libido

recently a good friend asked me why i am not in a relationship and i went over some reasons, like the fact that the libido part of my brain is am rather narrow-minded in what is visually attractive to me and while there are other reasons for my choosing not to reach out and touch, if the right person came along i doubt i would pass up the chance to reach out and see if there is a mutual physical attraction, but people like cami ford (the best thing about brighthouse) do not just appear as i go through my daily activities... there may be hope for mormons yet, but of course there's still the no sex rule... skin tight clothes, but no nudity... am i already detecting double standards and hypocrisy?... and have i just demonstrated why i am alone?... did you see that coming?... or that?... ah, yes, laugh and the world laughs with you, ya know...

meanwhile, when someone attracts libbo (especially visually {skip to the current list here... yes, there is a list}, yes, i am seriously sensual and very visual and not at a loss of other senses at all), she will know... yeah, we can laugh at the candor and/or respect the honesty or do whatever you like, but i know what i like...

not quite yet

and we lose the option of sleeping four hours, most likely, as the entries for the day of the date (it's no secret, really) and the time of year... we have come a long way from woodstock, even from woodstock two, or three, for that matter and the fact is nobody knows... unless you want to... so perhaps i can close my eyes and sleep now...

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

no coincidence, aye?...

nite nite :)

lost in her eyes

well, wishful thinking, but seriously lost in the internet tonight as i've sat here for more than eight hours wandering mostly youtube watching and listening hour after hour and you can find much of my wandering and viewing and listening linked in all of the sites i saw pages specially tonight and tomorrow (remind me to fix that link tomorrow if i forget) culminating in the sheer adorableness and musical gifts of zooey deschanel who helped me finally completed the specific sites i saw for amy's birthday (though natalie portman and mila kunis {especially the last link} inspired the title of this entry and sheesh, where are faces like hers around here, sigh and all that)...

alas, and where did the actual physical world romantic i once was wander off to?... not to mention the imaginary one who wrote thousands of loves songs over the years... zooey would understand... yup, i am in love (yeah, lafs {love at first site} once again) with zooey and her music (adorableness is powerful, but mix it with a sultry sweet voice singing all those standards and it's linda ronstadt and melanie all over again) and still, mila's face melts me (seriously lafs)... superficial?... i so wish i had the opportunity to find out (as i laugh myself off to la la land now :)

nite nite and make it a wonderful day :)

before i check you

i check myself...

that is, that is... what i mean to say is, as if that is not clear or something, is that in this particular sharing made up of putting words on this screen via the cyberspace highway or whatever we might call it now or then or someday, i start writing before looking anywhere else, usually... so if there are comments or reactions of any sort anywhere, like in comments (oh... doh?) or email or even on my phone (still 407-325-1482, in case you wondered how real (e)thereal still was, i mean, just look around, as in scroll just a bit, aye?), i do not know that (about the comments, reactions, etc that might be there, kapish?) until after i start writing a while, at least... see, cuz the writing started out for me and remains, first and foremost, for me... sanity and comfort and clarity and release and work and play and sing and dance and giggle and cry and scream and sigh and whatever else, the inside comes out before the outside comes in (in the place where i feel most like me)... any other way seems to be following and i am not in this world to follow, nor to lead, actually, which is probably why i am alone (amongst the many other logical reasons, aye?)... ya falla?...

lol, hope you woke with a peaceful smile too :)

listening to this
(in the place where i feel most like me)

yeah, really

omigosh... not the sudden blurted out omigosh as one syllable, but the oh-my-gosh of wonderfully wonder-fulled wondrous memory re-incarnating feeling so purely sweetly beautiful that there are no words... of course music bring me here again... tonight, the music of jay & the americans and many other related songs found on youtube... righteous brothers, moody blues, association, elvis, four seasons, lettermen, and so many others... so i've got hundreds of vids to download queued up when i finally stop listening as the library grows... oh yeah, really, all i can do is smile :)

music (and lyrics) makes thereal the best place to be :)

softball later, music now

with softball tonight and nothing planned for the next few hours and jackson at work, i am finally turning off the tv and turning on the music (via my long lost myspace playlist that i forgot about... starts out dreamy, i'm curious to see where it takes me today :)

back to packing

moving (like movies) really should be a shared experience, which is is why i am leaving these words here for you so you can imagine you are (if you are here) or were (if you are here now) part of the experience...

someday i hope to move all of the boxes from storage just north of niagara falls to somewhere near where i live so i can unpack and get all nostalgic and mushy and i so wish someone would share that experience, but that person would have to truly love me or somehow earn much closeness and want to be much close to me cuz the memories in storage go back to the beginning of time as i've known it in this life...

for tonight, we could explore why the harry potter films and world appeal to me so much (as if being an unwanted orphan was not enough), but even more, we can share the packing experience... yeah, so thanks much for stopping by and being here and sharing cuz moving is so much more fun when shared, ya know :)

writing a little

yes, up late, nearling or passing the magical 4am mark, regularly these days (and the eyes and muscles and everything physical is showing the fatigue, alas), but what for, what is to come of shortening the life space through lack of sleep by staying awake and writing writing writing?...

this is no place for philosophical conundrums, and besides, who has time :)

make today wonderful :)

two to go

welcome back my friends to the show that never ends and the babbler will continue in another space and time, but for now i simply say to as one who rarely pretends, the can find the answers not in the wind, but in the rhyme...

so as has been the pattern every few years, i find myself corresponding with toronto once again today... a dozen different messages back and forth, or more, and for the first time in ten years, to more than one of the family up there... it is a facebook xmas miracle, no doubt, and there are two more responses to go...

so that's where i've been, i mean, in case you were checking here and there and noticed my absence... someday we will all understand :)

yay (mostly)

i finally found my way to the bed when i woke from my name around midnight last night... and so the sleep was about four hours from eightish to midnightish and then from then till a little bit ago (don't you just love the clarity i provide to time?... like swiss precision watches, with the ish factor) and i showered and shampooed and conditioned and rinsed and even repeated! (as opposed to jump under the water and rushed through the process) and now i am on time for my early meeting with the lawyers from miami with some breathing room, so yay...

the mostly part is that there was almost no exploring of facebook and other online stuff last night, which is the same as about 350 days out of the 365 days last year, but the past three nights i was up most of the night exploring and i realized i still enjoy that (it's been years, but i used to wander around the web a lot for hours on end, after all, have you never visted my myspace?... i just don't have time to read comments and communicate the way i used to (there are about a thousand unread messages there in my mailbox), no less browse as i did when i was babbling behind the candoor or before or before that even), alas, i miss it but life offline is way too busy to be spending hours a day online...

it was nice to stay up three nights in a row and feel the thrill of exploring again and sure enough, i found some people i had been searching for every time i did an extended web browsing searching wandering and one actually responded, though i am not she if i am remembered yet... spooky to wander through ancient memories like that and yet, so very deep-sigh-high too... so yay (mostly) cuz balance is good, but more time would be even better :)

can i go home now? :)

must have forgotten

even the title is deja vu, but i was so absorbed by browsing the web last night (and most of yesterdat, even as i nodded off) that i forgot to blog, here, at least... i left comments in various places and rambled on a lot, actually, just not in any of my blogs... i think...

it was a wonderful blurry time, it was... but i remember being inspired quite wonderfully to believe there may actually be some hope for humanity after all (i know, i'm so easy)... there are bound to be links popping up here and there sooner or later, so stay tuned for another mad love affair, or something like that...

and work, the usual for a first work day of the month, beating the bushes for the data from department heads, preparing reports, and since it's the first of the year, finishing up the new databases and spreadsheets for the new year... this director stuf is way too easy, really, even when the brain has to work overtime to put together stuff in half the time it would take the ordinary superman...

life is too much fun with self-mockery :)

new year, football

yeah, the college football is on the tv and i am listening with half an ear and occasionally glancing up to catch a play (or more often a replay) when something sounds interesting (which translates, for me, into a fine example of body control and athletic prowess cuz I admire people who care for their bodies well enough to do things that most dare not even try to do... i used to love to dive for balls and make plays that take the body as far as it can go... and this isn't even a sensual entry, though it might be if we allow for double entendres, aye?... i suppose diving for balls would be double entendred for girls and gay guys, though mentioning it now probably deflates the whole effect of the entendre... deflates, hmmmmm... ah, but in the real, football doesn't turn me on sexually... rarely do any sports cuz sexuality cuz most sports are about control, whereas sex is about letting go of control, quite the opposite... is this another digression?... is that another rhetorical question?... am i in the mood to babble?... are we still in e-the-real?... should this parenthetic aside end?) and challenging to do...

while it's not often in recent years, i do go through phases where some days i just sit back and vege in front of the tv with the keyboard on my lap... but i am not that solitary these days, so even on the laziest days i could always move the keyboard if the right person wanted to sit down...

are we enjoying our new year? :)

eve-n now

if may be new years eve for most of the world, but it is a bittersweet memory for me for oh so many reasons that i will not get into at the moment cuz the mood is not here and the time is not here and i am not here, but still, somewhere deep down buried by time and confusion and way too many scars, there is something magical...

happy birthday mel

all through the nights

yes, the real is quite full of emo tonight... and to think, i almost slept through it, but something woke me and the sleep went away and i found magic and the timing could not have been better as i am off tomorrow so the night calls and i answer... and the words flow... and the only things that could make the night better is a return to optimal physical balance and to share it all with the one...

all through the nights, the dream survives...

and that's the realest of them all :)

memories

the sound of music flashes on before my eyes (cuz my fingers press the remote, it's not magic) and the flash-backs to some of the most wonderful sharings of this life fill my head with misty memories (and my eyes with warm fuzzies)... this is when i miss sharing intimacy most, when i feel the wonderful emo that lives in memories cuz as much as life is a celebration for me every moment, the intensity of sharing intimacy does increase the visceral experience exponentially... the best thing about this moment, besides the feelings, is the fact that i can still feel them even after all this time (after all these years, too :)

do it again?... wouldn't it be nice...

and then...

i wonder how many times i titled an entry and then with or without ellipses or parenthetic subtitles), but anyway, this came forth from a response to a comment that summed up the day just fine, so it's an entry cuz it's e-thereal...

yes, it's been a long day... up early for work and work work work and mostly wandering around doing as i please (cuz directors cando that, oh so important and all, ya know), but it's still work work work (and fun) and then softball, unfortunately, as the team got knocked out of the playoffs tonight, which is fine on one level as i need a break and this team can be frustrating due to inconsistent committment, effort, skill, balance, and too many players) and also has another pitcher (my two championship teams don't) and then off to hang with the team while waiting to head to the midnight movie (3-d i-max premiere of avatar (with free passes at universal studios, cool, aye?... it was great, especially for tree-huggers) and then hang a bit more and home to home-made pizza and middle of the night tv cuz twilight zone fit perfectly with the sci-fi arty mood) and now... chocolate cream (or creme) pie... life is good...

i have no intention of going to work today, naa naa :)

and as if this wasn't a wonderful enough day, there, to widden my smile even more, a comment from a dear old friend that inspired a quick catch up of the day that became this entry... isn't life amazing?... fun?... simple?... well, life is something, isn't it?...

whatever it is, enjoy it :)

the real?

all those years ago, long before this blog began, long before RealTime™ and behind the candoor and planet candora and the live journals and the online roots (at least one of them) and the letters, the years before the internet when I wrote so many thousands of letters to friends, lovers, imaginary lovers, imaginary friends (yes, each of these could be linked to yet another website themed somewhat around the concept in the words, really, and less than a tenth of a percent of the written gardens ever made it online, but that’s a boast of a different horse, so get on with it, will ya?) and even before then, when I filled many thousands of pages, pads and books of all sorts, writing daily for year after year for decades and a lifetime, yes, even before all that there was a child in love… and today, we celebrate…

happy birthday amy

almost excitement

between the championship and spirit award and mvp wins over the weekend and the pending eight days in a row away from work (i hope) starting tomorrow night, there is almost excitement abounding around here... and that's without caffeine, even...

did i mention jackson talked me into starting yet another team?... yeah, another softball team takes the field to fill the sunday afternoons... co-ed, and this one will have more girls than boys... cute girls too, and cool people inside the cuteness... unfortunately for my dreams of intimacy and falling in love, they are mostly not interested in boys that way... yeah, i mean sex... ironic, i look around at most of my best friends and find they are gay and while i am comfortable enough (the flex boys will all be sharing beds at the tournament to save money on hotel rooms, after all), my libido still lusts most for that dream of adorable petite girl...

and floating even closer to the core of the experience i've known as being me in this life, i still live in a very different place from everyone i've ever met in this life... and while it does get lonely where i am, i still wouldn't want to live anywhere (or anyway else)... so while i mock the excitement of life as harry and his band did when he'd say and the excitement continues to build, i still find the most exciting thing in this life is being me and the possibility of sharing...

anybosy wanna share? :)

remembered Cats

going in to the theatre i was trying to remember what Cats was about cuz it's been a long time since it first opened on Broadway and that's when i first saw it cuz once upon a time i saw every big show (and lots of smaller shows) on and off-Broadway the year they came out (and a few opening nights too, which can be so much more exciting than any other spectator theatre experience short of more involvement like afterparties and such and i remember some of those well) and i am missing the theatre experience a whole lot all of a sudden...

what's going on in your life?... and in you?

because the world did not end

i go on within you and without you

stevie wonder sang a beautiful love song
sargeant pepper lead the band away
john and george and paul and ringo are still going strong
still skeeter davis sang of yesterday
but i said something wrong that i still cannot say
stolen moments chords and words not left behind
and only pretending to be lost, say a prayer
before you step into my mind

do you remember when the music played?
do you remember how the words made you feel?
do you remember how fluid the rhymes flowed from my fevered brow
does anything i do feel half as real right now?

it's still the same old story
the song is still the same
the road goes on forever
welcome back my friends
the end is just one more illusion
feeding fear and hopelessness
will you share just one more moment
of peace, love, and happiness?

i was a harry chapin fan
i loved john lennon too
and so much more that we could share
because i still love you
and because your heart is true
i know somewhere, somehow, sometimes
you still love me too
oh oh ooooo
i'll always love you

some promises are permanent, for better or worse...

waiting for the one to join me in the never-ending verse

hopefully before either one of us end up in a hearse...

nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, narf
chuckl, chuckl, chuck-a-barf
nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, narf
no more hunger or thirst
but first...