we do what we do

we sing our own songs, for better or worse, and sometimes nobody knows... whatever may come after the last verse, the cycle of life still flows... alone and apart, we long for a heart, that knows how our energy grows... love can makes us blind, make some lose their mind, and still from the head to the toes, love is the strongest wind that ever blows...

yeah, la la la and all that jazz... so jackson is sorta kinda back with sanford against both of their better judgment and whatever will be will be, but i do not see it as a positive change... still, it is not my life and i will be here no matter what, hoping for no repeat of the last emotionally draining few weeks... being empathic (and using it) can be quite exhausting and still so far nobody knows... and so it goes...

work is draining too... some subtle messages have come to me that i may have inherited a bit of a hornets nest and it is becoming more and more evident that much of what i am hearing from outsiders and subtly from the inside could be true... still, the potential is so there and i love the challenge, though the energy level it takes to use my empathy is getting more and more challenging to maintain as the years pass... i really am ready for retirement, not yet another challenge to be all i can be, la la la...

wish i had all those old tapes i made to keep me alive and strong... aye toronto?

hope life is smiling for you (make it so!)...

narf :)

recapitulation, or something like that

the new record of a life does not appear to be replacing this (e)thereal blog, but i am making a slight (very slight, it would seem) effort to continue the transition into a new blog space that started some time back, more than a year, inspired by the end of the 11+ years at the psychiatric hospital, and yes, it was so very good to get out of that place... a new life started with the start of the summer of 2013 and i felt a new blog was appropriate, even if it has dragged it's feet in taking over as the daily blogging place... kind of like twitter has dragged it's feet over the years in becoming the brief 140-character blog that might so fit the scattered-brain peanut gallery in my head...

in case you have not (or are just not in the mood to click links and visit other places, here is the latest of the few blog entries left in the no longer new, but still not really flowing record of a life...

let the brain and body fall asleep early last night, the sun was still up at the time, and woke naturally a couple of hours ago... moved clothes from the washer to the dryer... then sat here and explored a bit... most of this month i have been away from the internet, the blogging, the facebook, the twitter (i did not realize that i ignored twitter since july... and nobody missed me, go figure... my online presence is so deeply incognito, so unintrusive, so invisible most of the time... occasionally on facebook i engage in conversations, but i do not keep in touch with anyone on any sort of frequent basis online anymore on any sites in any way... i miss those i used to call friends online... and in a strangely warm and genuinely meaningful way, treasure the few who occasionally reconnect with a few words for brief moments... even those i never actually met offline... life is like that, i suppose, we make of it what we want it to be and choose what matters to us in our minds)...

the new work life does not allow much free time for pondering anything these days as i am expanding my work connections, building working relationships and learning more systems each day... this week i started modifying some and creating new systems to provide needed structure for the management team, holding our first management meeting on monday to lay out the first steps for reorganization for them and yesterday i visited sister facilities in tampa, connecting with a senior DON (director of Nursing) there to enlist her help as a consultant for my DON who is very new to administrative nursing and needs to build her confidence, assertiveness, supervisory, and medical decision-making skills... nurses typically rely on doctors for most medical decisions, but a DON in an ICF must make many more decisions, including medical decision, than the average nurse... it's a learning curve that can take time, but it starts with active support and i helped set that up for her yesterday... then i had lunch and met with my counterpart at the tampa ICF... some questions answers, some war stories shared, and another bridge built...

so this morning i took a few hours to enjoy my time, the mostly silent stillness of night... it is a cool night, no air conditioner needed, patio door and windows open, lots of green life breathing fresh air into my lungs, and a quiet darkness under a twinkling sky...

we shall see if there is a different flavor or style there as time moves along i suppose... sometimes there might seem to be for you, or for some of you, but not for me... and sometimes, not for me but you see something i don't... that is the nature of perception through our individual perspectives, after all... and as if you did not know, i do appreciate your perspectives (and not just about me and my blogging ways), so please share even when i do not solicit something specific like what you think of the last, present (this blog), and possible future of personal blogging in these written gardens...

what has changed and how has the writing (and me and us) evolved (or devolved) and revolved over the years (ready? lol lam)... 199?... 2001... 2001... 2001... 2004... 2006... 2008... 2012... (and so many are left out) and through the hills along the way...

make today a good day, m'ok? :)

neat new light

i bought two new desk-type lamps in the past week or so... i like small lamps... small footprint, narrow necks, small lighted area... both of the new lamps are not of that shape, but i bought them at the typical everything store and not at an expensive lamp shop, so i got what i paid for... we needed these, one for the living room and one for the bedroom, because we did not have low lighting easily turned off from the seated area... and these were the only two i found...

the first one i do not like... it is halogen and gets way too hot... it's switch is on the wire... it stays in the living room... the second one is led, so cool and low energy and much much better... switch on the base helps too... it is three watts, 12 inches tall, and puts out 120 lumens in bright white light color which is plenty bright, in fact, too bright, but it is what it is and all i found so far... it is this one, to be precise)... though esthetically it is lacking greatly (hey, it's distributed by target and made in china - and wal-mart is supposed to be the bad guy?... but anyway, what can we expect), it sits comfortably on the left of the portable laptop desk i use when i sit the portable mouse on the armrest and move the laptop over to make room... it's a squeeze to have both on the laptop desk, but a wider laptop desk would not fit between the arms of the big green chair so compromise we will, and do...

searching target, i might like this one, but i like more flexible necks so maybe not... i like the flat head or even more, this (though smaller would be good) over a bell head, though this bell is sized better... more likely i'd prefer one of these two once i researched the differences... dyson is cool pablo shows promise i want a wayjun but don't want the quantity required... i will likely buy ten of these eventually... there's always this lot and this seems simple... i wonder if this one shines too much like on the screen... this one seems to fit most of my preferences... anyway,

maybe after raking in some income for a while i will splurge on some ikea or other higher end lighting like some of those in the previous paragraph... remember when i used to have time to ramble on about any little thing?... well, this entry, while recording the information i just took time to research, was slipped in here to give us the impression i still do...

narf :)

another fun day

we went to the ucf football game today and watched them win big... it is a great change to have a local team in the bcs rankings and being at a game where the local team easily dominated... the score, 62-17, makes the game seem a lot closer than it really was... the first score they game up, a field goal, came after one busted 57 yard run... that was most of the running yards the other team, uconn, got (about 78 yards total and just 70 yards passing)... the second score came on a 9 yard run after the referees gave uconn 40 yards on penalties, all of which were very questionable if not outright referee errors... halftime was ucf 45, uconn 10... the dominance was so secure that ucf put in their second string team with 10 minutes to go in the third quarter and they scored another 17 points while giving up a touchdown after blowing one more play and allowing a 40+ yard touchdown pass... so most of the uconn yards came on two plays and some junk yardage in the fourth quarter with ucf had their third and fourth stringers in...

we had fun with friends tailgating before the game and jackson and i went to dinner at one of the chinese buffets after the game... the buffet was her idea, which is rare so it was a great surprise... she's out at a friend's party with sanford tonight, which has a dual edge as she still has not accepted that their relationship is over (we're working on that) and might be setting herself up for more hard falls but she is a big girl and makes her own choices... hoping for the best and acceptance and healing and moving on as soon as possible, alas, relationships can be so challenging when they do not work out...

manwhile, i stayed home to rest as i have not slept past 7am (and woke earlier most days) in three weeks what with the new job (which is going great and i ought to catch up on it but not tonight) and busy early weekend activities... like last week, we have 9am games tomorrow and this week it's a double header... i napped a bit when we got home from dinner, but happiness was being very needy and woke me a few times and i snacked and watched college football and the world series...

hopefully jackson will get home soon so she can play in the morning with some energy and without hurting herself (especially her knees which need rest and sleep)... i ought to head to bed now myself... so that's some catch up... hope you are finding ways to make your life fun too... please? :)

nite nite :)

extra softball and fun

i played softball tonight in a scrimmage game because jackson's team did not have enough players and had to forfeit... i pitched in usaaa rules (very different from asa and it took some getting used to) and we won... tomorrow we are going to the ucf football game and will be tailgating before the game with softball friends... missing sleeping in as i have not slept in for thew last three weeks as weekends have been early morning busy and work has returned to this life... time for sleep now...

nite nite :)

days pass so swiftly now

and blogger server issues are not helping... working does that, i suppose... and busy evenings and weekends help... all is well and with an income again, all is better for the long term as i stop living off savings this week... financial income is helpful in the overall life status, especially when supporting others... and while it would be sweet to have a large enough retirement nest egg to retire permanently... and while it would be sweet to have someone with whom i could share expenses of life... i was able to enjoy the year off without stressing over finances... i was never one to give money the value that most people give it (much to the chagrin of those who stress over money a lot)... anyway, there are more options in life when income is incoming...

softball tonight was challenging as we played a very good team and the good news is we were not run ruled... errors kept us from keeping it close, but we had some fun anyway... life is good, though i've got to make sure i sleep :)

eat won, sleep lost

got back from softball and flipped a mental coin which came up eat (the other side of the coin was sleep) and now, watching dvr after world series game one and byu beating houston and revolution and castle and i really ought to be sleeping but instead, i wrote an ode to z0tl for the blog family and the dark stranger he was online once upon a time, oh how i miss him, don't you?...

we won 20-11 as time ran out with me on first... the team is so cocky they let ten runs score just goofing around on the field (not covering bases, for one thing) but the hitting saved the day... it's really less fun every week as we run away with wins and the team will move to the upper bracket next season and i'd rather stay in the lower bracket, but whatever will be will be... wish i had more writing time...

sleep needs me, badly... nite nite :)

they're all against me

yup, the blogger servers, the google servers, the internet gods, the whole wide world wide web, even... the ridonculous abswordity of the fibbobble is i have been too busy to write much and way way too busy to wait for the cyber monkeys to cooperate and allow the few words that i would like to write and upload for you and me and posterity to be uploaded... scooby doo is working on figuring out how to stop the conspiracy, but until the famous dog detective (and his secret pack of helpers, including the warners, b. bunny, and a host of others who shall remain even more incognito but they promise to amuse us if they fail, or maybe they said fart into the sail... anyway, there is imaginary hope that the imaginary friends will cure this imaginary conspiracy before the imaginary paranoid reaches institutionalization levels) produces results, entries may be more haphazard than anytime ever before in the history of the multiverse...

today was another wonderful day from the overall perspective, though the challenges continue as the people we care for at work have such frail lives, many of them are hanging on to living by a thread... none can walk independently, most cannot stand and many cannot move independently, some have bones so brittle they can snap with slight pressure yet the staff still must turn them every two hours to prevent bedsores and delicately maneuver their limbs away from their body in order to bath them every day... most can not feed themselves, half can not swallow and must be fed through a tube... about half need trachea tubes and at least daily ventilation and suctioning in order to breath... so pneumonia is a frequent visitor to our little world and today it visited again along with seizures and the poor guy already has a broken femur... then there was the minor car accident where no one was injured, but it's paperwork and retraining and drug testing for the driver... and that's just an ordinary day at home...

tomorrow we have the first management meeting with me as their leader (omigosh, what have they done! lol :)

so except for the demonic anti-blogging forces, life is challengingly good :)

wtf blogger?

the uploading of new entries has proved quite problematic-tic-tic-tic-tic of late... or is that proven... nenenene... it is distracting... ruminating... word-slopping... nincompoooping... almost a waste of time... actually, waiting for the page to open and the entry to upload is a waste of time... and just look at how distracting it is...

work is busy and fun... the weekend was busy and fun... the details may follow someday...

how are you? :)

blogger blocking entries

might not be on purpose, but entries are not being uploaded much because the empty post box will not open sometimes...

and now i should be sleeping...

nite nite

what do i want from me?

i ask myself, sometimes with a laugh and sometimes with a whine, sometimes with wonder and innocence and sometimes with fatigue and desperation, what do i want from me... here, in these words, this apparent addiction to writing, to pouring myself into the written word, at times with reason and rhyme and at times, whatever might be... can the comma be abused?... as if i concern myself with grammatical etiquettes or rules as i write, aye?... it is the play, the experimentation and novelty and reaching for something new, something that has not been done before, an expression that through sheer will of difference, inspires a curious smile... is that what i want from me?...

it's a beginning :)

at work, at play

time does not matter until it runs out... all there is is the moment and yet, we feel so much more... yesterday, today, tomorrow... memories, experiences, dreams... a day can seem to go on forever... a moment can define a lifetime... heroism, heartbreak, revelation, revolution... pinnacle moments, nadir moments, the acme, the zenith, the infinite, the abyss... i have known more than a few of these moments, which is more than a few more than some experience in a lifetime, and yet, this perspective is truly relative as the extreme experience for one may be a mundane experience to another... and there may be many who experience far more extremes than i have known in this lifetime, though i doubt it, seriously, for what it's worth...

and to achieve it, to know what it means, or even this, even, even more with so little time here, the words must be saved, stored somewhere in the head as the life now takes me away from this computer, this blog, this box waiting for words, from early morning, before sunrise, to late in the evening as i return to a work life that will take all the time i will give it and i continue to play in the evenings, softball, cards, the child still singing i won't grow up (repeatedly)... it is what it is, what i want from me...

so long days at work bring smiles as i learn, so much absorbed today, new names and faces, the computer systems, logistics, files, systems, personalities, and eventually, my limits... and then, through the worst traffic i've experience since i moved here more than two decades ago, there was softball... a slow start for all, but we won 16-6 and remain undefeated... i went 2 for 3 knocking in 2 and scoring 2, including the winning run... there is still much fun, at work, at play, at life, even without the partner...

so many more details are left out as fatigue calls me to sleep, but it's been a good day...

narf :)

silly card parties

so when was it, friday, saturday?... must have been saturday since i am working monday through friday again so some time saturday afternoon i headed out to meet curly for a late lunch and then we headed to his place for a bit to meet a few friends and then we headed to harpo's place and there, slowly but surely, people showed up and slowly but surely, food showed up... mini-quiche, sweet potato fries, dips of assorted mixtures with chips of assorted textures, gnocchi, and all sorts of other bits and pieces of yummy food... and then, as if it was just the natural progression, decks of cards came out of pockets and people started getting silly playing cards... four, five, six tables of card games... hearts, spades, oh hell, asshole, and between room shaking bouts of laughter, there was talk about other games as well... it's a weird group of hurdy gurdy nerdy card playing fools, that's for sure...

just remembering, now, is laughing fun :)

remember your fun :)

life away from here

here being the internet and this blogging life, which is usually part of the same experience but a very busy fun weekend and helping some friends and a very busy weekday schedule as i start working full time has left me tired and crashing when i get home so i do not turn on the computer and, yup, this blog has been quiet for a few days or longer (time away is counted so differently, after all)...

life is good, challengingly good, fun good, busy good... softball has been much fun and i've been near the top of my game this past week and even though we (jackson and i) decided we will not return to play sunday afternoons and we told the team which was kinda sad cuz we started that team some six or more years ago, it was a great week for softball... friends were occupying much time as party fun filled a couple of nights and much energy and time went to helping as well... jackson is digging her way through the aftershock of her relationship ending and i took her out for several dinners and lunches and spent most of our home time with her... love life can be so challenging and while she is hurting, i am dancing to find ways to help in any way i can... we shall survive... and work, the new full time job has taken most of my weekdays... the long vacation was wonderful while it lasted and while part of me mourns the loss of free time, much of me is enjoying the new experience of returning to the working world... i see entertaining challenges ahead within what appears to be a very supporting environment even as it is a do or die position (administrators can become the scapegoat if organizations have regulatory or financial issues and this place has some they didn't tell me about during the interview process, but i've cleaned up much much bigger messes and hopefully will motivate cooperation and teamwork in this new place so i can make it home for a decade or more)...

there is a bit of catch up on life outside of blogging for us... here in this blogging life, the comments moderation feature seems broken and if you have left a comment it is still pending cuz blogger/google will not let me get to the comment moderation page... that's been since last week... i just don't have time to wait for the blogger server to pop up... one comment did finally make it through (yay and thank you) and hopefully whatever is blocking the comments feature will be fixed soon (they seem more interested in pushing google plus than in maintaining blogger these days, but we persist cuz blog we must, ya know)...

i hope life is not too challenging and you are finding and creating reasons to smile... i shall adjust to the new schedule eventually and be back to babbling and you ought to know by now how much i appreciate your patience (and comments) and sharing... i will make some time for blog reading this week too... for now, it is time to shower and head out to my first formal day in my office as i will be meeting with all three shifts for the formal introductions (first impressions, ya know) so i hope to find the right words and posture and all that to present myself well and win them all over and start the new work life with a rousing success...

i'm off to see that wizard now :)

here in this box

this box waiting for words sometimes sits here overnight cuz i fall asleep after opening it like i did tonight (which is last night now in real time, but hey, this is (e)thereal, not RealTime™, after all... nyuk nyuk, ya know) and sometimes days can go by with the empty box just sitting patiently (or perhaps impatiently, as we, being the ones who live for the words, might, if we noticed, if we paid attention, if we cared... but we do care, even when we are away, distracted by life or death or something in between, even) and yet this was days later, filling in the space of the day before yesterday, now, a day after, still, waiting for words... and then blogger sometimes kills the box, or at least removes it's power to upload, to transfer words to the blog for you to read... that is a cruel thing to do to the box, for the box did not choose to wait, empty and longing for words, the box just waited... that is life sometimes, here in this box...

and sometimes we don't even know it...

softball wonders

winning is much more fun than losing and somewhere along the way i passed along this weekend football wrap up, i think, i hope, cuz posterity wants to know, ya know?... pitching at the top of my game, striking out batters left and right, and a win in the morning and a win in the evening and fatigue crashing in the night... with the dvr begging for more space i watched some more tv... but mostly falling asleep on the couch a lot...

wish you were here... we all need somebody who gets us, ya know...

narf :)

so i gave up

for a moment or few days cuz the internet was disconnecting too much and the blogging was taking too much time and the life away from the computer was more fun and busy with friends and games and work and the brighouse connection and blogger servers have been providing poor service again as if that is the norm by far in recent months or longer even and so columbus did the natives of this continent no favors as the party continues with fun and games and stuff i might remember to relate some days down the road when there is time for writing and the providers allow me to upload entries without having to wait for hang ups and other annoyances and malfunctions...

life is not malfunction, stephanie (oh number five, if only we were here with her, aye?)...

mila kunis in the remake, without the kusher-man, please, cuz she deserves the magic she's always dreamed of that only we could give her, after all... and i really never gave up, but then, you probably know that by now if you've read me for a while... decades, actually, so where've you been?...

fruit narf :)

three days in a row

windows took over my computer... after restarting to finish installing the 26 important updates downloaded and installed yesterday, another important update pops up today, the third day in a row windows decided i should not use my computer...

time to get ready for my fifth day of the new job, so enjoy the silence windows is forcing as much as possible cuz this is all that shall be... and i was gonna start again this week what with the new job new life new new concept, ya know?...

windows sucks... may your day be much better :)

yesterday

windows is installing 26 updates and that means my computer belongs to bill gates this morning... again... sure, he gives me windows for free, but i'd rather pay for a product that i own than get a product for free when that means i must give that product my time and other products (like this computer and all the paid software i put on it) in order for it to work... yesterday windows installed one update... today, twenty six... yes, 26... it's up to #4... even opening this notepad to type these few words too way longer than it usually does and opening anything else means a wait of one to five minutes or more and then each task might take a minute or more, so the computer is not mine to use until windows update updates windows... it's been twenty five minutes so far... at least... we are up to #6... these were all important updates... some security updates... every week, more security updates... it is either incompetence or a scam from my perspective, because a product should not need to be fixed every week... and i should not be writing yet another waiting for windows update entry...

so how are you? :)

juggling home and away

the mornings are not my time at the moment as i give time and energy to jackson to wake her up and get her out of bed... she is depressed over the ending of her relationship and some nights i get home 8 or 9pm and she's already fast asleep and the next morning, like today, she does not want to wake even after 9 or 10 hours of sleep, which is the natural progression for this process which could take a few days or a few weeks, especially when she is hanging on to hope and texting daily and they are seeing each other a few times a week and spending time together and they are not really ending it... i'll give her the time and energy she needs...

so i skipped yesterday and have a brief note for today...

i dropped off my old microwave at curly's after work orientation yesterday and he was happy and his wife will be even happier... it is time for me to shower and join the dance out in the world now...

threed

kinda crossed between third and three, i suppose, this was the night i did not sleep, i think... i may have mentioned it somewhere or there or somewhere prior or after this entry but day by day i find no need to pray just come here to play with much nothing to say... blogger is annoying of late, more than ever since approaching and passing 5,000 entries in this blog and even worse still since moving to this new location so brighthouse may be part of the suckage of disconnects and blogger errors when trying to post an entry or publish a post or whatever it says... perhaps the corporations are suggesting i am writing too much or online too much or something too much like most everybody else, but hey, i pay for the connection, way too much actually, and if blogger google wanted to charge they couldn't get away with the deteriorating service they provide and since i am full up on space at my own website at the moment it might be time to consider free wen storage for photos but how to insert them into blog posts or whatever is the obstacle that stalls any move anywhere so here we are again, sleepless night...

did you miss me?...

narf :)

day two begins

decided to fall asleep during the football game last night and so i was up early this morning and decided to wake jackson who was asleep when i got home at 8:30 last night cuz she slept 10 hours and that's enough for a work night and after some friendly resistance we put on sneakers and took happiness for a walk and slight jog and she's stretching now and she is doing some light yoga and happiness is resting, pant pant, pant, and i will be jumping into a shower and eat something and head out to day two of orientation...

pondering the changes... starting a two week orientation to be followed by a week or few of transfer-of-powers does not provide a clear demarcation of changing a life or lifestyle, though waking before the sunrise and putting on office clothes and driving in rush hour traffic to sit in a room and listen to others for nine hours yesterday for the first time does make for a reasonable crossover from the life of leisurely semi-retirement to the rat race of the working life, so the new job starts here... cue the waterboys... or queue...

day one was as expected, definitely on the positive side... i met six people in orientation who will be starting at my place, four new nurses and two direct care workers... first impressions were good, though one of the nurses seems on the lazy side and used arthritis as a reason to ask another staff to get her coffee from the break room... not a good first impression, but typical of a 20 year nurse set in her lazy ways... my role and the environment here is different from the last place (which was toxic, dysfunctional, i had no direct supervisory power, and strong undermining was going on) and i am feeling very positive about the possibilities...

the orientation was typical, the usual meet the ceo/president and hear the mission and values and compliance program and risk/safety and quality program and hr rules and so on... room for improvement as they are just initiating the new QA and RM departments in the past month and the new QA/RM had car trouble or something so the training director did his part so most of my questions about the new program will have to wait until i meet the new guy... today is online training in the stuff mandated by the state and federal government...

and so, the new life begins, day two... i hope that, no matter what challenges life may put in your way today, that at least some moments life is smiling for you too :)

morning one

as in the first morning back to a working life schedule... can you feel the excitement?... why?... alas, there is excitement of a sort in the anticipation of change and new challenges and meeting new people and learning new things, but there is just as much (if not more) mourning for the loss of the freedom and relaxation and self-time of retirement... so don't let us get our panties all in bunch now, m'ok?...

laughing at myself, yes, but also numbed by the madness of our culture that destroys life and diminishes a life time for most people to slavery and servitude leaving a few precious moments for desperate freedom, independence and attempts at clarity and self-fulfillment...

such a harsh mistress, this truth, and yet, at least i have, through most of this life, done something i love... and now, once again, i am off to see the wizard...

hope you enjoy your wizards too :}

busy weekend, sorta

not that i did a whole lot, especially yesterday when i lounged around all day napping and watching some tv (dvr and college football) as jackson was out all day doing stuff... a lot of time was spent online commenting on news and facebook posts this week as the blah blah blah will show (that blah blah blah link is to the blog that lists links to most of the writing i do each month, including some of the comments i leave around the web... the only title comments get on that link list is blah and september had a lot of blah, saturday too)...

sunday, which would be today, was hanging with jackson and playing softball and it was definitely not a good softball day... the team did not show up and it costs dearly as we lost 6-3 to one of the undefeated teams which leaves us now with a 5-2 record and a slim chance of taking first place as we likely dropped to fifth place or lower with this loss... it was a game we should have easily won, but nobody was hitting (including me, i didn't get to the batting cages before the game and was stiff and not ready to hit or play, my bad, but it seems everybody else was even worse and the outfield was asleep most of the game... the coaches don't pay attention enough to notice the lazy play and tells them they played good defense, which is not true at all as all of the 6 runs the other team scored would not have scored if we played good defence, alas, which is frustrating)...

the afternoon game was a forfeit, the other team didn't show up... we scrimmaged and we were throwing the ball all around and not taking it seriously, so we lost the scrimmage big... unfortunately, though, we hit very poorly as well which is not good cuz we should have at least practiced our hitting seriously and we have been hitting very poorly the last few games... so it was not a good softball day...

jackson has a good excuse, unfortunately, as her relationship seems to be finally officially definitely over and she's dealing with the heartbreak and being me, empathic, that is, it hurts around here these days... yesterday and today the finality may have finally hit her and that is mostly what made this weekend a challenge and what occupied most of my time (cuz she's my best friend and i am gonna sit with her quietly away from the computer or anything else as much as she needs it as she works her way through it)... it could be a very tough week, but, sigh, this too shall pass... she's still the beautiful person she is and deserves to be loved and will be loved again...

i am thankful for this writing place... as you know, unless this is your first time here, writing lets the sad out... and i absorb sadness from those i love so they can let their sad out and there is most likely a lot more sadness coming which reminds me just how thankful i am for this writing place and my way of releasing emotion through words... it is easier when it is someone else's sadness, true, but even when it is my own, i feel much better after releasing the emotion into words... it is cathartic... meditative... transcendental... or something like that :}

i hope you find your way to your smile too :)

what was not there

this, for one thing, was not there... i mean, after you responded to the previous entry if you clicked on the next entry you got to the next entry cuz this entry was not there, or here, to be more precise, but now it is, for what it's worth... yes, it is one of those, or these, whatever these are... the entry with no direction, no purpose, no cause, no reason, the entry that just wants to to rhyme with season... don't ask me why cuz the answer might lie if i told you i knew it might not be true... huh?...

pretty sure i was out partying or home with jackson nurturing...

part and parcel with fatigue somes silly sonnetage like these with made up words and silly rhymes that help to pass the life and times of lonely days and sleepless nights while some men dream the babbler writes as if someone might come to read and see, you do, it's like a need that stephen king and chaucer knew or elmer fudd and wacko too with cherry drops and chocolate fudge the laughter sings and ends with hugs so never mind the wordless woes the lost and lonely silent shows the party is about to start right here, right now, within the heart...

we never know what we might miss, whatever that was, this is this...

narf :)

hello... hello... hello?

is there anybody out there? (yes, pink floyd)... and yes, i know a few of you are there and read silently and that's fine, but i do care about you all the time and hope all is well and want to know how you are so i ask directly like this, from time to time :)

you don't have to feel in the mood to answer at this moment, but just know that i wanna know and i appreciate the information about you know cuz i care about you :)

it's one of those nights (maybe eagles too) where i actually slept, but woke just after 4am and was awake, mind full of thoughts, some chasing their tails and others concerned with unfinished business and others excited about changes... the two thoughts (after emptying the bladder) that brought me to sit down here were a new kitten and a new job, on that order, at least consciously... jackson's friend rescued a tabby kitten she found and is raising it, taking case of all of the health and training and such and jackson wants to adopt her (the kitten, not the friend)... you can find more pet thoughts here... the second thought is the new job... they called today and all the screenings and paperwork cleared so i start orientation monday morning... so it is good excitement and likely why i am sitting here and not in bed...

but also, seriously, how are you? :)

a few thoughts on pets

first off, i do not like the idea of ownership in general and owning another living being is, well, somewhat irrational and highly unnatural to me... living beings are free, within spacial and social limitations, and caging one in the cages we humans call homes or apartments just does not feel right for me... when i owned a home and could put in small doors within doors, i did have a dog living with me (a friend asked me to take care of a stray she found because she {the friend} had other animals and she (the dog) was way too feral to integrate into her (the friend) family... happy (the legal name i gave the dog... yes. there is a pattern there) was quite a challenge to, as i cringe using the word, domesticate, but we became family and she lived several happy years with me (and more with a family in toronto, though her street years left her health not so good and she died relatively young, maybe ten or eleven or so... she was a beagle-fox terrier mix, feisty, skittish, nippy, and quite happy with me as lead dog)... i also cared for a raccoon that a friend decided to adopt in an apartment... i built a 960 cubic food cage in my garage until i convinced him (the friend) that racoons really belong free in the wild... he (the racoon) eventually made a home in the wetlands behind my house and occasionally brought his family back for a visit... and there other animals and birds and were fish and other living beings in my care over the years, but my choice remains to not intentionally adopt an animal for many reasons...

anyway, as i said in the next entry, jackson's friend rescued a tabby kitten she found and is domesticating it, apparently taking case of all of the health costs and potty training needs and such and jackson wants to adopt her (the kitten, not the friend)... this is what got me thinking about caring for animals, my personal relationships with animals, and pets...

and while i am pretty sure jackson will care for the litter box regularly (except when she is away visiting family, which is at least several times a year) even though we don't have a really good place for it in this apartment... we discussed where to put the litter box tonight and i offered a couple of alternatives to her small bathroom and she will think on it... we did not discuss costs... i cover some of the vet costs for happiness already (a couple of hundred or so every few months) and any pet, even a healthy kitten, requires vet costs... she can barely cover food costs most months... that is the third reason i do not have a pet, keeping costs down...

another thought is feeding... with two animals, keeping each from eating the other's food can be a challenge... happiness has been known to eat cat poop (jackson says she needs to get a covered litter box) and will likely eat any food left out for the cat, so that means no way we can leave food out for the cat... with happiness on a special diet (hill's kd... don't get me started), that means even more supervision at feeding times... and that means more daily responsibilities that brings us home more (costing more gas, time, and preventing some activities)... and that is the second reason i don't have a pet, i do not want daily responsibilities requiring me to be home on a specific daily schedule every single day...

the first reason i don't have a pet is not nearly as selfish as the other two... as i said earlier, is the concept of ownership of another living being... whether it is my imagination (as some might believe) or my ability to be empathic, i hear animals, especially when they look me in the eyes... most animals read body language very well... perhaps that is what i do... when my spine is aligned and i am in my most aware physical state, communication is simple and fluid... i am not necessarily there most of the time these days, but i still hear animals well enough for pretty good communication most of the time... rarely do i find an animal in a home or apartment that is not beaten down psychologically simply because the instinct to run free in the wild has to be suppressed and repressed and, well, damaged... and especially for social or pack animals, the social instincts (with it's own species) must be equally beaten down (and yes, i use that language because within the mind, that is the process, constant, repetitive, denial in various ways)... most people don't get it, but i know this...

removing the animal's ability to reproduce and cuttings it's claws or sometimes tails, alas, that is so accepted it is painfully part of the human psyche but like other things humans do and consider natural or right (war, for instance, or any of the human suicidal habits), i can only nod and move along on those most of the time...

anyway, for the moment, these are my thoughts on pets...

the other end of blowout

the thursday night softball team is not very reliable... so far we've played one player short three of the four games... we won two of those... ah, sometimes we are not the better team... sometimes by a lot... after a very shaky first inning where we helped the other team get at least 12 runs, but they could hit any pitch in or out of the strike zone anywhere they wanted and did... they play Men's A Division tournament ball... that like a semi-pro baseball team... and we had three outfielders again that first inning... half their team took inside spinning pitches to right field with hard line drives that reaches the fence without blinking an eye... any one of them could have hit it over the fence but in this league there is a home run limit so they just hit gaps... only twice did they come up the middle and they didn't intend to, they didn't swing at strikes that caught them off guard and would have come directly at me...

and then they fielded balls that no other team at a recreational or intermediate competitive level would have come hear... outfielders covering fifty feet full speed backhanded catches right at the fence... only one ground ball got through their infield... our lack of placement hitters caused too many fly balls that they were able to get under no matter where they were hit... their pitcher was all over the place like USAAA and not having a fixed mound (which is challenging for me, though i only walked one) allowed him a lot of leeway and he used that well... i only batted twice, being ninth in the order, walked and popped to first... scored once, tagging up on a fly ball... the final score was 26-7 in five innings... it could have been a lot worse...

so i believe we are 2-2 in this league, though i have not been able to track down a website on their page, so i am not sure... not bad for men's competitive level, though we are really a good recreational team... this league is supposed to be level D and level C Men's softball but apparently they do not enforce the fairness of that... our team can play level C ball most of the time, but I prefer D myself as the body is slower and more fragile than it used to be... there a wide mix in this league as there are teams that are not very good level D recreational teams as well that we have run ruled...

anyway, some fun, though don't feel i got to play enough only getting to bat twice and having hitters that offered me only one hard fielding chance that i might have gotten years ago, but now only flew by at about 90 miles an hour... want more exercise, which is why i play recreational ball, ya know :)

one of those "really?" moments

i reached for pretzels and chocolate milk icing for breakfast (what?) and moments after sending the previous entry out on the cyber waves to you, the tv changed channels... i switched back to the dvr to resume the show is was watching (which was about half over) and i found the dvr deleted the show... my own fault because i had the dvr set to keep only five episodes and another episode started recording, BUT!!!!!...

if brighthouse was my "friend" it would not have deleted the show... if it has software that automatically changes the channel and deletes the show when it automatically starts recording another show, then it should have have simple software programming to prevent automatic deletion of a show while it is actually being accessed and watched by the viewer, you know, your "friend"... a "confirm deletion" code is basic to most computer software, but not to our friends at brighthouse...

instead of taking a shower, however, i turned on the next the outer limits episode and went to get some actual breakfast... i mean, pretzels and chocolate milk icing is yummy, but i had leftover turkey salad and rice from last night and that is breakfast...

so how are you?...

distractions happen

i don't start a laundry cuz i want to take a shower... i don't take a shower cuz i want to jot a few words down... i sit and wait for the computer to turn on... while waiting i turn on the tv... the baseball playoffs update gets my attention and i catch up... and then more sports news... hockey seasons starts... football season prepares for week five... which reminds me to check my fantasy football league cuz it's the morning the players come off waivers and i must set my team for tonight...

so i see i got my second choice for kicker this week, though it was a toss-up for me as the player i put second was actually my first choice but the player i put first was the recommended pick and i went with that as first... someone else did too and they had a higher waiver wire place than i did, so i got my other choice... we shall see this week which one gets better results... the projection is i am in for a big loss as i am going against the best team in the league (payton manning is one big reason why) and my best player (adrian peterson) is on a bye week... anyway...

then the tv switched because brighthouse will not allow live tv when two shows are being recorded by the dvr and so i started watching the outer limits and... and... and...

i'm watching tv... good morning :}

tv alcohol

used to be that people in movies and on tv smoked cigarettes like chimneys... that changed when medical science, responsible people, and common sense decided that making cigarettes so visible was not healthy for anyone, especially children watching tv and wanting to emulate the actors, so cigarettes are rarely seen in regular programming now... but alcohol is a different story...

it is ridiculous that just about every tv drama shows that the only way to calm down, to deal with stress, to emphasize that the characters are really emotionally challenged, is to drink alcohol... i need a drink is said so often if might be the most frequently spoken line in tv drama...

for me, it just shows how weak the characters are and how little imagination the writers have...

how about you?

tv and softball 2 (more)

so as i was saying, watching tv has filled more days than ever before ever since i got the dvr... catching up on favorite shows (and you can see more about that here takes a lot of time ya know... it's amazing, really... i mean, the idea of using baking soda toothpaste instead of baking soda in cookies to promote healthy teeth would never have come to me without watching tv...

so i am just getting back in from softball and this wednesday night team is definitely out of it's league as we won another game and remain undefeated... tonight it was a four inning run rule 15-0... sad, really, but a few of the guys on this team like that ego food... to me, it's junk food, meaningless calories... no competition is at all... the other teams pitcher was hit in the eye by a ball thrown from the outfield and needed to go get stitches... he just misjudged the ball and it went past his glove... i might not be with them much longer though... tonight they brought a new guy in, young and power hitter, and he likes to pitch... so i played first base the last inning... apparently he's part of the team now and will be part of their friday night team too (the friday night pitcher was not pleased... he said he'd stop playing if they refund his money so the other guy could pitch)...

as for me, i'll play as much as i can... if this team decided to sit me, i'll find another team that enjoys playing softball and does not just want to have batting practice with teams much much less skilled... i still enjoyed the game cuz i played well and got exercise... made it from first to home the first time up... walked, singled, and grounded to first (hard one, first baseman made a great play)... a few rbi and scored twice... turned a double play too, throwing the ball overhand and leading the shortstop just right... could not throw the ball first to third though in the last inning... must take care not to hurt the arm if i am playing other positions...

and now, dinner and back to tv... maybe some sleep tonight, aye? :)

tv and softball 1 (more)

that's life some days, more days than ever before actually... today the Heroes marathon almost concluded, but brighthouse (you can read more here) got in the way (the ridiculously poor service never ends, but that's to be expected from corporations these days)... i will just have to try to find another way to finish watching since brighthouse failed their customer yet again...

i really out to nap now...

nite nite :)

another all night, err

i mean, up all night, as in no sleep tonight, or last night, or whichever whatever wherever huh... there is a ridiculousness about the lack of sleep i give this body... decades of lack of sleep... because i don't want to miss a thing... because there is no off switch in my head and time to sleep after i'm dead... and the way to my heart is through my mind, but there can never be a portrait of my love for nobody can paint a dream... miracle?... of miracles?... no wonder, aye?...

more dead like me and more heroes... and while sleep should have been one the menu some time ago, eight, ten, even twelve hours, and food could be skipped until after sleep and waking, i am cooking some eggplant parm, often called that because i seldom remember how to spell parm... and some bread and butter and extra cheese will make a meal... would add chocolate milk, but no chocolate syrup in the house... unless i find some...

it's a beautiful day :)

exercise please

after staying awake the last few nights to watch the dvr cuz it was closing on on 100% full and so i watched season three and four and part of season five (or at least they called them chapters three and four and five) of heroes and sleeping most of the days, jackson had a good check up at the doctor and decided it was time to exercise so we went to a local park nearby and sort of jogged and walked around a lake three times, probably about three miles... i looked it up, but did not find the exact distance... and i was hungry but... anyway, it felt great, though i felt the slide backwards way too much since i slacked off in recent times... such a sad lazy procrastinator i've become...

like everybody else, huh? (well, there's always hope somebody somewhere somehow)...

anyway, after the run jackson headed to her work, poor thing, she works way too many hours for far too little money... she of one of the overworked, underpaid, and seldom really appreciated professions... anyway, friends came over after that and we talked until just a few moments ago and now, sleep, perchance... ot more dvr... i didn't eat dinner... or anything today, actually, and it's way too late now, especially since i am determined to drop some weight... at least i think i am...

life is weird...

we all have our troubles

and there are so many ways to deal with them... i wonder what people did before drugs... alas, friends are going through some rough times these days, at least, i found out about some serious challenges tonights... relationships challenges... financial challenges... legal challenges... health challenges... and what we so popularly call mental health challenges... doctors are so willing to diagnose and provide drugs to just about anyone these days and so we have a culture of legal drug addicts... insurance companies milk people and the government to pay the medical and drug bills and everyone walks around semi-conscious, but are we really happier?...

and my role in life is to listen, offer wisdom and help however i can... it's what i do...

sometimes it gets lonely...

empty boxes

way back when this entry box opened, long before it had any words in it, something must have been on my mind... unfortunately, i did not type it in this box, so, this is all we've got...

someday a song might appear where this line is now
until then, there's this