another step beyond

so i woke after less than two hours and showered and went out to softball practice and we had a few inconsistent infield drills, about ten each player, and then some combined infield throw around practice and that was it for practice... we discovered we are not moving up a division and also, our entire infield will not be with us next year... we were originally moving up due to two of our infielders being rated too high to play in our division... so we stay, but we are not the same team and not just cuz we need to add at least four new players...

we found out we will have a new sponsor who may or may not pay for new uniforms, so another $80 for new uniforms and i'll need to get new cleats cuz i don't have black cleats... our new colors are black and gray/silver and our new sponsor is a modelling agency and possibly hair cuttery... and our name will no longer by the "flex", it will be the "rockstars"... gonna be another interesting year for the sunday league champs...

at least that's this week's news... the day was much colder than expected, in the 40's, and morning practice turned into all day league open house which turned into grab firehouse subs for lunch (and caffeine) and then, sunday afternoon league (who used to be the other thursday team, also used to be the work team)... so the new sunday afternoon team won 25-7 (now 2-1 record) and we were generous to let them have 7 runs and hold our own score down... some games are like that... today we looked like the team that won the championship in their thursday night league last winter...

and here we are, home again, still not asleep, and the place has a million and one little things to pack and tasks to complete and when will there be time?... i must take some time off work tomorrow or tuesday or wednesday and then there's the maintenance inspection, which ought to be done after cleaning and not mid-mess of packing and moving... need to buy a vacuum too...

another step beyond sleep deprivation madness...

narf.

ridiculously insane

if i am not actually there yet, i am certainly heading in that direction, or perhaps i am simply am testing the limits of sleep deprivation in the human body... slept minimally, if at all, last night because after getting home from work late as i have most days this month cuz there's so much annual analysis and reporting to do, i finally started taking packing seriously and stayed up and made some progress before heading out to the game party i was invited to and after coke and coffee, just getting home and have some writing to do and then, at the fields for 8:30am practice in a couple of hours...

when will i finish packing and cleaning and setting up the maintenance inspection?...

when will i give in to common medical thinking and get some actual sleep?...

when will the cliff hanger music begin?...

no time for actual madness

so let's all mock the feigned madness of doings so many things in so many hours that there's less than thirty hours of sleep each week, though sometimes maybe close to forty, and yet, sometimes les than twenty like this week if the around the house work that must be dome (packing, cleaning, etc) this weekend...

no really, if i had the time i'd definitely go quite mad :}

narf.

anonymous comments

for the first time in more than a decade of almost daily online communication like this (that and the other thing too) which would include many thousands of journal, diary, and blog entries and comments, i finally put a limit on the anonymous comments because blogspot / blogger / google is getting more and more of them and i don't want to spend any more time checking and deleting the pure SPAM... so i've started moderating comments on posts older than 14 days on some blogs...

and the first to step into that moderated comment folder, leaving an entry on an October 29th entry in RealTime, is this young boy (as opposed to this old man, i suppose, aye?) and my curiosity wonders whether he's gay, bi, or show (the leading edge of a relatively new social scene), but that matters little and a lot less than why there was a comment on my old entry (SPAM or an attempt to communicate?)...

so though i've deleted dozens of recent anonymous comments lately, i did not delete the comment that inspired this entry explaining that i've started moderating anonymous comments and gradually may do that on all my blogs...

and how are you? :)

serious pizza

so i ate light today, three light or fat free yogurts (two activia and a yoplait) and about thirty ounces of grapefruit juice spiked with a couple of special k protien powders and then, off to softball and another thirty ounces of special k protein powder and then (wait, the softball report is one tie, one loss... we gave away the first game on several errors in the final inning when we had the game won and let them take a two run lead, we came back in the bottom of the inning, but only to tie, sucks, aye?... and the second game, we hit even worse and they hit well and we continued the errors... i sat down for the other pitcher in the second when they were ahead 6-0, final score 15 to not much, and that's the thursday night softball report and then), home...

three light hebrew national hot dogs called my name, but with light wheat bread (which takes all the fun out of the dogs, make note of that) and sleep?... well, first, the pizza called my name... a digiorno garlic bread crust base cooked halfway and then, broil for three minutes to cook the cheese and then, pile on six different kinds of cheese and two different kinds of pepperoni and a smear of sabrett's onion sauce and back in the oven for another fifteen minutes and then, yum, serious pizza yum...

so much for eating healthy, aye?...

the last time

trying to remember the last time i watched a president's state of the union address and the memory is too foggy to put a date on it... i believe i was a much younger child, more hopeful and idealistic and ignorant of the corruption and selfishness and hypocrisy that is at the infected root of of the motivation of most politicians... hey, they're only people, human beings, and there is no more suicidally species on this planet, lead by, big surprise, our leaders...

so i sit here accidentally watching the president make a speech with some pretty good ideas and wonder why i sit here listening... am i trying to believe the status quo in washington will suddenly go away and be replaced by logic, common sense, and what is right?...

wouldn't it be nice?...

wide awake, as usual

whatever fatigue was pounding in the head and stiffening the neck several hours ago when i woke and wrote the previous entry is long gone, as usual, and the hour of friends and the hour of malcolm in the middle leading up to the hour with craig ferguson once again leads me and this body (and the brain it contains) away from sleep and toward the kitchen for an after midnight snack...

and it's not a groggy push myself awake and it's not hyper wired either (cuz long term fatigue is real), but i did bounce into babble in real time™ and once again, the laughing fool simultaneeously securely independent and hopelessly hopefully romantic dances off into babbling oblivion silently singing damn the need for sleep and full speed (or stumbling, a least)ahead (or stage left, for that matter)...

and heaven's to mergatroid, where oh where is the nocturnal partner of my dreams, anyway? :)

what the sleep!

wts!... yes, the new wtf!... the head, the body, the everything screams out for sleep and here i am again, waking from the deep after meal nap with the ear ringing off the hook and the body numbish and the head and neck still and bloated, too much salt not enough sleep raising the blood pressure?...

one fat free turkey sandwich with four slices fat free turkey, two slices 2% provolone, teaspoon of fat free mayo and smokey onion mustard... cole slaw... mashed potatos with fat free margarine and fat free cream cheese... all this fat free food, good?... too much salt?... or is this bloated high bp feeling just due to lack of sleep?...

must return to daily exercise after work... must return to eating breakfast and lunch and lighter dinner... must reduce salt and portions, though tonight the portion was not large... still eating right before sleeping, not best... and then waking from the nap and staying away so less sleep for the night, no best... but two hours is all the brain wants sometimes... must re-train the brain... a lifetime of sleeplessness finally catching up with me?...

or at least the last decade?...

time for a change...

yeah, so instead

of sleeping, that is, i mean, instead of sleeping, i create yet another new blog finally making mention of the fact that i plugged in the tv last year and have actually had it on a lot since pligging it in (it's been a gradual process) amidst the other dozen or so i've created in the past month and the others, drifting off to sleep, perhcnace to... sleep :)

nite nite :)

nap, 24

there's probably an online way to watch it and there's probably a way to dvr it and watch at my leisure for free and there's always the pay-as-you-go way at hulu and amazon as i may do with caprica, however tonight, instead of heading for bed, i wake from my nap to watch 24... completely unplanned, as i forgot it was on until a few minutes ago when i woke and looked at the tv, but tonight, i watch... i wonder how many mondays this will last...

anybody sharing tv these days?...

home early, sleepy

and the food cooks in the oven and i officially signed the intent to move out papers so i have 15 days to pack and clean and move out and i called the new place a couple of times but they are not answering and hopefully that is not a sign of future communication with the office but i know that my leasing agent is off today but he did say the other one and the manager will be in today to help me cuz he said they needed some work information but he didn't sy precisely what sort of work information so coming home early to take care of whatever he needed didn't work and he'll just have to wait longer for i've still got a very busy week ahead...

and i'm sleepy too...

you? :)

sunday softball returns

the work team re-unites, sort of… a few people couldn’t make it and a couple pulled out at the last minute, which really sucks, but I was able to get a replacement from one of my other teams and that worked out great cuz the guy knocked in three runs and made a great catch at the fence and we won by two runs, 8-6, so without him, we might have lost… so I’m inviting him back next week too cuz he loves the game and will not bail… the only problem is that he needs a ride to and from the field cuz his partner uses their car to go to work on sundays… I’m going to try to get him a ride with one of the other players cuz he lives in the opposite direction from where I live and it’s an extra hour drive time to get him to the field… anyway, we’ll see week to week I guess, but it was good to win…

that was the second game of the double header… the first game was horrible as the ten month layoff showed big time and we lost 14-1… the team we played hit well, lots of singles through gaps, not a lot of power, but they could hit pitches all over the strike zone (not like the second team who had a fair share of hitting weaknesses)… we hit like crap, fly ball outs and dribbling grounders… and lots of errors…

so softball sunday is happening again, this time with a second sunday team, and we’re having fun… with eighteen players on the roster, we’ll hopefully get ten to show up each week… and how was your sunday? :)

caprica

capricious, perhaps, and quite Hollywood, as the fate of humanity and the galaxy is in the hands of a high school girl once again… save the cheerleader and save the world… is it the titillation of underage sex?... is it some innocent idealism about children saving the world?... and a child shall lead us?... is it the market demand?... of course it is, but why?...

anyway, the whole battlestar gallactica saga and end of humanity started with a high school girl who was, naturally, a computer genius way ahead of her time… but perhaps the saddest fact of all is that I was sitting here minding my own business doing work from home when I took a break and read something somewhere online about the next pre-quel to battlestar gallactica and found a link to a hulu recording of the pilot episode and I watched it and now, I want to see where the story goes… the what is life and who needs religion and stupidity of power hungry humans and digitizing the mind for download onto a computer chip and artificial intelligence and immortality and all the sci-fi thinking has me wanting more… I’ve been starved for sci-fi a long time, what with not having cable for almost two years…

and the school girl uniforms have nothing to do with it, even as I laugh at the sexual teasing under almost everything in media advertising and hollywood, but seriously, even if I was sixteen and met the girls on the street, they are not my type…oh, I’m so finicky… or is that capricious? :)

where was i?

working, except thursday night when we won 18-1 cuz i was generous in the last inning cuz they looked so down and they were happy to score a run... every other night was working late, friday past 2am... the absence of my assistant since october makes gathering all the quarterly an annual information quite challenging... i'll have to go in about 3am monday morning to have everything sort of ready for the annual review at 11am...

so work work work... how about you? :)

fell out again

at least it wasn't a window or a moving vehicle, and pizza sits to my left from the hours ago when i fell out and i will stand and deliver it to the fridge in a moment or few as i am craving liquid libation and deliciousness is drinkable in the form of some over the moon chocolate milk drink that is chilling at the moment and i have to pack and clean and prepare to move and still have work work to get done before the meeting monday and still am owing the brain and body sleep and still have questions that run so deep as the one who i am comes round again with it's figuratively patented smile...

try to catch up sometime today... ok :)

opened and closed

my eyes, this box, though not in that order... i opened this box last night, i think, after all sorts of writing somewhere else, though i am not sure where, and other places equally lost in the fog of fatigue, but i do remember thinking i want to continue here, and there, and everywhere, but especially somewhere...

so here we are...

lucky charms

the thursday night softball team is called lucky charms and every season we make it to the semi-finals or finals, but every season we blow it in the last game... we start again and we are 1-0, winning 18-1... next week is the real test... we play a double header against two of the best teams in the league, they each won a championship in the past few years... and even then, the regular season matters little cuz everybody gets into the playoffs... it's the playoffs that seem to stump the lucky charms... this year, make it different, aye? :)

busy day at work, left work at 7:45pm to get to the 8:30 game this was the earliest i left work this week... so much annual summarizing to do... luckily i love what i do, playing with numbers, utting reports together, sharing information that helps kids... it would be ideal if it was not such a dysfunctional family, but at least i love what i do... i hope you are loving your life too :)

not an advertiz, meant

so I click on the link in the compusa dot com email like I do from time to time, and there’s a 42 inch tv I would probably buy if it was a few weeks from now and I was in my new place… but since I am not there and do not want to buy something heavy and fragile that I’ve just got to move in a few weeks (did I mention I am moving in a few weeks?), I decided to look around the site instead and sure enough each page had another upgrade (really, though all the links may be dead tomorrow cuz that's just how sales and marketing goes, ya know, cuz truly, bigger is so not always better in the case of tvs, but sadly, it's time for this digression to end) and on and on beyond the blue horizon into the stratosphere so for like ten thousand dollars you can buy a tv big enough to live in, but the question is, will you live in a soap opera or a sit com or…

yeah, anyway, I am watching way too much tv these days…

maybe i'll catch up tomorrow

blurry now, softball memories, work again, a day after the tourney, did some laundry, slept a bit, created a new blog (what?... i know... i just had to cuz someone i want to talk to is there (isn't that what got me started here at blogspot?... yup, it's all there in black and white, mostly...

nit not... ummm, nite nite :)

feeling bummed, elated, lonely, and wise

alone again, naturally, i miss sharing intimacy of emotions, especially when intense and diverging emotions burst through me simultaneously (of course modern psychology would label it bi-polar, which it is, mostly because people love labels and the drama of sickness and the hope of cures, but that's beside the point, mostly)... the body requires sleep more than ever as it pitched five softball games tonight and has five more to pitch tomorrow and i only slept three hours last night and if i am lucky i will sleep six tonight, probably more like five... we entered the tournament after splitting the round robin games as the eleventh seed and we won the first to torunament games and then blew a 14 run lead in the last two innings (mostly due to putting less experienced players in the outfield and the team captains didn't pull them for the second of two 8 run innings, and we lost)... it's double elimination, so we play until we lose another and we do not intend to lose another so we need to win five tomorrow to be champions... the champions in ft. lauderdale did that... we came in third down there... anyway, i wrote this to the team moments ago and i feel much better (and wiser) now :)

It's Sunday, GOOD MORNING! :)


I have some great memories of some great playing we did yesterday... and a few very painful innings... and i am now letting it all go...

I am leaving yesterday behind because carrying it around will not help us win today and i want to win today and i know we can win today so let's do it

"want to win?... first enjoy the game for the sake of the game, win or lose... second, enjoy the people you play with... and third, learn the most important lesson...

the most important lesson we can learn is that consistent winners know how to leave yesterday behind - let it go... "

all i ask of you is that you do your best to win today :)


and i'll love you no matter what,

ric

i hope you are enjoying your weekend as much as i am enjoying mine, or more, even, if you can stand it :)

crazier still

wtf?... an hour from now i have to hop in the shower and get ready to go and i'm still awake?... i have lost my mind... this is just turkey dumb... i will have to caffeinate myself good and there's even more risk of injury... somehow i just have this love of diving off the deep end...

how was your night? :)

cuz i'm crazy

yeah, so a few minutes or more ago i realized i sttill need to wash underwear to wear under my wear at the softball tournament tomorrow, especially since it's expected to rain and possibly storm in the evening and there's more games sunday and i'll certainly be beyond exhausted by then...

and be thankful for clean underwear...

but the tournament starts soon, like in five hours i've got to be there and i need to stop for drinks along the way and it takes at least twenty minutes to wrap my legs and dress right so i'm lucky if i get three hours sleep at this rate so i hope to be able to sleep tomorrow afternoon between the round robin and the tournament games (cuz surely we won't get knocked out in the round robin, right?) but luck could be against me and give me no sleep time so help me if you can i'm feeling soooo tired already and living in the land of craziness...

wish you were here :)

yeah, well...

i just got home a bit ago and ate and sat down and here we are, whomever you might be... yes, i finally got to working and left work somewhere around ten... of course spending hours bouncing around about the apartment didn't help... i've got to do laundry before saturday morning and i must sleep well friday night... so when?... tonight?...

anyway, the guy from the apartment called and contradicted what the girl from the corp office call center said, so i spent time calling back and forth and debating and finally the guy from the apartment called the girl from the corp call center and then called me back and apologized and put a freeze on the apartment so it can't go up in price (but it could go down) and nobody can rent it and he's calling the regional manager tomorrow to see about giving me the rate quoted by the corp call center girl cuz, after all, it was lower and it's not my fault they didn't communicate before she told me...

i should be doing laundry... i may not sleep tonight... or maybe a few hours... so anyway, i did get a lot of work done tonight, but so much more to go, alas, how much estimating will i do... i'm going out next weekend, i miss people (brain floating, noticed? :)

working hard, lee

connecting at work with my aircard for the first time (at least the first time i remember) after taking a long lunch out to eat sushi and talk about the apartment we might move into with a friend who lives in the same community now (and has for a couple of years) and the news was all good, so i called the place when i got back and they were busy so i was forwarded to the corporate office and spoke with a corporate rep and feel even better about the place (and not just cuz we can save a little more money), so the corp rep will contact the community rep to call me back asap to get a hold on the apartment...

and the excitement continues to build :)

wasting away in grandville

today was a hyperbolic roller coaster, whatever that means... short wave roller coaster, yup, up and down and up nd down many times in short spans... too much work at work, much got done, more to do, much got done, more to do, nver satisfied, yet much done and then, left early with jackson to check on the apartment we were going to get and poof, the place suddenly was not as sweet as it seemed, smaller, less green, lured in to see the apartment we asked for if it became available and it was not what we asked for and worst of all, more than a hundred dollar more than it was, boo, bummer, we sat and talked and then, let's try next door again... the expensive one?... yes, let's check it out... after all, this one isn't a bargain anymore... ok...

we went next door and woah, for just $60 more a month almost the perfect apartment... so why didn't we sign?... well, first cuz we didn't see it... it was occupied and coming available early february if the current occupant vacates on time... but if someone else comes along as snatches it up, it's gone... but it is more than we wanted to spend... and yet, if we could have seen it...

and then softball practice... so tired, but rah rah team... twinge in the other hamstring while swinging at the batting cages, too much sitting, not enough stretching, not enough sleep, not enough regular exercise, aging, fatigue, woah is me... hit ok, up again... and then, surprise scrimmage against the "c" team... we are a "d" team, though we won the "d" championship, we are no "c" team... the worst "c" team beat us big for the second time in a row, alas, and yet the team may be moving up to the "c" division... biting off more than they can chew, for sure, but who can understand the male ego... i'll go along cuz they need their pitcher and i'm crazy enough to risk my neck for a good challenge... gonna get a cup and mouth guard, that's for sure...

hit the ball well during the scrimmage... up again... no running though, only a trot to be sure the hamstrings are no worse for the tournament this weekend… stopped at third on one hit that running would have been a home run, flying high, hitting well… pitching well, lots of errors around me, how could these guys think they could be a “c” team… hope they learn to enjoy losing cuz it’s gonna be a while before we aren’t beaten big and they do so get down when they lose… but we are family, I hear, and I do so want family… love love love, I am so tired, flying high, so tired… so much work to do, no time to get it done… yet must sleep for the tournament so I don’t hurt this body… it’s going to be an interesting next six days… no partner to share it, the big bummer, missing the sharing, but you're reading, right?... ah, the mad laughter of the deluded child sings me to sleep tonight...

how do I enjoy this as much as I do? :)

ah, love my roller coasters :)

same complaint, different day

not enough time, naturally... if there is one single complaint that rises above all the rest in frequency and annoyance (if only due to frequency, though it does fuel almost every other complaint as well because, with more time, most of the other complaints could be resolved fairly easily), then it is not having enough time to do all the things i want to do... so there it is, the whole world, life, and everything resolved in a single complaint...

now if there was only some all-powerful, omniscient, omnipresent force or being with consciousness, compassion, and love for me enough to resolve the time complaint...

ah, yes, lol...

off to work, another busy day, and then to softball practice until 11pm?... am i insane?... with a tournament this weekend?... no wonder the team is tired by the end of a tournament (more than others)... and me, i'll just stand around a lot tonight (when i could be sleeping, coach)... what a drag it is getting on (or is that old... ah, yes, lam, lol)...

narf :)

writing a little

yes, up late, nearling or passing the magical 4am mark, regularly these days (and the eyes and muscles and everything physical is showing the fatigue, alas), but what for, what is to come of shortening the life space through lack of sleep by staying awake and writing writing writing?...

this is no place for philosophical conundrums, and besides, who has time :)

make today wonderful :)

need more time

loaded a load of dishes and i wonder if there is a load of laundry in the dryer and there's more dishes to wash and lots more clothes to wash and the ringing is exceptionally loud tonight (ah, tinnitis, or tinittis, yes, the second one, maybe steany hot shower will help?) and the brain and body so long for more sleep, but do i have a clean warm long sleep shirt for tomorrow?... wearing long sleeve winter shirts for the past ten or more days in a row has rised the need for laundry through the roof and i intended to do some tonight, but nodding off happened and now, the brain wants to not move the body and somehow find the bed... winter fatigue is different, i almost forgot what it's like...

feeling more alone that usual tonight too... sleepy... nite nite :)

pizza hut and football

being what is commonly called a native new yorker, i've yet to find pizza that matches what i know as pizza, but being that i lived outside of new york and the north east for about half of this life, i've trained my taste buds to enjoy the stuff called pizza outside of nyc... pizza hut is an acquired taste and as long as there's sufficient extra cheese and selected toppings (their meats suck, as do most, but they are better than some other chains)... and they have reasonably ok other foods too, comparable to frozen dinners which i do eat for the same reason i order in, convenience... so anyway...

so i ordered a ton of pizza hut food and turned on the tv to watch football, only to find arizona playing green bay... the teams i want to see are not playing today, except for new england, who lost big and i am not sorry i didn't watch tom brady's worst playoff performance in his career, especially not while eating... i suppose that broken ribs and missing the league's #1 receiver can alter a performance... and i was hoping for a rematch between indy and the jets, but indy will have to beat baltimore and the jets will have to beat ? (west team?... see, i haven't followed football this year) for that to happen... i haven't seen most teams play this year, so i have no idea who is best, but i am rooting for brett farve and drew brees and the jets (old ny roots run deep) and maybe indy...

so two wild card teams advance (i'm gonna look them up now)... ah, san diego, love that city, but i don't think there's any player on the team who appeals to me so they rank #5 or #6 on my rooting list... i pretty much root for players most of the time and brett is trying the biggest leap and doesn't have many more leaps in him, so i am rooting for him first... then would have come brady because i like the way he plays, except today, that is not the way i remember him playing... and then the jets cuz my new york friends will flip and be very happy... and then... it gets closer...

drew brees nudges out payton and old dallas and san diego sentiments for the fourth spot and payton nudges into the fifth spot... it's a tossup for #6 and #7 between dallas and san diego, cuz i love the cities, but am not a fan of any of the players these days... the last four of the ten eams in the playoffs are toss ups for me... green bay would have been ranked higher, but trying to screw brett farve puts them at the bottom of the list... curt warner and beanie wells at arizona help them pop into 8th, but then, cincinnatti has fond memories cuz of friends i knew from there... baltimore, aye, no such connections...

wasn't the healthier eating supposed to start again? :}

two to go

welcome back my friends to the show that never ends and the babbler will continue in another space and time, but for now i simply say to as one who rarely pretends, the can find the answers not in the wind, but in the rhyme...

so as has been the pattern every few years, i find myself corresponding with toronto once again today... a dozen different messages back and forth, or more, and for the first time in ten years, to more than one of the family up there... it is a facebook xmas miracle, no doubt, and there are two more responses to go...

so that's where i've been, i mean, in case you were checking here and there and noticed my absence... someday we will all understand :)

somewhere around 4am

i was back online wandering... or maybe it was closer to 4:30... in any case, i am dragging this sleepy body out to the downtown history center for the retro game night party they throw every few months... lots of fun people to play with... junk food... history... and if might even snow tonight (but it probably will melt when it hits the ground, if not before... yes, the weather people can claim they were right if it drizzles a little by saying it snowed at ten thousand feet... weather people like to be right)...

hope you have oodles of fun tonight too :)

shutdown by facebook

yeah, ok, so quite suddenly facebook tells me my account is temporarily unavasilable due to site maintenance... perhaps the unverse is suggesting i go to sleep... but i was finding more stuff... like my high school yearbook, though it seemed incomplete cuz i was not in it and neither was half the class... puzzler... mmory lane though... anyway, i hope you've enjoyed your night, whatever you were doing :)

this is my house

online, i mean... thought i have many other web addresses where i write a little less and a lot more... and while i wander all over the web (used to be much more than these days, but even now i find time to wander and suddenly in the past week spend hour at facebook finding lots of people i know and knew), this is my house (from the elton john chilling barren house to the warmth, security, and love of the csn&y our house, it's all here and more)... though i would love to share it again someday, loving the solitude too...

i still appreciate the occasional visit :)

yay (mostly)

i finally found my way to the bed when i woke from my name around midnight last night... and so the sleep was about four hours from eightish to midnightish and then from then till a little bit ago (don't you just love the clarity i provide to time?... like swiss precision watches, with the ish factor) and i showered and shampooed and conditioned and rinsed and even repeated! (as opposed to jump under the water and rushed through the process) and now i am on time for my early meeting with the lawyers from miami with some breathing room, so yay...

the mostly part is that there was almost no exploring of facebook and other online stuff last night, which is the same as about 350 days out of the 365 days last year, but the past three nights i was up most of the night exploring and i realized i still enjoy that (it's been years, but i used to wander around the web a lot for hours on end, after all, have you never visted my myspace?... i just don't have time to read comments and communicate the way i used to (there are about a thousand unread messages there in my mailbox), no less browse as i did when i was babbling behind the candoor or before or before that even), alas, i miss it but life offline is way too busy to be spending hours a day online...

it was nice to stay up three nights in a row and feel the thrill of exploring again and sure enough, i found some people i had been searching for every time i did an extended web browsing searching wandering and one actually responded, though i am not she if i am remembered yet... spooky to wander through ancient memories like that and yet, so very deep-sigh-high too... so yay (mostly) cuz balance is good, but more time would be even better :)

can i go home now? :)

another one

wandered facebook until not, again... and discovered connections i lost many years again, again... and wonder...

so maybe i'll sleep tomorrow night? :)

make today wonderful :)

suddenly, a 4:37am

i found myself eating a fish sandwich and drinking juicy juice cherry and hoping the microwave cooked the fish enough so i do not get food poisoning, which is not a thought i'd like to actualize today...

and now i should sleep a bit, even though i just ate, because a few hours from now i do need to get a whole lot of mentally challenging work done... well, maybe not so challenging as it is draining, or maybe simply occupying yes, mentally occupying is the right term... never mind all the other terms now... think: polymath!

i spent the last four hours or so on facebook joining groups, fanning pages, adding friends, and leaving the random comment... listening to music on youtube too... and enjoying the hopes and dreams and inspirations and random smiles i found along the way... hope you are enjoying whatever it is you are doing tonight too :)

must have forgotten

even the title is deja vu, but i was so absorbed by browsing the web last night (and most of yesterdat, even as i nodded off) that i forgot to blog, here, at least... i left comments in various places and rambled on a lot, actually, just not in any of my blogs... i think...

it was a wonderful blurry time, it was... but i remember being inspired quite wonderfully to believe there may actually be some hope for humanity after all (i know, i'm so easy)... there are bound to be links popping up here and there sooner or later, so stay tuned for another mad love affair, or something like that...

and work, the usual for a first work day of the month, beating the bushes for the data from department heads, preparing reports, and since it's the first of the year, finishing up the new databases and spreadsheets for the new year... this director stuf is way too easy, really, even when the brain has to work overtime to put together stuff in half the time it would take the ordinary superman...

life is too much fun with self-mockery :)

i was supposed to sleep tonight

cuz i have softball practice in four hours and it is close to freezing outside, which means muscles won't want to stretch much and fatigue just makes injury all the more possible... dummy...

me and my nocturnal lover's hours :)

and so i did

as you might discover if you found one of my latest new blogs, meaningless complaints, i felt inspired to explore blog names tonight and found so many wonderful blog names have died untimely deaths along the way because people just don't seem to respect the written word or posterity (or the illusion of permanence) much these days... once upon a time, it was different...

anyway, i did have much fun with myself tonight and babbling on and on and on and cleaned some and there are new blogs out there, some on the horizon, some down the road, some already kicking off their first entries and then some... i'll update the lists on the right of RealTime one of these days, until then, it's our little secret...

softball in the morning, possibly below freezing temperatures (no running for me, that's for sure), so sleep would be good tonight... i hope you are having fun with yourself too :)

so little me time

and what's the point of me time, one might ask (me, for instance)... especially from the perspective or belief that the primary point of this physical life is sharing... but then, share what?... share everything... and then, share with whom?... with anyone who truly cares... and what do i have to offer in this sharing of everything with anyone who truly cares?... me!...

so instead of going out to a game night with some great friends and having fun, i decided to stay home and take care of me (which of course always includes writing if i am doing it right for me)... who knows, a dozen new blogs may start and while babbling ridiculously, i shall clean and play with myself...

take care of you :)

phew, that was close

the babble almost came and took over e-the-real and thereal could have slipped into and become and gone the way of RealTime and behind the candoor and so many other noble attempts to share in a more normal and therein acceptable and therein theoretically more successful (at least potentially based on the laws of probability and such) in the goal of sharing, which babbling tends to undermine...

i know, here i am again just two minutes later (less, actually, shhhhh) babbling, but catching it none the less and heading off into the other babble places after stopping by here briefly to warn you about the previous few entries where babble almost too over...

must have been a really good new year, aye? :)

hope yours was/is great too :)

wow, see?... a poll!

referencing the previous title (not necessarily the entry though) that sleep is good cuz just look over on the right and see the newest feature i tried out here in this blog, a poll... i am still deciding if multiple answers are allowed and how long the poll will stay open and whether it will stay in the side bar (cuz the side bar is way too long for a this blog) but decisions decisions can wait until they are made, for now, there's a new feature, a poll...

i expect nobody to use it because i suspect nobody reads this regularly and this entry announcing it will blink into the archive any moment now and i believe most entries here are never read by human eyes, but hey, that is the real, diggidy? (as in, get it>?, however updated and expanded for the new millenium with a little help from a cartoon friend and the writers and Seth, who is as constant an influence in this life as any of the other hundred fifty or so constant influences who'v invaded my brain (with and without unilateral permission... is unilateral the right word there?... someday this, and millions of other rhetorical, semi-rhetorical, quasi-rhetorical, and actual real questions will be answers, but for now, there's a poll!... diggidy?)...

all this cuz i got a reasonably decent night of sleep?... i did wake at the four hours marks and when the phone rang, which was a lot this morning, but still, sleep has not had the positive effect it used to have for the last year or so and i was concerned that the over-tired effect of long-term sleep-deprivation (and overuse of hyphens) may have degenerated the brain cells to the point where they will not regenerate fully ever again, or at least not until several days/weeks/months/years or whatever period of time required is taken/given to sleep in heavenly sleep for as long as necessary to rejuvenate (or regenerate, i believe i mean regenerate cuz i'm not sure rejuvenate is actually possible, but that will require experimentation and more, precise discussion and agreement of definitions, to be decided at a later date)...

stop babbling here now!

sleep is good

waking to find my mind playing poker and waiting for a moron who is cheating to present his queens up full house which he and other morons at the table expect to beat my four tens after another player went all in, forcing almost everyone else to go all in as well... i wonder what happened when he finally revealed his hand and started swooping on the pot when i corrected him and others and showed them the rules of the game they were playing (4-of-a-kind beats a full house)... they'd probably want to fight, which is why i rarely play cards or any game for money with strangers...

must be leftover thoughts from falling asleep watching the macho morons of florida wipe the field with the uncoached hapless cincy team... the intimidation factor always goes too far with some teams and florida is one as their secondary was allowed play after play of interference, their defence was allowed play after play of late hits and helmet to helmet hits, and their offense was allowed play after play of holding with hardly any penalties called... they are a suberbly trained and coached team, but every game i watch they get away with more than other teams, which is par for the course in every sport for the top atheletes... which is wrong, but part of the real american way...

here, i'll let me social conscience rant a moment... it goes beyond "it isn't cheating or a crime unless you are caught" and "winning isn't everything, it's the only thing"... in the real, it isn't cheating unless you are called for it... moreover, it isn't a crime unless you are convicted of it... you can be seen doing it and even caught and arrested, but if the other card plays ignore the rules, you didn't cheat... or in football, if the refs don't see or ignore what you are doing, you didn't commit a penalty... even in legal crime, you are presumed innocent, remember?... except in the media and the minds of the masses (lynch mobs) who love to convict without a trial... the layers of hypocrisy in otherwise excellent ideas can astound or even blow an open mind... luckily there are so few, so very little astounding (or blowing) goes on... at least not of minds...

yeah, sleep is good... hope you enjoy yours too :)

still awake, but vegetative

buzzing a lot cuz the snacks and goodies are still around and this is the final weekend before the healthy fasting weight dropping serious exercising and all that starts again (or so the rumor goes) and the football continues in the background on the tv as ohio state just won the rose bowl (and if they could only bear a southeast conference team, rasputin could die happy... i wonder if he and his brother went to the game since he is living with his brother in arizona these days... i wonder if he is working yet... anyway, i like to see ohio state win cuz he and precious are such big fans)... and now, the florida game...

i expect florida to blow out cinncinati mostly because cincy doesn't have their coach cuz their coach took a job with notre dame and the rules say he has to completely abandon his committment to the players he recruited and coached all year just before the biggest game of the season and quite likely the biggest game of most of their lives... that simply sucks and is the worst example of sportsmanship and leadership the ncaa provides, not to mention a potentially humiliating betrayal for the young kids in college...

the other reason i expect a blow out is cuz cincy does not play anyone close to florida's caliber all year and while i am very turned off by the arrogance and stupid macho immaturity prevailing amongst florida fans (and many media mouths), they are very well recruited, training, coached and prepared for their games in every way except sportsmanship and maturity. so they can win big and win a lot, if not well (so representative of the worst of us arrogance in the world, but that's a whole other grating of the flesh, aye?)...

football is, in many ways, like war... but as ridiculous as it is, there are even rules of conduct in war... never mind, ridiculous it is :}

i''ll probably nod off during this game since it's the last of the day and i've not slept since last year and it'll probably not interest me for a myriad of reasons... the highlights will be on tomorrow... i hope you are enjoying whatever you are doing this first day of the new year :)

new year, football

yeah, the college football is on the tv and i am listening with half an ear and occasionally glancing up to catch a play (or more often a replay) when something sounds interesting (which translates, for me, into a fine example of body control and athletic prowess cuz I admire people who care for their bodies well enough to do things that most dare not even try to do... i used to love to dive for balls and make plays that take the body as far as it can go... and this isn't even a sensual entry, though it might be if we allow for double entendres, aye?... i suppose diving for balls would be double entendred for girls and gay guys, though mentioning it now probably deflates the whole effect of the entendre... deflates, hmmmmm... ah, but in the real, football doesn't turn me on sexually... rarely do any sports cuz sexuality cuz most sports are about control, whereas sex is about letting go of control, quite the opposite... is this another digression?... is that another rhetorical question?... am i in the mood to babble?... are we still in e-the-real?... should this parenthetic aside end?) and challenging to do...

while it's not often in recent years, i do go through phases where some days i just sit back and vege in front of the tv with the keyboard on my lap... but i am not that solitary these days, so even on the laziest days i could always move the keyboard if the right person wanted to sit down...

are we enjoying our new year? :)

after a nap

of almost exactly 4 hours (i wonder if am i the only one with such a precise internal clock or if it is an abnormality of my mind... another explanation for my aloneness, if i was looking for one) and i flip on the tv to listen to and glance up at football games (but find that the news is blaring the usual stories about people who died or got hurt or did other stupid things last night and worse, the top news story is the fox-bright house war... what a culture)...

hope you are healthy, happy, and enjoying the heck out of everything :)

new year, happy

ah, the dog is missed, happy dog, that is... the only one who ever offered me truly unconditional love, as primitive as it might have been... perhaps that's the secret of actualizing unconditional love, letting it come from the primitive instinctive depths of the brain...

home after the party where we chatted, watched some football, chatted some more, and ate like pigs... i picked up a ton of food and there wee lots of leftovers... i sad no to a half dozen other parties, much wilder, much bigger parties, but it was good to hang peacefully at jackson's cuz i'd have tried to stay home if and take care of me if she didn't invite me over... i might as well face it, i don't give myself nearly enough me time... even when it seem to, i'm mostly distracting myself and not really taking care of me... but hey, that's just the early morning hours of a new year after a party talking, right?...

so maybe this will be the year i finally return to the place i belong, inside and out, and find the one and start living that happily ever after togetherness that i've been dreaming about beneath the seriously irreverent self-mocking carefree demeanor... or something like that...

happy new year :)