almost reality

this might have been here had i been here to put this here at the time, but instead it is here now, whenever now is, only inferring that now is not then, then being the time date stamp, or is that now?... remember robert klein?... anyway...

is this real?... do we share anything real?... do we even know each other at all?... years of writing on the web and what?... i've met one person offline... ok, maybe a few, but one remains in touch... and another few stay in touch through words, but are words alone real?... maybe... but they do not and should not replace actual physical interactions and touches, check that...

it is nearly impossible to say how much of the 'reality check' is true clarity and how much is nearing burn out... mental fatigue has not been as high as it is these days since the days i spent all of my time trying to survive and understand you and what happened and why i was caught in limbo and how everything could be alright again and i cared about nothing else, not even myself...

these days the mental drain is much more multi-faceted and less emotional drain than pure mental (brain usage) drain coupled with imbalanced physical activity... lack of sleep is the primary similarity and may be at the core of such flat affects that do seem professional or aloof cuz that is what a professional or aloof person projects, a flat affect... it is lack of energy more than anything else, that is certain... if you want more proof, read the rest of the writings that have nothing to do with you... there are more complaints, analysis, flat-reporting, kind of a head-cleaning...

i don't sense my pulling away from you or my intentionally pushing you away or even testing you, as i have done in the past... just tired, physical, even more mental...

how long has it been since the last babble?...

how long has it been since the last rhyme?...

how few babble sessions, how few rhymes, in how long, the past few months, the past year...

these are the questions to ask, but i have no time or energy to search and explore for an answer...

and only i could... but someone sharing in the physical reality would certainly help...

sleep...