libido

recently a good friend asked me why i am not in a relationship and i went over some reasons, like the fact that the libido part of my brain is am rather narrow-minded in what is visually attractive to me and while there are other reasons for my choosing not to reach out and touch, if the right person came along i doubt i would pass up the chance to reach out and see if there is a mutual physical attraction, but people like cami ford (the best thing about brighthouse) do not just appear as i go through my daily activities... there may be hope for mormons yet, but of course there's still the no sex rule... skin tight clothes, but no nudity... am i already detecting double standards and hypocrisy?... and have i just demonstrated why i am alone?... did you see that coming?... or that?... ah, yes, laugh and the world laughs with you, ya know...

meanwhile, when someone attracts libbo (especially visually {skip to the current list here... yes, there is a list}, yes, i am seriously sensual and very visual and not at a loss of other senses at all), she will know... yeah, we can laugh at the candor and/or respect the honesty or do whatever you like, but i know what i like...

late late whatever

sometimes the brain is just itching to write something so clever it would change the world, but then the food's ready (and i don't mean a tallahassee fruit loop) so what can i do other than put aside the keyboard and reach for the food cuz i don't want hot food to get cold cuz it tastes better hot and if i didn't cook it then ignoring it is an insult to the cook and i do not like insulting cooks so by the time the taste buds have orgasmed (and the cook might come along too) whatever clever words were carried away by winds unknown (maybe a secret santa?) and the best we can do is watch half a mechanical man infer that cleaning your chimney is something dirty...

now really, how can cleaning be dirty?... perhaps if you don't do it well... anyway, it is that time of night again, time to sit back and watch craig ferguson mock everything as only a man-child going through some sort of eternal puberty can... i think there should be a contest for the guest who turns reddest while on his show...

oh canada, where art that?

sleep is good

oh yeah (with a deep and resounding reverberating smile ya know?)... the body feels uber super wonderful (though the arm aches a bit, healing continues) after all that walking and bouncing and fun yesterday and they is partly cuz i ate healthier yesterday and partly cuz of all the exercise yesterday, but mostly cuz i slept... sleep is good for the body... soooo good...

and the head is smiling too cuz with so much sleep, there is a happy grogginess now... the deep-sleep-drugs are still alive and kicking... i will wake in a bit and maybe then i will catch up on thoughts that transcended through the brain while i slept (perhaps even dreams, aye?)...

hope today is sparkly :)

sometimes i feel

like nobody really gets me, or cares to, and that is such a very lonely feeling when i want to share... it could be that i am into too many things for anyone to actually share all the things i am into and in trying to find people who share all the things i like to share i do no spend enougyh time/energy with any one person to deveop a truly deep bond - or maybe i am deeper than everybody else (or maybe that's just ego or self-pity) - or maybe it's true... i welcome someone to help find the truth (cuz this sort of thing, assessing the nature of sharing and hy i do not share as much as i want to when i can share everything so easily, takes two, i mean, other opinions can help, but at least one other person who realluy takes the time to know me is kind of necessary or it's all just propositions in my head, cha know?)...

see, thereal is usually surface thoughts and simple reports of everyday events, but there is a deeper thereal too and this entry touches on it... sometimes i want to be in love again... used to be i wanted that all the time and it dominated my motives and thoughts and actions and that got me quite used and abused because i could freely give everything and others do not seem to do that as easily as i do... it's not an all the time want anymore, at least not on the conscious level... but in these moments when i feeling like sharing everything unconditionally trusting and loving, i really want to be in love...

i welcome someone to share that too :)

time goes by too fast

yeah, a harry chapin song comes to mind and i've been off in my own little world (mind) but this time i might remember a bit more than last time cuz i recall downloading and uploading dozens of videos to the pop news blog that i know everyone just loves to enjoy...

someday :)

it's good to be delusional, as long as the delusions are hurting or condemning anyone, ya know... so otherwise, jackson is off to chicago and it's just me and happiness for the next week or so and i head back to work tomorrow (alas) and i shall find a way to carry the wonderful remembering to explore my own head back with me into the mad mad mad mad (etc) world...

hope you've been great (and now too :)

i forget

just how much is in my head, how much more i can create and how much creativity beyond the daily challenges of work and play, the words and music expressing emotion and epotion and devotion and awareness and enlightened thought and new ideas and love in so many ways inspires me and fulfills me and empowers me and then, i wonder... how can i forget how powerful singing is for me... that loss is the single greatest loss i've experienced in this life and how i could have given it away, allowed myself to forget, i'll never fully grasp... and how did it take me so long to remember the music of my own heart... it doesn't get much more real than this...

so with minimal fanfare, hardly a notice, but with seriously wonderful chills down the spine... a new blog is born tonight...

need more time

loaded a load of dishes and i wonder if there is a load of laundry in the dryer and there's more dishes to wash and lots more clothes to wash and the ringing is exceptionally loud tonight (ah, tinnitis, or tinittis, yes, the second one, maybe steany hot shower will help?) and the brain and body so long for more sleep, but do i have a clean warm long sleep shirt for tomorrow?... wearing long sleeve winter shirts for the past ten or more days in a row has rised the need for laundry through the roof and i intended to do some tonight, but nodding off happened and now, the brain wants to not move the body and somehow find the bed... winter fatigue is different, i almost forgot what it's like...

feeling more alone that usual tonight too... sleepy... nite nite :)

wow, see?... a poll!

referencing the previous title (not necessarily the entry though) that sleep is good cuz just look over on the right and see the newest feature i tried out here in this blog, a poll... i am still deciding if multiple answers are allowed and how long the poll will stay open and whether it will stay in the side bar (cuz the side bar is way too long for a this blog) but decisions decisions can wait until they are made, for now, there's a new feature, a poll...

i expect nobody to use it because i suspect nobody reads this regularly and this entry announcing it will blink into the archive any moment now and i believe most entries here are never read by human eyes, but hey, that is the real, diggidy? (as in, get it>?, however updated and expanded for the new millenium with a little help from a cartoon friend and the writers and Seth, who is as constant an influence in this life as any of the other hundred fifty or so constant influences who'v invaded my brain (with and without unilateral permission... is unilateral the right word there?... someday this, and millions of other rhetorical, semi-rhetorical, quasi-rhetorical, and actual real questions will be answers, but for now, there's a poll!... diggidy?)...

all this cuz i got a reasonably decent night of sleep?... i did wake at the four hours marks and when the phone rang, which was a lot this morning, but still, sleep has not had the positive effect it used to have for the last year or so and i was concerned that the over-tired effect of long-term sleep-deprivation (and overuse of hyphens) may have degenerated the brain cells to the point where they will not regenerate fully ever again, or at least not until several days/weeks/months/years or whatever period of time required is taken/given to sleep in heavenly sleep for as long as necessary to rejuvenate (or regenerate, i believe i mean regenerate cuz i'm not sure rejuvenate is actually possible, but that will require experimentation and more, precise discussion and agreement of definitions, to be decided at a later date)...

stop babbling here now!

working today

yup, in just a few hours i'll be trying to stay awake at the computer and trying to concentrate on whatever work i decide to do today and while i've got nobody standing over me telling me what to do and pretty much complete autonomy over my daily activities and workload, there's still a lot of information to process and provide to a lot of others and skipping all these days it going to make january an insane month for putting it all together...

yet sleep does not call me at night as often as it calls me during the day... the quiet darkness of night calls me to explore and wrute and listen and sing and let my imagination dance... i remember when the night called fo making love as well, but people seem to get less and less nocturnal as they age... conformity destroys so much potential and wonder... still, i continue hoping for the magical balance of sharing to return and until then, i enjoy it all by myself...

hope your day sparkles :)

web knowledge

been all over the place, watching videos, reading heavy stuff, laughing at nonsense and irreverence, sighing deeply at tragedy and cruelty and human stupidity, and generally enjoying my brain a whole lot... some of the journey is even linked around in my increasingly daily diverse dribbling diatribes around the web... ya see?...

that's my e-the-real, how's yours? :)

cuz there's so much more to say

no matter how tired i get, no matter how apathetic or depressed, ambivalent or frustrated, there is always activity in the synapses, always creativity in the pauses, always more to say… someday I hope someone will understand and reach the same place, with or without me… somewhere, some time, some way…

with me would be nice too :)

not again

napped for two hours after home made pizza and the brain was running laps as i laid the body down in bed, so after realizing the words had to flow cuz the brain got enough sleep (two hours, the body says, the brain is insane... poor body) and here we are after babbling elsewhere for a while...

no tv, so maybe i'll pass out again soon... hope you are enjoying your brain... and life :)