too.. is is second only to harry in touching me with words and music, though there are times jackson browne has been second and even first on this impromptu, but very permanent list of core influences_... not forgetting justin hayward and the moody blues though, who sometimes reach that #1 spot too... and so many others...

slacking off on linkages, i know... perhaps that will be remedied later, but for now, the mind wanders through the music and memories...

sweet :)

enjoying music and videos

after the previous entry i realized there were millions of songs missing, but at least a couple non-harry songs were clearly mentioned and integral aspects of the message i was trying to convey so i went searching and found a youtube channel that inspired me to send a personal message (first on in years) that went something like this:

thank you

i hope you don't mind that i fall in love with you simply for your love of the moody blues and some the other things you've uploaded here... it is a harmless far-away love, but nonetheless sincere and full of respect and appreciation and dreams :)

I laugh at myself for writing that and yet send it anyway because I want to say thank you in a way that shows how much finding your youtube means to me a this moment... I may disappear from youtube and cyberspace for periods of time, but i shall remember to revisit you again :)

Thank you for adding a huge smile to my world :)

ric
407-325-1482

yes, something like that... and yes, i included my telephone number kind of instinctively... maybe this will help explain why... and those are just the popular videos this person i've never met uploaded... all i was looking for was this one, but then i started exploring and this entry sort of explains why i spent an hour or two on the site... i wonder if degnities was a typo for dignities... or simply an alternative spelling... so i looked it up... and found a facebook page, so i liked... even looked it up here and here... unfortunately, throughout the searching and listenng and watching, brighthouse made maintaining an enjoyable connection a challenge, but the positivity of the journey was still of primary import... so very much the point...

hope your morning inspired your smiles too :)

thank you harry and friends

memories can be some of the most wonderful inspirations for emotional experiences and listening to harry chapin music can bring instant excitement, relaxation, and tears to my eyes like the release of a hug from an old friend... and sometimes, wonderfully, it can be an old friend that helps bring back the peace and pleasure and centered solace of acceptance and joy that allows perhaps the most beautiful perspective the human mind can achieve in this life, a wonderfully wonder-filled contentment and satisfaction that allows for pause and a sense of completeness in the moment with just enough undercurrent energy of the innocence of hope and excitement and anticipation of more sharing, caring, and memories to provide incentive and motivation to continue... it is a moment of sorting through the clutter of the mind and bringing a sense of order to the filebox that is the mind and a peaceful understanding of the experience of this life... and when i rearrange the pieces of the puzzle of my past, i can smile at the heartaches and relive the laughs and harry chapin's words in his story songs help more than any other single individual source of aide or inspiration...

i do remember when the music - and words (thank you beegees) - mattered much more than they seem to matter today... still, there is a certain dissociative madness to my perspective, a carefree contentment with self that allows me to understand that anything and everything we do in this world is as meaningful or meaningless as we want it to be and what determines the meaning is the sharing we do... the tree falling in the forest has no meaning until it is shared, even if just in the concept of this thought... and perhaps that is why i've never been driven (but then, maybe i'm wrong, aye moody blues? lol lam) to do anything in this world on any must have some meaning scale unless there was some hope of sharing (the sharing that is what life is all about, after all) and perhaps that is what relating to myself as (and actualizing in this life) a shooting star (however my actions may be viewed) represents to me... the hope for sharing remains... but then, i've always been someone who thought that when someone is too far gone to actually want to fit into this world, that's a good thing...

sudden game fun

curly texted and woke me about playing games tonight... that was about ten hours ago and i was so bleary tired i wondered if i could have any fun, but i wanted to head out and play so i did and here we are, more than ten hours later, and much fun was had playing spades, hearts, and a game called agricola (i think... that is, i thin k the game is called agricola, the fun i am sure about)... pizza and mountain dew helped...

though mental fatigue was evident curly's son (who is 12, but getting good at cards) and i did not win... we were getting terrible cards and curly and another guy were getting spades hands that were easy 9's and 10's and they were underbidding and dumping tricks but still had something like 15 bags... but it was more than just bad luck and getting stuck with unwinnable hands, i was sleepy and not focused... i did win the final game of hearts by successfully shooting the moon though...

see how tired i am, much fun, yet still wah wah wah... that's the loneliness of coming home ya know (sigh, alas, smile knowingly)... i hope you did something for yourself that was fun tonight...

narf and all :)

ice cream lunch

oh yeah, chocolate trinity with some yo-yo and a keebler fudge stick made for a wonderful lunch today... sleep?... i still have not gotten more than a few moments of sleep in since yesterday, though i paused my firefly watching marathon because i was nodding off and losing the storyline too often... i checked on sports scores and found espn as soap opera crappy as ever (i think they set a record for saying the phrase "locker room" in a single segment) talking much more about personalities and emo and drama and character and personality and anything else rather than about sport... like asking a young girl, "what's the toughest part about that" with that being her father is dying of cancer... like mtv, it's ridiculously off topic...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

`

loading all night

uploading, downloading, unloading, whatever we call it, it took hours, but fifty entries were uploaded in other blogs tonight... yes, finally the daily poop blog was flooded with poop (formal announcements might come at some future date i suppose) and is well underway... and a few emo rhymes went out to the ethers and anyone who finds them... i was falling asleep shortly after getting home from the game last night and decided to drink a little code red and then started watching firefly (the whole series was recorded over the weekend) and then i wrote a bit and something that was said last night rose up nagging at me cuz it made no sense and put me down and i don't understand why people do that, i mean say unnecessary things that put other people down... like how unattractive someone is to you... or how someone does not turn you on... like if it ever happens to you don't you just want to ask who asked? (like as in who the fuck asked you? or more seriously and politely (and logically and rationally and sensitively and empathically), why mention it?... and especially why mention it in from of the person who is so unattractive that they have to be told to their face... i mean, laughing, of course... as a joke, of course... but why say it?... and why repeatedly say it, for that matter?... and oh, did i get lost in a parentheses again?)...

ummmm, so anyway, i was uploading a lot of shit last night... and there is a whole lot of laughter in that, so nevermind all the emo and sensitivity cuz there's no need for it here (in this blog or on this planet) anyway... plenty of caring can be done without the deepest levels of awareness and sensitivity and so, cut the crap (what? lol) and pay attention to the links i have not put into this entry cuz they might be popped in somewhere else when we are least expecting... not that this is candid camera, but it is exposed in a strange ass-backward way, after all...

good morning, aye?...

narf :)

brighthouse and google

it's a broken record for a broken system... the brighthouse system, again... it's just so frustrating and time wasting and way too expensive and so on... all i ask is for the service i pay for to work when i want it to and not suddenly prevent me from watching the end of a show, but that's too much for brighthouse to provide...

so then there's google stats... i created a blog and posted one post, just one entry... other entries will follow, in fact, there are many in the pipeline, but i let it be for a couple of months and i learned that google stats truly are meaningless... let's see... the blog stats says that blog has had seventy-four (74) pageviews all time, yet the only entry has had nine (9) pageviews all time...

and i was enjoying the firefly marathon too...