this is home

other places i communicate with others are fine for their purpose and appreciated for the time and energy others share there, but this is home, the door is open, and anyone watching or sharing without harming is welcome, even if nobody takes the time to stop by...

and the truth is (yeah, feeling the emo for the moment), it is sometimes disappointing when no one cares to stop by, but the door remains open and this remains my home... when i am silent everywhere else, i am still here (the long and winding road)...

hopefully my friends will know that when i appear to disappear...

home from work early, nap, out to game night at the history center, fun, snacks, and home again...

work, play... that's life

yup... woke in a rush and headed to work after a quick hello (cuz i love you, even more than the mouseketeers) and then, straight from work to the game night at harold's downtown and then, here we are, already midnight, life is work, life is play, life is fun, all that's missing is the cuddling...

so how was your day? :)

why am i alone?

the simple answer is... sharing takes two...

why do i undermine my chances for sharing with someone who might be attractive to me?... partly because i have not been attracted to anyone enough to feel motivated to want to be more attractive... partly because i've gotten lazy and apathetic and ambivalent, even about my fondest dreams... partly because i am tired of being used and everybody i've ever let close to me except for one person has used or abused/betrayed me... so i enjoy the moments and casual fun and games and relatively superficial social interactions and ignore most of the desires and impulses for depth and intimacy and deeper trust....

i don't know what exactly might happen if i found someone physically irresistible and there was any reciprocal interest... some part of me wonders if i would just ignore the opportunity… and most of me believes i’d simply snap out of the habit of staying a happy kid enjoying surface sharing and challenge myself to break the habit of settling for the hormonal rushes that foods bring…

it could be that i the betrayals and usery has me so passive about intimacy that it’ll take someone not only attractive to me, but also consistent close daily sharing over time, like a roommate or close neighbor… but that could just be rationalizing not finding anyone physically irresistible to me… i’ve always had a rather narrow libido image and as far as personality and the mind/ethereal goes, i’ve come to doubt anyone will truly match me…

so my defense is simply being me, the kid who enjoys myself playing and living in the moment enough to ignore the loneliness as long as no one inspires me to want to be more intimate… and walls may simply be my openness about my history of betrayals and abuses... or something like that…

i may be complicating everything… what’s your excuse? :)

probably should sleep now

i've been exploring meetup and other online haunts as well as reading emails for the past few hours and realize that so many things i'd love to do are happening at the same time and i must make decisions... so i added some to my calendar and then found more and what a wonderful thing this online social networking thing has become...

so even if i spend my blessing-counting time all by myself alone right here, it is still most good to have many blessings to count :)

nite nite :)

missed opportunities

i'm home (and finally awake as i slept almost twelve hours today, waking and moving to another location to see if i was ready to wake up and fell back to sleep) and the sugar hangover is fading (that's what woke me a few times and sent me back to sleep)... eating now, having returned from the gym in the past hour (and while there, getting a phone call about a game night gathering tonight that was full-up when i checked this morning so i made other plans {gym, dinner at home, and relaxing} so the gathering misses me and i miss whomever might have shown up, but that's life... people always drop out of these game nights at the last minute and i'm not into sitting around waiting for the chance that maybe an opening will happen when there are so many other things to do)...

so i ate, wrote a reflective rhyme in another time, and now i am going to gather together a dozen or so entries that have been scribbled in a word file over the past week or two and upload them to wherever they go... at least that's the plan :)

after a nap

ah, precious just woke me cuz she's coming over to pick up a game for her birthday party tonight (it was the tenth and the concert/dinner last night was part of her present)... and she was pretty much right on time as my alarm was set to wake me at 5 so i can get ready for game night since i'm hosting...

thanks for keeping in touch with the daily life details, this is the closest we can get to actually being a real part of each others daily lives without actually being there... which is the purpose of this blog, after all... after all, this entry took sixty two seconds :)

so here's a minute just for you cuz i care and want to keep in touch and wish you were part of my daily days... and daze, but those take a little longer... and here we are - hope your saturday is fun too :)

still not moving in

but relaxing... i forgot to stop to pick up a few things - line shelf liner, shelving, closet organizers, cd racks, and other stuff - that i want in place before unpacking, so i'll go a seventh week without moving in to this space (beyond unpacking the laptop and some basics... i found a dead ant (all together now, deadant, deadant, deadant deadant deadant deadant deadaaaaaaaaaaaaannt, dededum), the red biting kind, but the roaches seem to have stayed on the other side of the barrier... hopefully a monthly spray and powder by me on top of the orkin guy they have (who i will request at least monthly) will keep them out... so i'll try to remember to stop for the stuff and move in next week...

today is laundry and internet, though very little internet so far... tonight i'm going to see religulous with fifty close personal friends (i know a dozen of them, actually) and precious is joining us... maybe pizza after, but i've been eating very differently (and lighter) all week... dried fruits and nuts and soups and fat free stuff and smaller portions) so i dont want to taunt the taste buds too much with the other stuff cuz they love this stuff once they forget about the heavy italian and fried and fat-sugar stuff...

tomorrow there's softball practice in the am (for the new thursday night team that i'll joinafter the work thursday night team ends, unless they have schedules some thursdays that fit both leagues), then a thai buffet at the wat florida dhammaram, which is a buddhist temple, i think... more than a hundred people from one group alone are supposed to be going to that (i invited precious and rasputin, but they are thinking about it) and it fits into the day as it's from 10:30 to 2:30 and i have a softball game at 2pm, so i'll stop in after practice, munch on thai food, and then head to the sunday game...

and that's the weekend already in progress... i hope your weekend is fun and exciting and full of interesting people and places and sensory experiences and healthy activities and most of all, loving companions who live to share your happiness :)

truth, the final frontier

truth is, i may have forgotten what truth is, if i ever knew... the bottom lines seems like a faraway place from a long time ago most of the time these days... a place called faraway...

work changes continue as the nurse managers are getting word that they report incidents and concerns to me and get used to seeking my guidance... there are two and one has little problem adjusting and the other, who is known to resist change and be passive aggressive, though in her defense, she has been treated unfairly by administrators and seems to lump me in with them at the moment, seems reluctant to comply with the new structure, but she will... there was a time, just last fall and winter, she'd come into my office, close the door, and have a good cry... and when others started to, she stopped... and i've not approached her for space works wonders sometimes...

after work, there was another game night and i am just getting home from the fun... bloated from snacks, blissfully exhausted from too little sleep and much smiling and laughing, and enjoying the afterglow of playing with others who enjoy playing... it was good to hear many of them missed me last week when i had a conflicting event (the downtown history center game night was the same night as the kiss me kate meetup i organized)... and if i lament a bit about the sleeping arrangements, it does not diminish the feeling of splendor and giddiness and belonging to a group of fun kids...

and now, with sleep so easily found, i shall slide over to read the words posted today on twixt where i am being called out and stroked virtually simultaneously, which reflects upon the power of words and the potential wonders that can be found in sharing them...

and then i started reading and nodded off to la la land :)

game night

being four years old in my head, one of the most fun nights of life these days is when the meetup game group meets up. tonight was one of those fun nights and for eight hours or so a couple of dozen big kids let their little kids (you remember your child inside as in inner child?) come out to play. the few hard core among us who stay until four AM placing balloons under our shirts, scratching our bellies, and eating all sorts of sugar filled food (or late night pizza) have the most fun of all. you really ought to be there one night.

almost famous

yeah, the claim to fame was passed to me as i was volunteered to be an assistant organizer in the biggest group in orlando... hopefully the people i am starting to call friends who are organizers in smaller groups will not back away or be offended cuz i told them i did not want to be an official organizer and they didn't volunteer me... but people, especially meetup organizers, can be so territorial and possessive and controlling... anyway, i am now known by more meetup people than i was before, a whole lot more... for what it's worth and all... maybe it was the butterfly...