stress

seems i am burdening myself with a lot of it lately... stress over work, over moving, over money, over crap... stupid, really, stupid... that increases the loneliness as i have no friend close enough to lean on or even to vent to... alone again naturally is the story of this life mostly... and so it goes too...

spent the last few hours searching for apartments near work while wondering if i'll still be working there next year and wondering is signing a lease before january makes sense when i might move on from this job at the same time and would be better off opening my search for living situations way beyond this area... considering whether it is time to leave orlando, even... the west coast may be calling again... the north, no so much...

stress used to be cool, reason to exercise and adding to the excitement of the challenges of life like a roller coaster thrill, but lately it's interrupting sleep and that is the new experience that is not pleasant... i don't sleep much anyway, but i never found a challenge sleeping when i wanted to sleep... obviously need more exercise... obviously need to stop ignoring the stressors and use them to motivate the exercise like i used to... not growing old, am i? (ok, still laughing at that question, but want more time in the day more than ever)...

so i vent here again, (long time no babble, maybe that is the change i allowed that should be undone... if there was only more time... the song that never ends, sort of), fool on the hill style, and thank you for being out there, even if it's all in my mind most of the time :)

call me irresponsible

woke up thinking of work, but not just the job i have today, all the works i've ever worked including war games in the military and exterminating bugs and number crunching and counseling and even some leisure games and works worked for no money, the mind dreams on (and the music comes and goes, but always plays somewhere inside), with or without aerosmith playing in the background… and a bit of stress over wondering if i am being nudged out woke me as well… but today is a day off and i really must clear my head (what?... without drugs?... darn, why can’t they just legalize them all so non-drinkers can have what all the rest have in their alcohol, aye?)…

obviously the few days rushing through the softball tournament did not do enough head-clearing, so i carry the work with me now (idjit) and that may mean it is time to consider another change of profession or lifestyle or something like that… it would be much less stressful if i did not deplete my savings the last few months…

and on that note, i just returned from wandering the financial empire, including credit cards and rewards stuff, and while the savings has not replenished itself overnight (the dollars must be wearing condoms, aye?), the good news is it does not look like it’s going down too much more this month and i have a free round trip flight on southwest and another for $50 if i want to bring someone or take two trips myself… too bad southwest doesn’t fly to hawaii, i might not need the return… ah, life is amusing…

a day for me (sort of)

probably ought to sigh a long sheeeeesh and laugh, but all i find is a laugh, silent at that… futility or entropy or apathy or relativity or something akin to bliss without the adrenaline, or something like that… maybe i need a york peppermint patty… or a vacation from my vacations… a year on the beach might be a start… ah, if my only decision in life was to decide which beach to be a bum on… shall i smirk?... today might be a great day to catch up on housework left from last week, get the stinky softball weekend laundry done, and so on, ya know?... we shall see if it works :)

how many days this time?

whatever, aye?... this is today, whatever the date or time or day or rhyme… and just returning from a mixed bag weekend softball tournament down south in sunny ft. lauderdale (which would so easily add to your confusion if you don’t know me and delved into a search as some of us are apt to do to learn more via the internet instead of asking directly, aye?... what? lol lam laa :) on most every level (except the most important, but then, alas, the things we do, or don’t do, for love, cha cha cha know?) and three physical wounds are aching and healing (inner thigh/knee bruise, left pectoral bruise, and two bruised fingers on the pitching hand) and the drama continued to explode around us as our coach seems to find it (or it finds him) wherever we go every season and the bi-polar life that is this human experience continues (and a thousand words later, we might start to understand, but who has the time, aye?)...

where do we begin (to tell the story?)…

a few hours earlier

(thank the next entry, that is) i was pushing the body to a second day of softball after a rough first day and we started off as we usually do, rocking the ball and my pitching was great in spite of being tired, dehydrated (forgetting water and having someone go get some for me after a few innings), and having a few injuries including two fingers of my pitching hand that were painful and swollen… we shut out the team that beat us yesterday (they started the other pitcher and never overcame the runs scored due to his errors) 13-0… then, as usual, we had a let down in the second game and only scored 6 runs, leaving the tying run at second with the coach at the plate who grounded out to end the game… so we went 2-5 overall in two days… we are just not a “C” level team as much as the coaches want to believe we are… not enough consistent hitting and definitely not enough consistent fielding… but it was mostly fun and we’ll do it again in Orlando in a couple of months… hopefully with better organization and substitutions… long drive home to rest, eat, and party (self-indulgence :)

to sleep

the young boys went out to party and i went to bed cuz playing five softball games starting 8am and finishing 10:30pm in the south florida heat is enough, but having to get up at 6:30am tomorrow for another possible full day, well, i am letting wisdom override everything else… ah, but the truth is i am not into the stripper bar and drinking scenes they all went out to find… alas, alone again, naturally… and the day, while it ended semi-positive, was horrible from a softball standpoint... we lost the first four games we played, should have won three of them but the team played like they never played the game before, errors everywhere and the subs the coaches brought in sucked... i piched only two of the four loses and the other pitcher couldn't even bend over to catch the ball... a couple of other subs played just as poorly and one had a hostile attitude... strange choices that were supposed to improve our team... anyway, we won the last game so we play tomorrow but the drama of league politics closed the night and i wonder why i am paying to be here... but still good news cuz now, to sleep, dream or not :)

softball tourney blues

long hot horrible day of softball blues… so far we lost four games and if we lose one more, we don’t play tomorrow and i don’t understand the coaching moves… they brought in a second pitcher who seriously can’t bend over and kicks the ball toward first base if it is hit to him softly (anything not soft gets by him) and a second baseman with a nasty attitude who made almost as many errors on sure ground outs… and only one of the subs actually could hit the ball, so we are a fair “D” team playing in a “C” tournament and getting our butts kicked… doesn’t help that the half of the team that travelled for the tournament is not hitting well… we should have won three of the four games easily… anyway, now we wait three more hours for the last game of the day (losers get the worst schedule - play from 8am to 10:30pm) and it’s against a team we scored 28 runs on in Orlando, so if we don’t beat them, this was truly a wasted trip… on a positive note, the weather is beautiful :}

love softball

ah, beautiful day for a softball tournament… heading out from the hotel (Sheraton, don’t know why i treat myself to the luxury at twice the price of the la quinta down the street, but here i am in cushy beds and fountain gardens and waterfall pools and so on) to have some fun… hopefully the coaches found some good subs as half the team didn’t travel down with us… i love softball :)

road trip alone

heading down to ft. Lauderdale for the softball tournament… i’m not taking the laptop, so i’ll catch up on entries when i get back (as if anybody is paying attention, aye?... wait, someone just did, dang, there goes my perfectly ignored year… that’s a good thing, aye? :)

love days off

i love days off… staying up home alone playing the bowl bound game and watching tv with half an eye and relaxing (yay)... hope to have much fun and a great workout this weekend (and no drama, but then, the coaches are drama queens so it’s probably going to follow us, so hopefully not too much drama)… thinking about the long drive (alone) and spending money on a luxury hotel room (alone) and vacationing (alone) has loneliness popping up a bit, but still, it’s about the softball and i love the game and breaking from the routine a bit, so fun fun fun :)

hope your weekend is fun too :)

thanks

a little lonely, but much more comfortable as is the usual for me on this national holiday celebrating the almost complete genocide of a whole race of diverse humans tribal peoples… i don’t like the party atmosphere that has it’s roots in the lie, so i usually turn down invitations (three this year) and enjoy my own meditative peaceful time at home mourning human compassion which, if it ever really existed, is little more than a paper thin pretense these days…

oh, but don’t let my reality bring yours down, aye? (pardon my laughter, it is inappropriate on this day of mourning, but then, even the dead tribes learned to celebrate what life and land they have left)… besides, i had a ton of laundry and stuff to do to get ready for the softball tournament weekend in ft lauderdale… so do your thing on this thanksgiving day and hopefully, you know what you are doing and why you are doing it and it is meaningful for you today and every day of your life (for as long as you live la la la :)

seriously, even singing, laughing, and smiling (can the child inside still see the rainbows through the tears?... hope so, ah, and to follow the singing nun, stevi sings beautiful child, even if i am the only one who gets it all), thanks :)

life, or something like that

not a whole lot to say, just lazing the day away, alone in the place (jackson and happiness went up to family for the long weekend) and loving the time to myself… playing the college football game and glancing up at tv now and then and wishing the human race had more sense cuz i am living as a part of it again and have kind of trapped myself into continuing cuz i give so much away and don’t have much savings to wander off as i have in the past, but that’s the compromise of indulging the giving that i love…

and how’s your life? :)

extra days off

loving an extra day off… what madness started this five day work week?... stupid human insecurity and fear of facing one’s self and others in free time so people structured life so much that humans work themselves to death and not only forget how to stop and smell the roses, but lose contact with enjoying life as it can be enjoyed and experienced… being alive, feeling alive, experiencing life are alien concepts considered radical new age crap to the average working man or woman… a sad sickness that i wish i did not have to induge as much as i do, but then, that’s the lot i drew and chose to nurture in this life primarily because i am such to stupid martyr, deep down, or maybe i just wanted to fit in, or maybe it was all to impress a girl (the things we do for love?), or something like that…

still, loving the extra days off lol lam laa :)

so little time (ad infinitum)

not enough time to do all i need to do at work this week and hopefully that does not cost me this job, but if the ceo is really that foolish and greedy and insecure and power hungry then so be it… kind of a bi-polar week as i am so looking forward to time off and time to myself and time away from home and softball and fun and vacation and yet, missing someone who can and will share everything with me (but then, i’ve yet to meet anyone who can actually do that anywhere near my perspective and sharing from very different perspectives is not really sharing, if you know what i mean)… and suddenly, i don’t feel much like being online or pretending to be connected like i usually do… no great worries, i’ll be back (unless the body dies, in which case the scheduled post for 2013 will announce my probably death, but that’s another oddity for another time for now)…

thanks for understanding, or at least for trying to and sending compassion :)

work day

day one of a two day work week (which is truly how life should have been set up if human beings were not insane, but that’s besides the point, which should be the point, aye?) and as usual, too many distractions and emergencies and unexpected visits to get any work done… don’t feel like writing much… hope all is well in your world :)

wandering away

don’t think i did much this weekend, a lot of mind clearing with the football game and watching some sports on tv… spent one day out apartment hunting with jackson… have four prospects, need to search a bit more… drifting away from the online world, from the world in general… haven’t had time off from the working forld in a decade, so maybe it is coming like it or not, ready or not… don’t want to be on the street again though, but money doesn’t grow on trees and places to live require much money… no point in stressing, just enjoy the moments…

hope you are enjoying yours :)

long ago and far away

long ago and far away
someone i loved yesterday
was born on this date
and once again i'm late
to wish her a happy birthday

it may mean less to some, but no to me
and maybe it is still good to know
after all these years... i still love her so...

happy birthday dear friend
you know love never ends
in our hearts we still care
and that's why i am here

to sing

happy birthday dear friend
cuz the love never ends
in my heart you'll always be
a best friend for me


hope today was the best birthday ever!

(until next year :)

gone, not forgotten

(just ten days late, or something like that)

wow, ok, so i stopped writing here (uploading entries) and have not even been online since the last entry (a reaction to just the thought of or just the word deadlines? lol lam) and suddenly, the next however many entries pop up as if they were always here when in thereal they were patched together from memory and the roller coaster of emotions piled up in the corners of my mind from the ten days away and this entry slides in just to keep the timeline honest (cuz we’re in (e)thereal, right?... yeah, right, continue lol lam)…

and the irony is i return to find words from a loving heart left for me all those days ago (could have been today, looking at the date stamps, aye?) and i wish i was here to hug the words on time, but here is the hug as meaningful to me as ever cuz i am just finding the caring and it is rshing through me like a wonderful high (imagine your favorite chemical/food rush… i’ll imagine chocolate, naturally)…

that’s the beauty of love, all the wonderful physiological goodness and none of the calories :)

thank you for being, j, and make your day beautiful (you too rest of the world :)

deadlines

i don't like deadlines, in fact, my subconscious rebels against deadlines so well that when i am presented with a deadline, the first thought process appears to be how bad will it be if i miss the deadline... i suppose that prioritizing deadlines is sensible, so i could rationalize it professionally and all, but i laugh at that even as i'll sell it well when it matters (like to keep a job or to put a smile on a friend's face, for instance... remember belated birthdays?)...

so when i come here to leave a few words to record bits and pieces of this life i experience for myself and anyone who cares, i smile happilly (sometimes gleefully) at the written words (for the love of words) and smile (sometimes euphorically) at the caring that keeps me coming back to record this life and smile (almost always blissfully peacefully) at the hope that keeps me sharing the words publically and i smile (sometimes wistfully) at the loneliness that wants someone to share the life i experience in words and in the physical space and time and so, i hope for a comment of some sort like the moment after i leave a few words here like "cool" or "yay" or "wow, wish i had your life" (ok, so the last one is ridiculous ego crap, but it's worth a try... or a laugh), but even though i wish someone cared enough to be waiting for words and share back immediately, there is no deadline for a few caring words to be left here...

hint...

if you are not laughing, you were never really here :)

wild wired and what?

once again you may never know, but that's only one of the many layered ignorances missed (you may never even read this, after all), but days gone by will be gone and missing time will be filled in and yesterday will be written tomorrow (famous last words?) cuz i am in one of those goofy silly profoundly (irreverently?) wise moods, cha cha cha (relative to your level of awareness, of course, though not necessarilly naturally, snark (pass the acid and turn on the rainbow strobes, nyuk, nyuk, narf)...

what?... yes, all six harry potter films were watched this week, the last four in the past twenty four hours... so much excitement, even if it was not exponentially increased by sharing the experience... we are doancing alright now, yay :)

watching the pot

and go figure, it's not boiling... but then, i am actually watching the pot-ter, as in the harry poter series, all six released films, cuz the seventh is being released at midnight and while i have attended the first midnight showing in years past, this year i am skipping it mostly cuz i didn't time watching all the videos just right (one more to go at midnight) cuz i had a softball game tonight (won 20-7 to finish the season 3-3-1 which is good considering we were 1-3 after four games)...

sometimes i wish i was magical and sometimes i wish i had a mission in life like harry does, but mostly i just wish i had friends like the friends in the film... and a little more snogging would be nice too (narf :)

loving the fun (and did i mention time off work? :)

right, so what day was this?

wow, with a snappy-go-lucky title like that this entry ought to be epic, or something worth reading and repeating and rinsing, even... but since i forgot what i did on whatever this day was, it's epic fail except for the chuckle the irony of time manipulation and memory disparity provides to those who may or may not get it...

more work, no office straightening, but work got done at work... and home, started watching the potter series, right?... i think so... preparing for the release of the seventh film, part one... and are you enjoying your week as much as i am enjoying mine? (not that i own time or anything)... hope so... do it, it's more fun than not doing it (enjoying, that is :)

not left to my own devices

i was always safest when left to my own devices... well, ok, maybe safest is not the right word... most balanced... most likely to survive intact and happy... lonely, yes, but intact and happy and healthier than when i am not left to my own devices...

so tonight i was invited out to dinner and ate with friends and the lighter healthier eating pattern i started last night lasted one day and we can only hope it starts again tomorrow... waking lighter and less bloated this morning was a good feeling... a very good feeling that permeates everything and i would really like to continue improving on that feeling... really?... well, if yes, then i will actually do it, won't i?... who am i asking?... ditto?... still, not getting enough sleep...

not left to my own devices...

high school best friends

when i was in high school i had a few best friends... some were male, some were female, some even came with benefits... today, as in this date of the year, is the birth date of two of those high school best friends (one with benefits, which makes the memory even more fun no matter how much we might giggle with some public embarrassment or something like that)... so even though they and perhaps no one will ever read this (oh, how very dramatic), i cheer with the jumping up and down goofiness of an old best friend singing out loud (much to the puzzlement of the dog, the neighbors {cuz it's probably the quietest party they ever overheard}, and the neighbors dogs, maybe)

happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthdat dear barb and ray
(pause with a smile)
happy birthay to yous
yeah... yous :)

so little time (how many times)

yeah so it goes like this again, how many times have i titled something so little time cuz that's life, that is where i am again, better off carefree on the street?... not so sure sometimes, but then. comforts are comfortable... still, it is time to bring down the expenses cuz i am covering two full time lately and i don't have that much income to do that without some budgeting... i just detest budgeting... and there's so little time...

eat soup, pasta, tuna, house food for a month or few at least and maybe things will stop the downward slide of the past few months, but there are still two full months of over-extension and drain on savings... stop with the bummer already, ok?... ok...

busy day at work and did not get done what i intended cuz so many other things needed doing... must get in a couple of hours early tomorrow to get more done before orientation (i'm up 8 to 10:30) and then morning meeting and then quality council and then, maybe some work and then, afternoon meeting with the boss so when to do the work that needs to be done...

no, not tonight... i'm gonna watch tv and vege, so there :)

ridiculouso, or something like that

unless, of course, you can (want to) see (care) the meaning in the minutia of moments expressed in words, sometimes rather randomly and always with a playful creativity cuz word-play is half the fun of the recording of a life in words, but if not, then as you wish :)

sleep should be provided to the mind soon, or at least to the body (cuz it is possible that the mind never truly sleeps in the same way the body sleeps and in some way, neither stops the life process even when it appears to be still and unconscious, but some sort of stillness and unconscious, whether called sleep or rest or whatever, ought to be provided this body and mind soon as another bosy work week starts in the morning...

but the adrenaline rush lingers after a wonderful weekend of fun and rest and exercise and today's exercise nudged the gears of life within just enough to motivate me to want more (even as the reality of life allows no more time for tonight) and we hope it continues cuz these gears i refer to are relatively infinitely slow (as in stillness and eternity, which is relatively timeless) and perhaps by next year, the change will return...

obtuse?... obscure?... or just the way it is in e(thereal) beyond the words (that which is not expressable in words)... it is here to explore when you arrive...

and home again

another wonderful sunday pushing the body to maximum limits (though not max overdrive) and sure enough, all the wonders prophesized in previous entries came to pass and then, the evening games were a win and a loss, the win when the energy was high and i was sending it out all over the field, the loss when the negative energy pushed it's way on to the field cuz i grew tired and we have a very self-destructive negative nilly (but that's for another candor, no doubt) and so i retired for the last two innings and gave others a chance to lead and hopefully the fun did not discontinue, cuz it was a wonderful weekend for me and sometimes it is time to close my eyes and let my world unfold before me, as linda ronstadt once sang... understand and you are hugged, if not, your move and i offer a smile all the same :)

someday we'll all understand :)

new plan

so usually i head to the other field after the first game to get ready for the game in the other league but instead, today i head home to play some basketball and knock myself out as if i was a much younger pup like those i play with and sure enough, i survive and feel better than ever (or at least better than the last month or so of uber-vegetation)... kick some basketball butt, i did... some might say, oh, but they were girls and then i'd say yeah, but they are much younger, got better moves, and they do play me two on one cuz we play a three way game of twenty-one, if you know what i mean... yeah, that's the next couple of hours, if you know what i mean... wish you were here to understand more, if not share more, cuz you might :)

again, back a moment

this morning i woke to shower and head to the batting cages before heading to the field for the first game of the day and the rampage won to give us an 8-3 record on the year, the only losses coming to the 'B' level teams and we beat one of those one time... at least that is what will happen in the next few hours (oooo eeeee aaaahhhh, as robert klein might say)...

start your sunday out special too :)

vegetative saturdays

especially when fridays are action-packed, solitary saturday grazing at home in the field of mindless fun has become the pattern at least every third or even two saturdays a month of late, at least one, that is, and today was one of those...

such a simple way to inspire a smile and peaceful calming smile at that... hope you find your way to such a smile regularly, often even :)

sometime earlier

earlier than usual for a saturday, that is, i woke and started playing the college football game again and relaxed in my room while jackson and her visiting friend from out of town who came down to share the fun of universal yesterday watched college football in the living room and did some other stuff and i nodded off for a sweet nap later (since time is relative in the catch-up entry cycle we are sort of in at the moment and sort of because not all of these are catch-up entries and we may never be sure which are which, as if that matters to anyone outside of us (who me?... all i ever needed was the one, ya know :)

enjoy your day too :)

still got'em

dees dang bad habits, dat is… again (all together now), eating too much, snacking too much, working too much, spending too much, avoiding too much, distracting too much, alone too much, exercising too little, sleeping too little, budgeting too little, orgasming too little, loving too little, maybe flirting too little and a few other things too much or too little depending on mood and perspective and the cycle of the moon and tea leaves and who knows what else (i know), and all that jazz (y’all shoulda had that last bit down pat by now)…

even if you are not here (smirkle jerkle)…

all this on a wonderful day out at the theme park, islands of adventure to be precise, specifically checking out the new harry potter part which, even though there was some grand disappointment due to hype and expectation, was wonderful (did in say wonderful enough yet?... wonderful) wherein i walked almost non-stop for nine plus hours (in moccasins, no less) and felt energized and wonderful (yes, wonderful) physically when i got home, so out it was to play cards (one the first, second place for the second game, don’t want to win them all, after all, no fun for anyone else… shhhh, it’s our little secret right here on the www) and home again right here and now on the pot root toot tee toot tapping away at the keys for all and anyone caring or stopping by, not to mention posterity and oblivion…

and in the end (profound abbey road moment comming up, harry... be sure to tell tom and dick and the band), i've still got it in spite of the fact that i've still got'em, aye?...

hope your day and night was just as wonderful too :)

and if i was here

at the time-date stamped on this entry (if there is such a thing in the current formate template whatchamacallit as stated somewhat in the previous entry) there was exhausted excitement and smiling fun lingering from a happy-filled day at the theme park as i'll say and did say in previous and future entries here no matter when they were or are written and regardless of the time-date stamp, anyway, yay for happy places and fairy tales and sci-fi and fantasy and all the people who create and enjoy the playfulness of imagination and imaginary places...

wish you were here to share the fun... now, to finish watching the second harry potter dvd and then, out to play cards with friends... cuz that is what i would have written if i was here :)

bubbling

see, if i would have written this entry at the time-date stamp time-date above (or wherever it might be, if it's showing in this incarnation of this blog, or even if it's not, at the time and date of the thought of the expression in words (and the feelings) extrapolated from mind and memory and history for posterity or something like that, i would have to use the word bubbling cuz i am up super early on a weekday not for work, but to shower and head out to harry potter's world at universal studios where we will be wandering in just a couple of hours...

bubbling :)

just a day off

and it has me so excited... oh, what a weird life this is, that we toil away at monotonous jobs for most of our lives (though some jobs are more mono than others and mine is rather unpredictable compared to most, which is one reason i love it, but even so, too much of anything makes a dull warthog, boy too) when life can be so much more wonderful and exciting and meaningful if we could just explore it in all it's diversity with most of our time... yeah, yeah, yeah... yeah lol...

must sleep tonight in spite of being wired... got just enough done at work and then the softball team finally won another game... we played a poor hitting team and in spite of a few errors, i struck out like eight or more and we won by a few runs... i got on three times, knocked in two runs, but two of the times there were bases loaded and i had to sprint to beat a double play both times... so i hit ok, not great, but pitched very well and we won (yay) and then, stopped for taco bell again (shhhh) and then, the second harry potter movie was on when i got home and we watched half of it before they (jackson and friend) fell asleep... and then, early day tomorrow at harry potter world at universal studios ya ya ya :)

i'll try to get to sleep eventually :)

you? :)

home, hungry, tired, and a touch of whatever

which of course inspires a smile in my weird ways... mind... mind?... maybe it's not a question after all, or is it?... whatever :)

eat some soup and mashed potatoes and watch some ncis and maybe watch the second harry potter if jackson watchs to when she gets home (if we are awake enough) and then sleep and out early tomorrow for a meeting and more of the same, or better... hope yours is fun too :)

thought i was asleep

yeah, nodded off so sweetly in this chair after eating dinner and then, stargate universe attracted my attention long enough to keep me awake and then, i went to bed and sure enough, no sleep cuz the brain was thinking and the body was begging for exercise (well, maybe not begging) and i almost went out for a run or to the gym and then, i went online and watched the laci green show on blog tv, which is ridiculous for any number of reasons except that she gives me hope for humans, sort of, and i fell asleep watching/listening...

and then i went to bed and fell asleep...

if you are fascinated and can't wait for more, you really ought to tell me already, ya know? :)

stretching to the limit again

stretching?... sorta... drifting along in others hands is more like it... i am so tired of human frailty and the self-destructive trips they take me on when i try to interact with others... down deep, i am still not sure whether people want to love or destroy each other... i am pretty sure it's both, the question is, which desire is stronger...

(e)thereal...

food, fun, videos

finally we watched the first harry potter tonight after indulging in taco bell and stuffing the border and sending positive energy out as much as possible and here i am again, craving more sharing and stimulus and so i spend a couple of hours watching youtube videos (some popped into random pop news) and remembering how to smile and love and feel and all that emo stuff and now, later than it should be once again, i am about to head for bed...

life is sweet, even unshared :)

ouch in the wallet

ok, so i finally went to the bank and found that the drain is higher than i thought and seven thousand dollars later, i am very much at the low end of my emergency savings (should be flashing red lights and all, but i glaze in a blaze of blase, or something like that) and that totally sucks, but real is real and i've got to accept it (see why i've avoided the bank the past few months, aye?)... it is time to make a change (before i run out of change, sheesh, somehow the humors continue to keep me sorta sane :}

no worries, be happy, yeah yeah yeah yeah...

middle of nowhere

i ought to be asleep when this entry is uploaded, hence the title, and the bottom line (when does appear now and then) is who cares... not the question, but the person... the one who care is why all these words are here and if that one never appears (or does not appear in my lifetime), then the words will be here whenever... all the miniscule minutia of this life as i live it, the emo roller coaster and the laughter that follows, the momentary concerns and dramatic pauses and ups and downs and turn arounds and all through it i try to stay positive and live up to my ideal way, honesty without harm.. it’s not always easy…

but the one(s) who care(s) will understand and appreciate the effort…

hope you have something you believe in this much too :)

sometimes frustration

yeah, me, in spite of the fact that you would never believe it could possible happen given how practically perfect i am in every way being so purely positive and innocently optimistic and all that wonderful child-like splendor in the grass or breakfast at tiffany’s or butterflies are free or something like that , i too can slip into the fool’s gold of negativity from time to time and experience (brace yourselves now) frustration…

i know, unbelievable…

perhaps there should be some dramatic music now as that seemed a bit like the introduction of a melodrama emo-rich tv series or something… there are a million frustrations in the naked city, ya know?... why doesn’t anybody care about me or mine? (da da duh)…

headache, belly bloat, softball team that makes a couple of dozen errors every game, an unappreciative, overbearing, micromanaging boss, emo neediness and financial neediness and all sorts of neediness all around me… the headache and belly bloat from indulging the taste buds (emo eating feels so good going down, ya know?) is momentary discomfort… as for softball, a couple of dozen error and some horrible umpiring later, i realized i should have skipped the afternoon game too... it's sad when i can't trust anybody on the team to catch a ball hit or thrown or just to throw the ball straight... but anyway, the softball team is a passing burp in the emotional life… the boss is a daily challenge that is mostly worth it cuz i love the job and even enjoy the challenge of negotiating his personality… the deeper longer harder (oh baby) drama of this life is that it is challenging to just keep giving all the time and not having someone to lean on, to depend on, to share the load… and even though that’s been life as i’ve known it from the very start, it’s challenging and yes, frustrating, sometimes…

yeah, the real is not always sweet and shiny, and still i am somehow amused... i mean, i was really looking forward to the harry potter marathon (alas, we can't always get what we want, even if we try sometimes, but still, someday my princess will come, la la la)...

must be some sort of madness, aye? :}

wasted sunday

at least that's how most humans would label it, even me at times (cuz i'm a human, or so i've been told)... skipped morning softball practice cuz 9am was just too early and it was cold outside (wah wah wah, ya know?)... slept late, played the college football game for hours, now, jackson came home and we head out to play softball...

may your day be as much relaxing and fun too :)

saturday cleaning

laundry from morning to night and some cleaning, but not much considering the volume of stuff that needs to be either boxed, given away, through away, unplacked, or somehow dealt with... too much stuff for one room, that's for sure, but that's part of living with a roommate, stuffing everything into one room... and this is a bigger place than the next place (we've got to move, it's just too expensive here)... it's amazing how much clothing piles up after a few weeks cuz i wear two, sometimes three outfits a day (basketball, softball, gym) and sometimes three or four changes of t-shirts in a night... and towels and sheets and now, all clean :)

now maybe next saturday i'll make a dent in the stuff :)

change of plans

the ucf game was on tv, so we watched that instead of starting the potter marathon... mac and cheese and chocolate creamy cake for dinner, yum yum... and ucf won again, yay yay... and wandering the web... and playing with happiness... and enjoying the cool (as in air temperature) night... and dancing in the dark...

you? :)

happy fifth v

yeah, viva duh revolutio, rufio... just remember, pan may know and you can too... i miss the waterboys, but all secret messages aside, home early to jazz up life (or maybe get some laundry and cleaning done since i'm way behind on such tasks and next week, the office...

exciting, aye?... well, the excitement builds later when jackson and i start our harry potter marathon in preparation to visit universal studios harry potter park and then, the following week, see part of the seventh movie... geekhood, ho!...

hope your life is fun too :)

turned off the net

that's what google and microsoft and all the crap commerical faulty greedy companies do, they turn me off the net and leave me with little desire to come and write and trust the words will be here when i click post or when i come back hoping for a comment or some contact... so i've been writing in my own offline world, in my books, as i've done since i was a little child... more often of late, as the net's superficiality is too glaring to ignore sometimes... someday my princess will come and share something real, right dia? :)

thank goodness for self-mockery, aye? lol lam laa :)

up yours google

yeah, I wrote a wonderful entry and google ate it, suckers, suddenly they are demanding my password every day and disconnecting me from my account with way too frequent regularity… is it the stupid microsoft vista crap software doing it too?... today my my documents folder view was reset… comebody hacking into my computer and playing head games?... more likely just another computer glitch… computer glitches, that’s probably one of the best names for this era in human history…

so I’ve been gone, and google/Microsoft helped…

how are you? :)

same question, different day

ummm, yup, about the same,,, work work work, yummy food, vegging with the tv, and oh yeah, playing hearts on the computer... boring in many ways, would prefer spaces and more competition, but it occupies the mind and keeps the multi-level synaptic exercise active even while i let the body entropy and for all intensive purposes, let the mind wander aimlessly...

and you? :)

what did i do today?

heck if i remember... work work work is all i've been focused on this week, so i know i worked... lots of work... mostly for others and not on any of the projects that would be considered my job, but that's the way it goes in that place... and vigging at the tv after work and eating yummy food, that is somewhere in the mix too...

you missed it too, aye? :}

what i meant was

sliding in to (into) a slight rut again... yeah, the previous post being explained by the current post and why else is this here?... well, i won the fantasy football game this week, bringing my record to 4-4, which gets me back in a playoff spot at the halfway point of the season... and the giants win the series (repeat 3x, aye?) and indy wins and the blood orange soda is serious (it's imported from italy, yeah, italiam soda, cool aye?)... and fool i am, i am still awake (there's too much fun going on in my head to miss it... silly to you, fun for me :)

the rut is lack of exercise for the body... i mean beside the long days in the sun playing softball on sundays and the brief game thursday night, the past few weeks have been lazy at home... and candy the past week didn't help... and all the other yummy indulgent food doesn't help... the brain is having fun, but the body feels the bloat and fatigue... jackson's working like three jobs and going to school too, so she hasn't had time to play baskeyball or go to the gym so it's all her fault lol :)

baskeyball? lol :)

slightly rutting

and so it goes, life, that is, but sometimes i'd much rather be righting slutty, really i would... but life is not always reasonable, no less lucky, so i enjoy what i do and treasure what i've got and hope for someone who can and who wants to do it with me who also has the look (or the righting slutty part is not much fun)... so work was busy and very little of my routine work got done, two external investigations, video reviews (with the broken camera systems which take much longer), a couple of hours of the annual mandatory training, more and more la la la...

home for a fat free turkey sandwich with fat free cheese and fat free mayo and mustard on a real live onion roll and then some frozen yogurt with hot fudge... yum... and while nodding off, watching ncis and the world series and monday night football... need to do laundry, but vegging is more fun... and restful... and fun...

you having fun? :)