home from the tourney

actually, i got home last night and stopped in to check comments and mail and such... no mail, which is the usual as i stopped using email and snailmail for corresponding some years ago... with a little help from my toronto family, aye? (ah, the sarcasm rubs, no doubt)... the apartment mailbox has a vacant card in it cuz i check it so seldom the mail person assumes the apartment is vacant... the po box is checked once or twice a month, but often the mail from there just piles up somewhere waiting for me to find time and motivation to sort through... and maybe that is because i no longer trust people on a personal level, not even for communication... could be i've swallowed too many lies, but then, it could simply be laziness and the desire to rest for the few minutes i am actually home... anyway, i do keep this up (and the babbling elsewhere), so some part of me still wants to keep in touch even if few else do...

deep thoughts, perhaps, as the tourney was fun but brought out some deep thoughts for the team last night about winning and losing and teamwork and family and egos and priorities and fun and competitiveness and statistics and, anyway, we came in third out of 29 teams, which would have been great had the coaches not been so competitive and the younger players on the team not followed suit... so much inexperience, it's amazing they got that far... the coaches were playing games elsewhere most of the time, but they returned for the two final games and we lost them both, i say largely due to the way they coached, the mistakes they made, and the pressure they put on the young players... we were on a seven game winning streak that was mostly without them and the close games were the ones they showed up for part of the games...

anyway, i sent an email to the team that i'll put in one of the babbling blogs just cuz that is what i do, or used to do, partly to keep in touch with myself, for posterity, and hoping that someone cares to know what goes on in my head more than the brief moments here, and ultimately for that dream of sharing everything with the one... yes, ever the hopelessly hopeful romantic even as i actualize the intimacy of a hermit...

maybe i'll write more later, but for now, the internet is frustratingly slow (att sucks, microsoft vista sucks, the usual suckages) and mostly i am enjoying sitting and vegging cuz it was a very long weekend and while mostly fun and nothing hurts (yay for the durable old body, aye?), fatigue is blissfully high...

hope your weekend was as much fun as mine, even more, even :)

could have been more

there was a whole day to write, really, so there could have been more, much much more, actually, if i chose to come here, but then, i didn't for the same reason i don't twitter (even though i opened an account there more than a year ago, or so), cuz i would not want to bore myself (or you) to tears with the same "still nothing new" twits every fifteen minutes, or hour, even... and if you want to know the news or ball scores or weather, you don't need me to twitter that to you... but it wasn't the porn, it was cuz i got nostalgic and started missing you and those who knew me when...

so anyway, there was an amusing moment tonight that brought twitter to mind and you can find the shocking truth elsewhere, bullsugar, if you know what i mean... i am feeling lonelier than usual tonight, even physically... horny?... and i am usually such a self-sufficient independent content-in-my-solitude kind of guy, aye?... way too content-in-my-solitude for my own romantic heart's good, i imagine... not to mention other organs...

yup, diggity too...

so how was yours? :)

hey blog family

especially the couple or few of you i am not sure how to reach at the moment cuz of movement or numbers changing and time passing and all that life stuff (and the many i haven't been sure of how to reach for years too)... from the places i created and all the places you gave me... a few from here and from other places too... every one of you who have touched my heart, even irl (you know... out there :)

i hope today is a good day in your world... and in the future, yours too...

i miss you :)

i need more heads

what i mean is, i need more brain, specifically, more information connected to my brain... maybe i just need better organization and efficiency and time management... what brings this on, you might ask (and it isn't cuz i want to look up and listen to robin wright laugh while bantering with craig)...

i appear to have missed out on a $229 netbook that i would have bought if they had one at the store i visited today after getting my softball pants hemmed (and while waiting for the same-day hemming, i wandered around the burlington coat factory and somehow found myself leaving with close to $500 worth of clothes that i may never wear, but maybe i will finally dress in pants and shirts {and ties?} instead of the fancy sweats i wear most of the time these days, for years, actually... yes, so i actually bought three pair of semi-dress pants and three ties and at least twice three shirts {that would be six, or a half dozen, at least, aye?} and two pair of shoes, or some sort of footwear and a jacket for cooler softball nights and a jacket for smoking, not that i smoke, but it's one of those smoking jackets you might find worn by alcoholic writers obscurely drifting through life on the left bank {of paris, of course}, which might make me cooler than i am if i wear it to the local poetry slams or something like that)...

yes, so anyway, i was a bit perturbed that i missed this $229 netbook and every best buy in florida is sold out except one and that one is between miami and ft. lauderdale and i am going to be in ft. lauderdale friday through sunday, so i tried to order it online but the site wouldn't work for some reason and...

i puased there for assorted reasons and then returned to find myself babbling so the entry, for the most part, was moved as expressed here in the next paragraph, after which, i will be elsewhere (see RealTime)...

this is a babbling entry that belongs in the babbling place that was not supposed to be RealTime, but became RealTime cuz it was easier and faster to manuever around blogger than diaryland even in the days of crappy internet connection like these days, but before this goes on any further and turns thereal into a babbling place, which was not the intention, i shall move these words and summarize somewhat, or something like that...

meanwhile, i ought to get some sleep and stop stuffing my face with banana nut crunch cuz today is thanksgiving and i am supposed to meet a friend or few for dinner somewhere and it might be appropriate to actually be hungry and eat something... so i shall thank you for visiting threal today and most likely continue babbling elsewhere cuz i am in a babbling mood...

miss you too :}

new and exciting

ok, so f5 (the key) inserts the date and time into a notepad so i can use the notepad as a chronological scrubble file even better now and with a little secret code (or some sort of identifying mark) i can let myself know (as in mark the date stamped scribble, ya see) when i upload it so i just might stop losing scribbles in the files cuz i don't remember if i uploaded it and except for sometimes, i do not want to be too redundant cuz that's boring...

oh, and this blog is so exciting, right...

of course i could start some sort of self-service public service announcement blog and add it to the blog fanmily (but i've already got 28 blogs at blogspot, at least a dozen (12) at diryland, and a few live journals and ... others elsewhere already)...

and just as of course, i could actually get some sleep now and then, but then, that would be so normal and boring (and sweet, oh, so sweet sometimes... to sleep, sweet sleep, perchance to dream, but dream or not {i seldom remember dreaming anyway{, a bit of true sleep, sweeet sleep, ahhhh)...

meanwhile, there's so much more to do around here... more laundry... hem the new softball pants... dishes... so much cleaning of stuff and putting away of stuff and stuffing of stuff.,.. too much stuff, and yet i have so little compared to most or even compared to the stuff i have in storage... and i sit and rest in the big green chair watching the ridiculousness on the boob toob until crag puts an exclamation point on the night with his irreverent humors and then, or now, to be more precise, on goes music... i'd share the playlist if i had more time or there was an easy way to copy and paste it, but microsoft windows, you know...

so what's new and exciting in your world tonight?...

almost excitement

between the championship and spirit award and mvp wins over the weekend and the pending eight days in a row away from work (i hope) starting tomorrow night, there is almost excitement abounding around here... and that's without caffeine, even...

did i mention jackson talked me into starting yet another team?... yeah, another softball team takes the field to fill the sunday afternoons... co-ed, and this one will have more girls than boys... cute girls too, and cool people inside the cuteness... unfortunately for my dreams of intimacy and falling in love, they are mostly not interested in boys that way... yeah, i mean sex... ironic, i look around at most of my best friends and find they are gay and while i am comfortable enough (the flex boys will all be sharing beds at the tournament to save money on hotel rooms, after all), my libido still lusts most for that dream of adorable petite girl...

and floating even closer to the core of the experience i've known as being me in this life, i still live in a very different place from everyone i've ever met in this life... and while it does get lonely where i am, i still wouldn't want to live anywhere (or anyway else)... so while i mock the excitement of life as harry and his band did when he'd say and the excitement continues to build, i still find the most exciting thing in this life is being me and the possibility of sharing...

anybosy wanna share? :)

more att suckage

i know, it's horribly distracting but this is the way it is, this week worse than it's been in a month or two and obviously it is getting no better in spite of what the customer service people promised a year ago... so the crappy internet service takes over the thought process in thereal one more night... thank goodness for all the other blogs, aye? (and he forces up a sneer between totally inappropriate giggles cuz yes, yet another new blog started this weekend and low and behold, it is a consumer oriented kind of thing, at least that's the idea... you know where to find them, on the left side of right are branches off the tree of madness {on the right side of RealTime™, of course}... but for the moment, thereal is att sucks)...

$70 plus a month for internet anywhere, but that is a lie because i can't even get internet at home some night and routinely, pages won't load and there's no way to download updates regularly and att lies again and again (after keeping the hold button on for way too long) and again, more lies about upgrading services in the area for more than a year now and so it goes...

that is my att experience...

att sucks...

how about your internet experience?

we are the champions, my friends

yes, the sunday team did something pretty amazing today... the first game was tough, the other team took the lead and we had to mount a come back and won, clinching first place in our division with a 10-2 record... the second place team was also 10-2, but we beat them 8-7 in the first game of the season... it was time the playoffs and we played the second place team in the other division (their first place team played our second place team)... and again, it was a tough game and we came from behind and won... so it was on to the championship game and our second place team beat their first place team so we were in the championship with the team we beat 8-7 in the first week...

i was pitching good all well, but hitting crap... luckily, the team was hitting well enough to win without me... the game was tough and the lead went back and forth and we went into the sixth inning (or was it the seventh) down by a run 7-6... we started hitting and took the lead 9-7 and i come up with the bases loaded and hit a ground ball that slipped through between the shortstop and third baseman so two runs scored and i ended up on second on the throw home... the next batter hit a ground ball and they threw home and the call was safe... i moved over the third on the throw home... the catcher got pissed off and slammed the ball into the ground and i took off for home and scored before the pitcher could recover the ball... the old guy steals home, go figure, aye?... they came back in the seventh to make it 13-11 on a couple of errors, but i got the last two batters to pop out and and we are the champions, my friends...

we were bouncing around on the pitcher's mound after the game like we won the world series, this team is a heck of a lot of fun... and the fun (and surprises) were not over yet)... we went to the banquet after the game and they gave out the awards and the surprise of the night was the team got the spirit award (which is a sign of acceptance from the league, which was surprising because there the league did not welcome us with open arms at first due to politics and cliques)... and then the coaches gave me a surprise by voting me mvp... what an ego trip that was...

so we finished 12-2 with a ten game winning streak (including the playoffs) to finish the season and this is the second championship out of the five leagues i play in and more ego stroking is these are the two leagues where i am the only pitcher (i share pitching in the other three leagues) and this is the league with the youngest, most inexperienced players... the difference is believing in each other and caring about each other and as corny as it sounds, the different is simple, it is spelled t-e-a-m...

yay team :)

bitter sweet memories

when i stop wasting time venting about the every which way but sexual raping of consumers by corporate america, i can remember things that actually mattered to me once upon a time and while i do not devote nearly as much time to the celebration of memories and mourning of losses and pleasures of dreaming and desperation of desire and passion and power of hope and other poignant phrases (oo) as i once did once upon a time, or for years for a while, i do feel it all tonight... if just to say...

happy birthday shari :)

the continuing suckage of microsoft

seems i am not yet done waking up and venting about the crap microsoft stuffs into a computer... i am finally finding the issues with vista that i never paid attention to because i was hoping that they were fixed by the service packs... when will i learn?... microsoft is right, people are stupid and here i am, dispising the crap on my computer, and still considering buying a netbook and another computer with a microsoft os and more microsoft crap stuffed in under the radar...

what is it this time, ric?...

well, the biggest pain is that vista is starting to hang more and more, especially after the laptop puts itself in sleep mode... at times, the laptop is prevented from going into sleep mode, so the toshiba software is finding issues with vista... and then windows defender is telling me that my virus protection isn't working because there's s glitch in vista... and service pack 2 is 1.6GB which is way too big to download on my connection (because att sucks too), even if i could be sure which vista service pack 2 to download (and windows automatic updates is on, but still it has not downloaded service pack 2, so i still have all the issues with vista because windows update does not work (oh, how surprising, another microsoft product doesn't work?...

karma is a bitch and what goes around comes around, or so it does seem sometimes... all i can say is bill gates better hope that is not true because with the collective frustration of world computer users coping with the bugs and glitches and hangs and freezes and crashes and incompatibilities and time-wasted and simply, crap microsoft software, if a fraction of that came back around on bill and the people who work for microsoft, i would not want to be them...

perhaps this is the newest level of hell, for those who believe people create their own hell, if only by doing the things that get them into the level they get to... beyond the ninth level of hell is a new level, the tenth level of hell is microsoft...

and how was your day? :)

netbooks

in keeping with the recent tech stuff thought process that emerged in the last entry or two, sort of, mostly because microsoft still sucks (and if i had time i'd find and link my other rants about the suckage of microsoft and att and most of the corporations milking people dry in our modern world, but time time time is not on my side, no it isn't, these days, even if it is still telling you a story, with and without acknowledged or not musical references, after all), i am, almost daily of late, pondering the purchase of a netbook...

the reason is largely because the writing jones is itching to be scratched more and more once again... and the portability of a netbook would allow for more five minute blurbs scribbled throughout the day than a full 15.6 inch laptop does... or so the theory in my head goes... and that is possible, perhaps probable, but an 8.9 inch or even smaller would, but similar logic, be more effective than a 10.1 inch and all i seem to see lately are the 10.1 inch models, so would the difference make the difference i would like it to make and would the actual difference be worth the ever rising netbook prices, and so goes the almost daily pondering...

a wireless keyboard would help as well, for even a laptop is bulky and quite warm for long term sitting on a lap, so ponder the wireless keyboard more, i say to myself, for that is not a $400-$500 netbook expense and it would make a difference for the babbler itching to scribble more more often more again more, evermore, again...

thereal is fascinating, isn't it?...

well, sarcastic, at least ::)

not that it matters

yeah, microsoft sucks, but then, so does att... their $70 a month aircard is slower than 28K dialup and too often, even with an apparent signal, pages will not load... not that it matters, after all, if the pages did not load, you will not see those words and if you see the words, the pages obviously loaded... having to shut down the computer and reboot sucks, but that is the norm with windows, after all...

all this techno-babble dominating thereal these days might drive away readers, if i had any, unless, of course, the readers were techno-heads, but then, as if there was any intent to actually write for readers, not that it matters, cuz there almost usually are none, though just of late, there are two, both anonymous and one clearly non-existent, present only as inconsequential spam, but the other, yes, one, thank you...

and the others beyond the two mentioned above, yes, the few called family on the sidebar, wherever you are, stopping by in rare moments as i might find you at your haunts, if you still leave any droppings on the web anywhere, thank you too..

not that it matters, but of course, it does...

one more reason microsoft sucks

i never used an apple computer for more than word processing and i never used a linux computer at all... the only computer os i've used other than microsoft windows is atari and commodore and both were better than windows, but that was the 80s... so i have no idea if mac or linux is really better, faster, less problem prone, less vulnerable, and so on the way most people who use it and most experts out there say... but i am sure, after using every windows operating system for more than twenty years that microsoft sucks...

the biggest reason for the suckage at the most influential corporation in the world is the obnoxious refusal of microsoft to simplify it's os so it will run faster and require less system resources... the more memory and power and speed computer manufacturers build into systems, the more microsoft sucks them dry and makes the hardware seem inadequate... it makes no sense, except from the perspective of profit margin and maintaining a microsoft monopoly, which just makes microsoft suck all the more...

the latest reason for microsoft sucking is the ruining of the netbook... there are almost as many refurbished netbooks available for purchase as there are new netbooks... the main reason is that microsoft prevents the netbook from performing well enough for seasoned computer users to want to keep them... those who keep them a more likely opposed to returning anything or new computer users or people who use the netbook minimally, if at all... simply, microsoft is no longer supporting windows xp and yet, it is the only microsoft os that can work decently (not well) on a netbook because a netbook does not have enough memory or speed to run the vista or windows 7 os... the final suckage is that microsoft lies and continues to take the stand that windows 7 can run on a netbook... even the stripped down and relatively useless windows 7 starter edition (most windows 7 features are disabled, so why bother?) runs slower on a netbook in every test than windows xp...

why am i ranting?... simple... i want a netbook... i want an ultra-light portable computer that is bigger than a palm pilot... the netbook, at under 3 pounds (sometimes 2 pounds) is the ideal carry around computer for me and yet, every time i psyche myself up to buy one i go to the store and play with several for half an hour, an hour even, and i come away without buying one because the microsoft windows operating system (yes, even xp) sucks... and they want to charge more for xp even though they are no longer supporting the product... can any other manufacturer get away with that?...

would you pay more for a car that you can no longer get parts for, not to mention that it crashes randomly and breaks your other stuff?... would you pay more for a discontinued model of a television that only gets three stations and randomly shuts down in the middle of a program?... how about a refrigerator?.. would you pay more for a discontinued model that randomly stops working, spoiling your food?... yet how many of us pay for this microsoft product that routinely crashes, spoils files and and fun and work, and is simply, regularly, unreliable... and we ignore the routine frustration, stress, anger, and spoilage... we accept the unreliability, like a bicycle that regularly throws us to the ground, if only emotionally and mentally injuring us, and we just climb back on and continue trying to ride...

maybe it's time to realize the microsoft bicycle has square wheels...

gibberishy

not to be mistaken for jabberwocky and definitely not the stuff of this supposed to be brief blog we lovingly and dichotomously (or bipolarly?) call ethereal as in e-the-real, which may be opposites hence, bi di and lovingly i suppose... yes, i suppose... i suppose i suppose a lot these days, but this blog is supposed to be the simple stuff like hmmmm, i really don't masturbate as much as i used to, ya know?... well, now you do... but if you really must know, i don't think there's enough pizza in the world for me to ever get tired of pizza...

that's a scary thought... too revealing?... well, this is e-the-real, after all... and a world without pizza?... suddenly, the body shivers... time to change the subject, obviously...

i rushed out of work on time and drove through mad traffic to get to the field and dressed in all my softball stuf in the car and waited and waited and suddenly realized it was wednesday, not thursday...

so i drove home and ate more cereal...

and how was your thereal? :}

killer cereals

so of course i should be sleeping (way back in time, that was the name of my first online journal... i think... ah, those where the days... blogging from the street for love, now that was a unique perspective... anyway), but instead i played that game (yes, that game, except this time it isn't having the video game diet effect it was having the first few months i played it so instead, i paused cuz it crashed windows vista again and ate a bowl of cereal in the big chocolate mug {in the big green chair} and once again forgot to close the parentheses) and ate and watched tv and added this after-parentheses part the next night...

i wonder how many of you got here by googling cereal killers, or serial, for that matter... isn't life strange?... well, it depends on perspective, ya know...

belly growing again, though i am eating healthy 90% of the meals... just eating at less than healthy hours and too much... if i wasn't lazy and didn't have the laptop on my lap at the moment, i'd make myself another bowl of cereal... yes, make... i don't eat cereal straight out of the box... i usually mix at least two different kinds of cereal together with extra fruits and/or nuts, depending on what's in the house... tonight's cereal recipe called for some powdered milk topped with chopped dates and golden raisins topped with kashi u cereal (black currants, walnuts, whole grain flakes, and granola) topped with post select grains (whole grains with crunchy pecans) and then ice water gets poured over the top and stir (not shaken) and munch munch munch slurp, rinse, and repeat...

yay brett farve!...

meanwhile, if you love what you are doing every day, then you'll be a happy person... that is what i want you to take with you, if nothing else... hopefully what you love doing every day isn't hurting people, or yourself, for that matter... whether it's painting or singing or dancing or playing with computers or running a corporation or flying airplanes or walking dogs or making love or eating semi-home-made cereal, as a wise someone once said, it's you're thing, do what you wanna do...

really, thatis thereal...

everyready day

the bunny reference, for the fun of it, is the battery, not the sexuality, alas, but the fingers just keep going and going and going (which could be useful if it was a sexual reference, come to think of it (who's snickering?... candy, that is), but sigh and all, or giggle, if you must, the brain nods off a few minutes and wakes up finding the figers tapping keys and wonders what in the world (or out, for that matter) the figers are doing and the eyes look up and vaguely see words, mostly, on the screen so the mouse is moved over to the publish post button and...

where did this year go?

i mean, thereally! where does the time fly off to cuz it seems like it went by so fast and lately it seems like life is zooming by so fast when i wake up and look around and find myself alone again, naturally or unnaturally, running the race (rat, mouse, ardvaark, whatever) from work to play to sleep (ever so briefly) and back round and round and round this bipolar loop (though sometimes it seems more monotonous than bipolar, it's mostly an amazing roller coaster ride and as fatigued and rushed as it is, i so prefer roller coasters to monotony)... yeah, i'll say it...

i pity anyone who isn't bipolar...

wasn't it a famous often forgotten early usa hero who first said, give me bipolar or give me death! cuz our founding fathers knew that life, especially the emotional/psychological life of an intelligent aware human being, is a roller coaster of ups, downs, and spin arounds and while the sudden rises and falls may be frightening those who fear roller coasters (or their own emotions, for that matter), they are the most exciting part of life's ride for me...

loving it, mostly, even the nodding off :)

what would you do if i sang out of tune?

i think about that song every time i see those two babies advertising whatever they advertise... is it etrade?... i have an etrade account,actually, and i wasted money opening it cuz i opened it years ago and forgot about it and somehow missed the fine print that says they charge something like $40 each quarter if you don't use it and since i haven't used it they've been debiting $40 for years and somehow the stocks i bought are gone (did they sell them to pay for the inactive account?) so i think etrade sucks just like the rest of corporate america cuz what is missing is actual caring about people and anything, animal, vegetable, mineral, corporate entity, government, species, god, anything that exists without an active actualized caring just plain sucks (sometimes not so plain)...

but there's a whole deeper profound path that this entry could have taken, but the absence of active actualized caring leaves me crossed up between cavelier snirks and crunchy distain (maybe that is why the typo snirk popped up, aye?) cuz whatever, and all that...

if it takes forever...

did i say happy birthday?

two of the most important people in this life as i've known it were born on the same day and not just date, but day and not just day, but year, that is, they were both coming out of their mother at the same time...

i know (yes, craig is on)...

and it might seems strange that these two people who are so important to me are people not in my daily life and haven't been in this daily life for a long long time (yes, linda, we remember) but there's a certain kind of love and devotion that only comes around once or a very few times in this life and it was quite amazing from a coincidental perspective that two of those certain kind of love and devotions came around at the same time from two different people who came out of their mothers at the same time... yes, mothers, so no, they were not twins, which might have been less quite amazing, but anyway, i am babbling for both of them and that isn't what this place is about, so i'll just smile and say i love you... both...

happy birthday barb...

happy birthday ray...

love, always...

anonymicity

there's a combination in words in there somewhere that title that mean (or means... close one?), for the moment to me, annoying anonymous comment spam... i do not refer to the nice anonymous commenter who's come around of late, who, if i had time to ponder converse and ponder some more as i've been known to do now and then, would have me re-evaluating the purpose and value of the time i spend tapping keys and uploading words and stuff, which are somewhat mutually exclusive at times, but then, at other times, not, as i might be demonstrating right here and now which could make then a moot point, but what does it matter when this is not what i am referring to in the first place, after all... i refer to the anonymous spam comments that have returned of late...

the biggest surprise is that it is GOOGLE SPAM... yes, out of place sudden capitalization, even... and we stupid (and if you don't think the powers that be think the average person is so ignorant that stupid is the appropriate word, have you wanted the latest my idea campaign from windows?... it's genius, really, cuz if enough people are stupid enough to by into windows being their idea, then they can't blame microsoft for all the bugs and crashes and faulty programming in their idea... ownership is the ultimate bye for everything) computer users are supposed to believe that google programmers cannot filter words found in comments...

it hasn't been frequent over the years, primarily because i am so obscurely unnoticed here in my gazillion little blogs and journals and diaries and other pages, so hopefully it'll stop this time without my setting the captcha on every innocent commenter (cuz i have so many people that would inconvenience, after all... nyuk)...

keep believing what you choose cuz that's what we're here for, narf...

sugar hangover

i slept in today and found myself waking after noon and then slept a couple or few hours more and woke with a massive sugar hangover cuz that comes from a combination of starting to catch up on sleep (one night is not enough) and a sugar OD the night before... it's kind of like a self-induced flu, speaking symptomatically, or how it feels... so i decided to skip the ginourmous game night and a few other parties today to sit here listening to my ear alarm while waiting for my head to explode...

you had to be there, or here, for that matter...

somebody said thank you

and it's just downing on me... i've become so insulated, so numb, maybe even callous in my irreverence seriousness and my cynical self-mockery and all that intellectual mumbo-jumbo that it's taken me weeks to find a shred of time to realize that somebody said thank you...

and i don't think it was SPAM either (must I? :)

seriously, thank you for saying thank you... it means so much more than i allow myself to realize or express, mostly because i have held myself in for so many years, mostly because i am waiting for the one, the partner, the soulmate, the best friend, the lover, the one who will share everything... why be anything fixed or concrete without her (or so goes the logic of the story of the life for me so far)...

and art garfunkel sings when will the right one come along (or was that paul simon?) and elton john sings all i ever needed was the one and so many other songs ring true in my ever so hopelessly hopeful romantic psyche... but i must remember this (not just as kiss is just a kiss, sigh), that a simple human kindness, a little recognition and appreciation at any hour of the day or night inb any way, shape, or form, that makes the wait worthwhile...

so i'll keep babbling, thank you very much :)

blurry again

yeah, erp, blah blah blah... so little sleep, so mucvh work, so little love, so much stress, it's a sick world we live in, a sick world we, humans, have created for ourselves... and after escaping for a while, i find myself buried in the corporate wars all over again and i wonder why... once i did it for love, for romance, for the money to buy the fun stuff, the vacations, the luxuries, and the comforts and securities of life... now, alone, i am doing it in the hope that someone will come along to share the life again, but it's all just rushing through the game for me...

oh give me a home where the buffalo roam and the deer something something all day... where seldom is heard a discouraging word and the skies... well, whatever, sunny skies, cloudy skies, whatever the weather it's not the weather, but it's the one you are with, the one sharing the weather that makes it worthwhile and fun...

yeah, a touch of clarity in the blur... and the moody blues sing a lifetime of i know you're out there somewhere...

patience, aye? :}

full circles are not always profound

life comes full circle sometimes... well, maybe a lot of times... the specific time i am referring to in this particular reference was inspired by kate hudson, who inspires my smile almost as much as her mom used to and that is the circle, full, even...

hey, it's more profound in my head than it is in words, what can i say (not much, but i can narky giggle)... anyway, i suppose all i'd have to do is be a world famous something, top-shelf athelete, popular for whatever reason, or at least obscenely rich to attract a kate hudson or goldie or any of the beautiful people (ah, remember libboland?... yeah, hollywood ruins the libido for anyone in real life, aye?)...

it's been a while since i had a crush on anyone, fantasy hollywood star or real life person, libido has not been grabbed and shaken and stirred and stunned and all that in years... i don't think about that much, but there's a sea of sadness surrounding the island of absent romance... so maybe i am lonelier than i let myself know most of the time, but i also strive to be a person who does not spend much time fretting about things that are not cuz it's more fun to enjoy what is...

still, fun as i can have all by myself, i love to love and love to be in love and my heart says to me quietly sometimes late at night that it sure would be nice for one of those full circles to come around for me...

(sigh :)

a bite of life

as opposed to a slice, i suppose... but since i don't do this nearly as much as i used to (see comments on the previous entry for more), i probably have more stainage than i used to, but i always wondered if the whole bathing brushing grooming experience was just an egocentric exercise in futility since the body deteriorates and dies no matter what we do to it and like putting on make-up, it just masks the reality of the being within... or is that just a rationalized justification for not making time and energy to focus on the minute details ot hygiene?...

oh, what you all must think of me now (bullsugar :)

eat less, sleep more, exercise more

(in that order)... for lack of full REM cycles is catching up with the aging brain and lack of sleep is catching up with the aging body and over-eating is weighing both down and raising the blood pressure to unhealthy levels (that's a sense-judgment as i don't make time to check the actual blood pressure these days for the same reason the place i live in is a wreck, no time for picking up behind myself, no time for laundry or dishes or cleaning or straightening or anything short of quick showers and minimal washings to have minimal clean clothes and kitchen stuff for minimal basic hygiene and cleanliness and such and that is both physically and psychologically uncomfortable so return to title and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat until it is actualized again)...

not that i was ever anywhere near an obedient child, but i could really use a good parent right now...

and the little duckling says... are you my mother?...

very much owie (softball report)

big ice bag on the right knee cuz the monday league is ridiculous as one of the teams is a full fledged B team with some definite A level players and the first three batters hit line drives right at me hard enough to bounce off my knee, hand, and glove (respectively) and shoot past infielders into the outfield (one so that the outfielder did not have to run in more for the ball)... that is definitely wrong, but hey, it was a sick kind of fun to play and get creamed by a team two plus levels above...

the unfair part is the league lets them qualify as a D comp team... if you recall, the Monday team is the one with all the guys who swing for the fences every time, which is not the way to win at softball... anyway, i sit with an ice pack on my very swollen knee and hope to be all healed by Sunday when the team that I take most seriously (and depends on me to pitch every pitch) plays again... that team (here's the good news) took both games of the double header yesterday, 5-0 in the first and 19-0 in the second game... we now have first place because we are tied with 8-2 records with a team we beat in the first game of the season...

we will likely be in the four team play-off in the sunday league... Monday has one more game and I won't miss it much... Tuesday is over and I won't miss that much either because it too was a macho-testostrone driven team, again, not the formula for winning softball... Thursday has three more games and it's becoming testosterone driven and I'll probably skip the game this thursday to let the knee and finger (finger very swollen too) rest...

i am back to hitting well, going eight for nine in my last fifteen at-bats with six walks and i scored from first twice and went first to third three times, which means my running is still improving... so yay for the fun and the improvement and the fun and the friends and the fun and the hope that i will find the dream team (which is more based on friends than winning) and the one so we can fall in love and live happilly ever after forever and ever and ever and...

how you doin? :)

blurry life

i'll leave the softball report for the next entry only to say here YAY! for yesterday's results cuz i am going to take a fifteen minute power nap before heading out for softball cuz i am seriously nodding and life if quite blurry and it's still not aging eyesight (though there is the signs of that too, for sure)...

i just stopped by to wave hi cuz i am missing literary communication and feeling lonely for intellectual stimulation (and sex too, but much more cuddling intimacy on the physical level and the mind misses love even more than the body, so here are words for you kind of like i just wrote to write i love you... cuz i do) and emotional sharing and believing in someone (will i ever truly unconditionally completely totally again?... all i ever needed, was the one...

and nodding off now, wish you were here :)

game night fun

yes, just getting in from the game night fun... a couple of new people and a bunch of regulars and while we were definitely a sleepier group than usual, it was fun... note to self: spend less on fruit next time... yeah, i almost kind of sorta didn't stop myself from buying $50 worth of berries (blue, black, rasp, and straw)...

but as i return to a regular social activity olmost every week, i am feeling the loneliness more and while there are good people and we have fun, the longing for the touch, the hug, the hand to hold, the cuddle, it is returning stronger than ever... as is the sex drive and while masturbation, for me, is better than most of the poartners i've been with, i increasingly miss shared intimacy every day...

and yet, there was no one there tonight with whom i would really want to make love... so eyes open and expand the population and keep hope alive...

for no apparent reason

sometimes i put off uploading a new entry because the current entry is pure genius, or more precisely, poignantly full of some information i with everyone could and would read and if i put another entry out there, that current entry slips into the abyss of the archives where some of the most brilliant (or personally representative of me) entries sit unnoticed for years or even, forever... so rather than delay the pending flood of entries that are bubbling up today in the few hours i have to sit and vegetate here in front of the computer and tv (not that there's anything on the boob toob around here on saturdays), i will include links to the profoundly vital entries i am overstating with delusions of grandeur and poor spelling right here and elsewhere as i ramble on today and possibly, other days as well (look for them, that's the game, even more of a build-up, aye?... ah, the self-mockery of self-importance and arrogance of narcissism still amuses me after all these years)... and since we know you wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight if you didn't know this, you can thank me later... and so, onward...

yes, in the interest of your sanity and future children we might have, let it be known that you must have all of the qualities (did ya see, did ya see?... it's a link!... shhhh, don't tell anybody) and more to get close to me, though if you hum a few bars you can fake it for a while, especially if loneliness is strong, but then you need to know that we only would be sharing fantasy bubbles that burst at random moments (even if they are euphoric and/or orgasmic before they do), so forewarning and all that, aye... seriously, your sense of humor must be flexible or it'll brobably break trying to keep up with mine (mine does pilates in it's sleep) if you really want to get close and try to know me... one test could be if you laugh at, and more importantly with craig ferguson, then you may have enough silliness in your sense of humor to appeal to my lofty tom-snootery (you'll have to write in for the definition if you don't already get it)... ah, but you may already misunderstand and be put off by your limited mind...

meanwhile, if you really know (or study, which requires a post doctorate degree, but kindergarteners have been known to get it too) a look at my history it should relieve any sense of offensive superiority you might have assumed i assumed, or presumed, or consumed, for that matter as the power of words demolishes any modicum of composure anyone might have when they arrive (but before you start thinking it's just like old times, i give you the word and remind you that you really don't know what's going on or what is real until you look into my eyes and sit and talk honestly for a spell cause all this internet babbling is fun and amusing (to me, at least), but cuz i love to play with my head, your head might get played with as well and even though i mean no harm, you might find confusion in my delusions and if we don't share the same illusion then misunderstanding is likely to follow, so take me with a grain, or a truckload of salt, for that matter, ya folla?...

are we having fun yet? :)

alas, locally lacking

for a variety of reasons, mostly lack of time but also lack of desire to waste time or brain cells, i seldom watch tv... i especially get mentally nauseated when i accidentally hear the news and local programming because i find local television lacking in many qualities that are required to attract my attention, qualities?... qualities?... ah, qualities humans are generally lacking and locally, well, it's sadly absent... of course it would be even sadder if i relied on tv for anything real, no less meaningful qualities, but i would like to see at least a modicum of effort to represent those and other good qualities on the supposedly real reality tv like the news... but the newscasters are vultures and they can't seem to hide their excitement about tragedy and disaster and cruelty and human misfortunes...

so i rely on a very few friends for those qualities, but i'd really like say i find them more around here...

back to real time

yeah, woke early (reasons elsewhere if you can find them) semi-listening to mediocre and unappealing local (and when i say local, i mean the south) football cuz there is nothing worth watching on local network tv on saturdays and i still live in this place where cable is not available and the sat services suck so i don't pay for them and the att internet service sucks so i don't stream anything while stuffing more pizza into this bloating body (must get strick with food for a few weeks after today... i wonder how many days this week i said this?... ok then, soon, i hope), i choose to relax, rest, and vege for a few hours the first time in way too long (must take a week off and give the time to me... taking a week off at the end of this month, but not home and giving the time to others from thursday through monday, dangit, fun fun fun, but no time for me... so must try to take another week off in the next few months... sooner, please)...

tonight is another game night, in the neighborhood this time... and there are two other party invites further away, but with fatigue extremely high and an early sunday wake-up for double header tomorrow, i'm choosing to stay close to home and may skip late night stops at the two parties...

am i rambling again? (with linkage!)

well, there's the original babbling that i've done ever since i could hold a crayon and scribble words on paper eventually called the written gardens that finally found some public viewing on my website (99.9% words cuz i don't take the time to learn the visual presentation stuff) and then the diaries, journals, and blogs and more blogs started proliferating on the web about twelve years ago and the progression from personal babbling to keep in touch (kit) to the thousands of pages on the first online journal through live journal and early diary land days (or nights, to be more accurate) to the blog spot times that bring us to the present (and so many others still active tangentially growing off the tree of madness that is the writing jones i enjoy so much), this has been a long strange trip and a long and winding road and much fun...

looking back (and around) i realize that i must find time to set up an ftp program and download all of my pages and update most entry pages as they are quite out of date (a few years for some)... but that will takes days, maybe weeks, and there is no such time in this life these days so everything i've ever posted on the net could just disappear one day and much of the babbling and rhymes are not saved anywhere... though there is always the wayback machine that has surprised me with blasts from the past at times, but anyway, this is an aside more to myself than to you even though it does provide you with some useless knowledge and therein ought to qualify as rambling, if not babbling, aye?...

and in the last week or few, after a pause during the summer of this year, it appears that i am feeling the babbler demanding time enough to overcome the demand for sleep (which is usually the case) and all-nighters are brewing and well, i guess the answer to the title question after all that introductory linkage is, hmmmmm, it's a possibility or even, hmmmmm, could be... cuz babbling is much like cartoons and as i believe the immortal words of one of the royal family of toons, bugs, said so well and we all know anything is possible in cartoons...

nyuk, nyuk, narf...

softball follies

six leagues, six teams, six families, a million stories in the naked softball follies... ok, so i copped the opening line here from some very old tv show, but the softball follies continue in realtime in thereal, so this entry shall record the fun and folly for the moment...

one team disbanded, leaving five and one is on hiatus (the work team that played together three seasons and took third in it's first season together, second in it's second season together, and first {and we have the throphies and city championship t-shirts to prove it} in it's third season together, rah rah rah), leaving four, but four games a week while working full time and trying to maintain a modicum of social life is nothing to sneeze at...

this week we went 2-2, which is the worst record i've had in at least six weeks (there was a fourteen game winning strewak in there where only my monday night team too a loss for a four week stretch, which was cool and i had a seventeen at-bat hitting streak going during that stretch too)...

this week, however, the sunday team won, beating the first place 1-loss team to move half game out of first place with a 6-2 record with four games left to place (first place team that we beat has a 7-2 record with three left to play)... on sundays i pitch every game... we have a double header next week and a chance to win out and finish at least tied for first to force a playoff...

the monday team lost to the last place team (ironically, the monday team is all male good players who are too macho to swing for base his so most at-bats end up with long fly outs or pop-ups with the occasional home run slipped in for the moment of glory... in softball, the key to winning is stringing lots of simple base hits together and scoring lots of runs, but younger macho males just want to swing as hard as they can every time and that's just what a good pitcher wants)... on mondays i pitch part time and i always play better when i pitch cuz sitting and dh'ing is tougher on this old body... i still hit for my average though... anyway, i think monday is 2-7 or something like that... definitely an effort in futility...

tuesday won to finish 5-5 for the season and that's it for tuesday's team until next season... i pitched five of the games and we won four of them, but it's another all-male league where long fly balls and pop-ups hurt... iu barely hit .500 in this league for one reason or another... hitting is mostly psychological and after going 5-5 in the first game and 3-4 in the second (we split the, going 1-1, because we forfeited the first game cuz not enough players showed up) and then being benched because i don't swing for home runs so i am seen as a poor hitter (go figure the macho brain), we lost four straight and then they decided to pitch me again and we won four straight to be 4-4 and then they decided to bench me again for the last two games and we spilt them... this was the first league i had more than one out in a game and in one game i actually went 1-4, the worst game i've had in two years and more than 100 games)... frustrating...

thursday's team lost it's first game this week to drop to a tie for first place with four or five other teams with a 3-1 record... the macho hitters dominated the game with long fly outs and pop-ups while errors gave the other team runs they shouldn't have had... this was the first game i didn't pitch this season for this team... i did go 2-2... we batted 13 in the line-up, and i was 11th, so i only got up twice... i understand that the coach thinks he is being fair to the other pitcher on the teams where there are two pitchers, but the other pitcher plays third base when he's not pitching on monday and on thursday (the teams overlap about four or five players) and i get to sit and watch because everybody else will give him flack if they are told to sit... anyway, we lose our fastest player who moved out of town this week, so hopefully we can get back to winning next week...

i pitch well and hit well for average and the two teams i pitch 100% of the games are the teams with the worst players but they know that softball is not all about power hitting, so they have had the best records... the other teams are always looking to find another power hitter to add to the team which sits players like me cuz they judge softball skill on power... and the all-male teams are beer-drinking junk-food eating party people who prefer the wing house (hooters-type sports bars) to pretend they are not staring at the scantilly clad waitresses while playing beer drinking games and eating fried everything, which puts me on the outside as i am doing muy best to stay away from junk food and i rarely drink cuz i long ago tired of alcohol (and besides, it's full of calories like junk food) and while the girls are sweet to look at, it's a false social encounter like watching porn or pretending to read playboy for the articles, so i still keep looking for teams that understand the fundamentals and play as a team, rather than for the momentary individual glory of a home run... and healthy eating and lifestyle habits would be a big plus... maybe i should try to get a bunch of vegetarians together for a team... a friend (jackson) talked me into to fronting the money to start a new sunday afternoon team during the other sunday team's off-season and hopefully she will find players who enjoy the game and play the fundamentals of base hits so it'll be more a team fun time... that'll be team seven, by the way...

and there are the softball follies for this week... odd that i choose a week with the worst record of the last five or six weeks (there were a couple of 4-0 weeks in there what with the 14 game winning streak)... maybe i don't take assessment and reord stuff until it balances out cuz writing about it when we are streaking could jinx the streak or maybe it's modesty or humility or maybe, most likely, i simply did not have the time...

anyway, i love the game... hope you do something active that you love too (with friends who share your ideals and interests and lifestyles, even better :)

what yankees?

somewhere in the background the new york yankees are bearing down on their twenty sixth or twenty seventh world series championship in the past ninety years or so which quite phenomenal from a statistical probability (or improbability) perspective and i woke from a typically brief after dinner nap to find myself thirsty with no liquid other than tap water and prune juice in the place... iced tap water it is, then, just as soon as i motivate this body to get out of the big green chair and get the liquid libation that the mouth is starting to crave...

the bloated blues still play (or is that plays... tenses and verb agreements can be such fickle follies) somewhere in the background of my mind, but mostly the silliness prevails, as usual, as the child inside remains incorrigibly blissful cuz life is fun with a hopelessly hopeful romantic heart and an insatiably playful imagination and a whatever else is inside that laughs at everything, eventually... usually sooner than later...

maybe i'm amazed :)

classic posts come late

usually in the middle of the night when nobody is watching cuz even when i lived with lovers or best friends or maybe the one who might have been the one had we stayed together, nobody stayed awake with me (not peter, john, or james, either)... did mathew have the right idea?... whatever, until there is a bible chapter written by a woman, it's all way too sexist for me and one of the things that baffles me the most is how women suck it all down without choking cuz the chauvanist and bias is so obvious... so many wanna-be martyrs, so little common sense...

of course there was that guy who always told me that i had no common sense simply for being me, thinking as i do, and writing paragraphs like the one just above this one (wouldn't it be trippy if another paragraph or few slipped in between this and the current last one before posterity gets through reading all my many words?)...

so maybe the last post (if not paragraph) was a classic of sorts, but how many people would have to say so before it is so?... depends, aye?... for me, it's halfway there if i say so and i just might, someday (narf)...

i miss sharing... i miss caring as much as i can care (always been told i care too much, which is so sad for me... anyway,

i fell asleep right after that comma... a comma coma, perhaps... and so which paragraph was the reference made to be classic posts something left subject distracted spam mail filter ignore me wontcha please?... whatever and all that jazz, i suppose, but you might have grasped a crumb of understanding if you had been there cuz, as with most classic moments, you had to be...

there :)

making rounds

ok, i'm down, or at least i was a little while ago... i expected to pitch tonight because i didn't pitch last week and the pitcher blew it big and i had pitched the previous four games and we won all four, but they had eleven guys for the first time in seven or eight weeks and they decided i'd be on the bench... i could have stayed home and gotten some rest... i did dh, but i was not into it and watched a third strike go by after lining out to short, both times with runners on second and third with two outs... i did get on the next two times, but i really got the sense that i was not part of the team... most of the guys were friends before the league started and it showed more as the season progressed until the last two games i would have been better off not showing up... nobody loves, me, not even the worms...

waah waaah waaaaah... yeah, poor poor pitiful me...

so i drove home and flew by a state trooper facing in the other direction and decided it would be a good time to slide over and take an early exit from the expressway just in case he was turning and i decided to take a detour to shop cuz i need soap (but what i really wanted was a decadent snack), but i never made it to the store because there was the sign... krispy onion krystals... or is that kryspy onion krystals... it matters to the y... meanwhile, i bought six with bacon and cheese... and then i bought six regular krystals with bacon and cheese... and then i bought a chocolate shake with whipped cream... and then i skipped shopping and came home...

twelve krystals later, and the chocolate shake with whipped cream, here we are, mostly happilly bloated (the bloated part is why it's only mostly... if only i could pig out without the bloat and without gaining weight, that would be a seriously real step toward a heaven for me... falling in love with the one falling in love with me would be the big enchillada, but stuffing enchilladas without gaining, that would be a seriously real step, yes it would... are you listening god?... it's piggy... margaret sent me... sort of... what's your heaven like?)...

so anyway, the loneliness of not having the one or the group of friends i can really get into (has it been that long?... wow, a long long long time... i am just not into the social thing unless i am in love) is a weight (boy, and i am carrying it a long time, aye?... musical theme music?)... the food definitely perked the body up a lot though and the euphoric druggy feeling that comes from pigging out is definitely wonderful... but anyway, here's the real, i mean, thereal, and not just thereal, but the real, downbeat style... i mean, just in case you thought i never got down or stupidly self-pathetic anymore (i mean, it has been a while, i mean, if you've been reading you'd know that, i mean, if you cared, narfenstein)...

all i ever needed was the one...

i should have bought more snacks...

or at least chocolate cream pie...

or ring dings or something...

or keebler fudge sticks...

yum... yeah... snacks...

ummmm, burp...

narf...

la...

:}

pretty pathetic, aye?

thousands of days, mostly nights, sitting here putting words on the web... ten times that many nights filling paper with ink... for the love of words... for the hope to share... because i care and sharing caring is the best feeling i know, i wave at you, at anyone, at no one always hoping somebody will wave back...

so many words, so many nights, for the love of words...

and where are the word lovers?... where are those who live to share... where are those who care, who live to share the caring, the doing good for each other personally... lost in social ritual or religious dogma?... buried in business and the struggle for material success?... hiding in superficial relationships or alone in plastic places?...

here i come, day after day, night after night, caring to keep hoping, writing, giving all i have to you, to anyone who might read... here i come, day after day, night after night, sharing a love of words...

with no one...

softball

playing four games a week is challenging these days, moreso because of the extra hours i am putting in at work and compounded this month by three busy on-call weekends out of the last four... phew...

yesterday the sunday team beat the first place team 10-3 and tied them for first place... yay sunday team... i had to rush back to work for eight more hours cuz a couple of challenging admissions needed assessments and processing... insurance companies are more challenging than the sickest kids, really...

today the monday team lost 16-15 as one of the big hitters flied out for the last out with bases loaded and me in the on deck circle... i didn't hit as well as i usually do, but i got two hits, scored one run and batted in four runs... monday is a frustrating team cuz they are all trying to hit home runs and we are 2-7...

the thursday team is 3-0 so far and could have a good year, however some of the guys can really have bad games sometimes because they let their egos get in their way and start swinging for the fences which lead to long fly outs most of the time... that's what happens on monday nights as the the males from the thursday team play in an all male competitive league that is better than the co-ed thursday league and we don't win much on mondays...

the tuesday team, again all male in a competitive league, and the team lost the first four games (two cuz not enough people showed up)... there's another pitcher and he pitched three of the first four... and then won four straight i pitched and then we lost the last game... i didn't pitch the last game cuz they let the other pitcher pitch to be fair... we might have lost even if i pitched, but we'll never know...

anyway, that's the softball catch-up for now... still wishing there was a partner in this life sharing it all, but still having fun all by myself... hope you are too :)

holy words, oh, i mean, holy words!

blind faith may have killed more people ad other life than any single concept or cause for action... all in the name of holy words, holy words used to kill better than any weapon.... but that's not what i was pondering when i wrote the title of this entry, it just happened to0 coincide with a old-fashioned conform or die type church service in a hitchcock tv show...

my thought was of the irony of words, as meaningless as they can be, as unnoticed and unshared, overlooked or forgotten, words can just as easily be the impetus or catalyst for profound experiences, for the most beautiful actions all all... caring, sharing, love...

for those who choose fear, you have my sympathy, condolences, and distance... for those who choose love, you are welcome, appreciated, and holy...

life at home again

the evenings i spend at home are few and far between these days as the calendar on the right would attest (and there are usually a couple of last minute things that never get on to the calendar each week), so tonight was interesting and i noticed the air conditioner is broken once again... they really have let this once luxury apartment complex rot away from the inside and i really must find time to look elsewhere as i can get a whole lot nicer place for the money i am paying here... and i could pay a whole lot less for similar digs, so the question is to spend and live in more luxury or to save and life in more plain frugality and the looking around will is what is needed before i decide...

so the air conditioner froze up once again... it can't seem to handle the pressure when i drop the thermostat below 80 degrees (it's even worse when i do some cooking)... i'll have to find time to get the maintenance people up here next week... or tomorrow, but i'd really like to tidy up a bit before i have the management folk up here...

so i pigged out on semi-home-made pizza and did some of the dishes and watched the world series and rested... and here we are, back to the moments in the real in real time and all that stuff that nobody seems to pay attention to anyway, but that'll be the pondering of the next entry, i think...

hope you had a good night too :)