huh?

another long day with the surveyors, the unappreciative ceo did not help, but hey, that is life in the corporate jungle... get some sleep and start again...

awake

ok, not quite right after 24 but almost and missed half of castle (a part two) cuz i closed my eyes and didn't change the channel and then, a bit of news or something but sleep did come and awake for another long work day... 6 to 7, that's 13 hours, not 1, and also the sum if you add them up, but that's linear math, not time...

not all work and no play, but more work than play and alone with the tv too much... anybody wanna change the world? :)

sleep tonight

right after 24... long busy productive day at work... three long days of surveys start tomorrow... so far behind in the regular work, it's stupid, but that's the game...

make your game fun :)

extra few minutes

don't know if the extra few minutes of surface sleep helps when i press the snooze five or six times at nine minutes at a time, but once again i am running late so a brief moment here (most times i am running late i don't even stop by... which is one of the changes in habit i think i should make... at least a few moments/minutes of me time before heading out for each day)... busy day ahead, so hi-ho...

make yours beautiful :)

round and round

yeah, even the bullsugar can get heavy when fatigue reaches epic proportions (and it has a few times in this life and we are approaching one of them)... there is so much fun, so much rewarding, so much positivity, so much to feel amd expres, so little time...

and there is so muc more (links to be added)...

another rainout

for the second straight week we are rained out for our late sunday league, so the playoffs are pushed back two more weeks cuz next week is easter sunday and there are no games cuz of the traditional egg hunts and crucifixion celebration... i wonder if humans are the only intelligent species that get dressed up fancy to celebrate death year after year... yeah, i wonder if humans are an intelligent species, you saw that coming if you know me at all... or have a decent grasp of logical reality and rational thought, but we are in the miniscule minority on that one...

so i am sitting here waiting for pasta to bake and most of me is on the patio listening to the rain (and storm sounds) in the woods out back and the ncaa is on somewhere in the background cuz it's the elite eight and almost the final four... and the end of the michigan state tennessee game looks like a heartbreaker for tennessee as they missed a free throw (which could have been two points at this point in the game as they are usually one and one) and then fouled michigan with 1.8 seconds left... i thought msu was going to win, but it's still a hard way to lose...

kind of like a walk-off home-run that costs us a spot in the championship game on thursday night... we had a one run lead with two outs and the monster power hitter guy who i got to pop up three previous times popped up to the moon and it just cleared the fence... power... anyway, we finished third... we almost had a hard loss today as the team was making error after error for the first two innings and gave away ten runs... maybe two of the runs would have scored without the errors, maybe... anyway, we were hitting like crap until the fourth when we crept back to 10-5 (actually, it took three innings to get the five runs)... in the fifth we made it 10-9 and then in the sixth we scored 19 runs and won 28-11... we played very conservative in the bottom of the sixth and gave them a run to be sure we got the three outs...

so it's time to eat and relax and get set for another very long work week, but today was all fun and beautifulness :)

hope yours was too :)

early practice again

how much better i might do if i did not have to wake five hours early for a game just to stand around at the field getting tired because the coaches want everybody to practice... anyway, up and out the door... it'll be fun once i wake up... enjoy your day :)

lovely lazy day

and loving every minute of it :)

and lots of words found their way out there in various places from politics to fun, public and private, but still... and though friends were at epcot/disney today having much fun, they couldn't convince me to wake and be there at 9am for a super fun day and softball team could not convince me to come out to yet another extra, but not very productive practice (love 'em, but they really don't drill for improvement, they just have fun (which is important too)... the wonderfully beautiful weather could not convince me to wander further than the back patio and a nature walk that is ten feet from my door... not even a chocolate craving got me to drive over to the store (yet :)

relaxing was the name of the game today and i win :)

hope you won the game you chose to play today too :)

nothing much

most everybody i know locally who interacts online with me regularly is out having fun somewhere today and i am in having fun, patio door open, enjoying the beautiful day from the comfort and restfulness of the big green chair... fresh air, beautiful weather, some ncaa march madness in the background, wandering the internet on and off, adding odds and ends to a dozen or more different blogs, and loving the time to myself...

hope you are enjoying your day too :)

what?... awake?

ok, so i blew off epcot with friends and a four hour softball practice for sleep and i almost feel refreshed... it might have worked if the phone did not wake me a half dozen times since about 8am... early risers on saturday morning should be shot with sleeping potions :)

it might help if i un-forwarded the work on-call phone before i passed it along to the next on-call person... i am getting a bit more forgetful of late, though i enjoy the amusement so i am not fretting or anything... it might also help to not be on call every other weekend for a while... but i seem to have lucked out with the on-call gig lately, probably because the list of people willing and qualified to do it has shrunk to three...

and so, nothing planned at all for the rest of the day or evening or night and that is a gift i shall treasure if it actually happens... tomorrow softball, today, rest, relax, and maybe enjoy some audio-video meditations for my personal pleasurement... and of course, writing my own weird linguistic twists on the life, real, and whatever else may be :)

ok, i confess

wisdom would have suggested sleep but nooooooo, craving called for ny pushcart hot dogs cuz i saw them while walking downtown and i did not buy any cuz jackson is a healthy influence, mostly, sorta, when i want her to be... so i shopped on the way home as planned cuz i needed basic stuff and some ny pushcart hot dogs and onions in tomatoe sauce jumped into the cart and followed me home... i deny any knowledge of how it might have happened... they are cooking themselves as i type this and shortly, they will most likely stuff themselves in my mouth at which point i will be left with no choice but to chew and swallow or choke... oh, the trials and tribulations of a nocturnal former new yorker food junkie...

so yes, life is much busy, much fun, much love, much laughter, much appreciation :)

spacey fun, no sprockets

yes, the brain is buzzing sillyness afizz with postulescence, whatever that might be... fatigue rules, almost... emo-memory hunger rules more... so i prepare some emo-memory food, ny pushcart dogs... another long day at work followed by another long night of fun followed by another ridiculous self-indulgence and the life march toward death continues... but how much hedonistic love can be actualized in one human life is a question still begging an answer and i'm just the one to provide it... others died much much earlier in life than i and pushed the limits much much less, so i must be doing something right... or be magical...

life is fun, then we die, make the most of each moment :)

fiztzs

burnt out, so tired, work, softball, food, friends, fun, and stopping for cupcake snacks... and now, exhasperated... exhausterated... pooped...

went from work to softball then softball to dinner then hang out and just got home... work in a few hours, then concert, then weekend full of fun... will i be awake for it?... ridiculous lack of time in this world, really...

filled this in too

wrote this to a friend to catch up, cheating now to catch up here... just not enough brain energy or body energy to write it again from a renewed and creative and whatever... perspective, or something like that...

late nights at work and busy evenings, just home from a birthday party and early day tomorrow for the final day of a survey and then the playoffs for the thursday softball team and potentially three games in a row if we show up and play well and i'll be groggy as i have been most every day for a long time and then friday is another very busy day preparing for another major survey next week and then jackson has tickets to melissa ferrick for friday night and then frieds want me to go to epcot with them all day saturday starting 8am and i forget what's happened saturday night but sunday is at least two softball games and then the start of another extremely busy work week... running on caffeine at the moment, need to drink water to dilute it and get some sleep, eventually... life is fun, but work takes up too much time and the only writing time is stolen from precious little sleep time and the body is telling me it is not going to do this much longer but there is only one way to stop (barring the body taking over and shutting itself down) and that's stop socializing, at least until next month when i might be able to arrange less hours at work...

hope you're having fun too, and more rested :}

another sleepless week

work work work with dc (as in washington) auditors in the house and busy nights with a birthday party tonight, softball playoffs tomorrow, concert friday, possibly disney saturday, and more softball sunday... burning the midnight oil at both ends, yup, mixing metaphors too...

if only there was more time in each day...

and someone to share it all...

life might be perfect :}

time flies, i bloat

yes, i was stuffed earlier and then ate almost a whole second dinnerand why why why nobody wants to know for the moment in my head it's just bloat bloat bloat... ready for sleep, but bloat, so not good for the health of the body... stop, change the pattern, maybe next week... and if someone did care, would it matter... i don't even hardly ask the question anymore... need to stop the bleeding, finacial crisis and all...

it only makes sense if you want it to...

nyuk, narf...

home late again

in time to catch a little idol miss a little ncis and st:ng and eat the giovanni's eggplant rollitini and other yummies i stopped for on the way home and tomorrow, start all over again cuz the survey say, it is on... again... survey, that is...

march 27th 8:30pm turn off all lights?...

sleep fool

the good news is there was a bit of a bubble of babble tonight and though there was not enough time or energy to focus (or unfocus) for realtime babble, no less to slip behind the candoor, there was some babble tonight... and twitters, even (that could be scary)...

still alive, now sleep, dammit! :)

i tried, almost

yes, i did... i tried... i really tried... really... i turned on the computer and sent one message and nodded off in the middle of the message and sent the message and turned off the computer and kicked back in the big green chair, yes, actually reclined (which used to be one of the surest ways of falling asleep) and here we are...

several hours later, watching the colbert report demonstrating how much of a racist glen beck is (but still there are hard core black republicans, which only goes to show how powerful money is) and how many ridiculous ideas are coming from rish republican women lately (but who came up with the poisoned envelope glue on the census forms?... now that was genius, right, because everyone will laugh and no one will take it seriously and everyone will lick the secret mindcontrol drug that actually is in the census form envelope glu, but don't tell anybody, ok?), but tells us something new, stephen...

might as well chase an ambulance...

i also ate another midnight snack of cashews, deluxe jumbo colassal, some dark chocolate covered, and home made chocolate milk (made with fat free powerdered milk, nestle's cocoa powder, a couple of packets of the yellow stuff sugar substitute, ice, and the secret ingredient, two small cups of activia yogurty stuff... yup, made a half gallon of the liquidy wierdness that became close to a gallon after filled the rest of the gallon jug with ice and shook it up and let it sit a bit so the ice would melt a bit and then shook it up again and repeated the process until it was all gone and drank it all...

dinner was shrimp onion mushroom soup with a splash of honey hickory barbecue sauce for added flavor... i nodded off during st:ng (if i spelled it out, i wouldn't be nerdy enough) and woke slightly to catch some of 24 (if i spelled it out, it would not be the title) and then actually watched castle (if i had a drawing board and artistic talent, i might have drawn it)...

so i almost dieted... and i almost slept... and now, i almost babbled... not edward james, but a whole lot of almost, aye?...

almost reality

this might have been here had i been here to put this here at the time, but instead it is here now, whenever now is, only inferring that now is not then, then being the time date stamp, or is that now?... remember robert klein?... anyway...

is this real?... do we share anything real?... do we even know each other at all?... years of writing on the web and what?... i've met one person offline... ok, maybe a few, but one remains in touch... and another few stay in touch through words, but are words alone real?... maybe... but they do not and should not replace actual physical interactions and touches, check that...

it is nearly impossible to say how much of the 'reality check' is true clarity and how much is nearing burn out... mental fatigue has not been as high as it is these days since the days i spent all of my time trying to survive and understand you and what happened and why i was caught in limbo and how everything could be alright again and i cared about nothing else, not even myself...

these days the mental drain is much more multi-faceted and less emotional drain than pure mental (brain usage) drain coupled with imbalanced physical activity... lack of sleep is the primary similarity and may be at the core of such flat affects that do seem professional or aloof cuz that is what a professional or aloof person projects, a flat affect... it is lack of energy more than anything else, that is certain... if you want more proof, read the rest of the writings that have nothing to do with you... there are more complaints, analysis, flat-reporting, kind of a head-cleaning...

i don't sense my pulling away from you or my intentionally pushing you away or even testing you, as i have done in the past... just tired, physical, even more mental...

how long has it been since the last babble?...

how long has it been since the last rhyme?...

how few babble sessions, how few rhymes, in how long, the past few months, the past year...

these are the questions to ask, but i have no time or energy to search and explore for an answer...

and only i could... but someone sharing in the physical reality would certainly help...

sleep...

home from work

yes, that is right, i napped a little less thn an hour and then headed to work and just got home and i'm not done, but i will do the rest from home... and then finish up early tomorrow morning before heading back to my work, no wait, actually, tomorrow and for the next four days i have surveyors there from washington dc so my work is on the back burner squeezed in between survey needs...

life?... less and less time for life and yet, i love the softball, i love the free time i do enjoy, i love the manic pace of everything too, yes, even the work life... just wish i was sharing more of it :)

hope you are lovng your life too :)

wow, sleep deprivation

untention was to nap for three hours, at least, then play the playoof sotball game and then head to work to do the admission who came in this morning... and then, the rains came... and the responsibility or captian kept me away unti the rainout was officially called and i had simultaeuoys text conversations (and a few voice calls) to be sure everybody know not to come out to the field....

and two more kids were admitted in the hour between talking to the nurse, so i've got a couple or few hours of work ahead tonight, but for the moment a one hour power nap... if the phone doesn't ring again :)

may your day be as spacy good fun too :)

ridiculous, but true

so i am getting dressed for softball now and did not sleep and have a practice, a game, some work, another game, and quite possibly some more work... performance will diminish progressively throughout the day (and the afternoon game is a playoff game and half the team might not make it to the game)... this sleep deprivation thing, as much as i love it on so many intellectual and creative levels, is definitely getting to the body...

but i used the time wisely by clearing up some essential aspects of life necessary for better time management in my head (see previous post and if you are privy, come on over and you might be able to read my newset super secret journal that vents about everything and anything but respects other people's privacy by remaining super secret, or at least not publically shared, cha know)... now to just get that actualized in the physical world before i have a stroke or worse, aye?...

make today fantastic :)

i have been away (worklife)

not out of town, just caught up in the hyper-busy work that multiple investigations creates... my job is primarily twofold... daily performance improvement monitoring, data collection, processing, and analysis that becomes weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annual reports... and daily incident and seclusion/restraint reviews to ensure policies are being followed to reduce risk as much as possible... there is not enough time for one person to do it all without working at it more than eight hours a day at least five days a week and that means no days off... each monday there is three days to caught up on... a holiday, a vacation day, a sick day, creates more days to catch up on and there is no one else to do my job when i am not there...

and then there are the things that go wrong that need investigating, extra time and energy to interview, to review video, to meet with external investigators and regulatory agency surveyors to find out what went wrong, if anything we did was wrong, then take action to correct it and ensure it does not happen again... a single investigation can take two days or more, easily, two days or more in which none of the regular work can be done, so two or more days that have to be made up with extra hours... the past two weeks i had seven investigations to juggle and somehow get done along with the daily work... and two of the past three weekends i also was on call, so had extra work on four out of six of the past saturdays and sundays...

and as if that is not enough, a fourth aspect of my job takes even more time... whatever a surveyor arrives, it is my responsibility to provide them with everything they need and that usually means giving them the majority of my time on days they are there and then the majority of the day after they leave producing a report on their findings and an action plan to fix anything they found wrong... since march 1st i've had three full days of surveyors in two separate visits, meaning five days of work for surveys... it is march 21st and so far, there have been 15 working days in the month... four of the six weekend days have been work days as well, so only two weekend days allowed for any catch up... five days of surveys and ten days of investigations and that leaves most of fifteen days of normal work that would require 9-10 hour work days not done...

not enough of a challenge, it only gets more challenging... surveyors are expected for seven of the remaining eight work days of this month... somehow, the full month of daily work must get done as well...

and more... i took two of the fifteen workings days off just to recover and work from home because i can get moe done at home... catch up?... simply does not happen... so i throw skip some reports and throw reports together based skimming data and intuitive analysis, not scientific method simply because there is no time to perform the tasks required for scientific method...

and more... we do not factor in any of the routine filing and physical organizational work required to maintain some semblance of funtional order to the massive volumes of documents that pass through my hands every day... a full 40 hour week of creating file folders and reviewing and filing paper would catch that proces up, if there was only time... this is the real of work life for the moment...

and to survive, if find mental escape in games i enjoy, sometimes with friends, sometimes by myself... and also in audio-visual stimuli, stories brief as songs and long as movies and multi-part tv series... and in writing, though the past two weeks there's been much less time for writing because i needed to escape into external distractions to relieve the internal pressure in the brain... too much thinking, too much stress, doing hundreds of hours of work in a quarter of the time requires intensity that hurts the brain and to heal, escape into other thought processes works for me... a strategy game based on numbers... and sci-fi tv shows that let me leave the normalcy of human life as it is today to imagine a different world, way, and perspective...

i miss you when i am gone, even if you rarely acknowledge you are here... i miss the illusion of sharing, caring, and not being alone... but healing is a solitary process, so i have been away... i am not quite back... i have much more catching up to do at work, much more pressure to put on this brain, and therefore more escape time away from daily babbling as well... but there must be time for babbling... and then, there is the profound desire to continue the sharing in the myriad of other blogs underway... forty four blogs at blogspot alone and then, another half dozen reconnecting me with toronto (have i mentioned the connection has returned as strong as it ever was?... some would call me insane, but then, i am when compared to what humans call normal... it is the right thing to do right now)... all i need is about twice as much time as i get in each day...

and then, as if all that was not enough, there is the long term sleep deprivation taking it's toll in the erosion of this body and brain cells... here i am gathering my wits to explain to myself and to you where i have been and what my mind and body must fit into this life (and we have not included any social life, which does happen too) so i can make some sense of it and perhaps find more efficient use of the time...

fatigue... survival... and all i can hope is you do not feel too slighted by the limited time i can share with you here and in other places... i wish we could share more... i crave more personal and more intimate sharing... i must find ways to work fewer hours, as impossible as that sounds... i must find a way to take at least a week off giving ass little of the nine days in a row to work... i must find a way to fit in more regular exercise and more sleep (softball at 8:30 tomorrow, less than four hours away, and then a game at 11am and another game at 4:30pm and i am on call so i may have to run into work between games or after the last game, maybe a late night at work to start another long work week)... i must find a way to make time to find intimacy and fall in love again... if i do not do these things, i will risk burn out, illness, death, and definitely not be fully satisfied with life, even as i enjoy it immensely from moment to moment...

so there is a summary of life as i know it in e-the-real today...

how's yours? :)

woulda shoulda

another that would have been here had i been here, but it is here now, so there, or here, whatever... it was a time of working through a powerful frontal lobe headache bordering on migraine with nausea and all sorts of side effects, so very rare for me, but this one is a real pain and even lead me to take 400mg ibuprofen and two hours later it is not responding which is even more rare...

i think it may have been triggered by an overdose of sorbitol and protein drink... and fatigue and maybe stress... i'm gonna take vitamins and drink water and hopefully that will help...

it's been one of the busiest weeks at work following an even busier week last week and added stress of interference from the boss didn't help...

and this is the first week i have the sci-fi channel back in a year and a half and they have new friday night shows that i've been wanting to check out (not enough to get cable until the air card cost me a fortune though) and the head is definitely not cooperating, but i'm gonna lay back and listen and attempt to defuse the bomb in my frontal lobe from inside...

hope you are (and were) well...

did i mention (plug)

a friend from high school published a book and in my imaginary world of hob knobbing with the elite of art and science and so on, i want to send you a book, or point you in the direction of buying it... if you buy it, tell me what you think of it (cuz my opinion is not enough ya know - and i'm not giving it cuz i am not gonna influence you in yours, just influence you to buy and read it, ya see)... reviews are comparing it to sex in the city... not exactly my cup of tea for genre (doesn't mean the writing isn't great, so judge for yourself nudge nudge), but sure is a successful genre... so anyway, the book is a thought and actual material real thing out of daily life i wanted to share with you...

hope life is fun out there :)

idyl with idol

yeah, watching the singers... even though one of my favorites, lilly, was booted way too early, my top two, crystal and soiban, are still in it and tonight, so far, soiban has stood head and shoulders above every other performance... i missed the first winger, maybe the first two singers, so maybe there was a great one up front (thought the judges aren't harking back to an earlier performance tonight the way they did in previous weeks with crystal)... so far, i've had crystal one, lilly two, and soiban a very close third for the girls and michael, casey, and lee are the boys in the lead for me... katie grew tonight... the girls out-did the bioys for me... aaron looked like he was just trying to get it overwith, but he's good once he gets going... maybe a little to young to be in it long... paige should have been out last week, but with some of the other performances, she might even make it another week for reasons that have nothing to do with talent... yaym crystak closes the show, which means i missed michael, alas, but hopefully he'll make it through anyway... she didn't blow me away with the ending, but she can rock a song... tonight, missing michael, soiban, crystal, everybody else down the list...

wow, it's rare that i actually agree with the judges, after all, lilly is still third for me out of the group... katie may slide into the top three, at least top five... watching much tv? :)

faster?

we shall see... the tv is on and i haven't changed the channel yet... i am almost afraid to... i haven't had cable in years and i can get so addicted to the audio-video medium, even the crap (but now i have so much crap to choose from!... yes, i feel like several exclamation points, actually :)

the remote looks like a space ship dashboard... so many channels, there's espn... and all the cartoons... and so many specialty channels... and there it is, channel 69, sci-fi (or syfy... last time i watched it, it was sci-fi... and i am so not caring what they call it cuz it's ON!!! lol lam laa :)

i wonder what's new... at the moment, it's a re-run of stargate: Atlantis that i remember too well to get too excited about... appropriate, cuz if i got any more excited i'd plotz or something...

over-excited, nap time :)

maybe not tonight

that is, maybe i'll not stay online tonight and therein save some money... interesting day...

still spending money

yes, every byte costs more and yet, i am still here... other blogs have entries... i've watched a couple of youtube videos, read other pages, visited facebook and read messages and such, and other stuff... also got a bit more laundry done, this week i must actually bug spray and move in... ate a bit of leftovers, this week i must turn the weight gain back around... also, a bit of shopping, after that, i must turn the diminishing savings around... seems i have a lot to turn around soon...

must be spinning :}

until tuesday

i am paying for the internet by the byte, which bites the big one, cuz i don't need more bills on top of all the other lucury spending i've been doing lately... so anyway, brief stops to check mail and messages and comments and facebook and twitter and youtube and i obviously need the unlimited internet i am getting on tuesday...

shhh, i'm a cool nerd :)

the jc rockstars lost another game to another "C" division team 14-4 in five innings... this team is so not ready for C level play, but the league seems full of drama and politics and all i want to do is play softball, so it's less fun than other leagues... won the final regular season game with the ubc team (which is the most fun team this year and will be called group therapy next season)... not sure of the score, we did well, but that's the point, we're there for the fun more than anything else... so it was a fun day...

hope you're having fun too :)

what about sleep?

along about 8:30pm last night i turned off the laptop and was nodding off... watching tv and the approach of midnight woke me and suddenly i've been doing laundry (finally), for the last few hours... and i found myself writing and adding entries all around the written gardens and i found myself adding videos and i found myself actually making a slight attempt to find myself, even...

i forgot to mention a dvd player, need one of those too... and did i mention i paid $120 or so for cable and internet (the cable guy will be here tuesday afternoon, so i've got to make sure i leave work early)... yes, i will take a sizable chunk out of my savings with this move and moving in, but then, maybe, i'll focus seriously on saving again after jackson moves in... there's always hope, cha know...

must sleep some (and stop using bandwidth as i'm paying for each byte now) as there are a couple of softball games to be played tomorrow and of course it starts an hour and a half before the game so we can get our long lecture, errr, pep talk, from the coaches... at least i'll have clean uniforms and clean clothes for the rest of the week...

hope your weekend is fun too :)

extra vagances

yesm i am allowing myself many extra vagances (whatever vagances might be) and the budget was busted badly by moving into this two bedroom place four months before jackson will move in (though i love is so much more than where i was)... i should tighten the belt, eat out less, give away less, economize more, and especially watch the excess, but life is too budy with work and fun stuff to be focusing energy on anything else... heck, i haven't even found a new doctor or been to the dentist in at least two years (lost track)... living in the moment is the pleasure of life...

so looking up from the banquet, i find i've way overrun my data limit which will cost extra with my air card so it is time to spend more money and hook up cable... an hour later, or less, and i just paid for the first month of cable with wieless internet at 20mbs for $120 a month or something like that... and now i'll need a dvr and bigger tv and another computer and bigger hard drive or few and more... furniture might be nice... i need another job, but who has time...

i'll count pennies one of these days :}

earlier today

i wrote this on facebook cuz i had some messages to respond to, but it's just as much the real as anything here...

enjoyed a day off by sleeping in past noon and then watching CTRL and N (in the future, everything will be abbreviated in net nerd code... can Dr Horrible be far behind?) and loving to some new music for a bit and now heads out for dinner and catch up... imagine regular life-updates like this, how could we stand the excitement... or the sarcasm... i'm all atwitter...

get it?... it's just a matter of time :)

ok, actually, sorta

written yesterday to a friend, i share it now just cuz you want to know... or maybe i will if i ever read all this... or psterity, maybe posterity will want to know... whatever there is to know, that is... time may tell :)

so wow, i shuddered reading someone suggesting i watch some tv and wait for another day to come around... and yet i laugh... watching tv and waiting for another day to come around is one way to insure (or ensure) that i remain alone forever since i'm not going to meet anybody who might love me or live with me or share mad passionate sex with me by watching tv by myself at home...

yet this week, feeling sick, i passed up on a "haiti benefit" on tuesday night and a lobster dinner tonight (and a trivia dinner tuesday night before the haiti thing) and i don't want to go to a dinner party tomorrow night cuz i am still tired and really ought to just sleep for a few days, but i said i would go tomorrow so i will go... and friday night i promised precious dinner...

and i started writing the comment that turned into this entry almost an hour ago and the phone rang four times and life is just like that these days... busy but not intimate... sharing time, but not heart or depth or dreams... and much work... and i know this describes many, if not most lives, even lives of couple and families who live together, but that doesn't mean i will ever stop wanting to share more (incorrigible, remember? :}

i am feeling a little better, just wanting the endless sleep rest that my job and social committments do not allow (and it's been years)... it's the job that will not relent cuz even if i stop being social, work is still there... one of these days i will take a vacation for myself and head off somewhere and sleep for days and the theory is i will wake rejuvenated and back to me...

if that is still possible (hopefully, partly cheesy grin :}

take care of you :)

rediculose

so did i fall asleep or what?... much what... and after watching idol (and recording my commentary all through the show once again, for whatever it is worth to anyone who cares {and somebody does, cuz that's just logical, ya know?}... the link is in an entry here in the last few, i believe) i wrote more and glanced up at a few other shows and here we are, after midnight, and i am about to eat some more...

in other words, i am ridiculous tonight once again for i am still awake cuz this is me, adrenaline starts flowing more and more the closer it gets to midnight... and i was nodding off and ready to sleep through the night at 7:30pm... and i just ate way more than i ought to have according to the doctors and normals... and i want more... the doctor on tv says it's not enough sex, or something like that... and i laugh and look for spaghetti...

i also ate fruit...

crazy fool or hedonistic realist, alone i am impulsive like this... and until someone comes along to offer something better to do with my mouth, yum yum... hope your night is yum yum too :)

yeah, bullsugar

it's not gone, just lazy and in hiatus sleeping hinernating or something like that... al i have to do to see the few shows i'd like to see is get cable or digital tv and a dvr and record them and i can watch them at my leisure (or even at work)...

do i really want to stay up to watch the american idol boys tonight?... i could probably fall asleep right now... or at 9 :}

so is it that singing dream or that falling in love dream?...

both?...

of course... but if you just dream when you're asleep :)

mostly working

got home late again cuz the investigation part of my job has been sucking up time this week and precious calls low on cash so i run out to drop off some money with her (she works about four minutes from where i live, even less if i make the lights... yes, i live that close to the ucf arena, exciting if you are a college sports fan like jackson, aye?) and then home to eat and relax with american idol, yeah, some of the girls are finally growing on me...

maybe i'll watch the boys tomorrow since i am passing on social stuff to give the body more rest to help it put the bugs in their places, wherever that is... today was a better day for the body... tomorrow is an early day and thursday is potentially three games of softball cuz it's the playoffs... so sleep soon and tomorrow night sleep early... and how is your body?...

exciting life, settle for no less :)

vitamins

double dose of vitamins b and c last night along with a multi and the head is less throbby and less clogged and eyes are less blurry and ear is slightly less ringy and the body is fighting back better than yesterday... must take care not to create a too-big kidney stone with the vitamin pills, but they do help with the bugs... must be consistent... left forearm rash remains, gums much better, throat much better, scalp a bit better, body holding it's own...

how are you?...

more sleep would be nice, but almost eight hours is good too... eating less, but still feeling the bloat (lack of exercise)... and that is the real for this morning cuz i know you care and want to know... thanks :)

hope your day is full of (or at least sprinkled with) wonderfulness :)

relapse

got nothing done at work today due to the foolish actions of a couple of staff over the weekend that i spent the day investigating... this is the part of my job that is not my favorite part of the job, but it's got to be done...

meanwhile, those bugs i mentioned a few entries ago are back... i've been sniffling all day and feel exhausted and the rash on my forearm is worse and i've got a nagging headache and maybe the pollen count is part of why and maybe it's the tail end of the bug cuz the bugs usually end their days in my nose and head... that's why it'll probably explode when i die...

i keep nodding off here... early to bed would be a good idea tonight... if my ear screaming and exploding head doesn't keep me up... which is is doing (feeling like crap)...

nite nite :)

new season

the orlando flex have officially become the jc rockstars, the jc stands for john casablancas cuz our sponsor is john casablancas modeling and career centers... sounds impressive, no?... well, they even have testimonials (did they visit the wonderful wizard?) and they are all over the u.s.a... yeah, ok, they may be it is altogether possible that they are simply another internet pay-as-you-go portfolio services, but they are our new sponsors and they introduced themselves and want to give us stuff... today they gave us dum dums...

why are you laughing? (well, i am lol :)

we lost 17-14... ordinarily i'd be happy since we played one of the "C" division teams as we moved up to the "C" division this season and we are so not ready for that level of play... six "D" teams moved up to the "C" division and all the others who played "C" teams were run-ruled... that's a mercy rule where if a team is ahead by 10 runs in the fifth inning or 15 runs in the fourth inning or 20 runs in the third inning the game is called... one team was down by 20 runs in the third inning and the others were down by at least 10 in the fifth... we should have won...

i fells asleep at this point... or something like that...

hurry wait

on my way to softball, hours early because that is the way the coaches want it... and they wonder why the young team is more tired than the other older teams who do not arrive hours early just to sit around and wait and get lethargic...

yeah, so anyway, make today yours :)

frustrating day, still laughing

and euphoric and giddy and by all normal standards, quite bipolarly insane (it's a new diagnostic they missed in the new DMSV, but don't tell anybody cuz they'll look at you all funny-like)...

ATT really seriously majorly amazingly SUCKED today... if i wrote ATT SUCKS a billion times, it would just describe part of the day... i spent from 10am until 7pm trying to find out what the new POP3 and SMTP server addresses were and at least thirty different ATT CSRs left me hanging or hung up (of course it could have been dropped calls after being on hold for up to 55 minutes at a clip)... the fact is, ATT has some amazingly bad customer service people... and their convergesys outsourcing does not help their effacacy... fimbidimblestipts!...

so a bit after 7pm i rush out to work to take care of the admission who came in last night and collected my $100 for just over an hour and stopped at giovanni's and publix on the way home to eat lasagna and stuffed shells and chocolate milk and chocolate pie for dinner and bliss is as easy as that... la dee da dee diddly doo :)

meanwhile, i've got this red spotty itchy rash on my left forearm, a dry scaly rash on my left middle finger, a dry scaly rash on my scalp, an infected wisdom tooth, and a serious case of sniffles... is dr. house in the house?... this body is slowly falling apart and i'm laughing like the joker from batman... can't nothing get me down anymore?...

who knows, but nothing in recent years... it's like i've got a teflon psyche and rubber heart... or silicon... mercury?... it's all metaphorical, ya know...

hope you enjoyed your day even more :)

when bugs attack

yup, the bug is roaming around this body trying to find a home as the histamines and antibody-filled mucous gushes forth from all the lymph and other nodes that gush when bugs attack... and while i must give the new apartment a move-in pesticide treatment that i've been putting off mostly due to lack of time but also cuz it's been cold enough to keep the bugs hibernating, i do not refer to crawling bugs, i am pontificating about the teeny weeny microscopic bugs, often called bacteria or viruses (or virii?)... after avoiding them throughout an entire major cold and flu season while working in a hospital where everyone has been out at least a few days and many a week or more during this frigid florida winter (new record low last night, again), the bugs finally found a way in... most likely through the cut in my gum back where the wisdom tooth is, mostly likely cuz i crunch on a few too many hard crunchy dry cereal or nuts and one nailed that space between my never fully emerged wisdom teeth... yup, i've got stupid wisdom teeth, what can i say...

meanwhile, i am on call this weekend and have softball on sunday... jackson is sicker than i am and asked if i'd take the weekend as she was on call... so far the bugs are not seriously engaged, but they are irritating enough cells to have the sniffles going and the blurry head happening (of course a good long sleep would help, like totally, right dude)... i'll wine about the lack of nursing later...

see ya later :)

sick?

waking the last two mornings with the inklings of a sore throat, but it is related to a wisdom tooth that seems to be hurting and it feels like maybe there is a sore like to tooth pushed through the gum and got a tad infected like a cold or canjer sore and sp, gargle and some sort of sore med like ambusol for the next couple of days and hopefully no need for a dentist although it has been a while and my sonicare toothbrush did not survive the move for some reason (it won't take a charge) and also i haven't been taking my vitamins cuz i haven't unpacked all of them and so i have not been brushing with it so this note is a reminder to increase the quality of mouth care by either fixing or getting a new sonicare and find/buy/take vitamins and oh yeah, get more sleep...

if only there was time... maybe i'll cancel all saturday plans this week and do stuff around here and sleep and rest?... time will tell, aye? :)

go to bed

must... missing out on so much fun at night... messages, massive missives, craigyferg, and a whole life that might have been... the show biz dreams and energy and more... the friends and lovers and family and magic that waits in dreams... no time... bullsugar...

pushing the physical

physical fatigue is the norm, but not enough exercise for good exhaustion compounds the fatigue as rest (and sleep) is not as restorative (or deep) as it used to be... i am ready to nod off when i get home from work, so i sit and vege and write and then eat late instead of getting to the gym, a silly cycle, but i am enjoying life too much by myself to care about changing it at the moment... of course that could simply be the mac n cheese and chocolate dessert and fatigue talking :)

and craig ferguson...

of course... anyway, i hope your day was as much fun as mine... or more, even... and maybe tomorrow i will want to replace food with sex again and therein take the body seriously again, but for now, another new meltaway hershey's kiss and nite nite :)

where i live

naked on the pillows, cushioned and comfortable, tapping the keys with music and/or video floating through the air and some sort of flavors passing through my lips when i am alone or cuddled on a couch just as comfortable sharing silence or voices with a friend... in the words... in the real...

so why do i work so much? :)

change of schedule

i've got a friend who lives in the next building and she runs and/or swims every morning before it gets light and that is so not my daily rhytme, the opposite of my schedule in fact, but this body would benefit so much from more regular exercise, so...

i am attempting to start the day awake before sunrise this week (which means falling asleep earlier than craig... luckily he's on youtube if i ever find the time)... just moderately exhausted so far :)

deep breaths and just keep swimming with happy thoughts :)

sleep me

eyes closing, head wobbling, ear ringing, woozy... sleep me :)

relaxing morning

woke early to head into work but instead, after a steamy shower i sat here air drying, breathing, reading, passing brief messages on the net, and watching the sun rise...

some mornings are beautiful, even without much sleep :)

just keep swimming

sometimes profound thoughts are slipped into (or out of) the real (as may or may not have been the case in a recent entry, which might lead you to seek, but does not mean you will find, for after all the revelation is within your mind), but mostly i just let you know what's going on...

we won 23-12, giving up 7 in the first and 4 in the second and 1 in the third mostly on errors and balls that could have been caught, then shutting them down in the fourth and fifth... we scored 7 in the first and 7 in the second, so we were never behind, just needed more warm up our defense and it took two innings to get it... and i registered the team for next season, new name: "group therapy"... now we need a good t-shirt art... feel free to suggest/submit...

heated up the last of the food and ate and caught up on the brief facebook communications (no time or energy for longer messages) and now, nodding off... wish there was more time to play in my mind, to communicate outside of my mind, to listen to and get into music, to create, to share, and to write...

still, need some sleep... nite nite :)