morning again

as opposed to mouring, i suppose... red roof inns might leave the light on, but their beds are super extra firm and their showers are super low volume (don't try to wash hair unless you have a buzz cut) and and their rooms are too small to walk around in for one, no less two (not to mention fifteen year old tvs, at least, and noisy air conditioners), but i believe we are more refreshed that we would have been if we slept at a rest stop in the wash and washed at a rest stop bathroom, so all is well and we'll be on the road again soon... still having much fun fun fun (it's a road trip, after all)... Maine ho...

hope your weekend is full of fun too :)

road trip

halfway to Maine and it's just getting hotter the farther north we go... too much pizza tonight and i feel (and look) six months pregnant, at least... sitting up may aid digestion... running several marathons would be better, but i did want to wake up in the morning to continue driving to Maine and not be buried tomorrow in Richmond, Virginia... sure i'm kidding... but if there are typos in this entry it's because i can't see the screen over my belly...

are we having fun or what? lol lam laa :)

sort of zombies

not really facing the emotions of leaving, of saying goodbye to everyone and everything, of leaving so much behind for me to sort through and feel and clean up and deal with (all around me now that i am catching up, but at the time, just driving together in the moments enjoying the road and the conversation and the signs mile after mile...

we leave florida behind to start a new life for her...

rushing keeps the thinking down

maybe that's why she did it this way... working the whole day and packing right up until the last minute and leaving so much stuff sitting around in half packed boxes all over the apartment on the couches and corners and everywhere (but you know, that makes the moment all the more powerful, memorable, and meaningful even if it will also be more challenging to adjust to the changes when i get back... must believe there is a method to the madness or my instinct would not be going along for the ride... and someday we'll all understand, like dan said)... rushing to pick up my car and rushing to load her car and rushing to eat and to drive up to her parents house for a few final moments and a nap and...

hey, my car seems fixed... and the aamco people lied... one of these days i'll catch up with myself and life in real time... when the dust settles... the dust in the wind, ya know...

and hitting the road...

daze of music

spent the last few nights ripping cds to this laptop cuz i didn't think of doing it in all the time i lived with jackson and we're moving her tomorrow... she's not quite ready to move as there are boxes of stuff everywhere that she will not have time to sort through before we have to leave, but i'll figure out what to do with all the stuff when i get back next week... hopefully rents will not shoot up here and i'll be able to keep the extra bedroom and i'll rearrange everything comfortably...

meanwhile, just getting home from pigging out at ale house at her going away party and feeling a little bloated and a whole lot exhausted so it's time for sleep as tomorrow is an insane day and this weekend is even more insane as we are not leaving much sleep time before or during our journey north...

i'll catch up on things when i have the time... how about you? :)

the farewell party

it was an open house at the ale house for a final farewell to anyone who could make it out and many did (and sadly, many could not cuz it was a thursday, after all, so once again i was wishing for more time for her to get the party and send off she deserved but we'll be on the road tomorrow so tonight was the best we can do and as for me, i'm not thinking about it... denial is sanctuary ya know, snark)...

since this was a catch-up post and the next was written in realtime, there may be even more redundancy than usual, but that's just the way it goes in the twilight zone, or whatever we shall call the place i go when i just want to live in the moment without thinking about anything else, especially not tomorrow or yesterday or emo stuff...

i do remember that did finally get my car to the mechanic this morning and they are keeping it overnight and hopefully it will be fixable for a reasonable amount so i don't have to keep paying so much for gas and don't have to stop living to pay the bills...

but we're not thinking about that tonight...

sigh, and all :}

halfway through

the long short week of not enough time to share and too many things to do and not thinking about the dramatic changes ahead and not going online to do anything so i cold enjoy the moments with happiness and the few moments jackson pauses between packing and texting and taking care of business... i remember wishing there was more time for her to pack and prepare and relax between jobs and more time for us to share, but there wasn't so i wasn't here, i was there...

whatever else happened, i was there :}

the day after yesterday

but not as far as tomorrow... yeah, if you get the old song reference you earn another rung on my own personal jacob's ladder to the center of me, or something like that... i remember less about this night than other nights and that's probably because i was home alone cuz jackson was saying goodbye to others and taking care of moving business and then packing when she got home, but i do remember playing with happiness a lot...

stayed away from the online world to immerse myself in life offline...

long short week...

long short week ahead

yeah, the week will be long in so many ways and yet, shorter than most as work will suck so much time and energy out of the final few days of living with jackson (and i didn't want to think about it so i didn't write any entries until more than a week after this week ended so i don't remember the details, only the good feelings of sharing the last week of living with jackson and happiness)...

i think we went to eat at sweet tomatoes tonight cuz it's one of her favorites...

the most (e)thereal

and you almost missed it (or maybe you always have)... the point... i whine and complaint and vent and rant and present all the negativity i see around me, negativity confronting me and presenting me with two choices, digest it, spit it back out, and move along my merry way or pretend i can ignore it and pretend it has no affect and let it swallow me alive (but then i wouldn't know, as least not consciously, like most everybody else)... the last dozen or so entries might explain, or at least be some sort of example of what i am referring to... it, in case you missed it...

and it is when i just write what is going on, inside, outside, within, without, not thinking about how many words or how many entries or whether the writing is presentable or appealing or interesting or whatever, not even realizing i am putting these words out here for you to read, that it it is the most real, the most (e)thereal...

if you don't get that, you probably miss it all...

i should sleep now :)

almost missed it

the game, that is... or to be more precise, the game that wasn't... see, moments before clicking publish for the last entry i fell asleep and woke about twenty minutes later realizing there was no time to change or shower or anything cuz i slept the twenty minutes i might have changed and showered and anything so i had to rush out the door to get to the field (and then i hear from the manager that he'll be there ten minutes before the game to make the lineup, but the good news was that the first game was going fifteen minutes long (at least) so, whatever)... and then, the other team (the team we were scheduled to play) did not show... so we win by forfeit... i didn't have to stay awake fighting fatigue and sleep... didn't have to drive to the field (at 8 mpg, every 8 miles costs $3.60+)... and i could have been happily asleep and not eating absotively delicious meatball pepperoni pizza with multiple extra cheeses on garlic bread crust, omg, and maybe lost a pound instead of gained a few cuz i'll be asleep in a little while...

but then, you'd know all this if you lived here or if you cared to take the time to share life as i know it (and vice versa, i'd know yours) and we'd be friends, true friends, and wouldn't that be nice?... heck, we wouldn't even have to fall in love (if you are laughing too, you may belong here... step right up and say hello to the blog family... introduce yourself to me, even :)

ah, if the world only knew the mirror they see when they look at me is precisely as the talmud said, we see things not so much as they are, but as we are... and as dan fogelberg said, someday they all will understand... wisdom comes in many forms from many writers of a few wise words... the bliss remains, even after the glitter fades :)

hope you understand too :)

and then, now

home from a fun practice, exhausted, ready for a nap (eyes closing, vision blurry, head pounding, strain/'pains in the major organs that have pain sensors), but some of the the sunday afternoon softball team doesn't respect the planning and time involved in getting ten-twelve people on a field at the same time cuz some never respond to the texts jackson sends out to confirm they will be playing (or do we need to find a last minute replacement)... it is time consuming, disrespectful, and distracting right up to the moment i take the field cuz the lineup must wait for everyone to show...

so no sleep, major pains in the head and crampy pains in the chest and grumpiness and blurriness and oh well, hopefully the rest of the team will enjoy the game and had a good sunday afternoon cuz mine has been spent trying to fight off sleep while texting players to see if they will play today... accountability is missing from humanity in so many ways on so many levels...

late, i shall enjoy (maybe even share) more...

blitz sleep

like power sleep, except faster and more blitzy... off to softball practice now... gonna be a hot day... i'll nap after practice and before the afternoon game (so the head and heart don't explode cuz stroking out is not my intention for today)...

hope you make yours fun too...

singing the songs

yes, this was good...

i'll fill you in sometime, but suffice to say for the moment it involved the rat pack (from the 50's), jack benny, groucho, elvis, johnny carson, and various others on youtube... also a conversation on facebook... all will be revealed (or linked) as time permits... gonna attempt an hour of sleep now...

t.b.c....

almost home

year, feeling it coming back again as the last week of sharing space approaches... jackson is up with her parents tonight and i'm just getting home from a game night and feeling hungry cuz i didn't eat dinner and there wasn't dinner food at the game night and i didn't eat the snack foods so some leftover pastrami (ate the leftover fish this afternoon before napping before the party)...

life changes approaching again, hopefully for the better :)

closer to waking bliss

even then, just waking now, will be gone tomorrow (or at least temporarily disconnected, as bob might say)... and in a bit will help jackson load up her car to take stuff to her mom's for storage/shipping (just one week left before the big move up north) and then most likely a party later... for now, enjoying the blissful just waking up moments after sleeping in (first time in a while, no doubt)... life is so full of things to do, so much fun to be had, wish there was more time for me and you, hope you are not going mad and more happy than sad...

it's all a matter of perspective, ya know? :)

narf :)

beyond ozone

more interesting stuff is elsewhere, but here you can find me... else the situations... cuz the meaningfulness of the moments was the message most worth hearing and when i am bursting at the seams with energy, if not enthusiasm, yet still fatigue-leaden due to long-term over-work, i will often pass out (as in nod off in mid-typing) before the overall experience is fully realized...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

don't you be fooled

it's this, i mean, like just cuz a follower or friend stops following or unfriends you, that's no reason to fret or feel less or lower your self esteem or feel worthless or kill yourself, what?... oh wait, i wasn't getting carried away there, was i?... no, only the dead and wasted get carried away... and the really really sick... and some unconscious ones, not all, cuz plenty of unconscious ones walk around, after all, some in positions of great power even, but i digress a bit, or a lot, even...

wonderful to be home at only a little after five... feels like a vacation... almost... if i wasn't so exhausted... softball in a couple of hours... potty and drink and rest and dinner later and enjoy the weekend... that's the plan... good one...

you? :)

busy head

so many thoughts racing through the brain, so much going on inside the head, so many sites seen and unseen... there must be time to live before i die or life would not be fair, right?... what's that?... life is not fair?... oh well, maybe i'll get another shot at it and be a selfish cutthroat bastard and make millions and have lots of leisure time if reincarnation of a sort happens... or whatever, i could be starving in some slum or dessert too... everything is relative in it's own way... beautiful, too...

so i nodded off and went to bed and thoughts of this and that filled my head and sleep went away so i came here to play and wandered facebook and links galore and now i know what i'm here for... to share, to care, to share is what i adore... so maybe it's time for bed again, but i want to share more...

la la la... how are you? :)

push

times change (I didn't mean to write that to myself, really)...

meanwhile, in the rut race that is so wrong turn at albuquerque of me, life continues to be all about more work than any one person should be asked to do and skipping meals and eating huge yummies at night then passing out until morning when the cycle starts over again and every now and then the thought-question related to how long will the body keep going before it collapses crosses the mind...

this is what boring must be like (here, something else to read...

narf :)

thanks, universe

here, read this instead (it's so much more interesting than the real world crap :)

either the universe wants to kill me or test me or push me just enough to keep me from giving up and dying on my own... here i was nicely passing out exhausted from too many hours at work (and actually getting some sleep this week cuz i am passing out right after dinner, like 9 or so, at least i did monday, not yesterday though, but today) and i woke and headed to bed and the phone rings and wouldn't you know it, i remembered to turn the ringer back on (and i've forgotten to do that most nights) and it's probably cuz i had just told the universe that i feel like this but precious is stranded downtown because the bus she takes from work to downtown was an hour late and the last bus out of downtown had already left and the bus station closes before her bus gets there so there's not even a safe place to wait or walk to which is pretty dang stupid and negligent on the part of the city of orlando...

so i drag myself out to pick her up and drive her home and here i am... awakish... with a couple of cupcakes and chocolate milk cuz i deserve some sort of suicidal reqard for being such a giving tree, or something like that...

and how was your night? :}

closer to wasted

or is that waisted?... apathy grows as fatigue swallows reason and all the mind wants to do is rest, or perhaps it is the body that just wants to sleep, collapse, give in to gravity... and all there is to remember day after day is work, work, work, more work, then work... but maybe the real distraction from anything else is the more frequent pain in the neck (literally)... tell a doctor, some wise voice suggests... who has time for a doctor, reality responds... wait for the actual collapse and hope the body survives, the voice of the obvious asks...

so how are you? (limited time to respond :}

you know how i roll

backwards and forwards and from side to side, 3-2-1 and something like that... so visit somewhere else if you want amusement or creative stimulation or just something more than the daily dragging out of life cuz that's what (e)thereal has become all about lately and i'm not sure about you, but it's starting to bore me... so in my never ending battle for creative justice, i offer a new feature for the moment (if it lasts, it lasts) and we shall call it (or not, names matter little in the end) the link to somewhere else or perhaps just the alternative read... alternative read, i think i like that... sometimes a blast from the past and sometimes something more current, but at least it offers you an alternative to the degenerative whining and exhaustive apathy that infects this blog (and the body containing the writer) of late...

there's always hope, so hang in there :)

too tired to pay attention

which is one big reason (just one though) i am without a partner in this life these days and i don't even realize when i gain or lose a follower here or on twitter or on tumblr or a friend on facebook or (heck, friends on myspace and diaryland are still out there surprising me when i pop back in) or wherever and tonight is no different... reached the fall-away apathy point at work in spite of having many numbers to crunch and reports to do for tomorrow so stopped for food and gonna lay back with monday sci-fi and thanks for caring or coming or going or whatever you're doing out there...

hope it's fun :)

facebook liking

gave the facebook like buttons a whole lotta love tonight as i explored, somewhat randomly, how the religions of the world are represented on facebook and found, not much... could be sleeping, of course, or hooking up my xbox 360 and checking out the games i bought today (though i have to order the instruments to play rock band cuz they didn't have any at either store)... of course i don't have time and will lose way too much sleep once i hook up the games... hopefully i won't die...

loving the irreverence of everything tonight, probably would offend everyone somehow, so good thing facebook keeps me and everyone else somewhat safe, even if that is just an illusion... you know where i live, or, at least, you know my name, look up my number (doesn't take much looking, actually, as the beatles inferred i believe)...

what?... of course this is (e)thereal, where else? :)

yummy tired

just to be sure there is no gross misunderstanding, or fine tuned one, even, there are several different kinds of yummy tied and the one i refer to involves food and exercise without a partner, so now that it is all so perfectly clear, phew, pizza and cupcakes and milk and code red for dessert (well, the milk goes with the cup cakes and i had water with the pizza cuz i was thirsty from softball and heat and did not want to guzzle code red, see?... healthy yummy tired, sorta) and up very early to move some of jackson's stuff after getting home late from the party after the movie after something else and then laundry and eating pizza out with jackson and her family and then shopping at best buy where there were police with assault rifles equipt with electronic scopes but they let me buy ncaa football 11 anyway and then i went to movie spot and browsed movies and then i went to game spot and bought rock band and rock band beatles and then i went back to best buy where the best buy guy there told me the police assault rifles and police were there because there was a false report that there was an armed robbery in progress at the best buy but a lot of people assumed casey anthony was going to shop for something there cuz a lot of people are obsessed with her and police with assault rifles were flashed all over the news in her neighborhood and wherever after they let her out of jail, but let's not speculate on the possible lies best buy guys might tell when police with assault rifles tell them to cover up the everyday going-ons of a local reality-tv celebrity cuz that's not what this life i come here to tell you about in this (e)thereal blog is all about so then (where were we?) we went to play softball where we won 13 or 14 to 3 and then we took farewell photos of the team cuz it was jackson's last game with them and then we came home and walked and fed happiness and then showered and then ate some leftover pizza and cupcakes with water and milk and here we are, wherever this is...

was your weekend this much fun?... hope so :)

suicidal patterns

separating from human contact for a few days and focusing on health and caring for myself and dropping some weight and putting the body through the shock of withdrawal from the high sugar high caffeine high fat high carb diet to a healthier balance and then sliding back into a social meal and party a few days later and re-initiating the unhealthy triggers and stupid, of course stupid, but still so much fun...

so home from a semi-game night (being that games were not played much, but fun still) and before that, much more fun at the final episode (for now at least) in the harry potter series in i-max 3d and the only thing better would have been going with really close potter-head friends but going with people i knew was good too and the movie was no disappointment in spire of having to remove much of the story from the very long book... well done and wish you were here :)

emptied the storage before the movie so a busy day and tired yet wired and lonely cuz of all the excitement shared, but not shared deeply, and we've heard that song before, yeah, yeah, yeah... who loves you baby?... but it's not about what's missing (not that pretending nothing's missing is good either), it's about what is shared and making the most of the caring and sharing and fun available so keep giving and stay strong, stay positive, stay open, stay full of giggles and fun and sooner or later the come around will come around... gotta believe, right?...

hope you make your fun even more fun too :)

weirdly awake

any other day the body might be begging for more sleep at 9:30am and yet today i just rolled out of bed and went to the bathroom and had no interest in returning to bed... maybe cuz i knew i was free to do as i please instead of going to work or maybe cuz i fell asleep early last night and stayed asleep though i am pretty sure i watched a late night showing of haven which was after midnight so it's not as if i got a ton of sleep but still here i am and i've been doing my web ritual (it has become something of a ritual after all) checking out the tabs i have open from yesterday (more than two dozen) and closing some and opening others and watching videos and listening to music and reading posts and comments and so on and so forth and adding some sites i saw to sites i saw and i haven't even gotten to facebook or twitter or blogspot yet (i did spend some time on tumblr though...

so good morning, i guess :)

as if i had time

i just created yet another blog cuz a title simply compelled me (not like the exorcist, but not too far off that beaten path... i'll share it somewhere, maybe even here if the mood is right, after i put something in it... not much point in sharing an empty blog, aye?)... maybe i am just too creative for my own good, or perhaps i just amuse myself thinking i might be, in any case, someday someone will fall in love with me just the way i am for every nuance of babble that expresses my random dichotomy makes such perfect sense to them, it's that magic moment jay sang about all those years ago...

meanwhile, another long day of work where a few deadlines were met (the important ones that keep the government regulators from locking our doors) and a few passed (the stuff that should be most important for the clinicians treating the kids) cuz there is just not enough time to do everything the my office is expected to do and still, the boss does not want to spend the money on providing assistance... and that's a good way of insuring i am not completing all of the stuff in my job description so there is no justification for a raise in spite of my saving their bacon and keeping the buzzards away from the door over and over (not to mention putting in way too many hours for the salary, but still, i love most of what i do and few who work can say that and mean it)... yeah yeah yeah (who love's ya baby?), it's give give give, the story of life as i know it... what's that about karma? (shouldn't laugh, aye?)...

and then, dinner with jackson at outback and dessert at friendly's was way too many calories and so deliciously decadent that i shall miss our little spontaneous indulgences all the more when she moves far far away... that what matters most, not the creative play and preponderance of pleas of random blogging nor the love of work that keeps a hospital from getting in serious trouble, but a few hours with a friend... gonna be tough to find another sweet innocent kid like her to live with... friends i can trust are tough to come by in this world... but of course you know me, i'll keep on searching for the hearts of gold... sooner or later, i find another...

awwww, don't be sad (kid, the pretenders, remember?) :)

you know the sound

that they make in cartoons when someone is falling like forever?... the sound is a carefully descending musical slope that just feels like falling... well, it must have been playing when i opened this blog window cuz i disappeared like the character that steps off the cliff...

so much fatigue, so little time...

almost twice

that would refer to almost falling asleep early and staying asleep twice this week, but here i am awake again after a nice nap in the chair... i did sleep a long one last night, at least eight hours, maybe more... keeping track of time is just one of those things i don't do much lately, not that i ever did... i'd rather enjoy the time than watch it go by... that is why i don't keep in touch well... i live in the moment and enjoy the immediate experiences around me and roll with the flow, seldom looking beyond or reaching out past the physical space i am in (except for this ethereal literary way of sending words out over the internets, that is)...

must be fascinating to someone, aye?...

hope you enjoy your time too :)

just home getting

hungry am i... raining too much outside so stop i didn't cuz tired too much i am so here am i home hungry ha ha (carried away by alliteration, no doubt)... blurry head sleep soon but feeling left out of life, mine first... ok, eat, then what...

you happy? :)

something sick like work

work day started sometime before 6, as in am, and just getting home... no food, no water, just work at the desk and the computer data entry and sorting papers and the mundane... home eat, leftover taco bell reheated and yogurt and cole slaw and grapefruit juice and sleep... sleep?... but the 12th is on... that is, the sci-fi monday new shows alphas and the return of eureka and warehouse 13... how can i sleep now?...

but tomorrow starts before 6am and i've got a ton of brain work and social work and educating and impressing and selling and introducing and representing and orienting and meetings and data to crunch and delicate regulatory balancing to do and all that takes a whole lot of mental clarity and here i am looking at doing it on maybe three hours sleep ha ha ha really something sick like...

stop for caffeine in the morning, yo :}

intentions failed again

i had every intention... what does that mean?... i was going to say that i had every intention of going to bed early, sleeping until about 3am, then heading into work... intentions are not very powerful, apparently, not even every one of them... amused, as usual, i am starting the week off overworked and bleary eyed again... and way behind... the work laptop would not connect to the work server, probably because once again corporate made some system changes that locked us out (it's been a nuisance at work) and i've got to get IT to reconfigure my laptop to get into my work again... corporate and the rest will just have to deal with it...

and so i did crawl into bed, really i did... then i remembering my soaking wet softball bag was still in the car and happiness had not gone out to poop cuz of the downpour and a few other things scrambled around my mind waking up the peanut gallery who demanded some play time so i headed back out here to wander the web (since playtime is faster and easier on the web these days cuz i don't have to drive anywhere... or get dressed, even)... and smiled at the memory of a photo of linda ronstadt when i saw a certain photo of her face and mused at facebook and twitter and other haunts over drugs and politics and religion and the universe and parcour and silliness and human folly and controversies and stupidity and loved some music and explored quibids (where i may be wasting some money in the near future if i can find the time) and the peanut gallery danced and now, slightly more content, perhaps they will reluctantly sleep too...

sleep music might help :)

past fatigue

whatever is going on in my head/brain compartment/cells, psychologically or whatever, i am burning past fried, feeling past fatigue, gone from the lunch table without getting my card stamped, or something like that... so tired... softball for three hours this morning after not much sleep and the sun baked the brain and body was overheated more than it should have been and then, a few hours of rest, a game in the afternoon and sluggishness was amusing cuz we played a team that only had eight players and they were no very good to begin with so our sluggishness (i was far from the only one) didn't matter and then, home with junk food stupid, again) and nodding off in the chair only to wake after laying down in bed cuz there are too many things on my brain that are unfinished and so much to do this week at work and the alarm is set for before 3am so i could get to my desk at 3am so i could get some of it done and...

did i mention fatigue?...

how you? :)

maybe better

the google blogger servers, that is... they were down earlier so you missed out on the wonder and excitement that might have been (ah, the grandiousity can be so much fun, delusional or not)... worked on jackson's table for an hour while listening to the history channel tell of the history of drugs (which followed the history of woodstock, no coincidence there, and worse, the drug programs were followed by a story about hitler's drug use... draw your own conclusions...

meanwhile, work to do for jackson, get the table ready for someone who is coming to buy it and take care of happiness (poor baby gets so little time attention or care these days cuz jackson's almost never home and i'm not home that much more and he's such a social loving old pup... hopefully his last years will be better once they move up north... there should be more time together)...

getting kind hungry sleepy headachy too... eat some food, but must reduce the sugar caffeine dependency the body is currently experiencing... that'll take a few days, at least, ideally days off so sleep can be had at will, but... the current work life does not allow that... but we shall reevaluate next month when i am here alone again (naturally)...

back later, probably... enjoy yours too :)

service unavailable

whenever this post finally gets uploaded, blogger google finally fixed their service... there's no word on what happened or why the service is unavailable, just a stark notice like the end of the world...

maybe we'll talk later...

rediscovering my myspace blog

going back some year now, i forgot i was writing on myspace as much as i was (and of course there was dia to inspire me, which is what brought me to wander back there again tonight, remembering... it has been a while though... and what moved me most (ego aside, after all) were the comments left, some many i never saw before... if i only had time to read and share more... listening to the last playlist i put together there... alas and all... with a grin, naturally :)

and then there was facebook :)

easy to be smile

could i be the mirror that smiles inside all the time and yet, to those who see me as their reflection (the strange chameleon posture and facial expression is what does it, but some secrets may be beyond current consciousness), afraid to actualize the love and share the trust that inspires the smile, i am as they wish me to be...

no wonder they complain about me so much, and vice versa :}

what the heck, neck?

i mean, seriously, are you (speaking to the left side of my neck and body in general at the moment) trying to take over (or end) life as i know it?... i really don't particularly want to die just yet, so what gives?... diet?... exercise?... working too much?... stress?... tumor?... disease?... something is disturbing you rather vividly tonight and i really wish you'd tell me what it is...

yes, so i was in bed and now i am not cuz this pain in the neck is keeping me away... not to mention the tinnitus... and fatigue... and so, whatcha wanna do now?...

at least it doesn't hurt more when i laugh :)

need more than one night

to catch up on sleep these days... so after more than twelve hours sleep last night i still was groggy all day cuz the catch-up (which does happen no matter what anybody, even science, might say) required more hours in the sleep zone and so, the chance of catch up is not good as long as work continues to require as many consecutive days and hours as it does... is it killing me?... probably shaving years off the life...

not good, but like junkies and their junk, i enjoy it...

i'd trade if for falling in love or a lavish life of leisure (or even a modest one), but as i am just barely making it these days while working as i do, that option is not presenting itself just yet... maybe tomorrow, aye?...

so how is your life? :)

pardon the pathos

i mean, if pathos needs a pardon... if you wonder what pathos is, it is in the ethos family, only much more emo with a touch of lost eros in it... part pathetic part pity of the self kind, crossed between selfish and selfless with a thick layer of apathy or ambivalence...

anyway, it's ridiculous to present the pitiful lack of confidence (or confudd-dense) that sleeps out with sleeplessness creates (or slips out with sliplessness, even) cuz life is just too much fun in this head to take the whiney complainy poor poor me seriously for more than the few moments it takes to write the words, but hey, be fooled if you wanna be (snark)...

of course if you want to care and nurture me, i probably won't stop you :)

(shhhh, i fell asleep writing this)

and then, c, is

see?... there i was with the wireless card turned off and the remote in my hand with a finger on the off button as craig ferguson was signing off when the tv flashed previously on ncis and sure enough, the hook reeled me in... ot the line reeled me in after i bit the hook... but the hook was the line, so... anyway, here we are again... and while libido may never compromise again (or so it thinks), still, a voice somewhere in my head (or somewhere within earshot) says so where is my ziva?... what?... huh?... sure...

the end of the world is not know it... n,c,i,s...

shhhhh... zzzzz :)

nearing the end?

or is it can i get any more tired? cuz i am exhausted times almost infinity and still falling behind at work and wondering just how many balls will hit the floor before one of us change (like a drowsy sleeping contest, will i leave or will i be replaced?... at the moment there is nobody close to replacing me, so it's an interesting puzzle)...

and then...

everywhere i looked today the world seemed to revolve around a melodramatic real-life reality-tv show called the casey anthony trial... it was like nobody could do anything responsible after about 2:15pm... people were shouting, gasping, ranting as if something personally horrible had happened to them... everyone at work stopped working to find a tv to watch the verdict... innocent, guilty, as if it matters in their lives and just about everybody i know tells me she's guilty... i ask how they know and they stare at me as if i have three heads... ... ... ... but they seem so sure...

yeah, i know... i just had to... narf...

sleep now?...

sure enough

the sleep passes and the joy wakes and the bliss spreads cuz that's the way i am... someday they'll all understand... someday you'll all understand...

narf :)

luxury apartments

the new owners of this apartment community have the audacity to rename the place with luxury apartments in the subtitle... not only is the joke that the place is one of the lowest priced places in the area and have economy level everything (not complaining, i chose the economy living and still enjoy tennis, basketball, and more amenities than most places - just give up square footage, fancy-groomed grounds, and new features - windows, appliances, counters, etc)... this thought comes about because one of the neighbors is having a fight and pounding on the door of his apartment (she locked him out) and the walls are reverberating through the building as if he is pounding on the walls inside this apartment...

so i am awake and the idea of getting extra sleep and waking early kind of fizzled... luckily, we have a sheriff living in the apartment directly above us and he and another neighbor must have intervened cuz she opened the door for him and the pounding has stopped for now... it upset jackson a lot (she detests arguments) and i hope she can fall back to sleep... my sleepiness may come back, but usually it's around this hour my brain wakes back up if i am not already sleeping and that, alas, may be that... still some fireworks out there too... how are you?...

the real world, aye?...

narf :}

so along about yesterday

or somewhere over this long weekend, jackson and i played basketball, tennis, ran a 5k, ate a few meals, and wandered around the living space doing stuff...

so much excitement i can hardly remember it all...

sometimes, just too tired to :)

nite nite :)

lost entries

google and blogger logged me out as they do randomly too often and entries were lost...

they suck...

mostly clueless

something was happening at this time on this date and in the surrounding hours, no doubt, but the loss of entries thanks to the google deamons demons or just plain control freak idiots who, like microsoft, take over my personal property whenever the hell they feel like it and destroy my creative work and they get away with it because no one has sued them...

whatever, days gone by now...

(e)thereal...

sleep, wake, what?

so here i am after sleeping some six hours or so, waking, wanting to share more, wanting more sleep, wanting in, wanting out, wanting more... even tweeting... i must find my way back to sleep, but first, i wanted to give the brain some release as it so rarely gets any lately, especially not after a bit of sleep...

someday i will catch up again, then, start over...

how are you? :)