apparently not

sleep, that is... and here i want to go to 13 the musical tomorrow night... maybe saturday will work better after some rest... but softball wants me to wake at 8am on saturday morning... that may be what is draining me most, not having any sleep-in days at all for weeks and weeks on end... unless i just do nothing tomorrow and fall asleep without watching tv or playing games or giving myself any me time...

so i am enjoying me time now :)

though quite groggily :)

softball fatigue

we won 13-9 by coming back from an 8-2 deficit in the third inning which was much fun and blurry which meant i hit poorly and pitched ok, but struck out one in the last inning and got two to pop up, which is what counts most in the whole game thing...

home, eat, rest... sleep?...

smile :)

fatigue

home after another long no lunch day so i chowed down on calamari, seafood cheese spread, babaganoush, crackers and pretzles and potato salad and strawberries and water and yummy healthish... jackson and casey stopped by and they're spending the night... maybe i'll fall asleep after idol... or not... definitely fatigue...

lost in the game

bowl bound college foorball has most of my attention these days... giving my brain a distraction, a vacation from anything responsible or meaningful or connected outside of my head...

jackson and happiness came by for dinner and to drop more stuff off... happiness is itching more and has an inflammed tail, so the vet is being called tomorrow... and the brain needs sleep now...

hope life is fun for you too :)

mostly lost offline

-spent most of the last few days playing with happiness (jackson's dog, in case you are not following along, who spent the weekend while jackson was out of town) and the majority of time was spent sitting still, playing the college bowl bound computer game that lets me vege into numbers without thinking about much else (friday and saturday) and then saturday night a game night wth friends and today, a little softball and that's the way it is, today and days passed...

still want to keep in touch though:)

a little more sleep

alas, the phone woke me as work called to let me know about an incident and te sleep was feeling so good and i am waking smiling, though still groggy, and i shall sleep some more... happiness is at my feet hungry for attention at each movement, but he's good and didn't wake me... hope your morning was as productive and enjoyable as mine :)

awake why?

cuz the body is used to waking before 9am and happiness is here wanting attention and scratching himself a lot and i am wondering if we have fleas, which is a thought that woke me and helps keep me awake... i am taking the day off, so i have every intention of napping if happiness cooperates... gonna rest, i hope :)

late again

i was so sliding into sleep about six hours ago and now, wide awake and ready to bounce around and all i've got are the words and the tv and the empty room... jackson is here, but asleep like most human people with good sense and day jobs... and me, i am looking for snacks and games to play... so once again i am left to wonder... is there anybody else in the world like me?....

i'll be here having fun when you get here time for fun :)

a little early

home, that is... and cooked some good food (shrimp, asparagus, peppers, garlic, onion, tomato basil sauce, penne, yummy)... and fell asleep... and woke to clean a bit and do dishes and dishwasher and unpack just a little more and rest now... jackson's coming over and we'll watch idol gives back and i'll fall asleep... maybe...

taking friday off to sleep all day... maybe :)

days rushing by

faster than is comfortable these days, i am not sleeping enough to be awake enough to enjoy the time as much as i could if i was awake enough to enjoy the time as much as i can when i am awake...

wish you were here :}

could have fallen

asleep, that is... but the sharing bug is boting more and more so i write and read and hope and glance up at the tv for distraction and i ought to get to the gym but i am soooo tired and still, share?... and sleep would have been very wise because i wouldn't have snacked on the fuits and nuts and i would be more rested for tomorrow which would be good cuz i've got to run the monthly quality meeting and have few of my reports ready so it'll be almost all verbal reporting... but i stayed awake anyway and tomorrow, whatever will be will be...

i'll have fun, hope you do too :)

food heaven

yes, this might be a religion i could buy into, a religion that has a food heaven, all the food you can eat of any kind you can want and no negative physical effects...

i tossed in the towel at work this month, so in stead of sitting at my desk (or bringing the laptop home) all through the night as i have done other months, i left at a semi-reasonable hour (still after everybody else) and cooked up some lobster and shrimp ravioli (with extra shrimp to give the sauce some body and of course, extra flavors to make it mine) and yummy yummy yummy i've got love in my tummy, or at least... food heaven...

so i'm home and tomorrow, the monthly review of everything we do meeting will go on without my review of everything we do... could be kind of short :)

did i mention honey roasted cashews and dark chocolate candies for dessert? :)

more time needed

if only time could be purchased or bartered for, if only if only if only... not enough rest, but much more not enough me time and not enough friend time and not enough love time and not enough intimacy time and not enough play time and not enough writing time and not enough music time and not enough singing time and not enough art time and not enough exercise time and not enough detailed body care time and not enough house time and not enough car care time and not enough gardening time and not enough nature time and not enough meditation time and not enough stretching time and not enough shower time and not enough... time to list all the things there are not enough time to do and nurture and experience and enjoy and share...

hi-ho...

can't win 'em all

we went up against our tournament nemesis, precious little miracles, and in spite of ridiculous drama that distracted players enough to give up 10 runs on errors and arguing on the field to the point where i had to yell that we are playing a game, there is a batter up, and i am about to pitch, we won 16-11... and then it was off to the other game, the playoffs, where we unfortunately were missing one of our best players who leads off and plays left field, not to mention our shortstop who hits with power and a couple of other starters... and then, it was a muddy field where nobody in the infield could maintain footing and i had to put from 2-3 inches of sticky clay-mud... and errors galore as we played one player short and even our best outfielder couldn't seem to hang on to the ball and our shortstop and second base people never play there and our first base person had a broken toe... we lost 19-17, dangit, and came one batter away from winning...

we should not have played the playoff game because the field was not safe... the other team was younger and faster so they had a big advantage... and the playoffs should not be decided by weather and an insafe field, but anyway, we did amazingly well considering the missing players and the lack of experience at positions and the weather and field and yay us for coming in third...

home now, to eat and rest... hope you had fun too :)

much better

to sleep, to relax, to prepare for the game... instead of getting to the field four hours early and standing around in uniform getting tired and dreaned in the heat, relax, sleep, and focus... drizzle outside...

work called to wake me about a half hour ago, but i am not going in on weekends any more (barring a catastrophic event)... i still have to be notified of serious or potentially serious incidents though, so i will get called and i'll ask questions, give guidance and instructions, and decide whether i need to go in... the latter will be extremely rare...

so now, wash up and head out for softball... the cages first to test the back while swinging and then, game time... we shall see if the drizzle get wetter... rain later cancelling the playoffs would not be bad as about five of our regular players are out of town...

make today beautiful :)

early night

delicious dinner of authentic chicago deep dish pizza from giordano's and then to the game night to have fun with friends, leaving early to pick up happiness and move some of jackson's stuff in here so they can spend their first night here so happiness can get used to being here... i could ride back over to the game night cuz the late nighters are still playing, but since i have a lot of softball to play tomorrow and the back is still healing and i was falling asleep before i left for dinner nine hours ago, the rest will do me good...

hope your night was as much fun as mine :)

daily chores

not that i enjoy them, but i wish there was time for them... most days no chores get done at all, which lets them pile up and pile up and (multiply by fifty and then some) and then i am exhausted on saturday and only want to lay around and rest (and the body needs it) and then sunday i play softball from morning till dark (sometimes less depending on the game times) and then the aily work week starts again so...

two loads of wash are happening (though one is waiting for the dryer, so we're a long way from completing two loads) and about 10% of the boxes were unpacked (though that does not mean the contents are all put away where they will be when i decide where they will be... just too tired to think today) and i can walk into the closet and i cleaned the week's trash and showered long and hot and so, a minor dent in the unpacking and a substantial dent in the laundry and a clean place to live happened today...

in about an hour i am heading to jackson's to go to dinner at her favorite pizza restaurant to celebrate our birthdays (which are six days apart), then we'll decide if we are going to the game night, then jackson and happiness will spend the night so happiness (the friendliest dog alive) can start getting used to the place...

yes, i know, a fascinating life... and you wondered why you rush home to read about it every night, aye? :)

enjoy yours too :)

slight addiction

yes, as i mentioned in my newly templated bullsugar (whatever that is), i am slightly addicted to my current entry in my video me blog cuz it's fun and i miss fun so very much (among other things)... waking ealier than intended but charged with more energy than usual and every kind of desire to share (and some are undulged much more than others, so balance, dangit! (with and without exclamation points) and i sense a rush of missing babble flooding my inner sanctums)...

games, babbles, lusts, intimacies, exercise, more more more!...

yes, i work too much... wanna save me? :)

gonna rest today

gonna rest today, mostly... maybe nap... have some work i must get to... maybe unpack a bit, though bending is not too wise until the lower back disk stops hurting... it's much better than it was monday... and a few other body irritants continue to come and go and to and fro, but healthy is relative too :)

overall, i feel wonderful this morning :)

supercalifragilistic (without the bouncing :)

words over sleep

the desire to share overrides sleep even when extreme long-term exhaustion manifests (or is that festers?... cry uncle?... oh, the pun-ishment of old tv show character references) as i sprinkle words all over the blogosphere in what is left of my written gardens (att sucks)...

for you, of course, all for you...

yeah, what (must be again)

the yeah, what? title (with and without the question marks) has been the title of a blog (or journal or diary entry) before, certainly, along with it's sibling, yeah, whatever and cousins yeah, so? and yeah, right (ditto about the question marks)... and this entry was opened last night to be nothing as i must have fallen asleep, so that's the real...

miss you too :)

soooo tired

john lennon wrote a song... and me, off to work i go... hi-ho...

make today stupendous (and smile a lot :)

sick fool

laughing at my own particular stubborn self-destruction as i am still awake and can barely move and know the body will hurt me tomorrow and the mind will not be as crisp as it needs to be but still, laughing at myself is addictive... i think :}

hope you enjoy yourself too :)

more more more (work)

work... just when i wanted to get some other work done, in walks an ahca investigation team... no lunch, no sitting down, and all day later, i am just getting home... so i missed my first softball game in many many weeks... mostly torn about that... actually, skipping a game was probably the best thing i could do giving my back tightness (which still hurts, by the way, but is getting a little better every day, thanks for asking)... and since sitting would have been murder on my back, it was almost perfect, except for the fact that i have a couple of days work to do before tuesday morning and i have the ahca people back in the morning, which means i'll be working all weekend again...

i am taking next friday off... next thursday too, maybe... and maybe the following week, or at least a day or two... we shall see how serious i am come next week... and you?... how serious are you?... what's up?... how ya doin?... anybody home?...

yeah, the cheesy over-tired grin is back :)

more or less

sleep?

not moving much

it only hurts when i stretch standing erect (no double entendre intended)... tired, beyond the fatigue of the day, yet the brain wants more... more intellectual stimulus... more sharing... more ego play... more emo... more interactive meaningful existence (that's life).... just too tired to actually communicate... wanting, sighing, longing, zoning, vegging... and this, dear readers, is e-the-real...

slipped disk

at least that's my diagnosis... it happens now and then in my lower back when i life too much a certain way when i am way past fatigued, cummulatively... sucks, but the muscles do not seem involved, just to posture (disk position), which is why i say slipped disk... still hurts like hell and makes standing up straight quite challenging... wonder how softball will go thursday...

busier than usual busy day with and hopefully, sleep will cure all ills :)

morning already?

yes, and the sleep felt wonderful and was almost enough, but this isn't horseshoes (though it almost is), so laughter abounds (almost) and the day begins with more smiles than most (not almost) others cuz that's the way it is (and i have friends communicating on facebook and email, which is almost more real as this e-the-real that you love to stare at silently, almost)... thank you friends :)

hi ho, ya know?...

healthy dinner?

while jackson is going out for her birthday to some restaurant downtown, i ate wheat thins sundried tomato & basil crackers and roasted garlic hummus with a vanilla activia for dessert and water to drink... so?... healthy dinner?...

gonna sleep soon... dinner out would have been nice... celebrating jackson's birthday would have been nice... sleep is necessary...

early to rise

does not mean early to bed for this body, so no wonder i am not healthy wealthy or wise... though i am comfortable i suppose... and not actually unhealthy... anyway, monthly orientation starts in less than an hour and i've got to make copies of training materials i hand out, so out the door i go...

make your day a big smile :)

long day of softball

woke two hours earlier than optimal rest just to head to the field for a practice, but the coach didn't reserve the field, so some of the team got a handful of batting practice hits and the rest of us drove accross the street where we found all those fields were taken too so we drove over to the batting cages which is where i wanted to go in the first place but i am a good team player and show up when and where coach says and i could have slept two more hours... four hours later we were tired as we were heading into extra innings and maybe if we didn't run around so much and tired ourselves out... from there i rushed over to the playoff game in the other sunday league only to find the team we were scheduled to play did not show and we won by forfeit... i hung around to see the teams we might have to play in the rest of the playoffs next week and forgot about the jack kerouac tribute music/poetry/art show at the white house (home of the conductor of the cirque du soleil set up with a three story concert room and art gallery and more and is an artsy landmark in orlando) and decided i was too tired to go... cooking now, then sleep, tomorrow starts early as it's orientation day... midnight is jackson's birthday, so i want to stay up to send her a happy birthday on facebook and then i'll fall out... and that was today... how was yours? :)

mockery, seriously?

i love to tease and be teased. especially by myself and if you've read me for any length of time and actually understad the meaning in my words, you know this well... and like in the previous, a tease for you is best followed by a tease even more bitingly real (cuz serious teasing is best based in th real) at myself... we should all do what works best for ourselves as long as it hurts no one else, else the mockery is a waste and even detrimental...

and another sunday morning i wake way too early because the coach wants his pre-game routine followed, which includes getting to the field more than two hours before the game and standing around after a light disorganized practice, a practice (and practice) that does not work for me... i would rather sleep an extra two hours, go to the batting cages an hour before the game and then getting to the filed about a half hour before the game to stretch and loosen up by pitching a few dozen pitches and also to cut down on the stand around time and most impoortantly, get the extra two hours of sleep... that works best for me...

but i respect the attempt at uniformity and give up my sleep and my optimal pre-game preparation, therein performing at less than my best, especially hitting as i do not practice or warm up enough... pitching, i generally am good after the first inning, but do have to use the first inning to warm up and sometimes will walk someone or give a good pitch to hit...

and the question above the entry in the sometimes i wonder section below the main title... anybody?... seriously?... if we communicated better in life, we would all do better than we do... at work, at play, at everything... that's serious, this thought in this paragraph, i mean, not a mockery in sight...

so in spite of life's compromises, make today your best as well as you can...

continuing explorations

wandering the web is the intellectual pleasure i enjoy, intercranial orgasms that keep me full of wonder and excitement about living and learning and enjoying life even alone and if the dream of sharing it all never comes, at least i enjoyed myself as much as possible...

jackson stopped by tonight to spend a little time and i loved sharing the internet wanderings i did today with her, but i don't expect her to get into it all the way i do... it was just sweet to share a bit... i'd include all the links, but all the windows were closed and i have food cooking and should get some sleep soon and well, this time you'll just have to ask (so there :)

until you do, i'll just keep pretending you're out there :)

fruitful awakening

though sleep could have easily lasted longer if the phone did not ring, i find myself spouting out purposeful babble and random nonsense this morning at many unknown locals in the new web world (so designated by the demise of the written gardens at the hands of the dastardly att folk, who suck, by the way)... busy day of three softball games tomorrow, so relax today... maybe some laundry and unpacking?... perhaps... fresh air (no times square)...

make this a wonderful weekend...

still exhausted, still awake

future bullsugar believes in love and hopes it will save me (even more tomorrow than yesterday or even today)... today, in the real, i am wired in spite of being beyond exhausted... wish you were here...

slept a lot, still

i slept a few hours yesterday evening and then woke for a couple of hours and went back to sleep for about six more hours and still, exhaustion... must rest this weekend... not even sure if i turned on the internet last night, just ate, sat down, and slept until about midnight, then went back to sleep about 1am after playing a game for a few... still exhausted, but better than yesterday... if i turn on the internet, i don't get the extra hour or few sleep and some nights, i need sleep more than anything else... must make some time off for nothing but sleep and rest this month...

i hear birds in the morning outside my windows... got a mini-forrest ten feet away and it is wonderful :)

yes, pause, clear, breathe :)

still...

:}

blur with a spin cycle

yes, sitting at my desk last night i was feeling the woozy extreme fatigue feeling as i leaned on the border of pushing this body and mind too far... it is so weird when the mind threatens to shut down (as in pass out) and it has not happened much in this life, but extreme long term fatigue is taking it's toll... still, it turns me on, and off, cuz i love lemonade too :)

hi-ho :)

scratching it out

doing my best to stay positive, but so tired - in terms of energy and time for writing of any kind, or just about any activity at all these days, i am practicing minimalism... getting some necessities done, but there's just not enough time or energy for anything else... at least two dozen different work projects are going on at any given time and at least a dozen critical time consumers and then there's all the stuff to do at home and then survival stuff (haven't gotten to a doc or dentist in three years) and the car is three months past it's oil change and forget rotating tires or anything else)...

the good news (sorta of) is that i am maintaining regular contact with myself here and the past week or two made time (sleeping even less) to let words out in many other places because that is survival, but scratching the bottom of the barrel for energy...

sleep more, please? :}

four hours sleep

give yourself a present, go to bed

now :)

steady rush

another regulatory survey today... battle with a subordinate manager yesterday changed a few things at work that will give me more time for myself and less money at the end of the day (I decided to stop doing weekend on-call due to poor management by the interim admissions director who is an entitled drama queen who gets away with delegating too much)...

work work work, something's got to give... so a few thousand less each year, but my weekends are all my own now... and life goes on...

hope life is fun for you :)

not much done

yeah, so i spent most of the afternoon with the cable guy and got the internet fixed, but still have not done any laundry or unpacking or cleaning or writing or... i did get a bunch more work done for work and and relaxed and just got home from dinner out with precious who called cuz she wanted some family on easter and had nobody else around and needed a ride home from work and knows i'm a soft touch and so we ate and went shopping and then i dropped her at a friend (that was not too cynical, was it?... if you aren't laughing you take my nonsense too seriously :)

good weekend, even if it was lonely and too much work and not enough home care me time... you? (someday someone will actually respond regularly and keep in touch and share everything and fall in love and partner forever soulmates and passionate amazement and it may not all be the same person, but hey, won't that be a trip and a half :)

enjoy it all, whatever it is :)

holy speedtrap. batman!

by trap, i mean how could i ever go back to slow if this speed keeps up and by speed i mean speeeeeed... ok, so reliability of test sites may be questionsble, especially since the frog leaps to 384mbps, which is beyond T4, which is possibly not even possible given the hardware and i wouldn't know what to do with 384mbps even if it was real... bandwith place tells me i am at 18.5 mbps and speedtest tells me 13.4, which has been the most logical of the test sites... the bright house test site tells me i am at 34.5mbps, which is a bit suspect since the techs say the system doesn't really offer much more than 20mbps, which is what i supposedly pay for, so anyway... test again on brighthouse and 10.3 shows up, so it does fluctuate... but the connection is much better and it was a combination of re-wiring and a new modem... the modem really made the difference... so wow, and happy new year, or bunny hop, or dead guy day, or sunday, or whatever you want to celebrate... today i'll celebrate speed :)

feeling lonely

work took twice as long as i thought it would and i left some for tomorrow morning and i stopped to shop for food on the way home so now i have a full freezer and a full belly and it's time for sleep for the whole world (in this time zone) and i am feeling lonely...

this is the constant loneliness that never leaves and never wanes but is usually relegated to the back of the consciousness by the busy activities of life and work and helping others and playing games and doing all the things i do cuz sitting around moping or nurturing this feeling lost it's creative appeal some years back... you might say that my misery stopped loving company... nyuk, nyuk, i guess...

hope you are staying in touch with your depths even as you rush through your daily life, cuz somewhere inside, your true colors can be found... and if you live to share like me, you might know the lonely feeling too...

and the real...

years later

or so it seems... the tech showed up and did not have the expertise to test/fix everything and everything he tried changed nothing, so a whole saturday shot and nothing changed except the location of the cable box, which is now atop a kitchen cabinet with wires running up the side of the cabinet... not ideal, but if it works, great...

trouble is, it didn't work... the speed is still way slower than the speed i am paying for, so another tech, a pc-tech (level 3, perhaps, as this guy was a level 2 tech) is coming out tomorrow 2-4pm... hopefully it won't take too long as i'll be heading into work after the tech is done, just like right now... so much for a fun weekend... tonight though, i hope to continue unpacking and moving in and that will be a pleasure (after it is done :)

hope your saturday is more fun than this :)

beginning the process

the moving in process, that is... i botched it at the start, which has caused this long delay... usually i will bug spray a new place first time or, when possible, before moving in... i had the perfect opportunity to do that as i took the place two days before actually moving in, but i dallied (or perhaps i dillied… wonder why dallied is in the spellchecker and yet dillied is not… s’pose you can dally without dallying, but but the most common method is th dilly before dallying, as in dilly dally, ya know… anyway) and still did not bug spray as of yesterday… this morning I bug sprayed all the areas that were not blocked or at least that were easy to get to… so the process begins and the next step is to move the stuff around and spray where the stuff was blocking and then, the actual unpacking can beging… there is also the outside treatment to do which will hopefully get done this weekend, though I must buy the granular stuff to complete it… the cool new battery operated bug spray jugs did not work, so I will return them… I used the pump and the aerosols… aren’t you fascinated by how I have trained myself to live in florida where the bugs outnumber the people a gazillion to one?... ok, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but anyway…

I cleaned a bit but have not started laundry yet and these is the events of the day so far as I wait for the cable guy who is supposed to be here between 12 and 2 and there has been no confirmation call (the first time there were six different confirmation calls)… I am heading into work this afternoon, so the cable company will have it’s second strike if the tech does not show as scheduled… the first strike is not delivering the service as advertised as the extra money I pay for 20mbps has so far provided an average download speed of 6mbps, which is better than my aircard, but considering the speed did hit 22mbps in one out of two dozen tests over the last few days, an average of 6 means there are a lot of hours when the speed is well below 6 and for a few days last week there was no connection that would last more than a minute which is why the service call was put in… the aircard is much more consistent…

how’s your saturday so far? :)

early to home

whatever that saying is, it's good to be home early and to relax and gather my wits for a busy weekend... hopefully work will be light (and not like last weekend when jackson had nine admissions) and i will finally ocus on giving this place a bug spray treatment inside and out and then, finally actually start to unpack... and laundry, got a pile of that too... and maybe a little writing time... there's always hope...

cuz i hope :)

napped

and now awake watching craig... bugged by the probably loss of 90% of the web world because corporate america, in this case, att, did not provide accurate information in email and blocked me from downloading and saving my web pages... att sucks... and then there's work on my mind as well, too much of it, not enough support...

i am reaching the point of faking it because nobody really cares whether i do or not except me and i will burn out if i do not cut back on the time i put into work... so life goes on and i will survive and continue looking for people who care... and for money, i'll play the corporate game and produce the paper in fewer hours a week...

bright house sucks

two weeks into the service and it's gone, connects for a minute or few at ridiculously slow speed (less than 100kbps) and then disconnects... can't even update the virus files and i have to take time out of my life to wait for a cable guy, twice in the first month...

i desperately need sleep anyway... won't put up with this too long... they must get this a lot cuz the tech guy gave me a free month... so i am back on the att aircard... bad news for brighthouse because the aircard is faster than the brighthouse after a two week trial... and they claim up to 50mbps?... that sucks...

and how are you? :)

bright house goes dark

i've read about problems with bright house internet and figured i would give them a shot myself and so far it's been mediocre at best with a download speed not much faster than my ATT aircard and sometimes slower, which sucks considering i am paying for turbo which is supposed to be 30-40mbps according to the tech i just spoke to... i'd settle for the 20mbps i paid for... tonight, it will not even stay connected... wish it was an april fools joke, but it started march 31 and it's no joke cuz i am paying for service i am not getting... so i called tech support, giving up my time to fix their problem, strike two against bright house... maybe the poor service reports on the web were right... we shall see...

so i've got a tech appointment killing my saturday and the only reason i went for that instead of cancelling is they are giving me a month free... i'll give bright house the month and might try att u-verse next if this poor bright house service and disconnect problem continues...

yeah, i know, i should be sleeping... woke from a nap and decided to pay bills and see if the connection got better and it just got worse... now it won't even stay connected... good thing i didn't cancel my aircard yet...

hope your tech life is smiling more than mine :}