and we lose the option of sleeping four hours, most likely, as the entries for the day of the date (it's no secret, really) and the time of year... we have come a long way from woodstock, even from woodstock two, or three, for that matter and the fact is nobody knows... unless you want to... so perhaps i can close my eyes and sleep now...
no coincidence, aye?...
nite nite :)
relatively speaking... game nights rarely end before midnight and often extend well beyond midnight at a late night location, but tonight the murder mystery game was set for three hours and it took about that long and since it started around 6pm, we were done shortly after 9pm... then most of the people left and a few of us talked an hour or so and poof, here i am, alone again naturally...
so i'll go write some more... waiting for the nocturnal partner, the all night friend... of course a libido-shaped lover would be nice too, but only until the deeper partner came along... all in one person?... oh dream on mergatroid (and i shall)...
how you doin? :)
well, as much as this is the daily record of the daily events of the daily life as i live it, there is also some deeper ponderings popping up now and then and while those sort of introspective self-analysis type of ponderings would usually appear behind the candoor (and before then, candora or on downbeats, the lands of the mostly dead, just like when there wasn't time to go behind the candoor and the deeper inverted (or is that introverted?... can one be an introverted exhibitionist?... i suppose youtube is full of them, and tv, for that matter… maybe we’ve discovered the definition of celebrity… anyway… what were we saying?) thinking appeared in RealTime™ when there wasn’t time to go behind the candoor (was the repetition planned for emphasis?... oh, would that be telling, not to be confused with the telling, or the telling that sang guardian angel and other beautiful ethereal songs... but there are so many others), so even here amidst (e)thereal, beware the emo!...
yes, ok, i confess, i am emo in (e)thereal world…
and we wonder why i am still alone in this world, aye?... but the fact is that most of these entries are not out there in front long enough to be noticed or read unless you are checking in here several times a day or simply keep (e)thereal open in a tab in your browser all the time and refresh several times a day (and if you did that, oh, the places we could go... from seuss to noose and 'round again as the previous entry and those before, especially this week, expose the emotion {and touch on history} all the more... it is our experience, all we've ever been, done, or known, that brings us to who and where we are today, after all... the choice is acknowledging and embracing it all {and our self} or ignoring and losing it and pieces of self... i'll continue to strive for keeping in touch with all and therein keeping myself whole... because i care because caring is better than the alternatives... and trying to share because sharing is the best i can do in and with this life and you... which is why i am here)…
and we wonder why i am still alone in this world, aye?... yeah, so anyway, i would stay awake, just to watch you breathing cuz i really don’t want to miss a thing… who else loves that way?... that much?... that constantly?... that completely?... that ad infinitum?... 42?...
yeah, even the babble is (e)thereal from time to time because i am nocturnal… no matter how much i resist… and i want to love all night long (everybody, but you know, all i ever needed was the one)…
be beautiful tonight :)
the simple answer is... sharing takes two...
why do i undermine my chances for sharing with someone who might be attractive to me?... partly because i have not been attracted to anyone enough to feel motivated to want to be more attractive... partly because i've gotten lazy and apathetic and ambivalent, even about my fondest dreams... partly because i am tired of being used and everybody i've ever let close to me except for one person has used or abused/betrayed me... so i enjoy the moments and casual fun and games and relatively superficial social interactions and ignore most of the desires and impulses for depth and intimacy and deeper trust....
i don't know what exactly might happen if i found someone physically irresistible and there was any reciprocal interest... some part of me wonders if i would just ignore the opportunity… and most of me believes i’d simply snap out of the habit of staying a happy kid enjoying surface sharing and challenge myself to break the habit of settling for the hormonal rushes that foods bring…
it could be that i the betrayals and usery has me so passive about intimacy that it’ll take someone not only attractive to me, but also consistent close daily sharing over time, like a roommate or close neighbor… but that could just be rationalizing not finding anyone physically irresistible to me… i’ve always had a rather narrow libido image and as far as personality and the mind/ethereal goes, i’ve come to doubt anyone will truly match me…
so my defense is simply being me, the kid who enjoys myself playing and living in the moment enough to ignore the loneliness as long as no one inspires me to want to be more intimate… and walls may simply be my openness about my history of betrayals and abuses... or something like that…
i may be complicating everything… what’s your excuse? :)
yeah, so far i haven't decided to go out anywhere, even though i would probably enjoy the concert... i just so rarely spend a day relaxing at home, i feel kind of selfishly decadent... the eggplant parm and chocolates might have helped too... and laundry is getting done... and much writing, with a little help from my friends too... yes, introductory letters have begun happening again... who's rolling eyes?... what?... you haven't read my intros from long ago when darkness filled my universe?... oh, well, you might learn something quite depressing i suppose, though i really don't remember what i wrote... i trust it was about me though, being introductory letters and such... and more seriously, i trust that is is still accurate, mostly, if not completely...
i change all the time, but the core, it's been pretty stable and constant since i first experienced an awareness of my own consciousness... what?... you aren't aware of my own consciousness?... how about yours? :)
i hope your day is fun :)
