more than anything

i still want to share the trust and truth and understanding and comfort of being with someone who knows and feels and shares the power and security of actualizing the ideal of honesty without harm and the open mind and curiosity and passion for learning and sharing and...

fun, most of all, it's the fun...

too much structure is not fun

yes, this is true for me more than ever and i must remember this (a kiss is still a kiss, but that's besides the point)... the world is too full of structures and i must arrange for time to be out of that game of control and worry and fret and frown upon free thought... it's not about the bullsugar... it's about the truth of freedom and individuality, the precious gift so feared and hidden behind the words...

be yourself today, that's the celebration life deserves :)

relaxing wonderfully

but now running late as i told a friend i'd stop by to do a voice test for a film he wants me to narrate... so up up and away i go out into the world again... more rest later... and tomorrow too :)

hope you are taking care of you :)

some rest

not enough, but what could be a good start if i make time to continue the rest... and bloat, fatigue, excess all become more real... change?... that would be great... but it starts with rest...

slept almost all day... ate too much last night cuz i went shopping and bought all sorts of food and snacks and sat around munching some of everything... eggplant rollatini, meaty calzone, chocolate ganashe cake, smoked fish dip, southern potato salad, pastachios, cashews, chocolate milk, yum... too many nuts...

passing up social life, but will probably go out to see friends tomorrow afternoon... maybe some exercise, that would best... and rest, more rest...

how are you? :)

sighs and smiles

eating a little too much of the foods i love has me bloated mostly cuz i am so deeply tired and feeling a fair measure of the deepest kind of loneliness (and the neediness of happiness is distrating and the blowing out of magic is sad) and it all adds up to the ocerall imbalance of a life dominated by work with a good measure of play, but zerop intimacy and personal comfort for a very long time... most of this life, actually... sigh...

still, the joy of life and being me inspires the smiles (usually nobody understands these smiles, but that's ok cuz they are not dependent on anything outside of me)... all that is missing is someone who understands and shares this experience and the hope that someone exists in the real who will share that with me someday keeps the smile alive outside of my head as well :)

worked late again

was sitting here nodding at the work laptop while american idol and the magic games were on the last two nights and fell asleep before i came to my online word places, but no worries cuz the words will be here when you finally get here (there's always hope, and on and on) and we'll share the laugh for all the time gone by...

much work done, lunch out with friend today, starting to re-adjust my work hours and attitude to accomodate health and welfare of me... and let's hope it works this time... softball later, dinner cooks, happiness had his walk, and all is right with this little world ...

so what's going on in your world? :)

sleep

now...

losing interest

perhaps just for the moment, but not just bullsugar, the excitement about putting words out on the web, the dream of communicating with the world, the hope that the one will find me if i just keep writing writing writing on and on and on here there and everywhere... wanes...

that is the time to remember a bit of practical philosophy...

the real, work too much, not enough play, not enough love and trust and intimacy, not enough passion or romance or laughter, not enough beauty or pleasure or wonder or excitement or time for dreams or personal life or me... make the most of the moments, for there are way too few to waste even one...

lack of cuddle

there is a distinct lack of cuddle in the real these days... the reason is i tired of the physical game of trusting people in the intimate spaces because too many took advantage and blah blah blah, i gave up on personal intimate love and trust and romance... sucks to let a dream die, but that is the real as real as any real... so i eat a bit more and fall asleep alone...

hey, you expect perfect positivity all the time?...

narf, and all...

long hot day of softball

three games, won one and lost two... and the other team lost as well, but i didn't play with them cuz it was playoff time in the first sunday league... unfortunately, the orlando jc rockstars did not show up to play and it showed... only ten guys showed up, mostly late, and mostly sleepless, lethargic, alas...

we came from behind to win the first game, but got wooped good in the second and third game... the top three teams have been in the C devision for years and there's one or two other C division teams and then the rest are first year C division teams... we finished fourth in the league, ahead of all the other former D division and a few C division teams, which is good, but the fact that the team doesn't show up to play to their potential for the playoffs is frustrating...

i got to the later league game late and they were set for a lineup and i was exhausted, so i didn't ask to jump in (and they didn't ask either, which was strange, since they were way behind when i showed up)... they lost to the team that won the championship last year, but the championship team didn't look that good, so if our whole team shows up for the playoffs (like they didn't do last year) we should do well...

home, leftover pizza, taking care of happiness, and jackson got home late from work (she was on call) and brought home a chocolate shake for me (yay roommie :)

nite nite :)

a little rest

yeah, after the alarms finally settled down, i napped... i woke to the sound of alarms as the, well, i'll just cut and paste what i wrote to the manager...

Early Saturday morning before the office opened we had an issue with the alarm and had to pull the wires out of the box to turn it off as it woke neighbors. Pressing Function 5 did not work, neither did pressing Function 1234 as detailed in the move-in paperwork. It started with a frequent short beep repeating throughout the night, the sound a smoke alarm makes when the battery is low. A neighbor said there was a power failure, so that might have triggered the beeps. As the beeps woke Jackson, she tried pressing function 5 to no avail and she went back to sleep, or tried to.

In the morning about 9am, a steady siren started when she opened the front door. The alarm itself started blaring about a minute or two later and nothing we pressed stopped it, so after about five minutes of blaring alarm or so with neighbors coming out to see what was going on, I finally just pulled out the wires from the speaker box itself. Later in the day when we opened the patio door, the loud siren started again. At that time pressing Function 5 off seemed to have worked. Currently, the alarm panel is flashing armed for zone 1 and 2, however there are no noises. I hope there will be no further disturbances this weekend.

yeah, so anyway, i didn't sleep late and the various beeping kept me from sliding into the impromptu afternoon nap i had pencilled in for today... but somewhere around 6pm i finally did slide into a nap for a few hours... not extra sleep, just completing the sleeping in that should have happened this morning... tomorrow is an early start full softball day, so maybe i'll get to sleep in next weekend... if the body lasts that long...

wasn't i talking about taking some time off this month?...

what am i doing up so early?

the smoke alarm was beeping all night like maybe the battery was dead and jackson started playing with the control panel for the alarm system and the alarm went off, so i got up to try to turn off the alarm and finally just yanged the wire from the alarm box and now it's hanging from the wall...

don't play with the control panel without instructions, aye?...

i asked the office for instructions when i moved in and they said they didn't have any, so i ignore the alarm panel mostly (though i know how to turn one part on and off so there can be a beep when the door opens)... so when the office opens i'll call maintenance to fix the dangling wires...

so tired again (again?)

yeah, watching sci-fi tv and zoning and nodding and zoning and gonna sleep deep tonight (i hope)... hope you enjoy yourself too :)

must sleep

got some work done at work, a hard core chill from some, but email communication continues and at least one of the two who challenge is being professional about it, the other doesn't seem to have a clue about how publically unprofessional, condescending, dismissive, and undermining she is, but drawing her out into the open is the best way to teach her as she is far too entitled and self-important to learn directly...

softball was fun tonight... i ate dinner before the game and had much more energy, pitched better, hit better, ran better (and didn't even stretch, something i remembered after the game, and nothing hurts at all), and enjoyed the game much more... winning 18-2 probably helps, but it was the energy level that made the biggest difference for me...

home on time to watch season finalies of bones, fringe, and the mentalist and i think i am actually wanting to watch those shows, especially fringe... we'll see how long that lasts now that they'll be off for a couple or few months... gotta be up around 5 tomorrow, so i am off to bed... hope your day was productive and fun too...

soooo tired...

so sleep...

junk food and rain

the office staff do not communicate with each other and seem to be rather incompetent as they've sent us three or four leases already and all had errors or omissions and they want us to digitally sign online... and then the office staff who screwed up the lease and request for maintenance called and apparently screwed up again, sending maintenance today instead of tomorrow, which is the appointment i set up yesterday...

so i emailed them and asked them to correct the lease before we sign and hopefully they will keep the appointment for maintenance that i set up yesterday because locking happiness up a second day this week for nothing ill not bode well for the management staff and service here at this supposedly luxury apartment home place...

and we went over to jackson's old place and picked up some more of her stuff and stopped at taco bell, first time for me in almost a year, and jun food dinner was yummy, but now i want more junk, which is par for the junk food course... and we got home just before it started seriously pouring with storm warnings (mood indigo?) and now we are relaxing watching idol (which continues to disappoint big time) and the magic second game...

having fun, hope you are too :)

wanna sleep, wanna watch

that dang craigyferg, king of the hobos, talk of the robot skeleton army, video icon in his own mind... mind?... don't mind if we do... but i so crave sleep just as well, much?... nite :)

happy birthday craig :)

one more night, again

and again, another day, again, another moment, again, one more, again, sorta, kinda, well, continue... variations on a theme called time (that'll be better next time)... and today, work work work and more work, then home to find the maintenence people did not keep their appointment so we locked up the dog for nothing and we'll have to do it again wednesday... poor service is worse at high prices... this place is losing my recommendation today and will have to earn it back...

yummy dinner and then, the end of house or the beginning of a whole new house of healing, relationship, or something like that... am i being obscure enough or can you find the threads?... who's looking, aye?... and now, 24 and it gets pretty radical, which is good...

hope your night is good too :)

work play fun friends

all squeezed into every single day along with good food and tv distractions and artistic amusements and games and did i mention fun?... but what about the love?...

so tired, one more time

yes, another very long day... a few text messages from a few friends convinced me to head out last night after the long tiring day of moving and much fun and coffee continued to about 5am... did i mention that already?... yeah, well, anyway...

woke on time for softball today and played two good games that we won so we clinched second place in the "C" division league which gets us into the playoffs and we won our game in the other league and the body smiles exhaustedly, even if it isn't a word...

hung with jackson at home after the games and now, bedtime... soon :)

hope your day was fun and smiled exhaustedly too :)

not sleeping much

and loving every minute of it as friends coax me to push (with a big jolt of help from caffeine) into another later night party mode and we had fun fun fun till the eyes were all closing around me and just eight hours ago when i showed up at the party after moving jackson's stuff for hours in the peak heat of the day and feeling exhausted i was barely able to articulate how tired i was (the conders of the coffee bean and sugar and chocolate) and here we are (after sleeping only four or so hours last night) wired and still gonna go play softabll from 10am to 5pm or so tomorrow cuz the bottom line is i am not gonna find the sharing i am missing by staying home or while i am sleeping, diggity...

and when i die, i die... until then, party on life :)

continuing laundry

and unpacking and folding and putting things away, finally... i talked to the office and we can have a storage room in the same breezeway for just $15 a month, they'll have the keys monday so i'll pick up the keys and clean/spray the room and next weekend take further huges steps toward moving in completely... wow, aye? :)

and how is your day going? :)

fizzip

all night long cleaning, laundry, unpacking... maybe 50% done, yay... big green chair and computer in bedroom so the living room and kitchen are ready for jackson's stuff which is someing in the morning... whatdya mean it is morning...

sleep a few... nite nite :)

another long day

early to work, from work to softball, from softball home for dinner... decided i wanted barbeque burger and smoked sausage and did it in the oven on broil and it was surprisingly yummy... stupidity and violence fills the news, as usual, which would lead one to believe humnity is best described as stupid and violent... i'm still looking for proof to the contrary because i am a hopeful child...

but hope alone, like wishing or praying, does not fulfill desire...

sigh :}

missed yesterday

jackson came over and we went out for dinner and watched idol, which continues it's disappointing season as the novelty of tv in general is wearing off... tonight, i ate what i almost ate last night, probably too much, definitely more than the body needed, but that's the habit again these days... living with someone may change that...

whatever happened to you? :)

sheesh and all that (sorta)

not nearly all that and hardly a sheesh, really, but some sort of reaction to the passing time without keeping in touch with myself must be noted... for posterity, if nothing (or no one) else)... alas, no time for the real, even...

keep on...

days blurr

yes, the dreaded two r blurr... was so sleeping about five hours ago and forced myself awake to watch Lie to Me and then Idol and wondering why cuz the show sucks this year in spite of a few good weeks and now, after midnight, wide awake again as usual...

nocturnal is as nocturnal does... wish you were here...

wanna sleep, wanna eat

oven on, will i fall asleep?... want to much, but hungry too... how are you? :)

passing midnight again

gots ta gets me some sleep soon, yeah, gots ta... bleary blurry eyes don't wanna close, but body numbing, but brain wired, sorta... i need a mother who won't drive me crazy... long day, nothing new, except everything that didn't happen yesterday... more surveyors tomorrow, meetings, reports, a hundred hours work to do before friday... but suddenly, i'm all a twitter...

no wonder i am mostly alone in this world :}

long days

i work too much, but i enjoy what i do and love much of what i do and have nothing much better to do unless playing and writing and doing others fun stuff is better so anyway, long day... head is all better...

hope yours was fun too :)

heat headache

fell asleep and four hours later, right on time, i woke and headed for bed, but the heat headache had me awake and rolling, so i returned to the big green chair and played some game and have the tv distracting me with a very bad sci-fi film (most are acted so very poorly, reflecting the limited imagination of actors and people in general, but that's besides the point cuz it's the distraction, right?)...

drinking more fluids and hopefully will feel sleep coming on again soon as morning approaches and another busy first week of the month work week looms... pondering looming as a concept...

enjoy life, wish...

softball blues

pathetic fielding and hitting and we lose both games of the double header which makes three loses in a row and we should have easily won the first two as those teams won two games between them all season... with 3-4-5 in the lineup not hitting and nobody fielding well, the team will not win and there's so much drama unrelated to the game that it's really not fun playing... and there's no energy on hot days as nobody deals with heat well... dunno why some of these guys play as the team is not focused on playing softball even during the games... but i am their pitcher and they are really sweet people, so we'll try again next week...

softball blues over... the other league is fun every week, no drama, focus on the game... and we won 13-3 while relaxing and enjoying the game...

seriously tired now :)

gonna sleep now

happiness is 95& of the kitchen and 90% of the bathroom unpacked and put away... only the bedroom remains... and the excitement of actually buying bedroom furniture (or at least an actual bed) glimmers on the horizon... perhaps as an independence day gift to myself...

farewell old dreams, make room for someone new :)

unpacking, relaxing

last night i slept almost 12 hours i think and i feel more rested today than i have in many weeks... and finally, the dining room boxes and kitchen boxes are empty and while there is still the counters to clear, the unpacking is done everywhere except the bedroom... yay for moving in...

i treated myself to yummy pizza as a reward... you shoulda been here, but at least the smiling day will be here to read about whn you finally arrive... hope your day was as restful and productive and happy :)

will facebook replace the real?

that question popped up in my head a moment ago as i put the keyboard aside with the intention of going into the kitchen to start unpacking or eat (not simultaneously, i think)... will facebook replace this haven of solitude that present literary conundrums amidst mundane details of daily life that all of you wonderful people eagerly await with baited breath in my mind?...

what?...

heck if i know :)