choice

if there is connectivity, then there may be magic, however that is not a guarantee, nor bliss nor tragic, it is only what it is, and what you want it to be, what you make of yourself, is your reality... and if you did not know you're only fooling yourself because the radiance is present on your shelf even if you will not see or even if you are blind there is a life in your head and a choice in your mind and you call out in silence or you may smile and wave or you scream up to heaven and pray you to be saved but from what can you answer, oh say can you see, you are running from yourself and hiding from me... you can close your eyes and choose to be blind, but you die every time you close your mind... you can sit in yourself pretending you don't care, you can smile from within as if you are aware, you can live on the edge as if you don't care, but you waste every moment that you do not share...

keeping it brief?

maybe one more day before i go offline at home and will have to depend on the kindness of strangers (the business center at the new apartments or the work computers) to maintain any online connection... for a few days or longer... hopefully not much longer, but then, i may not unpack until next weekend and moving in will take a while as there's no furniture besides the bed and small dresser for the bedroom... a desk, a deskchair, and lamps are high on the list of things to buy with the imaginary endless supply of money that would make moving so much more fun (and easier)... so i stop by here for the moment to keep on...

last night i did get to game night in spite of forgetting the shower curtain (and tp, for that matter), two hours late, but still had fun long into the night... today i hoped to move more stuff, but woke late (sleep was demanded and appreciated) and it rained, rainded, and more rained... hopefully tomorrow Raspy will have the pick-up truck he said he would borrow and we'll get the last of the stuff moved (but softball 10am-2pm too)... and clean this place so they don't take more of my deposit...

rushing

i'll stop to smell the aching muscles another time, today is moving day, lift that box, move that container, up the stairs, down the stairs, rince, lather, repeat... the good news is the rain is holding off for the first full day in weeks, at least as i recall the weather... hopefully the weekend will be the same (extremely doubtful around here at this time of year)... there is still more to move tomorrow... i think i slept this week... softball wednesday was a win, i forget the score, something like 16-11... softball thursday was a win, 11-0... first shutout, and they had bases loaded with one out in the last inning... had to give them some excitement, after all... yeah, so anyway, the real continues...

phenomenal fatigue and a little hunger

Kind of like which came first, the chicken or the egg, even if no one understands, or the TV (or something) distracts to the point of forgetting or confusion, whichever comes first. Waking earlier than usual to be at the dentist at a quarter to eight a.m., then spending the day roaming about setting up the move, including jumping through the hoops that are required for signing a lease (yes, finally, i did), shopping for movers and trucks and long conversations with utilities to set up new service and cut off old service, and assorted stuff in the super-muggy humid heat, concluding with a season ending win in softball in which i walked none and struck out several and got many to hit weakly and going two for three with a walk and the out was an outstanding catch by a diving leaping shortstop so even though i am bleary-eyed tired and less than pleased about choosing to spend more than a thousand dollars more each month to live, today was a wonderful day and wish you were here.

starting over, almost

the head hurts tonight... probably from the crap i ate, ribs, fries, beans, slaw, two shakes, and not enough exercise, and maybe, cutting way back on those addictive blood pressure pills that lame doctor ferguson pushed on me... will the new place be the start of a new life?... maybe, but will i have to stop going out to make the change?... maybe i should... we shall see... work was distracting, corporate bull and now, time off and then, time away and then, way way behind, further than last month... and so, life goes on... maybe i'll sleep now... nite.

sleep is good

even though it sometimes feels like i missed out on something, on the sharing that might have been while i was sleeping, but then, even when you sleep in someone's arms, you still sleep in your own mind, at least i do, and as close as i've ever gotten to another person, i know that it is still illusion when we imagine each other within our own minds... a sweet illusion, but still, illusion... though i can imagine (and have observed, especially at work, it is a nightmare for some who forget they are in control up there)... and so i nodded off in the big green chair after getting home from work around 7:30 last night and it is almost eleven hours later, having woken twice or so for water or something, and i feel almost rested... used to be a full night sleep would be completely rested, but then, i could have slept another few hours... i woke for work and actually, early, to get my oil changed... the car, i mean... hope your day is sweet :)

someday, when someone notices

the previous post, or what was the previous post when this post was written, may suggest the real time that passed between posts as this blog began... time passed unintentionally, time passed unnoticed... for the memory for nightly updates is not a high enough priority at this time in real time... and the business of living life distracted me from even rambling on in my RealTime blog in spite of major circumstances blasting from the past (omigosh, this blog is already becoming way more obscure than it was ever intended to be... there are places for the babbling and obscurity and distractions (and amusements) like this self-reprimand and this was not supposed to be it... so perhaps it'll stop now... or soon... and perhaps someday, when someone notices, this blog will be what is was meant to be and an odd entry like this one will be just an odd somewhat out-of-place entry amidst the real... ah, yes, that's the ticket :)

candor at blogspot

candor at blogspot, like candor at diaryland (and other sites) really ought to be me, i mean, just check the phone book, there are very few candors in the world and i am legally one... but others grabbed my name before i did, so i am candoor most everywhere i go... though i am candor at myspace which is probably a feat of early arrival or something... in any case, i just felt it was important to make note of this, here in the real... i am candor, even if others grabbed the name first.

sheesh

a word often signifying frustration, sheesh is upon me once again. this time because i have deadlines approaching. major life changing deadlines. like moving. and finding a place to move to. and spending big bucks. changing the budgetary alignment of life. and lifestyle. adding $1000 or more to my outcome (as opposed to income). yes, this is the real, or at least it was. sadly, nobody was here to comfort me, or to even listen. you could have at least sensed i needed a winning lottery ticket and adopted me, after all. wait, this is the real, remember. never mind. i shall survive anyway, as i always have. hope your life was good and stress-free at these moments (the moment i wrote and lived this, the moment you are readin, and any other moment we might refer to this post).

storms (fay)

her name was fay and she lingered longer than expected over me, dripping, hot and sweaty and blowing (wait, before you get any ideas... to late?). i refer, of course, to tropical storm fay, a windy flood that dropped from the sky this past week to drench much of florida and cancel most of my planned activities. trivia night on tuesday, cancelled... softball on wednesday and thursday (and sunday to come), canceled. and though the massive upscale ritzy private party at the Grand Bohemian was not canceled friday, i was canceled, that is, i simply did not go, too easily sucked into the vegetative game fay poured down on me. i did get some apartment shopping done. and i did get out saturday night (which would be tomorrow?... ah, the magic of catch-up blog entries, but who's counting anyway) with the KATN bunch. so fay washed away most of the real week. i love storms though, even when nobody is around to share them, so it's been a fun week. after all, i have always been a storm (thank you stevie).

a birthday

in my own irreverently reverent or seriously irreverent or irreverently serious or reverently abstract or disrespectfully respectful or respectfully cavalier or disrespectfully reverent or some combination or these or other apparently (but perhaps only apparently) diametrically opposing words way (way?... way!), i record the blast from the past on this date as if it was something that didn't really matter much when it occurred some time in the past week or month or so, because that may have been exactly what she wanted, even if she never knew (or anyone ever understood). happy birthday old friend, and long may you run (but not from yourself).

i am presently digesting the re-entry of the single most profoundly cruel person i ever personally experienced in this life (and for better or worse, the experience was excruciatingly intimate) into the real-time (though not real-space) of this life. i shall monitor the digestive process and let you know what comes of it, if anything. otherwise, life goes on as usual, except for the move, which is occupying most of my brain these days (blessing in disguise?... no time to ponder any further at the moment, for better or worse, aye?). stay true to yourself, or at least try to get there.

stop me before i hurt myself

we could easily pretend not to know what the title means, but that would be obscure, not the real, so what i means is (with reverence to tangled up puppets everywhere), i really must change habits and hopefully soon for i eat way too much (relatively balanced, just way too much) and exercise way too little (in spite of softball several times a week) and live way too alone (leaving me way too cool and non-chalant and possibly more vulnerable that i think), among other things (hey, let's start with these three biggies). meanwhile, i am probably moving into a place of my own to actually physically live alone for the first time in almost ten years (but that is not what i mean by live way too alone above, ya know?). hopefully this upcoming move will be the start of the change i need, trusting my own self-influence to change the habits i've fallen into over the last few years as has happened in the past. but it is recorded here for posterity (and anyone who cares) just the same, i mean, in case i die before i change my ways. you know, suicidal people always leave a cry for help somewhere.

time keeps on ticking

music at work plays at my desk again this week, though i really must add more cds to my work collection. another mybook would help, but expenses will be extremely higher than usualy this month and much higher than they have been from now on, so it would be quite wise to hold off on any major expenditures (so i'll probably go out and spend $1000 on a mybook and new laptop any day now, right?... shhhh, stop giving me ideas/// wait, they are my ideas, so i suppose i am telling myself to stop... fine reverse psych job that is, we all know i do not like being told what to do so i often do the opposite and... quite a loop we are weaving here, aye?).

and the storm puts most of life on hold this week. not that it matters to anyone but me in the real. no worries, when you get here, this will be waiting. until then, hope it's been fun for you, wherever you've been :)

the secrets of time in the real

these words appear before your eyes in these moments in your time, however they were written in these moments in my time, moments that are most likely not the same moments, but are still these moments that we call right now... and the time-date stamp on this entry may or may not be either of those moments in anybody's time.

this is the real as far as time goes, for what it's worth, for what it means to you, for as much as you might want to know (and hopefully you do).

missing parts and parts of pieces

the intention was to stop by once a night, just before bed perhaps, and leave some dropping, the remains of the day, here in words for posterity and anyone who stumbles by... and then, i forgot... life distracted me, shopping for a new place to live, piles of work at work, softball and social calendar stuff (see calendar on right)... and there's still so much left to do, more shopping and deciding and arranging the move and moving and softball increasing to four, possibly five days a week... so many days passing unnoticed, unrecorded, unshared by posterity (or the one, ya know, why else do you think this is here?)... the real, remember?

meanwhile, last night there was a farewell dinner for a friend leaving to go to NYU, a party after that where we watched George Carlin and played with a shocking game, a bit of hanging in the parking lot deciding what to do next, stumbling across others we knew who were showing up late for the party, midnight bowling, and closing a bar. just another saturday night :)

secret # (secret number)

each day may have an entry, eventually, as if they were always here, at which point this entry may be gone, or not, or moved elsewhere, or coded secretly into the dna of the blog... someday we all will understand...

perspective ego

you might think that you are why this is happening, but you are only why you are happening, this is what is happening to me. this blog is a puzzle when it should be a path to clarity, but if we ask why, we might find more than one contradictory answer for ego does not always agree with the heart or libido, for that matter, and the other compartments (id, superego, spirit, soul, anima, ka, cha, wah wah and so on, depending on dictionary) will present amusingly diverse (and potentially conflicting) testimony that will disrupt the routine flow of thoughts in our heads. so believe what you will, but try not to expect what you believe to be true, for mostly, expectations lead to disappointments, especially when ego leads the way.

life is life, work is work, play is play

simple facts we should all remember. and the ceo reminded me today that understanding and caring are not part of the organization i work for as instead of inquiring how i felt after i had called in two days in a row (which amounts to two days more of sick time use than i had in the past year or two, even), i was sort of reprimanded. we concluded our conversation with me thanking him for giving me permission to call him on his cell phone at any time if i had a real emergency because he needs me to stay in touch. i recognized he was upset more due to his insecurity and helpless feeling (as, for one thing, nobody knows how to do what i do in the place because nobody cross-trains and nobody has the skills even if there was good management that included cross-training), so i gave him what he wanted to hear and hopefully all is well.

softball was fun tonight.

if you really must know

you are missing all the fun in the real, life's latest new soap opera starring the drama queen of my mind and nobody else at the moment (so when are you going to show up for your part?... ah yes, of course, the irony of the real is that there's an imaginary character like a six foot rabbit or something, right).

the real awaits.

meanwhile, playing hookie from work still feels good in spite of it all. and the new living space search finally began in ernest, so all those in favor say yay.

yay.

stress and cabbage

cabbage metaphorically refers to all vegetables in this instance and by vegetables, i mean vegetation of the mind as the stress of the move finally rendered itself firmly on my brain today and i shall take a couple of impromptu days off from work in order to either throw a pity party because i am old and alone in the world or actually start this new living space search since i have but a short few weeks to get it done. of course i know i am only as young as i feel (which is especially good as nobody is here to remind me at the moment, alas, alack, and allahahaha) and the inevitable is no reason to feel sorry for myself or anyone else (but a good pity party clears the sinuses, ya know?), so i shall most likely count my nose hairs (or navel lint) for a few moments and then, pluck and tick and blow the house down, or something like that.

meanwhile, the plans on the calendar (see link to right) are subject to change at any moment this month due to this moving adventure. stay tuned and we're sure to be confused before clarity finally drops from the sky like a flying spaghetti monster (yeah, or something like that).

today-ish

i probably did something today, but if i remembered what it was, i would not be in the ish mode, ya know?... life rushes by sometimes and with only me noticing, the memory cells are not always recording as the experiences happen... that is sometimes wonderful as it is a sign of being immersed in the moments, but then, after the moments, it can be a lonely feeling too... depends on perspective, like everything else... i hope you have much fun and enjoyment in your today, or ish, even...

not always the moment, but always the real?

that is the question, i suppose, as we (we?... ha... no i am not laughing at you, paranoid git... you?... oh come on, be confused on your own time... i'm the only one here) ponder the moment and the real and the title of this blog, the real, thereal, ethereal... could be, but then, why bother defining anything when nobody is listening cuz, after all, definitions are for communication... stop feeling sorry for yourself (or for me, for that matter) and get up, yeah you, get up off your bottom and take a walk, go outside, smile at someone, say hello, start a conversation, ask about the price of eggs in china or whether there is life on other planets or what was the last show, concert, movie, museum, event they really enjoyed... you can do it, even if it does not work the first time, you can do it again and again... if you really want to share and not be alone... in the real.

game night

being four years old in my head, one of the most fun nights of life these days is when the meetup game group meets up. tonight was one of those fun nights and for eight hours or so a couple of dozen big kids let their little kids (you remember your child inside as in inner child?) come out to play. the few hard core among us who stay until four AM placing balloons under our shirts, scratching our bellies, and eating all sorts of sugar filled food (or late night pizza) have the most fun of all. you really ought to be there one night.

consistency

if i came here every day and wrote something meaningful, something profound, or even just something that i wanted to share, innocuous, personal, general, specific, serious, irreverence, nonsense, or whatever...

would it matter in the end if you missed an entry?

telling

sometimes there seems to be nothing to say, so i just make it up as i go along and you might not even know it, unless i mention it, but then, that would be telling...

softball tournament

five hours of softball practice saturday and eight hours of tournament on sunday and what a wonderful feeling comes over the body... kind of comfortably numb. the brain pumps out all sorts of euphoria hormones, the muscles bask in lactic acid and go into repair mode, and the memory of being young and in love (wait, that's la cage aux folles), or rather young and in great physical shape comes back once again.

do continue, ppplleassse :)

planetarium

cool show, though a far cry from the Hayden (living in NYC spoils a person). fun to see people i had not seen in a while as the KATN meetup group filled the little space and watched the show. definitely should have been more stars and space stuff, but then, shows will go on (the theme was debuking the rumors that the moon landing and space program was a hoax, for whatever reasons the college chose). we did get to see the real planet jupiter through a telescope though. almost could see the bands (yeah, it wasn't that big a telescope, but it's orlando, ya know?). we did something afterwards, but i forgot what. good night, y'all, wherever you are :)

birthdays

i might reflect on birthdays here, but then, i might not, only time will tell, or me, because time does not have a voice of it's own, after all (unless you can hear it)... so Turk, once upon a time best friend who worked out my softball jones summer after summer on an open patch of dirt we called our field, i hope your life is all you wanted it to be and even though you may still be disappointed in me, mine is, almost, which is pretty dang good in an imperfect world... happy birthday... and may you enjoy many more :)