the happiness habit

wow, it just got so dark i had to turn the light on to see the keyboard (and it's 3 in the afternoon) and yes, the wonder of a thunder-storming downpour is just a few feet away as i watch from the porch... i love weather :)

today shall be relaxing, with chores tossed in... laundry is getting done... cooked chicken for dinner... yummy (yeah, tasted it for lunch already)... maybe some boxes, but mostly relaxing with the computer, the video game, and happiness (in many forms)... someone inspired this next thought somewhere else that i share with you here and now...

habits are just choices, often subconscious like twirling hair or biting finger nails, sometimes slightly more conscious like putting on a turn signal or looking before crossing a street... sometimes habits are for self-preservation, sometimes for distraction, sometimes for the love of the activity... happy people tend to arrange our physical environment and lives around habits we enjoy... i choose to find leave my laptop on and next to where i sit most of the time because i love writing and communicating through words... though i fall out of the habit of reaching over for the laptop and waking it up and opening a blog box and typing some words, i consciously choose to encourage that habit for the love of words and kit...

an essential key to happiness and contentment and peace and security and sanity and smiling in this life is to do what you love to do and make it a habit...

hope that makes sense to you... and i hope you are doing it :)

cuz i love you... and cuz love feels good and i like to feel good cuz that makes me happy too and i like to be happy cuz i love me... it's really pretty simple when you get past the fear and just open yourself to yourself... and that's the kind of day today has been and is and shall be...

i hope yours is the way you love it too :)

ridiculousness, the good kind

yeah, you too, that is, i miss you and i miss dreaming of the one and i miss being in love and more, but i love life and today's slice is a fine example of why as a massive workload at work as i do the job of several people in preparation for the annual government survey next week kept me going from before 8am to past 6pm (and i forgot to eat but had to rush to pick up jackson for softball) and then, fun fun fun two softball games with jackson and other friends (and without caffeine or food {just some grapefruit juice} i was solid awake as i got on base every time i got to bat and pitched good and scored three times from second running really well and batted in a few runs and yay for being forever young... great song too) and then, yum yum yum ate splurgy dinner out (spinach and five cheese dip with guacamole and 35 shrimp alfredo and yummy yummy good) and then home for ice cream (mrs fields chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwich and more) and now jackson is going to bed and i am wired so so so more fun with my favorite video game and might work more this weekend cuz i can be responsible like that when i wanna be and i will definitely play more this weekend and i hope you are finding some fun and yum too...

feel free to tell me all about it in your spare time :)

technology sucks tonight

sometimes technology is just plain cruel... almost two hours of browsing my music library pulling song after song into a playlist and suddenly the microsoft sucks windows media player has apparently frozen and of course i have not saved the playlist and it was getting so very good...

and it is gone before it fully played...

technology sucks tonight...

life, words, and kit

life continues even as most of it is occupied by working for others and sleeping... five or six hours left for actually free time living and the writing that clears my mind and some evenings there is just a cloudy clutter behind my eyes and a hunger for more sleep... ah, yes, there is so much repetition in this life and in the words and all humors aside, most of the words are ego food pretending people love me (and read me all the time ya know) and some of the words are therapy and other stuff too, but the point of life and words is still the same at the bottom line...

kit... just kit :)

coulda been you

from the land of couldabeen :)

missing links

as i drop them into entries
as the days slide passed us now
i wonder how many will never find your eyes
(not to mention your heart and mind)

and rather than believe
they have been a waste of time, somehow,
i shall believe they will be shared someday
(that some day we will find the time for rhyme)

and so i leave them here to be found
cuz that is what makes my world go round

(and then i thought out loud) . . . hmmmm, there is a rhyming pattern in there, however complex or meandering, that inspires my smile as much as the message within the words that form the rhyming pattern if you know what i mean... almost a month and almost as many entries (and links to other entries) as days gone by and what might have been is wistful and whatever will be will be as it's always been (meta-time-ically speaking)...

(and then i shared the day) . . . another long work day without taking a break cuz it was almost time for normal people to go home when i looked at the clock and home just in time to make a sandwich and catch the ncaa women's tournament with jackson and nod off in the chair and wake to find myself here with an entry box waiting for words... so here are the words and now, where is bed? :)

KIT! :)

and so it goes and yes i said it right there at the top in the title it coulda been you this entry was too but instead, it was to someone else who wasn't here either so in the end it was to me and so it goes and so it goes and i am... the only one who knows :)

if you ask why i am smiling, you most likely do not know me well enough to understand my answer and so it may sound absurd, but if you do not understand my silence, you will not understand..... my words . . . my words . . . my words :)

rolling with the coaster

the good news is it's cuz they've been fun and fun is overriding asleep, but still... blurry... just waking and waiting for the shower and then i head out for softball... morning and late afternoon games... some relaxing fun yesterday, played tennis with jackson and hung out... anxiety is powerful as jackson is currently in a job search mode (who like that process, after all) and we really ought to tighten out belts big time very soon (who me?... i don't wear a belt {he says as he glances up to the sky mock whistling}... aherm, nyuk, narf :)

i stayed up late to play my video game to insert more fun and energy into my head (passed on a party about an hour away so i could get sleep)... and that was yesterday and last night and now, off to the showers and softball fun... whatever is going on, make the best lemonade you can make :)

saturday happened too

as in, saturday happened too, ya know?, or something like that... cuz it di, happened, that is, i mean saturday, the day, the frame of time, the event, saturday... it was a day, in fact, a whole day, was saturday... saturday the day, and night too, though the night was shared by both friday and sunday, like bookends, kinda... anyway, saturday happened, also...

even though i wasn't here to mention it at the time, it might appear that i was now thanks to the science of blogger date-time stamps and the relativity of time... i think i spent most of saturday with jackson and also playing ncaa football, but i don't remember the details at the moment... they were written somewhere, i think, so posterity might find them, the saturday moments, that is... whatever happened saturday, i remember it was good, fun, and relaxing with a think slice of intense emotion...

i hope your saturday happened too, and it was also good :)

friday, i think

so i sat down here at this time on this date with the loosely constructed idea of typing some words into this blogspace to catch up a bit on the week that mostly flew by cuz thursday was work work work softball and friday was work work work softball and maybe i did not want to think about the softball cuz there were three losses in a row (and going back to last week, i think there were even more, though we may have won the last game on sunday so maybe the losing streak stands at 3, which is one of the longer losing streaks i remember, though i don't keep track and wonder why i don't now that i think of it cuz i love statistices but it could be that i want to remember the good and forget the not so good, which makes sense too in a rather human and not so much like me, particularly, way... anyway, i was here at the time stamped and never did get around to typing any words, just for the record and posterity and all)...

friday was long... the usual at work, which is lots of work with a couple of weird personality conflicts that come and go and may be improving more recently, though it is not always easy to be sure... o love what i do, the personality conflicts, no so much, but as long as they are less often, work life is good most day... and softball was a mess as the league kind tossed up the rules to some others to manage and did not appear to communicate that well as it took three innings to get the rules straight which messed up the games and the two teams i play for lost both in part thanks to the rule changing, but mostly cuz nobody was hitting and many errors gave up many runs, which does not help the enjoyment factor as the rule makers confusing brought everyone down... hope it gets better next week... and then i think jackson and i went to dairy queen for yummies and enjoyed the sugar rush (she nodded before i did, naa naa :)

so there was a friday, and it was another full day of memories somewhere in my head... and someday, you will be able to read all about everything... hope your friday was mostly good too :)

another day happened

and it was very much the same as most days as work swallowed most of the time with meetings and reports and then i finally got home and remembered to cook the stuffed clams and stuffed scallops i bought when i went shopping on monday night... yummy... and so was the cheese-fish spread and tostitos with some gorgonzola cheese sprinkled on and cole slaw and swiss rolls and grapefruit juice and life is all about work and food, mostly... made dinner for jackson when she got home (did i mention this yesterday already? lol... time is so relative, ya know?) and then we went to the gym... the best news is that happiness seems ok and is his usually bouncy smiling self... peeing a lot though, so we've been getting him out more... and what else is new?...

been voting for freddy vote every day and he gets a whole year of free rent plus $1000... what a great gift for a college student, right?... so vote often :)

enjoy life, even if you never let me know you are out there (nudge nudge :)

i think i nodded off

last night, that is, when i opened this window to type this entry and now, twenty-seven hours later, i am bouncing between playing the ncaa football game or writing a bit with the tv on in the background (how has american idol been this year?) or... anyway... just got back from the gym tonight and what about yesterday?... well, let's try to remember...

i was bouncy happy silly, i remember that much... dinner was hummus and tostitos and mushroom broccoli cauliflower soup and a couple of swiss rolls... a half a sandwich was a snack later... so i remember food... i played the ncaa game and the winning streak remains intact... happiness peed on the carpet for the first time in many years, hope he is not sick... he was just standing there between me and jackson and started peeing... weird... smelly too... gonna have the carpet cleaned soon cuz it comes free with a lease renewal... good timing i guess... stayed up late playing the game and sitting with happiness... woke up around 5am iun the chair and he was still laying there on his bed next to me... i went to bed for a few hours and then, it's today...

caught up yet? :)

every day is a new day

and sometimes i am acutely aware of it, cuz every moment is a new moment that is so obvious i just want to burst with love and energy and joy and excitement and happiness and openness and wonderness and goofiness and seriously shout out to the whole universe and especially to everyone who cares... welcome to the moment :)

i hope you find yourself bursting into the moment now and then...

and today was work work work, as usual... once again forgetting to break for lunch or drink or anything and tomorrow will be even more non-stop with meetings straight through to the afternoon and getting in early to prepare for the meetings... and today after work i went shopping for food cuz we were mostly out of food... jackson shopped by phone lol... then subs for dinner cuz who wants to cook after shopping (not us... logic exists here)... and then a load of laundry in and watching ncaa basketball and relaxing... life is fun here...

hope yours is fun for you too :)

what's up in your world?

so, i mean, like, so what's up in your world, aye?... yeah, i am curious, i do care, i do want to know, and i hope that whatever is going on in your day or night or life that you are finding some joy in your day and night and life...

my day was fun... my weekend was fun... my nights are lonely when i am awake wanting to share (i miss being in love... and some amazing sex would be sweet too), but i am happier alone than compromising at the moment... when the right one comes along, the compromise will be right and will happen... days and much of my nights are much fun though... even though there is too time given to much professional work, i enjoy it... just want more time for play... overall, even without the magic of being in love and the luxury of retiring early that were wonderful experiences, life is happier and more fun and more satisfying than it may ever have been when all factors are weighed...

today i woke early for an 8am 5k at the university and ran with jackson throughout to push her to do her best time ever and she did, yay, and then we raced over to softball where i pitched a 10am game that was a fiasco in spite of my pitching well (several strikeouts and mostly soft ground balls, many to me... unfortunately, every ground ball not to me was a hit cuz of slow throws to first or errors and nobody was hitting, including me... also dropped balls... and some coaching decisions for the lineup that were not winning decisions... we all could have done better), but we support each other anyway cuz we like each other...

then out to first watch, a breakfast place, for yummy food and then home for a 2 hour nap until heading out to practice softball (only jackson and i showed up, so we took some batting practice and i hit fly balls to her so she could practice shagging fly balls and then, home and here we are... a fun weekend with jackson which is rare lately cuz she's been working so much... and we got a lot of unpacking, rearranging, and housework stuff done too... did you hear?... i actually finally washed my car... and now she's trying to get some work done now and i am gonna wander the web a bit... maybe babble a bit more (had fun with words last night in case you missed it or just didn't know)...

so... what's up in your world? :)

just like old times

way back when i used to babble (and how i loved the flow only i seemed to be able to follow even as i longed for someone else to follow along and share everything) and i was just starting to branch out again (and make jokes about cartography, no less, aye?) and i begged for more attention (or confused my dear readers) by slipping links into rambling run on sentences like this and the few who noticed (and hung in there) and those of you who've been around forever (who wrote the very first song, really?... no, it was not barry manilow either) smiled with me in the wee hours of the night (with or without acknowledgment, if but for a profound moment, even), i loved the feeling the babbling inspired... and tonight i revisited a moment of babble and found myself adding to it as i used to do back then... perhaps that is how we evolve...

meanwhile, a 5k is less than seven hours away, followed closely by a softball game, and today was a very busy day on my feet unpacking boxes and doing laundry and cleaning the house and washing the car and hanging with jackson and having fun and even tossing some catharsis in, so i would be wise to head to bed and attempt to get some sleep if the babbler will allow (and the peanut gallery cackles and giggles and smirks and nyuks and narfs, at least)...

and i so miss you tonight :)

suddenly saturday

where did the week go... sigh and alas and all that... another way too busy week of work work work and play and not enough time for all the things i want to do and now, waking with a sugar hangover today cuz i partied with ferris and foster chocolates (yum) last night and a little time for recovery by rest and ncaa basketball and laundry and cleaning with jackson today... happiness got a bath... jackson was in a serious cleaning mode when i woke up... so i will get into it too... it's a shared experience now and her motivation helps, so that's good... might even clean the car and unpack boxes... wow...

she bacon and eggs for breakfast and we had my leftover sushi for lunch and now, on to the cars and boxes and laundry and stuff... hope your weekend is busy with some fun and reward and productivity and stuff too... be back late i think...

long day, very

long enough for the neck to be hurting... first time in a while, actually, which is good i think... could be tied into lack of sleep... so go to bed...

nite nite...

pushing buttons

sometimes, i love to push buttons... sometimes out of sheer boredom, most times out of innocent curiosity... i mean, if a button is there for all to see (or even if it is hidden and i am the only one to see it), what is the harm in pushing it?...

isn't that what buttons are for?...

on the other hand, some buttons are booby trapped... especially buttons that people build, consciously or not, to cover up stuff they do not want to deal with (so here, push this button and blow it up and we will blame you for pushing the button instead of holding the bomb builder accountable for covering up the mess they tried to avoid)... this is especially true when dealing with humans with fragile egos and irrational fears and avoidance habits, people who would rather filibuster than resolve, people who conditioned themselves to be more comfortable with discomfort, conflict, and confusion than with peace, love, and happiness... know anybody like that?

(how about this?)...

welcome to my work (professional life, that is... personal life too, but that's another story for those who realize everyone does it to some degree)... i love the challenge most of the time, kind of the same way i love to push buttons, sometimes our of boredom, most times out of innocent curiosity... and if we can cut to the bottom line, my intention is to help... why build a button, after all, if it is just to be ignored?... why build a button if it is never to be pushed?... makes no sense, really, unless you are looking for conflict, just setting a trap...

of course i could be wrong... show me? :)

fun is so often over too soon

as in the weekend and weekdays should changes places so we do what we must do for money two days a week and we do purely fun stuff five days a week, i mean, if human beings had an ounce of sense when they set up this whole work-ethic-until-you-die world we live in... must have been some up-tight neurotic people not realizing that a play-ethic would have made for much better and healthier quality of lives for all of us... but then, one look at humanity suggests good sense doesn't play much of a role in the decision making process day to day or lifetime or generational, alas and all...

meanwhile, three softball games in the rain (won two, the team doesn't wake up for early sunday games too well) and the fun was muddy sloppy slippery, but still much fun... a cookout for lunch with the morning team and dinner with jackson and others from the evening team and this happy camper wishing for longer weekends is basking in the pleasure of a fun-filled active social two and a half days (two softball games friday night starting the fun)... and even a few moments to dream as i dream (in the lyrical musical way i love to find how i let creativity play in my mind :)

i hope your weekend was fun your you too :)

afternoon naps

some of the sweetest feelings in this life have come just before, during, and maybe even after afternoon naps... the impromptu moments when sleep just sneaks up and is given the privilege of absorbing consciousness with no regard for the norms of sleep patterns in this ever so forced culture... i never felt healthier than during the years i was retired from the madcap rat race and slept when the body and mind needed sleep and exercise when the body was rested... and i was never more productive, though the product was life and not what our culture normally considers product...

i tire of the madness of the money-driven ego-based (or is it ego-driven money-based... money-dependent ego-lead?... semantic-dependent?... oh why can't we be lol-based, anyway, lol :)

game?...

fun softball, fun friends, fun food, fun nap, so how was your day? :)

if we must

remember this, that is... life is the most beautiful if you find the hope and trust the love during the greatest challenges... whatever comes of it, the experience is worth it all... if we could ask anyone who's already died, they would confirm this truth... believe it or not, your gain or loss and as always, it is your choice...

blast from the past, hope you feel it too...

meanwhile, long work days followed by fun play nights continue and the time and desire to record the details comes and goes, but the desire to keep in touch remains, so here we are... thank you... i shall share more details in time as i always do, but for tonight, i enjoy my personal bliss and the wonder of experiencing the energy of the eternal infinity, alone, but part of it all...

tell me about your day...

cuz it's here

the blog, i suppose, and these words, in fact, are simply here... they simply are, to be more precise... or it simply is... in any case, long days of work continue and fun nights of play continue (pity the latter is just a few hours and the former is 10 or more, silly world)...

so how are you?

sometimes i just want to get away

another day of busy-ness at work and another day of saving their bacon and another day of wondering why and another day of coming home wired and giddy to be home and we ordered in yummy food and ate and watched ncis and something and i played some game and now, it is bed time but first, a few moments online (cuz it's so convenient when the laptop is available for botts, after all)...

stay strong, stay true to your goal, and stay positive... respect the golden...

work work work play

somehow there is something mathematically wrong with the pattern... surely it should be play play play work, and yet, most people are too uptight and insecure to play that much, so people created a world where they restrict their own freedom and limit their creative potential by forcing themselves to work themselves into fatigue most days of the week and ultimately never really have time to actually know who they might be if they let themselves relax and explore their own nature in their free time... no wonder i am alone and still running on my own when everybody else falls asleep... you just don't get it unless you've been there, you just don't get it if you empower fear, you just don't get it if the only song you hear at night is a lullaby that leads you straight on through to morning light in the blink of an eye as if the night was never there, you just don't get it, unless you are aware... fun night, long day of chasing tails, fun night :)

chipotle dinner with precious, racketball and long walk with jacvkson, a little computer time together and now, a bit of the game before nodding off... early day tomorrow, not much sleep ahead, but still, fun and that is what life is all about (don't let work get in the way :)

almost to the minute

i retire to my room to ponder love, or the lack thereof a second night in a row and 24 hours ago almost to the minute i was sitting here semi-lamenting over going to bed early and having no one to play with (and friends were out playing last night and probably are tonight as well, but i am caring for this body as the days are full of activity and sleep and rest are wise healthy life-sustaining necessities at times... hungry, probably more emotionally than physically, but a harvest cherry halls defense candy vitamin tries to satisfy the mouth and the words try to satisfy the hunger to share more and the music plays in the background (if there was a reasonably simply way to share the playlist, i would link it for you... some of the voices are melissa etheridge, brandi carlisle, demi lovato, kate voegle, lenka, meg & dia, sarah mclaughlin, rilo kiley, lily allen, elton john, jarah jane, alexa ray joel, she & him, alanis morissette, ani difranco, lisa hannigan, annie little, portishead, milla jovovich, dia frampton, xenia, john denver, and a few others... little actual thought when into the selections, whole albums just dragged on to the list and then shuffled again and again, except that i like each of the artists... i miss sharing music)...

well that was a parenthetic drift, now wasn't it?... a lot more than it shows here, actually, but then, blogs seldom accurately or adequately express or represent you had to be here moments... and as zooey deschanel sings i wanna be where your heart is home i leave you hoping that whomever you are, wherever you are, you found a smile in these words and you too have some wonderful satisfaction in your life even if, like me, there are some hungers unsatisfied...

cuz love is everywhere, after all :)

too early too late

everybody in this house went to bed with jackson sleeping on the couch in the living room, so i am being good and going to bed, sort of... it took the laptop to bed... it is friday, after all... so we have to wake at 5 something to go running a 5k tomorrow... i am looking forward to breakfast cuz i am starving cuz i didn't eat today cuz ahca showed up at around 10am and didn't leave until around 9pm and didn't stop for a break the whole time, so neither did i... so i supposed am in an impromptu mini-fast and semi-cleansing that started when i forgot to drink caffeine a couple or few days ago... lose weight time, perhaps... sleep would be good for the body... but wanna play...

no, i will never grow up...

how are you? :)

home is good

cluttered, messy, but good... gonna do dishes tonight... out the blue, even... told jackson if she gets all her work done donight i'd do dishes and vacuum cuz her mom and dad are coming for the weekend and the p-lace is, well, messy... and here i am getting home from softball (one walk, one hit, two runs, two rbis in four innings and we win 23-5) and she's working hard and music is on so i find myself on the computer instead of zoning into tv or the video game, just like old times...

i miss some of the old times a lot...

you? :)

still breathing

heading out to softball in a few, long work day again and stopped home to walk happiness and grab some food... hopefully yesterday's illness was caffeine withdrawal and not food poisoning... i guess i will know in a few hours or later tonight... caffeine withdrawal was definitely part of it... yesterday was a day from what is casually called hell... cramps, headache, neckache, ache ache... and true to form, the ceo pounced like the sadistic narcissist he can be... and today he acted like nothing happened... no rudeness, no threats, no disrespect... he is really so detached, out of touch, makes no sense, and completely lacking in people skills if it wasn't for the old south good old boys network, he'd never have made it to where he is.... sure couldn't if he started out today... and still i love the challenge of trying to help him...

and here am i open to any scrutiny from anybody anywhere being as honest and understanding and forgiving as i am able because i am not in this world to compete or fight or feed into negativity... i do what i do, i am what i am, imperfect and inconsistent, but still true to my ideals, open to change, and welcoming your thoughts... even if they don't always appear to make sense :)

so what else is new?...