almost resting right

yeah, almost... it would take a few weeks at least, maybe a few months to refocus and center myself after ten years in the madness again, though not as long as the last time i walked away from the rat race in 1990... the natural rhythm of this body is so different (as in nocturnal) from the norms of our society and living with a daytime person and a very daytime dog creates a very daytime space here, so the past week of vacation has been wonderful, but not free of sleep interruptions so fatigue remains... the intrusion of the work that requires my attention does not help as i am not completely free of responsibility for my day job even with a full week off... alas, i love to provide the guidance and the nurturing my work allows me to provide, but the self-time is so limited and broken, as i said, fatigue remains...

jackson has a nasty bit of a sore throat as well, which is this body's greatest vilnerability and i feel the big trying to get into my cells... socializing with friends at the parties of the season adds to the challenge of creating the me time, but then, i love the socializing as well... if only there were 42 hours in each day, there would be enough time for everything... hopefully the balance i create each day that has kept this body alive and the mind i inhabit smiling will continue to be maintained through my momentary decisions and someday my princess will come, as usual...

what is not understood is still present, and smiling, even if i am the only one who knows why... you are welcome to inquire or share as you please and i hope you do :)

lost in her eyes

well, wishful thinking, but seriously lost in the internet tonight as i've sat here for more than eight hours wandering mostly youtube watching and listening hour after hour and you can find much of my wandering and viewing and listening linked in all of the sites i saw pages specially tonight and tomorrow (remind me to fix that link tomorrow if i forget) culminating in the sheer adorableness and musical gifts of zooey deschanel who helped me finally completed the specific sites i saw for amy's birthday (though natalie portman and mila kunis {especially the last link} inspired the title of this entry and sheesh, where are faces like hers around here, sigh and all that)...

alas, and where did the actual physical world romantic i once was wander off to?... not to mention the imaginary one who wrote thousands of loves songs over the years... zooey would understand... yup, i am in love (yeah, lafs {love at first site} once again) with zooey and her music (adorableness is powerful, but mix it with a sultry sweet voice singing all those standards and it's linda ronstadt and melanie all over again) and still, mila's face melts me (seriously lafs)... superficial?... i so wish i had the opportunity to find out (as i laugh myself off to la la land now :)

nite nite and make it a wonderful day :)

a bit of bloat

soup, shrimp, pistachio nuts, chocolate milk... that was the late night dinner that now has the slight bloat oing on and the food is bringing on the sleepiness so the eyes are closing and i'll be back whenever... fun and games with friends, now sleep...

mostly famous

spent most of the last however long it's been wandering the internet listening to music and watching youtube videos (i added a dozen or so to pop news though half are interwoven in time as i am apt to do) and added a bunch of entries to sites i saw (where you can find the pages that interested me enough to save their links as i am apt to do) and even added some music to the soundtracks, which you'll have to find on your own cuz i am not self-promoting any more in this sentence and come on now, it's only fair to see if you have even a little interest in exploring and getting to know me other than blindly clicking on the easy to find links, right?... well, probably :)

in between all the mindless self-indulgence (actually, not, but see this if you care and if you don't have time for that, see this to see if you care at all... seriously)... jackson and i went shopping for presents (cuz i procrastinated so well) and then exchanged gifts... yay for a cool roommate and friend...

the title, a cross between hitchhiker's guide and zooey deschanel who's face has become my latest desktop cuz she is so very alluring (ok seriously, these came close but inspired me to change my desktop... by mila, hi zooey...

meanwhile, it's shower time and then out to play with friends again... loving this time off, some time for me, some time for friends, and even some time for relaxing... hope your week is as much fun as mine :)

holy shit

lol and i do not mean the holiday, though we could, but i am still referring to the foot-long (actually more than a foot long and an inch and a half thick and still stuck in the bowl, but you didn't come here for that graphic image, now did you... still got it though, huh? lol)... and then there's the holiday stuff too, i suppose... and while so many of us pig out (like we do on all the other holidays), so many others are hungry, starving, under fire, and close to dying and that's life... theirs are so different than ours... and who cares...

all it took was for me to eat a few veggies to start remembering... vegetables are so much smarter than we are...

if we only knew...

astonishing?

yes, whatever, what i wanted to chat about today was my shit, feces, that is... i was amazed at the size of the log-shapped fecal material that emerged (painfully, even) from my anus today... i was astounded, perhaps... it's still sitting in the bowl, unable to move down the toilet in spite of a hald dozen flushes and some industrial strength drano, three pourings, even... if you are laughing, welcome to my world... if you are disgusted or experiencing unpleasant get me out of here feelings, well, bye :)

i think it is time to change the diet for a few days :)

rolling wrong along

right along, just not right... stuffing the face with holiday goodies, so much sugar, so much pasta and cheese and sauces and bread and so much food and did i mention sugar?... the blood pressure and glucose levels are probably through the roof and the liver and kidneys and pancreas and brain and everything effected by the high fat high carb high sugar diet is being effected (or affected) and while it's a non-stop party in so many ways, i know it's also the suicidal normal western human diet that is killing most westerners (and probably lots of other humans) and someday soon i really ought to stop cuz if i don't the body will die or come close enough to force the change and then, it may be too late to enjoy the running and sports and exercise and i'll just grow old and die like normal humans which would kill me, if you know what i mean...

ah, the self-mocking laughter of coming home at this sunrise hour after a long night out with friends, so much fun is is to play... alone, what else is there to do, after all... wanna help save me?... gotta see through the grin and find a way to get me to take you seriously, eye to eye... nobody has yet, and you?...

hope you are loving every minute of it too :)

always work

yeah, so i woke up to work calling about an incident i have to investigate and report and so on and so forth and while it is not perfect, i was able to get all i needed by telephone and filled out the reports and sent them via computer so i was able to stay home, just had to spent a few hours working instead of vegetating and forgetting about work for a while... maybe tomorrow will be a work-free day, aye?...

twill be the night before xmas tonight and all through the house i'll be up all night most likely cuz i like to enjoy the quiet of the night, especially on nights when most everyone else is busy doing something else... as much as i miss sharing and cuddling and kissing and touching and hugging and loving and sharing caring in the body soul and mind la la la, i love my solitary time too and holidays are solitary for me most of the time...

hope your holidays are fun your you too :)

no more work?

that would be nice, but work chased me home tonight and so i did some by phone and some by computer and a family has an extra $1500 right on time for xmas and the hospital will not be sued, yay, there's some win-win situations in my work and this was one...

i left work early to get the five-year fingerprinting that is required now to prove i am who i am and haven't been replaced by a terrorist or something ad haven't accumulated any felonies or whatever that i have been hiding from my employer or the fbi or dea or cia or nsa or president or nasa or the aliens who run the world and while doing my civic duty i handled the matter above on the phone and then went to the tea house (infusion) to see a friend who was telling stories there and just before he went on, the phone calls finally ended...

good reading by my friend and good tea and then, home and fun fun fun till the new year takes my time off away :)

make yours fun too :)

out of time

yes, this entry and sorrounding entries may be out of time, not in the tim is up meaning, but in the out of chronological order meaning, but then, some of the surrounding entries were actually written on the date they were written, time even, and if that means something to you, welcome to my world, sort of, and if not, your choice, and if you stick around anyway, feel free to tell me why in the comments below cuz i be curious, if that matters to you, thanks, and if not, so be it, i may never know...

where was i, anyway?... ah yes, trying to fit two full weeks of work into a few days and not work 24/7, but then, half my work *or more) is not predictable, so there may be even more than two weeks worth and the planned time off may not be as off as i'd like, but i'm gonna keep looking forward to starting eleven days off tomorrow and get as much work as possible done today... you are missing the life i live, but at least you can read all about it here... sort of :)

hope you make yours fun too :)

once upon a time

this entry is probably a few days early as i anticipate some seriously deeper introspection in a few days as i intend to relish my alone time as i am techically off from work for eleven straight days for the first time in almost ten years... i'm still on call because, well, that's the job, 24/7/365 on call unless i specifically arramge for it not to be and that is not wise and not easy as only one person can cover for me and he does not want to and being my boss, he doesn't have to...

but still, once upon a time i did something with words that meant everything to me (and maybe to a few others) and though i do not feel the depth or intensity as i used to and i do not concentrate as i write as i used to and i do not communicate through words as i used to i do still write, daily, here (to the tune of more than 1700 entries) and many other places (to the tune of many more thousands of entries) and it would be nice to think that experience of sharing, that intensity of caring, that amazement i felt, that thing i did with words can happen again... stay tuned :)

i know that guy

or, to quote me, holy crap, i know this guy lol lam lal (yes, that is laughing out loud, laughing at myself, and laughing at {or about} life, in case you wondered) and yes, i really ought to be sleeping but i followed my brain once again and it lead me from one page to another and one thought to another and finally suddenly the answer to a question i've asked for years popped into my head and then on the internet so simply, i laughed at the foolishness of not thinking of it before...

he's an award winning (gold medals and such) violin maker extraordinaire and someone i've been stalking, errr, looking for, ever since my first reality break way back in the olden days when i stopped looking outside and stopped communicating and spent some time meditating and talking almost exclusively to myself (and that wasn't so easy before the internet, ya know)... and he lives on abbey court, which is so much like abbey road, at least in my sematically oriented mind, which inspires an enormous inner smiles that beams right out both ears (you'd have to be here to see, unless you are quite intuitive and then, just close your eyes :)

if i wasn't attempting a modicum of responsibility for the next few days, i'd certainly pour some more mountain dew and stay up all night rambling on and on about this and that and whatever the inspiration of finding an old friend would bring, but, alas, i am foolishly responsible at times lately, so i shall leave the moment paused like this and return some time later this week when more time is available without skipping yet more sleep...

life is still so very wonderful :)

feeding the head (and body)

going kind of nuts with browsing (especially since less than half of the sites i actually click on cuz sometimes i forget to save the address and sometimes i don't like the site enough to want to save or even mention it and sometimes i shut down the browser to keep the computer running cuz it is a microsoft system, after all... mostly vegetating between parties and decadent eating (oh, so much delicious food eating) and games and sleeping little and not exercising and wasting away in the hedonistic fashion...

too much fun, perhaps, but still working plenty and waiting for the one to come along to save me from all this madness ya know :)

hope you are enjoying life too :)

someday, miracles may return

just watched miracle on 34th st, the original (and only one that really reaches the corny sentimentality that santa claus is part of, though even then the truth was not clearly stated, that stanta claus is real and works his magic through the hearts and minds of every person who loves and cares enough to give someone a gift they want, but then, such brilliant logic was not in the writers either time i suppose cuz people seem to expect sentimentlity to be enough as in that line faith is believe even when common sense tells you not to and while it is a great line, i still say there is logic and common sense that can explain everything if you care enough to find {or create} it, so there :)

jackson never saw it and while she multi-tasked and missed some facial expressions and silent scenes that tell so much of the story, she said she liked it... though i don't think she cried like i did... yeah, i cry at the movies, some movies every time i see them and this is one... and one of the miracles i hope will come again is findings the one who sees and feels what i see and feel in movies and music and life and love and living happily ever after and so on and so forth and scooby dooby do dah day o, day ay ay ay o, dalight come and we're still only just beginning to live laugh love and create the magic of connecting at the core in love and more miracles as we laugh at ourselves cuz we understand each other and the irreverence and relativity of everything so completely...

hope your night was fun too :)

wow, yeah, body talk

so i was singing physical along with friends in some goofy home karaoke last night (we had a really odd mix of sings from creedence to bow wow to riteous brothers to billy joel to journey to fats domino to james taylor to beatles to... yeah) snf today, wow did i ever push and do i ever hear my body talk moving a friend all day...

life is so wildly wonderful when you mix extreme physical exertion with caffeine :)

it is so good to sing with friends

and i could have sung all night (as the show tunes return as if they never left, but then, where can they go once they are part of you?... lost inside in forgotten memories, perhaps, but never truly gone... it's just a matter of accessing the right brain cells... and the right left ones too :)

so the words of the favorites returned as if they never left and even some new ones written as the song sang itself...

and now, the time has come, to reassess, this life we're living
the truth, the ones we trust, the promises, the gift of giving
for what else can we do that might be better in our lifetimes
than to share love and peace and believe in the beautiful rhymes

for what is a man, what has he got,
if he just takes, and he shares not
what fool is this, that leaves you empty
what is the good of having plenty
when others need, and starve and bleedd
when others cry, do you believe
your god on high, one you pray to
is happy with the things you do
i ask you now, do you allow
the hate and fear to steer your plow
or do you stand above the fray
to sing your song and not just say
you live your life right every day
you share your love and not just pray
stand with me now, and come what may

we did it our way

la la la... i dreamed the impossible dream too, yup, me and the music in my head all the way home... some good people threw a surprise party for royce tonight and i got into the karaoke part like i never left (almost) and a few others did too, but just a few... memories miss the friends who would sing with me, so few i've known... i mean, imagine interrupting [iano man to say goodnight and expect the singers to talk, aye?... where is the love of music today?... ah, still somewhere out there with the lovers, the dreamers, and me...

long day at work tapping the keys, left straight to go to the party, great unwind, and now, the end is near again, the night is buzzing all around but i must be out the door in less than six hours to help a friend move, so i really ought to get some sleep... but the buzz feels so good...

hope yours feels just as good too :)

need sleep?

help me if you can i'm feeling sooooo sleepy... wishing you were somehow here again... tonight, tonight... i believe in music... missing you... and so it goes...

meanwhile, back at the madness or reality, i am so not sleeping much and so not exercising and so eating like only my taste buds have any say in my choices and enjoying everything way too much cuz i rally should maintain some balance, after all... one of these days i will hit a wall and switch to veggies for a while and sleep without phone or alarm for a few days (or at least one) and get back to exercise and running, even, but for now, madness ensues...

hope your madness is fun too :)

first love

for years i knew there was no love like first love and even then, i knew a few first loves and each stand out as unique one of a kind experiences but there's on more unique and profound than any other and that was when i was four years old (she was four years old too, it's not a pervert trauma story) and we explored the full spectrum of sharing in as many ways as four year olds are able (and yes, that includes playing with each other's bodies naked and laying on each other and rubbing and kissing and licking and touching all over) and that imprinted what love is supposed to be like on my brain (including the face) and then about a dozen years later i saw that face again and in spite of being in a very loving relationship for over a year, i completely fell uncontrollably in love with every bit of my being (including wanting to, which is the key, but that's a secret few truly understand) and today is her birthday... not the first one, but the second one... so happy birthday amy...

i'll tell you about all the other loves another time :)

the first time i was too young to understand
and the world does not allow children to love enough
so a broken heart was what i learned could come from love
but that just set me on finding true love again

and second time we were almost ready to fly
but parents still had control of our lives
whatever it was or became for you
the love was true
the love is true

so my heart wishes you all the love you wanted
and i hope the depth you've found in love is enough
wherever you are and whatever you do
i wish for you
the love is true

and i hope you have someone who would do anything for you
and love this true
for love is true

happy birthday amy :)

it's beginning to smell a lot like a pine tree

yes, so instead of staying asleep an hour or more ago when i nodded off in front of the tv here next to the computer in the smaller brown chair (which replaced the big green chair when jackson moved in last year... no worries, the big green chair is in the bedroom, crowded, but still alive), i drank grapefruit juice and then stuffed my face with pistachio nuts and a bit of lasagna and chcolate milk and mused over the fresh pine scent of the tree not growing in brooklyn, but rather sitting in a small green pot-stand clinging to life for a few last gasps (soon to be decorated with lights and garland and tinsel and such) of celebration before it returns to the earth... ho ho ho, ya know?...

it's gonna be a sleepy day tomorrow (but still i love the night :)

last night, football

tonight, xmas tree after dinner at macaroni grill... i'll catch up on last night in the previous entry that i'll write and upload after this one (cuz i just love to pretend i can manipulate time, right?)... here, now, listening to music (and someday i will have a program that will print the momentary playlist to a blog or file so i can share it but for now there's no time to type them all in so suffice to say a mix of melissa etheridge, meg & dia, lenka, demi lovato, jarah jane, sarah mclachlan, jewel, kate voegele, rilo kiley, lily allen, portishead, lisa hannigan, alexa ray joel, and believe by elton john tossed in near the end) and glancing up at the magic game with jackson who's doing some work (working all the time these days), relaxing...

tonight, relaxing...

fantasy playoffs

tonight we watched monday night football with one eye and closer, one of jackson's favorites, and it was the first round of the fantasy football playoffs and unfortunately my team plays jackson's team so one of us are gone in the first round, alas, and i probably have the advantage as long as tom brady and new england and the rest of my fantasy players continue to do what they do... i've been winning big and have the most points for the season even with adrian peterson, my #1 draft choice, producing crap in recent weeks and miles austin, my #3 draft choice, producing even worse for longer... a few good pick ups (fred jackson, knoeshon moreno, deone branch, jacob tamme, danny moorhead, and david akers support tom brady and wes welker, the other two left from my original draft (and micheal vick sits on my bench cuz i wasn't gonna let anybody else have him)... but anything can happen in the playoffs and i've got to win one more week to get into the finals... rah rah sis boom bah ha ha, right... hey, it's a numbers game that amuses my mind and doesn't take much time (unlike fantasy basketball or baseball which i used to play when i worked night shift and had a lot more time... look for yawhofarted on yahoo if you want to see my record, yo yo, represent the fantasy hood)...

shoulda been in bed hours ago, ya know? :)

weekend gone by

not much to tell as the weekend was mostly spent lazing around the house, yesterday recouperating from either mild food poisoning or a sugar-carb hangover cuz either way, i was hurting and just curled up waiting for time and pain to pass (distracting myself with youtube and other internet audio visual personalities, news, and odds and ends) and today was sleep late and rest and shower, walk happiness, and head to our neighbor (i forgot her name if i named her so for now, she's neighbor) for a holiday lasagna dinner and then home to digest and rest some more and laundry needs doing and some other chores, but it's bedtime if i am wise as another long very busy week begins in the morning... so challenging mostly, but wonderful end (delish lasagna and desserts, all home made) and fun people... and your weekend was? :)

chocolate, sci-fi, and fish

stumbled back over to plenty of fish tonight and was i ever surprised to find that the average fish logs in to check their fishing three times a day and here i may have logged in twice this year... how un-average of me, aye? :)

i even sent a couple of messages before closing and while there's no sudden change or even hope for romance at all, maybe i connected with a couple of fun people (far away, but cool words may be exchanged if they respond... guess i'll have to try to remember to check the site again someday)...

work week over, yay, sort of... sort of cuz there's much more work to do and i ought to do some over the weekend and we shall see... meanwhile, a chocolate milk and chocolate creme party tonight caps off a fun night of wandering (swimming) through the fish and semi-watching sci-fi tv... maybe next time :)

stumbled back over to plenty of fish tonight and was i ever surprised to find that the average fish logs in to check their fishing three times a day and here i may have logged in twice this year... how un-average of me, aye? :)

i even sent a couple of messages before closing and while there's no sudden change or even hope for romance at all, maybe i connected with a couple of fun people (far away, but cool words may be exchanged if they respond... guess i'll have to try to remember to check the site again someday)...

work week over, yay, sort of... sort of cuz there's much more work to do and i ought to do some over the weekend and we shall see... meanwhile, a chocolate milk and chocolate creme party tonight caps off a fun night of wandering (swimming) through the fish and semi-watching sci-fi tv... maybe next time :)

so much running 'round my head

wonder how i stay in bed... so much running 'round my head... wonder why it is not said... not a sound, not a word... so much running 'round my head... wonder if anyone heard... so much running 'round my head...

did you know th first hip-hop record was put out in 1979?... yeah, the decade that brought us the demise of acid rock, the one night stand of disco, and the birth of punk rock and new wave (among other oddities, elton john not withstanding), also sprouted the very first actually commercially released recording of hip hop... i'm sure we all can sleep better now...

much work at work, already put in fifty hours this week, at least... one more day before my weekend of extra work at home work starts... maybe getting fired isn't such a bad idea after all...

laughter is still the best - hope yours is too :)

sleepiness ho

does that mean i am heading toward it or already there or something else again (used to have an lp with that title... actually, still might be in the storage place up north, but that's another life)... anyway, busy busy busy and more busy... woking more hours than i have since the eighties... and doing the veggie thing in between work and with softball season over for at least a month, can jelly belly be far behind?... might as wekk keep laughing, what's a good jelly belly for, after all? :)

hope you're enjoying your lemonade too :)

before i check you

i check myself...

that is, that is... what i mean to say is, as if that is not clear or something, is that in this particular sharing made up of putting words on this screen via the cyberspace highway or whatever we might call it now or then or someday, i start writing before looking anywhere else, usually... so if there are comments or reactions of any sort anywhere, like in comments (oh... doh?) or email or even on my phone (still 407-325-1482, in case you wondered how real (e)thereal still was, i mean, just look around, as in scroll just a bit, aye?), i do not know that (about the comments, reactions, etc that might be there, kapish?) until after i start writing a while, at least... see, cuz the writing started out for me and remains, first and foremost, for me... sanity and comfort and clarity and release and work and play and sing and dance and giggle and cry and scream and sigh and whatever else, the inside comes out before the outside comes in (in the place where i feel most like me)... any other way seems to be following and i am not in this world to follow, nor to lead, actually, which is probably why i am alone (amongst the many other logical reasons, aye?)... ya falla?...

lol, hope you woke with a peaceful smile too :)

listening to this
(in the place where i feel most like me)

here, gone, what's the difference?

goodness, there might actually be a difference as suddenly there are comments on old posts from old friends (or rather, blog family members) and i feel so silly for so many reasons that i won't even begin to innumerate or list them here, not a t'all, y'all (but i will laugh at myself (lam) as i thumb myself good, a phrase that should become all the rage in singapore and several other worldly venues on this blue green marble if my latest cyber fantasy girl gets her way, but this is all besides the point... oh, how i miss the babble-time sometimes... but who really misses the babbler, aye?)...

what?...

oh, yeah, thank you for rising from the dead, so to speak, and for leaving a few words... and meanwhile, in (e)thereal offline world (cuz that is what this blog is digging, ya know), so we won the first game and lost the second cuz the bats died, especially the big bats, as they so often do in games two or more, but at least we won the first... and the week is so busy at work there's no way all the work is getting done, so i'll focus on what the boss is asking for and let the rest slide on by... hell of a way to do the right thing (not), but it's survival mode and i'm sure not the fittest i've been lately so i'll compromise and fake it if i must...

so how's your week fluttering by? :)

thirty seven years

wow, skipped right over the whole few days surrounding this moment this year... how busy can life get that it distracts so well from the core even when nothing replaces the connection that life is about...

in this moment, celebrate your dream... and yourself...

and remember...