neck ache

maybe write later...

distracted by milla

there are a few people in this world who can grab my attention and time just passes and some do it from afar through video and words and milla jovovich is one... mila kunis and what's her name from almost famous and now a tv show too, but they are beside the point at the moment... yeah, i know, i really ought to do better than what's her name cuz what's her name is no way to treat a friend, right, but hey, she'd get it and laugh ya know?... oh zooey, should i say pardon the laughter now or just get back out of this parenthetic aside?)...

right, so milla (whatever happened to that sorta nerdy-cool oddball kennedy, anyway?... la radio?) has always been one of the coolest artists in the world for me (if you understand what i mean by way beyond the fantasy, maybe you get it) and the past hour or so i lost myself in finding dozens of songs and videos and that's just one more reason i love her (as joni mitchell sang, she sings for free) and wow, remembering how much i love music again is a wonderful alternative to sleep, even on a work night... and so often i wish someone would come along with that level of understanding (and so much more) and want to share it with me (especially when i find myself staying up all night excited by music and hello?)

... hello... hello...

but seriously, whatever else you do, don't fade away...

cycles cycle

for you too, i imagine... but this is my blog, so what about me?... i sense i am slipping back into my solitary written world again (in case you wanted to know) as i am returning to writing more often, but still not automatically writing daily and no longer checking email or all the blogs each night as i was doing when you were in your sharing mode... still, here i am... just cuz i tossed food in the oven and had to poop and i carried the laptop to the potty doesn't mean i don't love ya, ya know? :)

another work day... the boss was surprisingly civil and i ignored the passive aggressive director and professionally bonded a bit more with the new directors and the doctor, which is excellent, but it's such an unpredictable mix... i really would be better off out of there, but the market is so bare...

yup

last entry finished within the hour as i fell asleep before finishing, but here's another cuz the babbler woke ever so slightly this week and i think there's more to come this weekend (alas, work in a few hours puts a cork in the babbler for tonight i think) and this is good (except for the cork, i think) and the babbler misses you (maybe most of all)...

more to follow, as so often is and was the case, will you ever really know?...

hope so :)

another month

actually, another year, almost... i've been writing more lately... jackson was here yesterday and today and she's back in jax tonight and flies back north tomorrow... it was great to see her and her visit got me to finally clean the place up, which is a unique change for me... a good change, i think... i could actually invite someone over now and they'd have a place to sit and not look around wondering why there's so much chaos and clutter everywhere... nobody really wants to see below the surface anyway ya know... maybe that's why i finally realized i am looking for nobody :)

ok, maybe somebody does, just not here in the physical world these days, ok?... i was off today, but went in for a few hours and took care of stuff so everybody else could have the day off... gonna play a game now, tv has reached the point of boring enough so that i am wondering why i pay for cable... so what's up with you? :)

hope all is well :)

something like this

an entry of pieces put together something like this...

and got home from work and put food in the over and went to the bathroom and started an entry (cuz my hands are free so why not make use of the few minutes, aye, and if that is tmi, well, oh well, you should probably not read my other blog/journal/diaries then, narf) but i did not finish the entry i started elsewhere before i wandered back to the living room and picked up the game controller, so here it is hours later after i nodded off and went to bed and woke at 3am-ish (as opposed to 3 amish) and feel a bit bloated and not ready to lay back down (still not used to sleeping in a bed and still no actual comfortable bed going on seventeen years now... wow, i guess... so much supposed sadness i accept as just the way it is that so few, if anyone, understands) and the middle of the night blurry wanting to share feeling brings me to the keyboard (with the game controller right next to me, ah, thank goodness for my love of numbers and escapes so my loneliness can still be laughed off by the little kid indulged this way now more than ever... i choose to care, i choose to share, i choose to write, it feels alright, good night, nite nite... tbc?)...

and the phone was busy tonight as a local friend called about new years and she seems to be of the same mind set that staying home alone and relaxing is more appealing than driving somewhere 40-50 minutes away as that is where she lives and the other parties are about equally distant) and then ancient family called to discuss the 'estate' that i will have almost no part of and i acknowledged that i will sign off on him taking the condo which is what he called about (we've spoken maybe twice in twenty years, which is more often than most of the adopted family i left behind long ago for many rational and healthy reasons) and that is the way it is, or something like it)...

my lemonade is still the sweetest around so far, so i can only hope yours is good too if your life has not been perfect (and if it has bee, wow, how'd that happen? :)

gonna go play now, it's about 3am and i am wide awake after a nice nap... hope you are enjoying your life as much (if not more) than i enjoy mine... and yes, i do want to know, in case you think nobody does (i do silly, stop feeling so alone)... kit (as in keep in touch), at least with yourself (see, it's something like this), and i'll be around again sometime...

cuz it's better this way :)

(or something like that :)

just play the game

it is not that i attract selfish people, i just tolerate them longer than most so after a while, the selfish people are all that is left cuz they have driven away the unselfish people... probably why i should not stay at any one place for too long, so is eleven years too long, i wonder... was supposed to be off today but went in for a few hours cuz nobody else would... having jackson here was a wonderful change... we ate sushi and talked a bit, but mostly she caught up on sleep and reassured herself that she wanted to move back down here... the living space looks so different cuz i finally actually did pick up and clean up and that seems to be a good change... and so now, i relax after dinner with my game... if i am not past this game phase when she moves back down next month i'll probably get a new tv... oddly the old tv seems to have fixed itself somewhere along the way over the last couple of days as there is no longer wiggly lines at the top of the screen... anyway, i hope your holidays are fun too :)

writing the record

perhaps... all this is writing the record of the life i kinda sorta seem to think of or at least consider mine from time to time... and tonight, i wrote and recorded and (why this is bullsugar! no doubt), but really, i did do lots more writing tonight than i have in weeks and even though i write a few words daily, i have not been connecting dots or digging deeper or playing creatively or having the fun with words i used to have regularly mostly because i am devoting so much time to work, social life away from the computer, and that dang lovable statistically addictive video game (did i mention jackson, ----, and i played a bit of xbox without controllers tonight... amazing, exercise and invasion of privacy all in one box lol, i mean, do those photos get sent anywhere we don't know about when the box is connected to the internet?... how many people play their xbox nude or nearly nude... i see a hoard of voyeur hackers watching you playing your xbox now, but anyway) and since the world is not banging down my door for more pearls of wisdom of any sort of writing (hello world, are you still there?), i drift into the physical plane now and then... i know, blasphemy for the writer, but hey, go ahead and call me on it if you want more words (snark snark)...

a wonderful night in a wonderful life, even outside of the movies and written gardens... wish for more sharing of it all, but enjoying it all by myself too... hope you find your record of the life you loosely (or fervorently, as in with much fervor, ya know?, for that matter) call yours as rich and rewarding and fun as i find mine...

seriously, be blessed :)

poor baby

not me for a change, but jackson... she is so tired... been sick (nagging lingering northern winter chest congestion stuffy clogged head bug) and stressed and not sleeping much and even on vacation woke every moring way too early cuz of babies in the family so tonight is her first night back here and she conked out... not sure when she needs to get up in the morning cuz she has a busy day (interview and testing for her new job) and she'll be gone by the afternoon...

watching monday night football cuz she is a bigger sports nut than i am but also cuz this game decides my fantasy football championship (did i mention i am in the championship game in the fantasy football league we are in?... she is in another one and is in the championship game there... between our two games we have nine or ten players who are playing in the game tonight who factor into the final scores in our leagues... so far i have a good lead and there's just 11 more minutes to go in the game... jackson is behind, but has a second week in her other league... this is it for the one we are in together... and then there is a 27 year old record for passing yardage in a season about to be broken...

and so here we are, writing words instead of playing the ncaa football game... still no interest in the facbook and other online communication worlds... the novelty has passed once again (they come and go on the net, from the beginnings of the bbs world to the aol and newsgroups worlds to the chatrooms and boards and communities and so on... then the mini-networking giants and blogs... and the friendsters and meetups and other next-level social networking... then the mega-sites, myspace, then facebook... i am ready for whatever comes next...

and how about you? :)

headache lingers

maybe it's too much cleaning up and not enough going out and having fun with friends... surviving and the place, (at least the kitchen, living room, dining room, and bathrooms are), is much less cluttered and much cleaner... awaiting jackson's visit... just sitting around waiting at this point... headache go away... slept through her first call so she's doing other stuff with others and bringing them here, sheesh, not really, no, really...

are you having fun yet? :)

wonky ouchy

woke with a headache, neck ache, wonky ouchy feeling and not sure why... ear screaming louder than usual... slight belly discomfort... weird, but partly may be due to sleeping poorly... maybe cuz i left the tv on, but more cuz the phone kept making noise cuz of texts and at least one call... not fair cuz i really moved a lot and did not vege much and i have so much to do today and i feel all whiney and crabby and achy and unrested and most of all, wonky ouchy...

odd i choose to return to frequent updating and even some babbling this weekend?... coincidences again?... asking the void cuz even i am not interested in answers, just interested in feeling better... ever been here?...

shower time?...

getting stuff done

yup, the tv is on (ncis) which was just interrupted by wwe which really turns me off so i switched channels and what do i find (not eight tiny reindeer, though it's about that time, aye?), but you've got mail (another all-time favorite, though i love sleepless in seattle more... where are you movie partner?... sigh... or meg ryan, for that matter :)

lots getting done around here... laundry down to just a couple of loads of towels and bedding stuff and the kitchen is half sparkly and more than half the stuff has been put away (even folded and hung up the clothes, yeah, even the socks and underwear)... lit candles and incense and spent a comfy night at home (actually making it homey-ish) for the first time in a long long time... putting stuff away and cleaning up is kinda like moving in and starting over and that's a wonderful and exciting feeling... also a little lonely, but not so much tonight cuz it's been so long since i did it :)

i love this movie lol :)

just in case

you noticed, that is (see previous entry, perhaps)... and i am laughing at the coincidence (whether there are coincidences can be discussed another time) of the title (someday you may understand if you read through to the last and outlive me) but not thinking the same thoughts that prompted the other, i wonder...

anyway, the life continues and today was filled with long overdue work around the living spaces, laundry, unpacking, packing, cleaning, and rearranging stuff (and some cooking) cuz it is time to do what i've been putting off for weeks (so the football on tv was keeping me company rather than the xbox game occupying the body and mind... i decided to stay with the football cuz if i turned on one of the many movies (it's a wonderful life, the sound of music, forrest gump, miracle on 34th st, a christmas story, the fifth element {every one a favorite, four all-time favorites... i'll let you guess which those are} and other stuff, but luckily tv does suck and torturous hacket job on movies i don't feel i am missing any movies when they are on tv cuz when i do watch if the editing does not turn my stomach, the commercials ruin the movie experience... but still, love those movies and really ought to watch some more often and wish i had another movie loving friend to share the couch {and theatres} and that's what turning on the tv for the first time in weeks brought to mind today) i might not continue doing the house work, ya know?...

so just in case you noticed, thanks :)

maybe it's time to continue, aye? :)

noticing

noticing that the last blog i wrote in besides the dailies was body thoughts (though that might be a daily in another state of mind when exercise was exercised and recorded daily, like a couple of years ago perhaps, aye?) heightens awareness that i am writing less and online less in the last month or two than i have been in maybe a decade or longer...

anybody else notice? :)

oh?

oh?

enjoying myself

as in, alone, offline, and happy to be here... fun weekend, lots of activity with friends, yummy food... fun games... and home much of the same (sans the friends)... and i paused on my home fun to turn on the computer (yes, cuz i went to the bathroom, so be it) and after five minutes on facebook i moaned and after ten i left... so much hate, so much cruelty, so much negative energy, it is getting as bad as the news... i hardly go to the facebook site anymore and the last ten minutes will keep me away even longer... too many people choosing to be unhappy and sharing their unhappiness...

so how are you? :)

too much fun, not enough time

just getting home from a birthday party for five three friends and then all night car-playing marathon... fun, yet what about today (and sleep?)... gotta nap a bit and wake to take precious to lunch or dinner for her birthday... and the cleaning that must be done cuz stuff has been piling up for months?... sheesh, maybe i won't sleep this weekend and week and la la la someone is overtired giddy just too little time and not enough fun slap-happy :)

and how are you? :)

give and give some more

though i do find a little take in there, it's not shared so it doesn't count as much in the thought concept of the cultural phrase if you know what i mean... so i give the day off back to work, but just a few hours, and sleep in an extra two hours or so and then shop about an hour or so (amazing how food keeps disappearing from the shelves around here... and amazing how easy it is to spend $300 on replacing stuff... three trips from the car to the door later, the cabinets, fridge, and freezer are not so bare)... played a bit of game and then napped the past two hours or so and sitting here drip drying from an almost hot shower (the water here never really gets hot by my standards and the washer dryer is in the way of the control, dangit)... must leave for a friend's surprise party in a few minutes... kinda sorta wanna be on time as walking in when he gets there would be kind of spoiling the surprise, aye?... tomorrow i take precious out for her birthday... must clean this weekend though... need several full days, so might not sleep much... time time time, it's never enough...

and how are you? :)

blessed are the ones who remember to feel

actually, this was gonna be titled blessed with another potty break cuz that is what brings me to the keyboard and away from the game, but hey, there's a much deeper memory wanting to smile without any foul odors on this date so i found another more suitable title and even though this paragraph kind of distracts from it (who me?), the blessing is no less... remembering is almost as good as being there... yeah, almost :)

almost arranged the three day weekend, almost gave myself the choice between cleaning the space or diving into written gardens and distracting myself with the fun of the game... but must wake tomorrow sometime for a bit of work at the office so i shall not abandon all responsibility tonight, alas, and perhaps that is why i remain alone... though all evidence points to the opposite conclusion and if i was a bit more responsible way back when, well, imagine the different life that would have been... not for me, perhaps, as i made the choices i made... or did i? (smirking giggle?... oh my, whoever understands drop your drawers now lol lam laa narf :)

singing... nobody knows the tubbles i've been... or babbles i've blogged, for that matter... but all in all, it's been the best life i can remember well and so, yay for random chance or cosmic planning or the genius of instinct... meanwhile, i wonder about you... feel free to fill me in anytime :)

the botts theory

something for another blog, no doubt, but here i am less and less these days so i start out here with whatever is on my mind and meld into the daily (e)thereal life as i mozey on through the keystrokes... anyway, perhaps if i had a laptop permanently in the bathroom, i would blog more often... yup, that's the botts theory all right... i mean, in case you wondered...

so another day blitzed with people with serious issues and unhappiness and power trips and other people not knowing how to handle them, therein triggering conflicts and power struggles so unnecessary and counterproductive and unhealthy, alas, but still i accomplished more than i set out to accomplish (half the secret of genius is knowing how to set reasonable goals while still shooting for the moon, aka, head in the clouds but feet on the ground make for best view and best footing... might have read that somewhere, like a fortune cookie, but be that as it may, be, even, feel free to take these little parenthetic secrets with you, free, even... not to say a donation of a few kind words in the comment box would be frowned upon, not at all, in fact, wanna see me smile some more? :)

and home almost excited about being off tomorrow, but alas, the power tripping set me up to have to go in (do they just like trying to manipulate others and mess with people?... who knows)... i shall go in for an hour or two and accept a full days pay though, so it's a fair trade...

and suddenly i hear my brain asking who's that knocking on my door and by the time i get there, nobody is at the door... wrong door?... maybe they wanted a neighbor?... don't see anyone outside selling anything (it's a gated community, after all, seldom get sales peoples)... anyway, imagine that, a phantom knocker interrupting this important work... well, now that i am back in the living room, time for the game... make your life the way you want it to be too, every moment, cuz you can... don't be afraid of change, just follow your wisdom, intelligence, desire, dream, instincts, and most of all, your heart... that's the way to happiness... really it is, no matter what bumps get in the way... hope you find it too :)

oh, that last stuff wasn't part of the botts theory, by the way, but it's worth knowing and actualizing... try it if you haven't already, ok? :)

alases and laughter

life is work and the video game, though last night a friend and i went out for sushi and plum wine... i forgot how much i like plum wine... still is alcohol though and i am still not an alcohol fan, but it is so yummy... so was the sushi... and the friend, though she was a very sad girl as she is done with love in a profoundly seriously final way (just staring through teary eyes at the obvious truth that no one can predict the future), alas... we can choose the path we walk and choosing to be alone is one path, somehow i am on it myself, so there is a profound connection or sorts and for a moment thinking really got me sad too (and i didn't even start digging into my lonelies and misfortunes of the heart, sigh, it has been quite a while since i did... and i got to thinking for a fleeting moment or two about how alone i am and wow, emotions are heavy... so why am i still laughing? (must be that sweet madness that has kept me free of forced medical care all these years... lol lam laa narf :)

seriously though, wow... i miss the roller coaster... i think :)

time running out on the weekend

so many things i wanted to do (and looking around the space, needed to do is i want to live here comfortably and cleanly and with others), but time is non-stop doing stuff today (didn't even turn on the tv and haven't touched the game since early this morning)... mostly i spent the afternoon searching for transportation to maine... no flights direct, no free flights on southwest (i have tickets i never use) and no easy way to get there... gonna take a whole day to travel with stops and transfers and then ground transport... alas... gonna try to fit my laptop in my carry-on since the dang airlines are charging for bags now and i refuse to take more than one... and of course not enough time to really develop the intimate social life i would life...

so anyway, frustrated with lack of time and so much not done and otherwise, good day... winning fantasy football (though i forgot to set my team again this week) and it's the first round of the playoffs... got the plane ticket after having to cancel one when i found out (not told until after purchase) that it would be an extra $25 per flight for each bag, seriously NOT... anyway, nobody move anywhere southwest doesn't fly and i'll be fine, ok? (laughing at me, are you? :)

gonna eat something now cuz in spite of the pigging out yesterday, i did not eat today so it's been more than 12 hours and i am hungry... at least with being on the computer half the day searching for transportation, i did stop in briefly in some blogs and there are new words floating around, in case you wanted to read some more...

so really, i hope your day is wonderful too :)

lols and alases

oh really?... no really?... oh ho ho ho :)

read me, read me (click here) and click through the links inside

no no, read and click through on the links in this one

no secrets here, move along

busy weekend, no time for much but the fun involved, though i frown upon arriving home due to the lack of me-time, writing time, and cleaning time (and the place is in a state of extremely obnoxious disarray alas and all, (so i remind myself to stay positive and amused as possible and focus on the fun, and being the silly irresponsible child that i am sometimes, it works :)

not inviting guests over though lol lam sigh :)

and you? :)

arriving home

after dinner, concert, party, and after party, i really ought to be ready for bed (if i slept in a bed, but that's a different colored horse), but instead i am bloated and wired and jonesing for some ncaa football video game so after providing a bit more fertilizer to an already over-fertilized planet i shall likely renew the acquaintance between my callouses and the controller so season whatever-it-is (eight or nine i think, the game keeps track and i can check stats when i want to and that's a large part of the fun for my number-loving brain and they don't have enough stats, really, but that horse as a different hue as well) can continue minimally abated from wherever it was i left off (game keeps track, again)... so goes the recently rearranged home life habits, at least until the middle of next month when another major change comes home... change is good (when we make it good and actually, good or not, change is constant so might as well make it good, aye?)...

fun fun fun cuz i make it that way (hope you do too :)

just for the record

and for the cd too, for that matter, the last few entries here have been quite meaningful to me, i think... seriously, i think... and we really shouldn't be laughing at me, unless it's serious laughter... don't dilute the seriousness when it comes, after all...

meanwhile, not enough time to have all the fun of the fair...

heading out to dinner and a concert, not sure where or who, will know when i get there and will let you know when i get back, or the next time i am here if i remember... feel free to remind me, text works best cuz i am intermittent on the computer these days (as if you haven't noticed)... do winter mittens rhyme with intermittent?... whatever, it's time to head out...

love you, miss you, hug you, kiss you... in a sing song friendly kind of way ya know :)

make today special :)

someday... no really, someday

there may be time for us, for sharing, for caring in real time (remember real time?) and laughter (without the stairway to heaven), yet the best laid plans to explain often go awry like most everything else when there is simply not enough time to do all that one wants to do (cuz worklife takes up so much time and aging requires more sleeptime every year to function without physical pain and live longer and i hope you all live long enough to understand what i mean, not that it'll make you all the wiser, but you can't really moan until you understand... and i mean any real moan, so fake it if you must children, and if you are not laughing, hopefully you will, someday :)

really i do :)

still love you

just because i am not here
doesn't mean i do not care
sometimes i just want a break
from the internet and the neck ache
in case i didn't actually make it clear (cuz i really haven't made it completely clear to myself, cuz denial is a powerful tool for the obsessed blogger ya know), too much computer hurts my neck... a lot... more and more with each passing month this past year... so i am breaking away a bit from sitting and typing... not that i could stay away for long, but just for a while, less time here, more time offline moving around more cuz moving around more hurts less and is healthy...

so how are you? (yes i really really really want to know, so be sure)...

never enough time

the party started at six according to the response to my text query that i sent at about five thirty, though there were early bird gamers already there playing some hard core adventure strategy board game that takes hours... and i said i'd be there around seven cuz i wanted to shower and also do a little more of a few things i was doing (searching for something for jackson and playing the game and cleaning a bit and relaxing a bit... softball was fun, though brief this morning, but i am still tired, though feeling better and digesting the pizza and pasta i ate for lunch)...

so what time is it?... well, i showered and am dripping dry as i write this... don't rush the pleasure, there is enough rushing through life in the work time... so i will be later than the late i intended and still, it is early on a saturday night and we shall have fun nonetheless...

cuz except in those rare moments with the one (or the one until the one arrives, alas), there is nenver enough time in this life to do all the things i want to do (those the one moments are the exception because all i want to do is be with the one if you follow the reality of the experience and understand what i mean)...

hope your weekend is full of fun too (make it so :)

morning catch up

woke early with a fatigue hangover headache and body ache, digestive or kidney ache, sniffles, either kidney stone issues or body head cold flu bugs, played game to distract, time to head out to softball to exercise it away (or die, but we hope for the first plan to work out ya know :)

time time time, never enough...

no matter what, make your day fun too :)

doritos for dinner

and gatorade, so it is a balances mostly vegetarian meal of corn and oils and whatever... the video game again occupies my time away from work and work was the expected ridiculous dump of insanity as i started catching up on work not done while i was away (bosses can get away with not doing what they don't want to do, after all, and the boss is my backup when i am away)...

time for fun and games, catch up later...